Transcription
foreign abusive marriage, actually. Um, and I, I've met another female and I'm just struggling. I, I don't know if I should let this develop or not. Um, if I'm ready for that.
[Music]
Yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Sure, we talk about your mental health, your emotional health, what's going on in the world, what's going on in your life, what's going on in your marriages, whatever happens to be on your mind or in your life, or whatever. I'm here for you. Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. The show is real people going through real junk in their life, and I don't have all the answers, but I promise I'll sit with you. Promise I'll sit with you. Or you can go to JohnDeloney.com. Ask. Um, don't forget, you know, this is my favorite thing to ask, but don't forget to like and share and subscribe and hit all the, the algorithm buttons. Um, it really, really makes a difference when it comes to show rankings. It makes a huge difference on kicking this thing up to the algorithms. And there's somebody right now who's in an abusive relationship, somebody who doesn't know how to connect with their kid, somebody who's struggling with what the schools are telling their child, and they don't know where to go. And when you like or subscribe to the show, it kicks it up into their YouTube feed or into their podcast feed, and they get a different person's perspective. And so thank you so much. Costs nothing, but you really help out a lot. And last thing I'll ask you to do is go to JohnDeloney.com and pick up "Building a Non-Anxious Life." We're still in pre-sale. It is breaking every record we got around here, and it's awesome. I'm super excited about it. In fact, I don't even know what to say. I'm kind of speechless. And you all know if you listen to the show, that is a rare thing that I run out of words. Um, but I was just sitting on my front porch the other night, just staring off into space. I, I just don't have the words for it. So I'm so grateful. If you haven't picked it up, it's 20 bucks. You get a whole bunch of free stuff with it. Um, but "Building a Non-Anxious Life." And on behalf of all of us, let's just commit to that. Can we commit to, like, not living in the chaos anymore? And that means we have to give up some stuff. That means we have to maybe make some less money. Um, that means we're gonna maybe have one or two less activities to do, or whatever. Let's just commit to building non-anxious lives. I promise the smoke will clear. I promise.
Let's go out to Ryan in Gainesville, Florida. What's up, Ryan?
Dr. Deloney, thank you for having me.
Of course, man. Thank you for calling in. What up?
Um, I'm having some guilt. Um, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing as far as my situation goes.
Okay, hold on. Before you tell me, I only, I tend to believe that guilt. Well, no. Okay, I'm gonna interrupt you. Go ahead.
I was gonna, I was gonna, I've just been wrestling with something just philosophical, but this isn't the time or place for my stuff. So go ahead. You go with you. Go ahead, Ryan.
Well, I'm, I'm a, I'm a chronic overthinker and I have anxiety, uh, depression. Um, and I just got out of a physically abusive, uh, marriage, actually. Um, and, uh, second marriage, and divorced two and a half months ago. Um, and I, I've met, uh, another female and I'm just struggling. I, I don't know if I should let this develop or not. Um, if I'm ready for that, or if it's the right thing to do in the first place.
Two kids?
Yeah, with my first marriage.
Okay. Um, how long was your second?
Nine months.
Yeah. Well, you just said, yeah, you judged your that length of time. I didn't. What happened, man?
She started, she started getting physically abusive with me, which she knew I've been in one other relationship where that, that has been a problem, and she knew all about that. I would never, you know, I would never resort to that. And that, it is, it got pretty bad. And that, that's when I knew, regardless of the length of time. And, and I don't believe in, I'm a Christian, I don't believe in divorce. Um, I don't, I, I'm not, believe it or not, I'm not the one who actually chose to get divorced. I chose to get separated. Um, because of the physical abuse. And it happened in front of my son one time. So I approached her about getting a separate, separating from her. And then her response was, well, I don't believe in separation. It's either we divorce or, yeah.
Okay. So, I mean, it sounds like you're married to someone who is struggling with a lot, pretty immature. And, um, what is it about you that draws you to volatile, abusive women?
Struggling to answer myself, to be honest with you. I, I don't know.
Do you like to help? Are you just a pretty stable, secure guy? You said you're anxious, you struggle with some anxiousness. And so that almost is like, uh, fire and fire coming together, right?
I've always been an agreeable person. I, I don't like conflict. Um, I am stable. I do, you know, I have three jobs. I, I've worked. I've done a lot of things to better myself. During that, I, I was with my recent ex-wife three years, by the way. So it was a nine-month marriage, but we were together for three years. And I, I worked on a lot. She pointed out a lot of things I needed.
I bet she let you know loud and clear what you screwed up on and you needed to fix, right?
And I, and I did. I made a lot, I made a lot of effort to change. And, and I'm thankful for it because I did better myself. Um, but at the same time, all I asked for from her was to be loved. I, I never asked her, I didn't want to change. I don't, I know I don't want anything other than, you know, obviously her temper. But I, I didn't ask her to change anything. But I, I accepted her challenge to change myself. And I changed a lot of things. I did. But once she started becoming physical, I, I knew right then and there, I, I had to get away.
Yeah. Um, so maybe that's an unfair question just to lob on my part. Um, but I think it's something worth considering. And if you go back and look at some of the previous relationships you've been in where people were violent with you, and my guess is the other ones where they weren't violent, there was some volatility there. Is that fair?
Yes, sir.
Yeah, there were some ups and downs and some whoa and some yikes. Um, and so I would, I think an important thing to do would be to write down four or five or ten things that were common across those relationships. How'd you feel? What did they say? What did, um, when there was a, well, there's a disagreement, how was there some commonality there? Because that's going to help be your compass for no matter how good it feels, how, how attracted you are to somebody, how funny she is, or how alive she makes you feel. That's going to be a good roadmap for, hey, I've been down this road before. It's at least enough to get you to ask some questions, right?
Right.
And so when it comes to, I get this question a lot. Um, how long after I'm divorced should I start dating? How long should I? I don't have a, I don't have a, you need to wait six months or four. I don't have a thing because a lot of marriages were done five years before they actually get divorced. They were over for a long time. In some marriages, like yours, like, hey, I just want to take a separation for 30 days, and she's like, well, fine, I'll file on you, and it's just over, right? And so some of that is some smoke clearing. I think my general wisdom is, if you can't talk about your previous relationship without your heartbeat taking off on you, you're probably not ready. If you can't walk through, here's what happened, here's where what, how, where it was so good, and here's where it wasn't so good, and here's where we are now. If you can't do that, you're probably not ready to start dating. And I'll go one step further. Um, I think we get obsessive about finding the next forever person. You have permission just to go have friends, man. Go hang out. You don't have to end up sleeping with everybody. You don't have to end up in a romantic relationship with everybody. You can't just go have fun, hang out. You know what I mean? Like, there's a, it's hard once you're married. It seems like, all right, now we're back into the, you either go like, I'll go play the field, bro. That's dumb. Or all right, I gotta find the next to the next. I mean, there's, there's some middle ground there. See what I'm saying?
Yes, sir.
I feel like my faith has allowed me to change my viewpoint as far as what you just mentioned. That's always approached dating that trap I put myself into. But this time, after this second divorce, I really prayed about it. I, I've sought, um, counsel from my church, and they've, they've said exactly what you just said. Just, just focus on myself and just let, you know, God show me the way.
Well, but some of some of that language is kind of, you gotta be careful about that, great. Because it's like, gosh, it's gonna, he's just gonna put the person in front. I mean, you gotta go out, right? I know people who are still just sitting at home waiting, like, nope, I've been praying and God's just gonna send them out. And it's like, well, dude, you gotta leave your house, right? So it's both and. It's both and. See what I'm saying?
Right.
Gotcha. But I don't think that means I'm not gonna tell you if you've met somebody that's kind and great and just seems like a good human being to be around. I'm not gonna say, like, no, cut that person off. That's, that would be dumb on my part. I also think you're, oh, for two on marriages, right?
Yes, sir.
Um, and my guess is you had some volatile dating relationships before those marriages or in between them. Is that fair?
Yes, sir.
So maybe before I get back in the batter's box, I am going to give a hitting instructor and figure out what I'm doing wrong with my swing. That makes a lot of sense. And when you're in the, like, when you do it that way, you're not worried about what the pitcher's throwing. You're worried about your swing mechanics. And I think I'm a sports writer, so you're, you're talking right to me there.
There you go.
So you're not throwing, you're not worried about what the pitcher's gonna throw. I'm worried about how my stance is and how my feet are and how my hips turn and how my, you know, you know, all that stuff on my wrist turned over. So all that to say is, I would get somebody just to walk through with you. And a good counselor could do that for you. They could walk back in time with you. Also, a couple of wise men that are 10 or 15 years older than you that would just agree to have coffee with you once a week or once a month. That could be amazing. And you could say, hey, I've had this with women. I clearly, I'm not good at dating or being married. Can y'all help? And dudes love giving advice to each other, right?
Right.
But I think having some wisdom there from some people who have been there, maybe talked to some folks who've been divorced before and are in marriage number two or are dating who have got some wisdom on you that can walk you through and say, hey, here's been my experience. Here's what, here's some pitfalls that I fell into. Here's some mistakes I made. Here's some things that I, I wish I'd done again. And that can just be some great, great wisdom. But I think you need to get to the root of why do I think so little about Ryan that I keep ending up in these relationships where I am used as the soil for somebody else to grow? Why am I always the gasoline for somebody else's engine? Because you've got more value in relationships than that, man. You're worth more to those relationships than you just making sure that the other person can chew you up and spit you out. And I'll even go one step further. Volatility in a relationship actually is kind of fun. Like fighting, making up, hooking up, like all, it's fun. Like there's some energy in there. There's, there's the words I hear are alive. People say, like, I felt alive. I felt alive. And that's cool. But I'll tell you, you know what also was cool? Warmth, laughter, fights, being silly. And I have found as I've gotten older that seeking aliveness inside of the comfort instead of trying to squeeze comfort out of, ah, chaos has been a much more sustainable path for relationships. And so I tell you, you know, volatility, you know, bonkers, you know, yelling and screaming, you know, punching and kicking. I want you to practice peace. I'm gonna send you a copy of "Building a Non-Anxious Life." I'm gonna send you a copy of the book, um, about this very thing. And it may be brand new to you, man. I'm gonna challenge you to get with somebody and y'all work through these steps. How do I create this life? I map it out for you in the book. How to create a non-anxious life. And when I do that, I'm gonna create some boundaries that then these new relationships, I'm just not gonna cross. It's not gonna cross. I'm gonna begin to see chaos coming. I'm going to begin to feel my body because it starts gearing up when things get chaotic and volatile. It knows it's coming. And I'm gonna just choose to say, hey, thanks, but no thanks. I'm good. I want to get my kids. I want to get myself. I want to get my future. Patience, kindness, peace, and laughter. Just a much better way to live.
We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey folks, all of us need a little guidance sometimes in life. We're faced with tough situations and choices, and the way forward isn't always clear. I've been in that position. In fact, I'm in that position right now, and therapy is helping me find a path through it. Whether it's a career decision, relationship at a crossroads, or some other struggle you're facing, you need someone to talk with to move ahead with confidence. So if you've ever considered therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp connects you with a licensed therapist who can walk with you on that journey to discover who you want to become. BetterHelp is entirely online, so it's convenient, flexible, and it fits your schedule, whatever your schedule may be. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So let therapy be your map with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/Deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp H-E-L-P.com/Deloney.
All right, we're back. Let's go out to Nicole back to Florida. What's up, Nicole?
Hi, how are you?
Partying? What are you up to?
Oh, nothing. Just hanging out with my five-month-old here.
Whoa. Yeah, you know, it's a good life. It's a good life.
Well played. Well played. What's up?
Um, okay, so my question is, how do my husband and I best raise our sons to not latch on to when I've been diagnosed with OCD and I also have anxiety.
Welcome to the gang, dude. Yeah, right. You're the king. Partying, isn't it? What a fun club to be a part of, right? Um, okay, so how old are your kids? You have a five-month-old and what else?
I got a five-month-old and an almost two-year-old. And I've been noticing with the two-year-old that he is already so, uh, my OCD, it's been called religiosity or scrupulosity. So it feels much more with like, um, in my thoughts and my speech rather than like organizing and stuff like that.
Yeah. Um, hold on. When you get really, really, really tired, what's the physical manifestation?
And I think it's, I grew up in a pretty, um, I mean, fairly religious Mennonite, um, house. And so it's, I think it's based around worrying that I'm gonna sin and go to hell. Like that's the, you know what I mean?
I don't think about that. That's kind of a big consequence, right?
Well, yeah, it is. You know, rather life-changing.
Yeah, some people don't want to get in car wrecks, right? So they don't drive or they don't leave their house. You just don't want to be tortured for eternity, right?
Exactly.
Fair. Exactly fair to your poor sweet little body trying to trying to absorb that. Yeah. So like, it, and like fear of judgment. Let me ask you a scary thing. Yeah. What does that get you? Because it gives you something. What does it give you?
I don't know. I don't know if it's a way to just not deal with what I'm actually feeling.
Look at you, dude. Have you been to counseling before?
Oh, like four different counselors.
All right. Good. Yeah, well played. So you've, you've put some work in already. I can tell.
Yeah, yeah.
So it's a good way for your brain to distract you from reality. So what's the reality you need distracted from?
[Music]
That you're beautiful. That you're a great wife. That you're a fun friend. That you're a good mom. Because you don't feel comfortable when I say those things, do you?
Not entirely.
I can feel it on the phone, man. I can feel it on you. And I'm not even looking at you. Why can't you hear that?
I can hear it. I just think, um, it's hard for me to say out loud to others. Like, I feel like it's immodest.
There you go. And so do you realize that your core sensor is that this whole thing, that this whole body that you inhabit is wrong? That it's broken? You have to just, your body is distracting you from you. And that is a recipe for hell on Earth. And I'm sorry that your other counselors didn't tell you that. Do me a favor. Put your hand, like, open up your hand and put it, um, just below your neck on your chest. Say the words out loud.
I love this girl.
I love this girl.
Okay. Was that easy to do? Is that hard? Are you just performing for the show?
It was off.
I want you to do that 10 times a day in front of the mirror. Here's what you have to make peace with. You have to make peace with you. And I know you called about your daughter. We'll get to your, your daughter's son. We'll get to your kid. Um, but I live this life that you're talking about. And it's when I realized that my body was trying to protect me from what was going on, and it was sending me signals. And so OCD wasn't a thing to run from. It wasn't a thing to be terrified from. And by the way, I have to say, say it upfront, mine's not debilitating. Mine's frustrating and annoying, but it's not debilitating. Like I don't, yeah, it's not either. I don't wash my hands till I bleed or anything like that. Um, but I do have to make a bunch of laps around the house in the evening to make sure the doors are locked. And I do count. I do blink. And I, I got all my, all the stuff that's fine. Here's the deal. It's my body trying to get my attention, almost always. Okay? That's number one. So I don't want you to give up on Nicole. It is not immodest. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, it is honoring the person God created to tell the truth about yourself. And if you're beautiful, and you're a good mom, and you're a great wife, not perfect, none of us are. It's dishonest to not say that. Do not live into that. Okay? And I know that takes work, especially when you've been told by everybody you know and love and care about that that's wrong and that will get you towards your worst fear, which is burning in hell for eternity, right? That's number one. Number two, um, I'm gonna be careful about because I don't want to put my kids' stuff out there too much, but I will say, I sat down with one of my kids just about a year ago, and here's the conversation I had. I have a very special brain. And my brain pays very close attention to certain things. And it is very good at reading a room. And because it's good at reading a room, I can, I, I can make people feel comfortable and give them some peace. I can also make people feel very uncomfortable because then I'm not, when I'm not paying attention, right? And I told one of my kids, you have that same special brain. And it's a gift. And it's just something that makes us different. And we have to work through some things that other people have to work through. And that phrase, "special brain," because one of my kids was counting a lot and asked my wife to turn the radio down because they were trying to blink between every drum beat and they couldn't keep up. And my wife just was like, oh, good. My husband created another one of him. And, um, and at the same time, I would submit that it's been a superpower. It's really frustrating to work with me sometimes, right? And I think it can be fun too, right? So all that to say is this, that phrase, "special brain," and the phrase, "I have it too," and the phrase, "And so we have some extra work to do." Those are your three magic points. Okay?
Okay.
Number one, there is a genetic and a neurological basis for OCD, period. It just is. And genes are most often expressed environmentally. Something in the world that they're growing up in sets them off like a light switch, right? And so if you have parents with OCD, you have parents with ADHD, you're probably gonna have kids with ADHD, or you're not probably, you're going to be statistically more likely to. One, because there's a genetic component. And two, you've created a household that has chaos in it, right? And that's your body's response to it. So the second thing is, is you're gonna let your kid know, you're not alone. I'm with you. And there's something about social norming, especially with kids, letting them know, you're not crazy, you're just like me. And right now, you don't believe it, but you're the most important person in the whole wide world to this little kid. And in a weird way, they get to be like, Mommy. And the third thing is, is it's a context, not an excuse. The world will not bend to us. So when I need to check the locks three times before I leave my house, or five times, or however many times I need to do it, I gotta get up earlier because my work starts at eight o'clock, right? The world doesn't bend to me. You can ask Kelly, she does not bend when I'm late, right? So all I have to say is, you're going to communicate to your kid, this isn't a free pass on the world, right? You got some extra work to do, right? But I don't want you, and it's gonna be hard. I don't want you trying to fix her, him.
Him.
Okay. Well, so, okay. I have a couple questions.
Bring them.
Okay. Well, he's only two, so at what point do I have that conversation with him? What's an age-appropriate? What, what behaviors is he already exhibiting?
Okay, well, that was, I'm obviously going to be like, oh, he has OCD already. Look at that. So I don't know if I'm over concerned.
Or yes, yes, yes.
Yes. So like, he's been, he'll do stuff like, um, closing the doors. And, and all, none of these things are every time. It's not like every time he sees a door open, he has to close it. But he'll, for someone his age, it feels a little peculiar to me. Like he'll close doors.
Have you ever been around two-year-olds before?
A little bit. Not a ton.
Okay. You don't really know what peculiar is. Your kids, I, I'd be willing to bet your kid's great.
Oh, no, he is great. He's fantastic. I just don't know if the behavior is, I don't know if, if normal is a word for a two-year-old. I mean, there's there's some way outside of the bell curve stuff. And I also think as a culture, we've gotten so obsessed with these norming things that we're, we've made our kids who are special in and of themselves. Every kid has like a thing, right?
And, well, and he, like, he'll, he'll push our chairs in when we're done with dinner. And he'll, he, he will like, put his toys away, which I'm not complaining about. That is not, that's not, that's not a pathology. It's fantastic. But like, some people see it and they're like, did you tell him to do that? No. Call. Don't put that into the world. It doesn't need to be there. All right. You're a good mom. You're raising a good, healthy kid. And let me say this, here's a trap I don't want you to fall in. Please, please, please, please don't Google diagnose your kid. Okay? Don't. You're gonna make yourself crazy. And you're gonna put, you're gonna give that burden to your kid to carry. It's not, it's not fair. If you have some legitimate concerns about your kids' psychiatric well-being or their pediatric well-being, great. Every parent does. What trained medical professionals are for. Do not make a diagnosis about your kid. Okay? And in fact, you may want to go get re-diagnosed with OCD and see if that still even holds true.
Yeah.
Well, so, okay. So my question is, when he, so when he does stuff like this, like pushing chairs and cleaning his toys up, like doing stuff like that, I love to encourage him to do that. But I guess I'm wondering, am I encouraging an OCD tenancy, or should I just?
Yeah, he's cleaning. He's cleaning up after himself. I know he's pushing in chairs because it's fun. He's accomplishing things. He's moving his body. He's pushing up against resistance and it's moving under his weight. It feels good. Okay? He's picking up his toys probably because he saw his OCD mom picking up everything in her life too. Like, like there's not, what you're telling me, not one single thing. And if he was in bed screaming his lungs out because there was a stuffed animal out of place and it was chaotic and snot coming out of his nose until he got up and moved the arm just right and then got back into bed, then I would say you probably need to go talk to somebody. Like he's clearly projecting something out. But again, he's freaking two. He's two. Sounds like you got a lovely little kid. He's cleaning up. There's just moms all over America listening to this going, what? Cleans up his toys? That's awesome. My son, I don't know how this happened. My son will walk in and be like, I'm tired. I'm going to bed. So I'll feel good tomorrow. I don't know where he got that from. But he doesn't need to go see somebody. It's just amazing behavior. That I'm really, oh, I'm encouraged. I was like, way to go, man. I'm glad you honor your body better than your dad does because your dad's like, I'm tired. I bet I could, uh, drink some coffee and stay up later. Whatever. Then your kids are good. I think the work that needs to be done here, Nicole, let's start with, let's start with Nicole. And I think it would be time to go get re-re-evaluated. Okay? And sit down with a psychologist or sit down with a counselor and say, I'm ready to confront my OCD head-on. And there's some behavioral techniques. There's some therapeutic techniques that are showing incredible efficacy. There's even some medication that's showing some incredible, incredible efficacy. But I think it's time to tackle it head-on. And what we're gonna create is some peace in your house. I'm missing you building a non-anxious life too. Um, oftentimes, especially with thought OCD, thought OCD and anxiety really co-mingle a lot. And, um, takes a pretty sophisticated practitioner to parse them apart. Um, but I'm gonna send you a copy of this book too, because I want you to check it out. You and your husband can read it. And, um, I think it might be good to work through because I think backing out 30,000 feet and handling some of these peripheral things might, um, be a gift to you in the long haul and maybe turn some of these alarms down again. If your kid does some things that are really truly worry you, or as importantly, a couple of moms in your circle that you trust that say, hey, is this normal behavior? Like, yeah, it's fine. Um, please, please take your kid to go see a psychiatrist or go see a child counselor or doctor ASAP, ASAP. If your kids clean up his toys, pushing, pushing the chair in, good for him. It's amazing. It's amazing. And I'll say it again, you're a good mom, Nicole. Very good mom.
We'll be right back. If you've listened to my show any amount of time, you've definitely heard me talk about Thorne. Thorne is an incredible supplement company that makes what I think are the best supplements in the game. I've taken Thorne for years, way before I had a show. As you've probably heard from listening to other podcasts or just walking through a local corner store, there are a million different supplements all claiming the next great thing for all sorts of ailments. Almost all of those claims and products are either lying, not good products, or just a waste of your money. Thorne is one of the very few supplement companies that make pure, clean, tested, and backed-by-science supplements. No fluff, no gimmicks, no nonsense. Thorne is what I take personally, and it's what I give to my kids. And make no mistake, supplements of this quality cost more than the nonsense you see in gas stations. So I've partnered with Thorne for an incredible 25% off discount for our Deloney Show listeners. Go to Thorne.com/Deloney, choose what you want, add it to your cart, create an account, and when you check out, 25% off will be knocked off of the entire order. And here's the best part, that discount sticks around for life. Go to Thorne.com, the letter U, slash Deloney. Check it out.
All right, we're back. Let's go out to Woodstock, Georgia, and talk to the mighty Trevor. What's up, Trevor?
Hey, how's it going, Dr. John?
Doing good, my man. What's up?
Uh, so my main question here is, how do I rediscover my identity and gain confidence and who I am so I can create a more peaceful life for my wife and myself?
Where'd your identity go?
I don't know. I lost it along the way somewhere.
Take me back on the journey. Where'd you lose it?
So I wrote down a little context. You've been taught me at any point. Um, so I've always been like a dream chaser, really satisfied for the quote normal lifestyle. But over the last five years or so, I've been putting on this persona to try and become this badass of a man I thought I really wanted it to come and, you know, hardening my heart, getting really into self-development. I guess it was because that wasn't ever the kind of person I was. I was just like, sensitive, hipster, music type guy. But fitness kind of brought me out of a dark time. Into self-development with that, became a trainer. But the story really starts when I ended up in the Navy SEAL pipeline in 2019. Um, because that was like the image I wanted to become. But I ended up dropping through medical discharge. But it's tough to admit, but I've gotten to a point where I can't admit it. I was really just dropping out. I quit.
Yeah. It's hard, dude. It's hard. But go ahead. Go ahead.
Yeah, so it was a pretty rough experience, process, just getting out of the Navy. That's a, that's a whole other story. But, and I got home just in time for COVID. So that started. And then I became a firefighter shortly after that. I was about three or four months after getting back, so I didn't really have enough time to really mentally recover. Because it shattered my ego, like all my hope, you know, and who I thought I was becoming, just all kind of got shattered. And I just kind of muscled my way through recruit school with the fire department. And, uh, I was there for a few years before I ended up leaving.
Let me, let me just, you know, yeah, who told you there's there's a running ticker tape? You know what that is? Like when you watch the news, that little stock market ticker that runs underneath it, just all the time? Yeah. So running ticker tape in your life, under the story of your life that says, this guy sucks. Who wrote that? Because you didn't write that. Somebody gave that to you. Who wrote that? Which, which time?
I think the biggest one was in Navy, in the Navy separations unit.
You were way before that. Because here's the thing, I have sat personally and hung out with Jocko, and we've talked about what guitars we play. So playing music and lifting weights aren't mutually exclusive. Being in the Navy SEALs and me being a dean of students, man, the first thing, furthest thing from being an ABC, good grief, man. Those aren't mutually exclusive. That's not the issue here. You think you suck. And I want to know where that story came from. Because you chased it with hipster and clothes, and you chased it with music, and then you chased it with muscles, and then you chased it with, um, David Goggins fantasies, and then you chased it with fire jumping fantasies. You're running from something. What are you running from?
I don't, I don't really know. Um, I mean, I was the youngest of three, three boys. And, you know, they were really hard on me growing up. I don't know if that's, that's it. I mean, we could probably talk for hours and unpack it.
Here's the deal. Like, you're not a piece of crap, man. And my promise to you is this, 1000%. If you were a Navy SEAL right now, you still would not like Trevor, period. If you, and you fantasize about this, if at one of the fire fights you were involved with, if you saw a baby and you raced in there and got the baby out, because I know you've played that out in your head before, you would feel good for a minute. Then the next day, you would not like Trevor. The crappiest thing about accomplishment is you go with you. Yeah. And the crappiest thing about failure is you go with you, right? Yeah. So what, like, let's take the Navy SEAL experience, right? Most people wash out because it's designed for most people to wash out. And as someone who benefits from having elite military force out there fighting on my behalf, a guy they don't even know, I hope most people wash out because I want those who don't to be, you know what I mean? I remember spending some time with Jocko and I was like, like my thing is like, everybody's a, like, we're all the same down at the core, right? And then I remember about half an hour and I was like, oh, no, we're different. We're different, right? And so I want that. I'm happy for that. And what about that experience washing out? Weren't you able to go, all right, man, I found my limit. I found the end. And that's awesome. I know most men go their whole life and they never know where that end is. They never know what they're capable of, and they never know how far they can push themselves. You found out. So what about that?
Wasn't a celebration. Of course, you want to be a SEAL, and there's some disappointment there. But what about going, all right, I found, trained as hard as I could, and this is how fast I can run a mile. I know. I now know.
Why?
Why is that?
I guess it confirmed what I was trying to disprove in myself. That you were some kind of loser.
Yeah. Where does that story come from?
I don't really know.
All right. So what are you doing now?
So I'm in pest control. But the next part of the story is I'm running an online coaching business. And I'm on my last week full-time job because I've gotten to a point where I can take it full-time. So that's, I'm really trying to dial in.
I'm gonna say something really hard right now, and you're not gonna like it. Is that fair?
Cool.
Yeah. Well, let me ask it instead of saying it. Do you have somebody who is running so hard for themselves? Do you have any business coaching other people?
Do I have what?
Any business coaching other people?
Right now? I mean, I'm having some success.
Of course, you are. Because you know all the right things to say. You're a real smart guy, and you've watched all the videos.
Yeah, that's, that's definitely a thought I've had.
Let me answer the question. I'm calling. Well, let me answer the question for you. If you don't quit on Trevor, the answer is yes. This last book I wrote about anxiety, I ended up leaving my family for a week and I went to a hotel and checked in and had to write myself out. And I spent time in the hotel gym and in front of a computer 24 hours a day for a week. I went crazy. But I never gave up on myself. I didn't give up on my wife. I didn't give up on my kids. I didn't give up on my community or my friends or my job. I kept going. And sometimes it was one tiny, tiny little step in front of the other. But I didn't quit. And so did that disqualify me from for helping people with emotional mental health? No, because I'm, I'm on the same path as everybody else is. In fact, it, I think it gives me some empathy and it gives me some understanding when somebody calls you and says, hey man, I don't know which way to turn. You can go, dude, I know. But you sound like you were dangerously close to quitting on Trevor.
I don't know. I feel like this is my break to really, you know, reel it in.
I need you to hear me say the world needs more coaches. Men need to have coaches in their life. And this will not solve you. Yeah. This won't heal you. It's probably a better word. If you get a million dollars worth of clients this year, and your take-home salary is six hundred and eighty thousand dollars after taxes, it will not heal you. Your dad's not gonna magically pick up the phone and finally say he's proud of you. Your older brother isn't going to finally say, you know what, dude, we were pretty hard on you as a kid. You're awesome. If that call hasn't come yet, that call's not coming. And if it does come only after financial success, it won't feel right. What you have to choose to do is to love and honor Trevor now as you enter into this space. So what are, what are the steps to do that?
I, I don't know. You quote unquote, rediscover your identity. I think you plant a flag in the ground and then you reverse engineer it with a bunch of tiny little actions. So what do I mean by that? You don't. Alex Hormozi was here the other day here at the at the studios, and I think he's the one who first said this. Confidence, you can't think your way to confidence. You can't just imagine, like, I'm going to be confident. I can fight that guy because your body knows. No, you can't. Or the first, the first jab. Remember that Michael, Mike Tyson quote? Everybody's got a plan to get hit in the mouth. And you're like, oh, all right, yep. That's not confidence. That's arrogance. That's that's bullheadedness. That's idiocracy. Confidence is, I've trained for five years. I've been in a lot of hard sparring matches. I'm good. I can stand in here, right? That's confident. And so you get confidence by a thousand little wins. And in your case, you get confidence by, I'm gonna show up for Trevor. Not, I'm gonna show up for Instagram muscles. And not, I'm gonna have the best well-lit coaching photos so I can encourage other men to get other well-lit coaching photos. And you've taken them, haven't you?
Yes, you have.
Yeah. And I'm not gonna sign up from some other world-class, like, 12 people or however many few get through the system a year, and I'm gonna hate myself that I wasn't one of the 12.
Yeah.
Be disappointed, man. You went for it. Most people are so such cowards, they never go for it. They never go for it. You did. It doesn't mean you quit. And I'll say this, I think David Goggins is fun. I think the world needs David Goggins. That is not a recipe for a long, healthy life. Okay? I have chosen well. That makes me a weak, weak, or a coward, or whatever. That one of the hardest paths you can take is to every day be a present father. To every day show up in the boring and mundane and be a present husband. And to do that, to take care of my body and exercise, and to get enough sleep, and to get off my stupid phone. All those things that you know in the self-development space. But you gotta ask yourself, why the Instagram photo? Because you think it's gonna heal you? Because it's not. It has to be because Trevor's worth it.
Yeah, that makes sense.
I'm gonna ask you to do something. I just asked another caller to do that my therapist asked me to do, and it freaked me out. All right. I want you to take your hand and open it as wide as you can and put it right in the middle of your chest. All right. Did you just flex just now when you did that?
I'm just kidding. But you probably did.
Yeah, I knew it. I knew it. All right. I want you to say out loud, I love this guy.
I love this guy.
Say it one more time.
I love this guy.
Is it true?
Yeah.
How do you love Trevor?
Every day I just keep going, keep taking steps forward.
I'll ask you again because I hope you realize how terrible that answer was.
Yeah, I do.
How do you love Trevor every day?
Uh, I appreciate his good qualities. I'm bad at this.
All right. I'm gonna give you a couple of things. Here's how I appreciate John Deloney. Okay? I write down some things that I'm grateful for almost every day of my life. What that helps me do is realize I am just surrounded by blessing. Even when things are sideways and hard, I touch my daughter. I hold her face when she lets me, and I look her in the eyes and I let her know, I'm so grateful that of all the crazy people in the world, God picked me to be your dad. And you are really, really strong. And you are brilliant. And you're beautiful. And she goes, and this morning, I came out and my son was already writing his book because his parents are nerds, and he was working on something. And I started barking at him about the dogs and the chickens and the this and what about that and come on, man, what about this? And then he opened up, somebody sent me some cereal to try out for a sponsorship, and it looked amazing. And I said, hey, you try this out first. And he opened it up and the bag went everywhere. He just exploded. And I looked at him and I made a face that I shouldn't have made. Just, I was disappointed. Like, what are you doing? Like, anyway, he walked back inside and I said, hey, I need to start over the morning. Can we start over? He goes, what? Can we start over? And he goes, yes. And I wouldn't give him a big hug. And I held it too long. And I said, good morning. I love you. Good. It's good to see you. And then I went down and worked out. And I did not want to work out today. I don't feel good. My recovery was 44. I didn't feel like it, but I went anyway. And then I showed up to work on time, prepared. And I could go on and on. That's what I'm telling you. Okay? Do I want to look good and have muscles? Yes. Don't my wife still think I'm attractive? Yes. Am I ever going to be a Navy SEAL? No. Do I hang out with a few of them because it makes me feel cool? Absolutely, yes. 100%. 100%. Will I ever be that? No. Is that the, is that my calling in life? No, it's not. And I, I made peace with that a long time ago. But making peace does not mean quitting. Making peace means a love Trevor. I want Trevor any hole. Okay? So let's start with those few things. Who do I want to be? I want to be a dad who's a good guy. I want to be a husband who shows up and he's present. I'm gonna be a great small business owner, which is what you're going to be doing when you're coaching full-time. Cool. I'm gonna reverse engineer that. What do I need to do every day? My, my identity becomes a series of actions. What do I need to do every day to become a great, present husband? What do I need to do every day to be a great, present dad? What I need to do today to be a great small business owner? Show up for my clients. Start there. Wouldn't be a great community member, a great member of my church, a great, like, fill in the blank. But start there. Do those things. And what you're gonna find is when you show up for yourself, when you do the things that you told yourself you were gonna do, that's confidence. Confidence is well-earned. Because at the end of the day, you trust Trevor. When all else fails, Trevor said he was gonna work out for 30 days in a row, even if he was just walking around the block. Trevor worked out for 30 days in a row because Trevor trusts Trevor. That's confidence. Confidence is a, is a huge foundation of made up of a bunch of little bricks of you doing what you said you're gonna do. And you can look behind you and you got the proof. You can't think your way to confidence. You can't will your way. You can't manifest confidence. You gotta go do. I wish it was different, man. I wish it was different. We tried it with a self-esteem movement. Utter failure. Doesn't work. You have to go do. But you also got to do from a place of, I've got value and I'm worth doing it. And you, my brother, are hang on the line. I'm going to send you my book also, "Building a Non-Anxious Life." I want you to read it. Um, I want you and your wife to read it. I want you to go through it together. I think it'll make a big, uh, big impact on your life. By the way, congratulations for going through the, uh, Navy SEAL tryout process. Most men live quiet lives of desperation. You at least went for it. Proud of you.
We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Dr. John Deloney here. Check it out. My new book, "Building a Non-Anxious Life," is now available for pre-order. Here's the great news. Anxiety is not the enemy we've been led to believe. I know this because I've walked alongside countless folks over the last two decades, and I've struggled with this too. If you create a life of intentionally living out the six daily choices I've outlined in this book, you're gonna be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you. You're gonna learn the choices you can make day by day to create a more peaceful, joyful, less chronically stressed, non-anxious life. Plus, when you pre-order my book, I want to give you something to help you today. That's why you'll instantly get my newest talk, "Smoke, Fire, and Freedom," that I gave to several thousand folks a few months ago, where I break down the misunderstandings and myths we've believed about anxiety, how to reclaim your freedom, and how to build a non-anxious life. So pre-order "Building a Non-Anxious Life" today for just $20 at JohnDeloney.com.
All right, as we wrap up today's show, we're gonna go with a great Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, the best of all time to ever do it. Song's called "American Girl," and it goes like this.
Well, she was an American girl, raised on promises. She couldn't help thinking that there was a little more to life somewhere else. After all, it was a great big world with lots of places to run to. And if she had to die tryin', she had one little promise she was gonna keep. Take it easy, make it last all night. She was an American girl.
Unlike Kelly, who's just me. I'm just kidding. You're an American girl too. You're a Texas girl.
Oh, is there a difference?
Damn right, there is. Is there better?
It's better.
Shots fired. America, send your cards and letters to that one. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.
[Music]