Transcription
My wife asked me to let her sleep with other men because she survived cancer. But when I told her no, she started having multiple affairs behind my back.
A couple of weeks ago, my wife came to me saying she needed to get something off her chest. I asked her what was wrong, and she said that going through cancer a year ago taught her that life is too short and that she wants to experience things. I knew what she meant; she always wanted to travel, but we never had the money. I took her hand and told her we can do it—we can travel the world. I'll find a second job and save every dime I make off it; that will be our travel money.
"That's really sweet, honey, but that's not what I meant," she replied. "It hurts to even ask this, but I want to sleep with other men while still being with you."
I stood still. My world felt like it had just collapsed. It took me a minute, but I told her that I couldn't let her sleep with someone else and stay with her. The betrayal just felt too much to bear. She seemed upset at first, telling me that I was holding her back from experiencing life after what she'd been through. I suggested she take up other hobbies that made her life more fulfilling, and she reluctantly agreed.
The next few weeks after she popped the question, her behavior changed. She would come home from the office late a few nights out of the week. When she would come home, she would tell me that she was just hanging out with her co-workers or had to stay later to help work on a project, and I didn't pay much attention to it at first.
One time, I saw her come home particularly late in clothes that she hadn't left the house in. Her makeup was done beautifully, and she wore a red dress, much like Jessica Rabbit's. She looked really happy as she walked into the house. I asked her why she had changed her outfit from her usual work attire to this elegant dress, and she said they had an after-hours work event to boost the morale of the team. I asked her where it was and why she hadn't brought it to me. She only answered one of my questions: she said they didn't allow them to bring spouses because the food bought was on the company's dollar. I let it go, and she went upstairs to prepare for bed.
In the following days, she wore her makeup the same way from that night and started wearing more vibrant, fitted work clothes. It was a subtle change, but I knew Mia, and Mia despised wearing makeup unless it was a special occasion. On the weekends, I noticed while she was running errands she would now start putting on makeup and the expensive perfume I bought her for one of our anniversaries. She didn't wear it when we went out, though.
The dates between us started to become few and far between, and it wasn't because I wasn't planning them. Every time I would try to propose a candlelight dinner or reading in a park, Mia said she would be busy that day or that she was tired and wanted to rest. But later that day, she would leave the house to go somewhere alone.
I didn't want to bring up the changes I saw because I figured this was probably what she meant by feeling alive. She was taking care of herself more and dressing herself up. Who would I be to tell her otherwise?
Some days after running errands, she would tell me how a guy in the grocery store hit on her. I was never the jealous type, but she would go on and on about how the guy looked at her. Even at work, she would come home, and the second I would ask her about her day, she would lead to how a certain guy at her job was so smart and how great he was at problem-solving.
The uneasiness settled in when we would host game nights at our house and my male friends would come over to play. After they left, Mia would go on about how cute they were when they were losing or how another one was so funny. She seemed to have taken an interest in them, and I debated not having people over anymore. But at the same time, I didn't want to take away any fun experiences from Mia, considering she almost lost her life. I felt torn.
I knew I had to talk to her, so after work one day, I made her dinner and brought up her recent changes. I told her I noticed she was coming home late, often wearing makeup, dressing better, and talking about more dudes in her life. I told her about how insecure it made me feel in the relationship.
She did not take it well. She said that I was being controlling and that she wasn't doing anything to raise suspicion. I said that I trusted her, but her actions were just alarming considering the talk we had a few weeks ago. She said that she didn't need a man to control her life and that I didn't understand what it was like to face death. "So yeah, I'm going to experience this life to the fullest," she said.
I apologized for getting her riled up, said I was just concerned about her behavior, and told her I only wanted the best for her. That night, I sat in our bed feeling guilty about everything. I accused her of cheating on me, and now I'm sitting here with an egg on my face. Mia was doing exactly what I told her to do: try new hobbies like makeup, fashion, and being more sociable. And here I was telling her to stop because it made me feel uncomfortable. I felt terrible. I was too strict on her.
Then I began to think: why was she only more sociable to men? The feeling of potentially being toyed with ate at me. One moment I felt that she was playing me and using cancer as a cover-up for her true intentions, and the next moment I felt guilty for convincing myself of this.
It had been weeks since our last date. Every night that Mia would come home, it would be almost my bedtime. We didn't talk much other than an occasional "How was your day?" or "Could you pick up milk on your way home?" Mia started going on weekend trips, and whenever I asked her where she was going, sometimes she would say she was just out with her girlfriends; other times she claimed it was for her job. I told her it was weird that they had her working late and asking for time on the weekends, and she said that it was because of some big project they were preparing for. I asked her if I could tag along, and she accused me of not trusting her. She seemed really upset every time I asked her, so after a while, I would stop asking and tell her goodbye and to be safe.
One day, she came home from work late again, as usual, and spoke to me first. I hadn't experienced this for a long time, and I was excited to talk to her. She asked me if I had time to talk, and I said, "Of course." She then dropped another bomb on me. She asked if we could open our marriage and went on to talk about all the benefits we would have. She said we would both be happier and that we would no longer have to worry about being jealous of each other because we both would establish ground rules in the beginning.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My heart felt just as broken as when she asked for my permission to cheat on me the first time. I felt a lump in my throat and looked at her. I knew I didn't want anybody else. She was waiting for my answer, and I saw the look on her face was of desperation. I told her that I still didn't feel comfortable opening our marriage, and she began to cry. She cried and pleaded. Mia told me that surviving cancer was the biggest eye-opener for her and changed her life. She said she craved more excitement out of life now to make up for the years that were robbed of her from the constant suffering. I was confused about what prompted her to ask this, but I was sure of one thing, and that was that I wanted to make her happy. Though it hurt, I agreed to an open marriage.
The next few weeks were rough. I dealt with constant paranoia. Every guy Mia would bring up, a little voice in my head told me they had been with my wife. I hosted fewer game nights, not because I didn't want my wife around my friends anymore, but because I didn't have it in me to play the role of a happy person when I was in a constant state of paranoia and insecurity in my relationship. Every interaction I had with my friends became tarnished because the excitement on Mia's face while talking about them would flash in my mind.
After a while, one of my buddies from the game night reached out asking how I was doing. He told me they saw a change in me and wanted to know what happened. I was too embarrassed to tell him that my wife opened our marriage and told him instead that one of my relatives died and that was the reason I had been off the past couple of weeks. He gave his condolences and said if I needed anything to let him know. I truly appreciated Chad; he was one of my best friends in high school; he always kept it real.
Mia was coming home even later now, and sometimes she wouldn't come home at all. This was really affecting my mental state. Most nights I didn't get much sleep because I was thinking about her and what she was doing. I tried calling her some nights, but the phone would often ring and ring without an answer. I noticed she started putting her phone on do not disturb most nights. I was reflecting on my decision to do what made me happy and realized that I agreed to these terms at my demise. I often thought about whether I wanted to keep this up or if this decision would be sustainable for our relationship, and I knew that I couldn't go much further without ending up in an asylum.
After about 2 months of having an open marriage, I decided to talk to Mia. She finally came home after being gone for 3 days, and I knew I had to speak to her then since I didn't know the next time I'd have an opportunity to. I brought up the marriage and how I've been feeling lately, but it felt like while I was talking, Mia was looking at me but not really listening to what I was saying, or maybe she did listen and neglected to care. I told her I couldn't continue this relationship if we remained open, and that's when I saw a spark of sincerity on her face. She said that she apologized and said she hated to see me go through this alone. She agreed that we could close our marriage again and that that phase was behind us. This felt like such a relief to me. We hugged and went upstairs to renew our bond with one another.
For a while, everything went back to normal, and Mia and I were happily married. She stopped coming home as late and stayed home every day. She still wore makeup every day, and her sense of style was still great, but that didn't matter to me. I was happy that we were both happy together.
Until one night, she joked about an open marriage again. At first, I couldn't tell if she actually desired that or if she was joking. I played it off as a joke and continued on.
After a few weeks, Mia brought it up again, sounding a bit more serious, saying how she missed that time and how she felt like she was on a high. I asked her if this marriage alone was not enough for her, and she said it was, but it didn't compare to the new adventures she would take with other men while also knowing she had a reliable man at home. Again, I felt betrayed hearing this. I felt like she was pretending all along to be satisfied with me only because she feared losing me. I told her that I could not be in an open marriage for the sake of my mental health and left it at that.
That night, after she went to bed, I did something I'm not too proud of. I saw her phone on the kitchen counter as I came down to get some water, and I went through her phone while she was sleeping. I had to know for sure if she was being monogamous to only me after we decided to close our marriage. My hands were shaking, and I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins. I was on edge unlocking her phone. I navigated to the messages and checked her recents. I saw her most recent text was from a guy named Big Chatty. He had told her good night and that he loved her. I dropped the phone back on the counter and felt the room spin around me as I regained my balance. I scrolled up to see their conversation. He talked about her leaving her husband and living a better life with him. She said she wanted all that and more, but it was complicated. At the time, they talked about future plans together and said that he wanted to see her more than just the weekend trips they took together. I should have known she wasn't taking business trips. In the messages, I even saw him sending her money for her hair, nails, and new clothes. That's where she got the new clothes from. When all the pieces started coming together, I felt like someone punched me right in the gut. I looked at the history these two had together, and they dated all the way before she asked me for the first pass on an affair. They had been talking about seeing each other before she was declared cancer-free. One of her messages to him was, "If I beat this, you definitely have to take me to the Maldives LOL." I couldn't believe her. This sadness quickly turned into rage. I felt my blood boiling and had to know who this Big Chatty was. I checked the number, and it looked awfully familiar; it had the same area code as ours. I could hear my heartbeat through my ears. I ran to grab my phone and searched for the number. It was Chad, my high school best friend. My heart shattered.
The next morning, I woke her up with her phone in my hand. She asked me what I was doing, and I had no words. I opened up the messages between her and Chad and showed her. She instantly tried to explain that she didn't mean to hurt me and their affair meant nothing to her. She even tried to say that's why she hadn't left me yet because she still loved me and only wanted me as her husband. I was enraged. When she saw that I wasn't taking it how she expected, she began to cry and beg, just as she did when she asked for an open marriage. She again said that the cancer made her want to seek new experiences. I told her that the cancer didn't affect her brain and that I was leaving. She begged and cried at my feet, and it was hard seeing her like this, but I knew that I couldn't continue living with a liar. She and Chad both betrayed me too badly, no matter what she'd been through. I needed better for myself. I packed up my belongings and left. As I made my way to the car, I looked back to see her at the door crying and felt sorrow take over me. I left before I could give myself a chance to change my mind, and on the car ride, I suddenly felt a bit relieved knowing that my gut feeling was right all along. The constant gaslighting of my feelings left me in so much emotional turmoil that I didn't know how much baggage I was actually carrying until I left.