Transcription
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Well, welcome to day three. Today, we're going to move in depth on that first of the seven master steps. How do I really understand and appreciate this person's world? If I'm going to influence somebody, I've got to know what already influences them. I can't judge them. I've got to appreciate them. How can I do that in depth? I think you're going to find the session very impactful and, frankly, a lot of fun.
But I want to introduce you to my partner in this process, Dr. Andy Freyray. He's going to partner in some of the introductions here to help guide you through this process because as we go through these days, you're going to be hearing from me in different ages and stages of life because I've developed so many tools over the years that some of them I don't teach currently in a program, and yet those tools I still use.
So I want to know a little bit about Andy's background. He started out working for Procter and Gamble and then became an entrepreneur. So he's been on both sides of the fence, where you're creating change in a big organization or changing a smaller group of people. In fact, he grew his first company from one person to a thousand employees in just a four-year span. And he collaborates weekly with CNN Spanish division as their expert entrepreneur. He graduated with an economics degree, magna cum laude, from the University of San Andres in Buenos Aires, and he's also been to Harvard Business School. He's been distinguished by the World Economic Forum as a quote, "Global Leader for Tomorrow," and by the Endeavor Foundation as Latin America's Entrepreneur of the Year. I can't think of somebody better qualified to be a partner in this process than Andy. Andy, take it away.
Thanks, Tony, for that kind introduction. As Tony said, my name is Andy Freyry. I'm excited and privileged to be here with you on your leadership journey throughout the course of this program. But first, you might be wondering, who the heck is this guy, and what's up with this weird accent? Let me spend a couple of minutes telling you a little bit about myself.
I'm originally from Argentina, but my grandparents are originally from Italy, and I now live in the US. So I consider myself sort of a citizen of the world. Developing leaders is my true passion. For the last 15 years, I've been supporting both the creation of new companies and also the development of non-profit organizations, doing work such as developing entrepreneurs in countries like Turkey and India. I created companies in the office supplies industry. I created an office supplies company that was sold to Staples with 1,000 employees, but I also supported businesses in the computer gaming industry, in the beer industry, in the coffee brewing industry, in the trade show industry.
But my current passion, my baby, is a company called Excellent. Excellent is a global consulting firm with presence in over 20 countries that works with probably the largest companies in the globe, trying to support them and help them make their leaders become much more engaged and connect with a sense of meaning at a completely different level. So what we do with these leaders is help them find ways to engage people and connect with their sense of increased passion and excitement in everything they do, both at work and beyond.
So I've worked in a leadership capacity in business for many years, and it's been extremely rewarding. But I've got to tell you, sometimes I think that being a parent may be one of the most fulfilling and challenging leadership roles of all. I am blessed to have a wonderful wife and three kids and to also have the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of others through my work. Leadership goes way beyond our contribution at work or in our businesses. It has the ability to make a lasting impact on others, and even the world.
Now, that may sound like an idealistic view, but think of those leaders in the world that have made a huge impact. Whether it's Martin Luther King, Winston Churchill, Mother Teresa, or Gandhi. Each of them had their own unique leadership styles and made a huge contribution in the world. Just one person making a huge difference. Or think of someone in your own life that has made a real difference. Maybe it was a high school coach, a teacher, a parent, or even a friend. I'm guessing if you're listening to this program, you too want to have some sort of impact, and for that, I honor you from the bottom of my heart. I truly believe the tools in this program will help you refine your leadership and give you a new approach to creating lasting change.
But before we begin today's session, I want to tell you that the audio you're going to hear in the coming sessions includes truly rare content that has been taken from Tony at live events. These sessions are the best of the best of him teaching this content. While they were not all recorded professionally, we thought they were too valuable not to be included. As you know, with Tony, magic happens in the most unpredictable places, and we're grateful to have had someone there to capture it. So I'll be checking in with you throughout these next eight sessions, and I'm excited for the adventure and learnings that lie ahead of us.
Today, we're going to start looking at our first of the seven master steps. Step one: Understand and appreciate their world. When you start to understand and appreciate another person's world, you cut to the core of what drives that person. And you know, this might sound pretty easy to do, but let me tell you, it's not that easy. You know what the main problem is? We tend to see the world the way we are. We have our own filters and our own lenses to see the world, and it's very difficult to be able to stretch and see the world other people see through their filters and not ours.
It is critically important to really take the time to understand a person and know what influences them, what they want, what they value, what they are afraid of, or what they believe in, in order to see the filters through which they experience their own life. There's a fantastic piece of research conducted by Piaget. Piaget was a famous researcher. He loved working with children. And the story says that while he was with this five-year-old child, he decided to paint one face of the cube in red color and the opposite face of the cube in green color. And then he would go and show the five-year-old child that the cube had one face that was green and the opposite face that was red. And then what he would do is he would stand in front of the child holding the cube and he would ask the child, "What color do you see?" And the child would say, "I see green." And then he would ask the child, "What color do you think I see?" And the child would say, "Green."
And then he would go back to the child and said, "Well, no, do you see there's one face that is red and the opposite face that is green?" So now, let's do the exercise again. So now he would show the child the red face and he would say, "What color do you see?" And the child would say, "I see red." And then he would ask the child, "What color do you think I see?" And the child would say, "Red." And then he repeated this exercise a hundred times, getting always the same result. So you can see how hard it is to transcend something that is very much ingrained from our childhood that would allow us to be able to see someone else's world from their own filters and not ours.
Now, remember this: you can't influence someone when you're judging them. As Tony said yesterday, to influence someone, you have to know what already influences them. In just a minute, Tony will share with you some incredible tools and distinctions on how to really understand a person at their core and to understand what is driving them. We call this next session "Your Model of the World" because we're all unique individuals and see and experience the world differently.
Throughout the years, Tony has identified and crafted a blueprint of key components that shape who we are and the way we live our lives. He has chunked these into three distinct components that make up your model of the world. The first thing he will talk about is what's called your driving force. Remember the six human needs he talked about earlier in the program? When you look at what drives a person, you will be looking at which of these six needs they value most.
The second chunk is called their guiding force. In this session, you will learn the seven elements that make up this guiding force, what Tony calls their map. We will go through what these seven elements are and even give you an example involving a man named Jim to show you how Tony elicits someone's model of the world. The third chunk is what Tony calls their fuel of choice. What are their habitual patterns of emotions that shape who they are and how they look at the world?
I gotta tell you, today Tony is gonna go over a lot of information. So if you can pull out your manual and reference the notes, it will really help. This is probably the most detailed step of the seven master steps. You may even want to go back and re-listen to this session a few times since there's so much great information. So without further ado, let's get started here. Once again, is Tony Robbins.
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If I want to influence somebody, if I want to have an impact as a leader on any human being, then the first thing I know is what already influences you. If I try to influence you with what influences me, that's going to work on people who are like me, but it's not going to work on everybody. So our first job is understanding. In fact, we're going to talk about understanding the world, and it just comes from one organizing principle: to influence other people, you've got to know what already influences them.
So if we're going to talk about what influences them, let me chunk that up for you. Really, what we need to know is three things. If you think about somebody's model of the world, the most important thing that you know before they open their mouth, the advantage you have in leading anyone is you know what they need. Every one of you know what they need. How many buy into these six needs? That they are the fundamental needs behind anything? Say "I." In the last 16, 17 years since I figured them out, I've used them every day of my life in every business situation where I'm trying to figure out what to do, and my family and myself. I mean, they are these fundamentals. All roads lead to Rome. These six needs will guide you to what's really going on. They help you answer the question of "why?" Why does this person want to kill somebody, and the other person wants to sacrifice their own life to save somebody? What makes somebody a Jeffrey Dahmer? What makes somebody else, you know, a king? What makes somebody be willing to do anything for love, and somebody else just happily blow people up? But why? Because they're after the same needs. They have the same exact needs. The crazy person that you think is so crazy, and the person you love is your dearest friend, they're after the same targets. The only question is the sequence they've organized these in, and the guiding principles or the map. The guiding principles, what I call the map, that they use to figure out how to get there. Everybody's got a map, a set of beliefs, a set of values that guide them on how to meet these needs.
So when we say we want to influence somebody, we want to know, understand the world. When someone's talking to me, I'm listening at multiple levels. I'm listening for their driving force. What it is is when somebody's talking, I'm looking to see which of these six needs are their top two. What are their top two? Because that's what's driving their whole life. That's what's at least driving this conversation right now. What is the driving force in them right now? Is it certainty they're after most? Is it significance? Is it love? Is it variety? Right? What is it? Are they trying to grow more than anything else? Because that tells me the trajectory of their life. That tells me so much about their life. Someone's life is number one value on earth, number one need on earth, is to grow no matter what. Are they gonna make different decisions? Is someone's number one need a certainty? Yes or no? A little or completely different? Also, it tells me where I'm gonna have leverage with them, because we know that one of the steps we're gonna come to is getting leverage. You all know that, right? That's so critical. Where are you gonna find your most leverage? And what they value most. And I don't mean value like, for example, their car or making money. That's a value, obviously. But I'm talking about the need they value most. That's where the greatest power is going to be in influencing a person. So I'm listening because I'm going to figure out how to use that to get them to make a shift. So what are their top two when they're having a conversation? That's going to be because that's their driving force.
Then I'm looking for what's their guiding force or their guiding principles. And their guiding force is I'm listening for the map that's guiding how they're making decisions. Let's say we have two people, and they both want love. But let's divide this map into seven kinds of beliefs. First type of belief I'd listen for are global belief systems. Global BS. You all know global BS. What's a global belief? A belief you have about women, about men, about white people, black people, brown people, about Brits, about Germans, about Americans, about French, about Aussies, right? Any belief you have about a class of life, people, situations, experiences affects a lot. For example, if somebody believes that their whole life is about love, and they have a global belief about, let's take an example like time. How much is a long time? How much is a little time? Okay, who here has a radically different belief about time? Come on, somebody has a radically different belief. Yes, ma'am. How much is a long time for you? About five years. Five years is a long time for you. Okay. And what's a short time for you? A week. A week. Okay, fantastic. Give your hands. Somebody else who's got a totally different idea of a long time. We've got a radically different idea of a long time for you. Yes, sir. How much is a long time? Give a hand. [Applause] Five minutes. Five minutes is a long time. What's your short time? Five seconds. Five seconds. Okay, give me a hand. One more. Who's got one that's a long time is a long, long time? And he got one of those? Who's got one of those? Yes. How much is a long time? 100 years. Give me a hand. 100 years. I want this in a short time. By me, a millisecond.
Now, those beliefs just about one area of life. Are those beliefs that affect just one area of life or their whole lives? This man right now, "this is a long time." What was his answer? "Not long." I bet his wife knows that too. Are you married, sir? Yes. Does she know that about you, sir? What's your name? Jim. Jim. Does she know that about you, Jim? Uh, look at Jim pulling on his ear. What was that little nervous twitch? Jim, does she know that about you? Yes. Yes. And the people you work with? You work with some people. What kind of work? What kind of work do you do? Burger King. Burger King restaurants. You don't. How many do you? Um, 12. 12. Why don't say how many you own? Because when he says to me, "not long," I know it's not one Burger King he runs. How many follow that, right? So just in the very beginning, it was 12 Burger Kings. Now, tell me something. Tell me, what do you believe about life? What's life about? A journey. And the journey is about what? Life's a journey of what? Like traveling a path from A to Z. So your travel path from A to Z. So you know what the path is? Yes. Okay. And what if the path doesn't turn out the way you thought it was? Just a little detour. Little detour. So when it does, you go from A to Z, and there's a few detours. And what's the reward of the journey from going from A to Z? Uncertainty, variety. Uncertainty and variety is the reward, as long as it's a variety you want, and you've decided you're going to get, right? That helps. [Laughter] Okay, what else can you tell me? And what's relationship about? What's a relationship for? What's it about? Partnership. Relationship. It's no fun to do it by yourself, right? And what does a partner do? I want to say, push you, but uh, push some of your buttons at the right times. Push. Push you. So a partner helps to push you. What else does a partner do? Support you. Support you. What else does a partner do? Love you. No matter even if you get up the path. Love you even if you're off the path. That's why you picked her, isn't it? Yes, sir. That's nice. What's her name? Vaughn. Is she here? Yes. How are you, by the way? We just learned a lot about this man. Oh, I just come at him and I said, "Let me, let's say I've used this technique." What do I say to him? I say, "What's your name?" Jim. "Jim, I'm going to tell you something. The way you're doing this screwed up." Look at. He didn't know what I'm talking about. He's got a reaction, right? Jim is a person who has a fairly strong identity. So the first thing I'm looking for, I'm listening for some belief systems. All I did right now, these things would show up in conversation. All you have to do is listen. But you can ask people different questions. There are some people in this room who think a long time's a hundred years, and some people who think a long time is five minutes. Will that affect the way they deal with their children? Will that affect the way they listen to you if you're going to try and lead them? Yes or no? A little or a lot.
Now, in addition to that, I'm asking, what life's about? Life, they're going from A to Z. So Jim's here to figure out the A to Z in this process. He wants to know the systems. He wants to know how to make it work. Just cut to the chase. Show me what works, right? Jim. Amen. Amen. [Music]
And so Jim's style works really well in an environment where he can lead at Burger King, because at Burger King, you can lead with an authority position. So Jim has the capacity to lead people who see him as superior to than they are. But that's a leadership that's like the military. Because if they don't do the job, what do you do? Talk to them. And then what do you do? Fire their ass. That's right. But "talk to them" was the nice part. That was supposed to sound good. But how long do you talk to them for? Not very long. No. I, I haven't set up, or they have their, their chances. Good. Their chances. And what position would that be? Superior, equal, or inferior? So it's a part. But there's nothing wrong with that, because frankly, in the position you're in, you have to use that. In, in the mode you're in, the place you're operating where speed is of the essence, right? Yes. I mean, everybody's got to work together. They've got to live by the system. They're going to produce the system, or you're out of business, right? Right. The challenge is, you get rewarded for that behavior continuously in one context, so much so that you're financially successful. You have 12 Burger Kings, extremely financially successful, man. He also has certainty in his body, by the way. Does he value certainty? Where would you say, out of the interaction so far, what would be one of his top two for you? What would you say one of his top two of his six needs would be? Certainty's gotta be one of those top two, would you agree with that? What else would you say? Is it quick? Significance? Now, I didn't hear any of the word in the room. Do anybody say anything other than significance? No. So out of 300 people, one person heard something. What did you see differently? I'm curious. Security. Well, security would be certainty, right? Same thing. I appreciate you bringing that up, because whenever you use a word, especially in English language, all a word is is a representation for a series of feelings, and we all have different linkages to linguistic representations. So in my world, security would be another form of certainty, for example. So you've got it. You've got significance and certainty. Does that mean he doesn't value love? How much does this man value love? Did you see the look on his face when I talked about his wife loving him, even if he got off the path? That look. Look at that smiley face. Well, I do every now and then. You're right. I'm sorry. I do get off the path. None of us do. Only, only you, Jim. Are you making forgiveness in advance, Jim?
So here's what's interesting, though. I'm not the only one. Yeah. No, I know. I don't know me either. Well, here's what I want to see with Jim. And first of all, I thank you for playing with us this way and being honoring us with your honesty and your placement. It's fantastic. Now, what I want you to get, though, is we all want love. Jim is just a love bug. But Jim has learned that you can't be a love bug and really have certainty. If you love everybody, someone's going to hurt you. If you open yourself too much, someone's going to screw you. Been screwed before, Jim? Many times. Business, personal. Who else has had this experience? So Jim figured out a new strategy. Said, "I'm going for certainty and significance." Because if I'm certain and significant, I'll have enough within me. I'll feel good enough about me that I can have love. And along the way, he found the partner to share it all with. So if he gets off the path, he knows he's still going to be loved. It's a pretty amazing gift. And I honor you, ladies. It's one of the greatest gifts in this world. Great to have that. Glad. Yeah, it's fantastic.
So now we know his motive that's driving him. Now he has a motive for love. He has a motive for variety. In fact, he believes that if I'm certain, it's significant enough, I can enjoy the variety. Remember? And say that that's the reward. One of his forms of variety is love, by the way, right? He allows himself to feel that feeling. Or he isn't quite that strong exterior that he's got. The fact that he's in this room, other than maybe his wife helped him to be here or not, I don't know who initiated it. Also shows that he really wants to give. He wouldn't come here unless it's there. Now, at some level, he may be here just to master all the A to Z skills and came to leadership for those fundamentals. But he wouldn't stay in this environment because he'd get, you know, there's too much of that lovey-dovey in here, you know what I mean? Hugging and hopping. So there's something inside of him that's appealed because we all want all six needs. But his lead systems, as he's organized himself, it's not what he really is driven by. We're all driven. The bull's life for all of us is a life where we're contributing, because that's we have a life of meaning. When you meet all your first four needs, and you make yourself feel certain for the moment, or you feel that variety, the excitement of something new, or you feel significant, somebody puts the stars on your charts, or gives you a billion dollars, or makes love to you a certain special way, you feel that connection. Whatever it is, those are all sensations, and they don't last. They all are temporary, aren't they? All those good feelings are temporary, because it's all about you. The only lasting sensation is who you become, because that gives you a lasting pride. That's something that doesn't go away. It's not based on somebody giving you a compliment, giving you a kiss, giving you some money, you know, having the variety for the moment, watching a movie. It's something that's lasting because it's in the spiritual realm. These are our spiritual needs: to grow and to contribute. So we have that experience of growing. That's the most juicy thing to motivate anybody you're going to lead, by the way. Because if you're wondering, there's three ways to lead. One is fear. And sometimes we do that without even knowing we're doing it. Sometimes it's not us, it's the environment that produces fear, or it's not fearful for us, so we don't think it's fearful for anybody else, because we've mastered a certain area of our life where we have control, right? So Jim has an environment where there is some fear. Sure, I'm sure there is. I bet there's some incentives. Do you have incentives to help your people, inspire them to do more? Yes. Yeah. So the incentives will be the second way. And incentives are great. But what's the limitation on incentives? What's the problem with incentives? Short term. That's right. You're today going tomorrow. That's right. And there's only so much you can give, right? There's only so much profit. There's only thoughts. And I'll tell you the worst thing. When you incentivize people continuously, after a while, they start thinking, "What are you going to give me to do that?" Exactly. And the worst part of that is not that they're asking, "What are you going to give me to do that?" Because whenever you're only doing things because someone's going to pay you to do it, or kiss you to do it, or love you to do it, or you're doing it because you're going to get a reward at some level, you can't feel great about yourself because you know you're not giving. What you're doing is trading. You're horse trading. How many follow? Now, we all do this. We have to do it in some aspect of our lives. But the only lasting form of leadership, the only lasting way to motivate people is growth and acknowledgment. Whenever somebody feels like they're growing and they can be acknowledged, they can acknowledge within themselves. That's the driving force that never ends. Because with that growth, every time we grow, there's more of us to be able to give something to somebody else. So every time we learn something, it's one of the reasons you're here, probably, whether you know it or not. I want to learn this. And as I learn, it'll make me feel certain, make new things work in my own life. But wow, I'm going to grow, and I'll have something I can give my kids, or my family, or my friends, or my co-workers. Some of you already call people on the phone and work with them, or my parents, or whoever. That's the coolest feeling. That's a lasting feeling. And there's no feeling better. I've been doing it for a quarter of a century, and I can tell you, every day of my life, I get to see the gift of it. A dozen people coming out and telling me these unbelievable stories. I was in LA today, and I was sitting in this, um, lobby of this hotel, a very small, intimate hotel, and I was there trying to have a business meeting with somebody, and I was interrupted five times. But it was a great thing for the business meeting. It was China Phillips came up, and Billy Baldwin, who I haven't seen in years. Billy said, "Tony, I just, I'm sorry to interrupt you." He said, "But I got to tell you, remember you worked on China like eight years ago? She couldn't get on stage." He said, "She's doing a concert for five thousand people in Santa Monica Pier here in a few minutes. She's coming back. She's doing this whole thing. I just wanted to know, we thank you so much." Right? And one after another, after another, it came from those pieces. And where they came from is, I never did it because China Phillips years ago, I just, I couldn't see her, couldn't do anything because I got on the phone, I did it, and it comes back, and it comes back, and it comes back, it comes back because there's pride in what you've become and what you've given. There's excitement in what you get. There's pride in what you've given, and pride lasts, and excitement doesn't. Nothing wrong with excitement, but it can't be the driving force in your life.
So what I want to show you first is I'm listening for his driving force. What else am I listening for? His map. The way he's going to try to meet these needs, all six of them, but especially his certainty and significance. And we know a lot about his map. We know some of his global beliefs because I asked about a few of them. How much is a long time? How much is a short time? How we started. What's the relationship about? What's life about? By the way, when you ask those questions, are they interesting questions? Because as soon as they ask the question, sure enough, many other people in this room, you're going to start to engage. So people answer these questions. All you have to do is also listen, because whatever people tell you about their life, they're telling what their life is about right now. It's not hard to see, at least at this stage.
So I'm listening for global beliefs. Second kind of part of their map, I'm listening for. I'm saying the global beliefs, I'm listening to here their identity. Now, I could be wrong in my language here with Jim, but certainly part of Jim's identity is he is an achiever. Is that fair to say, Jim? And a leader, right? And he's a successful man. These are pieces that are very important to his identity. How many got that? Just listening and watching him right now. That helps me to understand what's going to influence him and why he's going to listen to me about anything. If I can't show him how this, in a short period of time, the A to Z of how to get the job done and produce some real measurable results, then anything I'm talking about is basically both to him. He's not going to be terribly interested. So to influence him, I now know how to communicate in a way that will influence him.
Now, me, I mentioned no, there's a part of me that's like Jim. I have 13 companies, a foundation. So I understand. I understand that mode about time. I understand what it takes to achieve. So I can step into that world, and I can go with Jim head-to-head, back and forth. You gotta have a lot of fun together. We can learn from each other. There could be a real balance between he and I. There's some pitching and catching. I don't just have to pitch Jim, I could catch with Jim. That's inviting as a relationship. That's inviting in a leadership mode, because that means we can both lead each other, bring things down the line. How many follow? And in that mode, by the way, as I'm talking about that, Jim is engaged. Even though we haven't said anything, have you watched Jim's face? Am I right, Jim? Jim's going like this the whole time. I haven't said what we're going to do. All I've talked about is a relationship like that, and Jim's like this already, right? Because what I'm doing is I'm entering Jim's mode. I'm entering his world. I'm going to influence Jim by entering Jim's world.
Now, part of what will help to influence that is I respect you. Anybody I'm listening to, I'm not just listening to their driving force or their map. I should tell you, I'm also listening for what I respect about them, because that builds a relationship. Because you can't fake it. Sometimes it's hard to find when somebody's behaving in an interesting way, right? But I'll look for something that I can respect about them, or I can like about them, even if everything they're doing is despicable. I'll respect the intensity in which they're doing it. I will find that. Because once I find that, there's a different relationship between Jim and I as I talk about him this way, than if I just said it with words but didn't feel it inside. He'd get that I'm just saying it to work. He'd get he's saying this to try to manipulate me. So unless you have that connection with them at some level.
So while I'm listening, I'm not just, I get to tell you, I'm not just trying to analyze Jim, I'm trying to understand Jim's world and appreciate it. Does that make sense? Not judge it. Put this down as a principle: You can't influence someone that you're judging. You're just not going to. You're not going to be able to influence somebody while you're judging them. You're not going to get through them. When you care about them, when you feel for them, when you appreciate them, that's when you're going to be able to influence them. And I don't care if you're a telephone salesperson, you're listening on the phone, you're a leader. Your job is to take that person who's calling you and find a way to lead them to something greater in their life that meets their needs. I don't care if you're a mom and your kid's coming up to you. Your job is trying to figure out how do I take this child where their needs are. But I'll tell you something, if you treat your son and your daughter the same way, or both your sons the same way, you're making a mistake because they're not the same people. And you're going to influence one really well, and you go, "How come I can get through to my daughter so well? How can I get through to my son so well?" But that daughter of mine, I can't get through to at all, because you don't understand their world.
This is traditional psychology or psychiatry or traditional leadership. It's an authoritarian piece where you look at somebody, you judge them, you label them, and then you drug them if you're a psychiatrist. I mean, isn't that what they do today? Look at you, label you, give you the label, what's your pathology, and then drug you because it's better living through chemistry in most cases. That is inhumane. That is completely inhumane. What six human needs psychology is about is a humane approach. Step one: understand their world. And to understand the world, you understand three things: their driving force, right? Their governing forces or governing principles, their map. And I'll tell you the third one right now: where they live. Where they live, which I'll explain in a moment.
Let's go back to the map. So global beliefs, I'm listening for. I'm hearing them. You hear them in conversations all the time. Second, identity beliefs. Because what he believes he is, is how he's going to show up. Even if, let's say, for example, we're talking to Jim, and we give him some great tools or skills that can change his life, if he sees those tools as inconsistent with his identity, he ain't going to use them. How many follow? What's the phrase? The strongest force in the human personality. The strongest force in the human personality is the need to remain consistent with how we define ourselves. There is no stronger force. We must stay consistent with our own personal definition, whatever it is, good or bad, doesn't matter. So if we think we're a cool guy, and that's who we are, and we're going to be cool no matter what, even if we're a jerk, we're going to see that we're cool. If you believe you're a conservative person, you are going to. You could try all you want to be outrageous, but you'll never stay in that mode because you've got to get back to that sense of identity, because it's the base sense of certainty in anybody. The strongest force in human personalities is that need to remain consistent with how we define ourselves.
So here's a man who defines himself very strongly with some very clear rules. Life is about achievement. You go from A to Z. You follow the plan. If you get off, you may get off, but it's only a teacher, or you get back on. You make it happen. Life is short. Time is short. Make it happen. You get a great partner, they love you all off the path. Get back out there and do it. Find out more. Do more. Create more. More, more, more. He's like going like this. Yeah, that's me. Okay. Anything outside that piece will not happen until there's a shift in his identity. And to shift somebody's identity takes a significant emotional event. Like all of a sudden, if something happened like he had a heart attack, or the doctor came to him and said, "You have cancer. You have three months to live." Now, my bet is he'd go, "I will find the way. There's an A to Z to this." And because of that, he probably, he's got a better chance of surviving with his mentality than most people do. He'd have the personality, he could make it happen. If he doesn't get defeated by it. But I'll tell you what happened. He might start to reevaluate time completely. He might actually shift to, "You know what? A minute is eternity." He might actually shift to, "I'm about to die because my son, you know, that I really love him at the level I want him to. And I said to my wife, what she really needs to hear from me. Have I connected with God? Do I believe in God?" And all of a sudden, he made a whole new set of evaluations of this whole map of his, especially about who he is in my body, my spirit, my soul. Am I going to hell or heaven? Am I going to die or not? All of a sudden, there's a whole new set of questions, and everything in this man's world could be shifted, maybe for the better. Maybe he lives, and maybe after living, he reorganizes all of his belief structures. Maybe his whole map changes. He develops a different identity.
By the way, with identity, the third kind of belief is called values. And if you've been a Date with Destiny, you know which ones you had, which ones you've decided to have. Because all values are things you believe are most important, aren't they? What was Date with Destiny? Significant emotional event designed to do what? Just get you to ask some new questions, get you to evaluate things, bring different emotions of consequence. How many of you just now had some feelings show up when I was talking about Jim? But feelings about you raising up. Those feelings are about you, or about your life, or someone you love. It's very easy to create change. I will tell you this: change happens to people when they least know what's happening. All change happens in a trance. And you're in a trance anytime you do what you just did, because you go inside for a moment. You're not out here, you're in here. While you're in here, new connections can happen. And so when you're busy doing this stuff we're teaching, I will tell you that every technique we've taught you only works because at some level, they don't teach us anywhere else. But I'll tell you, did you put somebody in trance? Whenever someone tells a story, and you're listening to the story, you're going into trance. See, if I wanted you to have an experience, I could tell you about the fact that on my birthday, had in February, my wife has these national days. We have these national days. She just declares it. Today's National Date Day. She says, so, you know, years ago, after a seminar, the next day's National Day Day. I don't take any calls. I do anything. That's National Date Day. It's just what we do. It's a national day. So we had a national, uh, forget what the language of it was, national, uh, home days or something like that. You know, but what we did was we went back to where I grew up, and I took her and showed her my town, and the little house that I lived in, and I hadn't been there in about 18, 20 years. It was a lot smaller than I remembered, even. And, uh, I remember going to this place, and I don't know if you've ever gone home to your old grade school, or your own high school, or seen some people that lived there, or walked in the home you once were in, and gone in the room you grew up in that you hadn't been to in years. But it's a trippy experience. There's something about being in that place where it happened. It's different than just remembering it, isn't it? And I videotaped the whole thing. It was amazing. I remember leaving there, and I cried, and I just cried, and I thought, "God, I am so grateful to God." Because how did I get out of there? Because where I grew up was not, you know, I don't talk about it much because it sounds so trite, but it was not a good place. It was not a good time. And no one else in my family, their life didn't turn out even close to mine. They all think I'm a freak of nature. They love me, and I love them, but they all think, "Where that he's, he came from somewhere else." They all have different theories about how he turned out this way, right? Because nothing in the environment should have created it. But I'll tell you what created it: unbelievable love of people, and initially, frankly, a desire to experience that love, wanting that love too. So I figured out my map of the world was, life's all about love. But to get the love, you got to be able to contribute. So this was mine: contribute love. That was my driving force. I've switched the order, thank God, in my life, because I always had to give something first before I thought I was worthy of love. And I had all these maps I developed about how I would have to achieve and help everyone on earth have their life be better. I kind of like how it turned out. It's pretty cool. And now I've modified it so it's more human and more humane to me and the people around me. But it was a magnificent plan because I had so much drive, because the place I lived was such an intense place of emotion with such intense focus, and the maps I developed, I modeled from people who had succeeded in various areas, and I had such a driving force to make it happen. It worked out pretty well. So I was coming back, and I was just thinking, I was so grateful to God, and I was thinking about how fortunate I was, and what really made all that happen. And that made me start to think about this process I'm showing you right now. And by the way, when I told you the story, I told you for several reasons. I wanted to go on a journey. How many of you went back home? How many remembered a moment where you were back in a place where you'd once been, when you're going back to visit, you actually felt being there or saw it? How many were there in detail? Let me see your hands. So you don't have to worry about putting people in trance. They go there quite naturally. All you have to do is tell a story. If I want you to think about your sister, I can talk about mine. If I want to remember your high school days, I don't have to ask you about yours. I can tell you about mine, because this is the way the brain functions. It opens up those places. As you go in there, while you're there, since I'm doing it consciously, most people's stories, and they're in a trance. Now, sometimes I'm doing that too, but most of the time when I'm telling the story, I'm telling the story to put you there. So can you change someone's physiology by telling a story? Can you change their focus by telling a story? Can you change their emotion by telling a story? Can you make them make new connections and maybe reform some of their maps just by asking a few questions while you tell the story, right?
The fourth thing I'm listening to is rules. That's another set of beliefs about what has to happen for those values to be met. And we know some of his rules. I asked him some rules about his wife. Did you hear me ask him? I said, "What's the relationship about?" You know, he gave me some of his identity metaphors for his relationship. It's about partnership. It's about support. Uh, what do they do? They push you. That's one of his rules. They're gonna push you. He knows she's gonna push, right? What else do they do? They love you even when you get off course, even when you get off on the detour, because people are going to. And he tells you rules, you were going to get off course. And if you really my partner, you love me during that time. That's a real important rule for him. That also means that if he and I were going to work together, one of the greatest ways I could bond with him is if he screwed up and I didn't beat him.
up about it because if he saw me come to him and I said, "Hey, I've done that. Don't worry about it. No problem. Let's just let's work on it together." That bond between he and I would be so solid because I've entered his world, the way his world works. How many followers? Now, there's some human nature in that as well, but in his case, it's a very important rule structure of how life's going to be.
Some people's rules are, "I only respect people who come and confront me." And if you came and said, "Hey, it's no problem," they don't respect you. Different rule. So that's why you can't do the same thing with everybody. You can learn as much as you need to to lead anyone because if you're around anybody and you're bright, you pay attention, you're going to start absorbing this like it's going crazy. And most of you already doing this. I'm just going to give you an outline that works.
By the way, there are seven elements of the map. Number five is, "I'm looking for vehicles." What's number one? They're global. Good job. What's number two? There. Because think about global beliefs. It affects everything, right? Your beliefs about time, your beliefs about life, about death, your beliefs about people, your beliefs about God, your beliefs about destiny. You shape everything, don't they? Your beliefs about what it means to have children. Then the second most powerful set of beliefs are identity beliefs because these are beliefs about you. Yeah, life may be this way, but this is who I am. That's how it's going to show up regardless of what I believe.
Then how do I know my identity? Have certain values. How do I know what those values are based on? I have number four rules. How do I make sure I can make all this happen? I have vehicles. One of his vehicles for meeting his needs is, "Say it out loud." What's one of his vehicles for meeting his needs? His business. In fact, his business is, is that a primary way he meets his needs? Yes or no? How many of the six needs do you think he tries to meet through his business? All six. Certainty, variety, because business is always changing. Significance, because he doesn't just have one business, he has 12 and he's growing, right? Significance. He's one of the best. He's growing, expanding. Connection, got all these people and environments and situations. Growth, that's what his business is. And contribution. All of his needs.
What's another primary vehicle for meeting his needs? What's the primary vehicle freeing his love need? What would you say it would be? Uncertainty. Both. Quick. Which one? His wife. So I'm looking for what the vehicles are. It's different for everybody. Some people, it's God. Some people, it's their body. By working out all the time, that's their primary vehicle to have certainty and it feels significant and get connection with people. "I got this great body." Whatever vehicle they pick tells me where his fear lies. His fear lies in money. You may not have it now, but if you've screwed with it, you'd watch fear come out from him. If the economy changes, something happened to his wife, we know where his deepest fear will lie. I can predict his fears. I can predict his problems if I understand his vehicles.
And then number six is situation specific beliefs. I call them infield fly rules. He may have a belief right now that's affecting his life, and it's a belief about Mary, Paula, or John. And I believe about them, and that they're his enemy, and they're screwing up his whole life. That situation specific belief is going to guide him about what he's got to do or not do in this area as well. And the last one is a set of beliefs or understandings of the mind called meta programs. And I'm not going to explain that to you right now, but in essence, it has to do with how your brain processes information. So this is a broad map, but is this useful to you? Yes or no?
So when I'm listening to people, here's what I want to know. I want to know their motive. What's behind it all? Why? What's their motive? I want to know what's their motive. I'm looking for their driving. Which is their top two? What needs? Which another word for that is your their preeminent needs. Because everybody's going to meet all six, but two of them, they hold as preeminent. He really wants love. By the way, but operationally, how he lives, preeminence is certainty and significance. Right? Which one would you put first? Certainty or significance? Almost all of you said certainty. I would agree. But I don't know if that's really true. I would say we need to hear more to be certain. But boy, certainly is a huge part of him. They're so neck and neck. My bet is that your first gut was right, but it's certainly first. He wants significance even more, but certainly, he has to be certain he's going to be significant. Very important.
Second thing I want to know is what are, if you know their driving force, what's their guiding force? Their guiding principles? Their map? There are seven elements. Tell me what they are. First one is they're global. Fantastic. Number two, there. Number three, how do they define their identity? There. And how do they know if those values gonna men are not there? And how they can know how they're gonna get to it or not go? And ultimately, there may be certain individual situations called situation specific beliefs. And what's number seven? Meta programs. Finally, I don't know where they live. Which is what's the pattern in their body? When I wonder how someone's life is going, all I got to know is what's driving them, what's guiding them.
And the third question is, and I make it look like energy, a big circle of energy, and that's the third symbol. And that is, where do you live? What is your fuel of choice? The third component is where you live. The fuel of choice. What fuels all human action? What do you use to produce the energy to look at your rule book and decide what things mean, what you should do? What do you use to get yourself to take what you know and do something with it, good or bad, and different to try to meet your needs? And the answer is the force that drives it all, that fuels it all, is human emotion. And when I say, "Where do you live?" what I mean is, out of the thousands of emotions you could feel in an average week, if you had to write down all the ones you feel at least once a week consistently, not once a year, I guarantee you, if you did it, it's less than a dozen emotions for 90 percent of this room, maybe 98 percent of this room.
There are 4,000 emotions that we have words for in the English language. 4,000 words and all kinds of feelings. I have words for. Oh, like they're all kinds. We only have words for 4,000. The average person, and I've done this for 28 years and every virtual culture in the world, I've done it with tens of thousands of people, I've done it with a few hundred or one in 28 years, I can tell you the average is a dozen feelings people experience regularly. So they got five or six good feelings. They feel happy, happy, excited, excited, worried, worried, frustrated, freaked out. That's where they live.
For example, on 9/11, I was in Hawaii. Anybody there with me? Wow. You all know what it was like. Three o'clock in the morning, we get the phone call. They wake me up and say, "One of the towers was just hit." We didn't know the terrorist attack. I said, "Great. You know, I appreciate you telling me this." I said, "Let's find out more. Call me in the morning." Shortly thereafter, the next tower gets hit. Then all of a sudden, we begin to realize what's going on. Now, we have people from 80 different countries, I guess 50 actually, at that particular event. We're translating four or five languages for people of every religious belief. There are people out celebrating, and there are people out crying hysterically. There are people who think because of this event, it's the end of the world. These are the end times they read about in the Bible, right? Other people are saying, "This is retribution." Right? The Quran has taught this. Other people are saying, reading the same book, the Quran, saying, "This is horrible. We need to pray for these people." Didn't matter what the religious belief. What happened to do was their map of that particular book, right? How many follow what I'm talking about here? Like killing innocent people is not part of the Quran. Anybody says that's a Muslim belief, that's no, that's somebody's map about that book. Now they've interpreted how to meet their own need for significance or certainty when they felt insignificant.
Point is, all hell is breaking loose. So we got to figure out, bring everybody together. And here's the first thing I noticed. Angry people were angry. Sad people were sad. Guilty people were guilty. It didn't matter what it was. One more motion to the Red Cross, and she was guilty. She wasn't there helping people. And you know what? She's always guilty. This one woman was so angry, she was spitting stuff. A woman stood up and shared that the first night, the night before, I'd done the speech on stage about death. I wasn't planning on doing it. I was getting up, it was the explosion of life mastery. I came flying out of the ceiling. If you've ever been there, blew through this thing, magic appeared, lasers, and then I, boom, stood there, and everybody's clapping like crazy. It's a total fun event. We'd always practice. And I had this thing I would normally say. And for some reason, I didn't say anything. I was going to say, "No plan." And I said, "What would you do if you knew you were going to die in nine days?" Never done it before in my life. I've done that event, God knows how many times. Not part of the design, not part of the outcome, nothing. And I just, "What would you do? Who would you call? What would you change? What truth would you tell? How would you really be? What real part of you would show up that you've been hiding, even from yourself? What would you go after?" I went through this whole piece. I said, "I want you to live the next nine days as if you were going to die. If you're going to live with that fully, what would life be like?"
And this woman, as a result of this, the next morning is when this happened. Middle of the night, she called this man. And she shared on stage, she said, "I've had this man who's been wanting to date me. He's been wanting to have been dating me, rather. He's wanted me to marry him. And before I left, he asked me to marry him. And I told him no." My fiancé. And he said, "Well, if you go to that event, it's over between us." And she said, "Well, if that's how you're going to be, then it's over." She said, "After I heard you speak," she said, "I thought, you know what? I really love him. The only reason I'm not doing this, I'm afraid of getting hurt again." Because her previous boyfriend, when she was engaged to him, he had gotten murdered. So she just was so afraid of opening up again. She said, "I realized I can't live that way anymore." And she said, "I called him." It was the middle of the night, midnight our time. Three hours later, New York was struck. He works in the World Trade Center. And she left him a message on his machine saying, "Honey, I love you. I want to tell you, call me when you get up. I want to marry you." True story.
And then he got the message. He called her back, but she was asleep. So she had the message. She played it for us a few days later. She recorded it off the machine there, saying, "Honey, I love you. I can't tell you what this message means to me. But, uh, kind of an interesting development. He was on the 110th floor or something, 102nd floor, whatever it was. He says, 'The building's on fire, and I'm going to die.' He said, 'So I just want to tell you I love you.' And he said, 'I, you're probably wondering why God would do this twice to you.' And he said, 'I think probably what it is is, don't wait next time, you know? Live every moment. Love every moment.'" We were all just bawling, and it was just, it was unbelievable.
So she sits down, and she actually, at that point, had been through shock and pain. She was like, seeing it as a gift to some extent. And this woman got up, and she was screaming. And finally, I went to her group because she was creating such an uproar. She was so angry, and she should go to war with these people, and she figures we should kill them, and on and on and on. She doesn't even live in New York. Doesn't know anyone in New York. She lives in Iowa. Anger for her is like, she called it rocket fuel. It's like it gives her power. She says. So she goes there. So people go where they live, and then they blame the environment, they find the stimulus in the environment to trigger this, and then they use their map to guide themselves to get there.
By the way, when she got really angry, which of her six needs would you be meeting? Tell me one quick. Significant. Zero to ten, how significant is she? And how many people respond to her? Everybody. She had everybody responding. Hers. If she had the biggest issue in the room, and she was choosing to be involved. 4,000 people die a day of cancer and heart disease. 3,000 people died in those towers. It's a horrible event, but you can't be selective in your compassion. Think about it. More people die every day of cancer, disease, today, and no one reported about it. Nobody talked about it. No one's waving any flags. Nobody's lighting any little candles. And no one's really committing much of a war on either those diseases. It's all about what we focus on. We use the environment to meet our needs. What other needs did she meet by being really angry? Quick. Which are the six needs? Certainty. On a zero to ten, how intense? How much do you think she got a certain amount of zero to ten? Ten. How much connection do you think you got in response from other people? Not love connection, just connection. Pants. You got people paying attention. Never would. Anytime it meets at least three needs, if it comes in. Are you getting this? Do people have a bunch of different emotional states they live in? Are usually about a half dozen or less? Half dozen or less. And how do they get to those states? Any way they can. They create problems if necessary. They create ways to get there. Where they live is the states that they live in. Where they live is what they focus on most often. And where they live is the language they use. Does your language trap you into a certain place? Yes or no? If all the language you have is constantly about the problems, the difficulties, the insanity of your life, will we know? Will that continue to keep you in a certain location? Yes or no?
What's the only thing that's going to shift this? Is a significant emotional event. Who can generate a significant emotional event? Anyone. If you don't do it for yourself, life will offer you plenty of them. Can you go through a significant emotional event and just reinforce your own model of the world? This map we just drew? Yes or no? Yes. In fact, throughout your life, you're going to find out of your need for certainty, you'll have periods of time where you know how life's supposed to be. Like Jim knows how it's supposed to be, A to Z. You do it. That's how you go. But then sometimes there's a marker. It's different for everybody. Some people happens annually, some people it's every five or seven years, some people happen once in a lifetime. But out of the need for variety, there's a point when something happens and we question. And questioning is a good thing. You just don't want to question every day, you make yourself crazy. Can't make any decisions. You for always question. But at some point, you may question. You say, "Is this really the right road for me?" And one or two things happen. You say, "Yes," and you recommit to the same life and model of the world. Or you say, "No, it's slightly different. I'm going here instead." Because your model of the world will be shaped most rapidly by your driving force. For example, if you're headed for, let's say, your whole desire in life above anything else is certainty. Let's say that's going that direction. If a person is driven by uncertainty, variety, they're going to go in a completely different direction. Does that make sense? If you're completely driven in life by significance, and that's what you want to achieve. If you're driven by the idea of love, you're going to go in the opposite direction. How many follow?
But straight down the center, the spiritual drive for all of us really is growth and contribution. The ultimate contribution we make is love. So when you give love, by the way, you get to feel it. When you grow, you get to have that sense of variety. When you grow continuously and you're filled with love, you have certainty. When you're going through these preeminent needs, you tend to find yourself able to meet all the others. But they all bring you on a different path. So I'm saying, understand someone's world. How many of you have just broadened your own map about how to think about it? Say aye. Is this helpful?
So does this help you see how to begin to understand and appreciate someone else's model of the world? Isn't it amazing how each of us have our own filters? And how beautiful it can be to really start learning how other people see their own world through their own filters? Let's do a recap to really hammer this in. A person's model of the world is made up of three chunks or three forces. The first force is a driving force. What are the needs a person values most? And specifically, what are their top two needs? The second force, the guiding force. This is a person's map, and it has seven elements. Remember, as we go through each one, you can elicit these elements by either actively listening for them or by asking questions. In your manual, you will also see a list of questions to help you with these seven elements.
So let's recap each of these elements. Number one, global belief systems. These help you understand what generalizations a person has made that control many decisions he or she makes in life. If you hear someone saying something like, "All men can be trusted," or "Good luck never happens to me," you've learned one of their global belief systems. You can also ask questions like, "What's life about?" "What is abundant in your life?" or similar questions.
Number two is identity. Identity is simply the way you describe yourself to yourself. Identity beliefs shape everything that a person attaches himself or herself to. Questions to elicit this can be, "Who are you really?" "What can you be?" or "How can you expand your identity right now?"
Number three is values. Values are ideals that are personally important and meaningful to an individual. To understand a person, you really need to gain clarity on their values, or what they want to move towards or away from. Some questions you can ask to understand this are, "What do you want?" "What do you desire most in life?" or "What do you really fear or find yourself avoiding most in life?"
Number four is rules. Rules are the determining factors in our decisions about what has to happen to experience our values. For example, someone's rule might be, "In order to feel love, I need to be told I love you every morning, at night before bed, and at least one other time in the day." Where someone else might have a much easier rule to meet, like, "I feel loved when I see love in others." Do you see how someone's rules can really affect how they go through life? Some questions you can ask to help discover someone's rules are, "What must the person do or never do in a relationship?" or "How do I know I'm successful?"
Number five is vehicles. Vehicles are the method a person uses to try to meet their needs. These vehicles can be positive, negative, or simply neutral. You learn more about vehicles in a later session.
Number six is situation specific beliefs. Situation specific beliefs are the beliefs a person has about a specific situation or context. As Tony said, these are the infield fly rules. This is where you could ask someone, "When would you break your own rules?" An example of this would be, "I would never kill someone, ever in my life. Murder is really wrong, unless someone hurts my child."
Number seven and last, meta programs. Tony didn't elaborate on these, as this tool could have taken up a whole separate session. Now, while we start mastering these seven elements, I'd like to give you a quick little tip on eliciting someone's model of the world. And that tip is, ask questions. Questions can be one of the most powerful tools, especially if they're the right questions. Now, the amazing thing is that we don't really ask so many questions, do we? I conducted a piece of research recently, trying to observe the dynamics of very senior business meetings, and you would be amazed by the results. 95 percent of people's interventions were only comments. Only 5 percent of them were questions. In fact, what I often observed is what I called hostile analysis, which was something energetically like, "When I was wrong, I tended to see the world the way you see it." Or another thing, which I called paternalistic advice, which is saying something like, "Well, you know, let me tell you how you should see the world." Isn't it amazing? People simply spend most of their time just saying what's in their mind. It looks like people aren't even thinking or really considering what other people are saying. Now, I invite you to observe this same dynamic at work with friends or over dinner. You probably see, maybe it's not a 95/5, but you'll see the power of questions in the context of any dialogue.
So as we wrap up, I want to give you an assignment. Go out there and find at least one person to talk to, maybe a friend, family member, co-worker, or even a stranger. Find at least one person and ask them some questions to begin to elicit their model of the world. By the way, I suggest you look at your manual to give you some ideas for some really great questions. The most important thing, though, is for you to begin to practice understanding someone without judgment and appreciating the unique soul that they are. And have fun with this. See you tomorrow.
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