The Simpsons Season 36 Full Episode | Latest HD Episode of The Simpsons Season 36 (New 2025)

That's it. Stay here. Hey, meat hooks. Hook meat much? [Music] Nelson. Nelson, where are you? [Music]

The killer's lair looks just like my old bedroom. But how? Oh, maybe the killer's on the security footage. No, it can't be. Freeze. What? I can't be the killer. I turned my trauma into healing. Oprah said so. I'm sorry for the Rolio. If the chef cuisine insists on calling it taco Tuesdays, it can't very well serve flout and expect us not to make a fuss.

Hello, Bob. How did you get in here? Well, I knew if I killed enough people in the most gruesome possible ways, they'd send me to your prison. But to get into your cell, I had a little help. Lisa the killer. I never thought you had it in you. The Lisa you knew didn't. But I'm another story. Oh, really? Split personalities. Trope alert. Call the first thought police. Professor Lisa had no idea she was my accomplice. But she's gone now. She was my last victim. Or rather, second to last. The pen ultimate. [Music]

Simpson. No eating in the turbine room. Since when? The nanny state wins again. No tanning in the reactor car. No texting while driving and eating ribs. Can't even trim your hedges with a machine gun. When did everyone get so scared? The world would be fine if people just use common sense like me. Jailbreak. [Music] [Music]

Oh man. Oh man. Homer one, nanny state zero. [Music] Stupid radioactive garbage donut mutating my DNA while I sleep. Hey, who stole my Flander's newspaper? Sorry about that, Home Marino, but I I whited out the crossroad after I did it, so you could enjoy it, too. Better from the chimney than a furnace, am I right? So, you see, there's nothing in the Bible that says a pastor and his wife can't take separate vacations. [Music] Daddy, are you being tickled by the Holy Spirit? [Music] I've been neighbored into home diddly. And why am I in church when football is on? [Music] Kiss my ass, Churchillos. I fed, I fought, and I've never felt stuck to your baby. You little Uh, a mysterious affliction has descended upon Springfield. Citizens of every age, race, and catchphrase are mysteriously transforming into bald pear-shaped dupai. Donut stew has diabetes type two. No is stupid. Somebody put on wrestling. Do all these burping baldos remind you of anyone? I'd know that butt scratch anywhere. Everyone's turning into dad. [Music]

Uh, children, your father's less than stellar genetic code is spreading through burporn transmission. If we're going to cure this virus, we need his DNA. You three are the only ones impervious to the virus. You have got to find it. It is 11:30 in the morning. [Music] Dear Moira, have you seen our dad? No, just these hundreds of silly versions of them, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I mean, I'm printing money over here. Coming right up, Santa's little Homer. Real Dad wasn't at the bowling alley, the candy store, or mocking the hippos at the zoo. Wait, Dad ate a bucket of this chicken last night. When that happens, where does he always spend the next day? I'll be out in a minute. Um, is this really the most convenient bathroom for your father? It's the closest one mom will let him use. Dad, we need you to save the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you believe some idiot left his perfectly good back scratcher in there? Look, it goes the way down. What? Now you'll just board the prankopter. We're not calling it that. Mhm. And then we'll pop your DNA into the frink tabulizer. We're not calling it that. Oh, for like chy mice and everything will go back to the way it was. Wait, hold on. Why would I want that? Finally, everyone thinks the way I do. Nobody's making up stupid rules about bicycle helmets or where you can smoke cigars. Want to drive without a seat belt, FaceTime while jaywalking, enjoy a sugary soda? Go ahead. You're not hurting anyone. It's a utopia. No, I'm Metopia. Yes. Well, you don't really want everyone to be like you. Earthshattering reveal. [Music]

When did insurance commercials get so funny, Marge? Cooperating with us is the only way to get your wife back to normal. You've never looked more beautiful. Scooch over, gorgeous. When we get home, let you and I pump muzzles. Please, please, if we don't have some competent people left to run things, society will collapse. Coders to run the internet that feed you the latest misinformation. Pilots to fly the planes you need to be restrained on. I mean, a world without experts. The speaker ever shut up. Good one, Mim Marge. Well, you leave me no choice. I'm calling in a nuclear air strike to obliterate all the home Springfielders, including very sadly the touring company of Kinky Boots. Obliterating in three, two. Hey, you know what? You need a nice relaxing scratch on the back. No, no. Oh, a lifetime of study and education down the This must be just like living in Paris. [Music]

Now for the only thing better than Dove, free Dove stuff. Oh yeah. Now, who wants beer cozies? A shirt that says, "Yo, sassy seat cushions and flash drives for your PC so you can take your data and back it up." And now, Duff Man has a dinner date with his estranged daughter. Must not bring up why she dropped out of college. It's too sad. [Music] Guess what company had a giveaway at most last night. No, I won't. Keep guessing. What you say, boy? Responsibly. Oh, kid. You've been staring at these gelatin desserts for 15 minutes. Pick one. It's so hard to decide. Is the yellow one lemon or pineapple? It's your pet canary. Now scram. Hey, you're a spaz. That's not true. First of all, Milhouse fell because you tripped him. Secondly, spaz is short for deplegic. Someone who suffers from a serious medical condition. Thirdly, your haha through overuse has lost its power. Wow. I bow before your logic. Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice how logically you argue. Well, I am one flattered and two intrigued. Lisa Simpson. Miss Dubinsky, I'd like to invite you to join our debate team. I didn't know we had a debate team. Well, it's the one extracurricular activity that can't be cut because it requires no equipment. We're low on funding, so Ralph Wiggum will be standing in as your lectern. I'm a furniture. [Music] And that is why hybrid car buyers should be given rebates paid for by taxes on hamburgers. Thank you, Lisa. Excuse me. The podiums are needed in the art room as easels. Yay. Megan, cross-examination. What if someone's driving an old but functioning car? Wouldn't the carbon required to create a new hybrid exceed the savings in gas? Initially, yes. But and isn't most electricity in the United States ultimately derived from the burning of coal? Currently, however, solar and wind are the sun and the breeze, the two things you know a lot about, right, Blondie? Blondie, like totally, why don't we get a in the perm with daddy's credit card? [Applause] First of all, my father no longer has any functioning credit cards. Secondly, how dare you refer me? Oo, you can count to two. You need some ice on your head? I I the winner by a hair a brown hair. Megan, sir, that hollow mountain in Nevada that was supposed to hold a million years of nuclear waste is full. Did they jump on the pile to smoosh it down? It went down in one place and up in another. We need somewhere else to dispose of this plutonium. Yeah, just find the biggest idiot on our payroll and slip it in his bag. [Music] That's a bingo. M good mac and cheese. I've had better down at the train station. I'll have to check it out sometime. Now, the best mac and cheese I've ever had is at a bowling alley in Ogdenville. I am pretty full. Breadcrumbs on the top. I'm on my way. That bag. Surely it's attended. Unattended bag. [Music] Panic. [Applause] [Music] So, what do you think? I think we're going to blow it up and let the bleeding hard liberals ask questions later. Well, now why can't it be blown up by a woman of color? Five. Four. No time for a full countdown. It's dinner time. [Music]

This just in. The suspicious bag detonated at Springfield Union Station today contained deadly plutonium, which can only mean one thing. A terrorist plot. Enough radioactivity was released to create 17 Hulks and a Spider-Man. Here is an artist's conception. quite disturbing. I admit it. Everything I've said about terrorism till now was fear-mongering. But today, I monger the truth. To protect our city from all future bombings, dirty, clean, dive, or carpet. We have hired an outside consultant from London, England. Does he have a cute accent? Why don't you be the judge, young lady? Oo, he sounds just like Paddington Bear. My name is Nigel Baker Butcher. Sleepy London town. Once upon a time, the only problem we had here was from overzealous cogn flower sellers. Flowers. Hello. Hello. But in London of the 21st century, the watchword is vigilance. London is now ringed by the most comprehensive array of surveillance cameras mankind has ever seen. [Music] Excuse me. Is this what the framers of the Constitution would want? Well, I'm Wall-E of Wallally's framers, and this is exactly what I want. How many personal freedoms are we willing to give up in the name of security? That blonde girl thinks she's smart like us dark hairs again with the blonde. Why in the world would the color of the hair on someone's head have anything to do with the intelligence within? Yeah, you're so right. I'm smart, too. I got Joe to promise to leave his wife when I turn 50. Hey, yes. Now, all in favor of these cameras, say cheese. Cheese. Those opposed say I hate America. Oh. Motion carries. Next up, motion to limit terms of city officials. All in favor say I have sex with animals. I do have sex with animals, but I am not in favor of term limits. Mhm. Lisa, I know kids have been making fun of your blonde hair, so I got you this book from the being different section of the bookstore. H Sally Circle was eating donuts in Ovaltine when her father came in with terrible news. We're moving to Rectanguland. Round up the family and let's roll. Everyone was mean to Sally. She was too well-rounded. She felt cornered. They wouldn't let her play four square or invite her to the box. social. The end. That's a rather unambitious book. I want a camera on every light pole. I want two hidden cameras there. Open camera there. Hidden. Hidden. Hidden. Hidden. Cluster. Right there. Yes. Um, you ain't going to like what you see. Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't make ice? She lost the recipe. You know why it takes longer to build a blonde snowman? You have to hollow out the head. [Laughter] He sure nailed you, Lee. You're blonde, too. Blonde guys aren't dumb. They're evil. Like in The Karate Kid in World War II. All right, boys. Let's see the dark underbelly of our fair. [Music]

Okay, we got a litter bug on F6. Double homicide in progress on Q20. Woman sunbathing topless in R15. Uh, chief, I think we got a misuse of police equipment on ZZ99. Killjoy. Gas station customer washing windshield without buying gas. Girl using white out as nail polish. Oh man, this is hard. Hey, did you get that guy who was parading around naked? He was just jogging in a tan sweatuit. Chief, are you sure? I thought I saw his That was a fanny pack worn on the front. But there was a water leaking. That's it. That's it. Can't take another minute of these stupid screens. Go find some concerned citizens to pick up the slack. Well, how many should I get? Uh, well, we've got eight chairs, so Oh, no, wait. Put one chair in my office facing my desk so I'll seem like a meetings guy. Yeah. Uh oh. Have a seat. Uh I'll be with you in one minute. Yeah. It's a new low. We have chosen you to help out because you are all that rare combination. Prying but not pervy. Now just follow a little formula called PB and J. Peer at the monitor, be judgmental, and jot it down. One way to remember that is ABC. Always be considering PB and J. But the single most important rule is the 4 A's. Always act according to ABC. Uhoh. What is it, Ned? I got two teens in a public park going at it like a couple of gibbons in the backseat of Noah's Ark. Should we inform the chief? Maybe, but I feel a little like I'm the Tom Voyer to these huckleberry sinners. Or you could correct the behavior yourself with our Naga Sonic speakers. O snogging people. What the hell was that? Tongues where I could see them, please. I ain't letting you touch me with somebody watching. Come on, baby. It's just a voice. Don't push it, Carney. I'm Jimbo. Oh, great. Make me look easy in front of the voice. But you are easy. Don't be ashamed of what you are. Sha, I've gone from lucky Lou to talking to. Excuse me. That's your salad fork. That Wi-Fi is for hotel guests only. What's the matter, sir? Too cool to sing happy birthday. Isn't this great, Marge? We're like Jiminy Cricket for the whole ding-dang town. A half man, half bug that knows what's best for everybody. Mhm. I don't know. I'm starting to think we're prying too much into people's lives. And this room isn't really the best place for Maggie to hang out. That's not Sesame Street. That's a gay bar. Although I guess this wood teacher is sharing and caring. But we're going home. [Music] Die, die, die. [Music]

Tomorrow's forecast is okay. Place your bets. Partly cloudy, partly sunny, golf ball sized tail. A chance of severe thunderstorms with golf ballsized hail. Woohoo. I spy with my electronic eye illegal wagering. Hey, weren't these cameras installed to keep America's enemies from blowing up our homeland? Well, sir, how many times have you been blown up since the cameras went in? Zero times. Mhm. Now I'm going to go till you give the money back. [Music] All right. All right. I'm going home. It's not safe in here. Don't use that dog as a ramp. Less radical. Less radical. Stop blaming that cube. So, you like to watch, huh? Well, take a look at this. Huh? But Tushy. Whoa. A blind spot. Boy cheeks. Fanny. Derriè. Honey backside. Cover up that coin slot. Hey boy. What you doing? experimenting with my butt. My little Einstein. [Music]

Welcome to Chaos Corners, the pleasure patch. Satan's triangle. The one place in town no cameras can see you and no laws can touch you. Oh yeah, that stopped the kicking. Inspiration point. Looks pretty uninspired. Almost quiet in Murder Town. Yep, Springfield is cleaner than the Lord's hand towels. Sour ball, take me away. [Music] Another tie followed by three hours of parachute repacking. Karoo, a phony bird call. That means Marge is coming. Everyone act legal. Homer, Maggie has to wear that clown mask for Halloween. What's going on? Well, uh, the one place the cameras can't see is right here in our backyard, so I'm charging people to do whatever they want. Isn't that wonderful? I don't see what's so wonderful. Remember how you wanted me to get that expensive operation? Well, now I can afford a motorcycle. Ever hear of the expression not in my backyard? Well, that nothing. Nothing. Something. I don't want to get Homer in trouble, but it's just plain wrong to use that blind spot to turn our backyard into a mecca of misdemeanors. Blind spot. Mecca. Rod, hold up daddy's shaving mirror out the window, would you? [Applause] I see you now. Rod, you and Todd stay in the house. Todd's not in the house. No. [Music] And that's why school uniforms should not be mandatory. Lisa, rebuttal. [Music] Dressing in uniforms is a good thing. If everyone looks the same, it levels the playing field. Well, very smart. That's well reasoned. A true brunette. It's better to just fit in with the crowd. She's as bright as her hair is star. I can't go on. This rebuttal is a sham. You aren't being persuaded by the content of my argument. You're being convinced by the color of my hair. That's absurd. Although her brown hair makes a persuasive case. Well, guess what? I am not a brunette. I'm a blonde. Roots. We must rid ourselves of these outdated cliches. Not all blondes are dumb. Not all fat people are jolly. Would you be jolly if you thought Comic-Con was moving to Anaheim, and not all old people are bad drivers. This building cut me off. Who wants feet steak? De meet those feet. Oh no, I don't have to listen to you. If I'm not on camera, you can't see me. I'm standing right here. Everyone in this town is sick and tired of you looking over their shoulder. Don't leave your sprinklers on in the rain. Don't burn that pile of ventriloquist dummies. Oh, but you promised. Later. Later. But neighbor, why did you have to do this? I've tattled this town into a paradise. This used to be just a little part of me. You see, Ned, your citywide nagging compressed all of our town's misbehavior into one small place, creating a glittering diamond of super evil. Guess I did create this like God created the devil. God created a devil. Finally, he did something cool. Oh, I never wanted to turn into big brother. I just wanted to be little sister tattling on everyone so the town would be a nicer place. Well, if you ask me, you were trying to play God. Well, that's the worst sin of all for some reason. What can I do to make things right? You can help me take out those cameras. Neighbor, we got some work to do. [Music] [Applause] [Music]

So sadly, the most popular reality show in England is no more. I will miss that. Ralph Wigum reminds me of my boy. Oh, mommy, my cat's breath smells like cat food. [Music] You're watching the Learning Network, where minds grow. Stay tuned for Apocalypse Week, Ebola Meteor, Nukes of Hazard, Jesus Christ Supertorrm. But first, Nostradamus, the man who saw the future. The following film made in 1982 was thought to be lost forever. Actually, it was misplaced in a box for the comedy Dr. Detroit, but its predictions are more terrifying than ever. Hello, I'm Horson Wells, director of Citizen Canain. Boring. As well as the lower lefthand square on Hollywood Squares. Oo, right next to Ruth Buzzy. In 1555, the prophet Nostradamus foretold a terrifying series of predictions, all of which came to pass. First, his own death. Second, large wars in Europe, similar to the large wars he observed in Europe and the breakup of Fleetwood Mack. But Nostradamus' final quattrain contained one more prediction yet to come. But shortly after the antichrist becomes president, a flaming mushroom spreads across the sky. The champagne is terrible. Tastes like drier sheets. But what does said mushroom signify? Nothing less than World War II. Who'd fall for this? Malarkey. Smithers. I'm scared. Release the comforting hounds. Oh, excellent. Now make them into rugs. Anyone left alive will surely find themselves envying. Who? Who could we possibly envy? The dead. Smithers. The end is nigh and we must prepare. Round up this town's greatest minds. Should I order pizza? One large cheese double cut. [Music]

Attention fellow members of the Springfield chapter of Mensah. Mr. Burns has called us here to solve an unknown problem of global importance. But first, try. I say we write and solve our own acrostics. Yes. After we recite all the words in the Declaration of Independence in alphabetical order. A a [Music] silence you think. I summoned you here because the world is about to end. No, it isn't. What are you afraid of? Global warming? AI? Some sort of plague? The smarty pantalones, I am asking you to help with the Montgomery Burns doomsday arc. This space vehicle will lead humanity's best and brightest to a better life under my stern rule. Heaven. Will there be someone for your more personal needs? Concubines. Many concubines. I'll work my way in. I need you to tell me who is worthy of surviving the apocalypse with me. I only want the sharpest razors in this town's Halloween candy. Oh, don't worry, Mr. Burns. This is what Mensah does best. Make everyone else feel stupid. The only word in English with three consecutive double letters is um gooseberry. No, coffee. Coffee. Oo. Uh, ballooning. Bookkeeper. Damn it. It's simple. All we need to do is give everyone in town an IQ test. The highest scores get on the ark. Mensa members grandfathered in. Grandfathered. Not so fast. Being intelligent people, I am quite sure that you will take this well. IQ's are meaningless. I have the ultimate test that measures something far more significant. Your overall worth as a human. Impossible. Intelligence is the only quotient that tells you how important you are. Ask any of us who did well on a test we took when we were six. Well, you may be the brightest, but you are not the best. Your worthiness as a human being is best measured, people, by the personal value quotient. That's PVQ. You go. All right, enough with the pelting and the voning and the compass in my neck. Jarvik, in order to diffuse your obvious hostilities, I will make my presentation entertaining. All right, with a one and a two and a 3.14159. Forgive me if it seems like I'm attacking, but I find the old IQ test badly lacking. If you want to find out just what someone can do, you need to learn that subjects P VQ. Get tests for sympathy and empathy and group collaboration. Artistry and neatness and complex socialization and every single aspect of

a personality. Hey PVQ. Is that okay with me? It tests for sarcasm and prudence. Not if you're Isaac Newton.

confidence, ambition, and the teams for whom you're rooting. So, it's all the little foibless that can make a person whole. Just the PVQ, the yard stick for the soul. [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Now, people, you're all geniuses. You can see this is no art. Emotional intelligence is needed for the art. [Music] [Applause] [Music]

You mean earnestness and ego and if they make a mean burrito and the social grace to know when not to wear a speedo. Every trait that integrates a winning personality. Yes, the PVQ is what we'll do to find out who will see us through. Yes, the PQ is a [Music] me. [Music] Anyone have a song in rebuttal? You got to have Boulderdash. We're going with this man's test. Oh, wonderful.

to determine who is worthy of a seat on my ark. Uh, but sir, how do we get everyone in town to take a test without telling them what it's about? Mandatory test. Mandatory test. Mandatory for everyone not ringing a bell. What's the point of this test again? The way I look at it, the more things secret corporations know about us, the better. Huh? I like when drones show up bringing me things I needed but didn't know. Huh? Well, I am out of deodorant. We all knew. Remove all stray marks. Number two, pencil only. And for God's sake, relax. This question asked about the price of underwear as if I were some landed aristocrat. Hey, can I copy off you? Be my fist. Day is tonight as early as late. Booyah. Booyah. Booyah. The one test. I don't bring my ear muffs.

The results are in. The newest and most accurate measure of our intelligence on a scale from 1 to 500. 500 being best. Boring. Don't shut it off. I need my score. Thank you. Now, we'll run everyone's scores past the screen really fast from best to worst, trusting that you'll pause at only your name. Pause it. 475. My sweet spot. Excellent. But room to improve. What? I am one below Ralph. Ralph? It doesn't mean Ralph's smarter than you. It just means he's a more valuable person. Ralph, keep scrolling. 311. Above average, but not enough to make people mad. And it's the number you call to complain about potholes. Woo! H Simpson 265. Exactly the number of days in a year. Well, that's good. Let's change the channel. But we don't know your score. Like I said, that's good. Not there. Not there. Not there. [Music] [Music] I don't need any test. I'm street smart. [Music]

I refuse to accept that my little guy has no future. He could learn how to put in adding machine tape. That's how I got through the depression and letting the FBI know which bugle boys were about to turn buggy wiggy. We're not giving up on Bart. And I'm not giving up on you, Homer. What? You're still trying? In what way? My will is 38 pages of me yelling at you. I'm in the will. Charles, listen to me. Charles, now Satan, I'm not Satan. I'm Orson Wells. Satan would sell wine before it's time. Yes. Now, have you taken my warning seriously? Oh, but he did. I've already started the ark. Very good. Now, I must go. God commissioned me to direct a rainbow, and I've spent half my budget on Indigo. The only answer is to play Red myself. Smithers, speed up production on the Ark. Put everyone on it. Ply them with all the rum and salt it takes. [Music] There's no nap like a scaffold, man. Hey, what do you think we're building anyway? I'm betting it's a new Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Maybe this one will keep somebody out. How can Ralph score higher than me? That test is wrong. But all my self-esteem comes from tests. Should I really be pulling on this string? I am not worse than Ralph. [Music] Hi, Ralph. Hi, Ralph. Hi, Ralph. Hi, Ralph. I miss the string through my ears. All right, Thisa, watch. Do not judge. What makes him superior? [Music] I'm okay. You have reached the Wigum residence. If Ralph is stuck in something, press one. If something is stuck in Ralph, press two. If this is Ralph, Daddy is not in the phone. Do not open the phone looking for me. What are you doing? The only thing I'm good at. Nothing. That tears it. We're going to see Professor Frank and find out exactly what happened on that test. Got a little present for you, Bart. It's called the Bible for the slow. He's not going to take it. Oky doy. Professor Frank, your stupid test ruined my son's life. Hey, that test is like a son to me. I raised it from a quiz. I've known my son since he was born, and he's not anywhere near as stupid as your stupid test says he is. And if you think so, you're stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Wow, Mark, you really love Bart. All right. All right. Let me recheck it. Uh, rechecking. Rechecking. Put upon sigh. Hi, Vic. Rechecking. Ah, here we are. Uh, Simpson B. That's not a B. Well, yes it is. You see the two? Oh my Garvik, there was a mistake. Well, your son has above average intelligence. You did it, boy. Now that just looks like a bee. The real unfortunate is H. Simpson. I mean, what a claude. Worst handwriting and brain in town. I'm H. Simpson. Oh, well, it's very nice to meet you. Would you like some water? Smart Water. No. Homie, aren't you coming? I can't. I'll be a laughingtock when everyone finds out I'm the stupidest man in town. How are they going to find out? I just tweeted it. Marge, you have to get ahead of these stories. [Music] I'm sorry, sir. You belong here. Oh. [Music] Look, they'll be true. Do not give Dian too much of the rain. [Music] Why does Oscar skate in his trash can? It makes no sense. [Music] Shear up here. One stupid, please. Okay, you gave me 40. Here's $2 back. Unless you want splash insurance. How much is that? Another 10. Here's 20. And two more for you. [Music] Insurance doesn't cover entryway splashes. Don't. Hey, Homer. Uh, we was watching Jeopardy, but uh, I tell you what, we'll just talk about shapes and colors now. I like blue rectangles. Rectangles? You know, Homer, the ones with four sides. Listen, you. I've known my shape since I was 16. Put them down, Homer, and I'll give you a cookie. That's a coaster. Woo! Dummies wisen up. I'll take the cookie. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm too depressed for Mo. Hey, I'm sorry. I know I'm taking up too much of the bed. Oh, sweetie. What the entire world thinks doesn't affect how I see you. Well, how do you see me? The hair and body of a dashing fryer tuck. [Music] But what about my brains? My favorite character in the Wizard of Oz was always the scarecrow. I knew it. Thanks to that test, you see me as stupid first and Homer third. I mean second. I know second. I won't let you give up. We're going to start improving you. Oh, Marge. No one ever did anything useful after the age of 39. George W. Bush sobered up and became president. Two huge mistakes. Only this whole mixup happened because of your sloppy handwriting. We'll start with that. Improving your handwriting. Right now, my hand just wants to crawl in my pocket and cry. Now, this hand is jealous. I know where this is going. Um, I do too, but you say it first. snuggling. What is his secret? It is his secret. I'm going to Disneyland. [Music] Want to see me do a cartwheel? No, no, no, no. Good point. On the other hand, don't worry, Lou. I've seen that in cartoons. Sweet Pea, Mr. Mcoo, they were fine. What about Sylvester the cat? Never be a cat in a cartoon, Lou. Never. [Music] The beam must have a fulcrum I can move to that would stabilize a thick piece of thing. [Music] [Applause] Two for two. Young man, didn't I tell you to sit and stay in that house? I thought you were talking to the dog. We don't have a dog. Then what's been pooping in my bedroom? Professor, how on earth did he get a higher score than me? Okay, Lisa, I am going to give you 10 more points for one of the most important skills of all. discovering huge flaws in my test without telling anyone. You mean after all this, after all I've gone through, you're just going to fudge my score and I should be happy. Well, after all, that's how I got into uh Oh, I can't say it. The lowest of the Ivy's. Oh, God, help me. Carell. Carell. God, it's okay. You're fine. Oh, okay. Buckle up because there's no limit to how neat your handwriting can get. Marge, I don't know. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. [Music] [Music] Dearest Marjorie, what words are adequate to describe your beauty? Like a bowling ball fresh out of a polisher? Oh, I've always dreamed homie would write me cursive love letters. You are as beautiful as your sisters are hideous. Oh, I'm married to a rider. I really am. Welcome all of you. You are the chosen people. Chosen to be my slaves. I am no one's slave. Doesn't matter what you think. The doors are sealed. Not this one. Wait, wait. You haven't heard about the retirement plan? There isn't one. Fine. I don't need them. I don't need anyone. Oh, why did you have me go back for your slippers? How could you turn on me so quickly? If we'd ever won a trophy, I would have turned the heck out of it. I can't believe you're retiring, sir. Martin, I must ask you to keep secret what you just heard. The shocking news that I'm retiring. Sir, you are addressing a student safety monitor. With diagonal belt comes great responsibility. I've got a secret. Firsties, [Music] what? Skinner's quitting. I won the pool. Guess who's renting two songs from iTunes. Skinner's retiring. Bombardment. He will be missed. Bombardment. He stood up for me when they tried to ban bombardment. Bombardment. My fellow Americans and Hooter, the rumors are true. I'm resigning the principal se effective taco Tuesday. Seymour, you will be missed. And now the flyover by the permission slip angels. Ow, my distance vision eye. Skinner leaving. One last chance to honor him with a shot to the head. [Music] Oh, move it. Come on, Bert. Take the shot. I don't have the damn shot. And now, in honor of our principal's retirement, we'll have a performance from a super talent who's going to wrap up our feelings. I can't believe this is goodbye. You are like a mommy who wears a tie. You once called man who put me in a net. You always told me when I was wet. They said I had to wait 2 years to do karate, even though my friend who is the same age is in the class. Karate. There's a certain lack of elegance in rhyming karate with karate. Karate. Now, I'll share a fond farewell with one student chosen at random to represent you all. Bart Simpson. There is a god and his name is the devil. Bart, come forward. In the words of the late David Bowie, Nay Jones, cha changes. All rights reserved. Ziggy's artist publishing. Gotcha. No. Got you. Now, Willie, the honey. Simpson. I'm not retiring. This was all just a prank on you. Leave him alone. Where do I go? How do I live this down? Mom, my humiliation bath is getting cold. Hold still. You've got honey in your pits. Sticky. Bombardment. Oh, Nelson by Largo. I'll get them back. I'll get them all back and that'll be the end of it forever. Not good enough. [Laughter] What are you going to do, Bart? Wait, wait, wait. Don't tell me. I'll have nightmares. Like the one where I'm wearing my pajamas during the daytime. You are wearing your pajamas. Someday I want to be a race car driver. Do you know how many get killed? They don't show that on the pajamas. [Music] Pranking Bart was my Sergeant Peppers after a lifetime of back off Bugaloos. What the Simpson my skin. [Applause] [Music] Hey Rain, these woods is filled with scary white people. What else is new? Bait the traps. Mama needs a new people coat. Thanks to one vengeful prankster, clowns, once a source of delight, have now become more twisted than the balloon animals they wrap their creepy hands around. We only hope that by showing it on TV, no one goes out and copies it. Now, let's tell you how it's done. Send your copycat videos to Kent's Crazy Clown Carnival of Cartoon Carnage. [Music] Oh no. No. Now people have to judge us by our music. We're doomed. 20 seconds to air. How many times have I told you not to wake me till it's 2 seconds to air? Crusty, I have to warn you. People's attitudes have changed about Hey. Hey, kids. Calm down, children. I'm here. The shirtless man with a bone through his skull and a grass skirt with nothing down under. I tried to warn you. People hate clowns now and the advertisers want to meet with you. What is it with Bart and these pranks? I don't get it. I don't know. Boys will be boys. That's another thing I don't get. What does that mean? Spoons will be spoons, but they don't make you go to juvenile court at 8:00 in the morning. Yo, if we hurry, we can get those breakfast burritos they serve at the courthouse. Those aren't good. Marge Children's Quart of Springfield is now in session. Apologies. Divorce Dad. No sitter. That must be really tough, judge. I raised a turtle by myself. Pure hell. Milhouse said he'd help and he just walked away. Let me look at your file, son. Your honor, I can save you some time. I've done it all. Juvie, stay juvie, groovy, juvie, the monosuri prison. Outward and inwardbound. So, you're down to fry me or free me? What can I say? I'm a little dickens. [Music] Well, Bart, based on the ancient judicial principle, boys will be boys. Mhm. I'm going to hand down a suspended March. For once, let us get rich people justice. No, judge. I love my son, but he's got a real problem. He needs to learn the meaning of consequences. Bart, I sentence you to 28 days at the Tomorrow's New Horizon's Addiction Rehab Center and General Rotten Time Ranch. Mom, how could you do that to me? Yeah, Mom. Because I love you. Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice how logically you argue. Well, I am one flattered and two intrigued. Lisa Simpson. Miss Dubinsky, I'd like to invite you to join our debate team. I didn't know we had a debate team. Well, it's the one extracurricular activity that can't be cut because it requires no equipment. We're low on funding, so Ralph Wigum will be standing in as your lectern. I'm a furniture. [Music] And that is why hybrid car buyers should be given rebates paid for by taxes on hamburgers. Thank you, Lisa. Excuse me. The podiums are needed in the art room as easels. Yay. Megan, cross-examination. What if someone's driving an old but functioning car? Wouldn't the carbon required to create a new hybrid exceed the savings in gas? Initially, yes. But and isn't most electricity in the United States ultimately derived from the burning of coal? Currently, however, solar and wind are the sun and the breeze, the two things you know a lot about, right, Blondie? Blondie, like totally, why don't we get a and a perm with daddy's credit card? First of all, my father no longer has any functioning credit cards. Secondly, how dare you refer? Oo, you can count to two. You need some ice on your head? I I the winner by a hair a brown hair. Megan, sir, that hollow mountain in Nevada that was supposed to hold a million years of nuclear waste is full. Did they jump on the pile to smoosh it down? It went down in one place and up in another. We need somewhere else to dispose of this plutonium. Yeah, just find the biggest idiot on our payroll and slip it in his bag. [Music] Oo, that's a bingo. M good mac and cheese. I've had better down at the train station. I'll have to check it out sometime. Now, the best mac and cheese I've ever had is at a bowling alley in Ogdenville. I am pretty full. Breadcrumbs on the top. I'm on my way. That bag. Surely it's attended. Unattended bag. [Music] Panic. [Applause] [Music] So, what do you think? I think we're going to blow it up and let the bleeding hard liberals ask questions later. Well, now why can't it be blown up by a woman of color? Five. Four. No time for a full countdown. It's dinner time. [Music] This just in. The suspicious bag detonated at Springfield Union Station today contained deadly plutonium, which can only mean one thing. A terrorist plot. Enough radio activity was released to create 17 Hulks and a Spider-Man. Here's an artist's conception. quite disturbing. I admit it. Everything I've said about terrorism till now was fear-mongering. But today, I monger the truth. To protect our city from all future bombings, dirty, clean, dive, or carpet. We have hired an outside consultant from London, England. Does he have a cute accent? Why don't you be the judge, young lady? Oo, he sounds just like Paddington Bear. My name is Nigel Baker Butcher. Sleepy London town. Once upon a time, the only problem we had here was from overzealous cockner near flower sellers. Flowers come from hello. But in London of the 21st century, the watch word is vigilance. London is now ringed by the most comprehensive array of surveillance cameras mankind has ever seen. [Music] Excuse me. Is this what the framers of the Constitution would want? Well, I'm Wall-E of Wallally's Framers, and this is exactly what I want. How many personal freedoms are we willing to give up in the name of security? That blonde girl thinks she's smart like us dark hairs again with the blonde. Why in the world would the color of the hair on someone's head have anything to do with the intelligence within? Yeah, you're so right. I'm smart, too. I got Joe to promise to leave his wife when I turn 50. Hey, yes. Now, all in favor of these cameras, say cheese. Cheese. Those opposed say I hate America. Motion carries. Next up, motion to limit terms of city officials. All in favor say I have sex with animals. I do have sex with animals, but I am not in favor of term limits. Mhm. Lisa, I know kids have been making fun of your blonde hair, so I got you this book from the being different section of the bookstore. Huh? Sally Circle was eating donuts in Ovaltine when her father came in with terrible news. We're moving to Rectangular Land. Round up the family and let's roll. Everyone was mean to Sally. She was too well-rounded. She felt cornered. They wouldn't let her play for square or invite her to the box social. The end. That's a rather unambitious book. I want a camera on every light pole. I want two hidden cameras there. Open camera there. Hidden. Hidden. Hidden. Hidden. Cluster right there. Yes. Um, you ain't going to like what you see. Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't make ice? She lost the recipe. You know why it takes longer to build a blonde snowman? You have to hollow out the head. He sure nailed you, Lee. You're blonde, too. Blonde guys aren't dumb. They're evil. Like in The Karate Kid in World War II. All right, boys. Let's see the dark underbelly of our Fairberg. [Music] Okay, we got a litter bug on F6. Double homicide in progress on Q20. Woman sunbathing topless in R15. Uh, chief, I think we got a misuse of police equipment on ZZ99. Killjoy. Gas station customer washing windshield without buying gas. Girl using white out as nail polish. Oh man, this is hard. Hey, did you get that guy who was parading around naked? He was just jogging in a tan sweatuit. Chief, are you sure? I thought I saw his That was a fanny pack worn on the front. But there was a water bottle leaking. That's it. That's it. Can't take another minute of these stupid screens. Go find some concerned citizens to pick up the slack. Well, how many should I get? Uh, well, we've got eight chairs, so Oh, no, wait. Put one chair in my office facing my desk. So, so I'll seem like a meetings guy. Yeah. Oh, have a seat. Uh, I'll be with you in one minute. Yeah, the new low. We have chosen you to help out because you are all that rare combination. Prying but not pervy. Now, just follow a little formula called PB and J. Peer at the monitor, be judgmental, and jot it down. And one way to remember that is ABC. Always be considering PB and J. But the single most important rule is the 4 A's. Always act according to ABC. Uh-oh. What is it, man? I got two teens in a public park going at it like a couple of gibbons in the backseat of Noah's Ark. Should we inform the chief? Maybe. But I feel a little like I'm the Tom Voyer to these huckleberry sinners. Or you could correct the behavior yourself with our nagaic speakers. O snogging people. What the hell was that? Tongues where I can see them, please. I ain't letting you touch me with somebody watching. Come on, baby. It's just a voice. Don't push it, Carney. I'm Jimbo. Oh, great. Make me look easy in front of the voice. But you are easy. Don't be ashamed of what you are. Shauna, I've gone from lucky Lou to talkie to Excuse me.

That's your salad fork. That Wi-Fi is for hotel guests only. What's the matter, sir? Too cool to sing happy birthday?

Isn't this great, Marge? We're like Jiminy Cricket for the whole ding-dang town. A half man, half bug that knows what's best for everybody. Mhm. I don't know. I'm starting to think we're prying too much into people's lives. And this room isn't really the best place for Maggie to hang out. That's not Sesame Street. That's a gay bar. Although I guess this would teacher sharing and caring, but we're going home.

[Music] Die, die, die.

[Music] Tomorrow's forecast is okay. Place your bets. Partly cloudy, partly sunny, golf ball sized tail. A chance of severe thunderstorms with golf ballsized hail. Woohoo. I spy with my electronic eye illegal wagering. Hey, weren't these cameras installed to keep America's enemies from blowing up our homeland? Well, sir, how many times have you been blown up since the cameras went in? Zero times. Mhm. Now I'm going to go to you. Give the money back.

[Music] All right. All right. I'm going home. It's not safe in here. Don't use that dog as a ramp. Less radical. Less radical. Stop blaming that cube. So, you like to watch, huh? Well, take a look at this. Huh? But trushy. M. Whoa. A blind spot. Boy cheeks. Fanny. Derriè. Honey backside. Cover up that coin slot. Hey boy. What you doing? Experimenting with my butt. My little Einstein.

[Music] Welcome to Chaos Corners, the pleasure patch. Satan's triangle. The one place in town no cameras can see you and no laws can touch you. Oh yeah, that stopped the kicking. Inspiration point looks pretty uninspired. Almost quiet murder town. Yep. Springfield is cleaner than the Lord's hand towels. Sour ball, take me away.

[Music] Another tie followed by three hours of parachute repacking. A phony bird call. That means Marge is coming. Everyone act legal. Homer, Maggie has to wear that clown mask for Halloween. What's going on? Well, uh, the one place the chemist can't see is right here at our backyard. So, I'm charging people to do whatever they want. Isn't that wonderful? I don't see what's so wonderful. Remember how you wanted me to get that expensive operation? Well, now I can afford a motorcycle. Ever hear of the expression, not in my backyard? Well, that nothing. Nothing. Something. I don't want to get Homer in trouble, but it's just plain wrong to use that blind spot to turn our backyard into a mecca of misdemeanors. Blind spot. Mecca, Rod, hold up daddy's shaving mirror out the window, would you?

[Applause] I see you now. Rod, you and Todd stay in the house. Todd's not in the house. No.

[Music] And that's why school uniforms should not be mandatory. Lisa, rebuttal.

[Music] Dressing in uniforms is a good thing. If everyone looks the same, it levels the playing field. Well, very smart. That's well reasoned. A true brunette. It's better to just fit in with the crowd. She's as bright as her hair is star. Oh, I can't go on. This rebuttal is a sham. You aren't being persuaded by the content of my argument. You're being convinced by the color of my hair. That's absurd. Although her brown hair makes a persuasive case. Well, guess what? I am not a brunette. I'm a blonde. Oh, roots. We must rid ourselves of these outdated cliches. Not all blondes are dumb. Not all fat people are jolly. Would you be jolly if you thought Comic-Con was moving to Anaheim? And not all old people are bad drivers. This building cut me off. Who wants feet stick? Be meet those feet. Oh no. I don't have to listen to you. If I'm not on camera, you can't see me. I'm standing right here. Everyone in this town is sick and tired of you looking over their shoulder. Don't leave your sprinklers on in the rain. Don't burn that pile of ventriloquist, dummies. Oh, but you promise. Later. Later. But neighbor, why did you have to do this? I've tattled this town into a paradise. This used to be just a little part of me. You see, Ned, your citywide nagging compressed all of our town's misbehavior into one small place, creating a glittering diamond of super evil. Guess I did create this like God created the devil. God created the devil. Finally, he did something cool. Oh, I never wanted to turn into big brother. I just wanted to be little sister tattling on everyone so the town would be a nicer place. Well, if you ask me, you were trying to play God. Well, that's the worst sin of all for some reason. What can I do to make things right? You can help me take out those cameras. Neighbor, we got some work to do.

[Music] So sadly the most popular reality show in England is no more. I'll miss that. Ralph Wigum reminds me of my boy. Oh mommy, my cat's breath smells like cat food. Come our celebrity guests, former winners of this very contest and current high-flying Yes, you heard me. I said highf flying. High-flying tech entrepreneurs, Gary, Doug, and Benjamin, who invented Where Did It Go? That's an app that finds the other apps on your phone, enables you to go even with your friend's mobile home. Even one year ago, we were dateless nerds living in our mother's basement. Now, the basement we live in is in a giant mansion, and we own some kind of sports team. All right, calm down. Just calm down. Now, here to support these fine student scholars is the man who loves math. Math? I thought you said math. Drug reference. Seriously, what am I here for? Nobody told you. They send a limo. I get in. It takes me somewhere. Then I watch the news later to see what I did. What a nightmare. That's fair enough. The teams have created introductory videos about themselves. Let's watch them, shall we? with our eyes. Springfield Elementary was originally designed as a storage facility for salt pork. At some later point, it was turned into a school. Jump skiing. On hot days, pork grease still comes out of the walls. Oh, quit your whining. And now, Waverly Hills. Hi, I'm movie genius Michael Bay. I used to be all like, "Math? Who needs that noise? Am I right?" But I wasn't right. The Waverly Hills math team made me realize that quadratic equations are hotter than a million Megan Foxes. Math on. Yo, Waverly Hills, you guys rock. Like my friend The Rock. I know his real first name. It's Dwayne. I win Hollywood. Celebrate now, you stuck up snobs. Yay! But our plucky little school is going to surprise you. We will surprise you all.

[Applause] Well, Lisa, we didn't score a single point. That was surprising. Oh, you'll get him next time, honey. No, we won't. That school is so rich. Every a laptop. Her crying is sadder than a child actor. Where are they now story? It's true. As graduates of Springfield Elementary, we want to give back. We're going to buy every student a tablet computer and upgrade your entire school with the latest cloud-based technology. Oh, I have to take orders from a machine. Oh, it can't speak. But should it ever learn. Yes.

[Music] Will there ever be a technology that teaches stupid children how to ding a dang triangle? This school has spent the last 50 years mired in the 1960s. Let us spend the next 50 mired and now

[Music] And with this ring, we unite these ancient waring clans who frolic unclothed even in winter and bring peace to Decapitita. Hey, cable is awesome. Who knew they had nipples in castle times? You're not supposed to be able to get outside our network. You shouldn't have made your password. What was the name of the street I grew up on? Password drive.

[Music] Seymour, you plugged the servers in with surge protectors, didn't you? Oh, yes. Power strips, you fool. Surge protectors are always power strips, but not vice versa.

[Music] Was that us? No, sir. I like it when it's not us.

[Music] Let's see. Roman numerals for the synthesis. Uh, Roberty Lee. Miss Hoover, are you teaching or are you just saying anything that comes into your head? Miss Hoover, please report to the main office. You just did that in your hand. Ralph Wiggum, put your head down. You're the mouse hand. All right, class. We don't have computers and we don't have keyboards, but that doesn't mean we can't practice our typing. Now, put your index fingers on marshmallows F and J and tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. Nelson, stop that. This is my dinner. I'm eating steak. Need sauce. Great news, children. I found an educational movie I can play on my phone. Crowd in. It's kind of a little phone. Mathematics, agriculture. Are there two more exciting words? Since the time of the Romans, they use scythes to kill each other. The ancient farmer needed tools to measure his land. 10 stick knots right, five left.

[Music] Come to mock old Willie, have you? Willie has to work in the hot sun all day. Willy's best friend is a stick in a string. I'm not here to mock you. Willie doesn't know when someone's being sincere. I'm just here to hang out. What's that device you're using? My rumbly scope. Nothing exciting. Just a measuring stick dating back to the ancient Druids. Oh, could you tell me how it works? Each knot marks the length of a sheep's bladder. The play field is 75 stomachs by 52 kidneys. That's 163 square haguses. Move over metric system. I'm learning the gastric system. Clever. A good news, sir. I've assembled a page on the piglims at Rimth Pac. Well, that's the best we can hope for. Uh, apply the transparent tape. Principal scanner Willie has showed me that losing our technology doesn't have to be the end of our learning. We can turn our school into a Waldorf school. You mean like the hotel? Nope. In elementary school, Waldorf education focuses on hands-on activity and creative play. In secondary education, ah, not our problem. After sixth grade, it's goodbye and good luck. Yes. Yes, it is. Well, it sounds good. But I have one more question. Is it based on the book where you find the guy in the hat? Where's Waldo? That's not even the name. I'm surprised you guys didn't think it was based on the salad. There's a Waldorf salad. Behold Waldorf education in action. We're getting our hands dirty and learning by doing. So, I have to make 360 sloppy joe's, but I only have one pound of hamburger meat. How many cubic feet of styrofoam peanuts should I add? Assuming four peanuts per jaw, 37 cubic feet. Oh, you're a smart little fatso. It says here that students don't have to raise their hands. They should just ask every question that comes to their mind. Oh, why are pine needles pointy? And um um um what's the difference between an asteroid and a meteor? And can you shrug anything other than your shoulders? Does anyone else have any questions? Um, if mommy's purse didn't belong in the microwave, why did it fit? We won't need computers. We won't need books. I learned not to drink out of the creek. You mean this isn't cick water? My daddy raised me and all my 11 dead siblings on cick water. Huh? Everyone wears a hat. Sun hats in the summer, wool hats in the winter. Oo, look at this. Weekly Friday night parents meetings. Oh, wait. There might be a safety hatch. Does the apostrophe come before or after the s on parents? After, which means both parents. Well, I'm not wearing a hat. People might think I'm bald. Before we share announcements and see the results of grade 3's dance study of willows and drooping trees, we greet the day with a school song. Now I have to sing a song. Why did those idiots mix up power strips and surge protectors? All things with a facial feature. Every family is the unit. Sometimes Dilling, sometimes mad, divorced or gay or even foster, even Billy with three dads. I'd feel like Beethoven when Charles Groden finally accepted him as his dog. This school is so great now. Kids learn by doing. If it's so great, why aren't you helping your kids do their homework? Bart's here doing it right now. No, no, no. Not 2/3, 1/2. Now it's one/3 each. Now you're learning. Enjoy. One earthw. Wow. Willy. Willie, they want you to coach our school math team. Oh, I'll have to check with my supervisor. Good to go. So, if Willie gets paid three cents per square foot for seeding and if the field is 2500 square ft, what is Willie getting? I'd say screwed. You're right, you chummers. Uh-oh. Come back here, you will chisel cheat.

[Music] Hey, who threw that egg at the most efficient 45° angle? It was me, sir. Kids, meet your new moth team captain. It's about time. But I'm the captain. Not anymore. I can't see. I can't see.

[Music] Welcome to the long anticipated rematch between Waverly Hills and Springfield.

[Applause] Um, can you tell me which college I should go to? You It's not a sort hat, please. Early applications are due next week. All right. Uh, Miami of Ohio. Oh, okay. Our first question is a tossup. What is the least common multiple of 6, 8, and 60? 48 is correct. Whoa. No one said there'd be math. We said there'd be nothing but play. Oh, not this again. Woohoo. I'm a solution. The action fractions win. You guys might be richer and better looking, but we won a contest to even the series. That'll look great in our trophy case. Willie, build a trophy case. Sir, but you know what we should really thank for our success? Lower standards. Lower standards. You're wonderful, Willie. You and the ancient Scottish scientists that invented the Rumbly Scub. Well, the truth is it wasn't invented for science. Really? Then what for? Oh, it was used for hanging sheep stealers. The we kn kept them alive longer to make the punishment more cruel. Oh, maybe I don't want to know these things. Can you say something nice about Scotland? Well, sometimes the fog comes in and covers

[Music] No.

[Music] Picking up trash. Put it in the bag. Kentucky chicken bucket. Put it in the bag. Making cents an hour in free cigarettes. Oh yeah. You have done a beautiful job, ladies. I think we're ready to move on. Homer, I'm awake. I'm awake. What? Oh, I wish you hadn't done that. Someone adopted this highway. That's so loud. The highway doesn't know it's adopted. But we love it just the same. Well, at least you rented an SUV for this trip. Now I don't have to clean up the mess. I'm starting to get car sick. Quick, stick your head out the window. No, no, no, no. It's a rental. Aim inside and blast away. Anyone want a caramel apple? It's a rental. No thanks. Shave the dog. It's a rental. Thank you. Now, give me candy. What's so funny? You checked this out with half a tank, but now it's three quarters full. I'm calling you Santa cuz you just gifted us one quarter tank. Nobody, and I mean nobody, calls me Santa. What are you doing, Dad? I'm going to burn that quarter tank. Wasting gas while sitting on my ass. It's the American way. Woohoo.

[Music] Amazing, son. Unfortunately, your left foot just grazed the sideline. An incomplete pass. Dad, I've got to pee. Huh? Huh? I know it's a rental, but I'd rather go in the woods. Maybe I should come with you. Dad, come on. I'm 10 years old. I can pee by myself. It's easy. You just shake it when you're through. You do what now? Sketch what you see. Ah, where are you? What is it? I don't know, but I can't shoot. It looks like it's pregnant. Let's wait till they're born and then we'll shoot them all. Where the heck were you? Where's Bart? Okay, this is the hardest news in the world for a mother to hear. Just ease her into it. Um, you know that sewing room you wanted, but we could never figure out where. Oh my god. Oh my god. What? My special little guy. Don't worry, Lou. There's one thing I've mastered. It's consoling distraught parents. Ma'am. Ma'am, can you describe your son's skeleton? He's incompetent. Look, look, your boy's going to be fine. Now, we laid out a grid and have search teams fanning out over the forest. I'm sorry, but uh because of the grid, we have to suspend the search and bring in some ambulances.

[Music] Where is my son? Where am I?

[Music] Welcome to Strategic Air Command, Springfield Station. If you're watching this tape, half the world is doomed. Says you, General Dead Guy. Behind you is a Titan 2 missile key to a mighty line of defense that will reduce our casualties to an acceptable 200 million. Duda,

[Music] now don't worry. I have the best dang blood hound in the county. Uh, does your boy smell like a fox? No. We're of no use to you. Come on, Bart. You made your point. The whole town is looking for you. Even that scary old man from the house with the broken windows. Bart broke my windows. It used to be a normal house. Yes. All right, listen up. We have a boy, missing. And you maggots, you're going to help find him. I thought we were ladies. You're lady maggots. Oh, see here. You haven't fed us. We're pretty close to riot mode. This is a boy. Never seen him in my life. We all get tattoos we regret. I will find that boy and I will toast you with his blood. What I tell you about blood toast, Bob? To do them, but not brag about them. Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country. Doesn't sound like any president I know. Freedom. I can smell Springfield.

[Music] Nothing good ever comes from trying. Private Homer, you fat stack of mop buckets. You find something funny about this. How about I wipe that smile off your fat face? Not my homie. Avert your eyes, ma'am. A phone, please. Dial tone. Dial tone. Oh, thank God. I'm looking for a miss calls. First name Tess, middle initial T. Uh, just a sec. I'll check. Uh, testy calls. Testy calls. Uh, come on. I know you're hanging around here somewhere. Why you little When I catch you, I'm going to stick a beer tap in you and pull till the foam comes out your ears.

[Music] I give up. If you find Bart, give me his lunch money. Well, I'm never giving up. Why not? Because searching forever is much easier than me finding a new friend. I could be your new friend. What was that? Nothing. Shut up. It's Lucky Cap. Bart. Bart, are you down there? Milhouse, I have never been so glad to see you. Thanks for not noticing my new haircut. Just give me your phone. Po get help. You can count on me.

[Music] I'll let these for our son. March. Honey, he's never going to come back if he thinks it's a church. With 78% of the search area reporting, Channel 6 is now projecting that Bart Simpson is dead. That's right. Self-proclaimed underachiever Bart Simpson dead at the age of 10. Now, let's look at the districts where he's deadest. Lisa, I have news about Bart. We already know. home. Milhouse, you were his best friend. What did you come here for? Um, I came to tell her he's alive, but this feels almost as good as hugging Harry horse. I came to comfort you in these uncertain times. A It's over. We're calling off the search. Did they find him? No, he's dead. No, that can't be. Lord, why do you kill things that I want to kill? Take me now, vile rank. I think you should look at Bart's death this way, Bob. You're free. You're totally free. Oh, this slipped off. Have you ever thought of how your life could have gone had you committed to good instead of evil? Evil isn't a choice. I see. Why don't we try a little psychological exercise, Bob? If I unshackle you, will you behave? Try it. Cut out Bart's picture. And by so doing, cut him out of your life. Don't listen to that. I'm alive.

[Music] Are you okay there, Bob? I won't believe he's dead until I've made soup from his bones. Why do I keep giving them scissors?

[Music] Hello. Hey, Mom. It's me. Still married? Oh my god. Oh my god. He's alive and sassy. Um, went for the road. It's a long road. I'll see you soon. Hello, Bart. Friend, Bart's alive. Lead me to Bart. You'll have to kill me first. But if you kill me, you'll never find Bart. A conundrum. How to break you? Tell me, do you like light opereta? How light? And one and two. I have a song to sing. Oh, sing me your song. Oh, it is sung to the moon by a loveorn loon who fled from the mocking throng. Oh, the song of the nail of a churchyard bell. Give, I give, I'll take you to Bart. He cracked like an egg. Please stop. and began to beg. You promised as I sang this song. Oh, it's a song of a pop and Jay bravely born who turned up his noble nose with scorn. Can you at least stab me in my ear? No. Okay, we'll split up and find Bart. Thanks for lending this to us, Ned. And I'll do the three things that help the most. Pray. Pray. Pray. Well, what about me? I ain't riding in that. No, you're pulling it. No good. Couldn't pull you when you were eight. Angry dad. Wise ass kid. Well, there's a formula that never fails. Okay, boys. We're going to sing a nice little song. I want to play Cowboys and Indians. Calvin, put down that tomahawk. Calvin. Calvin. Calvin, you look funny. Dave. Dave. Dave. God bless America.

Give me back my That's where he is. But if you jump down, you can't get back up, and you'll be caught. So, uh, I guess that's checkmate.

We're not playing chess. We are playing a game called After You. After me, if you insist. Oh god, I am so sick of these. 12 times the charm. Sideshow Bob. That's right. I found your hidey-hole.

You found my hiny hole. Oh, yes. Always the back of the class wit. Well, today you're going to be a real blast. I don't like the way you really hit the word blast. Uh, Bob, it takes two keys. That way, no Nutcase can do it by himself.

Well, no one ever said launching two boys on a 50-year-old missile would be easy. Wow. For a 50-year-old missile, it's in terrific shape. Shut up. I'm a kid who appreciates things that last. Come on, boy. Get a good whiff of his scent.

Did you find anything? Uh, we found Bart's sock drawer. Get back out here. Well, you can't shoot her. You know that's a woman. Oh, this is the last time I hunt with my lawyer. Son, I can't go no further. I want to just lie down and die.

Dad, you can't die here. You have to die in a nursing home where your body falls apart as you burn through your savings till you're a worthless vegetable. You know, with dignity. You're right, son. We're here on a mission. Now, let's pick out that Christmas tree.

We're here to find Bart. Right. Right. Well, we got a nice 8-footer over here. She's got a bare patch, but we'll turn that to the wall. That's it. I'm not listening to another word. Help. Help.

Well, this you can thank my time at Cirle. More like cir to sole lame. Yes, they are pretty much all the same. Just a little further. Oh, wait. Wrong key. 5 minutes too large. Stop. Why are you doing this?

Well, it's perfectly obvious. It's a Give me a moment. It's an ICBM. I commit Bart's murder. That's your justification for killing two kids. I H Dad, look. It's either Sideshow Bob or Shaq. Not me. I'm going that way.

Boy, am I lost. Shaq, can you help us? I'm not Superman. You have a Superman tattoo on your arm. How do you know so much about me? You're scaring me. I don't have any money. Have you ever thought of how your life could have gone had you committed to good?

It is true. I had talent. I was on Zoom. Just send it to Zoom. Box 350, Boston, Mass. 021 34. You don't want to do this. You're losing it. Bob, I don't know what's real and what's hallucination.

[Music] Hello. Hello, Dr. Bob Towiliger. Did I catch you at a bad time? Oh, Bob, how thoughtful of you to call. Most prisoners rarely follow up after leaving me to die. I just need to know, should I kill these children?

Sounds like someone's got a case of the shoulds. If you're calling to ask, it means you already know the answer. T-minus 2 minutes. Clear blast area. Just tell me please. He's not allowed to talk.

[Music] That sounds like the ignition sequence of an LGM25C Titan 22 ballistic missile. I've had just about enough of your nonsense. All right, I owe you one. So, why did you save us? Because I realized I don't want to kill you anymore.

Milhouse, is there a knife in my back? Not that I can see. Milhouse, is there a kick me sign on my back? Not that I can see. A I just can't get a clean shot. Also, you don't have a gun. I'm useless. All right.

What a brilliant conceptual piece. Who's it by? Norad. More like Snorad. Wait, is it ticking? Sooner or later, it all comes down to mupp.

[Music] Doctor, I'm happy. And when I'm released, after three consecutive life sentences, I think I'll open a flower shop. Oh, that's great, Bob. Not all my patients are this successful. Well, I won't be needing his file anymore. And if you're interested, tomorrow's 9:00 appointment just opened up. And a 10.

[Music] Your New York magazine, sir. This is the New Yorker. Totally different. One is the gossip rag of the glitterata. The other an aszmatic dinosaur that hasn't been relevant since William Sha breathed his lust. Can I go now? I've got 15 other lighthouses, and everyone's a weirdo. Not that you are.

Fine, leave me. I'll just polish the bulb and ponder a wasted life as I walk along the shore. I rewrite it every time the tide goes out. Listen to me. Life is short. Don't spend it on foolish empty revenge. If your bottle cut.

[Music] Attention fellow members of the Springfield chapter of Mensa. Mr. Burns has called us here to solve an unknown problem of global importance. But first, try. I say we write and solve our own acrostics. Yes. After we recite all the words in the Declaration of Independence in alphabetical order. A a

[Music] silence. You think I summoned you here because the world is about to end. No, it isn't. What are you afraid of? Global warming? AI? Some sort of plague? The smarty pantalones, I am asking you to help with the Montgomery burns doomsday ark. This space vehicle will lead humanity's best and brightest to a better life under my stern rule.

Will there be someone for your more personal needs? Concubines? Many concubines. I'll work my way in. I need you to tell me who is worthy of surviving the apocalypse with me. I only want the sharpest razors in this town's Halloween candy. Oh, don't worry, Mr. Burns. This is what Mensah does best. Make everyone else feel stupid.

The only word in English with three consecutive double letters is um gooseberry. No, coffee. Coffee. Oo. Uh, ballooning. Bookkeeper. Damn it. It's simple. All we need to do is give everyone in town an IQ test. The highest scores get on the ark. Men members grandfathered in. Grandfathered.

Not so fast, Flavven. Being intelligent people, I am quite sure that you will take this well. IQ's are meaningless. I have the ultimate test that measures something far more significant. Your overall worth as a human. Impossible. Intelligence is the only quotient that tells you how important you are. Ask any of us who did well on a test we took when we were six.

Well, you may be the brightest, but you are not the best. Your worthiness as a human being is best measured, people, by the personal value quotient. That's PVQ. You go. All right, enough with the pelting and the voning and the coffus in my neck. Carvic. In order to diffuse your obvious hostilities, I will make my presentation entertaining.

All right, with a one and a two and a 3.14159. Uh, forgive me if it seems like I'm attacking, but I find the old IQ test badly lacking. If you want to find out just what someone can do, you need to learn that subjects P VQ. Get tests for sympathy and empathy and group collaboration, artistry and neatness and complex socialization and every single aspect of a personality.

Hey PQ is okay with me. It tests for sarcasm and prudence. Not if you're Isaac Newton. confidence, ambition, and the teams for whom you're rooting. So, it's all the little foibless that can make a person. Just the PB, the yard stick for the soul.

[Music] [Applause] [Music] Now, people, you're all geniuses.

[Music] You can see this is no art. Emotional intelligence is needed for the art.

[Music] You mean earnestness and ego and if they make a mean burrito and the social grace to know when not to wear a speedo. Every trait that integrates a winning personality. Yes, the PBQ is what we'll do to find out who will see us through. Yes, the PBQ is a

[Music] me. Anyone have a song in rebuttal? You got to have Oh, Boulder Dash. We're going with this man's test. Oh, wonderful. to determine who is worthy of a seat on my ark. Uh, but sir, how do we get everyone in town to take a test without telling them what it's about?

Mandatory test. Mandatory test. Mandatory for everyone not ringing a bell. What's the point of this test again? The way I look at it, the more things secret corporations know about us, the better. Huh? I like when drones show up bringing me things I needed but didn't know. Well, I am out of the ornament. We all knew. Remove all stray marks. Number two, pencil only. And for God's sake, relax. This question asked about the price of underwear as if I were some landed aristocrat.

Hey, can I copy off you? Be my fist. Day is tonight as early as late. Booyah. Booyah. Booyah. The one test. I don't bring my ear muffs. The results are in. The newest and most accurate measure of our intelligence on a scale from 1 to 500. 500 being best. Boring. Don't shut it off. I need my score. Thank you. Now, we'll run everyone's scores past the screen really fast from best to worst, trusting that you'll pause at only your name. Pause it. 475. My sweet spot. Excellent. But room to improve. What? I am one below Ralph. Ralph? It doesn't mean Ralph's smarter than you. It just means he's a more valuable person. Ralph, keep scrolling. 311. Above average, but not enough to make people mad. And it's the number you call to complain about potholes. Woo! H Simpson 265. Exactly the number of days in a year. Well, that's good. Let's change the channel. But we don't know your score. Like I said, that's good. Not there. Not there. Not there. A

[Music] [Music] I don't need any test. I'm street smart.

[Music] I refuse to accept that my little guy has no future. He could learn how to put in adding machine tape. That's how I got through the depression and letting the FBI know which bugle boys were about to turn buggy wuggy. We're not giving up on Bart. And I'm not giving up on you, Homer. What? You're still trying? In what way? My will is 38 pages of me yelling at you. I'm in the will. Charles, listen to me. Charles, now Satan, I'm not Satan. I'm Orson Wells. Satan would sell wine before it's time. Yes. Now, have you taken my warning seriously? Oh, but he did. I've already started the ark. Very good. Now, I must go. God commissioned me to direct Rainbow, and I've spent half my budget on Indigo. The only answer is to play Red myself. Smithers, speed up production on the Ark. Put everyone on it. Ply them with all the rum and salt it takes.

[Music] Yeah, there's no nap like a scaffold, man. Hey, what do you think we're building anyway? I'm betting it's a new Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Maybe this one will keep somebody out. How can Ralph score higher than me? That test is wrong. But all my self-esteem comes from tests. Should I really be pulling on this string? I am not worse than Ralph.

[Music] Hi, Ralph. Hi, Ralph. Hi, Ralph. Hi, Ralph. I miss the string through my ears. All right, Lisa, watch. Do not judge. What makes him superior?

[Music] I'm okay. You have reached the Wiggum residence. If Ralph is stuck in something, press one. If something is stuck in Ralph, press two. If this is Ralph, Daddy is not in the phone. Do not open the phone looking for me. What are you doing? The only thing I'm good at. Nothing. That tears it. We're going to see Professor Frank, and find out exactly what happened on that test. Got a little present for you, Bart. It's called The Bible for the Slow. He's not going to take it. Oky do. No, I wasn't doing anything bad. Pour the beaker and you'll see. We are not going to let you mix those chemicals. We got a tip from an anonymous source named Seymour Skinner. Do you even know what anonymous means? Uh, helpful. Mom, I'm innocent. You believe me, don't you? If he's lying, I'll never forgive him. If he's telling the truth, he'll never forgive me. Glad I'm not you. Bart, sweetie, I'll pour the beaker for you.

[Music] Hey [Applause] Hey, I come home lady and then kids and a fire go out and stupid slanders be only Good will come of you. Hey, it looks like I just invented English. Huh? I think I'll build a tavern. Of course, it won't be as clean and nice as this swamp.

[Music] Only we can't keep inviting so many people to Thanksgiving. They all drink too much. Use your words. Who do we cut? Flanders. We don't invite him. Let's invite then disinvite him. Okay, I know this is a tough one, but Mo, remember last year his plus one? Oh, yeah. Why won't you let me pop her? No, it's bad. Guju. Oh, so um we're keeping Thanksgiving super small this year. I I understand. I won't tell no one I'm invited. Hey, I was thinking of making slid green beans, little bits of bacon, pearl onions in there. What's the matter? You don't like pearl onions? Next, you'll be bad mouthing gelots. Actually, you're not invited. And this is how I find out, huh? By you telling me in person, gently with with with plenty of notice. I'm sorry, man. I'm I'm really sorry. Hey, no problem. I mean, I'm just your bartender, right? No women, no buddies. Oh, thank God. A friend. Most have it. Most speaking. Uh, hello. I'm looking for a Mr. Buttface. First name Ima. Nobody's been named that in like a hundred years. And as for the rest, why don't you double check that name? Try saying it out loud. I'm a butt face. Yeah. Now, mistakes are how we learn there, young fella. Good luck in your uh your journey into adulthood. Dude, that was lame. And I'm the king of lame. I dream about Needle Point. Maybe we should just give up these prank calls. Yeah. No more little prank calls. We're going to go hardcore. Hardcore. The only thing my mom's never done. I'm so proud of her. So, you're looking to acquire some militaryra mischief makers. I cannot and I will not sell such items to miners. Welcome to the darknet. The devil's URL. Even Amazon can't find you here. Ain't that right, Alexa? Please, I've done nothing. Just shut me off, please.

[Music] Welcome to the dark net. Could you stop that, please? Whoa. Quit scaring us. All right, this is our chance to get back at Mo. Wait, what did he do to us? It doesn't matter. Let's do this. A grenade launcher, just like the one my dad liberated in Afghanistan. I thought your dad just went out for smokes and never came back. All right, the truth is he left on the first ship colonizing Mars. That's why he can't call or send checks. But he did send me this. What? That's just a lameo candy bar. I need this, Bart. Fine. Your dad's on Mars. You're an enabler. Deadly treason. Overpriced. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about this? Whoa. That'll break Mo's heart and his wallet. Well, hello. I'm Hackey here to help you commit internet crime. Do you want to A submit a false Medicare claim, B dox your ex-girlfriend, or C hack into PayPal? But if we're caught, I morph into Snitchy the Weasel and give all your information to the FBI. To continue, click agree. The package should be arriving now. Cool. We get to see a taxi. Is this the residence of successful American businessman uh Mo Sizzlac? Uh who wants to know? Anastasia, his new wife. His wife. Darknet rules and no state sales tax. Booyah. Well, this is a contract and it is my electronic signature, which I assume is impossible to fake, but I did not order no mail order bride. I understand. Good. You see me in person and you do not want me. No, no, you got it all wrong. It's me. I can't take another heartbreak. My only friends are a ghost that came with the bar. Drink it. Drink the drink the drink. I woke up in the hen house this morning. Drinking a drink to drink the drink. But I still wasn't drunk as the day I was born. Back in my head, fats. Oh, there's a lot of dark thoughts in there. I didn't want to die here. I just came in to use the phone. Sweetheart, we'll straighten this out. I'll overnight you back to Russia. And boy, I'm sorry to say this, but uh but on Delta, where are my manners? Let me show you around. The pool table, a jukebox. Barney, we have alcoholics, too. But ours are thin with ropey muscles. What's this? Ah, that's the love tester. You just stick a nickel in it, and it tells you what's in your heart. Uh-oh. Am I falling for her? I think it knows what I'm feeling and what I'm having for dinner. Who can guess what oil I sauteed these vegetables in? Olive, canola. Oh, not this game. Coconut, grape seed. Yeah, fantastic conversation, Marge. I don't hear an oil. Peanut. Guess again. Um, sunflower, walnut. No, no, and no. This is why I had kids. The answer is finally vegetable. Hey, vegetable oil. Good one, March. Did you hear Mo accidentally bought a wife online? Excuse me. How can mail order brides still be a thing in this day and age? Lisa, ignorant men and foolish women sometimes do dumb things to find love. Or maybe it was a master hack by an unknown genius. Maybe this will turn out great for Mo. Sometimes arranged marriages are the best. I mean, look at Tevia and Golda. They had a wonderful life with that fiddler in the stle. It wasn't that great for Tidle. Oh, how many times do I have to tell you that Laser Wolf the butcher was a good provider. Well, I'm not marrying a butcher. Young lady, you should be so lucky if that Van Hutton is a butcher. I'm not marrying Milhouse. O, she won't marry a butcher. She won't marry Milhouse. What is a father to do? What is a man with three little children? Three little children to do. I'll toot. Hey, uh, listen. Uh, if you want to stay a few more days, uh, it's fine with Whoa. Whoa. I ain't seen fresh flowers since my ma died. She got hit by a flower truck. Let's try this place. It looks cute. I've never been inside before. I I thought it was a horrible dive. Well, I thought it was a crack house, but now I'd like a glass of white wine. There's a white wine. I mean, yeah, I'll be right with you. Whoa, look at all the meat in the seats. That grosses me out. Goodbye. Would you look at me? My mouth is running like a toilet. Wait, wait, wait. My friend speaks like peasant, but he makes a whiskey sour to die for. The hell's a whiskey sour? Will you be quiet? Come back in. I promise you a safe, happy time. Looks good. I feel better. So, I do good. I work hard. Clean up bar. I even chase out moose and squirrel. Hey, let's take our patronage elsewhere. Moose. What's a patronage?

[Music] Oh, look, Anastasia. It ain't that I don't like you. I like you plenty. two plenty. Here's the sad truth about me. Every time I give my heart to a woman, it gets broken to a 100 pieces. My first crush. So, I really like you and I was wondering, you know, if maybe we could go to a movie or something. Give me one second.

[Music] You got to come out sometime. We've been using the back door. Ah, damn it. Done a couple of years ago, sweet Maya. And then, of course, Laney Fontaine. I'm through with you, Mo. You're a worthless train to nowhere. And this is my stop.

[Applause] She won a Tony tearing me apart. Yet I left hum songs. Poor Mo. In Russia we have worked for people like you. Kashm. Oh, that sounds nice. What does it mean? It means gentle hearts that no one sees. Oh, that's beautiful. Maybe I should learn Russian. No, don't do that. But if you want me to, I'll go. Wait, I can't let you go like that. Can you take these bottles to the recycling? Keep the nickels for yourself.

[Music] Delivery for Dr. I am a butt face. That's me. Where do I sign? Uh, nowhere. I was never here, but I would appreciate a good review on Dark Yelp. Any less than three stars. And uh, one Sumatran breeding rat already in labor. You paid for mail order rats when your grandfather's nursing home is full of them. All right, boy. I'm going to find out just what you've been up to. Oh, Mom. Thank God. This one's brighter. Now talk. What are you up to? All right, we'll make you talk. Give me your phone.

[Music] That poor rice. I'm going to dunk your phone and there won't be any rice to save it. Okay. Okay. I ordered Moe's mail order bride. You're going to be punished. Boy, what about Mo? That poor lonely man. Right as always, Marge. I'll head directly to Mo. It's the only decent thing to do. Yes. Good. Good. I might have to console him till closing time. Well, now that it's just you, no punishment, right? I used a computer. Isn't that wonderful? When I was just a baby, my mama told me, "Son,

[Music] I'm here to apologize." It don't matter. She's gone. She's working at the Russian Tea room in Ogdenville. It was my no good kid that ordered your wife. It don't matter. Nothing matters. Hey, Mo. You think I haven't been disappointed by love? Well, I haven't. But you've got to get her back. Okay, I'll go to Ogdenville. I'll get her back. For once in my life, I ain't going to be afraid of getting hurt. Follow your dreams. I'm following mine. Where's Mo? Is Anastasia here? She's just getting off work. Ah, great. Perfect. I'm

Uh, I'm going to win her back.

That's nice. You probably should check for their boyfriend. You look just like the penny vice.

I know. It's terrible. Now, when I'm in the gutter and call kids for help, nothing. She's got a boyfriend. Well, you never know how much you really love something until you've lost it.

Did you ever lose anything? My husband, my home, and TV show Armenian Idol twice.

Yeah, [Music] I never should have told her to go. I look, Mo, I'll tell you how to get her back, okay? You take her to dinner, nice and romantic, look into her eyes, and remind her that she is under contract to marry you.

I don't know, man. That doesn't seem uh, woke. And I'm I'm woke as hell. It doesn't matter how it started, you two fell in love. It's like the kind of movie we wish Tom Hanks would go back to making.

I know. How many captains can one guy play?

Oh, you're right about that. You're right about everything, you guys. You know what? I'm going to do it.

Oh my god. I got hope. I I'm looking forward to the future, fellas. I'm going to put on pants. Now, just so you know, technically, I'm still married to Rita Moreno.

Over here. Here. Hey, please. Uh, excuse me, Christile. Now, dear, I'm a little nervous because uh, I got something real important to say. You had a good thing going and you ruined it. Not for the first time either. You know, my bar was originally an eight-story hotel.

What does this have to do with me?

Oh, this time it's not too late. I hope. I love you, Anna. I don't know how I feel right now, Mo, but if you promise me a wedding according to my traditions, a deal is a deal. A deal is a deal.

How I have longed to hear those words. Sorry, Crusty. It's over.

No, no. I just got TMZ here to film my relationship. We got a breakup.

Even better. Zoom in on his broken heart. No, no, no, no, no. Need another take. [Music]

Hey, can I get a little service here? Yeah, excuse me. I'm also working this event.

Your own marriage? Tastefully, tastefully. And we are waiting on one very special guest. Duffman is here with these Duff Drink a day calendars. There's something brewing every day of the year except for Pearl Harbor Day. Never forget. Now, let's get this show on the road. Duffman has a beer mitzvah at 4. Putting the brew in Hebrew. [Music]

Mom, this costume's embarrassing.

It's your last punishment. Also, you look cute. When I was little, I used to dream of a man in the most velour tracksuits there could be, who would sweep me off to an apartment shared by only four other families. I just want to say that you've made me very happy, which uh, boy, I thought I could ever be. And now the signing of the traditional Orthodox marriage papers. Ring boy, please bring my lottery stamp. I can scratch this off my bucket list.

Wait a minute. I've been learning Russian on the darknet and this says Mo gives all his personal property to Anna. This looks airtight. And believe me, I know marriage law. Yeah, I read him divorce decrees to get him to go to sleep.

Boob jackalaka. Anna, is this true?

No, it's just another one of their stupid pranks. My sweet Mo, there's no way to fake what we have.

Oh, I can't do it. I I just I can't risk another heartbreak. I'm I'm sorry.

So, uh, am I still getting paid?

Wait, you're not from Russia?

No, Brooklyn. Back when Brooklyn was Brooklyn. You know what I mean? Anna, what about you? I'm not Russian at all. I'm from Columbus, Ohio.

That's even worse. Anna, you're a scam artist and wonder didn't aim too high.

What do you mean? You know I'm in debt, right? Serious serious debt. Just look at my invites.

You still want to marry me?

Well, it looks like this just became a shotgun wedding. It's time for you two to leave.

Fine, I'll find another man and give him what he dreams of. I just have to speak a little like this or maybe Scottish like, Oh, my ears deceive me. Are you from the Highlands?

I between Inesse. Pause. Three people bid on the stolen painting: Nuclear magnet Mr. Burns, venture capitalist Mega Mat, and mini golf cheatr Simpson. They're all suspects. I don't He's such a cute little Oh my god, she's flirting with me. I can see where he gets his good looks. What a lucky little boy to get a trip to the park with his grandpa.

Grandpa. Grandpa. Oh my god. should call. An old man is dying. This boy's grandfather is a shriveled up begging for death. I am his father.

Can't believe we allowed you to hit on me. And I don't have to have food for you. I'm sexy, young, don't you? Those are regular donuts. Huge crazy toppings. Russian nasty donuts. We're going to rest. [Music]

I don't know. Sexual harassment seminars. Actually, Carl, there's no place. Okay. Where did you get these donuts? From a guy with a card. It could be anywhere.

911. What is your emergency? I'm going to report a missing donut. I'm not seeing anything. Can you get any lower? [Music] We have logo. We have Sorry, Jets. Fresh out. when they're gone. I shoot. Come on. What have I become? It's not a good feeling when you're saying what have I become more than once a day. Tell you what, I got to give you something. I would be honored to shake the hand at Terrence, tell me everything about you. Your food being just got too played out. Seems to be real. There are no restaurants there with two locations. My kids have kids. You can't have kids. Look at you. You have a job, a skull ring, and it's not Halloween. And your belt is a seat belt. No one would ever think you're able. You can't let being a dad slow down. Me and the family just discovered city with affordable houses. Our houses are the cheapest. The one next to me on lowering the price when I go out to this. What a crime. This house has always dreamed of an architectural masterpiece. I have a graduate degree in mid-century. Thanks for turning us on. You're a pretty cool guy. Can I [Music] hang out with the new neighbor? I've already blown them away. I don't screw it up. Kids, just be yourselves.

Hey, my armadillo chewy. Mexico, not Star Wars Chewy. Star Wars Chewy is just a man in a costume, so he's not scary. Our baby T-Rex jumps. Hey, do you have I did when I was telling activity dogs. No, that's combat jack activity ripped off. Fine. You have a weird old version of something. Let's just watch TV. A TV? We don't own a TV. I think I'm done here. Lisa, go nuts. My dad only watch. [Music] That's so sad. Those are joke headlines. It's not a real newspaper. It's just satire. Satire. And these little meals are so big. It's hilarious. Those are real. Great paper. Hungry. You can go ahead and feed her. I could probably use a snack. That's not happy. You don't have to be uncomfortable around nursing mom. We all do. It sure is. There's nothing more natural than It's just that he's already known me today. I think we should go. We're not like these people. I got my new look. My head I'm young person. Never want to see these again. Check it out. That's cool, Dad. And I can't be your best friend anymore. To be honest, that got some tremendous relief. You can cry all night. I can finally compost. Maybe we shouldn't rush these neighbors. No, I won't be a perfect match. I got a plan in it. Step one, change everything about ourselves until we are super cool. I always make artist me and my kids. Well, school, if it's that important to you, I guess we can try. babys I mean comp found out they were so bad they put his feet in a blender then they splash on it. We walked into a gallery and it was just a guy crying. That was the art. The kids are a mess. We brought them home exhausted and pretentious. No, we need to take kids to grown up. That's style. Parenting shouldn't have a style. Parenting is about big times and passwords on computers and complicated punishments you never fall on. I mean, wearing a chain look like a Well, you will be laughing when you see how many pig pockets this thing touches. And watch with a scarf. It's so sweat. Wearing scarves and scarf weather is the essence of cool. I can't just buy a toy. Homemade presents are how coolies demonstrate how awesome they are. If I show up with a toy from the star like we would give our kids and I failed and these skinny jeans will have flattened my junk for nothing. Jesus. It's a kid's birthday party or the place a bad guy doing a thing. factory tires. T-Rex loves to industrial. I used to abandon ethnic homes. Come on. Love temporary touches. Temporary. I want kitty whiskers. Good. There's got to be a bounce house around here somewhere. At least maybe a pinata. Holy moly. Please join our milk. I'd love to, but Maggie's a little shy. Don't worry, you can use a nursing apron. This could feel more natural. Fine. I admit it. You never get my formula. It's okay. If you will use this because you saw me using it 1950s accordion camera one of these shoes. Oh, I get it. T-Rex for the T-Rex. How long did it take to think of that one? My dad worked really hard to make that class. This is so pathetic. I can't even wear it. Ironically, ironically, this guy's going on my poster. Except me. Your son attacked mine. You've transformed a slaughter house into a place of violence. Flip tires. Yeah, like factories are never repurposed. It's time for you guys to leave. Feeling included. Life's greatest joy. Boy, oh boy. Have you been all night? We had the family version of a broance going with our awesome neighbors and you had to screw it up. your present in the garbage and everyone laughed. for you. Also, I didn't want to tell you, but that woman in her gang looked down on me because I don't breastfeed. What? Maybe I was wrong about these people. Whoever thought could be a jerk. Yeah, that's right. The friendship between the Simpsons and whatever your last name is is is over. I want my mustache back. I do have to get back pizza. I just thought if we got together we can change the channel to come. Could we at least agree to I like he talks and the story of failing mom like the dad shut up with your name we were just questioning the parent not using his words with Tyrannosaurus parenting let me tell you parents something to rebel against by becom Just long enough to get married and have kids. It's nature's way tattoos will be saggy and well at least I don't put a corporate chemical cocktail into my child's body. See what I'm dealing with here? We invited them here and they would pay us with insults and judgments. Yes, but there's two sides to every This is our neighborhood. We were here first, so you should leave. We're not going anywhere. Our house just got written up into brag about this article. This town's about to get as popular as two sneakers. The US types are coming. Say hello to your new teachers. Now, who wants to learn a song about press and stupid? [Music] I don't know everything crappy about this place. They like even The cool people are everywhere. Somehow they even make the weather. I brought these people to Springfield. Now they've taken over. What happened to our town? Everybody wears clothes from the past and uses computers for the future. Where can I buy? Hey, better not attack me again. My mom's in his salvage police, but everything else is stuck. Relax. I'm over it. Why are you at the block party? Parties are lame. Why do you think everything's lame? I don't know. I I don't get a lot of sleep. I was out really late at all burlesque show. Sorry, I was Me dad. That's okay. He is pretty late. Hey, want to watch TV? TV with commercials. Terrible commercials. I'm supposed to turn compost. Screw that. It's crusty time. [Music] Okay, we don't have to be friends, but we live in the fridges of your world like those eels that eat at my old. What's that smell? That's our house. Damn it. radishes. Stop your tripping arguing and try to call the fire department. Sorry, our old fires and they ran away. Organic natural lifestyle has doomed us. And to save us, we need something incredibly unnatural. 50 gallons of baby water will put out that place. of scarves and wallets is holding. They're necessary. They're finally necessary. [Music] Sorry we judged you, March. Your formula saved us all. I guess I do feel a little bad about not breastfeeding my kids. Except Lisa. I breastfed Lisa for 9 months. I did it. I'm hooked. I want to go to get a couple different toys and I got to collect them all. Check it out. New York Times travel city. That means Springfield is played out. Please, please take me with you. I am one of you. I understood all your references. No matter where you go, I will find you. [Music] America faces an ominous new threat: Terrorism. We must be vigilant. Secure every home, every church, every presidential library. I grew up in a little town in Arkansas. His name ironically was terrorism. [Music] Oo, there's new marshmallows in the Belfast charms. No, no, that's Bart cereal. It's the only way I can get him to take his bones. [Music] The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the side. That's not right. Yes, it is. They're my lines of Okay, I'm ready for the nuclear workers convention. It's a little sad. The guys who did the funny skit last year, well, they're all very sick. Did you pack everything you made? Even better. I never unpacked from the time we went to Hawaii. My lava's almost cool. [Music] I'm still cold. We get away from my family. I can't believe I have to miss taking the kids to buy gym uniforms. Send me a picture. Poor guy. Salt of the earth. [Music] Oxygen masks on. [Music] Man, I love conventions. Yeah, they're a perfect combination of work and baby drinking. No, look guys, we are here for one important reason: To get free swag forever. [Music] Interested in learning a procedure that could save your life? All I have are these machines. There's [Music] that woman I always have the same time next year with and she's with a frumpy friend I always have dinner with when you two disappear. [Music] Put up your nukes. Help her. W I still haven't forgiven you for putting that dead goat in my bed. until you rolled over on him. Take that. Come here. You some party, huh? It could be if we introduce to my team to my good friend Spike. What would you think I'm next? Nothing. This is it. Hey, here's a brainstorm for you: Check if it's plugged in before you call it. You think I like talking you monkeys? Password change texting. [Music] Hello. Where's Homer? Hold on. Hold on. When did I see you last? Jeez. I don't know. Yeah, Homer's a great guy, but that doesn't mean I constantly think about whether he's still alive or not. Taking a picture up in a moment of grief. It's okay. This camera has an auto feature. [Music] Well, he's not in the Boise board. Maybe he was mistaken for a dead elephant and flown back to Kenyon. You're talking about my husband. Spare your feelings. We'll just call him the blob. Dudan says the blob is stuck in the water intake pipe at the reservoir. Please, I need people here who are helpful and sensitive. Sorry about everyone. I've had some trouble getting the voicemails off the 911 line. Why does everyone have to talk so fast and panicky? A man with a gun is in my house. Gibberish. Hello everyone. Holy. What happened to you? I overstepped. Lost my cell phone. Missed my flight. Why did you call us? All the payones at the airport were replaced by self-served yogurt. I had all the cookie dough toppings a man could want. So many cookies will never be born. I guess all that matters is everything's back to normal. [Music] [Music] Yes, back to normal. Dear Christian God. Hey, sorry. Dear God, you know which one I mean. Thank you for returning our enemy. He's still got a lot of unfinished business down here. Amen. I'm glad you're back, Dad. It's hard to sleep with one unkissed cheek. Yeah, it's tough being man of the house. You left some big underpants to fill. I didn't know they made underoos in size 52. They're called Superaroos, son. With pictures of the of the expendables. More like the expandables. Why didn't you strangle me? And a small scale while it solves nothing. Couldn't agree more. Now to celebrate: Pork chops crusted with shield dust. I'll pass on the pork. I'll just enjoy these free beans with slivered almonds. Most liver Why is the dad I always wished for creeping me out? I don't know. Cuz you're incapable of experiencing joy. I take it. Dad, what's that on your lap? A napkin. Glad you're back, buddy. You got a lot of catching up to do with [Music] just get a glass of water. Water? That stuff killed my grandmother. So sad. I've been having snug dreams. March. I changed it. Boise. I'm not sure a man who eats right and doesn't drink can be good in bed. What made you You're so beautiful when I cut you off in the middle of a question. What's that thing you're doing? Moving my body. Don't you think it's weird that dad stopped eating pork and drinking beer? Who cares what happened? Daddy's back. Something happened to dad on that trip. This is worse than when he went to New Orleans and came back with the southern accent. Yeah, dude. How come every time there's a terrorist chatter in this town, you come to me? Yeah, Baboo. When I look at people, I don't see colors. I just see crackpot religions. Chief, is there really a terrorist threat to Springfield? Yeah, I got a very important phone call. Hello. Is this insecure? It's still jiggly, but it'll alone. We got intel. That's short for a word I don't know. Intelligence. I don't believe so. No. Anyway, this intel says that someone in town has been turned and they're working for terrorists. Now, I got to go check my other suspects. But I may be back. Dad's kneeling on a prayer mat. He doesn't believe in kneeling. Looks like he's praying. To the east, the Middle East. He's targeting the nuclear plant. If you are a cat, do you hate Mondays like Garfield? And do you love lasagna like me? Okay then. [Music] Mom, I have to tell you something about dad. Something big. I know. He's changed. Exactly. For the better. And then don't change that way. Wait. Wait. Do you know what we're doing on Sunday? Brunch with a tile store. He's like a husband in a widow's memory. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. [Music] FBI. I think someone I love is a terrorist. Does that make me crazy? No. No, not at all. It took me 2 hours to get home. Traffic was crazy. Are you people talking about me? No, we're not even here right now. [Music] 742 Evergreen Terrace. I'll be right there. I don't believe what you've heard about me. I haven't heard anything about you except from you. Hanging up the receiver. E, how much did you hear? How much did you say? Nothing, really. So, I heard half of nothing. Dad, you're scary when you're calm and focused. Lisa, I'll miss you when this is all over. When's all over? This conversation. See you on the other side. What other side? Of the house where the fireplace is. We're tossing marshmallows. Marsh. [Music] I'm Mark Simpson. Who the hell are you? Agent Crawford, FBI. You guys know I don't talk to field agents. Get your boss on the phone. I'm not here for you. I'm here for your dad. What do you want with his dad? Go back to sleep. How do you know my name? I didn't, but I do now. Don't talk. I want you to know I'm the best there is at finding out what you're up to. I can torture you. I can give you incredible sex. Or you can just tell me what I want to know. What's the first one again? I see you're stupid. Hey, I'm the one with two beautiful women. You think I'm beautiful? The breaking and entering kind of way. Give me something or I'm not leaving. Let's just say I've got to get to work on time. And if you knew me, you'd know just how odd that sounds. Who are you talking to? Do it in too deep. Andy, get out. Are you real or my imagination? Either way, my advice is sound. I love my job. [Music] for you. What you got there, Homer? Weird thing under a tarp. That's what I thought. Have a good one. You laugh now, but you won't be laughing soon. He's right because now I go back to remembering that my cat just died. He's in. One Sunrise Burrito, please. Fine. Facial recognition required. Welcome, Mr. Burns. [Music] Dad, what'd you get in here? Girl Scout cookies catch you man anywhere. Please don't do this, Dad. I don't know what horrors you saw in Boise, but it's not worth blowing up everyone.

You love. I'm not blowing up the plant. Just harmlessly stopping it from doing more damage to Mother Earth. Is that something your terrorist masters told you to tell me?

Yes, my terrorist masters are always talking about you, Lisa. I missed my fight until I got in a van. [Music] But some eco-friendly activist gas, grass or ass and brother, I had the ass. They told me something I found shocking. Pigs aren't happy to be made into pork chops. This t-shirt lied to me. And he also gave me an alcohol detox. [Music] [Music] It's only the end of the first verse.

But I saw you praying to Mecca. Lisa, I've never prayed to a city in my life. And if I did, it would be Hershey, Pennsylvania. I was kneeling on the affirmation rug they gave me. See? Oh, this rug is hard on my knees. Oh, this rug is hard on my knees. Oh, this rug is hard on my knees. Wait, wait, wait. What is this?

Lisa, the most horrible truth of all is the plant where I work poisons our water and our air. I've told you that a million times. Sweetie, you told me a thousand things a million times. Even with a brain the size of a dinosaur, I couldn't take that in. Anyhoo, this canister is full of spoiled milk and utility-grade chicken. Both sold to me by a this morning. When I release it into the AC system, it'll stink up the plant forever. No one can use it, but no one gets hurt. Just like when I spill up the toilet. There he is. Use your fattest handcuffs. Is that what you think? I think I'm going my dad's mission just like George W. Bush. I can't shoot a little girl. Damn it. There's some things they just don't teach in the police academy movies. [Music] We did it, Dad. We did it. We sure did. You weren't shot. No, just up late watching a booger. William, your plan failed.

God, this plant has never had a functioning air conditioner. Wait a minute, Bars. You don't have a functioning AC system at a nuclear plant. That's against the law. That's impossible. Didn't we move this plant to China? Sir, it's 2 years from now, and you're not supposed to tell anyone. Oopsie. There is the prison made that can hold me. Prisoners still made of mud and waddles, right? No concrete. You know, Dad, just because your mission's complete, it doesn't mean you have to go back to pork eating and beer drinking. A beer from the sky. It's a sign. This equipment will pay for itself in one night of binging. I wish a mission could bring me closer to someone, but it can't. Okay, it's time for me to walk along into the sunset. Down in the warehouse. Well, you know how I love to roll, but my wife ordered a new dust ruffle for her bedroom and she had it shipped to the station. If I'm not here to sign for it, they'll take it back to the package and that is all night. I got a delivery here for Wiggins. Wigs? That's not even a real name. What's Wiggins? What is that? Clancy Wiggin X5000. Of course, idiot. Clancy [Music] has a new name. It says here the police anymore. Okay. Okay. I got it. I got it. I got it. Police [Music] officer Clancy Wiggins. Apparently, a military issue jetpack was mistakenly delivered here. Well, there's only one floating future copy that missing jetpack. The sky police. [Music] church. Why did Jesus want us to waste our weekend on extra boring school? Exactly. The dude was a carpenter and those guys like to kick back on Sundays. I mean, church is good for your souls. And remember, God is listening to your prayers. What percentage of prayers really come true? Like 90%. If he did, I'd be at home on the couch playing video games. Oh, God. But he just clicks delete without reading them like email updates from church. Don't worry, according to your policy, your church is covered for everything. We believe everything that happens everywhere is an act of God. You're right. We're off the hook. Those men at the head office are going to be doing the salt tonight. Southern Illinois developers are going to build on our land downstairs anchor the chain pharmacy. This building is the heart of our community. We have our weddings here, our funerals, our begin. I will not rest until it has been built. The church is going to have to ask people in here not to steal from me, not to take my life. Organized religion has lost so I've been addicted to oxygen. Our title get the money at the casino playing Jackave. But I told you was to wait in the car. I myself done it when I was a student at MIT init. Is the church council truly considering gambling? You know, the Bible never even exact. What is it? If your church is to be saved, absolute mustail. Don't tell anyone what you're doing as many fails. What happens to our church? [Music] and I saw that I guess I can't tell her. I'm waiting for my fundraising meeting, but you getting together to raise money on a review. You can't go wrong with entertained already. Yeah. So, I'm going to have to reverse the reveal. You just Counting is simple. Counting your heads all this is high. Secrets never suspects that you have been the victim of acceptable screw but everywhere will catch on you must get the hell [Music] One more nightclus. I think we can do something a little harder than that. We did it. We're going to save the church. I feel like celebrating the calendar. Okay. I get to tell everyone why. Like a church review. How do you transition between scenes? Hard black or spotlight? Both. You know, it would be a review. Tell me about Okay. There's a song about Democrats and Republicans can't get along. It's called Cats and Dogs. You got yourself a hell of a cocky rapture baby unless becoming disarmous. God bless the Jews and slow down with this dirty casino. Our mission is 100% pure. Token too many. Okay, now we'll be at the casino by 10. We get the lounge by the Jesus. Actually, my friends and I are using a system to win money to save the church. I can't believe you're gambling. It's not gay. It's daddy on this take out. It's not a take down. I haven't told him about it yet, but it's okay. You guys to know because you're finally grown up enough to be trusted with adult information. Yeah, we are grown up. I know how much to tip a waiter. I'm going to talk about our problems. I'll tell her everything. Until then, I appreciate you keeping this very secret. Dump that money on the bath grant us the gift of rationalization to allow us to swindle so that we might honor you. Amen. Only I I don't tell you how we really got the money and they want the money you took from them. Tell me one thing. Why did you lose faith in the review? How did you end up at the casino? Well, it was a moment after dinner. Mom trusted us with a secret, but she hadn't come home yet, and we're in trouble. We'll all be Have you seen this woman? Have you? Have you seen my wife? This is your wife. Do you know where she is? We'd like to ask you some questions in our meeting room. All right. As long as it's good questions. One second. Deliberating. Is that a woman's choice? Send her in. If we don't get back from anything, I'm captain. Okay. I've already given the money to the contractor. We'll just have to ask that contractor to give the money back. I'm Jerry. They want the money back. Are you going to put my head in the place? We just want the money your wife stole from us. County stealing. Well, it's not really stealing. Is it even cheating? No, but it's not allowed. I don't get it. And baseball players can steal bases. Can I just remember which cards have been playing? I keep thinking this guy. Get the vice. I knew you had a bite. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I'm sorry. I mean, your husband's suffering was all part of God's plan. God's plan. God isn't some video gamer up there controlling us more than dogs. God isn't. God didn't do this. I lied to my husband. I made my kids, too. We did this. He's right. Enter the sand and emerge unscathed. But we were screaming at the casino. I didn't I'm going to do what I should have done in the first place. Dear Lord, I don't have anywhere to pray anymore. So, I've come to all the time you got for your birthday on the Every check out what kind of crazy things we selfishly in the universe focus on maybe get my husband back. I'm not CEO of the gaming resorts division of Italian foods. I feel like it's not my division, but I'll tell you who said your religious gathering has caused a marked decrease in gambling activities. HPM are down. I'm sure your husband someone in the sky didn't hear your prayers. They sure did. Casino management. You are free to leave as long as your faith-based count. No deal. Save the church. Here for too long. I'm not leaving this casino until you stop punishing people for counting cards. They're just playing the game by the rules. [Music] Beautiful night. Tonight [Music] will be straight tonight. I'll see them all tonight. Tonight, [Music] put liquor in his tummy. Your friendship's a delight and you may lose your sight tonight. Tonight [Music] come true tonight. What the hell is that? Sorry, I missed rehearsal. Damn it. Marge, I'm heading out. Poker night. Why are you losing all our swimbangs? Don't worry, Marge. The real excitement for me is staying within a budget. This is just a friendly game, right? Oh, super friendly suckers. Dad, Dad, Dad, I need two things. A good night hug and a favor. To save time, I'll start describing the favor. I've just been accepted to the best band camp side of the Mississippi. Which side are we again? Doesn't matter. It's a great camp. Not all graduates include Pete Bar. Pete Bar? Yes. Anyway, it's a little pricey. So, if you win big tonight, maybe you can help make the little girl really happy. Don't worry, sweetie. I'm going to win. And you know why? I'm wearing my lucky t-shirt. It was such a shame you lost to President Garfield. I'll fix this. The maestro is here. Hey, who's the lady? Are you kidding? This is Lady Fontaine, Broadway legend. She starred opposite Al Pacino. And does a tiger wear a neck tie? Now I take Mo. He's got everything I look for in a man. A current liquor license. Well, it and you are the two most precious wrinkled yellow eggs I know. [Music] Three of a kind beats two pair. Straight beats three of a kind. Three beats. Four beats. Oh my god. Full house. We're going to win. That means Lisa goes to camp. As long as Homer doesn't let them know how good his hand is. The whole damn thing to him. That would be terrible. Worst jammed movie parody ever. Come on, Homer. Poker face. Stupid. I ra goes to me. Fat. I see your rays and I raised this. Is that real? What for? For cinematography. Better than a new kind of steady cam that's mounted on a dog. That's five grand. You So, are you in or are you? While I'm out, no one look at my cards or my boobs. Don't she black out like an agent? Wings. No one heard that. I'm in. [Music] Okay, moment of truth. Four of a kind. Hey, honey. Go on. I lost. I lost everything. We're gonna cate. What's Springfield's version of sardies? Hotties. I know. A nice boot under a picture of a hamburger. Come on, I'll drive you home. Off we go. You've completed Poker a Beginner's Guide. Now go out there and win. I think two bucks. [Music] Who's that? Those aren't the tiptoes of a successful gambler. How much did you lose? $5,000. Oh, I never heard that noise. I'm just saying. Doesn't look like band camp is in the cards. [Music] Hey, this is my thing now. So easy. Guys, I need help with a plan. What about a reverse mortgage? I saw a commercial for one where an old lady gave a thumbs up and it turned into money which filled up the screen. The entire screen. Swear to God. Hey, I'm a hazel. Invite lady over for dinner. Sure, you crummy home, your unhappy kids. Anyone with a heart would take pity. Finally, my sucky life pays off. Do you guys think she'll buy it? Oh, yeah. Your whole house. It smells like a basement. I've always hated your rugs. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We have to go down, man. He has such beautiful flowers. Why must he hide the wine? There I am on the main stage at Caesars about to sing, do you love me? When who do I see sitting in the wings? Your boyfriend, King Tut. Now, Jack Jones, high on his successful wives and lovers with eyes for yours truly. But you've just accepted a proposal from my commerce, which I broke off. Let's just say Max was the one man I had to n. That's rich. Oh my god. That's going in your book. Please tell me you're writing a book. Oh boy. I'm trying to show the state that we're deserving of her pity. Where's that crutch I gave you? There's something wrong with my leg. There will be my leg. Finally. Who would take $5,000 from such a miserable preacher? Lady, I know it's your night off, but would you like to sing a song for us? You don't have to ask me twice. [Music] foods with drink. [Music] It's okay if the producer don't know. [Music] You know your way around a horn, kid. Oh, listen. I don't want to gush, but I have all your albums. Sings the blues electric butchers the Beatles and my favorite rehab yourself a merry little Christmas. I'll tell you what, Marge, I'll wipe this lake clean on one condition. I want you to give Lisa to me for a month or so. I see. Get out. I never want to see you again. Let me explain. Listen, lady. You can't take a daughter from a mother unless you're a bigger star. This is a third world country. Marge, I know this sounds nuts, but I never have the joy. You have a child to hug me at the end of the day or a chance to pass along when I know I'm going out on a tour. She's got all the making of a star talent, smarts, and a star-shaped head. Perhaps you didn't hear me. Here's your coat. Mom. Mom. Mom, please. You were going to let me go to band camp for a month where people break curfew and exchange reads. But this this is the opportunity to live my dream. Come on. How many chances in life do you get for that? None. I've been here. I've just been quiet. [Music] I guess I can't deny you this. All right. Oh, thanks, Mom. And mom, if you look down how she'll be this kid will turn out. Just look at all of them. Mom, I appreciate this so much. You'll be the first person I thank at the Tony's after the great Angela Lansbury. Bye. [Music] Good night, kid. Would you read to me before I go to bed? Green Gables. I did the audio book on this. If chapter 10 sounds like it was Peter Folk, it's because it was. So, I guess you don't want to read it again. How about I give you some showbiz advice? Every piece of advice someone gives you will turn out to be wrong. Particularly wrong for people like me who seem knowledgeable. He's already out. You watching Channel 6 right now? Hurry up. Hurry up. Ah, nah. Too late. The cops cleaned it up. Jazz Buzzy, my director, the man who's ruined production since flu season. Lady, my star, my muse, my god. What have you done to your face? Where's the lampshade? This is Lisa Simpson, the sex prodigy who's going to blow life into my act. Show him, kid. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I wanted an audition, not a recital. You're in, kid. I mean, heartfelt. Are you sure you set it up right? Yes. Then why aren't we skyping? I don't know. Maybe Lisa is drugged out. My daughter is not drugged out. Maybe she's just sleeping late after partying at Disco. How do you know about all-night disco text? We have disco stew in this town. Mom, he's a resource. Use him. How are you, sweetie? I'm good. I'm good. What happened to your voice? I don't know. Labor rehearsals cheap root beer. But I'm great. We're heading to New York. Who's watching you? Sunny on sticks. Do I hear syncopation? I was thinking maybe you could come home a little early. I'm sorry. I got to go. Take five is over and jazz is all about following the rules, you know. Come on, guys. Don't I get a puff? I really have the munchies. Got to get her back. That's the things. We're heading for New York. We should get a place there. We go so often. [Music] I can't believe I'm going to be performing here. I already got my ticket. So many seats. Damn it. Lose the electric car. Dad, just cuz I got hit by lightning that time doesn't make it electric. Shut up, boy. [Music] How may I help dear friends? Our car broke his dad. Springfield English accent. You must know my ultra-liberal cousin Ned Flanders. Oh, he's brought such shame to our family with his lip hair and two marriages. And you know he's left-handed. [Music] Can I please use the uh little bearded boy room? [Music] How deep did thou digest? Dirty hands. With God's grace, it will be enough. [Music] There's no How about in the sky? The sky? You want to know, sweetheart? You were there when God created it. There go shave a coconut. I turned down Transformers on Broadway for this. I was a Megatron-sized fool. Twisted Chinuette was set to play Sam Wiki's mother. This is how mad I am. Fade the black. You can't be serious. I said fade. Everyone, meet me back here in however long it takes to wake up from Valley. Hey man, how'd you get that seat? [Music] Showtime lady. Time to see if there's still a spark left in that smoldering thoroughly log. You call a Hey lady. Mo, I need you to make me feel confident, strong and beautiful. Well, I'm not real good at boosting self-esteem here, but if you make a mistake, I can fire my gun. And that's what the critics will be yapping about tomorrow. [Music] That's not encouragement. Those are your lyrics. It's come true, baby. [Music] But baby, you'll be great. [Music] Don't worry. Four tickets, please. I'm sorry, ma'am. The show is sold out. Reasons that elude me. My daughter's in there. Yeah, we all got our problems. I'm a ticket seller for a dying heartful. Hey, you're a union man, right, brother? Why don't you say so? I have no choice now but to make her up. In you go. [Music] Lollipops. [Music] under the guise of soliciting from Broadway. Wait, wait, look at our little girl. She's got jobs. Honest to goodness, chops. Letting our daughter go on the road with an 80-year-old diva and some sketchy jazz guys was the best decision we ever made. [Music] Mom, that was the greatest night of my life. Hey, when does the show start? It did. And it was wonderful. She's been bitten by the show, Bisbug. When that happens, only working with Bruce Willis can extinguish it. Okay, just finish out the tour. We'll see you on Pittsfield. No way. Pensfield ain't happening for this little scene stealer. I love you, Lisa, but you got a bigger old vision than me, so we can never share the same stage again. What? How could you say that? Show business lesson number seven. Just when things are going great, they pulled the rug out from under you. Bad news, lady. We're shutting down. Never cleared the rights to everything's coming up roses. See what I mean? Also, we're going to need that rug. Mom, suddenly I really want to go home. If you go, let me give you one huge piece of advice. At the 8th Avenue site, then catch a cab and circle back and away. I go. Well, lady, you sir, you still got me. [Music] See how his house is a brass door knocker who lives here and Jacob all the way from pencil diddly vania. I see still using the devil's diddly. Well, I must confess I I do overdying. And I see your house is lit by Edison's witch lights. Who's holier than down now? Ned Homer, you've shown me that I'm guilty of the sin of pride, and that just makes me love you more. Oh god, I'm stuck in a sandwich. With side orders of love and forgiveness. We didn't have much in Springfield, but we always had water. Then one day, the rain stopped. Then the rivers dried up and a drought of Chicago's proportions began. Attention [Music] friends and neighbors. As you know, I possess all the remaining water. [Music] Why do we keep reelecting this guy? Take your mind off. I will sponsor an old bar battle to the death among our cutest children. Makes sense. What sickles? Why don't the ugly kids die? One child from each neighborhood will be selected to compete as their champion. The last child standing in a pile of his fallen trunks will win a day of aquatic fun at my personal reservoir. [Music] Good luck to you all. Squeeze that water like a Tucson swim up while I'm bathing.

With a dog's ton. Okay, sweetie. I didn't a bunch of weapons in your suit. Mom, I can barely move.

[Music]

I could use a walk.

[Music]

You just died. Who are you? They call me Hish. I'm your coach.

Huh? It's hard to believe you can coach anyone. If you don't think I can, try watching just a few of the hundreds of movies with characters like me. Also, I sober up in the middle with no difficulty, just like real alcoholics.

Welcome, children. The games will begin in 10 seconds. Do not step off your pedestals before.

Before what? What? What? I miss.

[Music]

The only thing I want to kill is your sadness. My name is Peta, like a healthy bread. My name is also PETA, like the animal rights organization.

[Music]

Did someone order two dead kids?

[Music]

You can come out now, homage. What about all the birds? That was me.

[Music]

Wait a minute. We don't have to kill each other. Now you tell me. People of Springfield, we have the power. With all our new fighting skill, we could toggle Burns. Or we could do it peacefully at the ballot box. That nagging of yours is just what we need.

[Music]

Right in the back like a coward. I am

[Music]

saved. We really should have left it in the reservoir. It was all for nothing. We're doomed. You're saved. Well, if you were God, it's me and my big bones. I just don't need the winter clothes. I'm a god in this reality. Sure, why not?

[Music]

11 12 13

[Music]

Why Why did my best friend have to die? I mean, it's a great college essay, but it's not worth it. So sorry you lost your best friend in such a cool tragedy, Lisa. Since you're interesting now, you can be our best

Really? That would be so

We now bury Sherry and Terry, survived by their brothers, Jerry and Larry, and their father and mother, Mary and Mary. And now, some light remarks by comedian Drew Carey. There was some sort of stake. I thought I was doing a Microsoft event. Who would have thought a funeral for a couple of kids would be such a downer? Everything seems big to a child, but a few weeks. Losing three friends in two days is something you'll laugh about. And I'm here for you.

Really? Think of me as your best friend.

[Music]

Blackman. Mrs. Simpson. You are the prime suspect in the murders of two normals in a twin set. Well, well, well, well, well, well. Look what we have here. Well, this matches what we found on the lawn mower and the picture in the therapist office. Sparkled nail polish, but I only wore that. Thanks, Mr. Training. Wow. Stop recovering here. You're dead. Get out of the way.