Transcription
[Music]
Hey Justin, what's up, man?
Hey, how's it going?
We're doing all right, brother. How are you?
Pretty good. Excellent. What's up, man?
Well, I just, uh, I'm calling because I've, uh, found myself in about the past year or so, um, really struggling with like this short temper. Um, I find myself getting more and more angry, even when like there's nothing really going on. And I, and it's like, it's mainly at the people that I like care about the most. And, and I've realized, like, especially since I've got older, that, um, it just is seeming to be more prominent. And I don't really understand how to control it or combat it.
The things you get angry about, tell me about him.
It's, it's hard to explain. It's, it's more like little things that people say or that set me off. Or so.
Dude, what, what, what, what's this? Um, I mean, the way that you just said, like, gave me a perfect response. So thank you. Um, where is this pressure coming from? How old are you?
Hold on. How old are you?
22.
Yeah, where is this pressure coming from, man?
I, I don't know. I, when I, I mean, I felt like ever since I was a kid, I had like a little bit of a short temper, but I didn't really notice it until like, so growing up, I played baseball my whole life, right? Like I played Division I baseball. I was playing baseball my entire life. And then just about a year ago, I decided to quit and, and not play anymore because nothing was really panning out the way I wanted it to. And I feel like since then, I've kind of been more like sitting around, not doing anything, not like work, really working out anymore. I kind of feel myself just drifting away [Music] from like who I used to be. And I, I, it almost makes me feel guilty to the point where like, I feel like I've let a lot of the people around me down where I was supposed to be like this guy and, you know, playing the MLB or whatever. And none of that really panned out. But I, I also feel like I, I feel that a lot in like my relationships too, like just this short temper.
Yeah, dude. Oh, man. Um, right as I was leaving the university system, there was an increasing call to sit with athletes as they transitioned from being four years old and finding love and connection with their parents through their athletic performance. And that went all the way through the scholarship years and moms and dads saying things like, if you don't do this, you're not going to be able to go to college. Or you're really going to help us out, put us in a bind if you don't get that scholarship. And so these kids have been carrying their families, right? And then, yeah, they graduate and they tell you, they tell you only 1% of you guys are going to go to the majors. But all of us, cuz I was an athlete too, we looked to our right and our left, left, and we're like, yeah, it sucks to be those guys, right? I'm going to be doing this forever. And then you, dude, you just said it so eloquently. I hope you heard what you said. You've lost everything. Yeah. You lost how you connect with your loved ones. Are your mom and dad still around?
No, we moved a lot when I was young and they don't live in Monterey. They, they lived in Colorado.
No, no, but are they still around? Are they still in your life? You, you can pick up a phone and call them. Okay.
Um, yeah.
You lost like your whole identity from high school into college and probably in middle school was that guy that was great at baseball. And if you're a D1 player, you're probably good at other sports in in high school too, right? So you're always were that guy. And then you mentioned you lost your gang, you lost your team. Yeah. You lost a coach that has told you for the last four years when to go to the bathroom, when to stand up, what to eat, when to work out, when to get your grades done, all those things. And then you grad, have you graduated?
Uh, yeah, I graduated.
So what are you doing now for work?
Um, right now, I, I actually, uh, just finished. I'm in the process of, uh, becoming a firefighter.
Okay. So you're about to join a new gang, which is awesome. That's fantastic. So good for you. But you used a word that I want you to hang on to, and the word was drift. Whenever you transition for something, and this is military veterans, this is police officers, this is first responders, this is teachers, this is anybody who had a life that was in a gang, you can't just stop doing that and just kind of drift, as you said, into something new. Something else. Your body will scream at you. And for you, screaming looks like rage, looks like anger trapped. And those voices of your dad and your coaches and your teammates, the negative voices, man, they fill up your head real fast, don't they?
Yeah. It's, it's, it's actually scary. Like, yes, and I, I dealt with that when I was younger, like with the, with the negative stuff and holding on to it. But now it's like, yeah, you, somebody says I'm not, you performed it away. Yeah. And now you have no way to perform it away. And now it's raw again.
Yeah. Is that fair?
Yeah, that's, yeah, it's pretty true.
Okay. I felt like I had an outlet with baseball when with the negative stuff and, and all that. And now I, now if something, if somebody says something or if I, a little something like, like, oh, you know, you're, I don't know, like it just sticks with me now.
I know exactly what you're talking about. Here's why. Because you're, you're an exposed nerve. Your body knows that you got no gang. You have no, um, identity. At the nervous system level, your body doesn't believe you can connect with your parents. You even feel like you let them down. Yeah. And you probably had pictures of the houses you were going to buy them and the cars you were going to get them, right?
Yeah. I always talked.
Exactly. And somehow you think you failed them. As you're entering into a profession of dedication, dedicating your life to serving people in their worst moments, you're like, I'm a, I'm a loser. You know what I mean?
Yeah. That's madness.
When you hear me hear back, right?
Uh-huh.
Um, have you sat down and talked with your old man? What did he say? Or what did your mom say?
My dad's, um, he, I, I feel I've tried to talk to him about it. Um, I get a lot more of my like personality from my mom for sure. She's much more emotional. When my dad's more like avoidant. And I feel like that also plays into my personality. Um, I think it's just harder. Like my dad, his dad was like a, a really bad alcoholic, passed away when he was, I don't know how old, but I never met him. That's, I never met his dad. And he was abusive. And so my, when I grow, growing up, my dad was very like, not, I wouldn't say non-emotional, just not very like the type of person to like sit down and be like, hey, what's going on in your life?
Or your safest thing your dad did for you was he didn't deal with the emotions. He just shut them off. Like, I'm not going to let my bad emotions hurt my kid like I was hurt. And so I'll applaud him for that. I wish he'd gone one step further, but I applaud him for, I'm just going to shut it down. Yeah.
Right. And you kind of have done the same thing. You just did it with baseball. Yeah. Right. And at some point, someone in your family line is going to have to stand and stare down this rage that is wired into you. And at the same time, is lived out over and over and over again. I want to give you a homework assignment. And but you get to decide whether you do it or not, obviously. I can't make you. Yeah.
What would it be?
Like if you called your dad or visited? And when's the next time you're going to see him in person?
Uh, probably not till, uh, Thanksgiving or Christmas. They just came out and visited like about a week ago.
Okay. And was that a tough visit? Is that what you're calling?
Yeah, I just, I just feel myself more angry when they're here.
Okay. That makes sense. Like, terrible to say.
No, it's not terrible. No, I know. I just, I don't get it. Like I, it's almost like, and I live with my aunt and uncle here in Monterey. Okay. Um, and like even now, I feel myself like getting more angry at them or more angry at my cousins or whatever.
Cuz the world, the world, these relationships, bro, are not a baseball game you can win. Yeah. And you don't have that skill set. So if you just, to use baseball terms, you just keep getting put in the game as a DH and the pitcher throwing 104 miles an hour, and you've never taken batting practice. Yeah. You can't, you can't get mad at yourself because you've never had to do this thing. Here's what, what would it be like if you called your dad and said, Dad, I've been doing some reflecting. I've realized that the main way I've connected with you over the last 20 years of my life was through baseball. And I want to be intentional about having a relationship with my Dad. Yeah. Would you be willing to call us, call once a week and put on the calendar?
Yeah.
What would he do if you did that?
He'd probably be totally open to it. He, you know, he's very like, he's very understanding.
And don't get me wrong, he would, he was a really great dad. Oh, I know. I know. I know. I know. He did the best he could. All that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't, I think it's more like, I don't know how he would react in the sense like he's not like super emotional.
It's not about emotion. It's not about emotion. It's about your body knows this is, this was the way we connected and it's gone. Yeah. And you have to be intentional about. I've got, I've got to get an exercise program in a gang. I've got to get some guys that I hang out with. I've got to get, you're going to have a fire team there, but it's going to be very professional. It's going to be different than college sports, right? But you're going to have to do the hard work where you are in Monterey of dealing with these things. MH. Like, I've got to go get, I got to go replace these things. Like, I, we tell the veterans, you got to go get a new mission. I don't know what that is, but you got to go get that. You have to go get a new team. Yeah. And it can't be a baseball team. So it's just going to look differently.
What do you think at the end of the day, anger is?
It's, it points us in the direction of the way things should be. Things that we care about. MH.
If I ask you point blank, what are you, what are you so mad about? What would you tell me?
I don't know. I think you do. I think it, I think it's just I'm angry that I feel this way. Like I'm angry that.
What do you feel?
Yeah, I feel like I can't be normal. Like I have like this overwhelming anxiety. And I'm angry about having anxiety. And then I'm angry that like, even like when my relationships are going good, or even when they're like, even when they're going good, I feel like I'm self, self-sabotaging a relationship. I'm getting angry. I'm getting jealous. And I feel like that's been going on for a while.
What is your body, what is your body telling you with that anger? What isn't how it should be?
My life, I guess.
What does that mean?
Keep going. This is not what I planned it out to be. Okay. I'm stuck. I'm stuck here in Monterey. Okay. In a small town, living with, you know, my parents. I mean, not my parents, my aunt and uncle. And all my friends are graduating college. And, and I just feel like I'm like, I'm stuck.
There you go. Like, yeah, I'm doing this fire thing. And, and I really enjoy it.
But no, you don't. No, you don't. I don't even think it was your idea. Justin. You don't want to be doing this.
Yeah.
What do you want to do, man?
I don't want to, I don't want to be stuck.
Like, I know you are. And in ear, if you go back and listen to the beginning of the call, the word I was using was pressure, but it feels you're using the word stuck. And I love that word. It feels like somebody's squashing you. And if one person says one thing, it's just, it, your cup is like over. It's got that little bubble of liquid. It's all the way filled, all the way to the tip top. And one little eye dropper sends it over the edge. Yeah. And it could be one girl who doesn't text you back in five seconds. And it could be one cousin who's like, why didn't you hit that curveball? And it's just like, boom. Yeah.
Why do you think you're stuck? Like, why haven't you packed up and moved back to Colorado to get a job?
I, I don't know.
Why haven't you packed up and moved to Texas or Nashville just to start an adventure?
That's actually funny that you said that. I've actually thought about doing that.
Why haven't you? Texas specifically?
I don't know.
Why are you just worried about keeping too much of your paycheck? Because neither of those states have state income taxes. I'm just kidding. I, that was a little tax dig. But like, but you're 22, man.
Why?
I don't know. I, I met a really good group of guys here. Like when I, like about a year ago, when I was in a really, like, a really rough spot.
What were you in a rough spot about?
I just got out of this really toxic and terrible relationship. I was living in Santa Barbara, playing junior college baseball, just grinding, like trying to, you know, trying to get back to the Division I scene. And I got into this relationship and I like fell in love and kind of stopped caring about baseball. Had like the worst season of my entire life, was drinking a lot. Um, and then I just, I, this, this girl, we broke up and I came back to Monterey. Um, tried to play like a, a season of fall baseball. And then I was like, you know what? I'm done. Like, I'm done with this. And I just quit and sulked for like six months. And then, then I met these two really good guys that, um, are a little bit older than me. They're like 26, 27. Their names are Derek and Alex. And, um, they kind of just like brought me in and now I work with them. And I see him all the time. We have game nights every Friday.
But I just, that is great. I just still still feel like I, like even with them, even with these guys that I like care about so much, like even if they were to say something, like I'm getting angry about it. Or my parents. So I don't know.
We could talk for a couple hours. I would love just hang out because you've got a, you've got a good story. And I know you're only telling me a piece of it. Here's the deal. Um, those guys have been a great blessing to you. But that's not your gang. And you know that. And those guys are older than you. And they're kind of doing a good, they did a great gift. It gave you a great gift to lift you kind of out of this depressive, this thymic pit you were sitting in. And good, that's good for them. And I'm proud of you for getting up. Yeah. That doesn't mean that's where you have to stay for the rest of your life. My challenge to you is, I'm going to send you some tools. But my challenge to you is, imagine a life after baseball. Yeah. Because I want you to consider this. You've got 70, 80 years left to go. Yeah. If you make it to 100, you've probably dipped enough because you're a college baseball player. So that's probably 60, 80 years left to go, right? Yeah. So you got a long, long road ahead of you. Hm. And you're not going to like this, but it's the same as if you got in a batting slump and you had to go watch film of when you were doing really well. And you had to start doing the things you were doing when you were doing really well. You're going to have to choose to shake up the snow globe. Yeah. And it sounds like you have a, a family history of anger as a default setting. And your granddad drank it away. Your dad, um, just turned the whole switch off. And you've performed it away. Somebody's going to deal with it. Or somebody's going to end up in jail, right? Yeah. So at some point, you need to go sit with a counselor.
Are you kidding me, bro? I'm not going to a therapist.
I'm telling you right now, you have to. It's generational. It's part of you. Yeah. And you have to decide, I'm going to go do something bananas. I'm going to go move. And by the way, go move to Texas for two years. If it doesn't work out, go back. You'll be 24. Yeah. I got my first job at a university when I was 24. You're fine. We haven't started yet. Yeah. And by the way, the job I have right now that pays my bills didn't exist until I was in my 30s. There was no such thing as YouTube. Yeah. It was just the thing as podcast. Who knows what's going to happen when you're 30s? You see what I'm saying? Yeah.
I want you to relax, man. I know.
And I feel like I'm afraid if I don't, like if I don't deal with it now, because I've, I watched the show a bunch and I, and I, I listen to a lot of these dudes talk. And I'm like, man, if I don't deal with this now, I'm going to be that, you know, this guy in 30 years, 20 years.
You're very, very wise. But the, the mis, the misnomer, the misalignment that we have in our culture is that you can think your way out of this. You can't. You got to go act radically. M. You have to go be weird. Hey, Mom, guess what? I just took a job at a grocery store in Dallas, Texas. And it's going to be 8,000 degrees this summer. Bye. Hey, Mom, I just took a job managing a punk rock club in Houston, Texas. What? It's going to be fun. We're going to figure it out. Or I went and got my teaching certificate and I'm going to be a super 5A high school baseball teacher. And I'm going to work my way up. Baseball coach. I'm going to work my way up. Whatever you want to do. Here's the deal. You have to decide. I'm going to shake the system up. But I promise you, doing a job you don't want to do, living with your aunt and uncle and one of your cousins in a side bed in a town you don't want to be in, right? I'm angry for you right now. Yeah. That's my promise. You got to go talk to somebody about the deep stuff. And you got to start making some action-oriented moves right now.
So here's your homework assignment. Number one, I want you to reach out and call your dad and ask him that question. And I want you to ask your mom too. Both of them. We haven't connected in any other way except baseball.
Oh, yes, we have. Justin. Mom, we haven't. Dad, we haven't. So I want us to be one of those families that we have a great conversation, great relationship, and we talk on the phone a lot. Can we make a call once a week?
The second thing is, I want you to write a letter to 21-year-old Justin and tell him you're proud of him for quitting baseball and moving on. Okay? Because you're pissed at that guy. You're pissed at that guy for falling in love. You're mad at that guy for quitting baseball. You're mad at that guy for ruining your dream you had for how much money you were, you, you're mad at him for everything. Stop. Be, be graceful with 21-year-old Justin. And then I want you to write a third letter to 30-year-old Justin. And I want you to tell him about where you're living and why you decided to move there. And what an amazing thing you did, even though you were scared to death to do it. So that 30-year-old Justin could have a pretty amazing ride. Okay?
And if you do those things, I'm going to send you my buddy Ken Coleman's Get Clear assessment in his brand new book. It's, it's just a, what are the things you were put on Earth to do? It's a career assessment that's pretty amazing. It's finding the work that you love and then figuring out how to go do it. I'm also going to send you his book called The Proximity Principle, which teaches you how to get in a, get around people who are doing the stuff that you want to be doing. It's fantastic, man. And I don't know if you're a reader, but I'm going to send you one more book. It's called Own Your Past, Change Your Future. It's my first book. And, um, it's about walking through these stories, these anger stories. And you're going to hear old coaches' voices, you're going to hear your parents' voices, you're going to hear old teammates' voices, you're going to hear your voice. But you're going to pull the thread on that thing. And it will give you some things to talk about with a counselor.
At the end of the day, as the great Rage Against the Machine said, anger is a gift. It points us in a direction. It's when we take that out on other people. And we consciously create lives that we don't want to be living. But we do it anyway. We just keep showing up and doing it. And those words you used, I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like there's too much pressure. You're right. And the way out of that is just to move. And for you, it might mean moving down the street. It might mean moving across the country. It might mean just shaking the snow globe. All of us can do it. All of us. Go make it happen, my brother. Thank you so much for the call. And thanks for being honest. And for looking ahead to 50-year-old Justin and saying, I see where this, where this is going to lead if I don't make some changes right now. We need more men like you, Justin. Good on you. Go make it happen.