Transcription
If you're a woman who normally gives 110% at work, but lately you've been dragging yourself home, overwhelmed and exhausted, thinking, "Why does it feel like work is sucking the life out of me?" In this short video, I'm going to give you three exact phrases that will change everything if you feel as though your control has been slipping through your fingers at work without having to overexplain yourself, defend yourself, or raise your voice. Number one, a responsibility boundary. Number two, a time boundary. And number three, an emotional boundary. And to make it easier for you to remember, I've also put together a playbook. You can find the link in the description. Download that and you will have the words when you need them. All right, that said, let's get started.
So, let's say that you're in a meeting and the meeting leader says something to the effect of, "Jane, you can take on extra tasks, right?" So many of us think things like, "Well, if I want to be seen as competent and a team player, I'm going to have to say yes." Do not do that. And if you've been doing that, that will explain why people aren't really valuing your contribution as much as they should. What am I really doing when I say that? I'm devaluing whatever I'm already contributing because I'm going to stop doing that to take on whatever extra stuff you have found for me. Instead, a boundary statement has two parts to it. Number one, you tell the person to whom you are delivering this boundary statement what the benefit is or what the prize is that you are trying to deliver to them. "I would love to help out." That said, number two, you're going to tell them what line you are not willing to cross or what you are not willing to give or the limit of what you are willing to give. "Let me verify what I might need to juggle around or push back so that I can commit to getting that done for you on time." And if you need to add something to the end of that, there's a third part that gives people a choice. It's really an empowering statement stuck to a boundary statement. An empowering statement sounds like, "Would you rather have this or that?" For example, "I can get back to you by 4:00 today or I can find somebody else who has the time right now." If I'm saying whatever needs to be done, I can do it because whatever I'm doing can take a backseat to that, what am I really doing when I say that? I'm devaluing whatever I'm already contributing because I'm going to stop doing that to take on whatever extra stuff you have found for me. What are toxic people asking of you that you don't feel comfortable giving anymore at work? If you put that in the comments, I promise that I will choose one of them and address that in our very next video.
Now, let's talk about a time boundary. So, let's say that you're in a meeting and it was a 30-minute meeting. We're going on minute 45. You've already scheduled for that because you know how these things tend to go and now people are wandering into the meeting and saying, "Oh, oh, can you get me up to speed?" Before you tell people things like, "Yeah, no problem." Set boundaries when it comes to time. A good time boundary sounds like this. "Good to see you. So that I can be respectful of your time and of everybody's, I do have a hard stop at 2 o'clock. Is that a problem with anybody?" Or if you wanted to add that bonus empowering statement, "If we can't wrap it up by then, I'm willing to come in tomorrow morning early at 9:00 or we can finish what doesn't get done by email. What would you all prefer?" Simple. I'm letting you know that if I'm here, it's because I have things scheduled to do. Otherwise, I'd be at home watching television, doing the laundry, painting my house, taking a nap. Here, I have every minute of the day booked or I wouldn't be here. Remember, the words are the form of our message. We are the substance. Form follows substance. Be the person that you claim to be. And the words that buttress that will come so much more naturally. Therefore, I'm giving you some options. I'm letting you know. I'm going to try to accommodate you and the team, but what I'm not going to do is let other people control my schedule, which sends the message that whatever I do here is not as important as whatever else comes up.
Number three, the emotional boundary. This is one that a lot of us struggle with because I want to be loving. I want to respect my co-workers. I'm in relationship with them. But when they start to unload on me, I want to stop that and start nipping that in the bud. But I want you to know you're important to me. So here's how we can say that. If Trixie comes into the office and is like, "Oh, I just have to tell you what's been going on." Trixie, wait a minute. This sounds like it's important and I would want to give you my full attention because that's what you deserve, but I can't give it to you right now. I could, however, over a break or maybe refer you to somebody in HR. Would that help? Now, I'm letting you know, hey, Trixie, I'm not just blowing you off. This is important. And as an important issue deserves, I would want to give you my full attention. But I can't do that because again, I'm not sitting around waiting for you to bring your drama to me. Therefore, I've got some options. We could talk about this over a break where you sacrifice some of your free time to tell me about this. Or I could refer you to somebody at HR whose job it is to listen to these types of things. So instead of telling people that you are out of control, set boundaries. And when you say, "I have the time to talk to you," you do. People know what the rules of engagement are with you. It's kind of like one of the nine principles. The only thing that could possibly be missing from any one of my relationships is what I am not giving to that relationship. If you believe that people at work are not as respectful as they should be of you and your goals and your time, you have to start with you and not say you want respect, but be respectful of your time and goals and responsibilities and people will follow in suit cuz we train other people how to treat us. Starting with how do we treat ourselves? Remember that those lines are very easy to understand right now. They are not easy to recall in the moment because of the whole amygdala and the fight or flight syndrome. What you want to do is download that playbook and you will have these lines as well as other word for word scripts ready whenever you need them. But you have to do the work. If you do the work, you'll have the words. Remember, hit that subscribe button. It's what helps me keep these videos coming for you and I would really appreciate that. And if you'd like to see what are some of the words that sabotage even the smartest of women in the workplace, go ahead and click on that video.