Verbal Judo: Diffusing Conflict Through Conversation

For those of you I haven't met at the previous workshops, this is a new thing we're doing in the program on social intelligence that we call the Science Meets Practice Workshop. And the premise is that some of the best ideas about leadership are discovered independently in the world of practice, which means people out there in organizations figuring out what works, trying a lot of things and seeing what works. And in the world of science, which is researchers using these various arcane methods to test theories. And then a really interesting conversation can happen when you bring the two worlds into dialogue. So each time we bring in someone who's well known and a successful leader in the world of practice and we match them with one of our faculty members who's doing research in a related area. We have an hour-long practical hands-on workshop by our visiting expert, and then we follow that with a 15-minute turbo lecture about what have researchers figured out recently in this area and does it dovetail or does it elucidate what we've seen works practically.

So today we're very lucky to have as a visiting expert George Thompson, otherwise known as Doc Thompson and sometimes known as Rhino Thompson. And I can tell you where that first name comes from. The first name comes from that George Thompson was a professor of English originally before for some reason leaving academia to become a police officer and he quickly became a police officer involved in training other people. Because he discovered that in tense conflict situations, words can actually be more effective than weapons in diffusing conflict and getting things to work out in everybody's interest. We have a number of his books here, the most famous is called "Verbal Judo". He's trained over half a million people in the techniques described in that book and other books. I've learned recently that he is also one of the world's experts on certain detective novels. Dashiell Hammett, is that right? And he has a forthcoming book about Dashiell Hammett.

- Actually, it's out.

- It's out? Okay.

- A little hardback.

- So he's a multifaceted individual here. And he's trained police officers, as I said, healthcare workers who deal with a lot of conflict, corporate leaders. I think in this particular day and age, corporate leaders are being threatened by TARP officials in the United States. They're being kidnapped in France this week. The skill set of discouraging people from getting coercive is increasingly relevant if you're running organizations. We're gonna hear about things like keeping things from escalating, how to bring things back down once they've escalated. And hopefully, we'll learn some verbal judo moves we can all use. I've been trying to get my mouth into the relaxation position so that I'll be able to then go into any particular verbal judo move. Thompson's workshop is gonna be followed by a brief talk by Dan Aimes. Most of you know Dan Aimes. He's one of our young star researchers. He does a lot of work on how managing conflict is an important predictor of leadership success in a lot of different kinds of organizations. So he'll talk about these same kinds of techniques and how they're studied by researchers and what it tends to correlate with in terms of people's career paths. And then after that, we're gonna have an interpretive Q&A section where you can come up with your best questions and throw them both the practical expert and the science expert and see what they come up with. So with that, I turn it over to George Thompson.

- Michael, thank you. (audience applauds) I hope you feel like clapping when I'm done. How are you? I first thought I'd try to teach you verbal judo the course, and I decided I can't do that in an hour. I've been teaching this for 26 years. I was an English professor for 10, taught Shakespeare and Milton and that kind of thing. Then I became a policeman and I did that for six years full-time, and another 20 or so part-time. I got cancer three years ago, no, 2003, six years ago of the vocal cords. That's why I sound like the Godfather. They took the vocal cord out, the left one that was affected. And they had to pull the right one over so I can talk. Which means if I sound like Darth Vader the way I breathe, it's because I have about where you can have this much breathing, I've got that. So just walking upstairs is an effort. So now I do my martial arts in pantomime, if you will, slow motion. But it's cut back a bit. You know, you can die if you use the wrong words, you can get killed. You can get fired and sued. We have given this training to NYPD, they're great talkers when they want to be, they're very good. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give you some nuggets. Because you can walk away with a lot of knowledge today, so I'd better get moving. This is the history, you got that. Let me show you where I start. If you're taking notes, make a note. There's two kinds of language, I call one metaphorically verbal karate, which is an attacking, fighting use of words. Insults, putdowns, being condescending, et cetera. Off target. Unprofessional. The opposite of that is verbal judo. Now, verbal karate is natural language, all of you can talk. But it's been my experience that when you let words rise readily to the lips, you often create great speeches you will live to regret. Remember, you cannot take words back. So write this down, natural language is disastrous. And unless you're trained in tactical language, you use it all the time. You cannot bring it back, it cuts deep, it wounds your kids, your friends. How many of you have subordinates? How many of you run a business? Anybody in here? The rest of you work for people, or are you all students? So you're gonna be going out into a new workplace, right? Terrific. All right, look, natural language is disastrous, which suggests there is a need for the opposite, which is tactical language. I'm gonna define it for you. Tactical language are words shaped to achieve the goal in front of you. I never express my feelings on the job, unless they're positive. I perform speech, you say what you have to say to get the job done. A good mark that you're using the wrong language if it makes you feel good. You probably ought not to say it. I have a law, if it makes you feel good, it's no good. Don't say it. Tactical language is a performing language. You'll notice the chameleon is up on my sheet? Why would I choose a chameleon to be one of my two mascots for a course of verbal judo? What do we know about chameleons? They change color according to the environment. Mastery through adaptation is an ancient samurai warfare and it's also a communication principle. You become who you have to to handle the scene in front of you. That's the essence of this stuff. What I'm gonna do, who's the strongest guy in the room? Bench pressing type of strength? (audience laughs) What is your name, sir?

- [Brandon] My name is Brandon.

- Brandon, would you come up and help me? Give him a hand. (audience applauds) Now, what we're gonna do. Good to see you, good to see you, step right over here. Now Brandon and I are gonna do something, but no violence. Then you're gonna do it. Then you're gonna do it. You don't even have to do that. You will practice this and there's a reason for it. Grab my wrist with your right hand and don't let me go. Now I'm just gonna try to pull away. Don't let me go. Notice when you pull, you're pulling into his forefingers, the center of his strength. Don't let me go whatever you do. (audience laughs) Again. Again. (audience laughs) (whistles) (audience laughs) (audience applauds) Grab this wrist. Hold it hard, don't let me go. Again. Grab the wrist. You don't want to do that. Watch, what's the principal, anybody? When grabbed, don't pull away. Stay close and go to the thumb. Stay close, pull through. How does that relate to communication with another? The moment you break effective communication or try to struggle, don't let me go, you have a problem. The closer you stay and learn, the easier it is to escape. To move someone to be successful. Second, when grabbed, go in a circle. He either holds on, his arm turns, or I escape. So write that down, go to the thumb and go in a circle. Third example, you're gonna do these three. This is okay, don't worry. Be gentle with me now.

- Be gentle with me. (audience laughs)

- No, I wouldn't do that. Push. Push, push again. See, there is a push that goes nowhere. Now push me. Come with him and direct. That's called redirect. By the way, do you think he's earned a pin? Give him a hand. (audience applauds) What I demonstrated was a triple ME principle, maximum effectiveness, maximum efficiency with minimum effort. I want you to partner off, right now. Jim, stand. Jim Manley is my Webmaster. Here's what it'll look like. One partner will grab another's wrist, hold hard. Try to pull away, then stay close and pull through the thumb. I want you to feel it. Go. That's one. Doesn't matter how you do it, just grab her normally like this first. No, no, no. That's not what you want to do. No, no, no. It's just this. (murmuring) Just that. Just that. You're fighting. Hold on. All wrist. All wrist, much better. Okay, what did you discover? Most of you are using too much force. When grabbed, just go to the, all wrist, no pull. Then you can move back. Or the circle. Technique is everything. Now, verbal judo is a contact art. Look up here for a minute. In 1882, Dr. Kano invented judo. He took it from jujitsu, the oldest of fighting forms. And he was a tiny guy, a tiny Japanese physician. And all his students were ending up in the hospital. From jujitsu. So he said, there's got to be a better way. So out of jujitsu, he brought judo. Now, ju means gentle, the gentle way, and do is way. Judo is based on using other people's energy, not your own. Secondly, like all martial arts, judo is based on redirection, which is what you do when you deal with angry people. You want to use this principle, the triple ME. Maximum effectiveness, maximum efficiency, minimum effort. You notice in judo, it's like American wrestling, its hands on. The moment I want to drop my hands, I'd lose all ability to redirect. So point one is stay in contact. Point two, never get upset. How many of you have a temper? How many of you have a bad temper? You people are weak. Warriors never get upset. See, when you get angry and upset, you know what happens? You undergo vasoconstriction. And when you have blood leaving your face, when that happens, you lose the forebrain, and what's left is the midbrain. And the midbrain is identical to your dog's. So to try to argue with an angry person, it's like arguing with your dog, you can't do it. Never get upset. Ancient Samurai Wisdom. He who gets upset loses. I just got more polite with difficult people. It's called tactical civility. It allows me to get close to people. If I have to dump them in a police situation. If it's a sales situation, it allows me to make contact and redirect. So let's talk about that. How do you stay calm under verbal assault? That's not natural either, by the way, is it? If somebody insults you and you get upset, you lose. Why do people insult us anyway, anybody know?

- [Woman] More power.

- Say that again?

- [Woman] Give them more power, basically.

- Yeah, it's a tactic. It's a tactic. It's a tactic to be used against you. I teach in my longer course a habit of mine known as mushin. MU means no. And shin means mind, as in still center. The English word is probably more like disinterested, unbiased, open, and flexible. So mushin is the state of being surrounded by an attacker, I'm going still center. No biases, no upset. Quiet inside. I teach this in several ways. When I teach cops, I teach them to be calm under a verbal insult. Because verbal insult is the number one abuse in the country. How do you do it? Well, what would you do if somebody insulted you? I won't do it here. When somebody goes bald-headed (mumbles), how would you handle an insult? You know, you're really incompetent, you're kind of stupid, what are you doing at Columbia?

- [Man] Probably make a witty joke towards the thumb and get out. (audience laughs)

- Like what? Would you really? That's great, but would you really?

- That's generally my tactic.

- Go ahead and do it. Do it. "You're stupid, what are you doing at Columbia? Isn't this Ivy League?"

- It is Ivy League.

- What are you doing here? You're too stupid to be here?

- I study business. My GMATs were in the right place. Pretty good.

- He is hard to reach, isn't he? What would you do, four eyes? (audience laughs) I like it, that's good. I like that. That's good. In a classroom, it's a little safer, isn't it? Let me give you some things. When you're assaulted for real, not in a classroom, everything is okay. You have two options before my training: grin and bear it, try to ignore it, which doesn't work well. Because eventually people snap or get sucked in by the others' dynamics. Shut your mouth, or you're two kinds of things. How many of you have children? What are you gonna tell your kids about insults? What's your name?

- [Ben] Ben.

- Go ahead, Ben.

- Like if my son is being insulted by someone else?

- [Pete] Yeah, what would you tell him to do?

- He's 2 1/2. (audience laughs)

- [Pete] Anybody have anybody older? How old are your kids?

- 13, 13-year-old daughter. If she was insulted, which she has been, she got into a confrontation in school. I told her by reacting physically or negatively, you escalate the situation. What you need to do is just walk away, just don't even acknowledge it.

- [Pete] How long can you do that though, keep walking away?

- Honestly, you can't do it for very long, because by nature, kids who are mean, they'll continue to do so. But I told her to walk away or go talk to the guidance counselor, tell her that these kids are continuing to harass her.

- What did I do when you pushed me away, that last time when I redirected you? Grab and redirect. Give way before the attack but redirect it. Let me teach you something known as deflectors. Are you on the right page? Next page over, how to handle deflection. Natural language will get you pulled into their dynamics. Tactical language tells you to deflect and move. "You're a fat, ugly." "I can see you're upset, I got that. I'm sorry you feel that way, but listen to me." You see, deflection move. Some deflectors are: "I appreciate that," "I understand that," "I've got that," "I hear that." "Sorry you feel that way." I have some new ones. "I might feel that way too." (audience laughs) "My wife is wise, whatever. My wife would agree with you." See, the old samurai saying is, man throws spear of insult, move head. Then the spear misses target. Now he's disarmed, now it's my turn. Never let insult bother you, just redirect it. These are deflecting study, you've got to use two or more of them. Otherwise, it's too abrupt. "I can see you're upset, I might be too under those conditions, but..." To the fat little kid in school who is called fat. What might she say or he? "Hey, fat blah, blah." What do you say now? "Hey, I've been losing weight every week. Glad you noticed. Make a note. Walk on." And laugh. What are you gonna do? Why not? The moment you show it doesn't get to you, they stop it. People only insult you if it works. So make a note on that. Deflection. To deflect the insult and move forward with professional language. I've been insulted by the best of them. I had a guy yelling and shouting at me the last domestic I handled. The guy was yelling and shouting in the middle of the night, calling me every name you can imagine. And I had no backup, I was way out in New Mexico near an Indian reservation in the middle of the night. I suddenly said, "Whoa, listen, whoa. I said, I hear all that, I got that, okay, I'd be upset also. You see, anybody else here, sir, to come and help you? You're having a bad night, right?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "One man in America came to show up, one man, and you're yelling at me. What's wrong with you? There is not 50 people here to help you, there is one. What's wrong with you?" He goes, "I didn't think about it that way. I should think about it that way. Stop yelling at the only guy in America who came to help you." He laughed. He said, "You're different." (audience laughs) Look, I really like difficult people. I didn't used to, I used to get sucked in. But I like people to say, "You can't do that," because I can do it. Part of the secret lies when I know I can deflect. And the secret lies also in some knowledge I'm about to give you here. Are there questions on deflection? It's quick, it's easy, you keep moving verbally. Yes?

- Some of these same condescending.

- Condescension is in the delivery, not in the word itself. You can be condescending with the Lord's Prayer. Make a note, it's how you deliver it. What do we know about delivering? It's 93% or thereabouts of your effectiveness. 93%. Verbal, non-verbal, put it all together. What percentage you would like to talk? It's very close to that. Delivery is everything. Now, I'm not being condescending. Look, I understand that. See, I appreciate that. I don't appreciate being called an Mfer. But I can appreciate it, because there is no such word. I know that. By the way, you know when I use these phrases in the field, I know I'm using those phrases, so these are my verbal armor. I'm going to work. The moment I use these, I know I'm going to work. It's a signal that it's showtime. You do know, don't you, that when you get out there, it's all showtime, don't you? That's why you need to perform professional language. Never express your feelings. It's probably a pretty good guideline, unless they're positive. Next page over, let me show you something really interesting. I'm not much on this stuff, I like the board, but I'm trying to get it, bring myself up to the 21st century. Here are the four reasons to deflect. Number one, is the one exception to the feel-good doctrine. It makes you feel good to know you can do it. When I'm using them, I know I'm using. "Sir, I can see you're upset, I got that, okay, but listen to me." Same thing in a negotiation, you've got to sound calm. Even if what they're arguing for is outrageous, inept, or stupid. You have to sound interested and calm. It's all performance. It makes me feel good to know I've got something to do besides walk away or get sucked in. The science to deflection, it's a springboard. Look, let me use the board here. Here, that, but. Now, I've got two or three here, I don't have room for them. Circle the word "but." That's your focus word. Everything after the "but" must be professional language tailored and aimed at the goal of the discourse. Now, what is the goal? You guys can come in if you want. What is the goal? You need to know what the goal of the discourse is. In police work, it's compliance, cooperation, and collaboration. Yours will be cooperation and collaboration. In sales, or whatever, trying to get people to go along with your program. So everything you say, it must be towards that goal. So professional language is goal-setting, remember, tactical language is goal-centered. Tactical language fosters and generates compliance, cooperation, or collaboration. What is unprofessional language? Anything that does the opposite. Any insult, insults strengthen resistance. Insult, no good. Insult, putdowns, no good. Goal-centered language is professional language. Any questions on that? Learn to speak to the point. No matter how upset people get you, you deflect and you move. Now, when you use these deflectors, what you're doing is you're using them to springboard to there. The quicker you can get to the "but," or the "however," or the "and," whatever one you like. Could be "and." Doesn't have to be the harsh "but" of the cop. You like that sentence? It just struck me, it's probably not a good sentence. The springboard, what are you springboarding over? I call it playground America. Anything like argument keeps you back here. You need to be here and then here. "I can see you're upset and I got that, but listen to me." Unless you want to talk about what's upsetting them and put everything else off, which you can do. We're talking about you engaging people on the fly, if you will, while you're talking to them. That's the science, you springboard over. That can get you in trouble. That's what I call quicksand. The playground of America is quicksand. It's how you talked as a kid, it's natural language. Disastrous. Springboard over that, get to these, and then tailor your language. Now, next page. If you can do that, and it sounds good too, by the way, but that's clear. One last point on that, you see there's one good thing about PowerPoints, they don't let you skip over anything. That's one good thing about them. When you do the deflectors, you disempower. You disempower people, they no longer have the power to upset you. Most people will use words to upset you, we deflect and move. And it sounds good to people standing around, so there's no argument, there's no bad language. Now, you're gonna be going into a world where this next page is huge. Here's what I want you to do. Do we have an eraser up here?

- [Man] There should be one in the tray.

- The big one? I'm trying to see what you can see it best. Okay. I want everybody to do the drawing as I draw. You are in the middle. You're the speaker. You're talking to a client, a customer. And I'm gonna put them in a box for a reason. You are representing something, your department, could be your organization. Could be your product. That's the circle. One of the things you're gonna have to master in the real world is the art of representing something other than yourself. And here's how you do it. Every time you open your mouth, you have to represent the left side. Just stop right there for a minute. You need to know for whom you speak. For cops, they represent the Department, the chief, the city, the state. All of law enforcement, all the way to the United States Constitution and Bill of Rights. That's what they would list under there. If you're working for a corporation, you represent the corporation, you represent the bosses. Know what you represent. The product, whatever it might be. To the subject, every time you open your mouth, you are representing the left side to the right side. Now notice the box. When you talk to people, it could be your spouse, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, could be an angry customer. People are under the influence. Liquor, drugs, rage, and fear. Not often for you, for cops all the time. Think if I talk to you as a cop. People under the influence of liquor, drugs, rage, fear, ignorance, violence. You're gonna be talking to people under anxiety. Maybe they're depressed. Maybe they're inflexible. They think they know. Maybe they're just tired. Maybe you're talking to someone and he's got his girlfriend or boyfriend with him. That competing audience makes a difference. Now watch what I do here and I want you to do it. See if you can do it exactly as I do. Are you ready? And I'm gonna give you a challenge. I've never had a class where more than two people did it right, so this is Columbia, this is Ivy League. Let's do it right. Ready? You must represent the left side to the right side, draw. Represent the left side to the right side, draw. In such a manner and in such a way. Draw left to right. Draw. L to R above. Stands for what? Left to right. In such a way, remember the do, verbal judo, the way. As to, now what is our goal? Generate compliance, cooperation, or collaboration. That's the goal of a negotiation as well. Ready? Let's start again and finish it. You will represent the left side to the right side, in such a manner and in such a way as to bring them back into compliance. Put an arrow from here way over through the star, and on the right GVC, generate voluntary cooperation. Collaboration, GVC. What do you notice? Now, there it is. Nope. Yes, Daniel, got it. Nope. Come on, Ivy League. Nope, that does not look like my drawing. Where's your drawing, sir? That's my drawing. Where is yours? Oh, up there? Pretty good. All right. Dana, you didn't get it, girl.

- [Dana] Stop picking on me. (all laugh)

- No.

- [Dana] I appreciate it.

- See, yeah, there you go. You got it. Let's see, Miss Laugh here. Pretty good. Almost, but no. No. I'll leave you alone, I'll leave you alone. You know where most of you went wrong? Notice here, I'm rounding off the rough edges of the box. In such a way, remember? In such a way as to round the box off, please. The speaker determines the audience. Write that down. Aristotle put it, and he's on a building over here, you know what he said? Over 2000 years ago, Aristotle put it this way: Audiences are made, not a found phenomenon. Audiences are made. You can take a customer, a client, and make them more like the left side of the circle, bring them back into harmony. It is your job to do this. Make them less resistant. That's what negotiation is all about. Less resistance. Most people's verbalization increase resistance. Your job is to remake the audience, left to right, in such a way. Now, we are not done. What do you notice about the star in the middle? What was your name again?

- Brandon.

- Brandon. Still Brandon, good. Just checking. Go ahead, what do you notice about the star, Brandon? Where's your chameleon pen? You need to be wearing that.

- The star is at the center, and the star has power, basically.

- What do you notice about my star? Come on.

- It's disappearing, good. Okay, I want you to highlight the five points of the star, and disappear the rest of it. What's the point visually? You must disappear to have power over others. You must disappear. Personally. That's the great message. Too many of you will carry big egos from this university out on the street, you lose in the real world. Ironically speaking, the more you can disappear personally before others, the greater your power and influence over them will be. Did you get that sentence? So, you know where I got verbal judo? From great cops. I'm just a messenger boy. See, I have to disappear before those guys, because some of them have more years than I, or better cops than I am. I'm not selling me, I'm selling what I learned from them. Everything I teach has been tested on the street. Now, what do you notice about the left side? Well, before I tell you, let me put it this way. Write this down, ready? If you break the figure eight anywhere along the line, the force no longer will be with you. Write it down. There are three ways to break the figure eight, and they represent the three greatest mistakes you can make in your life as a supervisor, as a salesman, or as a parent. You ready? Number one, if you insult people, you can break it to the far right. "Hey, stupid, listen to me," you say to somebody. You snap at your children, "Clean up your room." Look at the face, listen to the tone. You know what tone is, don't you? You know the best way to define tone? Read all the books you want, it won't be this clear. Tone equals attitude displayed. And better yet, you know what tone is? Your tone is defined by the other. By the words they can add to what you said, not what you said, the words they hear you say. "Sit down." What would you hear there? Don't tell me. "Pick up your book, stupid," is right there. Gentleman, don't tell your girlfriend, "Fix dinner." You know what you hear at the end of that. Tone is the unsaid but expressed. Tone is the most deadly four-letter word in America. It can get you fired, sued, killed, demoted, or stalled in your career. Tone, you've got to make the voice lie in many ways, you'll learn that here, I'm sure. Anyway, I teach it later. Look, if you insult people in any way, you build a ground for them to stand on they did not have before. And now what becomes subject matter is your attitude, and what they have done or said is irrelevant. How many of you have employees? If you ever put somebody down when you correct their work.

- I have.

- You have? Thank you for being honest. The moment they hear that negative in your voice, they stop listening because now they know you don't like them and you're picking on them, so they can actually escape righteous correction because of the way you delivered it. Now it becomes, "Don't yell at me, buddy," now you're on this level rather than the level you should be talking on, which is the weakness of his presentation. Or his work. Insult nobody, you make them stronger. Insult strengthens, civility weakens resistance. These are things never taught to anybody. Look at all the cliches you grew up with: "Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you." Wrong. Words cut deeper and fester longer than any sword known to man. I've never forgotten what was said to me as a kid, have you? Well, if you have, you've got a good, my memories gone. All right, that's one. How can you break it in the middle, do you suspect? That's it, let your ego show. The moment you start getting angry, you lose the center, which was mushin, remember mushin. And when you do that, your power and your safety, and power and your personal safety go down. The moment you get pulled in personally, ego is the greatest problem. If tone is the most deadly word, ego is the greatest problem in the business. Your ego gets you in a lot of trouble. You must disappear before others to have power over them. You make the issue central, the connection you have with someone central, keep yourself out of it. I've seen cops get so angry they arrested for the wrong thing, didn't see a gun when it was in the car. I've seen teachers get angry and turn students off permanently. I hated school for 12 years. Well, 11. It doesn't take very many teachers to turn you off, you know, maybe one. Ego rise, your power goes down. Here you can cut it on the left side only. How do you break it on the left side over here? Micromanagement is a good example. This is just representing the organization. That's the cop that writes eight tickets out of eight possibles. That's the micromanager. Always looking over your shoulder and picking at you. No, no, this is mushin, the sign of mushin, still center, balanced. The moment you get sucked over here, or you lean back to whip, or you rise here, you lose. No good. The art of representation is a figure eight, why? Because it is a sign of infinity. You must never stop representing. You'll always represent Columbia. And its education. There's one thing you're gonna have to represent. Looks like a pair of glasses, doesn't it? It kind of is. I love this. When I was working in the field in the middle of chaos, I would remember the figure and I knew where to stand. Still center, right there. The moment I started this, or this, or bowing up, I lose. Now, you're a supervisor someday, how does this apply? You put your employees down, you build resistance. Undercut morale. A lot of people with promotion allow their egos to grow. I saw it in universities. Get promoted from assistant professor, all of a sudden they wouldn't talk to you. Or for whatever it was. Ego. And how would that apply to the left? That's the micromanagement or hammering people with policies and laws and little tiny things. You have bosses like that. I tell my kids at school to represent themselves. My older son learned to represent our value systems to the public, his peer group, in such a manner and in such a way as to be left alone with them. He didn't surrender to people, and he didn't feel bad about having to. I taught my daughter the same thing. I have a seven-year-old now, I'm teaching him that. How to represent yourself, man. I love that. Any questions on the idea of representation? I could go on forever about it. I could teach the whole course from there. Here's one question for Columbia and the students: How do you round off the box? Nobody asked that. How do you do it? How do you make people smarter? By the way, if you're the boss someday, what is your job? Isn't it to make people better? To think for them as they should think for themselves. Whether or not they're having a good day. That's what I did as a cop. Our guy wanted to fight me. What do you want to fight me for? I'm arresting you for disorderly conduct, that's overnight in jail, 30 bucks. You want to fight me? That's a felony. What are you talking about? You don't need a felony, do you? Oh, I can beat you. I understand all that. You don't need five, $600 in fines and penalties and 90 days in jail, do you? Do you have a job? Yeah. You won't have. 90 days from now. Fight some other night. I never had anybody fight me when I could talk to them first, nobody. I told everybody, I can see tougher than I am. I've been in martial arts since I was three years old. There aren't many guys that I would have a problem with. But I tell everybody, I can see you're tougher than me, I got that. So how does that help you? How does that help you? I'm here to help you, think for you as you might think for yourself, not being drunk. I love that. Any questions on that? All right, you know what I'm gonna do for you? Look at the next page. Audiences are made? Any questions on that? Yeah, one right. First, any questions on this? Now, you're gonna ask me, how do you make audiences? That's what you should be asking. You know what the greatest human activity is? What is the greatest human activity? I'll tell you what I think it is, I think it's inarguable. Are you ready? It's the ability to work on another person's mind to change their behavior. Persuasion. Persuasion. We do it all the time. Nobody tells you it's a great art, but it is. If I can take a guy that wants to fight and two minutes later he's cooperative, have I not worked on his mind to change his behavior? And is that not a huge? That's huge. You take a guy that refuses to negotiate and six hours later you've moved him to where he needs to be, is that power? It's huge. The ability to work on a human mind, to change their behavior. Martin Luther King did it. On the negative side, Hitler did it. Obama has recently done it. Work on people's minds to change the way they behave. I will teach you to do this before the end of today. Any questions on rounding off the box? Let me give you some nuggets and then we'll end with persuasion model. Ready? One nugget. For the rest of your career, you're gonna have to motivate people. How do you do that? There's a thousand books on it. And none of them tell you what you need to know, I think. I'm disappointed in all of them. From the One Minute Manager and often, there is only one principle, it's two words. Raise expectations. If you can raise a man or woman's expectation regarding what it is they can personally do, they will find a way to do it. Most people specialize in putting people down, I like to raise them up. I treat and teach elite people to be elite. Never get upset, that's an elite move. But anyway, raise expectations. My son Taylor, who is now married with children. Here's an example from home, it's application to business will be perfectly clear. He came home one day at 15 with a report card and handed it to me with his hand slightly shaking. Because I emphasize education as being hugely important. Well, I looked at the card. Wow, four A's and an F. He had. I looked at the card and I said, I almost used natural language. What's the natural language? "What's this F?" Right? Almost impossible to stuff that down. It's like I never say "calm down" to people, because when you say "calm down," it pisses them off. You can't say it, you have to do it. So I stuffed those words down and I said, "Four A's. Taylor, I never got four A's in high school in my life. And I got a PhD and postdoctoral work at Princeton University, and I've never gotten four A's in high school. Wow. I said, you know what? That's good. That's great. Thanks for showing me." And I walked off. And he goes, "Hey, Dad." He said, "There is another grade there." I said, "Oh, oh, you mean the F?" He said, "Yeah, the F." I said, "Well, Taylor, if you're smart enough to get four A's, you probably meant to get the F." He said, "Well, how did you know?" I said, "I just told you." He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Look, you can get four A's, you also have a right to get an F, good for you. You want to tell me why?" He said, "I do." He said, "I don't like the teacher." So he took an F. He said, "Yeah." "That ought to teach him a lesson." I said, (audience laughs) "What do you mean?" I said, "Taylor, you know what I do for a living? I go all around the country teaching power, how to have power over others and move them into better positions." He said, "Yeah." I said, "You want my power reading on it?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "If I were you, and I didn't like the teacher, I think I'd like to make him give me a B or an A because I know how hard it is. He doesn't like you either, right?" "No, he doesn't like me." "Think how hard that would have been for him. As it is, he smiled happily giving you an F, didn't it?" "Yeah, probably." I said, "That's what I would have done. I would have made him give me a good grade. You do what you want." He said, "You're strange, Dad." Six weeks later, another report card, he shoved it right under my nose. "Look at that." He had a B+ in the same course under the same teacher. I said, "Way to go, buddy." See, if I had mentioned the negative stuff, you're done. What's this F? And now you get into that, the four A's are ignored. And even if they're mentioned later, it's too late. Look, you've got to develop a really good eye to see the good and dimension it in such a way as to get them to reconsider what they're doing. Mention negative first, you're done. In that particular case, if I had focused on the F, he would have never said anything. Raise expectations. How did Robert Browning put it, the poet? You know something about Robert Browning. "A man's reach should exceed his grasp." You can lift people up. That's what my training dollars, I make hard-nosed cops think of themselves as peace lawyers. "Where I go, there will be no violence. I exude peace. You don't have to fight, there will be no violence here, sir." I mean, if you fight, I will show up and take care of it, but why would you breed it? That's the nougat, raise expectations. Here's another nougat. Let's say you want to calm people down, family members, to clients, to anybody. There's only one principle: project empathy. What do we know about empathy? Em is Latin prefix for "to see through," pathy is Greek suffix for "eye of other." So the word literally means to see through the eye of another. And it is the most powerful word in the English language. And make a note on this, the moment you stop thinking like the other, you lose your power over them. The moment a minister stops thinking like its congregation, he becomes irrelevant. The moment a teacher stops thinking like his or her students, you become irrelevant, you lose touch. The moment a fighter in the ring stops thinking like the fighter he is fighting, he walks into a left he should have anticipated but did not. The moment a parent stops thinking like the children, his or her children, you become an ineffective parent. There is no example in which tactical empathy, the ability to project into another, only momentarily. Look, the moment a salesman stops thinking like his client, he's done. That's what's wrong with most sales. I don't sell anything, I allow people to buy. I resist them buying. I once gave a speech before a Chevy car dealer, 1% of used car dealerships in America. And I know nothing about used cars, but I don't like used car salesmen. Never have. Now I have to give a speech before them in Chicago, I had six-month warnings. You know what I did for six months? Sold used cars. Only on the weekends, because I was busy teaching this stuff. I went out on a used car dealership and all these old dogs, be aware of the "be back" syndrome. You know how hard it is to get off the car lot? You almost have to drive off at high speed. They keep you there. I listened to all this advice and then I did just the opposite. I just followed verbal judo principles. I told a guy to get off a lot and he said, "I can find a car better for less price." I said, "Do it. Why are you talking to me?" I had another guy say, "Well, I want that sports car." I said, "I do too. But I said, I checked your credit, it's gonna cost you $900 bucks a month. And yes, you're qualified for it, barely. I want you to think about it. Go and sleep on it. Do you want a $900 nutcracker every month? Because you can get those cars there, and they're neat sports cars half the price. Think about it. Don't rush into it, sir." See, all these for sale cars in Albuquerque, two weeks later, it's just a car. Do you need the $900 bucks a month? That's what I want you to think about. I'll sell it to you. See, always resist. Think like the client. Think like the customer ought to be thinking. Not as he's thinking. Project in. It's huge tactical empathy. You see, empathy absorbs tension. That's what the sheet says, right? Empathy absorbs. Let me get on the right sheet, excuse me. Empathy absorbs tension. Don't use the phrase "I understand where you're coming from," because in many cases, you can't understand where someone is coming from. Show that you understand. Empathy is something that's projected. It's the most powerful word, I swear to God, in the English language. Now, how many have you been taught to paraphrase? Yes? You know what paraphrase is? Say yes or no.

- Yes.

- What is it?

- [Woman] When you're using different language in a statement.

- What is paraphrasing? I'm gonna let you off the hook because you said I was picking on you. And then you answered a question correctly, so now you're off the hook. Here's paraphrase, ready? You're talking to someone who was yelling at you, giving you some kind of argument of one sort or another. They don't have to be yelling, it could just be a negative argument. When you paraphrase, your job is to get at what they mean, not what they say. What do they really mean? And to do that, you wrap it in your words. Why your words? Because you should be calmer and less upset. And you give it back to them to ensure you have heard and understood it correctly. And the formula for paraphrase is very clear. Notice what it does, it creates a third person in a two-person conflict. It's not his words and his meaning, it's not your words and your meaning, it's a blend. His meaning in your words. Now, here's the formula. "You're blank because of blank." True? You must be disinterested, no bias can be shown. In the first blank, you put a feeling. In the second blank, you put a reason or reasons. Okay, "I see you're upset, I got that, and you're upset because you think I purposely put you down the other night in front of the class, is that true?" Now notice what they can do. They can modify the feeling. "No, I'm not angry, I'm disappointed." They can modify the reason. "I don't know if you did it on purpose." They can modify both. One of the things I teach, one I have longer, is that people never say what they mean, particularly when they are upset. When people speak, words fly out, meanings lie behind. So the question is, how do you get back from what is said to what is meant? And the answer is paraphrase. Now.

This sort of interruption, how do you stop people from talking? So that you can paraphrase.

What's the most powerful sentence in America? What's the most powerful word? Empathy. What's the most powerful sentence? It shuts everybody up. It'll get their attention. It will make them good listeners. Does have 14 different power tool techniques. What's the sentence? "Let me see if I understand what you just said." "Let me see if I understand you." Nobody talks when you say that. You can interrupt your mom, your dad, your kids, anybody. "Hey dad, let me see if I got that." And now, if they think you won't get it, they listen very hard to prove it. There is a judo principle of using a negative, their negative listening and turning it into positive listening. Great sentence for interruption. It's the only way to interrupt people and not generally a problem. "Shut up" doesn't do it. "Get to the point" doesn't do it. "Let me see if I understood what you just said." Huge. It shuts people up and doesn't make them angry. It allows you to take control. You were gonna get it right in a couple of moves. I've got 20 minutes on this stuff, but that's the way I go through that. I'm telling you right now, you've got to be in control, and you do it by paraphrasing.

Because when people talk, words fly out. You know what I discovered that? Police work. I went to a house one night, and the guy ran out (mumbles). Words of rage, anger, and frustration. You know what he meant? Under M1, one, two, three, four, five. Number one, look up here, he meant what? "Help me. Help me, dammit." It was a burglary call. His house had been ransacked. "What about my stuff, man? My TV?" Number three, fear. Write the word fear. Anybody been burglarized? If you've ever been burglarized, you know what I know. The bubble of security around which you surrounded your life is false and gone. It's fearful to have been burglarized. You also feel raped. Write the word raped. You feel violated. Somebody's actually been in your house, in your drawers. And five-time, "Where have you been?" It's been three hours. I got to a call three hours late because we had shots fired and other problems. By the time I got there to this cold burglary call, the guy was yelling and shouting. You never react to words. He's under the influence of liquor, drugs, rage, fear, ignorance, whatever it is. If you react, notice react. This is Colombia. Let's go back to London for a minute. Re means to come back. To the act. The act controls you when you react. Never react. Respond. R-E-S-P-O-N-D with a big RE. Spawned is Latin for two answers. It means to re-answer. When you respond, you are in control. We want responsive contact professionals, not reactive. You don't want to be a reactive parent. You want to be responsive.

Now, any questions on that little nugget? We're just moving around here to fill your pockets with information. How many of you think you will be supervising some day? All right. What does it mean? You hat dog, what does it mean, sir? You gonna wear a hat? You know you're gonna take some grief. That's okay, just deflect and move. What is supervision? What does it mean in one sentence? "To lead as a guide." That's not bad. Split the word in half. What does it mean? "Above?" It's too far into it. Super sight. Super sight. Supervision. To see. Make a note. You have to develop an eye to know how to look at your employees. Supervision. The best model for supervision is a director of a play who trains his players, gives them a script, et cetera. But when the play goes on, he's in the audience. You want to direct energy, not force energy. Like a director of the play, you get them ready to go. Super sight. Now, where do you get super sight? How did you do that? See, no one ever tells you this stuff. I want to tell you that, ready? See what it says, the hook down theory? Thompson's law of supervision. Ready? I'll give you a couple of them. This is in my latest supervisory book, just came out last year. The moment you get promoted, you should never again do a single solitary thing to advance your single solitary career, because by definition, your personal career is now meaningless. What becomes meaningful? The careers of the people below you. And if you only go to work every day with that thought in mind, that you will make people happier and more productive, you will never have a day of stress in your life. Another principle: "Look down to your people and you shall rise." If you're worried about rising, take care of your people. See, there's two kinds of success. There is true success, which I am describing, and then there's the more prevalent success. All these yes people, oh yes, oh yes. I hate yes people. If you work for me and you are a yes person, you go away, because you allow me to make mistakes. Presidents have always surrounded themselves with yes-men. Big mistake. That's why I like Obama's guy. He's nasty enough to not like anybody. So he might actually help Obama some day. What's his name? There, he's a toughie. Here is my hook down principle. Are you ready? Third principle of supervision. Violated everywhere. Everywhere. It's the reason we have low morale in police work. It's the reason we have low morale within the corporations. Are you ready? What's the most important job in any organization? Frontline. Patrol for cops. Now, the moment you get promoted, you got to keep hooking back into the frontline work. Here's what I tell cops: If 100% of your job is on the street as a patrolman, you become a surgeon, lieutenant, and captain. I want it 80/20 as Sergeant. 80/20 of your time. 80% of your time will be spent on the street with your men and women, educating, teaching, modeling, backing them up. 20% or less will be office work. Lieutenant, I want one week a month where you actually answer calls and do police work. You don't need to sit in an office. Yeah, there's a lot of paperwork at that level. But if you're not in the field, you don't have a good eye. Captain, one week. I've gone down to 24 hours a month. That's a month. One week a month and 24 hours a month. Why can't the captain spend eight hours, three times a month, on a shift? Three shifts, you know. Cops, they work mornings, swing, and then deep nights. The captain should be on all three every month. See, then you can't be bullshitted. You know. And so even for the Chiefs, 24 hours. My point is this: that I don't care what business you're in, as you rise, you've got to stay in touch with the people on the frontline by doing some of their work, not just standing around going, "Oh, yes." Actually doing it. "Why don't you take a break? I'll work the phones this hour for you. Take an extra lunch break." That's what I would do in an organization where they were phoning. And I would play the phones for an hour so I know what's going on. I know what the stress is like. Keep that in mind. Hook down is huge. I've got more principles there. Keep moving, because the next one will save you. If all you listen to is this one, it will be worth coming here. You're going to have to make correction to your kids. It's called the language of punishment. The language of discipline. Read all the books you want on disciplining people. They don't tell you what I'm about to tell you, ready? The secret of good discipline is use language disinterestedly. What does that mean? With no bias. You cannot punish anybody or discipline anybody and show anger, condescension, irritation, or whatever. The moment you do, you lose power and you hurt permanently. I'm gonna give you an example. When Taylor was seven, he was throwing a rubber football in the living room. And I had some things from China and Japan given to me by master friends of mine. And one was a vase from Beijing, and this football is flying around. I said, "No, no, no, Taylor. No more football in house. No. Game over on that." "Oh, yeah, daddy. Oh, yeah." Three days later, I come home, walk in, tremendous crash I hear. I know what it is. It's that vase. I walk into the living room. There's Taylor, there's pieces of the vase, and a rubber football. I was homicidal. Homicidal. I was so homicidal, I did it right. I quietly and calmly said, "Go to your room. We had contracts: no football, football, and no vase. See you tomorrow morning. No dinner, no nothing. It's three o'clock now. See you in the morning, sir. Go very quickly." And he ran to his room. And I went out and I hammered that bag I had in the garage till my hands were bleeding. I took my feelings out on the bag, not the boy. That night, I went to work. I came home in the morning. He had already gone to school. I didn't see him again until the next evening. At which point I did, luckily, another thing. I did this all by luck. I didn't mention the vase. He had been punished. Game over. His mother snuck in to see him, I think, but I didn't. Three days later, he comes to me with tears in his eyes and apologizes for breaking the vase. Never has he thrown anything in the house again. Now, contrast that to what is more natural and normal. You come in. There's Taylor, there's the vase. There's the football. What's the first words out of your mouth? Especially if you're a guy. "You son of a bitch." There's a lie, number one, hopefully. "You never listen to me." That's line number two. Sure he does. "You never do what I tell you." Three sentences, three lies. Now, let's say you luckily do the same thing. You take him and throw him into his room. Having talked that way, do you have a different boy behind the door? Who's gonna steep in the tea of righteous resentment for what? 16 hours thinking, "I do too good things. I do too listen." By the time he comes out, he's worse than when we put him in. How many times can you send your kid to his room that way, but you don't him into a mean, nasty street lizard who hates all authorities because he hates his dad? Families are rift with this. It's everywhere. I've been in homes like that. "Sit your ass down," says a mother to a child. "What are you talking about?" Verbal violence is vicious. Ah, yes, the language of disinterest. The goal of punishment is what? Positive or negative? Positive. So the language has to be such as well. Now, if you were angry with your child and you want to express anger, do it. Just don't punish at the same time. I once pulled my 17-year-old daughter aside and said, "Can you and I have a little chat, Kelly?" I said, "I'm irritated at you and I want to tell you about it. And you are free to say anything you want, because this is not Dad and daughter. This is a young woman and an older guy." Okay, she says, "Yeah." I said, "Well, you've been acting like a bitch lately." And she says, "Well, don't you talk to me." And off we go. An hour later, we hugged, and it was over. So you can do that because sometimes you need to get that stuff out. But you can't punish and get it out. And everyone in this room has had that mistake made on them. And if you're parents, you have already made that mistake, isn't that right, Brandon? Yes. I've made that mistake. I wish I could do it all over again. Never show anger when you punish. The employee can get away. As I told you earlier, what's your first name? Avi. Avi, okay. The moment they sense you don't like them, they can dismiss what you say to them, because now you are biased and you just dislike them. I love this. This is so often badly done. I can't remember anybody doing it well on me. That's why I guess I finally figured it out. Okay, are you ready? Since time is running out. Look here, how did you round off the box? How do you persuade? Are you ready? Do you know that before I started teaching, nobody knew what to do? And I mean nobody. If somebody said no. A cop went to a car, step out of the car. No. Well, he would repeat it. I said, "Get out." No. What do you do next? While they went right to grabbing people. What do you do when your kid says no? You repeat it, and they say no. You know the old five steps for this? Tell or order, order, order, threaten, hesitate, and then grab. That's the old five steps for punish. I'm gonna give you a model very quickly because I want you to have time for Q and A. And I think Daniel, you've got how many minutes do you need? Okay, we're gonna move on. (audience laughs) You laugh because you know that is not gonna happen. I'll try to be quick. Step one is ask. I stopped the car my first time out as a cap. I was 35 with a PhD. I stopped my first car by myself. There's a whiskey bottle on the floor, contraband. I said to him, "Sir, you're gonna have to step up for me." He grabbed the wheel with his big bench-pressing arms. "I'm not stepping out." And there was other words that followed that. What do I do? I didn't know what to do, so I repeated it. I said, "Get out." He said, "I'm not getting out." I said, "You'll get out or I'll take you out." He said, "Go ahead." Then why are you talking about it? I thought, I don't know. So I grabbed him by the neck and pulled out through the window. I know how to do that. Violence is my hobby. Alas, now I don't breathe as well, but I can still (mumbles). I start carrying a cane. I took a course (mumbles). All right. Now, I tell you, I had to discover this. I discovered this. Six months later, I stopped a guy. Same kind of scenario. He had contraband. I said, "Sir, step out of the car for me, please." I was a little more polite. He said, "I ain't gonna do it." Step two, tell him why. Set the professional context. "Sir, I said, there's a whiskey bottle to your right that's contraband, and for your safety and mine, I need you to step out so I can search the rest of the vehicle, which the law says I have to do. Would you step out for me please, sir?" When you meet resistance of any kind, go back and set context. It's not weak, it's strong. Tell him why. Repeat, ask, and tell him why. Repeat again. "I can't hear you." "Ask and tell him why." "Ask and tell him why." If I had more time, I would tell you all the things this does, but make a note: One, it gives you ground to stand on. This was arbitrary; this is not. Two, it gives him ground to stand on equally. And in negotiation, that's what you're trying to find. Common ground, remember. Common ground. Thirdly, it's a universal sign of respect. All the universities are going around teaching all this stuff about difference. Cultural difference is a big deal. And yes, the more you know about people, the safer you are. I got that, and I could teach a two-day course in that. But let me tell you something, I am the only one, I think, that has ever asked the other question: "How are we all like?" And if you know that, you don't need any other knowledge. Everybody would rather be asked than told, in all cultures, is that right? In all cultures, that's a sign of respect. Being told why. In all cultures, people think, "I have a right to know." And you take away their resistance when you tell them. You sound more professional when you tell them. I've got 20 minutes here, but I'm giving you an idea of how it sounds. Seven out of 10 difficult people. By the way, difficult people are people who never do it the first time. They ask why. Nice people go, "Yes." But a lot of people I deal with say, "Oh, no." 70% of the people will do what you tell them. You just tell them once. Isn't that amazing? Watch this. There it is. Seven out of 10, baby. This stands for voice. One, this has to be in the interrogative. Question mark has to be heard in your voice, or it won't work. The appeal is, anybody, the ethical appeal. See, by the way you ask for something, you're establishing your credentials, you're establishing your credibility, and you are establishing your character. The three C's from Aristotle. Huge, just by the way you ask. That's why that each step is so important. Let me introduce myself. Officer Thomas. I'm gonna tell you something. Now, set the context. The guy that I had stopped that night was not one of those seven. He said, "That's not my bottle. I'm not gonna do it. F you." Okay, what do you do now? You create and present options. Is he thinking well or badly? He's thinking badly, but he thinks he thinks well. Here's what I'm gonna do. Write this down. You'll never hear this from anybody. Ready? There are four secrets to creating and presenting options. And if you don't make those secrets, you'll be ineffective. Secret number one: Your voice has to sound friendly and helpful. So number one is voice. Is this a board over here? One is voice. Is friendly. That's V3. V1 was interrogative. Two was declarative. It's a declarative voice here. Number two: When you give options, listen to this. Always put the positive first. Then the negative. And remind them of the positive. I said to him, "See, the natural thing is to put the negative first." "Hey, you don't clean up your room, you're not going out tonight," you say to your kid. "Hey, you don't get out of the car, you're under arrest," as a cop. "Teacher, you don't do your work, you'll get an F." Make a note. Natural no good. Remember. Natural no good. Everything is artificial, tactical. You do realize that, don't you? If you fall naturally, you break a hip. In judo, we teach you to fall so you will rise unhurt. Secret number two: Positive, negative, and a little reminder. I said, "Sir, you were going somewhere tonight, were you not? I want you to get there. I notice you have a baby seat in the car. You're a student who is at university. You are a student at the University?" He goes, "Yeah." "And you got a baby and family?" "Yeah." "I want you to go home tonight and be with your family. I want you to eat at your own dinner table and sleep in your own bed. Get up in the morning and go to the University. That's good. I want that. Let me tell you something, Sir. If you don't get out of this car, the law says you are going to jail. This car will be towed. It's a nice looking car. You want it towed by the city yard? That's five or six hundred bucks. You don't need that. That's overnight in jail, too. You need that, Sir? I don't think you need that kind of trouble. Work with me." It went on a little bit more. There are a few more details, but that's to give you an idea. Notice, positive first, then the negative, and a reminder of the positive. Third secret: Be specific. Generalities cause violence. And they're ineffective at best. "You want to go home or go to jail?" They sound the same. You've got to make one sound good and one sound no good. You paint a picture for people when you are persuading somebody in a sales position, or you're up here giving a speech in a class. The more specific, the better. Paint a picture. That is what sobers people up. I've sobered drunks up. When I talk to the drug, they listen. Because I talk in such a way as to get through that fog. Specificity. Don't just say "go home." Remind them, "go home, put your feet up and be with your family, sleep in your own bed, get up in the morning, be on time for work." I want that. People do not know. Remember the box. Remember the box. You are rounding off the box. He's under the influence. You've got to round this box off. Work on his mind. You know what the police service is? You know what the content professional does for people? You'll do it too. Think for others as they might think for themselves under better conditions. 48 to 72 hours later. Think for others. What is that? Three secrets? And the fourth one? Anybody? Number one, is friendly voice. Number two, is what? Positive and negative. Number three? And the fourth is huge. It's called the WIIFM principle. The greed principle. What's in it for me? That's the new radio station. WIIFM. What's in it for me? Are most people selfish, yes or no? Take a negotiation with him. The principle of negotiation is giving only to get. You have equal power. You've got to be prepared to give if you want to get something. Now, the greed principle. Look up here. If you want somebody to do this, whatever this pen is, it's perfectly sensible if you wrap it and what they have to gain or lose. They'll do it. Nobody goes against his selfish interests once they are clearly pointed out. Nobody, unless they are crazy. Nobody. The secret of good negotiation is to paint a clean picture. A specific picture. Rooted in their greed, not yours. It's what's interest for them. Good writers know this. When you write, what comes first? The point for the reader, not your point. What's the point for the reader of the document? They take semesters to teach me to write. I could teach you to write in two days. I can. I can't teach you grammar and spelling. That's not writing anyway, that's editing. But I can teach you to build text so it's powerful and clear in two days. Freshman composition is not a model I would use, because nobody writes freshman comp themes in the real world. Two kinds of documents: action documents and informative documents. Okay, there are the four. Greed. Think like the other, and you find your way. That's the bottom line of persuasion. Nine out of 10 people do it. I have a great story, but my time is running out. One last step. By the way, in all cultures, people would rather be given choices rather than threats. And in all cultures, people like a second chance, right? Here's your second chance. Confirm. I always confirm. I told Taylor, I said at one time, "Is there anything I can say to get you to take the trash out tonight so that you can go to the party, as we sketched? I'd like to thank so, Taylor." He said, "Yeah, you could say please again." I said, "Okay, please." "See, I'll take it out now." My point is, confirm. As a cop, I would say, "Sir, is there anything I could say to get you to cooperate and step out of the car for me so we don't need to go to jail and make all this trouble for you? I would like to think so, sir." If you put it nicely, the voice has to be friendly there too. He can do what? Cooperate. See, here's the great secret in dealing with people, ready? There's two little secrets. Number one, and then I'll finish. Number one, you've got to learn to help people build ground to stand on. Help people build ground so they can save face. If they can save face in a negotiation or in the bargaining, their chances of winning are very good for you. And secondly, notice by using the five steps, step five is act. Got two pages that's act. See, they are in that linear. You either act, you go call the cops, call the principal, stop talking, but talk is over. I went so far in your honor as to ask him, "Would words work?" And he said, "No." So I had to use force. I've never had my kids not do it when I got to four. In fact, my kids were brought up with this model. Kelly would say, "Don't start using that. I'll just go do it. I know where you are going." She knew where I was going. One, two, three, four. You've got to go in that order, or it doesn't work. You can't go from one to three, there's no context. I had a bit more on when words don't work and safety, but I want to give you a chance to get up here. George, originally we had more time, but I think what I want to do is let Dan speak for a few minutes and then get to the Q and A, and we'll have at least 10 minutes for Q and A, because I think the Q and A is gonna be really lively. So let's give him a big hand. (audience applauds)