Transcription
Everyone tells you that divorce is like the end of your life. However, that belief is costing you, because the transformation that's occurring in your life can lead you to the best version of life that you ever could have imagined. And that's what I want to talk about today. I'm John Griffin, and this is Life 2.0. And today we're going to be talking about recovery from divorce. And I'm going to offer you 12 steps that will guide you through this process. And hopefully, by the end of it, you'll find, just as I did, that life can be much better than anything you ever imagined. Let's talk about it.
I've walked this path myself, and I've talked to hundreds of guys who have either risen from the ashes of their marriage or been buried by them. Here's a thing that nobody tells you about divorce. First of all, when you stay focused on what you've lost, you can't focus on the opportunity that lies in front of you. Too many guys at the end of their marriage are fighting this losing battle. They're spending all their time focused on how to keep the marriage alive. Little do they realize that their wife made this decision to leave long, long before you became aware of the problem. 70% of all divorces are started by women. If that woman went to college, 90% of divorces are started by women. So women are very quick to pull the trigger on changing relationships for a myriad of reasons. And I've made other videos about that. And we're not going to talk too much about that today. Today, I want to get into the opportunity that lies in front of you, because Life 2.0—know what you're about to experience or what's coming your way—will transform your life and give you a new perspective that you never could have imagined.
Here's what the data shows: Men who follow a structured recovery program following divorce earn 30% more than they did prior to their divorce. Let that sink in for a minute. That's huge. Also, 90% get into the best shape of their lives. So, consider taking control of this process, not allowing yourself to be a victim of it. Use this as an opportunity to rediscover who you are and reshape your life intentionally. I've seen dozens of guys take control of their divorce and their recovery from it and turn themselves into the men that their wives wish they had married. My own wife has asked me to take her back on several occasions over the last 5 years. My life is better now than I think it has ever been. And a big part of that is because I took advantage of my opportunity to reshape my life the way I wanted it to be.
If you've been married for a long time, you probably recognize how much time and energy you've put into sacrificing yourself, sacrificing your time, sacrificing your priorities for her, or for your family, or for situations that were all related to your marriage. Now is your time to take that time back. Now is your time to reshape your life the way you want it to be. Let's talk about how to do that next.
Step one, stop fighting a battle that's already lost. Accept what's happened. Accept where you are. Accept your circumstances. There is no point in looking back and thinking, "I wish I would have, could have, should have." That's over. That time is done. Like I said, she was planning her departure years before you even became aware there was a problem. So, there's no point in doing that. Acceptance is always the first step. You've got to get to that place where you're like, "All right, this is where I'm at. What am I going to do now?" Without that first step, nothing else happens. If you're still thinking, "Oh, I can win her back," then you're not there yet. You've got to let this situation go. You've got to let her go. Let your marriage go. Let your role as the merry guy go, because you're not that guy anymore. You're somebody different. You're somebody new. You're somebody better.
Step two, recognize that there may be times when you spiral, when the situation overwhelms you, and you just need to bring yourself back into the present moment. Take five seconds, look around your room. Where are you? What's happening? Is there anything that's hurting you in this moment physically? There's not. You're safe. You're secure. You're in a place where you have your own space. What do you hear? What do you feel? Just back yourself down and become aware of what's going on in your head and in your body. And recognize that in order for you to move forward, you must accept the situation as it is. And you've got to also take a look at the situation that you're in now. What are you doing with your life in this space at this time right now? Where are your thoughts? If you're still caught up with her, then you're still, um, causing yourself a lot of unnecessary pain. You're fighting a battle that's already lost. Begin to turn your attention to the person that you want to be, creating a vision for who you will be.
Step three, get clarity about what it is you're grieving. You're not grieving her. You're grieving your vision of what that marriage meant to you and what you saw for your potential future, which is now gone. So, you're grieving something that really only existed in your mind; it was not the reality. You're grieving who she was when you met her and who she could have been if things had worked out. But that's not real. That never happened. Who she was was a projection that you had of her at the time when you met her and you fell in love; and who she could have been in terms of being your lifelong partner and sitting in a rocking chair reflecting on your lives. That's just another projection into your imagination as to what things could have been. Let it all go. It doesn't mean anything. It never did and it never will. It only means something when you give it power. So don't give it power. Let it go. Just let it go.
Number four, recognize that this is a traumatic event. This is something that is having a direct impact on your mind, your physiology, your psychology. It has a huge impact on your overall life. No matter how much you try to deny it or try to put it aside, there is an impact here. You've got to treat yourself like you've been in a serious accident, or you've had a—I don't know—like a, um, an experience at war, or you've seen some traumatic stuff in your life. You need to decompress. You decompress primarily through good sleep. You need to prioritize sleep above all other things. Now the key here is you cannot become dependent on alcohol or drugs of any kind to get this sleep, because if you've taken any kind of drug like Ambien or one of these sleep pills, you know that you don't wake up feeling rested. You wake up feeling like you blacked out and you woke up in the middle of something and you don't feel like you really recovered from it. So do not depend on drugs to help you get that sleep. You're going to have to plan for it, though. And we're going to get around to how you're going to make yourself tired in a few minutes, but sleep has to be your priority. Drugs and alcohol are your enemy. If you allow yourself to get sucked into drugs and alcohol for any reason at all, you're going to, um, stretch out this pain. It's going to get worse. It's going to last longer, and, um, your life is going to start falling apart. And when that happens, yeah, you really start to spiral. So, just recognize that drugs and alcohol, despite the temptation, they're a, uh, path to hell that you definitely do not want to get on.
This one is extremely hard for men. You're going to have to practice self-compassion. You need to start treating yourself as if you were your own best friend. So, if your best friend was going through hell like you're going through right now, what would you do for him? How would you help him out? What would you do to make this process easier? How would you help him ease this transition? Think of yourself like your own best friend. What can you do to help yourself through this transition minus the drugs and alcohol? So, if it means going out to ball games, if it means, you know, finding ways to distract yourself, going to movies, playing video games, um, hanging out with your friends, um, maybe taking a little trip, a vacation, even a solo vacation, just go to the beach, whatever you got to do, give yourself the time and space to recover and allow yourself, um, to, uh, be compassionate to yourself, because without that compassion, if you start beating yourself up and saying you blew this, it was your fault, and you coming down on yourself in that way—yeah. First of all, it's wrong. And secondly, you're not going to get to that point where you really get a chance to reflect back on this time from a place of recovery, from a place of having moved on. And, um, that's the that's the whole purpose of this process. So self-compassion—very important.
If you were like me when you were a little boy, you imagined that one day you would be a superhero or at least look like one. Now is your time to be that guy. Get into the gym. Get serious. If it means hiring a trainer, hire a trainer. Learn how to do it right. Dedicate yourself to your physical health. It'll be good for your brain. It'll be good for your body. It'll be good for your self-image. It'll help you recover. And it'll help you sleep. Getting into the gym is by far the most effective tool that most guys have for, um, working off that that anger, blowing off that stress, allowing their their minds to focus on something simple like just pushing a bar over your head or doing a squat or whatever. Um, if you're into biking or swimming, do that. But it's got to be hard. You've got to push yourself. You got to push yourself as close to your limits as you feel safe pushing yourself. Do not allow yourself to rely on, um, uh, walks. I mean, I take lots of walks and they've been certainly good for me. But I also work out, you know, three to five times a week depending on the season. And getting into the gym, man, that that was the thing that really made the difference—putting my headphones on, cranking up the music, getting into my own head space, um, and just focusing on lifting weights. Ah, it's like meditation. It is; it's like the most refreshing, um, experience, because all you're doing is you're just focusing on one simple task: Don't drop the weight on your head. That's it. Just push as hard as you can and don't drop the weight. That's all you're doing. It's worth it. Trust me.
You need to get back to being completely self-sufficient. So, if you haven't been cooking for yourself or cleaning or doing your laundry or any of that, you need to get back into that. This is not rocket science. I'm telling you, anybody can do it. Just focus on what's going to make your life better and how it's going to make you feel when it's done. So, cooking meals that are delicious and, um, have a high amount of variety, are nutritious, and make you feel good when you're done eating them—critically important. Keeping your place organized, keeping it relatively clean, especially if you're got kids coming over, you don't want them coming over to some kind of a dive. It's got to be nice. Even if you're not living in a nice part of town right now, you can make your place nice. Make it as nice as it can be. That means keeping it clean. Um, if you got to hire a maid and you can afford it, definitely hire a maid. Um, but you've got to become self-sufficient with your laundry, all of it. You've got to just take those steps so that you're no longer missing her. And by becoming self-sufficient, you are building a path for your independence. And trust me, it will pay off in the long run.
Reconnect with your core identity. And that means go back in your mind, in your memory to who you were before you got married. What things did you enjoy doing? Who did you enjoy hanging out with? What were your favorite pastimes? Start to reinvigorate yourself into those activities. Start to reconnect with those people. Start doing those things again; be—start to open up those doors that you enjoyed so much as a single guy, because there's still a lot of opportunity there for you to sort of reconnect with who you were and start to evolve into who you're going to be.
Number nine, if this applies to you, be the best father that you can possibly be. 40% of kids grow up without a dad. Homes that don't have a dad have kids go to jail more frequently. Kids that have a dad and have a dad that's active in their life are more likely to be successful in their lives. Being a dad as a single parent or without your wife present is by far the best part of divorce. It really is.
Number 10. You cannot isolate. You're going to have to get out and meet some people. Whether you're hooking up or you're, you're, uh, connecting—not hooking up—connecting with your old friends, that's great. But get out there and develop some new relationships. There are lots of guys out there just like you that are going through the same kind of crap that you're going through or maybe some guys like me who've already gone through it. Connect with these people. They're out there doing stuff. There's an app called Meetup where there's just every kind of activity you can imagine, from hiking and camping to biking and, you know, flying drones to skateboarding. I mean, you name it—going, you know, going to museums. I mean, they have every kind of meetup thing you can think of. And yes, there will be women there. Not that you should necessarily be watching for women. I wouldn't recommend that. But getting out there and making some connections with people are is a, um, an enormous boost to your self-esteem and it takes your mind off what's going on with your ex-wife. So, definitely get yourself out there and meet some new people.
Number 11, get your money right. I know you're going through some tough times. It's probably costing you some money, but guys who follow this process tend to make a lot more money in the mid to long term than they did before their divorce. So, a year or two from now, you may find that your income is much, much better than it had been. You're going to be looking at opportunities differently than you did in the past. Now is the time to start watching your budget, getting your money right, maybe even talk to a financial planner. You're going to need to develop an "I don't give a" attitude. And that's not to be reckless. It's about regaining your dignity as a man and not giving a damn what people who don't matter think about the way you're behaving. You're reclaiming your life. And it may appear selfish to others from the outside, but nobody matters but you in this situation. This is about your recovery. There'll be time to be giving and selfless in the future, but right now, this is about you. So, I don't give a what other people think. Very critical.
I know some of you guys are thinking, "John, I can barely get out of bed in the morning. This sounds like a lot of work." I'm not sure I can do it. Well, this is exactly my point. You got to get up. You got to get moving. And you got to make your life vital again. If you don't do it, the future is bleak. By taking these steps, you're going to bring yourself closer and closer to a life that you can't possibly imagine how happy you're going to be. It will be really much better than, um, the best days of what it was to be single, because you're going to have a whole new sense of appreciation for your freedom now. And that's, um, you've earned it. So you've earned it. So don't be afraid to get up out of bed and start taking action now. You don't need to start implementing all 12 steps right away. Pick two or three of these steps. Try it for a month and start seeing how your life is improving. As you start to see the improvement, as you start to feel yourself getting better, start implementing more and more of these steps until finally you've got all 12 of them working for you. Once you get to that place, I promise you, you're going to be well on your way to, um, Life 2.0—know where the freedom that you're going to have, the, uh, appreciation for that freedom and the opportunities to shape your life the way that you want it to be. It's going to be—I don't know—it's going to be one of those experiences that you're going to thank me for. You're going to send me a note one day and say, "John, thank you. You saved my life."
All right, you guys. That's what I got for you today. I certainly hope you've enjoyed the video. If you're going through this and you need someone to talk to, I'm available. You can go to my website at johnsgriffin.com, and I can help you along with this process. Um, in the meantime, please remember to like and subscribe and stay healthy and if you can, stay single.