Transcription
Hi everyone, it's Dr. Romini, and welcome back to this YouTube channel that takes on all kinds of little and big issues related to narcissistic relationships.
So, some of you are thinking, "I've watched so many of your damn videos, lady. I get this. I really get this now." Well, now I'm going to let you know, in a way, you're kind of screwed once the narcissist knows that you know. So, let's take that apart and really lay out what that means for you.
So, this relates to a consistent question I get from people all the time, via the comments or emails or whatever: Does a narcissist know? Do narcissists know that they're narcissistic or difficult? And maybe even more important is the question of, do narcissists really know how insecure they are? Because clearly, this person's insecure. Do they know? The answer to that is, "Ish."
Remember that shame, right, rage spiral I talk about so often? Narcissistic people aren't demented or, frankly, delusional. They are able to see that there are consequences to their behavior, and they know that their behavior at times is not a good look. But their impulsivity and their entitlement, in some ways, means that they cannot stop themselves and don't think they should have to. It's as though they will burst if they don't get their nonsense out. It's that tension reduction I talked about. So, they know that over time their behavior is kind of causing a problem, but they will rationalize their behavior, justify their behavior, explain it, defend it. But yeah, in a tiny corner of their brains, they know what they're doing is probably not a good thing. And sometimes, in therapy, if they're in therapy, they may even admit that they can't stop themselves. It's too uncomfortable. They just need to get it out. And they know it sounds silly if they actually spoke their truth, which would be, "Why can't everyone just let me get away with what I have to say? I don't really mean it, and I just need to let it out. I think that everyone is out to get me when they don't let me, and life is so unfair to me, and I do always know what's best. Why can't everything just be my way and let me have my tantrum?" They can't say that, and they know it, but that's what's happening.
So, there's an inflection point in every narcissistic relationship. It's the point when they see that you get it. It's a subtle dance. It's something that's happening just under the radar. It's almost imperceptible. You aren't taking the bait as much. You aren't letting the gaslighting get to you as much. You're gray rocking a little more. You're not defending. You're not explaining. You may even be holding yourself a tiny bit taller because now you get it. Maybe you aren't putting yourself down as much or getting as anxious when they say they will cut bait and leave, or when they throw their passive-aggressive stuff at you.
Interestingly, at this phase of the relationship, it becomes even more miserable, and the narcissistic person will act out even more. It's as though you have peered into their insecurity and figured out their game, and they don't like that. When people start to gray rock, you can almost graph it. It looks like a roller coaster. The narcissist's rage will increase for a while. They aren't getting the same fights out of you. The bait isn't working. Remember, they need you to take the bait and behave in an unhinged way so then they can say, "Oh, somebody's all worked up," and they can feel better about themselves. So, they start getting meaner. Up, up, up the roller coaster, they start insulting your friends or family. They start going after things about yourself that they know are triggers for you. They may make fun of your job. They may make fun of your cooking. It starts getting more and more toxic. You didn't think it was possible, but it is.
But if you could stand your ground and not break, get to the top of that roller coaster, the narcissist will actually start to deflate. In some cases, they'll get bored, but they'll deflate. However, on your way to this destination, the top of the roller coaster, is a world of abuse, anger, and rage. So, if you thought it was bad before, so when you finally start to get it.
Somehow, they sense it. For all of their lack of empathy, people with narcissistic personalities are tremendously attuned to their worlds, but from a very, to the world around them, but from a very egocentric perspective. They're always monitoring for threats. They're always looking for that person who looks at them the wrong way. They don't believe that they're ever shown the respect they believe they deserve. They feel like they don't get enough validation for all their greatness. They notice the shifts, and they notice that people are on to them.
There is a point for every narcissistic person when they recognize that they have gone a bridge too far. That they really, really pushed a person to the breaking point, and that other person they push finally shuts down. This can actually be quite impactful if it happens, for example, at work or with a lower-stakes person. The narcissistic person takes the people closest to them, like family and partners, for granted. So, they may not notice it there. But the idea that someone out there in their world, like their work world or something, doesn't think well of them, actually really activates their shame.
Once they recognize that people are starting to see it and are starting to kind of walk around the narcissist as though the narcissist is unhinged, that in essence, they sort of feel like they're being kind of handled by other people. They don't like it because, again, it activates shame. But now they're in a catch-22 because, at some level, they kind of know they're unhinged. So, it's a big, strange circle. And at that point, you, if you're in a relationship with them, may slowly work your way to indifference.
Once you have the roadmap for narcissism, and I'll be frank with you, that roadmap is the reason for me even starting this channel. I want to show you every subtle pattern there is so you can detect it. So, you can consider Dr. Romini's YouTube channel as like, narcissism GPS. Because then the pattern makes sense. You face the hard work of breaking your internal cycles of trauma bonding, etc. But once you see it, you start walking a much bigger circle around them, and they start to say, like, "Oh, they see."
They may have a wide range of behavior when you start walking that bigger circle and go between rage and trying to show you that they can keep it together and aren't, and try to show you, "I'm actually a nice person." They may go to insults, to passive aggression. The narcissistic relationship is all about control: controlling the image of the relationship to the world, controlling the people in the relationship, controlling the narrative, and controlling the narcissistic supply. Control, control, control.
So, once you understand what's happening, they want to control you even more, and they will not let you throw off their controlling ship because they want to control the narrative. And yet, once you understand it, their destabilization will mean that they can't get the control back, and now they're gonna rage even more. There's no getting away from the rage.
You may be thinking, "Is there a way for me to understand it without them losing it, losing it around me all the time?" Probably not. You will either get bored of this relationship and leave, or if you can't leave, you just might make the relationship what we call very perfunctory and mechanical, or you'll hope that they leave, or you hope that they'll have a place to go to whenever they tantrum because you're not going to listen to it.
At some point, your presence is going to be such a shame activator that they will either try to destroy you with their rage, or they may leave and run away because your presence is too shame-inducing for them. Neither of those outcomes are going to feel pretty good, especially if you're not sure you want this relationship to end. Yeah, I get it. You might think, "I shouldn't want it," and you may not want it to end.
You may also wonder, "Is there a way for you to understand this and for them to not understand that you understand it?" Probably not. Again, your best behavioral shifts are going to be noticed. It's frustrating and demoralizing because they didn't notice you when you were crying, or didn't notice you when you were actually trying to get them to notice you. But you make a tiny shift in narcissistic supply you give them, and they notice it.
Getting narcissism, understanding narcissism, is tricky, and your partner will likely pathologize you for the change. They'll say things like, "Oh, you've changed. You're cold. You're weird. It seems like you're getting a little bit less socially skilled in your old age," and on and on and on. They'll pathologize you for understanding them. So, the very thing that will set you free, actually understanding the narcissism, can make your life miserable for a while. In the long term, it's a win, but in the short sprint, be aware that it will be unpleasant so you can at least prepare.
So, for you to just think about this, getting it, understanding narcissism. Once you get it, you might feel like, "Ha ha, I have the keys to the kingdom. I get this." But as your behavior shifts, the narcissistic person you're in a relationship with is going to notice it. Whether it's a family member, whether it's a partner, whether it's someone you work with, they're going to notice it. In many, many cases, and that might mean that they're uncomfortable because what really was the power they held? And you know it was a power of the hell because you didn't understand what was going on. You were upside down with the gaslighting and the manipulation. Now you get it. You see it.
There's actually a strange calm and serenity that will come over you because you get it, right? It's almost like, "Ah, this is how you do the trick," and now it's not even interesting anymore. But they'll notice that shift and recognize they can no longer dominate, overpower, confuse you. Then they've lost their power, and they get frustrated. And that frustration is something you will experience as rage.
Like I said, in the long term, it's healthier for you to get it for no other reason so that you stop blaming yourself and personalizing it. And that's your work to do, to not blame yourself. It's not your fault. It's just that once you get it, you should have unlocked the code. And this rather quiet, manipulative way they kept you under their thumb, you've kind of lifted it in a way. It can feel very unsatisfying as a relationship at this point, but at least you're not living in a place where you are constantly invalidated, confused, and don't know which way is up.
I hope that helps. Thanks again.