Transcription
Dismissible avoidant attachment styles in relationships don't tend to leave specifically from anger. Sometimes they leave from a place of numbness, fear, or actually things building up in the background. So, in the next 10 minutes or so here, you are going to learn the behavior that actually indicates a dismissive avoidant is gone and not coming back and how to stop chasing that closure that may not be coming for you.
So, we're going to cover four major signs that the dismissive avoidant is truly gone once and for all. And then most importantly, we are going to talk at the end of this video about if you are anxiously attached or a fearful avoidant, what you can do to truly start healing and how you can actually obtain closure, whether or not that person is a part of that process.
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So, first key point, dismissible avoidant attachment styles often sort of ghost or disappear when there are actually things taking place in the background first. So, we're going to talk about key indicators there. And essentially what happens is dismissible avoidance, they don't realize that they're being so hurtful when they leave out of the blue or all of a sudden or when they ghost somebody because dismissible avoidance often take a lot longer to attach to somebody else in a relationship and often detach in a relationship without the other person even being aware of it. And so what this means is that they go through these long-term patterns of either not really attaching and always keeping their walls up. And so early on into dating, if you're dating them for 3, four months and they suddenly ghost you, to them, if they got ghosted at three or four months, they may they may not be that hurt. They'd probably be a little bit hurt, but it might affect them for a day or two and they kind of move on. So, they don't think that they're being that hurtful to somebody else because they don't realize how big that uncertainty is or that lack of closure truly is for people of a different attachment style.
The second part of this and the second major point here is that dismissible avoidance often have unmet needs in relationships. And although they're often with very generous partners, people who really try to show up and give all the needs that they can to their person that they're dating or seeing, dismissible avoidance have such unique needs from other people that often kind of kind of go under the radar for other attachment styles. So, for example, if you're an anxious attachment sell or fearful avoidant, you might be like, I want to make this person feel validated and special and important and like they're a priority and that they're looked out for and you think of all these needs that you want to meet for the person. Whereas, a dismissible avoidant, a lot of the time they're looking for freedom and independence and autonomy and to be accepted as they are and a lot of very niche unique needs. So, they'll sometimes start to attach to somebody in a relationship. Then if they're going through these kind of longer term relationships, they may end up being like, "Okay, I have these feelings for somebody, but you know what? My needs aren't getting met and that kind of hurts and affects me, but they won't communicate." And so it makes it an unsolvable problem because somebody else can't read their mind. And then over time, they start slowly but surely disengaging, which then causes them to leave out of the blue from somebody else's point of view. But to them, there was like a slow burn of them thinking about leaving.
Okay. So, what are the actual signs you can pay attention to? And then what do you do if you're on the receiving end of this? Number one sign that you have to look out for is you start to see if you're looking back and reflecting on it, this slow burn of them disengaging more and more and more and more. If somebody disengages out of the blue after an argument, things like that, there's usually unfinished business and the person may actually return to that kind of dynamic. But if looking back on it now, you're like, you know what, we were kind of growing apart. We weren't seeing eye to eye. that's a decent sign that they're not coming back because they've usually thought about this decision across time.
The second piece is if they have some sort of prolonged conflict that they felt like they couldn't resolve. Okay? So, if there was something that was coming up where there was the same old argument, that is something that often causes the dismissible avoidant to be like, "Okay, we can't break through this. I'm just going to leave and not come back cuz it's not working out. We can't go on like this." The interesting part is that a lot of times these prolonged arguments are actually about things that could be solved if there was more transparency and just more vulnerability around communication from them. But a lot of times they're in learned helplessness there. They don't realize. So for example, you might see that you have this like same old conflict where they pull away and you know they don't tell you why they're pulling away or why they're shutting down and it hurts you and so you get frustrated about it with them and then they feel criticized. But the reality is that like if they were just more vulnerable, they could tell you why they were feeling the need to pull away to begin with and maybe say that they have a need for space sometimes. And you could come up with a strategy together to let them have their space sometimes, but also have quality time together. But because they're not communicating first about that that point of contention, then it makes it feel like it's not solvable.
Okay? So, just so you're seeing so far, cuz I know we're already covering a lot of things. I don't want to like pinball all around too much. But first thing is if you see them slowly detaching over time. Second thing is if you feel like there's a conflict that you really couldn't get past. It's another big reason dismissible avoidance will usually leave and then not come back. And then another big piece is if a dismissible avoidant is a really important sign to look out for, just never really communicated their needs. If they never really shared their own internal world with you, especially if you were dating them for a while, then that's a pretty big sign that like they might have felt unfulfilled because they were never communicating and never sharing anything about themselves. And your your job isn't to be a mind readader, right? So, it's going to cause there to be walls between yourself and the other person because they're not letting those walls down to show up, to communicate, and to be vulnerable so that they can feel truly seen and known, which is a really important part of how we do relationships.
I'll tell you the fourth point, but then most importantly, we're going to talk about what you do if you're on the receiving end of this. Okay? So the fourth point is that if a dismissible avoidant starts bringing things up to talk about flaws. If they say you're always doing this or you're always doing that right before leaving, it's usually a sign that they were kind of trying to communicate but didn't know how. There's a great saying that behind every criticism is just a need. Okay? And so if they were trying to be critical back and they were kind of trying to criticize in these small forms, that was usually their attempt to communicate a need, but they just didn't know how to do so. So again, it was just so easy to miss the mark there. It was so easy to not realize between the relationship dynamic that there was something there that wasn't taking place.
Okay, so these are some major signs that dismissible avoidant is leaving and not coming back. Also, if they're cutting off all forms of communication, like they literally do not communicate, that can be a sign that they've really closed the door for good. Like they don't reach out over text, you just don't hear from them for for quite a period of time.
Okay. Now, what do you do if you're on the receiving end of this? Because sometimes this is out of the blue, right? Sometimes this is when you've been ghosted or you thought everything was fine. You didn't realize that there was this big disconnection taking place or maybe you thought there was some stress and conflicts and friction in the relationship, but you definitely didn't think that it was going to lead to this.
So, here's what you make sure you do, and I'm actually going to take you through an three-point exercise here, and this is going to help you. Okay. Number one, when you grieve somebody, when you miss somebody, you often miss the needs that they were bringing into your life. Now, that's not the only part of it, but it's a big part of it. Even if the needs were met very sporadically. And so what I mean by this is for example if when you were with a dismissible avoidant you felt sometimes seen or sometimes special or sometimes important or maybe you had laughter or humor or novelty or exploration with them. If these needs were met and maybe they were only met like a three out of 10 because maybe those needs were met and then the person wasn't really present and then they were met and then the person wasn't really present. we will still feel like we need to go back to the person who met those needs a three out of 10 if we're meeting them in our own lives and have other healthy sources of getting those needs met like a one or a two. And what I mean by this in other words is that we ache for we yearn for people who represent the ability to meet needs even in small forms that we have missing in the relationship to ourselves. So my first question for you is when things were good, what needs were being met in your life?
Then I want you in question two here to ask yourself from 1 to 10, how much am I meeting these needs in the relationship to myself? And if you see it's really low, we're going to talk about what to do in just a second. We are doing this promotion right now just for a limited time where there's all kinds of free giveaways. So you can use the link below and you can actually spin to win. You can win a 7-day free membership to PDS, 14-day, a free membership for a whole month, a free course that you get to keep for life. There's all these really cool features in there and we've actually added more since the last time we did this 6 months ago or so. So, you can check it out. You can spin down below and see what cool gifts you might be able to win. And also check out that course for free for a limited time. So, I'll put that down below.
Now, the other thing that I just want to say here is your next piece to do is once you've been like, "Okay, these are the needs that were being met and here's how much I meet these things in the relationship to myself from 1 to 10." I want you to ask yourself point number three, how can I start meeting these needs in the relationship to myself? And what I mean by that is like, how can you actually start showing up for yourself more? If you want to feel more seen, maybe you journal or you meditate or you check in with your own feelings and needs more frequently. Maybe you want to feel important or prioritized. Maybe you figure out who you are and what's important to you, your own mission, goals, vision, dreams for your life, and make those things a priority. Carve out time to put those things first. Or maybe it's for your healthy habits in life or to sleep properly. Like things that are meaningful to you, put those first. So I want you to really reflect here on what I can do to show up for these needs within myself. The more that you do, the less you will yearn for or ache for these things from somebody else.
Okay, this is simply how the subconscious mind works. But here's the most important thing. If you don't have closure from this person, here's how you create your own closure. Okay, I want you to ask yourself, what are the costs of staying with this person? Assuming that nothing changes, what are the costs? If this person's not ready to invest in a relationship, if you couldn't ever talk through things, you can't both communicate about your needs, maybe you had a whole bunch of conflict that wasn't getting resolved, what does your life look like if you stay in that same kind of dynamic 3 months from now, 6 months from now, a year from now, 5 years from now, what does your life look like? What are the costs of staying in that relationship assuming nothing changes? Okay? Okay? Because if somebody hasn't changed, they're probably not going to. And what are some of the actual benefits of allowing yourself to lick your wounds and heal, to actually move through the process of detaching from them, to actually move through meeting the needs that weren't being met in your life in a healthy way in the relationship to self and allowing yourself that ability to move ahead and figure out who you are and what you want next? Like, how does that actually serve you? And if you can write out five or six for each, you're going to feel like you have a little bit more closure because you are creating your own your own certainty, your own closure, your own clarity by really moving through those questions. So, make sure you take a a second to sit with them.
That is it for today. Thank you so much for watching. Please like, share, and subscribe if you haven't already. If you enjoyed this channel, if this was helpful for you, and I can't wait to see you in tomorrow's video.