Transcription
Let me just say this. Being a man will never get out of fashion. And it starts from the little things. I know what it means to have a father who can literally die for his children. I know what it means. I started noticing it from when I was a child because when I was very, very little, my dad was well to do and then things started happening. In fact, before I could know about well to do, everything all spoiled. So are the stories my siblings told me.
But you see, when things got tough, he rose to the occasion. I'll never forget in GS2 sitting in the class and my friend pointing out of the window, "That's your dad." What's my dad doing in school? Because things had gotten tough. We were already in a very expensive private school. He had two choices: to make us drop out or to find a way. He went there behind my back. He didn't even tell me he was coming. He went to the principal. "Listen, I'm just going through a rough patch financially. This is a letter of undertaking. I will pay the fees. Don't disturb the boy."
I know things are tough, but some men are not trying. Just sit that tone. The most annoying ones are the religious ones. Very lazy and religious. 12 noon, just they speak in tongues with towel. Shaka shaka. You will make your children hate God. You don't hustle. What's wrong with you? Just try.
See, let me tell you something. There is a way you package. The woman will submit. I'm telling you the truth. So before you start asking the woman to respect you or to submit, you have to help the woman. Are you getting what I'm saying?
"All right. Are you ready for the word?"
Turn quickly with me. Acts chapter 13. I have quite a bit to rush through, so I want to be as quick as possible. Acts chapter 13, verse 2. The Bible says, talking about quite a number of people from verse one, the roll call was mentioned: Barnabas, Simeon, Lucius, Manaen, and all those people were there, including Saul, who was also called Paul. The Bible says, "As they ministered to the Lord and fasted, the Holy Ghost said, 'Separate unto me Paul and Barnabas for the work whereunto I have called them.'"
You know, I preached this for the first time in 2014. Now, how comforting will it be to choose your team by divine instruction? That it wasn't just because of capacity, talent, or even whatever attribute you like about the person. The Holy Ghost categorically said it gives comfort. It gives assurance, but nonetheless, it does not absorb you of the responsibility of working hard to make sure that the relationship works. And the reason why I read this to you is because in this relationship in particular, Paul and Barnabas became ministry partners because the Holy Spirit said, "Separate them unto me." But the reason why eventually you begin to hear of Paul and Silas and not Paul and Barnabas is because Paul and Barnabas had a fallout. And that's what I'm trying to tell you. That anointed people can also fight. And that just because God chose the spouse for you doesn't mean that the home will be happy. If the home is going to be happy, both of you are going to really put in the work. Listen. And it is not just prayer that will make a home stand. It will be wisdom. It will be emotional intelligence. It will be intentionality. I'm telling you, God selected Paul and Barnabas, and they still... The Bible tells us that the contention between them was sharp. Just in case you are wondering, I thought God said, "This is my partner." And when we began to quarrel, what seemed to be love at first turned to hatred. Why was the contention sharp? I'm showing you. I'm showing you. Just because God said this is the person to do business with, or in this context, this is the person to get married to. Let's even assume you heard correct. Oh yes, I need to keep that thing because you see, many people have never heard God before. The first time they hear God, he's telling them who to marry. How convenient. What has divine leading pointed you to in your life that worked? Your life is riddled with bad decisions or indecisions, and then all of a sudden, God is telling you who to marry. And more often than not, it is somebody that if you just ask out, the person will say no. So you need a manipulation technique. The lady or the guy is a religious guy. So it's convenient to say, "Go, because I need God to force you to do what you are maybe not ready to do." And that's why I've always told you, I'm not saying God can't lead you in that way. But if anyone comes to you and says, "God said you are my wife," say, "That's nice. What do you say?" It's not God I'm getting married to. It's not God who is going to be in the marriage with me. What do you say? I want you to like me too and feel free. The fact that there is supernatural confirmation doesn't mean there won't be logical observation.
See, check this thing. Well, check this thing. Check. Satan, they go to church. Sometimes we attend the same church. It's not enough. I've seen wicked people in the house of God. Wicked. If they deal with you, and that's why I mean, I've seen this time and again. I've counseled Christian couples, and I was just confused. What, what is going on? And that's why we decided to get on the series of emotional intelligence. Whatever name we title it, just know this season is emotional intelligence we are studying. So, of course, the title of today's sermon is "Fail Safe." All right, "Fail Safe." And it is essentially some things that you can put in place that will give you confidence in your decision-making regarding relationships. All right? And we define emotional intelligence as the ability to accurately perceive. I, my God, the ability to accurately perceive. Has it ever happened that there is a character trait you know very well? You can smell it from a mile. Especially if you've been in the dating pool for a while, there are just some things you will pick from the first lines. Has a guy just said hi, and you know this, you're a womanizer. Some of you know what I'm saying. Just hi. Why? Why you shake me like that? You are a womanizer. As a lady said hi to you, and you see like money, is the money you want. See guys, when it was their turn, they shouted you to respond. You know that if you indulge some, you chop the money. You know what I'm saying, don't you? That's facts. So, you are going to need to be, you know, and everybody pretends like they want a partner who is emotionally intelligent, until they get one. That's when you now realize how lazy you've been. Because you see, tantrums are usually the easy way out. When there's a quarrel or when there's a misunderstanding, especially as a lady, the easy way is to cry or bring up the past or try to manipulate, you know, or something. Have you ever seen a strong man before? A man comfortable in his own skin. A man that is not afraid to disappoint you. And I don't mean a foolish man. I mean a man that when he knows this is the right course of action, even if you whine, you roll, he'll just say, "So, this is what we are doing." That he will wait for you to cry. He will give you tissue, then you will clean it, then he'll say, "Sit down. So, as I was saying..." It goes both ways. Some people don't know what an emotionally secure person looks like. It's not everybody you can use all those things to to to to manipulate. There are some ladies you block, maybe because of a small quarrel, you block everywhere. To first warn you that, "Sorry, I don't do relationships like this." There are some people when you block them, when you unblock them, they're not there again. See, we don't... Let me tell you something. Let me ask you this, and you must be honest. Have you ever blocked somebody and you were feeling... yes, I'll deal with the person. When you unblock the person, you not so that the person has blocked you back? He paid you no lie. Just be blocking the go, they go now. It's not everybody that has that patience. It's not everybody that has that patience. There are some people, they will stand on business. We don't do that here. You don't... We don't do that here. And not everybody is used to that. Emotionally secure people are not afraid to break relationships that are not working. Make no mistake. It's okay to fight for the right relationship.
See, let me tell you something. I need to balance this before I make this point. I have seen a lot of good marriages go through tough times. And if you judge from a moment and not from a season, you will think that that's a bad marriage. Come on. I get what I'm saying. So, it also takes emotional intelligence to have a bottom-line mentality to say, "Okay, this is just a good man acting out. This is just a good woman who is going through a season under pressure or whatever. Let's scale through this." But when there are patterns of behavior that won't change, you... you are quarreling every 2 hours. You have dated 3 years, and it has been war the whole... no peace. You are getting lean. See, I'm not lying to you.
Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. There was a couple we were counseling, my wife and I. E. And this boy was tormenting this lady. I don't know if I say this, she will remember what I'm saying. My mother-in-law saw her in this church and she called us. She said, "This lady is not happy. What's going on?" Do you know how irresponsible you have to be as a man that a woman came under your roof and started getting lean? Are you wicked? Is that the way you married her? Is that the way her father treated her? That people outside are noticing just by she passed. She walked past, and they say, "This woman is not happy. She's dry." What kind of aura are you carrying? Are you doing ritual? Are you using her money? You know, I'm telling you, there are just some people you get close to them, your life starts getting down. What is wrong with you?
Let me tell you something. I don't feel bad for relationships that break. I don't feel bad. And let me see, forget all these sentiments. I've told you, marriage is a business decision. When you are dating, be optimistic. Every Christian couple should expect that relationship should lead to marriage. But at the same time, make it very clear. We are here to check. Oh, we are checking whether this thing will work. And if it doesn't work, I'm not trying to be malicious or anything. We'll come together. We will assess it and we say, you know, it's not working. Move on with your full chest. I'm telling you the fact. I know many people when the relationship broke, it was as if their life was going to end. Years down the line, the person their ex married, when the person sees shaggy, they're not like, "Ah, I dodged a bullet." So now, me for the experience this thing? Like, see some of you, God will help you. You entered into the wrong relationship. He helps you spoil it. The... See, the person on his own said, "We're not doing again." We're not now begging like a fool. Don't you see? God is trying to help you. Can't you see the signs? When God is helping you spoil something, can't you see the signs? Do you know what it means? Another day. I... I need a full class for this one alone. Emotional intelligence in every aspect, especially in the selection process. See, I've seen it many times. Genius is context-specific. There are many people who can run a Fortune 500 company, but they can't choose a spouse. Do you know there are even many people who don't know their worth outside, especially church people? Thank God that you got born again early and that you didn't have to make so many mistakes before you took your life seriously. But there are some people who take advantage of that. You have not been in the dating pool, so you don't know your value, and they know that you don't know. They will just treat you anyhow, talk to you anyhow. I... I know what I'm saying. I know what I'm saying.
"Can I say something?"
"Yes, sir."
"You said I should say it."
"A lot of Christian couples treat take their spouse for granted."
And I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because there is a way knowing that this person will not misbehave no matter what you do. There's a way it affects the negotiation. It affects the negotiation. You can't negotiate. Somebody outside who is an atheist, if you say, "I want two children," they say, "Only one." "Only one, or I don't want at all." You say, "Okay, then bring someone else in." You said I should talk. Why you not doing your face like it's no problem? "Only one, okay, that's fine." Or you know, I've seen many men, for instance, maybe in the dating phase, ladies tell me, if you have experienced this before, you are giving the guy green light, giving him attention, and he's taking you for granted. Then another man shows up. What's going on? That's when... that's when you now sit up. So sometimes you... you have a godly woman, and sometimes that's the problem. You know, I want to report a couple in this church. Don't worry, something they pulled something on somebody, and I won't lie. I'm not saying it was the best way, but it worked. There is this man, he has just been ignoring his wife, not giving her attention, not... He will cry, cry, cry. He's strong like this, born again guy, you with a strong heart. I don't... I don't understand. So they called him for dinner, and they put up a sad face. I'm not... I'm not going to tell you the people that did it, but I might be standing in front of them. So they... so they called the guy for dinner, and they put up a sad face. I don't want to ruin it so that they'll be able to use this strategy another time, in case. So they said, "We just want to tell you, please don't freak out. Your wife cheated on you." He said, "What?" He stopped eating instantly. Why? Why? Said, "She's sorry. That's why she called us to tell you." So he was so angry. He said, "Calm down. I play." So you care. So you care. So why you treating her like that? When I say, "Nice one, nice." So you care? Just leave a woman and abandon her like that. When was the last time you took her out, bought something nice, gave her an honest compliment? Sometimes it's vice versa. You just see, you take the husband for granted. He's trying, doing his best. He can never do anything right in your eyes. And it's strange. The mystery of the world is this: you see somebody in all their glamour, that same person can have somebody at home that is seeing him finish. So that's why you have to study this subject of emotional maturity, emotional intelligence. Study it. It takes practice to be in a difficult conversation and not switch to your default of manipulation, of throwing tantrums, of crying. You sit still, put the details on the table, look at it objectively, disagree in a civil way, fight gracefully, not that both of you would turn to enemies. It takes maturity. You can be tongue-speaking and not know it. It was yesterday we had a pastor's training here, and Pastor Yav was talking about a pastor, a mega-church pastor, then his anger. One day he got angry and kicked his assistant pastor in the... I know we can spiritualize things like that is holy anger. Don't, don't touch the Lord's anointed. You know, and it's in this part of the world, and you get away with things like that. Insults, they go sue. Anointed, anointed go pay damages. Let's move on. You know, so as a lady, there are some idiosyncrasies you must watch out for. As a guy, there are some things you must watch out for. You know, there are many... Oh, today, you know, there are many women who have never really tried to fall in love with their husband. They think they have, but what they actually have been doing is that they're trying to get him to match up to a fantasy image in their mind. They've never really got to know this man for who he is. They're trying to fit him into some shoe, secretly comparing him to some great man of God or even their dad. See Jesus today. Or today. Listen, let's talk now. Let me say this. You know, we talk about the dysfunctions of trauma, bad upbringing. One thing nobody talks about is good upbringing. Even good upbringing can hurt you because your dad treated you like a butterfly, and now every man is in trouble. Meanwhile, the context of the relationships are different. See, one thing about women is they never treat all men the same way. It is true. The same woman you think does not know how to respect, check her in the office. The boss will shout. You still haven't submitted this. Slam the table. "I'm sorry, sir." I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying emotional regulation sometimes depends on the context. When a woman genuinely looks up to a man, where grace is present, errors will be limited, will not be as amplified. That's what I mean. And so, in the context of the father-daughter relationship, it's very different. You already look up to the man. So there are some things that the father doesn't even know about you. Sometimes in counseling, the man is telling the father-in-law, "Your daughter did this." He says, "He can't picture it." And he's correct because the context is different. In a marriage, a lot of things are involved. You know, I... I was listening to somebody. Oh my God. And I think it was very profound. I think it was by Tony Robbins or something. He was confronting one like that. He said, "Your dad spoiled you. Nobody talks about this." The dynamics of the relationship. In a marriage, there is sex. Sex, whether you like it or not, gives you some leverage, some control. There are some things you can withhold. There are some things you can give. That alone changes the dynamics. Come on. Are you getting what I'm saying? So, and it works vice versa. You know, tough times create strong men. Strong men create easier times. Easier times create weak children. Weak children create tough times. Because when you struggle through life and you make it, your sincere desire is that your children never taste what you experienced. But you have forgotten that it's those tough times that gave you spine. Haven't you seen spoiled children? You're just like, "Ah, this is what your life looks like when it's devoid of abati." You know, what do we call it? Igati. Igati is a... You don't understand. How can I explain agara for an international audience? It's a phenomenon where the surface area of your palm is made to land on your back with intense velocity. I try, Abby. It's better experienced. You have to taste and see. A family without corner eye. You know that legendary African corner eye. Has your... Has your dad communicated three pages of information with just one look? Yes. And you know, you know that if you didn't grow up in a home like that, you don't know what I'm saying. You don't know. Mhm. If you... If them b... you... Yeah. Don't adjust instantly. I've seen a lot of... I'm sorry to say, you know, in those days when they ask, "What's your pet peeve?" I don't know what that is. I... There are very few things that irritate me. I'm a cool guy. But I've discovered one. I don't like men that don't behave manly. I'm sorry to say. I can see men that marry women for money. I can never... I'm sorry. Maybe it's a weakness that you are scheming to collect money from a woman. It's okay to marry a woman who is well-to-do, richer than you. Not only is it okay, it is highly advisable. I go lie for you. You think it's only women that can marry up? Babe, women are not playing. You two don't play. Oh, I'm just... I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. But can I advise you? Even if she earns 1 billion, there are some things that should be your responsibility. She can add to it, but drop house rent. She can add 90% to it, but drop it first. Drop it first. Make sure you are dropping money for fees. She can add 300%, 500%, 1,000%. Drop it. I'm give her Jesus. I've seen things in this life. I have seen things in this life. See, try to respect yourself even in your own home. I know what I'm saying. Ah, there are some things I wanted to say. It's men's meeting. We discuss that one. Try to respect yourself. I know what I'm saying. You see?
"No, not here."
"Let me just say this."
"Being a man will never get out of fashion."
You see all these things, and it starts, it starts from the little things. Even in friendship, I... you know, I said it on Wednesday. I've seen people play with women as if they are men. You are playing, they punch woman. What's wrong with you? Both of you are on the floor rolling. I say it's a pet peeve. They for our hand, as in, be a gentleman with class. Class package now. Come on. Are you with me?
So before, before you start asking the woman to respect you or to submit, you have to help the woman. Are you getting what I'm saying? Listen, I'm not making this a rule book, but I'll just tell you for me. I will never depend on my wife for money. Do I expect her to contribute in the house? Yes. Do I expect initiative from her? Yes. Do I expect her to buy things for the children? I plan as if she would not contribute a penny. That's the way I plan. I know sometimes, especially with the economy, especially when you're in countries like the UK or whatever, the economy is so tough that you will need two working people. And I think that's that's another class because you see those dynamics now change some things. But at the same time, I plan 100%. See, listen. I don't wait for my wife to complain about some things. If I notice that chores are stressing her, I'm going to get people to help.
See, let me tell you something. There is a way you will package. The woman will submit. I'm telling you the truth. See, what we call submission is the default of women who feel safe. And that's why men also, especially when you are playing your part, don't negotiate to a woman that you're trying your best for and is not... you're still trying to cajole her. Don't waste your time. Have you seen a woman in love? They don't cajole. Women in love, a woman that is in love will change her name, change her religion, drop out of school. She would... she will relocate. Don't force it. Don't force a woman to say yes, then now be telling her to submit in the marriage. Did you not see if a woman is not acting right or submitting according to biblical standard, it is either of two things: check yourself. If you're not making her life easier, I don't mean even financially. Serving her. That's the biblical standard of leadership. You know, serving like Christ.
I know what it means to have a father who can literally die for his children. I know what it means. I started noticing it from when I was a child because when I was very, very little, my dad was well to do and then things started happening. In fact, before I could know about well to do, everything all spoiled. So are the stories my siblings told me. So, so, and I look at them and just... I squandered everything. Anyway, but you see the man, when things got tough, he rose to the occasion. See Jesus. I can flash back to many things, not just him, my mom too, you know, many things that the man did. I'll never forget in JS2 sitting in the class and my friend pointing out of the window, "That's your dad." What's my dad doing in school? Because things had gotten tough. We were already in a very expensive private school. He had two choices: to make us drop out or to find a way. He went there behind my back. He didn't even tell me he was coming. And he didn't come and greet me. He went to the principal. "Listen, I'm just going through a rough patch financially. This is a letter of undertaking. I will pay the fees. Don't disturb the boy." Not that I know things are tough, but some men are not trying. You just sit that tone. The most annoying ones are the religious ones. Very lazy and religious. 12 noon, just they speak in tongues with shaka shaka. You will make your children hate God. You know, you know hustle. What's wrong with you? Just try. Try.
Now, I'll never forget lying on the bed. I was eight or so. My dad, who used to shop for us abroad because things had gone tough, he went to Marina buying some clothes, some f... My dad covered us when we were poor. You wouldn't know. He looked for where he could get the cheapest. You know, we just dressed well and all of that. And as he was giving us the clothes, even as a child, I noticed this: the singlet he was wearing was torn. I said, "Daddy, you didn't buy anything for yourself." He said, "Don't worry." You see, no be... And the head of the house, coconut head. If you are the head, must you be coconut head? I saw submission. See, let me tell you something. It was by observation I knew that many times it was not my dad who paid the fees. My mom will pay it and tell us, "Go and thank your dad." So in that period, for a long time, we didn't know. We just put one and two together. "Thank your dad that he's at home now." Some things will never get out of fashion. Never. Never. And that's why there must be... I'm not even mincing words. The business decision. Decision. Not that you married the wrong person and you are start... you are now learning emotional intelligence. But see, sometimes we are counseling people. I know it will spoil. Counselors won't tell you, "You married the wrong person." You want to use the emotional intelligence for Satan. Sorry. I'm just using this as an opportunity to warn people. As you are singles, just stop all those mushiness. A... you know, God will settle down first. To shine your eyes. The people who are single want to run into marriage. People in marriage want to run out. Take your time.
You see, let me show you a text. The text you know very well. Look at Romans chapter 12, verse 1 and 2. I still have a lot to cover, and time is running out. It says, "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you do what? Present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service." You can be born again and not have done this. Look at verse two also. Verse two, quickly. He says, "And that you be not conformed to this world." There are a lot of people who are churchgoers, but you see their worldview, their idiosyncrasies, their behaviors are just worldly. Worldly ideas. All the people that you follow just walk nonsense. "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind." In case you're wondering, this is how come you can be born again and have a bad marriage. Because marriage has a lot to do with the mind and how healthy you are emotionally. Not everything is even a spiritual cause. There are some things. Let me tell you something. There are some patterns in your family that are not caused by demons. It's just the power of examples, good or bad. If you grew up in a house where any small correction came with shouting, that will be your default. To raise children will require patient repetition. You will say the same thing again and again and again and again and again. If you resort to shouting all the time, you will get immediate results. But the damage now... you have children that can't speak up for themselves. When they hurt them outside, or somebody tries to sexually abuse them, they can't even walk to you in confidence and tell you these are the issues. So you're going to study for this part. Study the fact that you are a churchgoer. You know, some people... E... May God help you before it's too late. Because some people, even this kind of conversations, they don't like it. All you want is for us to be preaching on prayer every day. Let's just make a cabash. When is the next prayer movement? I say some of those people now, them wicked pass. If a prayerful person slaps you, you know they practice when they are praying, they're doing like this. So it's they're gyming, they're strong. So it doesn't stop you from studying. See, human beings have a lot in common. So when you study some of these things, you'll be able to see patterns, patterns of manipulation. If you want, I can show you some. Let me show you some manipulation patterns. Let's start with the one that people use to get people to marry them even if they're not qualified. It's called false urgency. If you learn this one, it will help you in life generally because there are some people that are so good with using this manipulation technique. Have you... has someone ever convinced you to buy something you don't need? Some people can sell ice to an Eskimo. That's the cerebral joke. Some people know... you know, you don't know Eskimo. I'm just playing. So such a person creates artificial pressure to force you into decisions before you think clearly. You know, there's this lady, the guy was just love-bombing her, and it was very clear. All the... all the warning signs were there. When the guy wanted to ask the girl out, he came with his mom. All the warning signs were there. True life story. Oh. Uh-huh. True life. They came to ask house together. So we already like, "Come on, what are you talking about?" Small thing. Somebody has not said yes to relationship. You brought ring. You have not said yes to the relationship. You brought ring. Who starts a relationship with engagement? Just false sense of urgency. And you know, if you don't have emotional stature, the trick of false sense of urgency is you think if you don't say yes now, just say yes now, you're going to miss. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. If you want peace in your life, eh, you must be able to live with the repercussions of the choices you made that, okay, even if it was good, you presented it wrong. So, no, I've told you one of the... the signs of an emotionally mature person is you... you can disappoint people. You can say no, I can't do this. Now, do you know this also works in finance and all of that? Some people are pressured into buying things they don't need. You... you get what I'm saying? Your... some of you the car you are driving, that's your future. You're just driving. You're driving your future. I'm telling you the fact. You have the opportunity to buy a brand new saloon car. You bought secondhand Range Rover. You use your money to buy spiritual problem. Divor was on his own. I said, Divor was on his own. I said, Divor was on his own. I said, Divor was on his own. You said, Divor, come, come, bang, bang, bang, bang, because of societal pressure. You know, have you ever gone to a shop to buy something? You saw the price, it wasn't a priority, you couldn't afford it. Then the sales guy will now be looking at you somehow as if you know, they try. If you are that rich, will you be here? No. Be you, they sell. How much is your salary? They now be looking at you as if you know, they try for this life. Me, sales girl, and if you're not careful, you too, you now feel bad. They can raise you up. You now say, "Give me two." My friend, this is how people enter. See these things again. I'm saying you can be born again and not know it. I cannot afford it. With your full chest. With your full chest. See, I've talked to some very successful people. I hear the way they talk. They are rich, but they don't play with money. So, "Oh, that's expensive." They say it. "Oh, that's... that's a lot of money. That's a lot of money." You know, it happened two weeks ago. I was talking to somebody. I don't... This person has given a donation of 600 million somewhere for something to help some children and all of that. And so, we're talking about something. And he said, he said, "$10,000, that's a lot of money." You see, that's the thing. You manage well to grow rich. You don't get rich then manage. You manage to grow rich. And that's why you see it in their character. Is the people who you have confused all your helpers because you drip past them. You... you dress better than all your helpers. These things are serious. So false sense of urgency. I've seen many people enter into the wrong relationship because of this.
The next one I want to talk about is intermittent reinforcement. This one is satanic. Please listen to me very well. Intermittent reinforcement. This is a manipulation pattern where someone gives you attention, gives you kindness, gives you, you know, everything you need, just the emotional presence, you know, but then they now withdraw. All of a sudden, they are cold, they're distant, you know, at the beginning, they shower you with praise, affection, and all those things. And then your brain begins to get used to the safety. They create the standard in your mind, and suddenly, without any warning, they withdraw everything. And so confusion now sets in. You now replay everything. Is it me? Is this something I said? Is this something? Has somebody almost driven you crazy before? Is this something I did? Ah, you are replaying the last time you people saw. There must be something. And you're wondering what you did wrong. Then aggressively again, they come back. They are sweet again, giving you attention, giving you affection, and then you feel relieved. Let me tell you something. This thing has an addictive component. Your mind actually, your brain releases dopamine. And so you can get addicted to the wrong people with this thing. So now that they've come back, your mind is now locked in. I'm warning... watching all the signs. I must not disappoint him again. They're checking. I'm not going to say the wrong thing. I'm not going to act the wrong way. You know, you do everything right. And then he disappears again. The pattern of kindness and going cold unpredictability continues because random rewards create obsession. Did you hear what I just said? You know, the place where I learned this from, you know, they said something. They said this is the same kind of mindset that gambling companies work with. When they reward you randomly, it makes you addicted. You are now hitting the pulling down the lever, the slot machine, you know, waiting for the next dopamine hit. And some people are experiencing this in life and in relationship. All right? Because the pattern of unpredictability, the pattern of unpredictability makes the reward more addictive than if it came consistently. So it makes you want to work harder for something that will inevitably end in disappointment.
The next one I want to talk about is selective memory. See, I'm not even going to talk about anything. But as I'm saying it, the predominant genders, see, all genders are guilty, both genders are guilty of all these things. But some are more predominant in some genders than others. And when I describe them, you yourself will know. Selective memory. The way this works is the person remembers events in ways that benefit them while erasing the aspect of the events that don't benefit them. So they rewrite history. It's like... it's like storytelling. They rewrite history. They make themselves better. They make themselves the superhero. So this is the way you start. Maybe there's an argument or harsh comment. You remember it clearly. You rem... you are sure you remember it clearly. You witnessed it. The words that hurt you and all of that. The day you bring it up, you'll be shocked because the person will now say, "No, you did this and you did this. You did." So, and the person will say it with so much vehemence that you... you now begin to doubt your reality that you go back that, "I'm... I'm not remembering this thing right. Maybe I'm actually at fault." And make no mistake, there are some people who don't have a proper assessment of situations. So how you know someone who is practicing selective memory and somebody who just doesn't have the same perspective as yours is that for some people, it's a pattern. They have a pattern of rewriting history consistently, and they will never really apologize because they, in their version, were not wrong.
This next one is very important. Future faking. Future faking. In this manipulating... manipulation tactic, in this manipulation tactic, the person makes elaborate promises about the future. Vivid pictures. Uh, this will be the name of our children. We send you random images. This... this is how houses in the UK look. So do you think we should stay in the UK or we should stay in Lagos? You say, "Go." They dream, they go. They will talk about moving in together, getting married, you know, and all of that. It will be specific enough for it to feel real. And then in your mind, you begin to organize around the promises. In fact, you might even get maybe a job opportunity somewhere. But if you go to that place, it will affect the plan. So, so you turn down the opportunity. You know, you see, you stay with the person. Then you now notice a pattern that when you bring it up with the person, the goalpost is shifting. You know, it's not just... it's not just time yet. Why are you rushing? And then they now back it up with even more promises. This is how people have dated for 14 years. 14 years relationship when you are supposed to have had your fourth child. Maybe they even engaged you. The... whether the ring, whether the ring is key, and now you are stuck in a cycle of hope. You know what I'm trying to do? When you know all these patterns, especially when you can name them, when you see it, you will know. You see, the moment you see this, you can't unsee it. You can't unsee it. There are many others, and I think you should research more. I'll just give one more.
I want to talk about moral licensing. Moral licensing. This is when somebody does one good thing as a permission to hurt you. So they build moral credit, they do some nice things, gifts, and all of that, and then they will hurt you really bad. And the moment you complain, they point you to all the sacrifice they've made and all the things they've done. You know, listen, that does not mean good people can't hurt you. But when they now use this as a justification, the good that they've done as a justification, as if, "Lie down, let me hurt you in peace." And you notice this as a pattern, then you want to be careful about that. All right? They use kindness as a weapon until you start second-guessing yourself. "Why am I complaining, really? Maybe I'm ungrateful." It's true. You did something last year until your standard drops, and the abuse continues. Eventually, the scale will look like letter I, tilting only to one side. So these are a few things you need to be cautious of.
But the last thing I want to talk about is this. I said sometimes the repetition of patterns is not on account of demons. I believe that if we had the opportunity for demons to complain, Satan to complain, you... you will cry out. "They blame me for everything." You catch people for stealing. They say it's the devil. Sometimes the devil wants to cry and say, "I... I was not even there. I don't know about this." Some people do some things even the devil is surprised. Say, "Ah, you are wicked. You are wicked." But it's so... But what I want you to know is this: you must deliberately break generational patterns. Deliberately. You're going to have to be deliberate about it. "I will not transfer the trauma that I received." You know, the good news is it has been proven statistically, all right, that fathers, for instance, are more present than in the previous generation. You know, there was a research that was done. Fathers who had never changed a diaper in the previous generation, it was 45%. In the research, recent research is 3%. Clap for men now. You see women, if now to complain, clap for us. Thank you very much. You know, so, so, so there's some improvement, but you're still going to need to be deliberate about it. And I'm telling you, see, you can be spiritual and still transfer patterns. That see, hasn't it struck you? The same lie that Abraham told, "Not my wife, my sister." Do you think it was a spiritual problem that made Isaac tell the same lie? It's just patterns. It's just the easier when you've seen somebody do it. It becomes easier for you, and you don't even realize how it has affected you psychologically. If you grew up in a physically abusive home, you will be surprised how easy it would be for you to transfer aggression, beat your children. See, I... I am a strong proponent of discipline, but when you do too much, you know, you... you know why you bringing kobokko? Are you... are you raising an animal? Are you raising an animal? Watch out for generational patterns. Watch out for it. You know, it was sweet for Jacob to deceive his father, to pretend to be someone else, to put hair on his body and the scent of his brother's cloth, and to take what was not his. When he grew up, they deceived him, too. They sold Joseph to slavery. They came with Joseph's cloth, gave him to smell the same thing he did to his father. Sometimes these things are spiritual. Sometimes these things are just a consequence of patterns that you did not deliberately break. If you are not deliberate, you repeat the errors. And it starts with determination. You be determined. I saw the way my... my dad or my mom were. My own home will not break. Oh, it will not break. It will. And you're going to take the time. For those of you single, you choose right. And for those of you who have gotten married, by the help of God, by supernatural wisdom, by investment in books, you're going to make sure that you... your own case must be different. You are going to start a new trajectory in your home, a pattern of healthy homes, healthy families. Your own children will not be looking for love elsewhere. You know, there are some children that are so starved of love. Even if they know that this guy is an idiot, he's lying. Oh, the moment he says, "I love you," is scarce to them. Scarce to them. So even the things your parents did well, be an improvement of it. You know, there are some of us, you grew up in good homes, but your family was not just the "I love you" type of family. You be deliberate. Say it to your children. Are you getting what I'm saying? And for God's sake, give them credit. Give them flowers when they do well in school. Come on. Are you... are you listening to me? For children, it's a big deal when they try something. It might be inconsequential to you as an adult. When a toddler puts a square peg in a square hole, and he's happy, and he comes to you, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, my friend, stop what you're doing. It's just few seconds. Validate that emotion. Wow, you are so brilliant. You are so..." Inflate their ego. I know that the world is terrible, but don't make it scarce. I mean, don't... don't make it worse. Even if somebody wants to try and abuse your children, is why is it biscuit that worked? Biscuits because you... you can have it at home. Just to be a strict parent. You won't give you gatekeeping everything. Now God has helped you financially. You are still scarcity mindset. Ah, you have already eaten one today. It's been proven psychologically. E... there is a way you will parent, and you... you will raise liars. Because you are unnecessarily strict. Have you seen people who are unnecessarily strict about nothing? Everything. So let me give you an example. Don't ask questions you already know the answer to. You now chop the biscuit, you know. Are you setting him up to lie? Come. So who ate this biscuit? You are... see that one is another class. All I'm trying to say is it ends with you. Say a loud amen.
"Please rise to your feet and let's pray. Thank you, Jesus. My generation shall praise your name. My generation shall praise. Hey, my generation shall praise. My generation shall praise."
Sing it again. "My generation is yours." Sing it like a prophet. "My generation." Yeah. Heat. Heat. Heat. Heat. Heat. I just... Lift your hands and declare it. Heat. Heat. Do it again. "My generation shall praise your..."
Without the music. Do it one more time. "My generation shall praise your name." And generation shall praise. One more time. "My generation shall praise your name." Thank you, Father.
"We give you the praise and the glory."
On that place of encounter, Abraham saw the coming generation. He saw them coming out of slavery with a strong hand, with the intervention of God. I want you to see with the eyes of the spirit, strong homes in your family. No single dysfunctional child under your roof. See financial favor and stability. I give you few seconds. See with the eyes of your spirit. See with the eyes of your spirit. There's a place for prayer, but it wasn't just to pray that God asked Abraham. He asked him to see. Can you see it? Can you see it? Can you see it? Can you see it? Can you see it? Can you see it? Can you see it? Can you see it? This is a prophetic moment. Listen, whatever errors you made, you've already made them. You can't go to the past to try and redirect them. But one thing you can do is insist that those errors will not be repeated in your lineage. They will not be repeated. They will not be the last broken home will be the last one forever. See with the eyes of your spirit right now. See with the eyes of your spirit. Thank you, Jesus. The generation of the ends are blessed. Blessed, blessed, blessed. Thank you, Lord. In Jesus' mighty name, we have prayed. Father, we thank you because you are giving us the wisdom and the intentionality to build Christian homes, to raise children who will be stable contributors in society, intellectually and emotionally sound, who know who they are in you, who know you early, and will herald you to the world. And thank you for giving us wisdom. We correct the excesses in our lives by the favor of God. Thank you, Father. We are not hearers alone. We are doers. We will put in the work. We will buy books. We will do the research. We are better people because of this series. Thank you, Father. In Jesus' mighty name, we have prayed. Amen. Say loud, "Amen." Amen. I want...