Transcription
[Music] How can I be a supportive co-parent when the morals, values, and beliefs are completely different between our households?
Tell me about it.
So, I think ultimately it comes down to um the three big differences are religion, money, and discipline. Um
Oh, those three little old things. That's it. Yeah. Well, well, yeah, those are the big ones at least, right?
Wow. Yeah. So, little backstory. Uh, we've been divorced for about 3 years. I have since remarried. Um, and ever since we I remarried, um, ex-husband is does not like how we run our house. And I'm finding it kind of difficult on how do we not compromise on our values and beliefs and kind of handle the whole co-parenting with all of that.
What What are his concerns? What does he when he looks at how his children are being raised in another household with another man co-parenting them? What does he not like about it?
Um, I think a lot of it comes down to our parenting styles and we have a very more structured house. Um, and you know, we go to church every Sunday and there's consequences for our actions, some good, some bad. Um, and typically that ends in like a booklong text message from him about how he won't allow this. And
what are the things though? You just gave me like a high level thing. What are the things he's saying I will not allow? He won't allow his kids to go to church. He won't allow his kids to be have consequences.
So going to the religion one, let's just start there. Um when I got married, we started taking our son to um my h now husband's church. And it is a different denomination. It's still Christian. Um ex-husband does not go to church at all. But he said that he would not allow it. Um even tried, you know, bringing this up in court in Americ like like friends that I love dearly, love dearly, they're like I call them like comic atheists. Like they're not even they're not even agnostic. They're like they e they even they see I mean there's there's documented literature there's scientific literature there's value in a structure of going to church every week. So
I mean even they're like no it's I can't argue that it's not a good thing. I don't agree with anything that's being said in that building and I think it's all nonsense and fairy tales but of course like getting up and going is not a bad thing.
Yeah. I I I agree completely.
Okay.
Um
so if he Here's the thing. If he doesn't like it, he could take you to court. There's a there's a process for that.
Yeah. and he has.
Okay.
Um
what the court say?
They would not uh rule on it.
Of course they would.
Yeah, exactly. Um but like that was a really big thing for a hot minute and how you know it it ultimately comes down to there's just tension between us then and
it is this this happens sometimes and I'm seeing it happen more and more actually which surprises me and I'm happy about it. I wish it could I could be happier that it happened before a divorce actually goes through the court system and a family's broken up. But where people are being mature and having hard conversations, exes are sitting down and saying, "Okay, I don't like you. You don't like me. We didn't make this thing work, but we have a it's important for our kids."
Yeah.
Are y'all able to sit down and have a conversation or No.
No. Okay. No.
Then here's the thing. then he doesn't get a vote. Y'all are divorced.
As long as you are honoring those children and not abusing those children and raising them in the way that you know and your new spouse knows is the most loving whole way we can treat these kids.
Yeah.
And regardless of the 15page text messages that we get, we're never going to talk ill of their dad.
Mhm.
We're just going to go through life doing the things that we the are living out our values because here's if your values were aligned to when it got divorced.
I agree.
Right. So, in that regard, he doesn't get a vote. And if he does want to try to assert a vote, he can go to court. There's a system for that.
Yeah. My question for you is if y'all can't sit down and have a conversation like adults and one or both of you is going to choose to lob grenades back and forth via text message.
Um, why is that still bothering you? You've married somebody else. You have a new husband. You've moved on.
Yeah. I
Why is that man still getting a vote in your life?
I don't know. Um, currently working through it in therapy. Okay. But I think a lot of it brings up a lot of fear and anxiety.
Why? Tell me about it.
I shouldn't say why. That was that was too abrupt. Like tell me about why. Tell me about the fear and the anxiousness.
Um that'll that it'll end up back in court. Um
let me just let me like So fear is a thing I I'm worried this thing is going to happen.
Anxiousness is worrying in the present about a thing that might happen in the future. Let me clear the deck for you. you will end up back in court. Ah, right.
Yeah.
That's not a thing you can avoid,
right?
If you have somebody that took you to court because you want to take your kids to church on Sunday morning, I promise you, you're going to end up in court over other things.
Yeah.
And so trying to live every minute, every second to not end up in court, it doesn't keep you out of court. It just ruins your day.
Yeah.
It ruins your new marriage. It ruins your relationship with your children. and they absorb that tension and like most kids in divorce, they think that they had something to do with it. They think this is their fault.
Yeah. We we do our best, you know, to to make sure that he knows that he's loved and we don't talk about it unless he has a question. Um, and even then we keep it very neutral and and vague um, in our house, but the transition days between houses are really difficult.
They're difficult if you allow another man to have a vote into your life.
Okay?
And I know that sounds so trivial and pedantic. It It just sounds like I'm mocking you. I'm not. Okay.
Sure.
Yeah.
When somebody cuts me off in traffic,
that's not personal. Has nothing to do with me.
Mhm.
But God almighty, dude, my body feels like, dude, you did that to me, right?
And I get to choose the story I make up that moves that goes from there. I get to make it up.
Yeah. And I'm going to do my best to practice choosing the story that helps me be the dad and the citizen and the American and the neighbor and the husband that's going to give me the best life possible and my community the best life possible. That means I'm going to make up when I get cut off and I exhale and that dude turns on and flips me off and then slows down real fast. Instantly in that moment I got two choices. Oh, you want you want to dance, buddy? You want like you want to pull over on the side of the road? I'm happy to oblige. That can be one story. Or the other story is I can slow down, too. I can I can nod. I can say my bad even if it wasn't my bad.
I can go on about my life because I promise you this, I have a better life than that person does. I guarantee you I do.
I guarantee it. I remember somebody asked Jaco, the famous Navy Seal. You know that guy is he's like a world class worldrenowned jiu-jitsu player like a like the tough guys tough guys tough guy right and somebody asked him like hey what happens if somebody steps to you in a bar and he's like I'd probably reach over and buy him a beer and then go find another place to hang out with my friends and they were like you just leave let him dishonor you and he's like why is that dishonoring me I clearly have a better life than that guy does
right yeah
I don't have anything to prove to you I'm wondering if deep down. There is still a conversation you're asking yourself, which is why did why wasn't I good enough for that marriage the first time?
I don't really know if that's the maybe
or what is it about you? I I don't know. I I'm fishing. You're throwing stuff at the wall. I guess at the end of the day, here's the deal. Let's just be real practical here. I know sometimes I talk too high level. Give me an example of a bad drop off and let's just run it back.
Yeah. Um, it was about Christmas time I believe and
Okay, that was that was what eight months ago.
Yeah, something like that.
That's Hold on. That's still in your That's still like burrowing into your nervous system.
Yeah.
How many drop offs have y'all had since then? Um, we typically trans do like transitions at school hours. So,
but you've had you've had multiple you've had dozens of drop offs, right?
Yes.
Okay. Why is this one on on a on a data trend? I'm making up a number. If you have a hundred good drop offs and one ugly one nine months ago, why is that one ugly one still ruining your day now in Halloween?
Um, he just started yelling at me in front of the kid, our son. And
what was he yelling about?
Um, about how I don't communicate and he doesn't have to listen to me about the time or what we had previously agreed on and called me selfish. and I just said, "I'm I'm not doing this conversation here um in front of in front of a kid."
Okay.
And I got in the car and left um after that, but it was just completely unwarranted and I I have a very selfless uh job and so it always kind of hits home. Sure. when they use those words.
So, I'm going to do something that sounds nutty. Okay.
Okay.
And feel free to be mad at me. This is an exercise. This isn't truth. Okay.
Okay.
I'm going to put myself in his shoes.
Yep.
This woman I married and made this amazing, beautiful kid with, she's moved on. She's she's with another guy now. And around Christmas time, I only get to see my kid this much time. And somewhere buried in y'all's relationship was a good Christmas somewhere. And there's a realization this is going to be the rest of my freaking life. And I see this woman that I have not been able to be reflective enough like I should. And I just see her and I throw all of this at her. the next 16 years of me only being able to see my kid on the holidays on a few days
and I act like a child. I just blow it.
Yeah. I just like that our our son doesn't need to see that.
No, you're I'm not excusing a thing he did.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
I'm just trying to get you into your car to shut the door and to exhale.
Yeah. and not find sympathy, but find a context. That's not This is not about me.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's about a dad who's sad he can't see his son.
Yeah.
And once nine months ago, he blew up. And by the way, the court would differ with some of the things he said. It's true. He doesn't have to listen to you. He doesn't actually.
Yeah.
But the court's going to decide the time and the court's going to decide the drop off. So, he does. And that's a guy screaming at in frustration. I get it. I'm not. And here's the thing. I'm not excusing what he did.
Yeah.
I'm trying to give you some healing paths so that nine months later, every drop off, you don't grip the steering wheel extra tight.
Yeah.
Cuz your child's the one's absorbing all that.
Yeah.
It's an exhaling and dropping my shoulders and thinking that guy sad he didn't get to see his son very often. And he doesn't get to yell and scream at you. And if you need to go back to court, go back to court. I'm not saying let him be abusive or nothing like that.
Yeah.
I'm just trying to say you choosing to be fearful and frustrated by a guy that won't talk to you, won't communicate with you, won't have breakfast with you on behalf of your son, won't do any of these things, how is he still impacting your day at this level? And at some point is like this idea like you don't get a vote. you don't get a vote anymore. And as he your son gets older, make no mistake, he's probably going to be the cool dad. He's going to be the cool dad. And you're going to constantly have to say, "Yeah, dad just Dad doesn't um believe in going to church. Oh, I think church is stupid. Dad says we don't have to go. I can't believe you make me go." I get that. I get that. As for our house, it's what we do on Sundays. It's where we go. And my hope is y'all go to a church where your son will find peace. We'll find acceptance. We'll find people with wide open doors saying, "I don't care who you are. Come on in." And his nervous system will tell him a different story over time. If y'all go to a hateful, angry, frustrating church, your kid's going to have that message reiterated by his dad. Be like, "That's not a place for you." And he'd be like, "Yeah, I get that." So hopefully dad lets me drink beer at home. Dad lets me stay up as late as I want to. I know. Yeah, your dad's the fun dad. But as for us here, this is the way we're going to do it. And I tell every parent this. When you get divorced, you go from wanting to win the week, wanting to have a great month, wanting to have a great year, to I want a 25-year-old young adult who looks back and says, "Oh my gosh, my mom stuck to her values and loved me." Well, I'm not trying to win the weekend and be the cool crazy weekend. I'm going to when you're 25, when you're 30, I want you to look back and say, I've got high high respect for how my mom navigated that madness. My stepdad kept showing up. kept showing up. And he married you, by the way. He married into a married a woman with a with a young son with a non-ooperative co-parent. He he opted into that. So, he's going to have to have some extra thick skin. And I just got hope and prayer for frustrated, sad, maybe acting immature dad that he'll come around and be like, "Hey, the best thing for my son is we play by the same rules. Probably not. But maybe, maybe. But the refrain I keep in my mind often is when somebody does something to me, somebody I've cared about in the past, somebody a stranger I don't know is, somebody bombs me on direct message, tells me I'm a this or that, what, I just exhale and say they don't get a vote. My wife does. My close friends and family do. They don't get a vote. I'm not going to let somebody else walk into my living room and ruin my day, piss on my furniture without my permission. And I hate it for you, Rachel. Divorce sucks. And after divorce, adults that can't sit down at a table, that's the worst, too.