Transcription
Protecting your loved ones from emotional abuse. Protecting your loved ones from emotional abuse.
We are taking our tests this morning from Genesis chapter 16. Genesis chapter 16, verse 1 to 9. The first insight we threw light upon in the first part of this message was defining what emotional abuse is. What is emotional abuse? And now, I'd like us to take a close look at verse four and verse five of these same scriptures. You will have a night you seek for yourself. Emotional abuse playing out without anybody, no one in that large, large family compound recognized what was going on. Only the abuser and the victim knew what was going on until the victim cried out and reacted.
Verse four to five, Easy to Read Version says, Abraham slept with her girl, and she became pregnant. When Hagar realized this, she became very proud and began to feel that she was better than Sarai. And one of the signs of emotional abuse is when someone consistently relates with you as if he or she is superior and far better than you. So you can imagine how bad it was when this was now manifesting from Hagar to Sarah. She felt she was far better than her boss.
The Voice version of the Bible says, Abraham slept with Hagar. It was not long before she conceived. But as soon as she knew she was pregnant with Abraham's child, Hagar's attitude changed. And what was the result of the change in her attitude? It says, and she became haughty. She became haughty. She became arrogant towards Sarah, particularly Sarah, not Abraham, not other people in the house. To Sarah, Sarah would not tolerate her servant looking down on her.
Emotional abuse is a situation where someone who ought to respect you doesn't give you that respect. Then, two, the person consistently looks down on you. And take note, how was she looking down on Sarah in this instance? Without saying anything. Without saying anything, you can look down on someone and not say anything. In doing so, your body language, scanning, scowl, full gestures with your eyes, with the countenance of your face, mocking looks. Every time you are in close contact with the person, or any time the person says certain things, your body language is a message of despise on that person.
So Sarah said to Abraham, "This is all your fault. I allowed my servant girl to be intimate with you, and as soon as she saw she was pregnant with your child, she started behaving arrogantly and disrespectfully towards me." So when you show certain people on a very, very close range, take note that this was they were living in the same house, and they were having contact every day. When you are consistently showing someone disrespect on such a close, this is not like maybe office now. It's as bad as that because some people actually won't spend as much time in the office at the workplace more than even what the time they spend at home. So you can imagine over 10 hours every day of close contact with someone that is consistently disrespecting you.
Look at The Message Bible now. It brings out the word abuse in verse five. It says, Sarah said, told Abraham, "It's all your fault. I am suffering." What this, what abuse? So The Message version brings out the word abuse. "I am so free." Can you? So Sarah was suffering in the house, not from her husband, not even from her husband. Sometimes a wife is suffering not from the husband, from the mother-in-law. Is the mother-in-law? "I will never give her peace. We never give her peace. The threat is always there. If you don't behave yourself, we will throw you out. We get our son another wife." It may be coming from someone else, even within the house. And it's always more painful when it's at close range. If the mother-in-law is not in the house, and it is what could only happen maybe when they go visiting. But if the mother-in-law is even in the house, either permanently or visited, then you can imagine how bad it could be for such a victim.
So the third major point is the consequences. What are the consequences of emotional abuse? Emotional abuse can feel as destructive and damaging as physical abuse and can severely impact your mental health. Can impact your mental health. There are certain things you should not tell your husband. And if you are going to say, say it wisely, and don't say it often. You, and you call yourself a man, and you call yourself a man, you call yourself a man. Look at your friends, look at your mates, look at your younger ones.
And physical violence is often seen as being more serious than emotional abuse, but this is this is not true. The scars of emotional abuse are real and long-lasting. Do you know that today some women just have a bias about men? Why? Because of the damage done by just one man, one man to that woman, to that wife. So men now have some reservations, you know, and bias about women because of what they have gone through in the hands of just one woman. And this lingers for a very long time. So even when God eventually brings their way a good man or a good woman, they for a long time they are reluctant to embrace what God is doing, what God is bringing their way. So just because there is no physical mark doesn't mean that abuse, emotional abuse, isn't real and isn't a problem. It's a big problem. It's a big problem.
Do you know what happened this morning? Early this morning, the Holy Spirit just ministered to me. He said, "Take a look at the result of the investigation that was done as to the major causes of separation and divorce in marriages." You know, God helped us to do that about three years ago. Consulted with many experienced and established marriage counselors, pastors, many of them seasoned. They were carefully chosen, and we consulted with all of them to find out what are the major issues. So they all went back onto their notes, all their, you know, and then they started submitting their report. And God helped us to identify 20, which I have shared at different times in church. Do you know something? God just preached, shared this morning. He said, "Take a look at those 20 factors and find out how many of them are connected to emotional abuse." One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. Fourteen of the twenty. You already know them. They are on our, uh, on video, they're on YouTube. Our past message, we preached them up to four or five times. Fourteen of them. And then they said, "What is 10 of of 22?" So what is 14 out of 20? 70%. So what's the revelation? 70% of the factors that cause separation and divorce in marriage are connected to emotional abuse. So that means God wants all the singles to hear this message, and the married men and women. 70% of the factors that cause separation, frustration in marriage, divorce, ultimately marriage, they are connected to emotional abuse. That is why it shocks some people sometimes to just hear that the couple are separated, a couple of one, you know, they are filing for divorce, because, you know, in most cases, it was emotional abuse, and the victim was just trying to keep it and keep it until there was eventually an explosion in form of a reaction. May God give us wisdom in the name of Jesus.
Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may feel deeper and more lasting than physical ones. Yes, emotional abuse can have a range of impact, both mentally and physically. You know, sometimes some of the effects of these things are even deliberately exaggerated. Emotional abuse can have a range of impact, both mentally and physically. And one of them is being humiliated by gossip. Just unknown to you, people are gossiping about a man, a husband, a wife, and unfortunately, that story is 100% a deliberate lie, intentional slander. So you just become an object of gossip over something you never did. And that gossip is out there for a long time. Loss of trust in the types of people that occupy such positions or people that share the background of the abuser. So people will, you know, they will lose trust in the kind of people. So we begin to fear men, fear husbands. So we begin to, you know, generally just dislike and have reservations about women. And even wives, not necessarily the victims alone, but sometimes people are observing, like friends of the victims. And that is why you see, we have, we now have mature men in church. And what are they waiting for? Some of them are scared by what they have seen happen in the marriages of some men that they know are upright.
The recipient of the abuse loses their sense of self-esteem and personal value because of the consistent content bashing. Eventually, victims will pull back from friendships. They begin to withdraw from, you know, social events, convinced that nobody likes them. That's why I told us earlier that when you ever hear people or someone say, "Why do you hate me so much? Why do you people hate me so much?" Or someone will say to you, "If you know the in-laws, why do you people hate me so much?" It should not, it should not be taken from a point of confrontation. You need to sit down with that person and clear that issue.
Long-term emotional abuse can also result in health problems, including depression, anxiety, substance abuse. Some people have gone into heavy drinking as a result of emotional abuse. It's just that now, things are changing. In those days, now, when a, you know, in those days of our grandfathers, when they have a bad wife, one of the things they used to do is that they won't eat. They won't eat the food of that quarrelsome wife. But that has changed now. It has changed because it's been observed now that your wife is giving problems, and then, you know, okay, one modest way to just show your disapproval is not to eat. The person says, "You are not eating." Before you do it, she will eat your food. She will eat the food. Substance abuse. Some experience feelings of confusion, anxiety, shame, guilt, frequent crying, sleep disturbances. Some will not have to use sleeping pills because of the effect of emotional abuse. Headaches, fatigue, eating disorders. You know, two things could just happen. Is that I, you know, the person no longer eats at all, or the person now eats well and eats regularly. But I will advise you, it's better to eat well. That's a better option. Eat well, because if you grow thin, the abuser will be happy seeing you lean. See, when I'm finished with you, you'll become born. You just become a skeleton. So eat well. Alcoholism, feeling powerless and out of control. And then the last one, you know, very experienced for a meeting like this, marital frustration, separation, and divorce. This is the end result of emotional abuse.
That out of those 20 points that lead factors that lead to divorce, 14 of them, we cannot attempt to trade to begin to throw light on them. But I could just mention that one is life-threatening situation, physical assaults, and violent reactions. Number two, consistent disrespect and contempt for your spouse. Refusal to implement the right counsel of a much overbearing attitude. Certain husbands who want to relate with your wife like a master and slave relationship. Certain wives with a Jezebel spirit. The wife wants to rule the family and control the husband, have the final say over every decision in the family. When you consistently insult your spouse, you walk out at your spouse, you walk out on your spouse, you ridicule your spouse, even in the presence of the children and other parties. And then number three, sex-related complaints, sex-related complaints, sexual starvation, inadequate sex, consistently using sex as a weak pawn of strife. And number four, frequent verbal abuse and use of hurting words. Number five, adultery and emotional infidelity. Sex, excessive bitterness and unforgiving spirit. Excessive bitterness and unforgiving. You know, there are some levels of bitterness. You can feel it. You can feel that's why you observe gradually, you know, people start avoiding that house, avoiding that home because they can feel, they can feel the bitterness and hostility. Number seven, finance-related complaints. Number eight, impatience and fair-weather attitude. Always putting pressure, undue pressure on your spouse, undue pressure on your spouse, undue pressure on your spouse. Threatening to quit the marriage when certain needs are not met. Setting expectations or your desire changes. You give deadlines. "If you don't do this before December, I'm out of this house." Number nine, inability to bear children or a male child. And so you begin to put pressure, you begin to treat with contempt that particular spouse that perhaps the medical results are showing could be the one having some of the issues. The number 10, lack of trust, possessive jealousy, and frequent false allegations. Lack of trust, frequent false allegations. And number 11, loneliness and frequent absence of your spouse. Loneliness and frequent absence of your spouse. Today, we are now seeing grandmothers abandon grandfathers. So a grandfather now who trained all the children and paid all the price in his late 60s, in his 70s, is now going to the market. Why? Of course, all his children have grown, and they are some are, you know, possibly even out of the country. But his wife is alive. The wife is in UK, the wife is in Canada, the wife is in the in the US, the wife is in some foreign nation. And his dad, the husband, is left at home here. Loneliness and frequent absence of the spouse. Number 12 is lack of love, care, and support. Lack of love, care, and so. It's so obvious when people start asking, "How well, where is your wife? Where is he?" You see other women and all the ones, you know, filling the gap and doing the needful. You see other men, and other ones, you know, or some other man, sometimes maybe a brother from the family is not the one filling, doing what the husband ought to have been doing. And number 13, pretense and insincerity. Pretense and insincerity. Frequent lies. Frequent lies. You see, when you tell somebody too many lies frequently, you are emotionally afflicting that person. You may end up forcing that person say things he or she never would have wished to tell you or say. But out of frustration and anger over your lies, deception, you are going to accurate. And then they see you off to accurate. Then later that evening, they call and tell your wife that they have seen your car at Mourinho, in front of Mourinho. And that a spouse that never keeps to promises and agreement. You are worse than Nigerian politicians. You are worse than Nigerian politicians. Nigerian politicians, at least they will do small. You will not even do anything at all. And the last one, religion and faith-based issues. Hindering your spouse from spiritual fellowship is emotional abuse. Yes, and there are people who do that. You won't go to church today. You won't go for a hazard today. You won't go for that program. It's emotional abuse. It's emotional abuse. And why are you talking to a 40-something year old person, 40-something year old person? Hindering your wife, your spouse, from rendering service to God. Hindering your spouse from fulfilling their higher calling. Or compelling your spouse to convert to a different faith after marriage, and the marriage was based on the fact that this is your faith and this is our faith. Then strangely, you change, and you are expressing your spouse to also change. Or you begin to engage in fetish or cultic practices contrary to your pre-marriage stand on such issues. So I didn't marry my husband. I married my husband from church, and a good church for that matter. And unfortunately, some of these things are happening with the singles as well, between singles and courtship. Someone did a list of challenges in premarital relationships of some singles, and they saw the same things: verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting and manipulation, bending to societal and emotional pressures, pressure to have premarital sex, frequent and consistent disrespect, unkind partners, extreme entitlement attitude, emotionally immature, controlling partners, untruthful partners. These are happening even in courtship, and these are red flags that you must, you must take seriously and tread cautiously over.
So the last and closing comment, the fourth point. How to avoid and stop emotional abuse? How do we avoid or stop it if it's already happening? Proverbs 21:9, Amplified Bible. It is better. Can somebody say it is better? We are talking about the solution now from God's perspective here. What the Bible is saying? He says, "It is better to dwell in a corner of the house top, on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather, better extreme heat or extreme cold, when it's so sunny out there or raining heavily." The Bible is saying it's better for you to just be on the on the rooftop, exposed to that kind of harsh weather, than what? Than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and fault-finding woman. Fault-finding woman.
In Proverbs 21:19, Proverbs 21:19, Easy to Read Version. It says, "It is better to live alone." Are you hearing this now? "It is better to live alone in the desert." And you know, in the desert, you see white animals. They are what they call white goats. The goats that you are used to, they are different from the goats in the wilderness, rugged goats. The Bible is telling you, it's better for you to be there with those kind of rugged animals than to be with another rugged person in the house. He says, "That in done with a quick-tempered wife." You know, there are women that slight testing. He said, "Don't dash my husband's slap." What do you mean? That one is a, you know. So if it's when it's up to three guys, who is very bad, say, "But not just one slap." Don't marry a quick-tempered woman. You are going to regret it. Who loves to argue? Who loves to argue? And some of them, they deliberately take opposite positions. You, you team up with, you are now supporting. Mind you, they move to Man City. They move to Man City. Oh, you have moved to Real Madrid. They are supporting Barcelona. They observe that you are sympathizing with Ukraine. They stand with Russia and Putin. Say, "Putin is the greatest man I've ever seen." No.
And then Proverbs 22:24. Proverbs 22:24. You see, when just reading these scriptures for you, it already tells you. It shows you the mind of God. Good News Translation. What's the same? He said, "Don't make friends." You know, a person you are going to marry, you first of all have to be friendly with the person. That's the starting stage. And so the Lord is telling you that they are not even fit for friendship, close friendship, talk less of marriage. Say, "Don't make friends with people who have hot, violent tempers." Hot. He has not slapped you during courtship, but you have observed that when he's angry, he breaks bottles. When he's angry, he breaks bottles. That when he's driving on the road, you know, and somebody does something, he will come out and he would, he would demonstrate publicly on the road. But he hasn't touched you, and you are ignoring those. So when people ask you about, "How is it? Violent?" Say, "No, it's not. But he doesn't beat me. He has never raised his hand on me. But I have seen him demonstrating publicly." And The Living Bible says, "Keep away from angry, short-tempered people, lest you learn to be like them." That is another dangerous dimension. Iron sharpens iron. When you stay too closely with certain people, unfortunately, you begin to also trivialize what was an obvious fault in their life, and you begin to also manifest those faults. Lest you be like them. Then The Message Bible captures it better. It says, "Don't hang out with angry people. Don't keep company with hotheads. Bad temper is contagious. It spreads. Don't get infected."
Proverbs 22:29. Verse 22. I know some of you, some of you are saying, "All this one day Bible." Yes, he's there in the Bible. Proverbs 29:22. Good News Translation. He said, "People with quick tempers cause a lot of quarreling and trouble. They cause a lot of quarreling and trouble."
Colossians chapter 3, verse 21. Colossians 3:21, Amplified Bible, Classic Edition. It says, "Parents, take note of this. Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children. Do not be hard on them or harass them." You know, there's a level it gets to. Something will happen. It's unless they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. Do not break their spirit. Do not break their spirit. Tell that child, "You can still make it." Continue to share stories of people who failed initially, but they eventually they became the best. Not that the child comes, he fails first time, fails the content, then third time he brings the result, he has failed again. And then they say, "Yeah, well, it's the spirit of your mother. It's the spirit of your mother." The spirit of God. Check our results. Is the spiritual people? Maybe education is not your calling. So we have to look for something else for you to believe in your child. If every other person does not, as a parent, believe in your child, because with God all things are possible. And we've seen it happen over and over.
Ephesians 4:31. Ephesians 4:31, Amplified Bible, Classic Edition. He says, "Let all bitterness and indignation, wrath, passion, rage, bad temper, and resentment, anger, animosity, and quarreling, brawling, clamor, contention, and slander, contention." You know, you are in that class. Have you are you the type that when you correct, the next thing you, you look for a small cloth to tie your to tie your wrapper? If you have ever tied your wrapper very well in order to fight, then you are a contentious person. That was not just anger. You are a contentious person. Or you won't change. And we are shocked. You're going to change. You, you are deliberately changing. We're short. Then that means you are, you know, those are the people that are not domestic. But white. He said, "Blasphemous language be banished from you, with all malice, spite, ill will, or business of any kind."
And then the last one. Talk to a godly and experienced counselor. Talk to a godly and experienced counselor. That's the best way to stop it. Talk to him. A godly and experienced counselor. If you're in men's fellowship, speak with any of the male ministers, the leadership of the men's fellowship. They would refer you to the appropriate quarters. In the women's fellowship, you are single, you are a teenager, at any level, exploit the channels already provided in the church.
And we close with that opening scripture in Genesis 16:9. One version of the Bible says, "The angel of the Lord." Take note of this. When Hagar, now Sarah began to respond to the mockeries and scorn from Hagar, and she started to deal harshly with her, then Hagar ran away. And as Hagar ran away, something happened. In verse nine, one of the versions says, "The angel of the Lord said to her, 'Sarah, your mistress, go home to her and obey her.'" 70% of your friends will not give you this advice. 60% of family will not give you this advice. And take note that your friends will not even ask you, "But what did you also do that provoked and prompted her to start doing this?" Many people wouldn't ask. But the angel of the Lord knew the big, the bigger picture. And so he knew that the thought was not with Sarah. She was the problem. You are suffering from a reaction to your own arrows of emotional abuse. Somebody is reacting to your emotions and your arrows of emotional abuse. Correct yourself. Don't move out. It's not the solution. You are the problem. Go back and do the right thing. He said, "Go home to her." And don't stay in that home and continue to disrespect her. He said, "Go home to her and do what? Obey her."
Another version says, "The angel of the Lord." You see, the word "angel of the Lord" symbolizes a godly counselor, a godly counselor, somebody that has the spirit of God and has the mind and wisdom of God. It has the mind and wisdom of God. The angel of the Lord said to her, "Return to your mistress. You are the problem. Correct your problem." How many people can tell us this? How many people can tell us that we are at fault? It's dangerous to take critical issues like these to friends. So some friends will give you a solution that will make matters worse. So one of the most helpful steps is for you to speak to someone outside of that situation. And one of the best people to speak to, your pastor, relationship counselor that is godly. Because there are some of them now that don't believe in God, and their ideas are weird. They will mislead you by the advice. And please remember, healing from emotional abuse takes time. It takes time. It takes time. So God will help us. And I hope you have learned something today.