Transcription
Hi everybody, Scott here. In this video, we're going to look at INFJs in relationships, looking at a particular way that an INFJ may get stuck in resolving issues in a relationship that the INFJ might not even be aware of.
Just before we start, just to let everybody know that I am a counselor and an MBTI practitioner. If that is of interest to you, feel free to email me. The link is in the description.
Now, this video is based on an article that I've written that I'll also link in this video and in the description below. So, what I'll be doing is just unpacking that article in a little bit more detail. Some people like the visual verbal communication, some like the written. So feel free to click on the link if you, if you'd like to read through the article.
Now, before we start this video, I should just preface that this, this video is for some INFJs. Um, there, it's not for every INFJ. It could resonate with, with a like a subset of INFJs that might identify with this challenge that they don't know they have.
Now, I think it's fair to say that an INFJ very much prioritizes the internal relationship over the external relationship. When they're in a relationship, the external aspect of the relationship really isn't as important. What is important is cultivating a strong, solid connection with their partner and, and doing that together, doing, um, doing the internal world together. And I think that's a primary gift that the INFJ has is their ability to cultivate and help cultivate a bond and a connection that really is second to none.
Now, the main way that an INFJ tries to promote and cultivate the relationship is through building harmony. So, everything is, uh, done, um, at least initially in a, in a gentle way. There are invitations to go deeper, there are promptings to share a vulnerable space.
Now, I believe that the main reason, or a reason for this, this focus of relationship, this internal focus, is that by building an insulated, um, and cultivating a deep connection means that that's promoting a space where all the problems that will arise in relationship can be resolved from. And I think what the INFJ is very good at is identifying potential issues that actually get in the way of cultivating that connection. And so, it's almost like the INFJ is able to do like an initial analysis of the relationship and, and the dynamic and so on, see the liabilities that are there. Um, and usually that's where the INFJ is just gently trying to point out or bring awareness to and invite the other into a dialogue to help resolve those things that are, or potentially will get in the way of building this bond, building this connection. That's the prime, like, that's the initial process, part of that process. Other, sorry, the reason for that process, other than just having that the joy of a connection, is that it will safeguard the couple to resolve, uh, bigger problems that they'll face in their relationship as time goes on.
Now, where the INFJ gets unstuck is when they've chosen someone that may not share that value or even recognize it. And so the INFJ can spend a lot of time in those initial stages in the relationship, inviting a deeper connection, and it be either misunderstood or missed or rejected by the other, either because they just don't even recognize it, or it's uncomfortable. It's going to the, the, there's, there's almost an unconscious awareness in the other person that what the, my INFJ is asking of me is leading me towards something uncomfortable that I don't understand. And I, I, I'm going to withdraw a little bit from that. I'm going to protect myself a little bit.
Now, the INFJ is going to recognize that and even try to offer a way forward to even address that discomfort. But often that might actually increase the discomfort in the other person, leading to even more either active or passive resistance.
So, when an INFJ is in this process of trying to cultivate a deeper connection and it's, it's not going anywhere, the INFJs eventually are probably going to react in some way. Now, that could just be a slight elevation in frustration. It could even be some withdrawing from the relationship due to the disappointment of what's happening, or even the confusion as to why it's not happening, because the INFJ's intention is usually so pure that it's confusing that the other doesn't trust that intention.
What can end up happening for the INFJ eventually, as all of these attempts for deeper connection aren't met, is a reaction, a strong, a stronger reaction. You could call it an "S.E. in the grip" reaction, where in the moment, the INFJ is very stressed and very verbal and direct about their hurt and frustration and confusion.
Now, what the INFJ usually does in that way is they, like other, whether it's other types or some other people can, um, maybe use more of a manipulative, controlling, or even lies to try to coerce the other into complying. The INFJ usually uses truth to try to get their message through. So, even when they're, even quite hostile in their, um, in their approach, they're usually still using truth to, in order to try to get through to the other person, in order to build harmony. Because the ultimate, I, the ultimate goal is for harmony. So, even in, in a hostile reaction, it's still trying to promote that harmony and connection.
Now, unfortunately for the partner, um, that reaction can be, can be overwhelming, uh, for a few reasons. Firstly, they may actually be completely surprised as to, like, where is this coming from? Because they're somewhat oblivious to the INFJ's attempts. But also, they're probably going to be equally confronted by the truth that is contained in, in the INFJ's reaction, uh, because usually it can't be argued against. It's usually pretty spot-on, but it's delivered in such a way that it really just promotes the, the other to, uh, protect themselves in some way, shut down even further, or equally react, uh, verbally and, you know, get into a, a major conflict.
So, because of the INFJ's, um, offensive approach after repeatedly trying in more gentle ways, um, that usually, um, promotes a protective response in the other. It doesn't work. The INFJs sort of like tried their best up until this point, and usually that leads to quite a deep disappointment and withdrawal. And, um, that can sometimes lead to the proverbial INFJ door slam, which we'll touch on again a bit later.
So, I've kind of phrased "hope exhaustion," and what that essentially is, is a continual promotion of a connection while holding on to the hope of connection for a prolonged period. And I think a lot of INFJs would identify with kind of being in that state, uh, for a long time. As I said before, that will eventually, um, or is very likely to lead to a door slam of some kind. It could take months, years, decades, but eventually a door slam is probably, if nothing else changes, a door slam is likely.
So, often when an INFJ is in this situation, they are usually very perplexed because they generally have a very keen understanding and awareness of the problems that need to be resolved in order for the couple to move forward. But at the same time, seems and is utterly powerless to make any change or promote any change.
Now, what I'm about to say is going to sound potentially unusual for some INFJs. The approach that's required to get that harmonious connection is a more self-aware, centered, and open approach that invites the other in. Now, that is essentially what the INFJ, um, appears to be doing, uh, throughout the promotion of trying to build this, build this connection. However, as we'll go into a bit later, there's often something else going on in the background of that that's hindering, uh, and causing a stuckness in the goal of connection.
So, sometimes when a relationship doesn't work out, uh, the INFJ is usually very, very aware of the "why." The "why" of why it didn't work out. Now, for the sake of this video, we'll call that the "external why." In the sense that, while it might appear like a, a deep understanding of the "why," and there is some depth to the understanding of the "why," there is an external component to it, which we'll explore as we go along. In that, it usually focuses on, like, the relationship problems, maybe what's going on, or what's wrong in the other person, and essentially what's not working.
Now, for some relationships, the "external why," the "why" that the INFJ is already aware of, may be enough, um, for, um, a justification for the relationship not working out and moving on. And in that case, there's, there's no harm done for, um, the INFJ in regards to their pursuit of future relationships. It's where there's this deeper issue going on that means that if they don't do what I call the "internal why," then they're setting themselves up for future failure in relationships because they haven't quite got down to the core issue within themselves that could be leading to problems in their relationships.
Now, I think what I'm alluding to here, as like, what is this deeper problem that the INFJ could have? I think it's like an Achilles' heel for the INFJ. Because, because the INFJ is so good at identifying problems, this particular problem is actually outside of the awareness of the INFJ, usually. Therefore, it's not factored into the equation, often, to help facilitate change in a relationship. And that's where the door slam can be problematic because I think sometimes when this dynamic is going on, when the INFJ door slams, they're also sort of reinforcing, like, a trap door in themselves that is cutting themselves off from the, the internal wiring themselves that needs to be addressed for change and success in relationships to happen.
Now, there are a lot of questions that can be asked in this process of trying to get in touch with the "internal why." Now, they could actually apply to the external and the internal. You know, "What are the relationship problems?" and "What may be a relationship problem with myself?" But essentially, some questions can be, uh, things like, you know, "Why was I in so much pain in this relationship?" "What initially attracted me to this person?" "What did I, what was I attracted to?" "What wasn't I attracted to in this person?" Other questions could be, "Why does this keep happening to me?" "Why did I continue to try harder and harder, even though it was obvious that things weren't working?"
Very valuable questions to ask oneself. And the reality is, because of the complexity that we are as humans, the answers to those questions can be numerous. And there are often many nuances that go into that that allows unique, unique answers to those questions to come forward. But there is a common thread that usually runs through them all, which is there are unresolved childhood wounds and or attachment styles that, um, that were modeled in childhood, that are being acted out unconsciously in the relationship, that, uh, is leading to a dynamic that can't be resolved.
What's fascinating about this is usually there is enough positive and enough, sorry, enough negative that that helps to bring, kind of, a unity to the connection. Even though there are problems in it, there's, there's usually enough of the positive and enough, enough of the negative to kind of keep it going along.
Now, in the area of counseling, this is the main area, or one of the main areas, that I can focus on in counseling with clients, whether it's an individual or a couple, is helping to unpack the deeper, usually unconscious "whys" that are leading to the, uh, either relationship problems with self or within the relationship, relationship itself.
So, often the INFJ and their partner, their partner is usually doing a, the same or a similar dynamic, which is helping to create this, uh, sort of unified disunified connection. They're trying to heal, essentially. They're, um, they're either trying to heal unresolved childhood wounds and or resolve attachment wounds from childhood with their parents or significant caregivers, and trying to do that in an unconscious fashion. And what usually happens is the response from, so let's say the INFJ is attempting to heal something, and so they're looking for a particular kind of response or engagement from the other. The, the irony, and almost the tragedy of it, is that the other person usually is acting out something in themselves that means that they can't respond in the way that the INFJ needs for there to be that connection or that resolution to the unconscious issue, which leaves, leads to hurt. And, and this, and it's flipped around as well. The other is, the other is also trying to resolve something that they would like the INFJ to heal, but usually the INFJs, because of their own issues, um, either can't see or are unable to meet that need because it's all happening in the unconscious realm. And so you, you end up with two people trying to get healing from the other in an unconscious fashion, and it usually just ends up in people feeling hurt.
Now, the reason for this unconscious approach is because there is pain involved. And so the hope, the unconscious hope, if you like, is that healing would come, will come from the other without pain. Ironically, what ends up happening is it, it actually brings about the pain for it to be healed.
So, that's, um, so this is why the INFJ is somewhat hamstrung from being able to occupy an open, transparent space because there's this unconscious element that's beyond N.I. in a, in a way that is trying to get something healed unconsciously. And there's a protective mechanism going on in there that, that's basically saying, you cannot turn up holistically, um, in the, in, in that deepest sense, because it's too terrifying. Because there's, there's, there's often issues of rejection there that parts of the self are designed to avoid from happening. They help avoid, uh, possible rejection. And the reality is, protective parts within us usually always promote and bring about the very problems that they're seeking to be protected from.
So, put in, in a sort of more simple fashion, for the INFJ at least, is that within the context of, relay, of the relationship that they are in, they actually have a relationship problem with themselves first, that's getting in the way of their ability to resolve and engage in, in the relationship and resolve the problems in it second. And that relationship problem with themselves first is, uh, historical, in that it's, it's due to pain from the past that's trying to be resolved in the present. So, the INFJ has a relationship problem with themselves that they can't see, which could actually be helping to facilitate or creating the problems in the relationship that they can see.
Now, this whole dynamic that I've been unpacking, is it may be one of the main reasons for the, the breakdown or the end, ending of relationship. Uh, usually it just is, there's just so much pain and disappointment and a lack of progress in moving forward that one or both, uh, end up just running out of, running out of steam, and it, and it ends. However, there are opportunities. There are usually moments for a couple where they, where this, that deeper issue is actually trying to bring itself out into the open. There's just opportunities where that could be engaged with. But usually, um, the INFJ and all the other, usually both, in, in their own way, their protective mechanisms actually shut down the possibility of that, of that deeper issue being felt or seen, because it's just too painful.
So, that's why there, that can lead to a failure, a failing of a relationship. However, it is actually possible to resolve the "internal why," both in the INFJ and, and in their partner, whilst the relationship is still, uh, somewhat intact. I'm not sure if it's rare, rarer, but, um, maybe it's a bit of more of the, the road less traveled. At least in some cases, that sometimes the "internal why" can only be resolved, or is often resolved, after relationships ended. When that dynamic has, um, uh, has been broken, that dynamic that keeps them in this sort of unresolved state, when that is broken, then a space is created actually for answers and awarenesses to come in.
So, whether you're an INFJ in a relationship or outside of relationship, but something of what I'm saying is resonating, then an intentional exploration of that deeper "internal why," going back into childhood, can be helpful. I might not have said this before, but when a couple is able to figure out the "internal why," what is this dynamic that's going on that we just can't seem to to change or or break? When a couple figure that out, that can really breathe new life both into themselves and the relationship.
Now, some might be watching this saying, "I was in a relationship with a narcissist or anything. Nothing worked." And that, that's probably the case. Um, I would say, in regard, in regards to this video, whether the INFJ is in that relationship or outside of it, or maybe particularly if they're, they're in it, any positive change that the INFJ makes, any growth that the INFJ is able to engage with within themselves, will be most likely attacked or sabotaged or shamed in some way to try to disempower the INFJ from their growth, so that they, they can stay in a place of, um, where they can be more, maintain that level of control that the narcissist is able to continue to control the relationship. So, no amount of change in the INFJ will usually affect any positive change in the relationship.
Now, in regards to the article that I wrote, in this video, everything else I'm saying applies for an INFJ, in my opinion, whether they're in a relationship or were in a relationship with a narcissist or not, in the sense of they need to get in touch with the "internal why." Now, the "internal why" within the relationship, with a narcissist, it's probably, um, it probably just means that the, the wounds that have led to the INFJ-narcissist dynamic, the attraction of it, and the, the forming of that, of that dynamic, probably just means that there's just more unconscious material that needs to be resolved in the INFJ in order for them to, to, um, heal from the wounds, um, that have emerged. Sorry, heal from the wounds that ultimately probably led them into that relationship in the first place.
Now, ironically, and it's not for this video, but it's an important point, um, I think the INFJ often, if the INFJ finds themselves in a relationship with a narcissist where the pain is really off the Richter scale, it's usually because it's going to require that amount of pain to wake up the unconscious aspect of the INFJ that they're shut off from. And so, ironically, like, it's like the, the cloud, you know, "every cloud has a silver lining" kind of thing, that even in, in those situations where there's usually devastation involved in that kind of dynamic, um, it can lead to a very positive and powerful change and healing in the INFJ that it really is needed for them to fulfill their life's purpose.
Now, that's not to condone the abuse that goes on in those kinds of relationships at all, but they're just the reality is, we choose who we choose. And, um, it's important that we take responsibility for our choices. And, of course, if we're in, uh, abusive relationsh, abusive relationship, we should deal with that and get out of that and get distance from that to stop that from occurring. But what that should essentially do is create enough space, like, it's kind of like a way of breaking that dynamic in order for the INFJ to, to examine and go on a deeper journey within themselves to figure out the "why" of getting involved in that kind of relationship in the first place.
Now, the same can be said in a non-uh narcissistic type dynamic. It's just usually a, a lot tamer, sort of more tame, a form of it, although the pain can still be quite acute. So, the reality is, relation, some relationships don't work out. And I think the good news is, sometimes a breakup can actually be a breakthrough because it actually creates space for change to occur within the individual or in the individuals that could lead to reconciliation or not. But it, there's a great, there's a great opportunity there when a, when there is a break to do that sort of self-examination and go on a journey of exploration within to try to get to the bottom of the "internal why."
Now, getting to the bottom of the "internal why" essentially positions the INFJ to have successful relationships that may not have been possible before because of the, the unconscious playing out these scripts from childhood, whether they're wounds that have been, that we're trying to be healed, or acting out attachment styles or wounds within, within a relationship that kind of locked the couple into that more negative dynamic. Once that's worked through, the INFJ essentially has restored relationship with themselves by restoring, or working through the wounds of the past that were affecting their relationships in the present. And so the INFJ is going to actually, um, that they get one of the greatest rewards from this work, which is a, a clearer, more centered, peaceful relationship with themselves, where they, they just know more, they're open to more within themselves. Ironically, or believe it or not, there's, there's more there. And, um, that, that, and that sort of helps to create a landscape both to attract the right kind of person that's open to that kind of work as well, or they've also done that work. And the, the landscape of the relationship, uh, is completely different.
What was an essentially unconscious dynamic that was playing itself out in a dysfunctional or even destructive way, through this work, the INFJ and the other person can have a conscious relationship where they're much more aware of their triggers, they're much more aware of, um, recognizing when they're not in self and when they're acting from a protective part that is, um, acting in a way to try to, yes, well, just protect themselves from the other person, or, you know, playing those games of, um, trying to position the other person to meet the other person's need in an unconscious way. There's room there now for it to be more conscious.
So, the, the INFJ or the other person being very aware of, um, yeah, there's this part of me that is now, um, I can see this part of me wants to argue this or wants to defend this. I wonder why I want to defend that. Or I wonder why I'm getting defensive. I wonder why I'm focusing more on you and what you're doing than on me and what I'm doing. All of these, these precious moments where there is this different "I," as some would put it, there's a different "I" on the inside that is recognizing these other "eyes." Excuse me, these other "eyes" that used to act this stuff out unconsciously. Now, there's an "eye" on the inside that's noticing these other "eyes" and what they're capable of, or just recognizing that the temptation to act from a different "eye" or or respond from a different "eye." There's moments where there's just awareness in there, in there to say, "All right, now I'm not going to say that," or "I'm not going to do that," or "I'm not going to ask that," whatever it might be. It just, there's, there's like, there's an opportunity to be in the now in a way that wasn't possible previously. That matures self, re matures relation, uh, sorry, matures relationship, um, and then sort of essentially enables a successful relationship to develop.
So, there might be people that are watching this that are in the midst of a breakup, or they're, um, in the midst of a divorce, or they just resonate with this video, that, yeah, there are deeper, or there's some internal "whys" that I've censored there, or I now know are there, that, uh, I want to get to the bottom of. Um, it's essentially, it's a relationship breakup, um, and, um, internal pain. It's like, no one wishes that on anyone, essentially. It's a very difficult and painful process, um, but a necessary one. Um, and I think a, actually a journey that, uh, INFJs are particularly prone to be going down because of that journey of transformation that most INFJs are sort of drawn to, you know, that sort of deeper growth element of, of them has an opportunity through this kind of work to, to actualize.
So, there's a quote by, um, a guy by the name of Will Rogers. I don't quite, uh, I don't really know this guy, this man at all, but there's a famous quote that he has, which I'll read, which is: "The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you, if you don't let it get the best of you." And I think when we have a relationship breakup, it is often an opportunity. It feels like the worst thing that could happen to us, but it can sometimes turn out to be the best thing that happens to us if we respond to it in the right kind of way.
So, anyway, I hope this video finds you well. Uh, just to let you know again, I am a counselor and an MBTI practitioner. If that is of interest to you, feel free to make contact via email in the description below. And thank you again for watching this video. There is the article, as I mentioned before, you can find that again in this video or in the description below if you want to have a read of it. And thanks again for watching, and I'll see you in another video.