Transcription
Jimmy here with another installment of how to deal with your partner's irrational feelings. All right, let's see what today's word of the day is. What are we going to be talking about today? Validation. Yes. Okay.
I always say validation. You know, I'm actually really glad we're talking about this because one partner usually has a pretty negative concept around validation. I mean, even the word sounds a little gross, right? Like validation, validation. But it's not gross. It's an essential aspect to our relationships, and a lack of it is one of the major reasons our relationships crumble into a miserable pit of despair.
So, what the heck even is validation? I'm so glad that you asked. Validation is simply honoring their experience as valid. It's saying, "I care enough to understand what's bothering you. I care enough to explore your perspective or hurt with empathy and curiosity." It says, "Your feelings are valid and important to me because you are important to me."
Have you ever said that feelings aren't right or wrong? Feelings are signals. They're indicators that we should be paying attention to something. That doesn't mean we should act on every feeling or even that it's true, but the fact that we're having it still means something. Feelings don't just happen for no reason. And ignoring them, dismissing them, or suppressing them usually leads to a bigger problem.
Let's remember, validation isn't about agreeing with all the details. See, maybe this isn't you, but this is me. I have a tendency to be laser-focused on what my partner is saying when they're mad at me. And part of me feels like I'm on trial, and everything they say, I need to argue with and defend and figure out why I'm not the bad guy in all of this. But do you know what I forgot to pay attention to? How she's feeling.
Now, I know what she's saying, and I'm mentally trying to play lawyer, but I rarely know how she's feeling. And if you really asked her, do you want to know what she really wants in this moment? She wants someone to say, "It makes sense that you would feel that way. Tell me more about what led you to feel that way. I can understand now how my words or actions led you to feel that way, even though it wasn't my intention to be disrespectful towards you, I can see how that came across that way." That's validation.
And it doesn't matter what gender you are. When you're upset about something, we all have a desire to be heard. And you know what usually helps that? When someone says, "I want to understand where you're coming from. What you're saying and feeling matter to me." This isn't about being walked on. This isn't about being dominated or whipped. We should both be doing this for each other. The goal is for both partners to be validating each other's experience during a conflict.
So, let's be careful that we aren't invalidating our partners unintentionally. Let's be careful we aren't dismissing them, trying to convince them that they shouldn't feel that way. We tell them they just misinterpreted the situation. We didn't say it that way. We didn't mean it that way. That their feelings are irrational, right? We become the judge of their feelings. And in some backwards way, we think we're protecting their view of us. We think we're protecting the closeness in the relationship. When in reality, we're killing it.
Well, that's all for today. Join me next week when we tackle the mysterious beast, empathy. Should be a fun one.