Transcription
[Music] All right, you guys. It's episode 30 of Inner Demons. Inner Demons. I'm gonna get straight to it. I'm gonna cut straight to the chase, man. I know a lot of you guys been waiting for this; we're finally here. Um, I'm not gonna do no more [___], but what I am gonna say is this: So I listened to episode 29 of Inner Demons, and I covered a lot of what I wanted to cover; however, however, there's some things that I just want to re-emphasize, that I want to go over, so that you, some of you, get the full extent of the Corcoran experience, everything that was involved.
Um, the first video that I did on this, I think I think I went over this, that I wanted you guys to get the, the, you know, the mentality, what what was being thought about, the things that were going through our minds, our minds, the the realness of the situation that we were in, and the seriousness of the situation that we were in, and that's what I don't want people to miss here, man. Because, man, because no, I know a lot of dudes try to try to talk a big one, try to talk a big game, and they talk about how tough they are and this this and and that. But man, I've said it before, I'm gonna say it again: It takes a certain type of individual to go out to a yard like this, a concrete yard, and represent, and represent every 10 days the organization that you belong to, belong to. Everybody was scared to death in Corcoran. I guarantee you, man. People were feeling the same thing that I was feeling.
I want to talk a little bit more about the bus ride up there, and about some of the other things that that I kind of missed that were talked about in San Quentin. I told you guys we had a class over there that was specifically designed, designed to, us speak about the Corcoran issues. A lot of homies were going, a lot of homies, you know, we're eventually gonna make it out there, so we wanted to make sure that everybody was as prepared as possible. And this was a serious, serious, this was a serious time during this conflict because a lot of people were getting killed, not just Norteños, but other people as well. Now, you know, I I've said it um other times when I when I spoke about Corcoran, the majority of the people that were getting killed in Corcoran were Norteños and Blacks. Nobody could contest that; the numbers are there. All you got to do is look at the statistics. However, it doesn't take away the fact that there's still, you know, for the Southsiders, for the Woods, for everybody, for all of us that went out there, you were still fighting under a gun, and you were still fighting under the threat and fear of possibly dying that day. Every day that you went out to that yard in Corcoran, in Corcoran, you knew in your in your heart, man, that this could very well be your last day. You didn't know what those what those seals were thinking. You didn't know if they just if they wanted to kill you for some reason. You didn't know. And and they had, you know, they had every right, and it was a perfect situation for them to kill you if that's what they wanted to do. A lot of them didn't know a lot of us, because you know we were just coming there for the first time, and you know, so it it, what I'm not what I'm trying to say is that, you know, I think a lot of them just didn't like Norteños, man. You know, it wasn't like some of us were there and we had built a a negative um a history, you know, I was [___] with this with the CEOs, always disrespecting them. It wasn't like that. They didn't like us because of that. The Norteños were respectful as anybody else, if not even more. It's ingrained within us, and it's it's our policies. Every household, every functioning active household, we're all told the policies are are stringent when it comes to conduct that we don't disrespect the CEOs. We don't [___] with them. You [___] with the CEOs, they come in, they take our contraband, they [___] our program up, they they have a way of just coming in, coming in and disrupting our our business, you know what I'm saying? So we leave them the [___] alone, man. And when somebody crosses that line and disrespects them, a youngster, somebody that's uneducated, just some idiot that don't know how to control his emotions, we get on that fool. Because we, a lot of us, we like our contraband, and a lot of us understand that we're convicts, that this is their house, no matter how you [___] look at it, this is their house. They got the keys; they control all the buttons, man. So if they wanted to put you in a bad situation, they wanted to [___] with you, if they didn't like you, that's the wrong situation to to be on their bad side. You understand what I'm saying?
So anyway, um, one of the things that that I talked about in 29 that I kind of want to reiterate, and you know, for those of you that say that they already talked about this and you don't want to hear it, man, just spin forward to episode 31. Because like I said, even though I talked about some of this stuff, and even though some of you might say it's redundant, I still want some of you to to get to grasp the full, full, the Full Experience, man, everything that we were going through. Because a lot of people have asked about Cork, and I'm not going to keep talking about it, keep talking about it. I'm going over it. I'm gonna talk about the situations, the experiences I had, and then I'm gonna move on to the rest of Inner Demons, and I probably cover it in War Stories, you know, some of the some of the incidents that I was involved in. But at the end of the day, I'm not going to keep talking about it, keep talking about it. We're going over it one time, but I want to make sure that I I get this right, man.
So like I was telling you guys, uh um, you know, from the time that we left San Quentin, me and the other homies that I'm not gonna talk about, I'm not going to name them for reasons you guys will understand later, is is from the time we left, left, and we got on that bus, we were on a full 60. And I know a lot of you don't know what a full 60 is, because it's a Norteño caveat; it's a it's a security measure that we implement amongst ourselves that's basically, you gotta, so you got like a you got like a a quarter 60, which means, means to to be on your toes, to to stay alert, something might be going on, you know what I mean? Um, that's what a quarter 60 is. Then you got like a half 60. Usually it's just half and 460, but a lot of people don't know that there is a like a quarter 60, and that's like, you know what, something might be going on, some somebody has detected something, that just keep your eyes open, keep your eyes peeled, pay attention to what's going on. Then you got a half 60. Now, half 60 is like, it's almost we're almost positive something's going on, [___] could kick off, so be on your toes, suited and booted, make sure you watch your surroundings, make sure you guys watch each other's backs. A 460, something is definitely going on. Something's gonna, something's gonna kick off, or going into a bad situation where combat, or or you know, the the the possibility of war is, it's almost imminent; it's gonna happen. So from the time that we left, at least I put myself on a full 60. Now, like I told you guys, man, in the last episode, the other homie that that went with me, I got the feeling early on that when we left that he was depending on me to lead the way. I was leading the charge all the way there, man. He wasn't the leader type of cat that would take, you know, would take control of a situation or would be like, you know, I could I ask him something and he'll have to answer and he'll know what to do. He was depending on me, man. He was hanging on my coattail, straight up. And I mean, I was just as blind as he was, man. I had never been there; this was my first go-around. So, you know, but I'm a leader by [___], by by just by by uh instinct, man, by nature, man. That's just that's that's how I've always been. I'm an alpha male, you know what I mean? You got two types of individuals: you got your followers and your leaders. I've always been a leader, man, and it's just come natural for me. So, you know, that that's one of the things that I noticed early on is is, you know, this homie was like a [___], a baby sheep, you know, and I'm not saying that to to degrade the homie or make them sound sound bad, but it was like he was just, just homeboy would have been lost, and I I righteously wonder what would have happened had I not been there, what he would have done. Hey, I'm not going to throw it out there, even though I'm not identifying them, but and I just think things would have been entirely different. In that, the only reason why he participated or was even there was because I was there and I was pushing it.
So anyway, you know, um, being on a being on that full 60, man, it for me it just meant a lot, a lot of watching, observing, paying attention, everybody that was getting on the bus, paying attention to the CEOs, what they were doing, the transportation officers, watching everything outside of the bus, just you know, just paying attention to everything that was going on around us, man. And like I said, man, this is the thing that I want to keep emphasizing: the fear was real. Every [___] buddy on that bus was terrified. You were terrified, man. You were going to Corcoran. You know, those of us that were going to to the shoe were terrified, man, terrified, man. Um, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It doesn't mean I'm a punk; it don't mean I won't fight; it don't mean I won't put hands on your ass, man. It just means that I'm a human being, and I got regular feelings like everybody else, and that's that's just a reaction; it's a it's a reaction that um that happens when you get put in a bad situation, so situation. So um um so you're on the bus, and you're trying to get yourself mentally prepared for everything that's going on, man, um what what was what was coming. Um um I'm sure that all of us were doing the same thing, you know. You look over at other cats, and and everybody's trying to act hard and act tough, and you know, everybody's in their own thoughts, but I could see the fear in people's eyes, man. You know what I'm saying, though? And I'm I'm thinking of all the things that I've heard about Corcoran, all these things continue to run through my mind, man. You know, the uh, I'll get a little bit more into it, but we heard uh I told you guys there was a lot of myths, things that were being talked about, um um that didn't end up being completely true; some of it was, but you know, things like never allow your you know your back to the to the to the to the tower, make sure that when you guys get off you make the opposition, opposition turn their back to the to the towers. We want to be able to to keep an eye on those cats because they were killing us, man. So you know, that was one of the things I was thinking about. We heard that they had new guns, new bullets that were exploding in us, and I'm going to talk a little bit more about that um um later, man. But all the stories that you had been hearing, they were they're going through your mind while you're on the bus, and you know, Corcoran was a it's a long ride, man. It was a long ride. And the other thing is, you know, there was a lot of other cats that had laid over in San Quentin that came from Folsom. A lot of cats were going to the shoe. I found out um you know, I'm the type of cat, man, that you know, I'm not in prison, I'll do what I got to do as far as reaching out to different individuals, because that's that's my security. I gotta know who the [___] around me, especially in a situation like this. But for the most part, I'm a quiet cat, man. I don't talk to too many people unless I'm spoken to, and I just watch, I watch and I observe. But I'm not the type of cat that's that's real talkative and real soon is going to pull up and start talking to you, man. That's not me. I probably come across as being standoffish, standoffish, um and I've been told that before. But you know, in in this situation that we were in, were in when we were going out there to Corcoran, man, um there was a lot of individuals that had laid over from Folsom, and you know, I seen them, I made I made mental notes, looking at them, and I looked at their appearance for certain things that I'm going to get into in a minute, you know, tattoos and things that would identify their affiliation, whether they were Northerners or Southerners. And that was crucial, that people that would become crucial later on, it would be something that literally would it could depend on, depend on um you know, getting put in a life in that situation, man, whether this was a an ally, you know, whether this was a an ally or a foe. You you had to know, and this was kind of like a game that was being played later, and I'll explain what I what I'm what I'm talking about, man, no as I go on.
So like I said, man, all these things are going through your mind. You're on the bus; you're thinking about it; everybody's in their own thoughts, you know I mean? You're thinking about a lot of the homies that were getting killed; we heard the stories. You know, I swear to God, man, I was praying that I would have bypassed Cork, and I was like, I want to go straight back to bed, and I was thinking, I was good, I'd been to the Bay; I'm like, I'm not going over there; why are they gonna send me over there? They're gonna shoot me back to the Bay. Well, it didn't happen like that, man. Um, they ended up, okie dokie, me and, you know, that's just the way it worked out. I would end up going back to Cork over the years, years, um a few other times. So I guess it just came down to bed space, man, um you know, how many beds they had and and [___] like that, man.
Um, so anyway, like I was telling you guys, man, we had heard about this this at that time, time, um um 90, 90, 91, 92, we'd heard about a new bullet that they were using, and supposedly this bullet, bullet blew up inside of you; it hit you, and then it blew up. You know, I was used to getting hit with the Block Gun; I was used to getting hit with those blocks. I knew they had the Mini-14; I seen what kind of damage the Mini-14 caused. But supposedly, CDC had a new bullet that it blew up on impact, and basically it went in your body, when it entered it got inside, and there were like little pellets that just blew up. It was some kind of fragment bullet where where um it was it would maim you, man. It was [___] you up. And there was some truth to that; there was homies that were getting hit with that, um you know, I remember uh you know, I'll tell you guys like this too: A lot of the leadership, leadership, NF leadership, I never see none of them over there; none of them went through the Corcoran Wars. Corny tips, texts, tips, texts, um um skip, skip, um Stork, none of those guys went through the Rock, the Rock. The only the only individual that I remember that went through Corcoran was Chino. It was not Chino; it was um was a Chango from Chino, Vincent Arroyo, part of in at that time he was part of leadership; he actually got shot over there at Cork, and he got hit. I'm pretty sure he got hit in the leg. But there was a lot of homies that were getting killed, like I said, and there was a few homies that I would end up talking to over there that got hit, and there was one that actually got hit in the club from um from um come from Fresno, got hit in the leg, and was explaining how the bullet worked, and like it go it goes in you, bro, and it hits you, and you know, if it hit you in the leg, it goes in and it [___] basically just turns you into hamburger meat, man. It it explodes, and you know, his whole thing was in, you know, he's a good good dude, man, smart, intelligent dude. But his whole thing was like, you know, you want to get hit below the waist, because if you get hit below the waist, the worst that's going to happen is you're going to lose a limb. And I mean, listen to the kind of Lifestyle we're living, man. I mean, you know [___] it, I can give up a limb, you know I mean? We're out, we're playing uh uh you know, Russian Roulette; we're playing suicide, man. It was like, yeah, you know what, uh, I'm gonna go out and get shot; I'm just I hope I take it in the leg, man, because you know, his thing was like, Hey, if you take it anywhere above the the waist, you're dead, bro; it's gonna kill you, you know. So um if you get shot, man, try to get shot below the waist. And it's like, homie, then we ain't got no control over that, bro. If we're gonna get hit, we're gonna get hit, and you know, they're gonna aim where they aim. When you're out there and you're in the middle of a straight fisticuffs, hands hand to hand, mano a mano combat, man, and you're you're slinging them and you're moving and you're trying to watch the tower and you're trying to you know, knock this [___] cat out that you're fighting with, fighting with, you don't you don't know where you're gonna get hit, and you can't control that, man. But man, but you know that was some that was another thing that was playing on my mind: the homies are getting killed over there; they got this new bullet, you know what I mean? A lot of the seals over there, they don't like us; oh, they're purposely going after after um Norteños and Blacks. Um, you know, it's nobody's intention to get shot, obviously; nobody nobody wants to get shot, but you can't control it, man. You can't control it. You're gonna get shot; you're gonna get shot with wherever they hit you. And you know, like they say in Corcoran, or that like they got posted all over the walls, it's one of the first things that you see when you go out to that yard is uh you know, there is no warning shots, and you know, they when they do shoot that gun at you, they don't tell you, and we only fire at your legs, you know, most of the time, man. They don't give a [___]; they're justified; they're justified. Uh, you're a sitting duck out there, and it's like shooting fish in a barrel, man. You're out there fighting, and you're in a small area, and they're sitting up there in that window, man, and they got like, it's it's ducks, it's duck hunting, man. You know, they're going duck hunting out there, man. Um, so it just depends on the individual, wherever the [___] he wants to shoot you. If he wants to, if he wants to lay you down, he gonna hit you in the head. It's what, you know, a lot of people thought that Preston Tate got got killed um purposely, that the CEO that that killed him was a seal that had had shot quite a few individuals, man, and it just, you know, the the attorney that that fought that that um um that class action lawsuit had basically, we all got talked to, everybody that went through Cork, and at one point in time, whether you were, it was later when you were up in the Bay with you on the streets, that firm got at you, and they wanted to you know, they wanted to try to get your 115s and find out what happened, who shot you, and they wanted all that paperwork, because you know, some of these guys were these guys that were working these towers had a history of just constantly shooting people, and there was a pattern, there was a pattern, you know, uh
Black guy goes out with the white guy. Black guy gets shot. Black guy goes out with a Hispanic guy. Black guy gets shot. Black guy goes out with the Asian cat. Black guy getting shot. Northern, Southern, go up. Northern gets shot. Northern Wood goes out. Northern and gets shot. So I mean, you know, they were during the investigative part of it, man. Really, I didn't want nothing to do with it. I'm active, you know what I'm saying? I don't want nothing to do with it. We're trying to be, everybody's trying to be tough and be hard, Macho's like, "Hey, it's part of my life, it's what I do." Um, you know, I really don't want to get involved in it and be a, you know, a face in that lawsuit, you know what I mean? So, um, it is what it is, man. Uh, um, you know, the other thing, the other thing that I wanted to say is that, you know, it's this, man. So a lot of guys were comfortable, man. They weren't, you know, they weren't used to being in that type of environment, in in the middle of a war like that. Even us coming from San Quentin, you know, we're out there with nothing but homies. There's nothing out there. We're not in a war. There's a lot of African-Americans out there that are allies. So, you know, you go from that type of environment straight to a war, and it's like, damn, you know, you know what I mean? Um, it's it's a shock, man, honestly.
Susanville, Susanville kind of helped me adjust to that environment because the situation that we had over in Susanville was was damn near, um, it was deja vu all over again. They ran our yard with that other yard, with those, you know, the Visas that were strong Sereno sympathizers at that time, and it was it was similar, man. You go out, you go into an enclosure, they pull the bar, and it's it's on and cracking, man. It's it's a gladiator type of situation. Um, every man for his own, um, best man win, um, and and they were betting. So that kind of, it kind of helped me adjust to that environment. Otherwise, it probably would have been, I mean, I would have adjusted to it, I did it in Susanville, but still, man, um, for a lot of guys, man, that that that that got to Corcoran and went out there, um, it was a huge shock for him. It was a huge shock, and some dudes, man, like I said before, they didn't even, they didn't want nothing to do with, they didn't want to go out, and they became your enemy as well. Once someone didn't go to the yard, it was like [ __ ] it, they're gone too, man. Um, um, they become the opposition, and they got they got something coming too. So I've seen a lot of guys come through, their refuse to turn their light on, refuse to have, you know, be anywhere near their door when they started running yard, man. Um, um.
So the other thing I want to talk about is this, man, and this this is another ugly subject, but it is what it is, man. You know, a lot of guys, man, in in prison that are used to doing shoe time and did a lot of time in the hole and AD said one of the ugly parts of living that type of and living in that type of environment is having to keister weapons, having the keister uh uh, you know, a paraso, having to uh keister, you know, razor blades, man. Some, you know, there's a lot of people, including myself, that don't like to do that [ __ ] it's like like I might have somebody else do it, but Corcoran, it literally in some situations it became it became it became a matter of survival, man. You either did it or you ended up you ended up uh in a bad situation, man. So yeah, so so keystring weapons, man, that was another thing that you had to you had to become accustomed to it. You had to just get get the [ __ ] over it, man. It was a part of that life, and neither you did it or you ended up paying the consequences. Well, sometimes meant that you were going to end up going out to a yard, and you're gonna have to fight with three, four, five, six cats, and you had no equalizer, nothing to kind of like [ __ ] uh even even even up the score, man, so to speak, for lack a better term. So you know, I remember there was a homie that was in Corcoran that was actually, he actually learned how to swallow razor blades, keep them in his throat, and and he then he would he would be able to call from backup. It was it was a certain way that he would do it. He'd tie a string to him, but he had it down packed, and he was going around teaching homeboys how to do this, man. So that you go out and you know you could pull these razors out and have them in certain situations. You're gonna go out and you can you hand-in-hand combat with somebody. I mean, if that's what you want to do, you want to go out there, slice somebody up [ __ ] stab them, that's on you, you know what I mean? As long as you went out there and got off, did your thing, that's all that matters. That's all that anybody cared about.
You know, there's there's a lot of homies too, man, too, man. Um, um, back in those days, then a lot of them were short, you know, at one time. Um, you know, after I was there, and I know I'm jumping I'm jumping the gun, but you know, doing the pro violation at one point after catching time and catching more time, more time, and and eventually I would get put on walk alone, and then uh, you know, if I got taken off walk alone, the homies were like, "Hey, bro, if you if they take you off walk alone, just go ahead and kick back, bro. Chill. You don't have to go," you know what I'm saying? We're they were letting homeboys [ __ ] it out. I probably wouldn't have done that. Matter of fact, there was a homeboy, I want to say his name was Snowman from from San Jose, and you know, same situation, they told him, "Hey, bro, hey bro, um, you're short, you're short." He was like two months to the pad, and I think his name was Snowman. I can't remember, man, but anyway, but anyway, they told him, "Go ahead and just kick back, bro. You know, go ahead and uh um sit this out, man. You're short. Go home, bro. We got this, man." And you know, because that that that mentality was so deeply ingrained with within the homie, he was like, "Nah, bro, you know, I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna keep getting my money. I'm gonna keep getting paid." The way he looked at it was like, if I do that, you know, I'm turning my back on my people, man. So I mean, that's the mentality that we develop, man. It's it's um it's reckless, it's suicidal, um, and it's it's just crazy when when you think back on it, man. You know, people out there on the streets, they're not used to this type of [ __ ] half of them would be would they go crazy, man, um, if you just threw them in Corcoran and came to told them, "Hey, we're gonna come to your door, you know, in the morning. We're gonna take you out to the yard. You're gonna go out there and you're gonna get off, and you're gonna we're gonna be shooting at you," you know what I'm saying? Um, "Make sure you get out when we tell you to get out, but in the meantime, this is this is the program, man." People, majority of the people out there that are not used to prison life or even uh a lot of people from the hood that you know are not used to to living in that type of environment in in a war, you know, in the midst of a war, man, wouldn't wouldn't even do well in a situation like that. I'm telling you, man. No, I seen it, seen it happen. I seen some good dudes lay down, and it was crazy, man.
So the thing I want to keep keep uh uh explaining to you guys, man, is is just the the mental, the mental strains that this [ __ ] put on us, man. Um, it was real, man. You know, hearing about how they were going to mix this up and and um how we were gonna go out and you know uh uh on the yard with with with opposition, and you know, the bottom line is you were told that you just just keep going out, keep going out, keep getting your money, keep getting paid, man. Um, eventually they'll give us our own yard. That was the objective. We're gonna we're gonna keep going out, we're gonna keep fighting, we're gonna keep fighting. When we get our own yard, you know, it'll be all good. And we were promised that eventually that was gonna happen. Leadership was telling us, "You know, you guys keep going out and doing what you got to do, man. Eventually we'll get our own yard in Corcoran. You guys are fighting for our future. Remember that, man." I remember mandates were coming down and or not mandates, but just advisements. Homies were pulling up with uh uh, you know, with kites from leadership up in the bay, and you know, they were acknowledging a lot of [ __ ] that was happening in the Cork, and "You guys, man, or some of the you guys are the cream of the crop, man. You homies over there that are that are in the in the midst of this war that are going out there that are that are fighting, it's you guys, man, that are making a difference for the future." So when you hear cats, man, say, you know, um um, you hear some of these cats, man, that say, you know, "I I I'm part of [ __ ] uh uh, you know, that I was involved in some of the conflicts of the past, and I was uh one of the catalysts that helped our people or man," come on, man, that it's comical, man, when I hear when I hear that come out of people's mouths that, you know, "I was part of, you know, why you some of you youngsters were able to to to be on the mainline, and I helped fight for the future." No, you didn't. No, you didn't. You know what I'm saying? No, you didn't, man. Just because, you know, you go to prison and you catch a bag or you you uh you get into a couple fist fights and maybe you get into a melee or something like that, man, it doesn't mean that you were one of the the, you know, one of the people in in history that that are always going to be remembered in history that made a difference, that actually went out there and engaged with the Enemy, and at some point, you know, because of the sacrifices that you made, we eventually got our own yard. We eventually um all that [ __ ] stopped because um the war that that we were involved in at that time, you guys understand what I'm saying? So you know, I I just I trip out when I hear um people say that, man, that you know uh I was part of the, you know, I helped paved the way or I was, and it's almost it's almost, you know, I try not to get bad when I hear about people that say [ __ ] like that because it's not my business, and at the end of the day it really don't affect me, but in a way it kind of [ __ ] does, man, because I was out there. I was involved in this [ __ ] I got shot at at I used to catch [ __ ] um uh the knee knocker, Big Bertha, whatever you want to call it, every 10 days. I used to get hit with two of them at the same time. I've had those little copper fragments stuck in my skin from those. You guys know when they fire those those block guns, they're like little pieces, little blocks of wood. I don't know if they changed over the years because then they started coming out with this black like this hard [ __ ] uh it was like a hard phone type of [ __ ] but those blocks were like wooden blocks with a it had a like a copper band around them, and sometimes you get hit with those with those in the pieces of of that copper when it would hit you it would the impact impact would uh would uh would make that pop off the pressure, and sometimes you get little pieces of that copper embedded in your skin, you know what I mean? So you know, I know all about getting hit with with the um with uh with uh the Bertha, getting shot at with the real gun and gun, and that's why those of us that have really been there that really done that, and even even me going through Corcoran and some of the [ __ ] that I've been through, even I I'm not all over YouTube saying that, you know what I mean? And I could rightfully so because at least I was part of something that made a difference, but when cats, you know, when they when they um when they claim the fame, man, and they really haven't been involved with nothing nothing it uh in a way just it bothers me, man. You know, it bothers me that you know you got people trying to take credit for for your sweat and blood, for you know, I bled for that [ __ ] you know what I mean? I I used to get my mouth busted open or get hit in the head and almost took one with the with the [ __ ] real gun or get shrapnel um embedded in in my body because I was out there fighting, man. So I don't know, man, it's sometimes I try not to trip on it, but it bothers the [ __ ] out of me. I'm not gonna lie, man. Anyway, um, all that really matters at the end of the day, man, and even though leadership was was telling us that you know, "You guys just keep going out, keep going out, keep getting off," all that really mattered at the end of the day was that you represented the organization that you belong to and that you did it the right way, you know? Even even when you were scared, man, um a lot of us were scared, and we felt that fear. You can't talk about it. You're a gang member. You can't tell you you can't talk to the homie and tell them what you're feeling. You can't tell them about your emotions. So you know, you take that anger and you take that fear and you ball it up and you push it down, man. You ball it up, you push it down, and it turns into it it turns you cold, man. And once you're able to do that, you actually calm down and feel a little bit better, bit better. You actually calm down and feel a little bit better, man. Um, but that's not the way real people deal with emotions when they talk about it, but everybody's trying to be macho. We're trying to be gang members. You know, the NF, the Mexican Mafia, the the Aryan Brotherhood, the black gorilla family, they don't give a [ __ ] about all that [ __ ] they don't care. They don't care. They just expect you to go out there and represent, represent, represent, represent. Go out there, get it in, man, and keep getting it in. So I mean, it is what it is, man. So you know, one of the things that one of the other things that I forgot to mention when I was talking about um keys during and [ __ ] but you know that's another thing. So on the on these yards in San Quentin, when we were talking about you know, different scenarios and different different hypothetical situations, you know, some of the things that we're being told to us not only about like trying to get your get your opposition and get their back to the to the Gunner, the Gunner um um, you know, always uh um, you know, always watch your surroundings and and just different things like to never get down first. First, one of the other things that that some of these guys were telling us, "Try to get to the back of the bus. Try to always sit in the back because you know it will minimize having you to put your back to other people." Situations used to crack off on the bus all the time. Yes, you know, cats know how to [ __ ] take razors on there, and you know, even though you got belly chains on and you know you got handcuffs, there's cats that can still get up and and [ __ ] slice you, give you a Kool-Aid smile, man. Um, so you know, those were other things, and you also told things like, you know, um just to watch your watch your surroundings on the bus, watch everybody around you, and you know, your your senses are are peaking, man. Your senses are peaking, your ears, your eyes, you're watching and you're listening, everything, but you're also you also hone in on your sense of smell. Why? Because why? Because the reason why you wanna hone in on your sense of smell is because when you smell certain things, that means something, you know what I'm saying? When you're on a tear and you smell something burning, burning, what does that mean? Right? Some of you got it. I know you're saying right now, "Somebody's burning some plastic. Somebody's making a weapon," right? Well, if you're on a bus and and there ain't nobody back there in the [ __ ] and you smell some [ __ ] what does that mean exactly? Somebody's dropping a [ __ ] bad [ __ ] So you know, you you learn how to to look, to look, smell, taste, watch, hear, listen, all these things, man, because once once you become, you know, a a conscious security seasoned individual and you're used to being in those type of environments, you understand what I'm saying? Some of you that have been through it, you know what I mean, man. Okay, so just a few more things before I get there, and I know you guys are like, "Come on, man, let's get there. Let's get to the yard. Let's get cracking." I'm getting there, man, but I want to make sure that I cover all this stuff. So another thing that that that came up back in those days around 92, and this was this around this time everybody was doing it, but you guys understand what I'm talking about in a second. Um, a lot of guys were coming from Folsom, and a lot of guys were coming from Tehachapi that were going to Corcoran, and at that time there was a lot of leadership over there because you got to remember they were just the bay was just barely starting to open up, and so they were just starting to move people around, and some people got lucky and went straight to the Bay. Some people ended up having to go to Corcoran, and then they got rerouted up to the Bay, but a lot of guys were coming from Tehachapi, a lot of leadership, and a lot of guys were coming from Folsom. You gotta remember, too, a lot of the war, a lot of that war had started in Folsom. So you know, when the way back to when the shoe started up, they were some of the first ones to hit the shoe, and you know, at that time, at that time, nobody knew who anybody was. You got there, and you kind of had to figure it out. If you couldn't see a tattoo that identified something, a well-known bird or a [ __ ] a name, the the the name of a hood or something like that, a star, you had to pretty much you kind of had to figure your way around, man, and figure out who was who, something by by something. Um, you had to you had to to you had to um you had to um go out for something, man, and if you if you couldn't identify by the time you got out to the yard, that's when you'd either have to either approach him or identify him right there because this became a game for a lot of dudes that and I'm gonna tell you I made a mistake, a critical mistake that I forgot to mention when I talked about this um in episode 29. So being that a lot of us didn't know who was who or what was going to happen when we got to Corcoran, one of the things that that homies in Tehachapi and homies that were in Folsom, one of the things that they implemented was Mongolians. Now the whole purpose for a lot of these guys wearing Mongolians was for us to recognize who was who. We knew that if we seen a Mongolian that was in North, Daniel Daniel, that was the Norteno. Okay, homie, I got your back, bro. You know what I'm saying? That was somebody that you reach out to. If you've seen a Mongolian, you know, in in those situations, too, man, the best feeling in the world when you're in a war zone is to be able to see somebody, a homeboy. It's like [ __ ] Christmas time, man. It's like, "I got a homeboy, man." [ __ ] It makes you feel a little bit more comfortable, and it makes you feel better, but
A lot of these guys were getting, were growing out Mongolians for that purpose, for identification purposes. Yeah, you know, we hyped it up and we threw a lot of the [ __ ] uh, of the Aztec history behind it. That was just to hype the [ __ ] up, man. We're [ __ ] Aztec Warriors and and yada yada yada, all that [ __ ] It was all [ __ ] man, it was done specifically for the purposes of identifying who was who, because you didn't know when you got over there. I told you guys once we hit, once we actually got inside the building and we, we got in the shoe, our neighbors hit us up, "Hey, where you guys coming from?" And I made them, I made a mistake right there, but I didn't know. And this is something that homies overlooked when I was in Quentin. I should have been told this, man, but identified us as, it were Nathanieis. You know, we're from Northern California, Northern California. Um, um, and all I got back was, "Okay." There, they didn't identify what they were, back, were back. Nobody was, nobody was like, I said it became a game on the tier because that was to their advantage. You had to figure it out. If you couldn't identify them by ethnicity, obviously a white, a white cat is probably a white cat, but even then you didn't know because there's a lot of garageos that are, you know, that they, they, they're no Daniels or their Surenos. They grew up in, uh, in the hood, so you just never know, man. So that was like a game that, that a lot of these guys were playing over there. Nobody reached out to us and nobody, you know, said, "Hey, uh, we're North Daniels and you know we're Surenos." And if you asked, nobody would talk. Nobody was really talking, talking. Everybody was just kind of sitting back, watching, listening, watching, listening. Um, um, and like I said, I think it was for some of those cats when, when somebody knew would drive up, it was a tactic because I'm not going to offer who I am, where I'm from. You're gonna have to figure that out. Once we hit the yard, so you know, I, I identified us and already we were, we became an instant target for those on the tier that rolled with it, with the, you know, those Surenos that were riding with them and, and you know, the God was the woods that, uh, you know, we're riding with the ABS or the Nazi Lowriders. So you know, instantly once they heard me put that out there, I became a target, me and myself. So it was something that was a learning experience, learning experience. This is something that I would talk about later after going through Corcoran and hitting Quentin. You know, that's one of the things, "Hey, do not [ __ ] identify yourself," but by then, you know, things change, the program's different, um, buildings change, yards change, the way they do things, it all kind of changed in time. So, um, so, um, uh, uh, yeah, so anyway, that was, that was the homies from Tehachapi and Folsom that concocted that plan on how to betterly identify, uh, uh, you know, who, who was a foe and who was an ally. So anyway, you know, I pretty much, I feel confident now that I pretty much covered everything by being on the bus and the ride up there, you know, keeping your head on a swivel, while watching, watching everything, listening, smelling, smelling, um, your sense of awareness, the fear, you know, the fear that was, everybody was feeling. Like I said, I look over at the next man and I can see in his eyes that, you know, he was feeling the same thing I was feeling, was feeling the fear. It was real. You know, you can smell it in the air, people start sweating, it's a certain smell, but I know other people were feeling the same way I was feeling, you're trying to be macho, you're trying to be tough, trying to look tough, but at the same time, you know, it's, it's, it's a natural response to feel that way, man, to, to fear is fear is, it's, it's a characteristic that will help you, help you, um, um, you know, it's, it's your own body's way of putting you on a full 60. It's the best way I can, I can explain it, you know, fear is telling you, "Watch out," you know, that you're, you're in an unsafe situation, keep your [ __ ] eyes open, um, watch your surroundings. So you know, I hear guys all the time talking about they ain't scared and why, what this and, you know, uh, it's all part of my life and I grew up gang banging, man. Come on, man, you know, those are just people that ain't keeping it real, but whatever, man, you know, I mean, it is what it is, it is. So you know, the other thing, the other thing is, uh, well the last thing about the bus ride is, so you're giving a, you're giving a bag lunch, right? You're giving a bag lunch and inside the bag lunch was just a [ __ ] apple and two pieces of bread with the big old [ __ ] fat clump of [ __ ] peanut butter, butter, and you ain't got no jelly. But what do you think, what do you think is gonna happen when, happen when you know you try to eat that [ __ ] big old watery peanut butter when you're feeling like that, your mouth's dry, you're already [ __ ] your stomach's nuts. I couldn't eat it, but I could just imagine, just thinking about eating it, you know. There was people on the bus that were throwing up, and, and it wasn't that they were cars, that they were sick because they were car sick or, you know, it was the motion of the bus. It was fear. But you know, looking at that big clump of [ __ ] peanut butter, I was like, "Man, that [ __ ] right there, if I eat that, I'm gonna, I probably [ __ ] suffocate." My mouth's already dry, my stomach's in knots, there's no [ __ ] way I'm gonna be able to eat that dry ass peanut butter. Got milk, straight up, man? No. You know, that was funny. I just, I [ __ ] tossed that, that bag lunch. I couldn't eat it. Didn't have an appetite, didn't want to eat nothing. It was the last thing I wanted to do. I was too focused on what was going on. Um, um, so anyway, you finally get to the point where the bus pulls up to Corcoran. I remember when we were on the freeway, I heard somebody say, "There it is," and I looked over and it was the first time I got a look at Corcoran, and I remember just looking at that place, man. It's an ugly, intimidating, scary-looking prison, man. It is. Um, um, I remember just thinking like, "Damn, there's a lot of fools that have died in that [ __ ] prison right there. There's a lot of [ __ ] that's going on, death is going on on the other side of those fences right there." It's a massive prison, it's big, it's like a big square. You're on the freeway and all you just see is, just it's like gun tower after gun tower after gun, like, "God damn, this is a big ass prison." But you know, you're looking at it and you know that you're there and that it's about to go down at any given, you know, in the next 10, 15 minutes you're gonna pull up and it's go time, man. You're gonna end up getting off the bus. You know, that they have a greeting. I've heard about the greeting. We heard about that in Quentin before, uh, uh, you know, in, in those classes, other homies talked about it that it was similar to the greeting in Pelican Bay. This is, "You guys are the worst of the worst." This is the, the only difference between the two greetings, Pelican Bay and Corcoran, was they didn't have that, um, Corcoran didn't use the "die snitch or debrief," debrief, um, oh, "die snitch or parole," um, um, the, the whatever you want to call it, their little, their little saying, they didn't use that over there in Corcoran. Corcoran was like, "Hey, you guys are here in Corcoran over here, you guys want respect, you guys are gonna give respect over here. There's no warning shots, we just shoot to kill. You guys are gonna learn how to conduct yourself in this prison," and you know what I mean? "If we tell you to [ __ ] to shut the [ __ ] up, no talking to me. Shut the [ __ ] up, with no talking, otherwise your property's gonna end up coming up missing." You get off the bus, do not [ __ ] move, stand up straight and you stare up into the sky, you look down, you're going face first into the concrete. You know, they, they say something along those lines, man, and, um, anyway, so yeah, so you know, you, you see the prison when you get there and you're looking at it and finally, you know, the bus turns, it gets off the freeway and your heart's starting to beat. And I'm not saying that I'm, I keep emphasizing on the fear because it's real, but it doesn't mean like, you know, that we're all a bunch of [ __ ] man. I'm not saying that. It's just, it is what it is. I, I guarantee you that if any of you would have been on that bus, if any of you would have went through that situation, you would have been feeling the same way. You would have been [ __ ] terrified, terrified. You don't know what's gonna happen. You feel like just taking a [ __ ] man, because your stomach is just, it, your stomach's just going through it, man. You know what I mean? And again, all these things are playing through your mind, you're thinking about all this stuff, people dying, getting shot, this new bullet, you know, people locking it up, uh, fights that sometimes end up being, uh, you know, four on one, six on two. So you know, it's a, it's, it's crazy, man, leading up until the time when you get there. And then when you get there, you know, the bus pulls in and, and again, the homie that I was with, man, you know, he was terrifying, I can tell. You know, he's like, "Damn, B, man, this place looks crazy, bro." And I'm like, "Yeah, man," I'm like, "Listen, bro, get off the bus, just stand by me, bro. Stand by me, don't say nothing, don't say [ __ ] bro, don't talk back to these [ __ ] because they're gonna make an example out of somebody. That's what they always do. They're looking for somebody to make an example out of, and if you say something, even, even if you say something in, in, um, you know, as a joker to lighten up, to break up the monotony or lighten the mood, mood, chances are it's not going to end well. They're, you know, they want to make an example out of somebody, you want to [ __ ] stomp somebody out and show everybody else like, 'Damn, I don't want that to happen to me,' so I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut and my own business." Let me, uh, move on, man. So they take us off the bus and I'm going over this again because again I just want to make sure that I cover everything. At the time when I ran that first episode 29, there was a lot of [ __ ] going on and I kind of ran through it. I just want to make sure that I cover everything. So you know, as early as [ __ ] in the morning, it's early. I just, I tell the homie what I told him, we get off the bus, it's early, they have a stance, post up, stand right there by the bus, line up, and then they strip us out and then they take us into the building. You gotta remember at that time there was like 10 buildings, there was 10 buildings and buildings and, you know, it was the shoe was massive, man. Um, you got 10 buildings that are all running yards and shit's cracking off everywhere, man. You know, all the way from, uh, uh, 1B1 left, uh, 2B2 left or 1B, 1B, 1B2 right, uh, 1V2 left, that's how it goes. Um, um, 2B2, 2 right, 2B2 left and so on so forth, 3B, um, um, 3 right, 3B, 3 left. So it's all the way up, so I think they put me in 3, I want to say, uh, 3 right or 3 left when I first got in there and, um, you know, that's when I told him that, you know, I'm compatible with, with the homie, you know. There was another homie that it looked, he looked like a homie, um, that it came from Folsom and I was gonna hit him up, looked like a good cat, but you know, I don't know his history. I was on the yard with the cat that I came down with, he was clear, so I wasn't trying to make my situation any more difficult, man. I ended up getting in the cell with this dude, I find out he got some [ __ ] paperwork on him or something like that. Next thing you know, I'm, I'm not, now I'm not only having to go out to the yard and engage with these guys, man, but I gotta kill myself too. So at least I'm trying to have somebody over there with me that's at least clear. So I agree to sell up with him, you know. In the reason why I'm not, I'm not identifying a man is because I don't want to assassinate his character, but I'm just going to be straight up with you guys, I don't think he would have went to the yard if I wouldn't have been there. I honestly don't. He started asking me crazy questions, questions, um, about, um, about, you know, going out to the yard and like, "What if we didn't go and with the homies, know," and and stuff like that, and he was dead serious, he wasn't playing. But even if he was, like, "Why would you play with that, bro? We're in, in the, in the middle of a war, we're in a bad situation," you know I mean. Um, there from what I could tell in that when we got on that tier, there was no homies in there, there's nobody getting at us and that was concerning to me because I'm like, [ __ ] these guys got at us, they asked us, you know, where we came from, we identify ourselves, we're already targets. I didn't realize that until after, well, I kind of realized it on the tip because I was like, "Okay, well, they know where I'm from," like, I'm like, waiting for them to get back at us and say, "All right, homie, hey, we're Southsiders," but they don't say nothing. And, and I know I'm putting the cart before the horse here, but I talked a little bit about the interaction and I'm going to close it after this so I can get to the next episode. You guys gonna have to wait one more before we start cracking on the yard, but I'm gonna say this, so about the interaction as far as Corcoran and Pelican Bay, like I told you guys, man, I think the inner, the lack of interaction had a lot to do with not only the design of Pelican Bay or of, uh, well Pelican Bay too, you know, Pelican Bay is a lot smaller, the pods, there's only, only eight cells in the Pod, whereas Corcoran there's like, um, if I remember right, there's, there's either, either 10, 10, 10 cells, 10 cells, 4, 8, 9, 10, either 10 or no, there's not 10, I'm tripping, man. There's either 20 on the bottom tier, there's like either 10 and top is 10, so it's 20 or there's either eight and eight, either 16 or 20, I can't remember, but it's somewhere around that, around there. But you know, where the disadvantage, there's nobody getting at us, so we kind of have to feel our way around. Um, one [ __ ] uh, see somebody, so somebody could break something down, there's an Africano, but he's all the way down on the bottom tier, all the way in the corner. I have no way of getting at them. These guys are not trying to assist us with fishing, so you know, I leave it alone, man. You know, um, um, even though we're in a war, war zone. So there was still, there was still respect on the tier, in, in our neighbors. So we were all the way in the corner, but our neighbors used to fish with the Pod next door and they would have to go right in front of ourselves, they'd go in front of our cell and right under the door, door to get at their people in the next pot over, over. So, so you know, even though it was on and even though later on we'd end up getting into, uh, uh, we'd end up getting into it with, um, you know, them and some of their homies and, and some of the woods and we'd end up fighting later, it still never occurred to me to snatch their line, to start snatching lines, man. We don't do that, we're convicts, you know what I mean? That's how, at least that's how I was always educated, because we go out on the yard with these guys and we, you know, we go out there and we do our thing, when I'm gonna come back in and start snatching your line now, shut that route down, nah, man, we don't get down like that. I'm, you know, would I have assisted them if they would have needed me to throw their line over, probably, man. You know what I'm saying? Because I mean, at the end of the day, so what, who cares, man? The bottom line is, is the respect thing, we're all in that same environment together, we're all back there pissed off already, it's a [ __ ] up situation, why make it any worse by making more, creating more tension amongst ourselves? So you know, I let them fish, I let them do their thing, but it never occurred to me to, to snatch their line, you know. So there was some respect on the tier, it just wasn't as freely and as openly as it was up in the bay. Guys, we're getting, uh, packages in, in, uh, Corcoran in canteen and they were still looking out for everybody in, in everybody on the tier, tier. The Surenos, they get packages, they come drop off, uh, you know, little care package for us or send it down with the canine with everybody else, they have the bags with numbers on them, so they were, they were looking out. There was some, there were some, you know, respect on the tier, it just, we weren't talking like we were, like we were talking up in the bay. You know, sometimes if I wanted to play chess with somebody on the interior, look, this was later, later, um, not in that same pot, you know, uh, like going through Bedrock and [ __ ] later on before they shut Bedrock down, but you know, I'd be like, "Hey, hey, we're about to, we're about to play chess on, on the theater right now." So you know, nobody would trip, they let us do our thing, nobody say nothing. The other thing is, you know, it's real respectful over there as far as like the toilets are loud as [ __ ], so you know, you give everybody the common courtesy and respect of like, when you flush the toilet, that's something you're always gonna hear over there, AWA. You know, somebody, somebody's talking on the tier, you don't just flush them out, start hitting the toilet, you do that, somebody's gonna be like, "What's up with this dude, purposely flushing me out, disrespecting me?" So anyway, man, that's a lot to process right there. That right there is Inner Demons episode 30. You guys, man, again, I know I went over a lot of this in 29 and for those of you men that are watching this and they're all irritated, all irritated, you know, based on the fact that I repeated a lot of stuff that I did in 29, hey, you'll get over it, man. The bottom line is, I want people to really understand the mental, the mental part of this, not just the physical, not just talking about how we were out there catching bullets and fighting and, and just getting them up, but the mental part. I want you guys to try to, you know, I want to put you there and, and let you feel some of the same fear that some of us were feeling, you know what I mean? This is a hot topic, it's something I know a lot of you've been waiting for, so I wanted to get this [ __ ] right, man. Hopefully, hopefully most of you will understand. I went over it again, it's all good. I'm gonna hit you with episode 31 and that's the one that's gonna be cracking. Uh, how many episodes I'm gonna spend on Corcoran, I don't know. I'll go into the incidents that I had in then, once I'm done, you know, I go on CTQ and I'm up out of there, man. You know, so back to Pelican Bay bound. But anyway, man, this episode 30, I hope you guys enjoyed it. It's your boy B, check this episode out, watch it, listen to it, learn from it, from you youngsters out there, man. Any you youngsters, this is what prison is like. There's not a Corcoran out there right now, there's not a shoe program that's open like that Corcoran window. It was Gladiator School, however.
You know, some of these level four yards can get pretty, you know, they can get funky, man. You know what I'm saying? And um, this is just a glimpse of it, a little, a little look into uh, how, you know, some of the ugliness that um, prison life is, man. You know what I mean? Um, what exists behind the walls.
So, you know, for those of you that think going to prison is cool, man, you know, you might be just trying to get that prison credibility, that prison credit and and the fame from, you know, going to the shoe program and being around, you know, the Legends and being around uh, carnalism and a lot of good dudes, but dudes, but man, there's no future in it. There's no future in it. At the end of the day, you're going to be in situations by yourself. You know, you can lose your life going out to a yard like that, fighting with, you know, people that are considered your your opposition, and you don't know what's going to happen. It's the fear of the unknown; that's where that fear came from. Am I gonna live to see another day? Every day I went out to the yard, I didn't know if I was going to make it through the rest of that day. It was a reality. I used to write letters, and literally, literally, it would come out in my letters. I didn't want to freak my family out, but I used to write my mom, used to write my girl at that time, and they should be like, man, like [ __ ] shit's crazy over here. It's um, you know, I'm involved in just this prison is is crazy; there's a lot of drama going on over here. I write every letter to you guys like it's my last, and I wasn't trying to freak them out, but in a way I kind of did. Like, "What are you talking about? What's going on? I'm good. I'm just saying," you know, "Oh, people are dying over here," you know what I'm saying? "People are dying over here. I want to be okay, but I just I never knew if that was going to be the last letter." So I wrote every letter like it could have been, you know, in, you know, I didn't get no visits. I didn't want my people coming up there; I didn't want them seeing me like that.
A lot of times, man, uh, I mean, once you go out there and you start getting shot, you get bruises; sometimes you get hit in the face, sometimes in in the um, in the head, you know, and then, you know, you're going out there and you're getting it on with somebody; you might have a black eye, you might have a [ __ ] busted lip, man. So I told my people not to come up; I didn't want to see them; I didn't want them to see me like that and start freaking out, man. So I never got visits, but for the homies that went out there and did get visits, man, I felt I felt bad for them because, you know, later on I would hear the same thing. I used to talk to my family like it was the last time I was going to see them. I didn't know if it was the last time I was going to see my kids, you know, my mom and, you know.
So anyway, man, I hope this resonated with some of you guys. I hope I was able to really um, pound this one home, man, that that you guys really got a a good grasp of everything that I was trying to convey to you guys, man. Um, I'll do my best to make sure that episode 31 is on point and that I get, you know, that part of it right as well, man. There's a lot of [ __ ] that happened again; it's not all physical; there's a lot of mental. Anyways, man, it's episode 30. It's your boy B. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode, and I'm out.