Opening up... 🌸

Hello my loves. Welcome back to the channel. It has been a while since I have sat down and talked to you guys and I honestly wanted to be very transparent with you guys and give you kind of like a life update in this video. I haven't done one in so long, but I have been feeling away this year and I just wanted to kind of share where I have been, what's going on in my life. So, if that is of any interest to you, a lot of you really like this content. So, let me know if in the comments if you want me to do more of this because I miss the old school YouTube videos and I'm going to get into this into like all of that in this video. So, if you want me to do more of these kinds of like relaxed videos, let me know down below.

And I'm filming on my phone right now. I can't even see myself. I got rid of like the perfectionism and the needing like a freaking hour to set up my camera and my microphone. I'm like, I'm just going to simplify it. So, I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I have been Let's just start with I have been in like a phase of like deep exhaustion since the beginning of this year really. It's kind of been accumu- It's been there for a while, but really this year was really like where I hit the breaking point where it was like I feel like my legs look huge in this position. I just felt like I couldn't keep going and before I would like push through and I just hit this point where I could not keep going and that was also the time where I was diagnosed with autism and I feel like it has a huge thing to do with realizing that I've been like mask high masking and high functioning my entire life. Like and some people are like, oh yeah, no like you know, neurodivergent no big deal and um you know, everyone is a little bit on the spectrum and like all these things. And you know, maybe that is true. I don't know. I you know, my ex would joke that I am on the spectrum and there's definitely been like moments as a child where I literally all the symptoms but because autism isn't studied in women and in girls and especially not the high functioning part because you have the non-verbal part you have different levels. Right now it's levels. Before it used to be Asperger's and um I like my parents never sent me to get tested. So I went under what's the expression in English? Under the cover? Under I just wasn't it wasn't really recognized. And so I spent I feel like I have come to this point where I spent a lifetime of like pushing through my limits that really I should have like trying basically to be normal when I am my nervous system and my brain operate differently. I do not see autism as a limitation. I see all the strengths in it. I'm amazingly good at pattern recognition at spotting things others don't see. I can analyze a person in a second. Like I literally know what I can You can show me a picture of a person. I know I can tell you everything about them. Um I can see in the spirit realm, like there's so many things, right? But I was trying to be normal in a neurotypical world, and as we know, if you're neurodivergent, you're going to hit the wall. You're going to hit the wall at one point. So, that is basically what happened. I feel like when you're in your 20s, you can keep going, you can keep going, you can keep going until your body at one point says, "Really stop."

And also, I've been in this like I just look around now, and everybody, literally everybody is a content creator. Everybody creates content, and I've been doing this. Guys, I've been doing this full-time for 12 years now, I believe. I have been in this game for a long time, and I have not missed a single week in a decade. I have created highly produced videos once a week. No editor. There were moments that were like some years I had editors, but really like 80% of the time it was just me editing, because I like things a specific way, and I just felt like it was more work to explain what I wanted versus like just doing it myself. So, anyway, there is so much that goes into creating content, and if you do anything in this industry like that, you know how much of a cognitive load it actually is. If you've ever tried it, it is not an easy job. It is a job that I am so grateful for. Like I have literally created my dream life. I have so much peace in my life. I have so much like I live in my dream home with my cats. I don't I don't have to put on an alarm. I've I don't have to clock in and clock out. Like I am so grateful. I've literally created the life of my dreams. But two things can coexist at the same time. So, at the same time and I have reached a level of burnout or a deep exhaustion that or just a redirection in life. Like I think it's all of it. Right? Because I feel like it if you can't keep going with something, it means you're being redirected to something else, right? It doesn't like one ending is always the beginning of something else. And I'm not saying that this is ending. I'm not saying I'm not going to be posting anymore. I love my job, absolutely. But at the same time, I just got tired of I feel like you know those horses in New York that just like work and work and work and work and they just walk to New York. I just have this image of the horse in New York that just couldn't keep going. And I feel like the creator industry, entertainment industry, you just have to be on your A game 24/7. You do not get breaks. The internet doesn't sleep. It was posting all the time. And I just got like I just got tired from being having to constantly be on because nobody is um meant to be on all the time. We are just not designed that way. Nature isn't even on all the time. There are seasons for everything. Bears hibernate. And so, I went into hibernation this winter. And obviously, I'm still producing content. I'm still but I definitely like scaled back to like scaled back so much more. Like I do not take brand deals anymore. Um, I haven't posted on Instagram since probably April. And I'm feeling really good about it. Like honestly, I don't really like Instagram that much. I feel like everybody on Instagram is a stalker. Like not everybody but people are like stalking each other and I think it's kind of weird. Like why are people from high school that I I don't even know their names anymore, but they like pop up in my stories. Like why are you watching me? We haven't talked in like 20 years. They were I I just feel so watched. I feel so watched on Instagram and the older I get, the more private I become. I'm like, uh, I kind of enjoy being offline, you know?

So um Not a day goes by where I'm not like so grateful for my job, my clients. Like we still have the Glow Up. I'm in there like every single day. We have um, Identity Reset July. Currently, shameless plug. We have Identity uh, Reset July going on currently. You can join for just 67 euros below. Um, and you can join the challenge. You can stay for as long as you want. You can leave whenever you want. And you get access to literally four years of manifestation master classes. Like this is high-level coaching. Um, and this is also the closest that you get like one-on-one to me I don't do one-on-one coaching anymore, but um, that's why we have the Glow Up and the Telegram group where I literally drop riffs almost every single day. It's a thing. And so if you want to reset your identity the thing from which everything flows, from which everything manifests in your life on autopilot get in, sis. The girls have been getting amazing, like just amazing things happen. Um we have one girl inside that's kind of in the past always attracted toxic relationships, and now she's with a man who's just like she we got this message. She said she didn't even know that men like that existed. And the shift happened like within months. So, the work that we do in there works. The level of abundance that our glowies have manifested is on another level, like truly. But yeah, being a content creator, it is hard work. It is hard work. It looks so easy on the outside, but even just constantly having to be on, constantly having to look perfect, constantly having your hair together, your makeup together, your people just like the the pressure I remember back when I used to do brand deals, you get paid based on your likes. Based on your views, right? So, the more views and likes you have, the more um you get paid. And back in the day when I used to do the fashion thing, like oh my gosh, the pressure the pressure I can't. There was so much pressure to just like perform and always get the highest numbers. And when you're at the top of the top of the peak of your career, and then you have to keep like exceeding that, like imagine always have to be exceeding your very best. Like it is just like I feel like it's a recipe for failure, and yet it has become the norm in the creator industry. Like you just come better better better better better. And yes, we always improve, but the problem is what if there's like no room for our nervous systems aren't meant to keep going. We are not robots. We are not machines. And I just let myself rest this year, and I listened to my body. The thing is, what happens when you know, I thought "Okay, I'm just going to take a a little bit of rest and then I'm going to be fine. I'm going to feel better." No, because your body now goes, "Oh, we can rest now. We can now heal from everything since childhood that has happened to us. We have time now." And so, literally, everything comes to the surface and it seems like things are getting worse. But, they're really just getting better, but it looks At first, it looks like things are getting worse before they're getting better. I just don't like all of the performative content. I can't I have it up until here. I can't see it anymore. The fakeness, the look at my life, look at the like this is not real life, you guys. And I just always want to be transparent because real life is sometimes hard. There are ups and downs. There are seasons. And anybody who makes you believe the opposite is just selling you a false reality. And two things can coexist at the same time. I am so grateful for my life. I am so happy and fulfilled in my life. And at the same time, I'm exhausted, right? Like those things can coexist at the same time. And I had nothing Obviously, I had nothing to compare it to because I've never worked a 9-to-5 in my life. I'm really proud of that because I just I am not If you're neurodivergent, you are not made for a 9-to-5. I always knew that I just I can't do that. I just The 9-to-5 life is not for me. Um and I feel like I'm part of the OG people of YouTube and it's it was amazing. Like, even in my 20s, like I just love like the 2015-ish vibes. I love it and I feel like when you're in your 20s, you definitely have the energy to go go My fridge is making weird noises. You definitely have the energy to like go go go. Um but as you hit your 30s and your mid-30s, things change. Things change. Unfortunately, um I tell myself every day like I'm just well, we are we are young. We are very young. But you just aren't able to push yourself in ways that I may have pushed myself in my 20s, you know? And that is okay. That is okay. I'm listening to my body. I'm no longer forcing it to adapt to a society that is just honestly not honoring women's bodies. We are asked to work like men, disregard our cycle. Oh, just take the pill. You won't get your period. You won't have to deal with all these symptoms. Yeah, and suppress like you're basically in artificial menopause when you take the pill and you don't get your period. And I just never wanted that for me. I'm healing from endometriosis. One week a month, I'm just like flat. Got to lay in bed and that's fine. I mean, it's not fine, but I just don't want to do that to my body. I'm not judging anybody who takes the pill at all. Like you do you, but just for me, it does more harm than good down the road. And so, I've also been, you know, healing that holistically. Um I told my man Did I just announce something? No. Okay. Um Do with that what you will. I'm not announcing anything, but I told my man I feel like I'm um transforming into a werewolf once a month because I get my period around the full moon and then I have to like make sure that all like my food is prepped. I have to make sure I have bought the groceries. I know that I can't be leaving the house for the next two or three days. Um, I have to make sure like everything is safe in case I lose consciousness because that has happened before. It doesn't anymore, thank God, um, but it has happened in the past like I just faint from because the pain is so intense. And so I told them I feel like a werewolf that's about to transform every single month on the full moon and I'm laughing about it now because humor is my coping mechanism, but it is a lot like it is a lot and I feel like women are expected to just be perfect. We are expected to be perfect, to look good all the time, to perform like men, and no. I call BS on that and I'm going to end this here. I saw this really funny, um, reel the other day that said, um, when God when Eve sinned in the garden, the curse for women was to have pain in childbearing and and the curse for men was to labor um, to get food for himself and his family and and his woman. And then it said, "Now there is one party that wants to go 50/50 with their curse." And we all know who that is. Um, don't let them fool you is all I'm going to say. You want somebody who wants to provide for you because being a woman, I'm not saying we can't do it. We absolutely can do it. Women have been outperforming men in every single field. The problem is we can do it, but at what cost? At what cost? And I am in a period of my life where I'm choosing peace. I want to prepare myself, my body for pregnancy, like I'm talking like in the next four years, right? Don't get too excited. But I want to prepare my body for that. You know, I just want my womb to be ready to for that, and it's not going to happen when I am exhausted and burnt out. So, that was today's life update. I hope you got something out of it. Let me know if you want more of these videos. Let me know if you want more faith. I want to do more faith and God-centered videos because I've definitely been drawing a lot. I've always been close to God. Like I pray every single day at least once an hour, at least an hour once a day. Um but just lately it's it has been in a whole different level where I'm just like, God, just take You take over. You fully take over. Like, you steer the ship. So, if you want more faith faith-centered videos, let me know. I love you guys so much, and I'll see you soon.