Transcription
It's easy to become the person in the conversation who asks all the questions. You're curious, you listen well, and you discover that people enjoy talking about themselves. But if that's all you do, you will run into problems.
Maybe you run out of questions and the conversation starts to run dry. Or maybe you ask so many questions that it starts to feel like an interview. But the real problem with being the person who asked the questions is that people might like you, but they don't know you. And that sets a hard limit on how close or connected they can feel to you.
There is a second, more advanced skill we need if we're going to master the art of conversation and really connect with people. And that's knowing how to share more about yourself in a way that feels natural and engaging. Once you understand how to do this well, conversations start to feel more balanced and effortless for both of you.
So in this video, I'll give you my four-step bubble method to do this, so you can talk about yourself authentically and build connection without being boring or running out of things to say. I'm Dr. Thomas Fidyeman. I'm a clinical psychologist and an author, and I have spent years helping people improve their social skills and build real relationships.
Now, when I say we need to share more about ourselves, I do not mean diving in the deep end. That is not what we're doing here. This dumping or oversharing comes from going too deep and too intense too quickly, and often going negative. So we want to avoid both of these early on.
When we start to talk about ourselves to people that we don't know as well, we want to start up at the surface and then work our way like one layer down. That is generally the layer that people enjoy the most and where they want to spend the most time in conversation. So I want you to think about it as sharing personal but not private things. Good news is there's a lot of surface area one layer down in the personal range. There's lots of different aspects of yourself and your life that you can talk about.
Sometimes people think that opening up means revealing emotional, negative, or intense things, but it doesn't, right? You can connect just as much by sharing the positive aspects of your experience. You know, like what lights you up and why. It's not that talking about deep things is inherently wrong. With people that you trust and you feel close to, sharing deeper things can bring you closer. Depth is earned. Match the level of depth to the level of trust. If in doubt, early on, maybe don't get into the sort of things you talk to a therapist about.
Even if we avoid going too deep, we can bump into a different problem. So, years ago I was talking to a coworker who was getting annoyed when she was on a date with this guy, and he'd obviously heard some advice about how you were supposed to not reveal things about yourself in order to like be more intriguing or something. So, when she asked him what he did, he joked that he was a disposable lighter repairman, which is obviously not real. When she asked again, well, he kept saying that, and he wouldn't actually tell her what he did. Um she ended up getting quite frustrated and couldn't connect with him. That backfired.
Why is he doing this? I'm guessing that in the past, he probably gave that factual answer and had conversations that just didn't really go anywhere. I say that because I think we've all been there in some way. If someone asks you a question and you give a direct, honest answer, that will probably be great in some particular work situations, but it's not great in conversation. Because that question is also intended as a means to open the interaction up. And a flat factual answer does the opposite. I think of it like um shutting a door.
So, if someone asks you a question and all you do is provide the answer, then you've essentially closed that particular conversational door. And you force the person you're talking to to open the door back up with a follow-up question or to go find another door to open. And this is how we end up in those awkward "So, um have you seen any movies lately?" You know, as we search around for another door that might be more compelling.
So, the solution is not to withhold basic information about yourself. And it's not to invent impressive things. What we want to figure out is how to make ordinary information more engaging. I discovered that we can pull from the science of story and identify what makes something compelling. But, then we can combine it with the psychology of human connection. And when I was talking to Hope about this and how to put it into action, I started calling it the bubble method because this makes the strategies easier to remember.
Okay, and to be clear, our goal is not to just be entertaining. You're not funny like a clown. You're not here to amuse them. The goal is connection. So, we just need to keep people engaged enough that connection has a chance to happen. Because the problem with flat answers is that we really haven't shared the most interesting part.
Imagine someone asked me this, "How long have you lived in New York City?" And I'll say, "I moved here about 7 years ago. Yeah, it is great. I really like it." That's nice, but it's boring. So, I am forcing them now to ask me what neighborhood I'm in or why I like it or something. I'm also making them work hard to keep this conversation going.
Instead, let's go one layer deeper using the first piece of the bubble method by adding because. Yeah, I moved here about 7 years ago because technology was finally good enough that I could work remotely as a psychologist and so I had options, right? And I really felt drawn towards New York City because I just love that city experience, etc., etc. It is not a huge exaggeration to say we don't care what you did, we care why you did it. And that why takes us one layer deeper to reveal underlying meaning. And people become more engaged when they're learning why someone does something. There is a reason that all stories quickly give the character a motive, right? Someone they want to get or someone they want to avoid. So, if you're in a conversation, we don't necessarily need your deep psychological origin story, but people do like to know how one thing led to another and why we do what we do. So, when you're answering questions or you're talking about yourself, challenge yourself to add the word because. Don't just tell me what you spend your time doing, we want to know why you like it, how you got into it, or where you hope to take it.
If you want more practice getting down to this more engaging level, I made a worksheet exercise where I reverse-engineered what I personally do. So, it'll ask the questions that help you find the material you need. And I give my example answers to what I find are the most common questions you'll probably get asked. You can find the link below if you're interested.
But there's another strategy I find myself using even more than because. Jigsaws are only engaging when they're unfinished. And we don't reread mystery books when we know who did it. Our brains light up when there is a puzzle and we want to figure it out. Once it's solved, our attention moves to something more interesting. So, in story, the main character tends to have different sides to their personality, which often conflict. Like a hero always has a flaw. And when there is contrast and there's complexity and there's nuance, we stay engaged longer until we feel like we have a more cohesive sense of the person. One-dimensional characters are boring and they sit in the background. We, though, are not one-dimensional. We are real humans and so we have authentic complexity. So, we just want to find ways that we can reveal that.
One fun way to think about it is this. What are the things about you that people couldn't tell just from looking? And this is especially true if they contrast with the way you seem or appear. So, personally, I love finding out what people are weirdly into that you would not guess. I find this um it's really charming and I think it shows just a really likable side of somebody. I believe everyone has these and that they just don't necessarily lead with them. Like, for example, Hope is obsessed with TJ Maxx and I love Billy Joel and watching train videos on YouTube.
The next piece of the bubble method is use the word but to reveal complexity, contrast, and tension in your answers. It doesn't have to be deep to work. It could be like, I like X but not as much as I like Y. Or I really want to do this thing but I'm like bumping into this barrier. And one simple way to practice this is to just challenge yourself to add a but to whatever your first answer is.
So, if someone asked me, do you like Mexican food? Yes, I love it, especially burritos. What about you? That is nice and polite, but flat as a tortilla. Okay, let's add but. Yes, I love it. But, I never really had it till I moved to the US. So, Australia was not big on Mexican food at the time. And I could not believe it when I first had it in California. I think it's like all I ate in college. Good. We've now revealed some depth. We've revealed some complexity. People are getting to know you.
Now, ask yourself this. What do you find more interesting? A photo of someone or a video? I'm guessing the video. Now, let's think about why. The brain is attracted to movement and action. If something is still, it can lose our attention. So, let's bring that movement into our answers. So, we are not fixed and static. Our lives are always in motion. Something's always changing. So, add energy to your answer by using the third piece of the bubble method. Tell me what's going on lately.
So, one way I say this to people is, don't talk about what you do, talk about what you're doing. I like to travel is fine, it's nice, but I'm planning this trip right now. Or I'm thinking about visiting the Prussian consul in Siam. That has way more motion. Even though you haven't actually gone anywhere yet. Likewise, I'm getting more into architecture lately. Or I've been learning about something new. Also gives the answer motion. It tells us where you are with that topic right now. Of course, we can add movement in other ways. If we're sharing a personal story or memory, there's probably movement and action contained in it. Whatever topic comes up or whatever somebody asks you about, consider this. What is changing for you with that particular topic?
So, for example, if somebody asked me, "Do you have any pets?" Well, I mean, the answer is no. Like, no fur babies or or skin babies. But, that's a flat answer that reveals very little and it's hard to work with. Right? So, when I answer, I'm going to try to share my current relationship to that topic. So, I'd say, "Well, not currently. I used to. I think dogs are great. I love visiting both my parents' place and Hope's parents' place because they have dogs. Um it'd be great to have them, um but the way we live, it doesn't really work. So, there's a part of me that wishes I could have a dog, but I sort of became a dog uncle instead of a dog dad. I think you can see how talking about what's happening lately can add energy."
But, there's a difference between someone understanding what you're talking about, what you mean, and feeling like they've been brought into your world. A lot of ordinary answers stay too abstract. Right? Like, saying, "I'm more of an introvert." And, that only gives me the category that you put yourself in. You might be revealing something that's accurate, but the other person can't really picture it. And, if they can't picture it, it's actually a little harder for them to understand it, to feel anything, and to respond.
Even just something simple like, "Yeah, I'm more of an introvert. My favorite time is really early in the morning when there's no one else around and I can just read a book in the park." Now, they can picture the quality of the light, the quiet, the park, the book. It brings them just a little bit further into your world without you having to say a ton. If you can activate their imagination, especially visual imagery, it can help people engage with what you're saying. So for example, think about how compelling fiction books are. Like those are just a bunch of words on a page. But somehow using those words, we basically simulate an entire movie in our heads. Like we have that ability which is just nuts. So we can bring a little bit of that visual power to our flat ordinary answers. And don't worry, it doesn't have to be some big elaborate Victorian thing. You'll sometimes hear people giving advice around storytelling and their examples are like it's a dark and stormy night and his shirt was the color of freshly cut grass and the squeak You don't need any of that. Just give me something to picture. It could be a little scene, a memory, an anecdote, a detail. And the easiest way to get there is to add the fourth piece of the bubble method, for example. And yes, the E in the bubble method has a silent F. And that is allowed because I made it up. Adding for example usually forces you to give something that is more specific and more visual. And that's not only more engaging, it's also more helpful in revealing more of who you are, getting across like more layers of information than you would just by the abstract or giving the category.
But before you go use this, there is one thing that you have to do or none of this will work. So you know how important it is to be an engaged listener. Well, you also need to be an equally attuned speaker. Meaning when you talk, you need to be aware of how is this being received and then adapt accordingly. Do they look bored? Confused? Uncomfortable? Maybe they're eager to break in and tell you something. Or they're trying to change the subject. Or maybe they're with you, right? Maybe they're asking you follow-up questions, they're reacting in real time to what you're expressing. So, all of this will influence how you communicate because conversation is a co-created living thing. You're not just sharing more. You're sharing more as a way of strengthening connection to the person in front of you.
So, this video was about one half of better conversations, how to share more of yourself in a way that feels natural and engaging. But, the other half is helping the other person open up, too. And that comes down to how well you listen, how you respond, and the questions you ask. So, if you want to learn how to move past small talk and create conversations that feel more meaningful and connected, watch this video next.