Transcription
Hello everyone. You're extremely welcome to our channel Narcon where we deal with all things in relation to narcissists so that we can understand what went on better in order for us to heal and protect ourselves going forward.
Today I'm going to give you the absolute truth. It's adlib about a certain question that I know I had when the relationship, if you want to call it that, the transactional type of relationship we would have had with a narcissist appears to be over when the final discard has occurred or the final maybe bigger discard is a better way to describe it. So, what does the narcissist lose when they leave the relationship with you? What do they lose in you?
But I suppose more importantly, because when you're trying to understand a narcissist and what actually went on with your particular normal human thinking pattern, it's very difficult to place meaning on what's happened because it doesn't make sense. So, a lot of us are stuck trying to come up with the answers that we need for closure because you ain't going to get that from a narcissist. Giving you closure would effectively mean that you would heal quicker and not be stuck and available to them at a later stage if and when they decided to come and hoover you back in. And at the back of the narcissist mind, that's what they know they're going to do in their subconscious because that's what they always do in the part of their behavior pattern that goes from targeting.
I call it I have a different type of a few extras written into the cyclical behavior cycle of a true narcissist. They have the targeting, the searching, the predator stage. Then they have the hooking in stage, the lovebombing stage, then what I call the feeding stage. They have the devaluation stage. And then they have the discard stage, which is effectively banking you to return to in the future when they start their targeting cycle again in your arena. A lot of people, you know, when you say to somebody, you will more than likely be hoovered by the narcissist back into the relationship or they're going to come knocking at your door or they're going to send someone in. A lot of people just that's unfathomable to people because of the way the narcissist left. So that's the kind of the let's say the story book we're looking at today.
But the particular part of the story book that we're going to examine is how is the narcissist actually truly feeling and thinking as they discard you. Then we're going to get on to what has the narcissist lost in losing the relationship with you. And then we're going to get on to how does the narcissist perceive that loss. And the important part of this is that changes with the narcissist at different stages. So we'll get on to that. Okay.
You may have received a lot of little mini discards very emotionally disturbing in the relationship with the narcissist. And for the want of a more concise and compact example, I'm going to take the intimate relationship. the 12 to 18month lasting one. They can go on for four to five years, they can go on long term. While all narcissists behave the same and use the same come from the same behavior drivers, um narcissists differ just like normal people differ in their situations in life and what they need in a particular situation. But there is a very common pattern of the 12 to 18month intimate relationship with the narcissist. So let's just use that for want of a more colorful and concise example.
The narcissist when leaving you has been building up to this because in the relationship there's a certain time limit for their maximum control over you. In the love bomb they have a lot of control over you. In the devaluation stage, they have control over you, but they need to manipulate you more and more and more to get you gas lit into continuing to put out supply for them. narcissistic supply being services, financial um and emotional output and your belief in their fake mask that's essential to them to maintain the false identity and to control you enough to make it make you useful enough to them to stay in the relationship.
So there comes a point in time when you even unwittingly may be laying down some boundaries or you get sick. You know, you haven't laid boundaries down. You've loved them, but you just get sick. You get exhausted and you're no dang used to the narcissist any more or it's too much trouble to control you. So the level of control and the work they need to do to control you and the output from you becomes less than favorable. And like a kid looking around the stores, they see something in that store that looks more appealing than what they have at the moment. And what they have at the moment is boring. They're always looking for something new, something that will shine back at them how wonderful they are.
So, to cut a long story short, the narcissist and their narcissism turns any little gripe or anything that they ever had against you, anything you ever said against them against you. And the fact that when they push your buttons on your vending machine, there's always trouble getting it out or sometimes there's trouble getting it out, the narcissistic supply. So they 110% turn against you in the discard and you become the reason for every single solitary problem in their world. Everything is focused on total black and white thinking. No object constancy. Nothing that you have ever done from for them is good. And they absolutely at that point in time when they're leaving you hate you. And that's why a lot of us feel so awful because it is seems so true and in the moment it is so true.
The narcissist is effectively giving every ounce of negativity they ever had within themselves. Every ounce of anyone ever going against them is all focused on you. You become the vessel into which they pour their darkness. That's the best way I can describe it. So it's no wonderful sorry it's no it's no wonder when they go off on their donkey that we are left collapsed in a terrible state actually believing the what they say to us because they believe it. So it is very believable particularly after all the manipulations that they have wrought upon us in the final stages of the relationship.
So at that point they are convinced. They are boyed up on all the narcissistic supply you've given them. They're boied up on the power they feel that you are devastated by them leaving you because they know what they are and they know that well they perceive you as being foolish for actually valuing them but that doesn't get to the forefront of the brain with them. So, they're going off. Again, I've often said this thinking you're the spawn of the devil and they're the superhero of their own lives. That's a temporary situation.
Now, while they're going off with their little cases packed and they're heading off to the next door to find somebody who's obviously going to be better than you in their little minds, that's the point where they feel the most empowered and happy because they have gotten everything you've gotten to give in their minds and they're going off to receive the full flowering phase of the love bomb with somebody else if possible. Not always possible for them. We often think and they want us to think and they put out on social media and through their flying monkeys that they're doing absolutely amazing and they've landed on their feet and they've met the love of their lives. But for the narcissist, the is plural because at some point in time when they meet the particular person they decide to stay with, that person is the best person, the best thing since sliced bread. And that changes on the way out. It changes. This is what you're dealing with. You're not dealing with a stable identity. You're dealing with somebody who's in a psychological time warp that they go on a little rat wheel around and around and around and around again doing the same thing with various different colors with different people. But it's always about the narcissist and their particular way of living life.
What do they lose in losing you? Well, if you're looking at a podcast such as this, you must have been like I was very very very upset and devastated when a particular relationship ended because you put everything you possibly had into the into that relationship. You really loved that person. You would have gone to the ends of the earth for that person. Tell me if I'm wrong. You shared, you worked, you supported, you congratulated, you praised, you got up in the middle of the night to look after them because that's what you do. That's what you consider loving someone else to be. And that's great when there's somebody else who can reciprocate that to the extent that there's some equality in the relationship and that you can remain in individuals and that it's not one individual being the master or mistress and the other individual being the slave.
So the narcissist, the happier they are leaving and the more happy they appear in their PR job or campaign in the optics they provide, the better source of supply you were for the narcissist. The more loving a person you were, the more supportive and capable a person you were, and the stronger a person you were, which is something that's hard to wrap your head around when you feel like you just can't move. When you feel so much post-traumatic stress that you can't think correctly and straight, that you can't focus your attention on things for long, that you're not paying your bills, that you find it hard to get out of bed, that you have negative thoughts about life in general. You're thinking, "I'm strong. You're telling me I'm strong, Paula, if you're at that stage." And I'm telling you, yes, you are. Because you have the capability to endure and survive time that that narcissist put you through. Inner turmoil, emotional upset, trying to figure things out that wouldn't would make the narcissist happy and not cause disruption in the relationship. You survived that. You survived that and you're still here and you're looking for answers. That to me is huge in survival. Looking for answers means it really mattered to you. You really care as a person. You have a lot of love to give.
Now you turn that love on yourself now. But start believing in your strength because the narcissist doesn't want that. The narcissist wants you to believe that you're weak and no good and full of shame and you're a failure. everything that they feel about themselves truly that their narcissism has shut down the shutters on the true self. And what they've done is now enforcing that shutter so they don't have to look beyond the shutter. They can project all of their shame and all of their darkness onto you.
So energetically, energetically I believe when you get this really into your brain and your brain needs reworking. Your brain needs repetition of podcasts such as this information, time spent with your friends, self-care where you tell yourself that you are worthwhile and that you're worth caring for. All of these things energetically decrease the narcissist's ability to be the worst version of themselves, which is the way they live their lives. I know a lot of people may not believe that, but I I totally believe that what you're putting out energetically, the narcissist still has a feeding tube into energetically. So, if you turn the narrative on the narcissist so that they can feel what they've lost because they've lost it because you're not sitting there hoping and hanging on and wondering when the narcissist will hoover. And if you're doing that, that's okay because that's what everybody does nearly post the discard. But if you break that connection energetically, if you break that spiritual bond, I am telling you that will affect the narcissist energetically wherever they are in the world.
So with that being said, what the narcissist has lost is a wonderful individual, an individual that works on light, that had their light dimmed. And I'm not saying saints. I'm not saying angels. I'm saying a person who's a normal human being who veers on the side of compassion, love, happiness, laughter, fun, enjoyment, and helping their other fellow human beings out and not cruel. The narcissist is extremely cruel. Extremely cruel. They defy humanity basically. D. They feed on destruction. They swim in darkness that soothes their souls.
So, the narcissist goes off, and we're going to get to this stage now. How does it change for the narcissist? How and when do they reflect back on you in a different light to the light that they left as they rode off on their poor little donkey. So initially that supply that they've gotten from you boys them up for quite some time and they are looking around. Not all of them can find a new supply and it is a they have to use a lot of the supply they got from you to keep their battery running enough for them to be able to procure the next new supply. I am telling you from evidential experience, the narcissist can go through three, four, five, six new supply sources very quickly because they do not measure up to you. And I know that for a fact.
If they stay and just trans, you know, monkey branch from you to somebody else, they've been working on that for quite some time. And that's going to put a huge amount of pressure on the next relationship because you know what you put out for the narcissist. You know how good you were. You know the benefits they got from being with you. And start believing in yourself again. And knowing that everything you did for the narcissist was just beautiful, was wonderful, was full of love. Just because the narcissist left you does not mean that that was not of great value to them. The reason they left was because they follow a rash wheel of a psychological disordered cycle and they need your supply without you getting anything in return for serving them and with them being able to control you 110%. When they can't do that, they leave. And that means that you have a value as a person because you stood up to this tyrant or tyrantress if there's such a word. That's why they left you because you had selfrespect and you remembered a part of who you are. And that will come back in buckets and spades and shovels and forks. And it'll come back twofold because you will have changed from this experience and you will begin to value yourself more once you get it straight in your head as to why that narcissist walked out and what the hell the whole thing was about.
So the narcissist, there's a lot of pressure on the next source of supply to be as good as you. And I don't know about you, but I know it would have been hard to replace the effort that I would have put into the relationship. So, I'm guessing a lot of you are the same because we if we didn't care, we wouldn't be trying to find answers basically. So that source of supply often gets ticked off quite quickly unless they have something the narcissist is after like they have a way into a job the narcissist wants you know all those kind of materialistic benefits then the narcissist will put up and shut up for quite some time until they get achieve their goal if they can hold it together without becoming discombobulated by the other person wanting things back from them if they can keep the mask on basically long enough to get what they want. And they don't always do that.
So the more they have to put out for the new supply, the more they resent the new supply. And as that goes forward, as they have to put out more for the new supply, and as the new supply might put some boundaries in, and new supply means new person, you start to look favorable again. But that can't there's no while there's no gray area with the narcissist, it has to kind of come in a jerky kind of way because the new supply needs to go black and you need to look white. So there's a bit of an earthquake going on until you go back up again in the narcissist's expectations or sorry impressions or opinions. Then the new supply is told all the things you did that were great. If only you could be a fly on the wall. And you might get a little contact from the narcissist because they're actually sewing seeds to get back with you unless they have a dreadful argument with the new supply. And then you may actually get a direct contact from the narcissist. Or the narcissist may go to another ex first of all as a transition to give you more time to regret losing them. to make you more under control. But they will do intel to to see who's the best person to go back to for a time to either build themselves up again or to stay with you until they get more boyed up or whatever they left that they didn't stay long enough to get.
So because they have no object constancy, nothing you did in the past mattered to them. The only reason you go white again is when the other person in your particular position because it's not about people or their loveliness or their soul or who they are. People are put in positions. So there's a partner position, there's a best friend position, there's a boss position. So, it's literally this person in this position is now demanding too much of the narcissist or is putting too many boundaries in. They're going to swap that person out and try and put you back in because because that person is black, you then go white and everything changes in the narcissist's mind about you. And it's not unfortunately we'd like to think this. Oh, I really regret losing, you know, Jilly or Jack. I really regret losing them. I should never have left them. That doesn't happen. That doesn't happen. They know they were far better off with you, but they their narcissism will not allow that because that would be them having to take accountability. They may take false accountability and apologize to you only if it's necessary to get you back. But they don't actually take accountability. That goes against the grain of their narcissism and them being superior in their minds and everyone else's mind. They will reframe you in I think if Paula made some adjust adjustments. I think we could work on this and I would forgive the things that I didn't like about her and she has potential but she would need to work with me and you know she'd need to really behave herself if I was to go back there and there's certain things we would do differently if they do take false accountability because you say get lost just get lost there's no way I'm going back with you haven't even said sorry then they'll come and say look I'm sorry you know it takes two to tango you know all this kind of old crapology and as they get back in with you it will unfold again um you know you are going to have to change Paula you know I can't you know I can't I can't think of staying with you unless you fundamentally change and go and get some therapy. I know I apologized because, you know, maybe I didn't handle you the way you need to be handled. I didn't tighten your straight jacket enough. They change the narrative if they're recycling you. So there is never, you know, accountability and apologies need backup action, but the backup action that comes from the narcissist is to as they get you hooked again to gradually go back at you and make it all your fault again. So that's what you're dealing with. That essentially is what you're dealing with. You're dealing with a robotic type of individual who is programmed to believe everybody else is to blame for any problems they have. Any perceived nos to the narcissist, you know, people saying no to them or asking for their own needs to be met is a direct affront to the narcissist and causes a big demarcation towards you that is saved on the computer and built up to a point that they reject you or eject you or delete what they consider to be a virus and they reprogram.
Guys and gals, we do not want this kind of crap in our lives. So, I hope this straightens things out. What they lost in you was huge, was wonderful, was generally irreplaceable. What you lost in them was a whip and a boot and a brain. nutter machine to totally try and shell you out as a person to confuse you, to gaslight you, and to ultimately destroy your very being.
So please, if you are sitting on that sofa today or if you're sleeping on it like Remy is sleeping on our sofa here, get up and go for that walk and re-evaluate yourself and remember who you are and remember the person that you are because you know inside who you are. You actually, and I I go back to this quite a lot in podcasts, we have a knowing. We have a knowing and a truth that's right inside us. And if we sit down and try and brush all the other things away, we know ourselves. We know who we are. So don't let any external thought or brain washing that's gone on let you forget the seed and the the soul of who you are because you're still there. Now you look after that little soul. You look after that little person inside you because you deserve to be looked after and you did not deserve to go through the demonic hellish time on earth that you went through with this individual who's hellbent on destruction.
Please take care and look after yourselves and we will see you again in our next podcast. Bye for now.