Transcription
It's an entirely different game. Narcissists feel entitled to having an affair and having sex with other people. They are grandiose. They're arrogant enough to believe they won't be caught. They lack empathy for their spouse, so they don't even think about how these choices would hurt them.
Why do narcissists cheat? Well, because many times in an intimate relationship, their existing supply gets stale, and they want to mix it up. The interesting thing is they want, they often want to keep the person they're in a relationship with because they're getting one set of needs met there, and then they want something else. They want novelty, they want excitement, whatever it may be. And they'll start doing that, and it also becomes a new source of narcissistic supply for them and excitement and all the things that a narcissist, you know, which was a real reward seeker, is seeking.
They will come up with all kinds of complex rationalizations for their infidelity. "We're not having as much sex as we once did. You don't pay as much attention to me." Sometimes, "I don't even try to do that." In the most extreme examples, when we're talking about someone who's more malignantly and severely narcissistic, they'll often sometimes believe it's their right. "Like, listen, I make all the money. You know what? I just need this. It doesn't affect you. I come back, I provide." And they'll really provide it. And they'll say that without any sense of guile on their face. They'll actually think it's okay and expect you to think it's okay.
Infidelity is a very complicated issue. And anyone who works in the relationship space, and I'm really talking about infidelity as a dynamic of narcissism right now, not about infidelity in general. When we view it as a narcissistic dynamic, so many people get devastated because, as a rule, narcissistic relationships leave people feeling like they're already sideways. People in narcissistic relationships always feel like they're not enough, that they need to be doing something more, that the attention of their partner is slipping. You always feel like you're about to be discarded because that's often what narcissists do. They discard old supply in favor of new supply. So you're always a little bit off balance. And even when you feel like you're getting it all right, the narcissist still may cheat on you.
A really tricky issue is that sometimes people will feel like, "Gosh, our relationship's going really well." Then they come to find out that the narcissist is cheating. In some ways, that cheating, because that narcissist is getting this whole new source of supply, might actually make your grumpy narcissist into someone a bit more cheerful and lead you to believe that your relationship is going better. So it can feel very devastating. "And say, just when I think things are going better, I come to find out that there was actually another relationship on the side."
Narcissistic patterns can get into all kinds of complex cheating kinds of arrangements, not only potentially having a mistress outside of a marriage but even cheating on the mistress with somebody else because the need for narcissistic supply, in some ways, once they start getting some, they want more and more and more. Sex is a great place to get it. It can be for a narcissistic place of power, a place of domination, a space of secrecy, a place of validation seeking. So you get a lot of needs met. And when you're cheating, it also adds in that sort of sense of excitement or can be perhaps even getting away with something while still being able to put the image out to the world of being a family person and having a life that looks a very specific kind of way.
One might wonder, does this pattern have anything to do with other relationships in my life? It might. If you had a narcissistic parent, it's quite conceivable that there might have been infidelity in your family of origin, which may have really destabilized things in your family. Um, it's a, it's a painful pattern to have a breach of trust in other kinds of relationships. But infidelity is a very specific kind of a pattern where there is a presumption of sexual monogamy or relationship commitment, and that contract, as it were, that promise gets broken.
People who have been cheated upon report all kinds of psychological issues in the fallout: a sense of betrayal, a sense of shame, depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, helplessness, hopelessness. It really takes a toll on the person who's cheated on. So at the very core of it, in many ways, infidelity really speaks to the grandiosity that somehow you're clever enough to get away with this. And that's probably why we often do see infidelity in narcissistic relationships. They think that they, they think they deserve it. They think they can get away with it. And they don't really stop to think about how it's affecting the other person.
Question for you: Do all narcissists cheat? Drop it in the comments. Tell me what you think. Do you think they all cheat or not? Did the narcissistic person in your life, the relationship you're, you were in, did that happen? All right. And if you're new to this channel, I am Dr. Romney, and this channel is a deep dive into all things related to narcissism and narcissistic relationships to ask and and grapple with questions like this. Uh, if you're new to this channel, please subscribe and join this community of people who are learning so much about narcissism every day. And if you want to be told each time we have a new video, just hit that notification bell.
But let's go back to the pressing question: Do all narcissists cheat? So personally, I, you know, when I do my little browsing on the internet, um, I am struck by how much online content on narcissism and narcissistic relationships are focused on cheating. So obviously, that's where this question came. With every other blog, I was like, "A cheat, cheat." But do they all cheat? No. That's where this all gets confusing. So let's break this down. Not all cheaters are narcissistic. Not all narcissists cheat. So let's start with the cheating narcissist first and get them out of the way, shall we?
Let's think about what infidelity or cheating or betrayal in a relationship are about. It reflects what? A lack of empathy, entitlement, grandiosity, validation seeking, superficiality, impulsivity, arrogance, egocentricity. Most of the ugly high points of narcissism. Someone who cheats is in no way, shape, or form taking into account the feelings of the other person, the person they're cheating on. When I work with cheaters in therapy, my question to them is, "Did you think about how your behavior would affect the person you are cheating on? Did you see your partner's face in your mind when you were texting or touching or having sex with the person you were cheating with?" And in most cases, the answer at the time they were doing those things, it was no. To me, that reflects a lack of empathy and a lack of self-reflective capacity. If you don't agree with it, drop in the comments, but that's how I see it.
In this online age we live in, cheating has become way too easy. Instagram DMs, dating sites, flirty emails. It's too easy. Narcissistic folks are impulsive, so anything that gives them a quick reward: drugs, spending money, gambling, and being shady online. Their impulsivity means that they send the DM to the attractive person and they just don't think. Narcissists are also expert rationalizers, so they will say stupid things like, "Oh, sending a DM or a dick pic isn't cheating." When you're the one being cheated on, discussions around semantics and behavioral specificity are not particularly appealing. My personal bias is that shady behavior online is cheating because it is drawing the emotional juice out of the primary relationship, and that's my position. But this combination of ease, quick validation, entitlement, and impulsivity that we see in the narcissist, bam, that online stuff and that shady stuff, that's the narcissist mothership.
Now, cheating also reflects the narcissist's use of relationships as a place to regulate and as places of domination. They use relationships to get a sense of power and pleasure, which they feel entitled to. And so having even more relationships added on are a way to do that. I remember once hearing the story of a narcissistic guy who had horribly emotionally abused his wife. He cheated on her with a long-term mistress and then cheated on on the mistress with some quick and dirty one-night stand type things. He was so entitled and just so in love with his power at the time, and he was just mainlining, mainlining the validation he was getting from these women. His career was going really well, he had tons of money, so as though he just couldn't get enough of the validation and power.
But this story actually has a happy ending. This guy ended up, not shooting where he eats, and he ended up having a liaison with somebody at work. He got fired. He lost lots of money that he would have originally gotten because of a morality clause in his contract. Contract. He ended up in a crappy living situation, and he would still talk about his glory days like a sad drunk in a corner bar. And the ringer was that his new girlfriend that he got after his fall from glory and living in his new CD apartment, she cheated on him. So there is justice, folks, just not in every story. But that was one of the justicey ones.
Now, the need for validation that narcissists need, as well as their need for novelty, that also means that cheating is very much their ground game. The narcissism-infidelity connection has been pretty well documented by relationship researchers for a while. Grandiose narcissists tend to be the worst cheaters, but malignant narcissists can be pretty bad too because they have so little empathy, relatively little remorse, and they're willing to use people for anything. It's a little bit more rare that the vulnerable narcissists cheat, and that's, um, they were lucky that they even got out of the house long enough to find you. But they need validation as much as other folks do. So they may feel that if the opportunity came up, that they have the right to cheat because life has been so unfair to them, or some other twisted, victimized justification. But it is more rare. So for those of you who have been cheated on by narcissists, you may not be surprised by that at all that they did it to you because for some of you, you may come to find out that your own relationship with them may have started in a sort of blurry space.
Narcissistic folks tend to be serial cheaters, and after they are caught, may beg for forgiveness. You forgive them, then they cheat again. They justify, rationalize, and will often blame their partners. You, by saying things like, "Oh, you weren't around enough. You stopped having sex with me as much. You were too busy." That whole gambit of blaming the person they hurt and cheating on them. So when a narcissist cheats on you, the puzzle pieces fit right. You get it. You read the thousands of blogs and watch the thousands of videos on cheating narcissists, and you find that a whole community has been through a narcissistic cheat experience, and then that's that. But that goes to the original premise of what this video is about. They don't all cheat. What's that about?
The self-righteous ones. Self-righteous narcissists. That's a long shot that they would cheat. They get their supply and their validation from being, oh so morally upright and better than the rest of us. Now, if they are too morally upright, sometimes you may see a reaction formation kind of thing, like when the Rolls-Royce preachers out there who claim to have a direct line to God are found with their parishioners or other admirers in a hotel room. But by and large, the self-righteous folks will judge infidelity and cheating behavior and they're content to get their validation by staying on their moral high ground and judge those who are unfaithful.
The neglectful narcissist may not cheat either because relationships are not particularly interesting for them, and they may not care that much about sex or companionship. But not all narcissistic folks cheat. It may be that their validation comes from different places. It may be the some of the narcissists who are more introverted may be less likely to do that. That they may not care as much about sex or intimacy. They may not want to spend the time with someone else because they get their attention in other ways, for example, through their work or a hobby. They're still, oh, like all narcissists, they're still finding ways to get validation, isn't it? But it just isn't coming from another person. If they're so dismissive and disinterested.
So if your narcissistic partner is so disinterested, it feels like they're cheating, they simply may not be. They just may simply be dismissive and disinterested. They, they may do other mean things that are unkind and show a lack of empathy for getting your birthday, making fun of you. But cheating may simply not be in their wheelhouse. So in these cases, you're experiencing all the ickiness of a narcissistic relationship, but just not that betrayal, infidelity piece.
While cheating can break your heart, for some people, they will say, "Well, I kind of made the breakup a little easier." Some people will say they had a sort of publicly sanctioned reason to leave. They cheated, and you might be able to rationalize leaving the relationship better. They cheated. But if it's only, and I put "only" in quotes, if it's only invalidation and dismissiveness and manipulation and gaslighting and reactive rage, well, that may not feel like enough to leave for some people, even though it absolutely is. I have heard hundreds of survivors say, "If my partner hit me or cheated, I would leave." Somehow being chronically narcissistically abused wasn't enough.
Cheating harms people. It takes a massive psychological toll on the person who's being cheated on, and especially when it's repeated, which is what narcissists do. Like I said, they are the serial cheaters. Infidelity steals trust, and betrayal, and the experience of betrayal is just not good for our mental health. And narcissistic cheaters are different. There are cheaters out there who do feel remorse, take responsibility, go into therapy, change behavior, and they don't do it again. These are not the narcissists. Narcissistic cheaters are repeat offenders. They need the validation, and they just keep doing it. You may call them out on it, and they may get better at hiding it, but they just keep doing it. They do not take responsibility or accountability. And when a narcissist is cheating and they get caught, they're quick, quick to shift the blame onto you. They will minimize the harm they cause by their cheating. "Oh, we didn't really have sex, blah, blah, blah." They will rationalize and justify their behavior, all of which betrays survivors further. And narcissistic cheating is the worst form because they don't tend to change. So you forgive, and they do it, and they forget. You give, you forgive, and they do it. It's terrible.
Not all narcissists cheat. But be careful that you do not allow that to become a rationalization to put up with the other bad behavior in a narcissistic relationship because all of that other stuff, the invalidation and the, the dismissiveness and the manipulation, that's really bad too. But yeah, no, they don't all cheat. Many do not all do. I have worked with many people in many narcissistic relationships where infidelity just wasn't a thing. The other stuff was really, really bad, but that wasn't a thing. And that was often very confusing for folks. Again, it's not a, it's not a unidimensional quality. And that's the case. But would love to hear your stories too. Always drop them in the comments.
We're going to talk about cheating today, specifically. We're going to talk about the difference between being cheated on by a narcissist and just being cheated on. There's a difference. Again, before we get going on what that difference is, hit that bell, subscribe, because if you do, we let you know about new videos coming up. You're notified in real time, and all the other goodies we offer, like YouTube lives and other series. And we're going to be expanding more and more to more content to answer all of your questions. So let's talk about cheating.
It doesn't feel good to be cheated on. It really doesn't. And even some of the most open-minded people in the world, obviously, get hurt. Jealousy is a universal emotion. It is something our brains are wired to feel. We don't like it when our partner strays. It feels like a betrayal. It impacts us in terms of our ability to trust. We don't like it. Some of you may have cheated. Many, more of you have been cheated on, and you will often see it as one of the greatest betrayals you've ever had. In fact, many people will say if they were cheated on, it has changed the how they view trust for many, many years going forward. In fact, many people say they're never even able to trust again.
One thing we do know, and we talk about this in the 30 Days of Narcissism, is narcissists cheat. It's something many of them do. Not all. And I get into that distinction of why not all of them cheat in that video. But many of them do. Why? Because when you're a narcissist, you get bored of your narcissistic supply. That's why they're sometimes not very good at long-term marriages. After a while, they want someone younger. They just want someone who brings different supply. They want someone who makes them look good in public. They want someone who validates and admires them in a new way. They want someone who sends them flirty texts. They just constantly need narcissistic supply. Cheating is a great way to get that. Doesn't make it any better for you, but that's really what it is. They're thinking like, "Oh, I already have your narcissistic supply. F, not that interesting." You might have already been discarded a little bit too because you're just, again, after a few years, they do get bored. They may try to control you. They may try to call all the shots, but they're definitely getting bored with you. So they cheat, and that brings in new narcissistic supply.
Because narcissists are so entitled, they feel like they have the right to cheat because they should have anything that they possibly want because they're so grandiose. They think that this is the grand love story of the ages and that they should have it and view themselves as being in some sort of grand epic love story while they have this love affair and use all kinds of rationalizations like, "Well, this is how they do it in France," or some other such thing. One thing that a narcissist does not do when they cheat is really think about how this is affecting their partner. And that was where sort of the devastation lies.
When I've worked with clients who have endured infidelity in a marriage or in a long-term relationship, I've often asked them, "Would you have preferred that they talked to you about this first?" And in most cases, people say, "Yes. Though that would have sucked too. I would have simply liked it that they wanted to work on this relationship or that I was enough." Remember, when someone cheats on you, it's not because you're not enough. It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the person who's making that choice. So the fact is that many people will say that, "Yeah, I would have just preferred to not been deceived." Because it's the deceiving. And what narcissists do when they cheat is they gaslight. "That's not true. I'm not doing that." And they will deny and deny and deny cheating until you have video proof. And then they'll say, "Oh my God, all right, enough. Yes, I did it. You just get so crazy that I didn't want to tell you the truth." So now they, who have deceived you and lied to you, are turning it around and saying, "I simply couldn't tell you this because you are the one who's unhinged." Gaslighting on steroids.
When a narcissist cheats, it feels invalidating, as all cheating does. But more than anything, it's to give them validation, narcissistic supply. It plays on their entitlement, and it's not unusual for narcissists to be serial cheaters. They will apologize. They will go to therapy. They'll cry their crocodile tears. "I'm so sorry. I can't believe I messed up our family." Or they'll gaslight. "It really wasn't that bad. She didn't mean anything. We were going through a rough patch." And you believe it, and you take them back in. Or maybe you don't believe it, but you don't want to blow up your family, so you accept it and you move forward, and you may even forgive it. And then they do it again. Those ongoing betrayals are like breaking a bone over and over again in the same place.
So what's the difference between that and being cheated on by somebody who's not a narcissist? If you read the work of famed psychotherapist Esther Perel, who's done some really, really interesting work writing about and speaking about infidelity in relationships, she takes the point of view that not all cheating is created the same way. And she actually highlights the fact that in some relationships, they actually use it as a wake-up call. They grow from it. Instead of it destroying them, they take some important lessons from it and pay it forward into their own relationship. She sees that cheating is sometimes a byproduct of excitement seeking in a relationship. It may reflect different temperaments in a relationship, but that reparation can be made. Because Esther Perel works with a different patient population than I do. I don't see that as much because I tend to work with people who are dealing with narcissistic cheaters. But her work is actually really quite compelling, and she, and she makes the points really, really well.
So then this takes us back to this point of these excitement-seeking, sort of garden-variety, non-narcissistic cheaters. The non-narcissistic cheaters can actually be kind of nice people. There are people who may have actually started, kind of the relationship, the marriage started losing its mojo, or the relationship started losing its mojo. There was more time maybe spent on kids or careers. The couple may have been traveling a lot. They were in different places. They got married very young, and one person wanders out of the relationship and they get caught in it, or they fess up to it, and meaningful conversations ensue. But one of the most meaningful conversations is often the authentic and genuine devastation that the cheater felt at how badly they hurt their partner through their dishonesty. It keeps them up at night. It destroys them. They recognize the hurt. They even recognize it while they were doing it, and we'll recognize that they got caught up in everything. It wasn't as much about narcissistic supply. It was about a different dynamic.
But here's the key difference. This is the key difference between being cheated on by a narcissist and being cheated on by a non-narcissist. The non-narcissistic individual will actually often implement the lesson, will apologize in a genuine and authentic way, will commit to never ever doing this again, and will do the hard work of breaching that rupture and fostering trust again in the relationship. It will be a meaningful, heartfelt gesture. I've seen it in clients I've worked with over the years. It is committed. The couple gets past the rupture. They recognize the period that it was, and they recognize it as any rough patch in a marriage, same as they would maybe someone losing a job or having to move to a city they didn't want to go to, or nursing somebody through a major illness in the relationship. It was a blip. It was a moment. It's something they learned from. And if anything, that non-narcissistic cheater commits themselves head over heels into the relationship, recognizing the importance of things like mindfulness, being respectful, being aware, being open, and open communicating openly about what both of them need in their relationship. It is a very different experience down the road.
Listen, at the time the revelations come out, whether you're cheated on by a narcissist or a non-narcissist, it feels very similar. It feels like a betrayal. It feels like a breach of trust. It hurts terribly. You feel misunderstood, unheard, unseen. And the most, of all, sadly, what so many people believe is that they're not good enough. When they're more than enough. It's your partner who did this. It's not a reflection of you. But as time goes on, is really where you see the difference.
If you've been cheated on by a narcissist, the narcissist wants everything to go back to the way it was. "Come on, let's just pretend that didn't happen or it wasn't that big a deal." Gaslighting, denial, all kinds of things that play with your reality. It did happen, and it did hurt. And as the person who was hurting this, you do deserve that opportunity to talk about those feelings and feel like you're safe enough to talk about them.
When we contrast that to being cheated on by a non-narcissist, it feels very, very different. The non-narcissist is willing to sit and hear your pain, is genuinely contrite and apologetic for what they did, would understand that there may be a very real consequence to their actions, and instead of denying it or minimizing it, will say, "I messed up. I hurt you. And if you decide that you can't stay in this, I have to respect that decision." That feels very, very different. That someone's like, "It wasn't that big a deal. It was only one time. What's wrong with you? Why do you keep making such a big deal out of this?" That's a very, very different feeling.
In the second scenario, in not, in the second scenario, you may still feel like you can't get past this, and that's okay. Sometimes people can't, and that is okay. You can give yourself that permission. But sometimes people feel like they can and learn from it and move forward and implement this life lesson into their relationship. That's very possible if you've been cheated on by someone who's not a narcissistic, invalidating person. Not so much when you're with a person who is a narcissistic cheater because there's all kinds of other stuff that go with that of being chronically invalidated and disrespected and devalued in so many other ways. The cheating just becomes part of a longer list. Whereas people who are cheated on by non-narcissists will say, "You know, the relationship kind of felt like it was going on as usual, though he seemed like or she seemed a little bit more distracted than usual." But because there was some other good connective tissue, perhaps around things like respect, which obviously has ruptured a little after that experience, but shared interests and that kind of thing, those things can sustain and again, make the connective tissue that can help a relationship like this last.
It's important to understand the difference because what ends up happening is if you go online and you seek out guidance on infidelity and how I should be healing, a lot of that information is all smushed up. Narcissistic and non-narcissistic cheating, all those stories together. They're very different stories. Only you know if you're in a relationship with somebody who's narcissistic and that this is part of a larger pattern. You can definitely tell the difference. The denials, the gaslighting, the twisting the truth, all of that. That has a very different feel. The micro-cheating, the, the ongoing doing it not once, but twice, but three times, but four times, feeling entitled to it. It feels very different. They'll be entitled in all areas of their life, not just in their infidelity. And it's all really, really uncomfortable. You know that that experience feels very invalidating all the way around, and that you've got a bigger problem than infidelity. That's one of many problems you have to deal with when you're in a relationship with a narcissist.
Reflect on that difference again. Infidelity in a relation, long-term relationship can be really, really devastating. It can be even more devastating if you grew up in a family system where you saw it happen between your own parents. It can also bring up those old feelings of not feeling safe and of what it must have felt like for the other parent who was going through it and being cheated on, or God forbid, feeling like you were the one who had to keep one of your parents' secrets. So there is a difference, and only you know. I mean, which, which story is yours? But to understand it feels different when you go online and get that cheating information, it's all smooshed up. Be aware that the kinds of stories, the kind of healing, and the kind of hurt looks and feels very different. Again, for all of you, I really hope that you do have a relationship that's characterized by trust, respect, and open communication. All of you deserve it. And hopefully, at some point in your life, either you're already having it now because you've gotten out of a narcissistic relationship, or you find it in the future. That's my hope for all of you.
Today, we're going to talk about a very interesting issue that has been raised by numerous people on comments on videos and in emails I've received about something called the infidelity industry, and specifically how it hurts people in narcissistic relationships. Before I get to this, because I bet a lot of you didn't even know what the infidelity industry is, please, as always, if you could subscribe, drive to this channel, hit that button, hit that bell. If you want to get notifications. So let's take this on. This issue of the infidelity industry, and more specifically, as we talk about the infidelity industry, to talk about the harm it does to people in narcissistic relationships.
Now, some of you may not be entirely familiar with this idea of the infidelity industry, but it's basically this entire network of retreats and programs to help people sort of put their marriages kind of back together again after a major breach in their relationship. So if you're willing to pay somewhere between two thousand and eight thousand dollars, you can attend what is called an infidelity recovery or an affair recovery intensive workshop. These are typically three to four day or maybe weekend long programs in which you are put through your paces as a couple, and you're supposed to have guided, painful conversations that are typically around an indiscretion or an infidelity or an affair in a relationship, and then start doing the restorative work, say the deep apologies, take ownership, the person who cheated to take ownership, and forgive and commit to your marriage. It is a big money industry, and people go in wanting to save their marriages. The fact is, divorce is painful, and people don't want to dismantle a life or a family. Something I completely understand. I see that in my own clients who are going through that. But alas, these retreats run a risk.
The one thing I have too often seen missing from the conversations about infidelity and betrayal in a relationship is a meaningful, and I mean meaningful and thoughtful conversation about narcissism. Now, not all people who are unfaithful in a relationship are narcissistic. Yeah, there are plenty of people out there who talk about the range of reasons that people cheat, and these can include things like excitement seeking, immaturity, sex addiction, and, you know, and that when it comes down to it, that the fundamentals of those marriages may actually not be terrible. The people in the marriage may still have some shared interests, shared purpose, respect, and if you cheat on someone, how much you respect them, some laughter. But there's a cheating spouse who may be confused, who may be immature, who betrays trust, and the cheating spouse is actually naive enough to believe they can control it all and it's all going to be okay and they can keep the secret and on and on and on. I've seen some of those cases. It ain't the majority.
Now, in these cases of like non-narcissistic cheaters, there may actually be real guilt. Their affair may have been propelled by curiosity. This idea, "I want more from life." The cheater may even claim to have real empathy for their spouse and talk about the feeling like, "Ah, you only live once." That whole YOLO thing. And I had always regret if I didn't maybe look at this relationship with this other person. Or they make rationalizations. Maybe their lover is married, so they believe it won't escalate. Or they really, I'm like, "I'm never going to leave my spouse. This is just sex and it's compartmentalized." And maybe, just maybe, there is just enough empathy and willingness to take responsibility in these cases to save the marriage and work on trust.
Now, in these cases, the cheater is accountable. They'll tell the truth. They'll cop to it. They'll even recognize the hurt they caused. But this only happens in some, and I'd even say less than a majority of cases. When you get to the narcissistic cheaters, and I got to tell you, it seems like they may be more common. It's an entirely different game. Narcissists feel entitled to having an affair and having sex with other people. They are grandiose. They are arrogant enough to believe they won't be caught. They lack empathy for their spouse, so they don't even think about how these choices would hurt them. And getting caught by the narcissistic cheater only concerns them to the degree that it would make them look bad as the cheater to the world. They're actually not caring what it's doing to their spouse.
Narcissists, narcissistic cheaters are impulsive and they do what they want. They tend to be superficial enough to have fallen into this little love affair because the other person was hot or rich. And these narcissistic cheaters are validation seeking, so they need their lover, they need their little micro-affair so they can get more narcissistic supply. Narcissistic cheaters cannot take responsibility and they blame other people. So if you do find them out, they will blame you for the affair, saying you weren't there for them, and so they had to go and have sex with somebody else. And of course, they are insecure and immature enough that they need the extra partner, they need the extra validation to help them feel good about themselves. Doesn't sound like something that's easy to come back from.
Now, the affair, though, remember, extramarital affairs don't happen in a vacuum. This entitled, grandiose, arrogant, unempathic, careless, validation-seeking, superficial, blaming, insecure person is not a healthy person with whom to have a relationship. Affair or not. The cheating is one of many symptoms in this relationship, and it is happening alongside other health, unhealthy patterns like gaslighting and invalidation and all the other kinds of lies and verbal and emotional abuse and undermining and insults. The cheating is just part of a long list.
And I'm going to be honest with you, that's why I'm doing this video. Frankly, I am sick of it. I am tired of having people come to my office having been given a bad bill of goods at some infidelity retreat or marital fix-it therapy, and nobody, nobody willing to call their cheating spouse out as toxic or narcissistic. After years in a narcissistic relationship, the non-narcissistic spouse is chronically upside down, unsure, full of self-doubt, and often second-guessing themselves. A person in a narcissistic relationship will often blame themselves and even start to believe that maybe they were the reason for the affair, and that's not healthy. And listen, I'm also willing to work with those non-narcissistic spouses on issues like codependency, but that kind of thinking and sitting in with therapists and coaches and all those other people working on forgiveness can be very confusing for a person who's already confused.
And because many times at these fix-the-marriage retreats, in one weekend, there is little recognition or willingness to call out narcissism. In fact, the narcissist in these cases is in hog heaven because there is nothing a narcissist loves more than forgiveness, a chance to do bad things and not face any consequences or have the entire slate wiped clean. And in one of these sorts of sort of marital fix-it setups, the discourse is often focused on how both people in the relationship need to take responsibility. And you can see how it becomes a toxic mess for a person in a narcissistic relationship when now all of a sudden, you are having to take responsibility for your partner's affair.
I have talked and worked with more than a few people who stayed in narcissistic marriages for many years after one of these fix-it programs of therapy or these retreats. They would double down on being better for their narcissistic spouse and being available for them all the time and having sex with somebody that they felt betrayed by, which is never a healthy paradigm. And they keep trying, trying to ignore the ongoing lack of empathy, the devaluation, the invalidation. And at a minimum, you just paid five grand for a marital fixing retreat, so you may have cognitive dissonance about that as well and want to get your money's worth out of the whole thing. And I'm willing to take the bet. I'm willing to take it right here and now that that narcissist is going to cheat again. Remember why narcissists cheat? They need supply, they need validation, they are novelty seekers, they are entitled, they have a very superficial sense of what sex and romance are about, they are arrogant enough to think they will not be caught, and that they should have the right to do what they want. So it keeps happening, and you keep referring to all those little books and websites they gave you on trust that you heard about at the retreat, and yet your partner's phone keeps making pings and buzzes all night long, and he or she still takes their phone into the bathroom and doesn't let it out of their sight, and will continue to gaslight you. They'll say things like, "Oh my gosh, I thought we were past this. We worked on our trust at that retreat and in therapy. When will you let it go?" And after that kind of statement, you then start feeling paranoid and crazy.
The infidelity industry is very profitable, and sometimes it also takes on a religious tenor, arguing that it is not the will of God to dissolve a marriage. And pick any religion because they're all going to have that message, and they will use religious messages of forgiveness and duty and obligation and tradition to keep you on the hook, even as you're being emotionally abused. This kind of talk just serves to enable and empower the narcissist and rarely turns into meaningful behavioral change.
So what do you do? Let's say your partner cheats. Your partner is a narcissist, but you still want to keep the marriage for your own reasons. And those are not to be judged. They're your reasons. You don't need a retreat. You need radical acceptance and realistic expectations. Your partner is going to cheat again, and your relationship will remain invalidating. There you go. I just saved you four thousand dollars.
Okay, so if your partner has been invalidating, gaslighting, demeaning, devaluing, and discarding, and they cheat, honestly, you have bigger problems than the cheating. I am always amazed at how many people view infidelity or cheating as a deal breaker, but they don't have a problem with being disrespected and devalued for 20, 30, 40 years. If you still decide to go to a marriage salvation retreat or a marriage salvation program or that kind of form of therapy, and your partner is in fact a narcissist, it may make things worse in your marriage. You may be, it may be suggested to you that you're the one who's complicit in your partner's affair. And because many therapists don't want to name call your partner or label them, they might do things like attempt to find your love language or some other excuse for your partner's bad behavior. You've got to remember, even if your therapist doesn't tell you, their personality patterns are not going to change, and you're still likely to be treated badly, cheating or not cheating. You've got to decide if that's something you want to be on board for, whatever your reasons are.
The best intervention you can pursue is therapy for yourself with a person who understands narcissism and narcissistic abuse, so you can learn what's happening, some of the underlying dynamic issues, get tools to manage it, learn your own vulnerabilities, your histories, and determine your next steps. You know that I've put out videos out there about the things that make people vulnerable to getting sucked into and stuck into narcissistic relationships. We're doing more and more series on those all the time. Yeah, I do agree that the person in a cheating relationship, if you're not the cheat, or if you're the GT, as it were, there is some responsibility taking because if you are making excuses and justifications for this, it does require a deeper dive into what's happening for you. Why is this cognitive dissonance driving you so much? What are issues around trauma bonding? What are the messages and patterns you've seen and experienced around codependency? That's your part of the work. But to be told that some sort of magic wand, some tears are going to be cried on along a lakeside on one weekend around infidelity is going to make this all better when you are dealing with a narcissistic spouse is very unlikely.
I do want to say that in some cases, these programs, if the spouse is not narcissistic, like I said, if they fall into that bucket of people who are actually decent spouses, decent people, where there is respect and empathy and in laughter and connection in many parts of the relationship, but your partner took a long turn on the road, whatever the myriad reasons are, even in those cases, it's not incumbent on you to forgive. That's on you if that feels right to you. But there may be more to work with. But I think the unwillingness of a lot, a lot of these marriage fix-it programs to really do the deeper dive into some of the personality issues and try to water it down and to talk about love languages and love styles and all of that, and not really take a hard look at uncomfortable, high-conflict, disregulated, antagonistic, devaluing personality patterns, really misses the boat and can really keep people stuck into very, very unhealthy relationship situations for much longer than is good for them.
Listen, the choice to stay in a marriage is a very personal one. My only hope is if a person decides to stay in a relationship where the fundamentals are unhealthy, and especially when narcissistic personality styles are involved, that they do so with acceptance and realistic expectations, so that you don't shred your own mental health by staying in a relationship that's not healthy. Keep your eyes wide open. And like I said, in mental health, I hate to say it, there are no quick fixes. This is really about a willingness to take a good long hard look at this. So again, it's always buyer beware. Pay attention and see if indeed a program like this does fit your kind of marriage. And don't blame yourself for your partner's affair.
Thank you again for tuning in. As always, if you're enjoying this content, please subscribe to this channel, hit that bell for notifications. We always love hearing your ideas for new content. This one, I never would have even known about this, this infidelity industry, if it weren't for many, many people who wrote in and told me about it, and then it forced me to do some research and a deeper dive and then reflect back on clients who had talked to me about this and say, "This is interesting. I didn't realize this was a whole big machine that was pushing something that may not be good for everyone." Thanks again.