Transcription
We're going to learn about empathetic listening. We'll talk about what it is, what it isn't, and give you three tips to get better at it. So let's do it. (upbeat rock music)
Hey there, I'm Alex Lyon and this channel is all about helping you develop your communication and leadership skills. I actually have an hour-long course on effective listening skills for leaders, and I'll tell you a little bit about that later. Today, we're talking about empathetic listening and the root word of empathetic is empathy. And that means your ability to understand and share another person's feelings. So empathetic listening is about paying special attention to the way the other person is feeling, by putting yourself in their shoes to understand where they're coming from.
One benefit of empathetic listening is that the other person feels understood. That's a real gift that you're giving them. This is one of the main reasons people go to see a counselor, a therapist, or a friend who they know is a good listener. Another benefit is for us in that it automatically boosts what some people call our emotional intelligence, or EQ. It helps us understand how the other people around us are doing, and that helps us respond in more helpful ways to the needs of the moment.
So what is empathetic listening not? Well, empathizing does not mean you necessarily agree or have changed your mind. So I'm a parent and my son is not always thrilled about doing his homework, and I can connect with that emotion, I can empathize, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna tell him he can blow off his homework. My empathy does, however, help me maintain a good, healthy connection with him because he knows that I know where he's coming from. Empathy also does not mean we should try to automatically fix a problem that the other person might have. The author Roy Bennett once said, "Sometimes all a person wants is an empathetic ear. All he or she needs is to talk it out." So empathetic listening doesn't mean jumping in to solve a person's situation.
So what does it look like? What does it sound like to listen with empathy? Let's look at three tips to help you get better at it.
First, it has to be genuine. You have to mentally and emotionally put yourself in the other person's shoes. Imagine what it must be like to be in their situation. If you have ever had someone fake-listen to you, then you know those little superficial behaviors they give off, and it comes across as inauthentic. You don't wanna do that, so you have to do some internal dialogue. Say to yourself, "How would it feel if someone just insulted me like that? How would I feel if I've just been fired? How would it feel if I had just been passed over for a promotion?" And then imagine what that would be like. Really put yourself in the other person's shoes. Listening with empathy is first and foremost about making that genuine effort to see the situation through the eyes of the other person, to feel what they are feeling.
Second, listen to their verbal and nonverbal communication. So in my experience, people will usually show their emotions much sooner than they will explain their feelings, and sometimes their verbals and nonverbals don't always match. So someone might say, "I'm fine," but you can clearly tell by their nonverbal cues that they are not fine. I was listening to somebody the other day and they were giving an update on a project and I could tell nonverbally that they were on the edge of tears. And there were just little flashes of emotions on their face. Now, their sadness had nothing to do with the project they were talking about. They were just struggling with something else and she wasn't talking about her emotions, and her verbals and nonverbals didn't match up, but I noticed and I was able to listen with empathy because I picked up on those nonverbal cues. Now, sometimes people will verbally say, just come out and say it, "That's really frustrating," or, "This is driving me crazy." And I pay really special attention to that verbal message. If they have come out and said it, then I really need to pay attention to that. But we have to be on the lookout for their nonverbal cues because they are often the ones that they will show us first.
Third, reflect back to them what you sense they are feeling using your verbal and nonverbal skill. So this means communicating in plain language what you're noticing. And I keep it really simple. If they seem frustrated I might say, "That sounds frustrating," or, "If I were in your shoes I'd feel the same way." I don't try to analyze or evaluate their emotions like a therapist. I'm not a therapist. I just show them that I'm noticing and then I give them more room to keep talking. Sometimes I'm even more concise. Like if something unexpected happened to them, I might just say, "Wow," and then I show that expression on my face as well. Other nonverbals might be a caring facial expression or nodding to show them that you're tracking with them, that you're following them. Now, on the other side, if the person is feeling positive emotions then reflect back that to them too. So someone I know just earned her master's degree and she was obviously happy about it and she told someone at work. And her coworker paused, looked her right in the eye and with a lot of care on her face and said, "That is a really big deal. Wow!" So that's A-plus empathy. My friend said it felt so affirming it was a highlight of her day. So many people assume that listening with empathy means listening to people's difficult emotions, but you can also share people's joy as well. And there's a lot of value, a lotta relational value in sharing other people's positive emotions.
So question of the day: have you ever had somebody really listen to you? How did that make you feel? I would love to read your comments below. And as mentioned, I have an hour-long course on effective listening skills for leaders. I will put a link to that in the description below the video. Feel free to take a look at those details. I also recently made two related overlapping videos, Active Listening Skills and Comprehensive Listening Skills. I'll put links to those below as well so you can check them out. So thanks, God bless and I will see you in the next video.