Transcription
So you're trying to quit pornography, and you're thinking, "Right, the best way to do that is going to be doing semen retention." Should you actually go ahead, or should you just maybe continue having sex, maybe masturbating from time to time, and just focus on quitting porn? So that's the question, right?
Well, I had a client only the other day say to me that he wants to do eight months of semen retention. And I found that interesting because I've kind of gone down a similar path before, where I've said to myself, "Yeah, I'm going to do like one year of semen retention. Going to be really, really productive. Put my energy into the right things. Maybe make some more money, maybe build a really aesthetic body, get my stuff sorted out. And then I'll be okay to have sex, and I would have overcome this problem with porn and compulsion."
The reality is, if you are choosing in your head to quit something for a certain period of time, all you're ever really going to do is temporarily get this problem out of your life, and then bring it back into your life again in the future. It's future thinking. You're considering something in the future, but really, what matters right now is changing the addictive neural pathways that have that sort of been created due to looking at porn. It is porn addiction, which we need to tackle. And I think once we change the porn addiction neural pathways, then we can start to consider, "Okay, do I want to do semen retention or not?" But from my experience, trying to deprive yourself of a certain thing for a certain period of time, it's never going to work.
And what you want to do instead is choose to permanently change addiction into your pathways and have permanent mental freedom. I really, really wouldn't advocate people to do like these temporary challenges that everyone's doing nowadays, where, you know, you maybe do like one month of push-ups or something like that. It's like, "Okay, yeah, that might be enjoyable for a month, but where's the actual consistency?" Like, what I do personally is focus on the habits that I want to integrate into my life, which I can actually have permanently, like sustainable habits. So, you know, maybe if I just go to the gym three days a week, but do that consistently, well, I'm going to put on muscle, I'm going to get in good shape. If I eat healthily pretty much every day, and maybe have, you know, a cookie and some slightly unhealthy food now and then, and it's all quite reasonable. I'm not like considering, "Oh, I need to be on some super strict diet again." That's going to lead to actual sustainable, consistent success. And that's what I do.
You know, last night I cooked some really good food with my girlfriend. We had like some tofu, we had some rice, we had some pak choi, broccoli, bit like soy sauce, and some other vegetables. And yeah, it was quite a nice meal. Probably would have preferred some chicken, to be honest with you, but hopefully she doesn't hear this. And then what did we have? Oh, yeah, then we had a cookie afterwards. It's like, "All right, yeah, we had a cookie. Bloody hell, it's not like a big deal." But so many people nowadays are into like this fitness dieting extreme thinking, where it's like everything has to be super perfect. And then they end that diet, and then they're eating like six cookies or ordering like a Domino's straight away. And it's like binge eating. And it's like that is never going to lead to having good, stable, grounded mental health, and it's definitely not going to lead to actually being in particularly good shape either.
Semen retention, it's very similar to dieting. It's like, "I'm not going to have sex for a certain period of time." And I remember when I was in Portugal, I've told the story many times, but I was doing semen retention and I was trying to get to 90 days. And there was this girl I really liked called Danny, and I wanted to have sex with her. Essentially, we got on really well, we were both attracted to each other, and we were flirting a lot. And we didn't have sex because I said to her, very straight, "I'm doing semen retention." And I said to her, I think I have said, and probably used these words, "I can't have sex with you." But I'd created this prison within my mind of not being able to do a thing that I actually wanted to do. And it's just not a healthy way to live. I ended up relapsing anyway with porn. Like, how crazy is that? Like, I was trying to do semen retention, I ended up masturbating on my own, looking at pixels on a screen. That's where that deprivation thinking, this challenge mentality, actually got me. It didn't help me change addictive continual pathways, which is the real goal. The real goal is peace of mind, consistency, being able to live the way you want right now, today, every day. And that doesn't change based on some weird prison that you've created for yourself.
But the rest of the world is obviously going to try and create these prisons for you, these mental blocks, these ways to live our life confined in a certain way. But it isn't productive, and it's not going to lead to real, lasting, permanent mental freedom. So what's the alternative, right? What's the alternative? I think the alternative is just choosing to quit porn for good. Personally, I can't see how porn could ever bring any benefits to anyone's life. And so I would definitely focus on eliminating that entirely, like 100%, which is 100% possible.
And then, in terms of semen retention, I mean, for me personally, like I'm doing a half marathon on Sunday. So I just signed up to that actually yesterday because I was like, "Well, I'm doing a marathon in February in Seville, and I know I need to start doing some training." And a friend had a spare ticket, so I was like, "Yeah, let's do it. Let's start training on Sunday. Let's do a half marathon." So I'm doing a half marathon in Manchester on Sunday. I'll be staying over with my girlfriend Saturday night, and I'll choose that night not to have sex. Now, that's just like one night that I know I'm going to choose not to have sex because I want a little bit more vitality, a bit more energy. And I do know for me personally, ejaculating does lead to me feeling a little bit more energy, energy drain sometimes. So, yeah, that night, yeah, I won't choose to have sex with her. But then, like a few days later, if we're like being intimate and connecting well, it's like, "Yeah, maybe I'll have sex." For like, I'll just choose moment by moment.
But it's just such a different mentality. It's just about being like reasonable and not like going all in and extreme and having this like super motivated mentality. It's just bringing a bit more reason and balance and taking it day by day. And like, even if I went and had sex with my girlfriend on Saturday night again, like this is not going to be the end of the world. Like it doesn't matter that much. It's not that deep. And I just think doing these challenges is so unproductive, and it just leads to a lot of addiction. That's what it leads to, to be straight.
I think with porn, it's a different, it's a different thing entirely. 'Cause porn is, to me, it's like, yeah, that's just a no-go. Like porn, to me, is like taking heroin. I just, that's just a no. Like, that's not happening. But then there's other things like, yeah, like sex, or maybe masturbation for some people, where it's like, yeah, maybe you can bring that into your life in reason. But I think what it comes down to is probably the one word, which I think is really, really important to introduce here, which is intention. What is the intention? Because receiving attention, if you're doing that, and well, let's go back a bit, actually, what it's about really is about intention. But I think it's the intention behind having sex. So the intention for me behind having sex would be, yeah, just to maybe connect, you're horny, you want to have sex with your partner, 'cause you're with your partner, and yeah, why not? Whereas if I, the intention was, "I want to get out of the temporary discomfort of withdrawal," and you were experiencing some cravings, and you were in the addictive sort of part of the mind, then it's a different story entirely. And you'll know, you'll know which one it is, like whether you're actually just trying to get out of something or whether you just want sex and it just feels like kind of right and normal for you.
So I remember another time, like not actually too long ago, where I was experiencing some cravings, like cravings, sort of compulsive desire, you know, wanting to look at kind of sexual content, wanting to masturbate, all of that stuff was going on for me. And I was with my girlfriend, and I decided that night, I was like, "Yeah, I'm not going to have sex tonight." Like, this feels very much like I'm trying to get out of some discomfort in a way. So that night, yeah, I chose not to. But that's the thing, is it's just knowing, knowing yourself, knowing whether is this desire compulsive? Is this desire just spontaneous? And you can make that decision moment by moment. You don't have to go on some extreme challenge and get into this like compulsive state where you're depriving yourself of something that you want, that actually isn't that unhealthy in moderation. Because that's the thing, it's really about moderation. I think a lot of this as well, some things are healthy in moderation, some things aren't. Porn, to me, like no. Like, I just can't see how porn could ever be okay in moderation because porn just makes you want it more and more and more. Whereas I think with sex, yeah, you might have sex and want to have sex again. But sex isn't this thing. Well, I guess actually, if you're in a sex addiction, yeah, it could be. So, yeah, it does depend on your relationship to it, to be fair.
But overall, you will know, like if sex is causing you to just want to have, want to have sex again and again and again and again, then yeah, maybe maybe choose not to engage in that behavior if it is compulsive for you. But ultimately, what I want to get across is that I think you will know if a behavior is compulsive. What is the difference between compulsive and spontaneous desire? Compulsive is like you're always thinking about it, you're feeling this discomfort, you want to get out of this feeling, and it's like always on your mind, whether you're doing it or not doing it. It's just like going round and round and round. It's really, really compulsive. Whereas spontaneity, like spontaneous desire, is very different. It's like, I don't know, you're walking down the street and you're hungry and you decide to get some food. Or maybe, yeah, you're watching a movie with a girl you like, and you suddenly decide, "Oh my God, I just feel so attracted to you right now. I just want to kiss you," and you start kissing them. It's like that's spontaneous desire. It's not being on your mind for ages, you're not been going round and round obsessive thinking about this thing.
And I think semen retention is, it's just so part of that compulsive state. It's like you're thinking on some level, "I'm not going to have sex, I'm not going to masturbate." Like me telling this girl in Portugal, "I'm not going to have sex with you." Like all of that is just, just so compulsive. It's so unreasonable. It's not a healthy, balanced, good way to live, essentially. That's what I want to get across. So, yeah, should you do semen retention whilst going through porn addiction recovery? My answer to that is, look, the priority, the number one thing you want to do is change the addicted neural pathways of porn. And what I think it comes down to is, what is the intention of engaging? Like, what is the intention of of engaging with either porn or sex? Is it to get out of discomfort? Is this a compulsive desire? Or is it actually spontaneous? Do you happen to just connect with someone and you want to have sex with them? They want to have sex with you? You have sex, right? Don't put these like ideas in your head that doing X amount of months of semen retention is going to change addictive neural pathways. It won't. To change addictive neural pathways, you do is take a very proactive stance where every time you have an urge, a compulsive desire, you think it through, you make a choice, you rewire those addictive neural pathways, and you do that consistently and repetitively. Eventually, you get to a position where you've rewired the brain, you feel totally in control of yourself, you feel empowered, you feel like you've mastered yourself and your actions, and you can move on, and you don't really think about the problem anymore. Semen retention is almost the antithesis of getting to that peace of mind state where you're in control of yourself and empowered and know that you don't ever get out of control or engage in compulsive behaviors.
Thanks so much for listening or watching to this episode. Hope it has been useful, and I'll see you in the next one. Bye-bye.