Transcription
I want to, but it's probably not realistic. I want to, but what if I fail? I want to, but now's not the right time. If that sounds familiar, then this video is for you, because that voice, it's not protecting you. It's shrinking your life.
And I want to be clear about something right up front. Most people think that they're stuck because they lack discipline or confidence or motivation or clarity. That's not actually what's happening. What keeps people stuck is the way they think about obstacles. There's a very specific pattern that I see over and over again in my work, in my own life, and in the lives of people who want change, but never quite make the move. And it usually sounds very reasonable, very grown up, very responsible. It sounds like, "I should wait. I need to be realistic. I just don't want to mess this up."
And here's the uncomfortable truth. That voice isn't wisdom. It's fear dressed up as logic. Fear rarely says, "Don't do this." Fear is much more sophisticated than that. Fear says, "Not yet. Not like this. Maybe later." And then it keeps saying that indefinitely.
So today I want to talk about why that voice is so convincing, why it shows up, especially when you're on the edge of something that matters, and most importantly, how to stop letting it quietly make your decisions for you. Because once you see this pattern clearly, it loses a lot of its power. And if you've been telling yourself that you're just being cautious or practical or realistic, I want you to stay with me. You might realize that there's nothing wrong with you at all.
So, let's start with the first shift. And this one alone can change how you make decisions. Stop treating fear like a wise adviser. Because here's the thing, fear doesn't always sound panicked. It doesn't sound dramatic. It doesn't sound irrational. Fear usually sounds sensible. It uses words like realistic, responsible, smart timing. And that's why so many people mistake it for intuition. But fear is not trying to help you build a meaningful life. Fear is trying to keep you safe, familiar, and unchanged.
And to be fair, that strategy worked really well for most of human history. Our brains evolved to prioritize threat, to scan for danger, to imagine what could go wrong before it happened. That's how our ancestors stayed alive. The problem is that your brain is still using a survival operating system for a life that no longer requires it. So when you think about changing careers or starting something new or ending something that's no longer aligned, your brain doesn't evaluate the potential upside, it immediately asks, "What could we lose? What might go wrong? How can we avoid embarrassment or rejection or regret?" And because negative possibilities light up the brain more strongly than positive ones, they feel more urgent, more believable, more important to address. Which means that fear gets promoted to the role of decision maker.
Here's how that plays out in real life. You don't say, "I'm scared to try." You say, "I just don't think now is the right time." You don't say, "I'm afraid of failing." You say, "I need to be realistic about my chances." You don't say, "I'm worried about what people will think." You say, "It just doesn't make sense right now." And suddenly, fear isn't something that you question. It's something that you consult.
But here's the key insight I want you to take away. Fear is very good at predicting discomfort. It is terrible at predicting regret. Fear can accurately tell you that something will feel awkward or uncertain or uncomfortable. What it can't tell you is what it will feel like to look back 5 or 10 years from now and realize you never gave something important a real chance. So if you've been waiting until fear goes away before you act, that day is not coming. The work isn't to eliminate fear. The work is to stop letting it run the meeting.
Okay. Okay, so now let's move on to shift number two. One of the most common questions that I hear when someone really wants to make a change is this: "Is this realistic?" It sounds like a smart question, a mature question, a responsible question. But most of the time, it's the wrong one. Because when you ask, "Is this realistic?" you're usually not asking about logistics. You're asking for permission to stop wanting what you want. That question assumes that the future is fixed, that outcomes are predetermined, that your role is simply to assess whether something is likely, not whether it's worth pursuing, and it quietly shuts down your agency.
Here's a better way to see it. "Is this realistic?" is a dead-end question. It leaves you stuck evaluating instead of engaging. A much more useful question is, "If I decided to make this work, what would I need to learn?" or "Who has done something like this before and how did they figure it out?" Or even, "What's the smallest, lowest risk version of this that I could test?" Those questions keep you in motion.
And this matters because most meaningful changes don't happen in one bold leap. They happen through iteration. People don't get clarity before they start. They get clarity because they start. But when you stay stuck in "is this realistic" mode, you never gather real-world data. You're just running simulations in your head. And those simulations are biased toward danger.
And here's a thought I want you to really sit with. Realistic is often just another word for familiar. Your current life feels realistic because it's known, because you've survived it so far, because you understand the rules. That doesn't mean it's aligned. And it definitely doesn't mean that it's the best that you're capable of. When I was still working in medicine, my fear sounded very reasonable. I wasn't reckless. I wasn't impulsive. I wasn't unhappy enough to force change. I kept asking questions that made staying put feel intelligent. But what I wasn't asking was, "What would happen if I treated this desire seriously instead of dismissing it?" And once I shifted the question, everything else started to move.
So shift number two is this: Stop asking, "Is this realistic?" If you catch yourself asking it, try swapping it for, "What would make this possible?" That single shift can open doors that you didn't even realize you were closing.
Okay, moving on to shift number three. Let's talk about a phrase that sounds harmless, even honest, but quietly kills momentum. The phrase is "yes, but." "Yes, I want to change careers, but I don't have the time." "Yes, I want to get healthier, but my schedule is chaotic." "Yes, I want to start writing, but I've tried before and it didn't work." On the surface, these sound like reasonable caveats. But here's what's really happening. The moment you say "yes, but," you're already negotiating your way out of commitment. It's not curiosity anymore. It's not exploration. It's hesitation wearing a thoughtful expression.
And what makes this pattern so sneaky is that each individual "but" feels valid. Of course, time is a constraint. Of course, past experience matters. Of course, uncertainty exists. But when you stack those "buts" together, they don't add up to insight. They add up to inaction.
Here's a simple test that I want you to try. If you have said "yes, but" about the same goal more than two or three times, you're not gathering information anymore, you're looping. And looping feels productive, but it isn't. This is where a lot of very capable, intelligent people get stuck. Especially people who are used to thinking things through. They confuse overthinking with wisdom. But wisdom doesn't keep you frozen.
There's a line attributed to the Stoic philosophers that I love: "We suffer more in imagination than in reality." Most of the pain in your "yes, but" list hasn't happened. It's anticipated. It's imagined and projected. And meanwhile, something subtle but important is happening underneath all of it. Each time you talk yourself out of taking a step, you reinforce an identity: "I'm someone who wants things but doesn't follow through." Not because you're incapable, but because fear keeps getting the final word.
So, the goal here isn't to eliminate obstacles. That's impossible. The goal is to stop letting the existence of obstacles be the reason that you never fully engage. So, that's shift number three. Spot the "yes, but" pattern.
Okay, let's move on to shift number four now. And here's the part that people don't like to think about, but it matters. Obstacle-focused thinking doesn't just slow you down. It changes how you see yourself over time. When you constantly zoom in on what could go wrong, a few things start to happen. You overestimate how hard change will be. You imagine it as heavier, messier, more exhausting than it usually is in real life. And at the same time, you underestimate your progress. Even when you do take steps, they never feel like enough because your attention is trained on what's still missing. So you start to procrastinate and delay. And then you tell yourself you'll circle back to this when things are calmer and clearer or more certain. And then, without realizing it, months turn into years.
This is the quiet cost of always being practical. You don't usually end up in a dramatic crisis. You just end up slightly disconnected from yourself, from your curiosity, disconnected from your aliveness, and from the version of you that once thought, "I wonder if I could."
And here's something that I want to say very clearly, especially if you pride yourself on being thoughtful and responsible. Caution is useful in moments, but when caution becomes a personality trait, it slowly shrinks the range of your life. Most people don't look back and wish they'd been more careful. They look back and wish they'd been braver earlier. And bravery here doesn't mean reckless leaps or burning everything down. It means being willing to engage with uncertainty instead of endlessly negotiating with it.
So, if you've been telling yourself that you're just being sensible, I want you to gently ask, "Is this actually wisdom, or is this fear that's gone unchallenged for a very long time?" Shift number four is this: Recognize what this pattern actually costs you.
Okay, let's move on to shift number five. There's a subtle mindset pivot that makes an enormous difference here, and once you see it, you will start noticing it everywhere. It's the difference between a conditional mindset and a commitment mindset. A conditional mindset sounds like this: "I'll try if it's not too hard." "I'll give this a shot as long as it doesn't disrupt too much." "I'll see how it goes and then decide." On the surface, that sounds reasonable, flexible, low pressure. But psychologically, it keeps the door open to retreat.
A commitment mindset sounds very different. It says, "This matters to me. I'm doing this, and I'll adapt as needed." Commitment doesn't mean certainty. It doesn't mean confidence, and it definitely doesn't mean that everything goes smoothly. What it means is that the decision itself is settled. And this is important because when the decision is settled, your brain stops asking, "Should I keep going?" and starts asking, "How do I make this work?" That's a completely different mode of thinking.
There's a reason identity-based language is so powerful here. Think about the difference between someone saying, "I'm trying to quit smoking," versus, "I don't smoke." Same behavior, very different internal posture. One keeps negotiating. The other has just moved on. This is actually what I spoke about in my recent TEDx talk. The idea that identity always wins. We don't rise to the level of our goals. We fall to the level of who we believe we are. If the official video of that talk is out by the time that this video goes live, then I will link it up here and below. It's the deeper dive into how identity quietly drives everything.
One of the lines that I like to quote here is the immortal words of Yoda himself, and something that I say to my boys all the time: "Do or do not. There is no try." To me, this isn't about being harsh or rigid. It's about clarity. When you're in "try" mode, every setback feels like evidence that maybe you were right to doubt yourself in the first place. When you're in commitment mode, setbacks are just data. They're feedback, not verdicts.
And this is where people often misunderstand commitment. They think that commitment means forcing themselves through discomfort with willpower. It doesn't. Commitment simply means that you have stopped asking whether this version of your life is worth pursuing. You've already answered that question. So shift number five is this: Shift from a conditional mindset to a commitment mindset.
Okay, let's move on to number six. There's a metaphor that I have come back to for years whenever I feel myself hesitating, even when I know what I want. So imagine that you're walking across a field and you reach a tall fence. On the other side of the fence is where you want to be. You don't know exactly how to get over the fence, and you can't see the best way to do it, and really, you're not even sure how high it is in places. But you do know one thing: You don't want to turn back.
So, most people stand there for a very long time trying to think their way over the fence. They analyze, they hesitate, they wait for clarity. But the move that changes everything is this: You take off your backpack and you throw it over the fence. It's a small act, but it's irreversible. Once your backpack is on the other side, you can't casually walk away anymore. You've created a commitment. Now, your brain stops asking, "Should I do this?" and starts asking, "Okay, how do I get myself over there?"
In real life, throwing your backpack over the fence might look like stating your goal out loud, or telling one specific person, or putting it on the calendar, or spending a bit of money, or making it public in some way. Not because those actions magically guarantee success, but because they remove the option of retreat. And here's what's key about this: You don't throw the backpack after you feel ready. You throw it so that you become ready. Clarity follows commitment, not the other way around.
So, if you've been waiting for certainty before you move, this is your permission to stop waiting. Shift number six is to ask yourself, "How can I throw my backpack over the fence?"
When you step back and look at this whole pattern, all six of these shifts that I have given you, something important becomes clear. The voice that says, "I want to," but it isn't malicious. It isn't broken. And it isn't something that you need to fight or silence. It's just a voice that's been given too much authority. For a long time, it has been the one deciding when you move, when you wait, when you settle, when you tell yourself, "Maybe someday."
And the people who change their lives, they aren't the ones who never hear that voice. They're the ones who stop letting it be the boss. They still feel uncertainty, and they still have doubts. They also definitely run into obstacles. But instead of asking, "Is this safe?" or "Is this realistic?" they ask, "Is this aligned? Is this worth engaging with? And who do I need to become to follow through?" And that changes everything.
Because once you stop negotiating with fear, you don't suddenly become fearless. You become directed. You stop circling. You stop endlessly preparing. You stop waiting for the moment when you finally feel ready. And slowly, almost quietly, your life starts expanding again.
Now, before we wrap up, I want to say this. If this conversation has resonated with you and you can feel that you are in a season of change or reinvention, this is exactly the work that I go much deeper into in my upcoming book, Redesigning You. It's all about how the stories that you hold about who you are, your identity, your inner blueprint, these all shape your health, your choices, and the trajectory of your life far more than willpower ever could. So, pre-orders are open now, and I will link it below if you want to check it out and learn a little bit more.
And if you want to keep going right now, I recommend watching this video next. It's called "The Hidden Script Running Your Life and How to Rewrite It." It builds directly on what we have talked about today and helps you to see where these patterns actually come from and how to start rewriting them. I will link that video on the next screen, and then I will see you there.