Transcription
Does your shirt say "Ihe heart coming"? It's where I'm from. Coming, Georgia. Go back. Go back right now. There's a place called Coming, Georgia. I don't know if I can make it. Come. I can wear it. You can wear it. This is for me. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thanks. Where'd you get this? You made this? You're way too proud. It's not that good. All right, relax. I'm not putting it on. I have on a good shirt. How old are you? 23. 23? You still aren't good at arts and crafts? What's your name? Kira. Kira. Nice to meet you, Kira. Who's uh, who's your friend? Kendall. Kendall. Kira and Kendall. Okay. Kira, Kendall, Kelly. Kira, Kendall, Kelly.
[Music]
K. You guys are all going to get pregnant by black guys. I can tell already. Cuz God is good all the time. This is my boss. Boss. Hello, boss. What are you or her boss at? What's the job? T-shirts. Do you make the t-shirts? This came from a [Applause] business. Boy, do I have a review. Stop looking at it. Stop looking at it. You gave it to me. What's it smell like? What does it smell like? Failure. People really jerk off into their socks. No. Right. You rug burning that mother. That's so you goddamn Neanderthal. That's insane. Wool sucks. Wool. That's a hard material to clean. How'd you know that? She almost caught me. Almost. I think you got caught. If she almost caught you, this wouldn't be a conversation. I knew what I was doing. No, you didn't. You were jerking off into wool. That's pretty fun. Did you see, did you catch him with sock in hand? And he was like, "Ah, you smell something?" Someone came on my sock. starts gaslighting her. Who is this? This is her father. That's pretty funny. It's a funny thing for your in-laws to know about. Guess who's not getting socks for Christmas. I got caught one time and you think the door is locked and somebody comes right through. You have two options. You can either turn the porn off or put your dick away. So then you, so then you just pull up the blanket and you're like, "What's up?" Just watching porn. What's going on? I'm getting caught up. We have a friend that does it on his stomach. She said on her own. She said we have a friend who jerks off on his stomach. Hold on. On his own stomach or onto his stomach? Hey Ryan, can you come over? You know what? You don't got to touch it, but can you just lay, can you just lay down? I need a target. What's his name? Just first name. His name is Jesse. Yeah. His brother's also blind, but he does not look on his stomach. His brother's blind. Both of them are blind, so he doesn't even know he's coming on his stomach. He's just walking around like a cinnamon roll the rest of the day.
[Applause]
Oh man. Oh [ __ ]. Lead with that. Oh my god. He doesn't even know. His brother's blind, too. Do they both do it? Now I just can't stop thinking about if. No, it's [ __ ]. It's not even funny. It's just gross. Never mind. Okay. So, say if both the blind kids, not kids, the grown men were coming on their stomach and they were like, "Just bump." I know. I. Didn't I tell you? I told you. You got to peel them apart like Velcro. I know. I know. This isn't how I wanted the show to end. You think I wanted to say something like that? Nasty. I know it's [ __ ] nasty, but he's blind, so have some respect. Oh man, I wonder how he got blind if he used to shoot.
[Music]
Further. Oh, this, this show got weird, dude. You guys are a cool family. Really looking forward to that wedding. Are the blind guys going to be there? Oh man. Are they going to be performing? You were hoping you would perform. You were hoping I would perform. I, I don't, I couldn't cover my own stomach. I couldn't reach it for sure. I can give you the upper thigh at best, but that's not going to, that's not going to woo. You know what I mean? I don't want sympathy. I want gasps. Louis CK is probably available. A lot of people don't get that one. He was he was a very famous. Sir, who's asking his wife? He was a very famous comedian. He's a great comedian, but he was he was jerking.
[Applause]
Off. It's not, it wasn't illegal, but it was not okay. Not okay. And he is not blind. He knew he was doing it. Is that where you're from? Yes. Oh, yeah. That's an American voice. Hi. What are you doing over here? Wait, you're down here? How the [ __ ] are you doing that? Why did it sound like it was coming from up here? I'm sorry. Balcony here. Up here. Right here. That's exactly where I pointed and you said she's down there. Hi. Yeah, that's where I'm looking. It's not about y'all. It never has.
[Applause]
Been. Right there. Hi. What are you doing here? I'm married. Nice. Where is he? He's here. He's up there. Oh, what's up, dog? What's your name? Um, Sam. Sam, nice to meet you. How's Broto? Lame. That was stupid. That was stupid. That was stupid. Where'd you meet Miss California? San Francisco. In San Francisco. Can I have a long story? Can I have a long story? Skip it. All right. Never mind. I don't, I don't have that kind of time. Put working on death row case. A death row case. Ooh, you guys are so middle school. You work for Netflix or something like, what were you doing a documentary or you a lawyer? I'm a lawyer. A lawyer. One of your clients was on death row. Uh, yeah. Yeah. Is he alive? Yeah, he's still alive. Yeah, you won the case. Nice. You don't know if he did this [ __ ] or not. You guys are just cheering for him doing a good job. That might have been a great murderer. We don't know. What were they trying to get him for? Uh, double homicide. Double homicide. That takes skill. That's not just one, but that's two. Well, I'm a lawyer jargon, dude. And you don't think he did it? Oh, no, he.
[Applause]
[Applause]
Didn't. Remember when you guys were like, still alive? I knew you [ __ ] jumped the gun on this one. I knew it. So why isn't he dead as [ __ ]? Technical. Technical. Shut the [ __ ] up. That's insane. I know you did it, but you did it right. So we can't like, we can't get you for that one. Wow. Can he kill one more? Is it too late? What'd you say? Gay. He said, "Uh, duh." That's your husband. Hi, husband. Nice to meet you guys. Husband, how old are you? 33. 33. You got a sexy accent, dude. Are you Latin or just gay? What was that? Bagia, Colia. Bagia, Colombia. I don't know what you said, but I think I'm gay now. I think I just came out in in Spanish. That was sexy as [ __ ]. I see why you did this. Born gay. How long have you been Colombian? That's so stupid. Married, you said already. I missed, I missed the [ __ ] wedding. It was this past May. Yeah, like two weeks before we were supposed to see you. Two weeks before you were supposed to see me. Your mother. I know. I know. I, I just couldn't support gay marriage. Too cute. I can do whatever you want. You can do whatever I want. Can you have a [ __ ]? Can you do that? It's personal preference. Really? What's happening? Gay dudes flirt hard, man. Get into the floor just enough you go. No. No, I can't. I can't. It's not me. Oh man, a gay wedding would be [ __ ] fun, dude. Indoor, outdoor. Um, both. Both. The wedding reception, it was like a glass roof with, you know, it had a switch that like we open the roof. You could retract the roof. Oh, that's pretty. Guys, this is an expensive ass wedding. Who paid for this? Not your parents. We'll retract the roof so maybe you can get into heaven. [ __ ] I'm mad. I missed this, dude. Oh, I bet this was so much fun. You guys have kids? Not yet. Not yet. Keep trying. We do. Keep trying.