Transcription
Chapter 2B. Single Polly.
I believe in love, but I also believe in being single. I can do both at the same time. Chelsea Handler.
I've been navigating this journey of open relationships for more than 15 years. With the first five to six years being spent as a single person. During that time, I was a unicorn in the swinger scene, relishing the thrill of dating couples and enjoying my independence. I had so much fun being single that I never imagined I would ever end up in a committed relationship. I even envisioned a future with children yet never saw their father in that picture.
This highlights an essential aspect of my journey that I want to emphasize. Being single in the polyamorous landscape can be both rewarding and challenging. For those of you who are single, I want to take a moment to address your unique experiences. Much of my content revolves around primary relationships, anchor partnerships, and the dynamics that arise when expanding outside of those bonds. But what if you're stepping into this world without an anchor?
Understand your values. It's crucial to spend time understanding your own values and what you seek in partners. Write down your needs, deal breakers, and the agreements you make with yourself. The self-awareness will serve as a foundation as you navigate relationships.
Dating married people while seeking a primary partnership. Jeff was committed to finding his life partner. He wanted to be a dad and to raise kids, but found himself in his late 30s without any long-term prospects. He liked the concept of polyamory and decided that since he wasn't having luck with primary partners, he'd kill time by dating coupled poly women. Right out of the gate, he met Mia and she swept him off his feet. She declared her love for him, perhaps without telling her husband, and they began seeing each other often. Jeff fell hard for Mia, only to be ripped away from her painfully when her husband called a veto on the relationship. Nearly a year later, he's still reeling from the heartache and now recognizes that he allowed himself to think that there was a chance that Mia could be his life partner.
If you are in pursuit of life partnership, you're entitled to seek your mate. However, coupled individuals are not a likely candidate for the role, and being unclear about this with couples can lead to mistrust, breakdowns, and drama. A lover of mine showed me how to manage this beautifully last month. When I told him that I was excited about him, he shared that he's looking for a life partner and that he only had capacity to be my lover friend. I'm so grateful for his clarity as that set the tone for a fun and light relationship.
Exercise. Before you begin dating others, take some time to get clear on your own values. Consider what you want in your future relationships using the following structure.
My relationship needs.
One, my values. List them out as examples. Honesty, openness, love, generosity, communication, responsibility, family, or freedom.
Number two, what I need in a lover. Some examples. I need open communication, especially during challenging times, not just when things are good. I need my partner to seek understanding and to trust positive intent. I need them to be committed to personal and mutual growth, embracing both learning and teaching. I need my lover to engage with and embrace both my community and theirs. I seek a partner who strives for the highest version of themselves and supports me in my own pursuit of self-improvement.
Three, what I won't tolerate. Examples, I won't accept lying, deceit, exploitation other of others for personal gain. I won't tolerate a pattern of taking without reciprocation. I won't accept any form of intentional, physical, or emotional harm. I won't tolerate ghosting.
Giving a name to your values is not a one-time endeavor, but an ongoing process of reflection and evolution. As you navigate the complexities of polyamorous relationships, revisiting and updating your understanding of your needs will empower you to engage more fully and authentically. By creating a solid foundation of self-awareness, you can approach your relationships with confidence and clarity, ultimately fostering deeper connections and enriching experiences.
A note on control disparity. As a single poly individual, it's important to acknowledge the issue of control disparity in open relationships. Many who identify as open, ethically non- monogous enm or polyamorous often face power imbalances, particularly when dating couples. This is especially true for those couples that are now that are new to open relating or adhere to hierarchical structures. Research suggests that among 16% of adults identifying as non- monogous in the US, at least 90% within couples operate within some form of hierarchy. This means that your needs, wants, and desires may as a single person be secondary to those of the couple. As Jeff so uncomfortably learned, you may feel overlooked, labeled as a third, or even face veto powers used against you. It can be disheartening. I often found myself broken up with because my desires were perceived as too much. I remember journaling about my frustrations years ago, questioning why it seemed easier for everyone else. The truth is being single and dating couples is not easy.
Fuckups involving control disparity. Couples who are reading this, please take note as these fuckups are often yours and cause serious confusion within singles.
Number one, cancellation and ghosting. Couples might cancel plans at the last minute or ghost you entirely, leaving you feeling undervalued and confused.
Number two, bait and switch. Different dynamics may emerge during dates, leading to disappointment when one partner does not present their authentic self. You may find yourself acting like a relationship coach when you thought you were walking into a date.
Number three, misaligned expectations. Couples may fail to communicate their boundaries or agreements clearly, resulting in misunderstandings about the relationship's nature and setting you as a single person up to be in an agreement violation situation without your knowledge.
To navigate these challenges, it's crucial to establish your own boundaries. Consider limiting your dating pool to other single poly individuals at first, which can help you avoid some pitfalls associated with dating couples. If you choose to engage with couples, communicate openly about their boundaries and your own before developing a romantic connection. This will help you to understand the dynamics at play and whether they align with your desires.
Be clear about your desires. A vital piece of advice for single poly individuals is to be transparent about your desires from the outset. Communicate what you want from these relationships and ensure that everyone is on the same page before becoming sexually involved. If your feelings shift, express those changes honestly. Recognizing when a person is not romantically available can save you from heartbreak, as they may already be aware of their limitations from the onset.
Evaluate your connections. Spend time assessing whether a group, lover, or couple is right for you. Dating couples can be challenging as jealousy and insecurities often arise. Be clear about the type of polyamory you desire. Whether it's parallel poly relationships, swinger connections, or a kitchen tableorked poly environment. Additionally, understand your role in polyamory. If you're uncomfortable being viewed as a secondary partner, communicate that upfront. Conversely, if you're okay with it, make that clear as well. Protecting your heart and entering relationships with your eyes wide open are paramount.
Exercise. Take the time to get clear about what you want. Do you enjoy being single? How long do you intend to remain single? Are you seeking a primary partner? If so, what kind of relationships are you seeking? Co-parenting, cohabitating, consistent lovers, etc. If you date someone who is otherwise coupled, what will your expectations be of that relationship? A date once a month, more? How do you intend to relate to your lover's other partners? Will you seek friendship with them? And if not, how will you communicate your needs and boundaries with your lover upfront? If you start off agreeing not to entangle romantically, but find yourself falling in love, how will you communicate this with your partner or lover? How will you communicate this with their partners? What are your values, your needs from a lover, your deal killers?
And a final note on seeking primary partnership. If you're seeking a primary partner, be clear about that with everyone you date. I've had lovers express their desire for a primary partnership, which has led to some breakups, but ultimately clarified our relationships. Discuss upfront whether a new lover has the potential to be that primary partner. And if they don't, assess if you still want to engage with them. Finding your primary partner in a poly environment can be more challenging. I remember journaling about my struggles before meeting my husband. Why is it so easy for everyone else? When I date single men, they try to lock me down. When I date couples, they think I'm trying to steal their man. It always ends. Why is this so hard? Ironically, I wrote that just before meeting my husband. So, take heart. It does happen. You will find your primary partner if you're seeking one, but it may take time and support. Remember that your feelings, insecurities, and experiences matter. Lean on your partners, friends, and polycill for support. The journey of being a single poly individual is filled with ups and downs, but with self-awareness and open communication, you can navigate it successfully.