Transcription
Are you a woman over 40 and people tend to throw you under the bus at work, accuse you of things you didn't do, or blame you for things that aren't your fault? If so, you're in luck because what I'm going to give you today are three proven strategies to help you defend your reputation while maintaining your sense of power without ever making the huge mistake of becoming defensive. Because if you start to become defensive, well, unfortunately, all of the communication strategies in the whole wide world won't be able to help that hot mess that's coming. So, let's get started.
Mistake number one, you are the subject of your sentences. It's all about you. The focus is on you. Here's what to look for. And your boss is trying to come up with who will be the next head of some project, and you really want to do that, but one of your colleagues said something like, "Um, no offense, but I think we might need somebody a little more competent." It sounds like this. I'm more competent than anyone else here. You have to be bringing value at all times. And simply talking about yourself and defending yourself brings zero value. That is a lose lose. And I realize that most of us can slip into this trap of being defensive because we believe that we have to defend ourselves. But remember, we only defend what we believe is vulnerable. So what you want to do is shift from being defensive into being a detective. That's what you want to do. A detective is looking for truth. There's a three-step pattern that you want to use that will make this very easy. Number one, thank them. Number two, ask a specific question. And number three, use a word or one of the words that was used to accuse you to begin with. For example, the next time you're accused of being incompetent and you want to say something such as, "Excuse me, I'm the most competent person in this room." Instead, try something like this. John, it's okay. I appreciate Mary's concern for our level of service. Mary, could you tell me what specific area of competence you believe would be most beneficial for this project?
Now, before I go on to the next one, if this has been helpful in any way to you, make sure to subscribe to this channel. It helps these videos keep coming and I would appreciate that.
Mistake number two, ending with statements rather than questions. For example, your boss asks your team why you lost the Jones project and Mary says something such as, "Well, you should really ask me. I actually attended the conference calls." Now, when we make the mistake of ending with statements rather than questions, it can sound like this. I was on every call. Or, uh, you were the one missing, not me. Remember that statements shut down or end conversations, but detectives keep conversations going until they get to the truth. When you feel the need to make a statement, such as, "I was at every meeting." Instead, flip the script and turn it into a question that will help you and everyone there get to the truth. The next time you're about to end with a statement, for example, I was on every call. Try something like this. I'm concerned that my information is conflicting with yours. Can you tell me what you're looking at? Or the next time you're about to say something like, "You're the one missing, not me." Try something such as, "If you're saying that I missed a meeting, I can understand how that would be frustrating for you. Can you tell me which meeting you believe I missed so that I can find out where the breakdown occurred?"
Now, don't worry about memorizing all of these lines right now. If you're dealing with toxic co-workers, narcissistic bosses, or gaslighting employees, I have put together a playbook. It's free and the link is in the description below. It's the first link. Download that. You can sit back and listen to this and practice it later on in your own time. As you can see, validating somebody's feelings and asking probing questions like that is a fantastic way to maintain my reputation while not becoming defensive. The next time you're about to say something like, "That's not true at all." Remember, we're all doing the best we can with what we've got. So, I'm assuming that you're telling the truth as far as you know it to be true, I'm just going to help you clarify that. Or I could be wrong. And wouldn't it be embarrassing if I turned out to be wrong and had missed a meeting? Remember, what I give to my brother, I give to myself. If I don't want to embarrass you, I would need the same attitude that it would take to not embarrass myself. I'm simply in an information gathering situation to find out where the breakdown occurred so that I can prevent it from happening again. Who's that about? It's not about me and it's not about you. That's about a breakdown. That's where I want to keep the focus. The breakdown, the mistake, the confusion, the misunderstanding. Not my misunderstanding, the misunderstanding. I don't need to defend myself. I know that I am competent. I know that I'm a professional and I know that I make mistakes. So, if I did, I want to find out where the breakdown occurred that caused the mistake to be made. Notice how I'm using the passive voice there. If I do that, I don't need to be defensive. All I need to do is become a detective and find out where these breakdowns or where the confusion or where the trouble occurred. That shows leadership, not ego.
And mistake number three, exposing your weakness as opposed to the system's weakness. For example, let's say that your supervisor asks you why you didn't include something in a specific report. When you expose your own weaknesses as opposed to the systems weaknesses, it sounds like, "You never told me that. I didn't know I was responsible for that." When you say, "I didn't know that. How was I supposed to know that? You never told me that." They are all going to sound like admissions of guilt. Even if you are not guilty, the more you say things like, "I didn't know that. Nobody told me that." The guiltier and guiltier you sound. Which one of these three mistakes we talked about here today do you believe is the hardest one to break? Let me know in the comments. The next time you're about to say, "No one told me that." Instead, say something such as, "That instruction seemed to have missed me. Could you please clarify where that was communicated so that this doesn't happen again? And by the way, I'm happy to help and fix this right now. Would you like me to?" That way, you're not part of the problem. You are part of only the solution. And remember, everything that you do at work, document, document, document. Don't document disputes with other people. Document what you did, what you were told, what the process is, so that when things like this come up, you can say things such as, "I'm concerned that you and I have conflicting information. Could you tell me what you're looking at so that I can find out where the breakdown occurred?" And if all else fails, this one power phrase should help you in a variety of different situations. When you are being blamed for things or accused of things, whether it's your fault or not, if you say the following, you will come out smelling like a rose. You ready? Since I'm responsible for this, let me take ownership of this and to ensure that this does not happen again, can you tell me where the breakdown occurred? See, that does three different things. Number one, it takes total responsibility without any defensiveness at all. Number two, it shows initiative and maturity. And number three, it drives the conversation towards collaboration and solutions. That is the type of person that other people want to work with. So, if you have been struggling with your relationships at work, start doing more of that when you are accused of things and you will struggle less with relationships and instead you will get more respect and people will think you are more competent the more responsibility you take. If you are dealing with somebody at work who isn't responding to you the way you'd like them to, download that free playbook. It is the first link in the description and it's full of scripts and power phrases and tools that you can use right away to see a difference in the way people respond to you at work and at home. And if this has been helpful in any way to you, make sure to subscribe to this channel. It helps these videos keep coming and I would appreciate that. Remember to download that free playbook. It's the first link in the description. And check out this next video. It's the three phrases that instantly command respect without sounding bossy. I think you're really going to like that.