Transcription
There are few personal catastrophes that can be as damaging as getting involved with a cluster B woman, be it in a romantic relationship or as a daughter. Very often these women aren't diagnosed. So you won't know why you're walking on eggshells, why you are doubting your sanity, why everything has to be so difficult, and why the intensity never lasts. And uh, the these dynamics, they overturn lives every day. And so these are 10 rules to help you break free or navigate if you are if you find yourself having to establish a long-term relationship with such a woman.
Rule number one, identify the cycle. Everything depends on the awareness of the pattern of the behavioral pattern, which is idealization, rage, withdrawal, and hoovering, as in emotional vacuum cleaning, and then repeat. The first phase, idealization. It happens because the cluster B women are hypersensitive to threat, being very high in trait neuroticism, which means they are exceptionally skilled at reading emotional cues. They do this instantly and also sense what you most long to hear. This is not empathy or compassion. It's reconnaissance. They can mirror and offer attunement with scary precision because that's what their emotional life depends on. But this also means that they are able to create that once-in-a-lifetime, that feeling of the of the once-in-a-lifetime connection. And these these women, the reason I I insist on saying cluster B women is because they are these traits are vastly overrepresented in women. And I will die on this hill. That includes narcissistic traits nowadays. They often come across very attractive to men. That's why I always again again speak to men who find themselves trapped or have been trapped. You, I don't think I've ever spoken to a man who who doesn't. I've dated one of those. They seem very attractive because they they signal sexual availability. They know how to flirt and command attention. And because of that, very often you'll find yourself in a group of men who all speak positively, positively. They speak about how desirable that woman is. And so that gives the man a certain status. And she is excellent at making him feel singled out. "I chose you above all else." This is what hooks you, and you will feel like it's too good to be true in the beginning, and it's because it is.
Never forget that the hallmark of these disorders is emotional immaturity. And like children, they are unable to see reality unpixelated in high resolution. So they'll split people and situations into all good, all bad. It'll be, "I love you. I hate you, Mom. You're the perfect boyfriend. You never loved me." And in addition, the narcissistic element intensifies this. So there will be a slight, a very small sn slight something that a normal person would integrate into a high-resolution view of reality. Humans being flawed, but to them, it's meaningful injury. It's a late reply, distracted tone becomes abandonment, evidence of betrayal, and and it triggers this deep-seated need to secure the disrupted attachment and um and and the feeling of chronic emptiness. And so then rage follows at this slight, and in the next turn of the cycle. So you you you see this rage and you detach. Obviously, you think, "What is this? I need a break." You go. Then they sense this detachment, panic even further, or they might withdraw for a while and as a sort of punishment, but they will return and hoover. Common hoovering tactics are the apology hoover. "I finally see what I did wrong." Although behavioral change will never follow. What you will see as a boyfriend is the crisis hoovering. This is very common because suicidality is involved. They usually have high suicidal ideation, and so it'll be over the phone, "I want to make it end. I can't live without you," and stage a crisis or or create a crisis. There'll be the guilt hoover. "If you're a parent, you're the reason Dad left." And then there's the nostalgia hoover. "Remember that perfect picnic we had where everything was perfect and it was so perfect?" And once that that attachment is reestablished, the cycle will start all over again. And you'll feel that glow of the early idealization. And you'll believe all the promises made. "It'll be better, better than ever. Now we solved it. Oh, and we worked through all of our problems." And you think maybe this time it'll stick, but it won't.
And um, a practical way to assess this, that this is because identification of the cycle is key because you very often don't think you are in one. It's not like they can they'll come at you and say, "Yeah, by the way, I have this borderline diagnosis." So, look at the rest of their relational life. This is an illness of of relationships. And so, how many long-term steady relationships have they had? Very often, you'll find that siblings, parents, and friends are no longer a part of their life in a meaningful way. Listen closely to the way they describe them. There will be stories of betrayal, of conflict, of disappointment, always with themselves cast as the innocent party who did everything right. And you will be shown a gallery of villains: cruel mothers, jealous sisters, abusive ex-boyfriends. But for now, you will feel the pull to rescue, to protect this fragile, beautiful, innocent creature against all the supposed harm done to her. But what always fascinates me is that when I meet the people um in these stories, which I have often done, I'm startled at their ordinariness, of their lack of malice, of their confusion. "What went wrong? What did I do?" And so I think if you hear their side of the story, you'll come to some clarity. And the essential question I want you to ask yourself is: if someone has no lasting positive relationships in their lives with those who have known them the longest, what is the likelihood that you will be the exception?
Rule two is protect the innocent. That includes yourself. Protection must come before understanding and hope. And we know this when dealing with men with this type of disorder. But for some reason, we let cluster B women behave as they will. Physical consequences be damned. And they happen. They happen in the moments where this person is trying to satisfy the acute panic of emotional instability. In the moments where these women perceive abandonment, there are no lengths they will not go to to quiet that emotional pain inside. We have seen how they hurt themselves. It's not unreasonable to assume they will also hurt others in these moments. The impulse to relieve the internal emptiness will override everything else. It will stand in the way of duty and care and safety. It's not uncommon to see mothers texting furiously at a boyfriend in the car with kids. It's not uncommon to see her running from the house when she's supposed to be babysitting because a boyfriend's leaving. She will abandon responsibility mid-spiral because the demand for immediate attachment eclipses everything else. And and expecting them to rise to the task and giving them this opportunity the whole time, that's not compassion. But somehow acknowledging this is what's cruel. So don't put children or your elderly parents in situations where their safety depends on the emotional stability of a cluster B woman. And our second obligation is to ourselves. So if you are a man, this is a workplace situation. Document everything. Always leave the door open. If you can, if you can avoid it, don't mentor young women. Don't go to lunch with them. Use modesty as protection because it can destroy your career and your life.
Rule number three, break out of the cycle. With each repetition of the cycle, the attachment strengthens, and this is because the volatility produces two biochemical forces simultaneously. You have the dopamine rush of the idealization and then the cortical spike of the conflict of the rage. And when the hoovering starts, you feel the relief from the high cortisol and the start of that dopamine rush again. So, and this is very addictive. The only way to treat this is as an addiction. The combination of these two is much more addictive than a healthy relationship. And what happens is that you start you start confusing calm, the calm of a normal relationship with boredom, and the chaos of this relationship with passion because you think the the intensity of the the emotion equals depth. It never does. We always assume that these women are very empathic. But feeling emotions very intensely does not make you empathic. So breaking the cycle requires the same approach as with addiction: detox and refuse to participate. And for parents, it doesn't mean no contact, but a structured break. And then try to build your life like a fortress that has to weather these storms. They will try to break down any wall they can get to. So make sure to surround yourself with all the stability that you can and hold on to that. They'll try to to to make a wedge between you and your new partner and try to separate you from him. So, in good faith, I've seen this happen a lot that the cluster B daughter will take her mother away and and be the daughter that she wishes she had and that she hopes she'll she'll get and then see glimpses of that and take her shopping, and they'll buy a complete new wardrobe, and then she won't tell her partner about this or the new husband. It will be sort of their little secrets. Try to to to separate them. Also, if you're a parent, really important. I know you're gonna harbor guilt for what for for the fact that this dynamic developed, and that's because this isn't something that just happens at 20. At 20, the the foundations of this was laid in childhood. But the guilt will be weaponized by the cluster B dynamic. So the way the way to deal with that, work through your guilt with your partner or with a friend, someone who who has been there for a long time and can sort of reasonably, that you can reasonably assess together, where where am I right to feel a little guilty and how might I reasonably atone for that, and then forgive yourself. Don't bring the guilt into the relationship with your cluster B daughter as a form of self-punishment.
Rule number four, create a behavioral firewall. Your goal is to starve the reward loop. You want to become like a gray rock, emotionally neutral. And this ensures that you don't feed the drama and that you don't feed on the drama. When a confrontation or rage occurs, think customer service. They are always calm, always neutral, and then say this sentence. This is the sentence that all women like to hear when they're in the middle of a tantrum: "We'll talk when you're calm." So, you're not going no contact, you're saying, "I'm not here for this." But crucially, for parents or for those who want to stick around, if you want them to ever live like an adult, you must accept that they are that adult. Accept that if they insist on ruining their life, no intervention from you is going to prevent that.
Rule number five, no debates, no explanations, no justifications. The therapy speak buzzword that I hate the most, and there are a lot of them, as you may know, is boundaries. Boundaries has come to mean nothing. When you find yourself screaming over the phone, "These are my boundaries," you've lost. You have proven there are no boundaries. The rule is simple: no debates, no explanations, no justifications. Stick to the script. "We will talk when you're calm." Then go to rule number six.
Withdraw access when manipulation appears. When you sense a rage or a hoover or an outburst, you step back. Access and attention are the currency of the cycle. So, and be consistent. This is you are dealing with a toddler who has adult abilities and adult vocabulary.
Rule number seven, and this is a difficult one, it's going to happen. Do not be taken hostage by suicidality. Suicidality is so common. It's such a common hoovering tactic. But the attempts are very often non-lethal because the goal is rescue. It's not death. The narcissistic element of the cluster B has too much love for the self to kill it. That's why this dynamic often tend towards parasuicidal behavior. So, they'll take pills that they know won't kill them directly. It'll make them unconscious. And then they've phoned you before, and "I'm going to kill myself." And then you come into a scene of them live lying on the floor and and spittle or vomit and and and an empty pill box, and so on. And the and the histrionic element of the disorder um feeds on the drama of such a scene. So attention-seeking isn't quite right. Manipulation. It's a hoovering tactic. If there is danger, you send an ambulance to their flat without showing up in person again. You let them deal with the appropriate authorities, having to explain themselves to police if they can't function. You don't pay for their flat. Make them go through the humiliation of applying for welfare, going to the social services, etc. This is the only let the situation trigger real consequences. A parent shouldn't act as a buffer between an adult child and the real world. And so if you ever want to see any development happen, you you need to go back into your fortress and let the proper authorities deal with this person.
Rule number eight, do not regulate their emotions for them. And this is where normal healthy people will be the most. They'll be confused. They'll come and say, "Should I should I have been even kinder? Should I have did I do something wrong? I don't understand." Because our instinct is to soothe. They'll overreact. They'll have an outburst. For example, she spirals because you didn't you didn't respond quickly enough. You didn't text quickly enough. She perceives abandonment, calls and screams at you, "You don't love me." And your first instinct is to run after, "Of course, I love you. I was in a meeting." And there'll be the the emotional immaturity and the narcissism will prevent her from considering your circumstances. You might have had a difficult day. You were actually in a meeting, and um none of this will register. She won't. But the point is, when you go after her and soothe and try to regulate for her, where a normal person would feel shame after having had such an overreaction and would say, "Oh yeah, sorry," their shame and tolerance. So you so so they will react with attacks, and for every tear you wipe, they will have gained more and more control over the situation. That's why return to customer service. "I see this was difficult. Let's talk later."
Rule number nine. Ask, "Are these my feelings?" The projection will be constant. You will feel their guilt, their shame, their panic, and their despair as if they were your own. So, consult whoever is in your fortress: your partner, your new husband, your your friend, or the sibling that's been there for a long time. Ask them, "Are these my feelings?" And do not collapse under the accusations, especially the "never loved me" accusations. Try to model steadiness if you have to stay.
Rule number 10, grieve the fantasy. And this applies if you're staying or if you're going. You must grieve this fantasy person they allowed you to think, to believe they were. This is the version that appears in the beginning, that you see flashes of: the attentive, the adoring boy, the the girlfriend all the other guys wanted, the daughter you always always wished you had. They can be so intoxicating, but it's not their stable self. It's the hook. And coming to terms with this is really painful, especially for parents, because they have to confront the reality um that they'll never have an adult, a functioning adult child, maybe even that the chances of them becoming grandparents are slim. It creates profound sadness for them, and also the recognition that the that the window to give them this secure attachment has come and gone, that was in childhood. The window where they could have changed that trajectory is closed. Something else has to happen. All all you can hope for now is that the outbursts are limited and that the periods of calm are as long as possible, and that they gain some level of functioning. But this acceptance allows the relationship to be guided by what is possible rather than by the fantasy that keeps you trapped in the cycle. And it is very, very difficult for cluster B women to heal, if that's even possible. The only time I've seen it is when um when something extraordinary happened coupled with very stabilizing forces, and sadly, those stabilizing forces are the very thing that we have abandoned, which is why we're seeing this prevalence that we are seeing.
And so those were the 10 rules, and I hope they were helpful to you. Please subscribe to the channel and let me know in the comments what you like to hear, how you liked it. And then please come to the Substack community, the Psycho Bible Substack community, where there's lots more. Thank you for watching.