Why YOUR Silence Always Wins Against a Narcissist

Why your silence always wins against a narcissist. You're very welcome here everyone, to this discussion on something that is positive for you to do in relation to a malignant narcissist, and that is to go totally silent in all areas, on all avenues. And I'll discuss that throughout the podcast as to how you can implement that 100%.

What I'd like to just say here before we get into the podcast is, it's not always appropriate to go total no contact with a narcissist. So that's a decision that you would make for yourself in relation to your circumstances, how close a relationship you have with this person, and how malignant their behavior is towards you. So that could be in a long-term relationship where they've been chipping away at you, and it's finally gotten to you, so you need to leave. Or it could be the circumstance where you're the 100% target of this narcissist. They're being very malign towards you, they're being actually evil towards you, they're being destructive, and they want to destroy you. So there are different measures and different circumstances and different closeness of relationships.

But in general, if you feel you're under attack by a narcissist who does not have your best interests at heart, or has discarded you like a piece of trash, and you want to know how to heal the best way possible for yourself and give yourself the best chance, and also how to keep that narcissist away from you to give yourself the best amount of closure you can give yourself. And ultimately, people want to avenge the injustice that's been done to them in these relationships. So that's the best way to avenge that. It is the most effective thing you can do with a narcissist in relation to any kind of punishment or equalizing of what's gone on in your life, and what they've caused you, and the pain they've caused you.

So without further ado, first of all, I'd like to describe the dynamic of a narcissist briefly. And that will enable you to fully understand the effect your silence will have on a narcissist, and why it is the most effective way to win in a situation with a narcissist. So essentially, the narcissist has been a small child that has been hit with either trauma or immense adulation from the other parent, or a mixture of both. And they're confused, and they don't know who they are. And they have the only thing that they know will help them survive is for them to have the control and the power that the parents have. So they don't know who they are, but they're getting mixed messages, and they don't feel good enough. They only get praise if they achieve things from one parent, and the other parent is putting them down. So they really don't like themselves very much. There's a great degree of shame there.

Even though to the world, they present as absolutely loving themselves, they essentially don't form the integrity or the character traits that a normal person in normal development stages, developmental stages, form. And instead, they look and see what works in the world. They look and see who's the most power and control, and they go down those avenues. They look at manipulations, they try manipulations, they see those work, and they literally pin character traits onto a mask they create for the world. Because they, in their true self, don't feel good enough to be out in the world. And this is their protective defense mechanism against anyone causing them pain on the inside. Unfortunately, it turns into an offensive mechanism for other people.

So essentially, you're dealing with, there's three areas of the construction, in my opinion, of a narcissist. One is the mask, which has character traits that are fixed to it. The other is that those character traits are put on the mask in order to have power and control over other human beings. So that narcissist can get their needs met from an outward perspective, in controlling other people to give them what they want, or to steal from other people, rather than to manufacture, develop, and be productive themselves. The third part of that construct is energy. The narcissist is not a self-generating energy mechanism. So they will sap and need the input of energy that they will suck out of other people in interactions with them. And that essentially, even though this is quite simplistic, that essentially powers up this hologram-like individual to go about their business in the world.

What that construction presents in the world is literally an automated, inauthentic, computer-like program person. What that person needs, or that construct needs, in order to exist is for other people to believe it's real. So it's the same thing as sitting down at a computer, say, and let's pretend we're 20 years hence, or maybe there are some of these existing out there nowadays, where the computer doesn't come on unless you sit down and give it a command to come on. And you want to say, "Play a game with this computer," and you say, "Give me the forest," and the forest comes on the screen. Essentially, although this is a very simplified version, what the narcissist needs from you is to believe they are who they say they are.

So when you start interacting with the narcissist, the computer program switches on, and they interact with you because you believe in the character traits that they present on the mask. So you're interacting with them, they have energy from you, they have power and control over you, they can get you to do what they want because they're better at the game, and you believe in them. So therefore, they exist. Now, if you take those as the core important things that enable the narcissist to go through life, you can imagine what your silence and your non-interaction with this person would mean.

In a nutshell, in a nutshell, they have no more power and control over you. In a nutshell, they're not feeding off your energy. If you were their main source of supply, they're going to have to dig around frantically and reignite old sources of supply, or generate that from people that are around them. And one way of generating it is, of course, the smear campaign. I'm going to get on to that now in a few minutes. So you, you essentially, by going silent, are taking away the narcissist's power and control as their main source of getting their needs met. You are saying that you actually don't believe in the mask they present anymore. You don't believe in that person. You've seen through that person, and there's nothing, nothing inside.

And guys, if you ever have had the experience of having a relationship with a narcissist and then say, meeting the narcissist out and about in a store or whatever, or meeting them at a function, and they look through you, and they're just not there, they're totally out of character, they're playing another role maybe in another relationship, or you just meet them and you say, "Hi," and the person you knew is gone. It is like, this is an identical twin of the person that you knew. There is no trace or element or connection to the person that they created for you. And it is the weirdest, most shocking feeling, and it's actually quite upsetting because it really confuses the target, the former target of a narcissist. But just to say that there is actually nothing there.

So if you were the main source of supply, and it can even be in a familial relationship, it doesn't have to be an intimate relationship. If you are at a point in time where the narcissist's main source of supply, and you go, and even if they've discarded you and gone off somewhere else, and you go silent, and they come to a time, and they will, when they need an interaction with you again to boost their energy and their sense of themselves and their control, and you're not there, that is a crisis. That is a crisis of identity, a crisis of life fuel source, a crisis of being for a narcissist.

If you interact with the narcissist post-discard, or you don't go silent, and most, most of us don't because we don't know that we were dealing with a narcissist. We're extremely upset because the relationship has just gone, woo, in a with no warning, even. It's over. All of a sudden, you've been two or three years with them, and it's over. And they're starting to say cruel things to you, starting to say cruel things about you, and you're left scratching your head, saying, "Have they had a nervous breakdown? What exactly has gone wrong?" And you know, you get the story. So most people don't either have the information or the emotional, what can I say, discipline? Or that's probably not the right way. They're too emotionally involved with a narcissist to suddenly go silent on them the way the narcissist does on you. And in a way, the normal healthy reaction is not, it's to seek answers. It's not to just go and go no contact immediately. So most people don't.

And therefore, in the part of the discard that the narcissist gets really fueled up, and we've covered this, there's plenty of videos out there as to why the discard is so cruel. The narcissist really gets fueled up by your positive and negative emotions when they've discarded you or they're devaluing you. And in fact, the more drama around the whole thing they can create, and in the smear campaign, and the more people they can involve in the fallout of your relationship with them, in the complaining about you, in the devaluation stage, in the fights they have with you, in the many discards when they discard you, and the whole talk about what happened with people, and the narcissist smearing your name, and people coming to you, and people going to the narcissist, and the whole drama is essentially fueling them. It's essentially essential for them. Even if you don't see the drama playing out, they'll be telling all their relations, family, and friends about, you know, how bad the relationship was, how bad you were. And I mean, normal people do that as well, but in the narcissist circumstance, this is fueling them up. This is making them, making their mask authentic, making them feel they exist because other people believe in the mask they've presented to other people as being a great guy, great gal, you know, the soul of the earth kind of person. And it's boosting their belief in their existence, and it's making their mask strong, and it's doing the job their narcissism is set up to do in protecting some kind of inner being that has no real identity, has no personality, but is a life force within the person, but that doesn't actually exist. And that's very hard to get our heads around.

So the mask function is working, and they're getting a lot of energy from people who are paying them a lot of attention and giving them their life source, their time, their energy, their attention, their opinions, their emotions. And remember, narcissistic supply is attention, adulation, and emotional output from others caused by the narcissist, who then feels in power of the situation, powered up, empowered, as near to happy as they can possibly be, and they feel in control, which is essential. They are therefore being emotionally regulated.

So I'm going to get on to the different reasons why your silence wins against the narcissist, even though that again seems quite simplistic. But winning against a narcissist basically is someone who's tried to cut your life, you know, off, who's tried to destroy you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, who's tried to feed off you, who's maybe tried to take your children away from you, who's maybe tried to hurt your pets, who's maybe tried to financially abuse you, to take your house, to make you homeless. So these are fairly serious issues. So you fighting that successfully is a fairly serious issue also.

So I will get into the positives for you of a full no contact, essentially, or a full silence. How that benefits you, and how it affects the narcissist and their ability to destroy you. And essentially, we've covered how it would affect a narcissist in their whole being when their main source of supply goes silent on them, in other words, is no longer accessible, available, or controllable, and no longer validates the existence of the narcissist.

And one point before I get that, is if you look at what your enemy does, and you look at their weapon of choice, often, very often, the modus operandi of a narcissist is to give the target or victim the silent treatment. And there is no coincidence in that. Narcissists believe by doing that, they're giving the ultimate punishment to a victim or target, because that would be the ultimate punishment for them. Watching a person and observing their behavior, and observing what they do, what they like, what they dislike, what they fear, what they most want, will give you a huge map in relation to the worst and the best thing you could do for that person. And essentially, that is what a narcissist will do when they meet a target. But that gives you the key to what the narcissist would hate most. And that's what they would hate most is your silence.

Okay, so let's see what your silence prevents the narcissist from being able to do, and how it can essentially make a win for you against the narcissist. Okay, this is predicated on your 100% no contact with a narcissist. And that means you don't post anything on social media that can be read into or have any relevance to the narcissist that you are being silent with or against. And that means you don't put up any memes or any romantic pictures or anything that could be read into, um, um, in any way. Because these narcissists are really good at picking up the minutest of details and reading how a person feels or what their emotional state is by what they're presenting to the world. So if you're say, presenting, you know, "I'm not alone, I'm here," "You know, good friends mean everything to me," all that tells the narcissist is that perhaps you're down and you need your good friends. So be very careful. Don't post anything personal at this particular point in time.

If you're going temporarily silent on a narcissist, or if you feel that you need to go fully silent on a narcissist, that is a decision you would make for yourself. You may need some temporary time out where you can reevaluate the situation. If you have to be in contact with a familial member or with the, you know, your co-parenting with the narcissist, you may decide that it's going to be a temporary situation to give you a bit of perspective. Or you may feel that you want this to be a permanent solution. So no contact with the flying monkeys, mutual people that know the two of you. No information. If you have to have contact with them, no information in relation to what you're doing, how you're feeling, or any chat about the narcissist. Um, no drive-by of their, you know, house, their work. Literally, literally, you go blank. You go, you become a ghost. There's no information out there that can be had on you, basically, to assess your emotional condition or how you're progressing, you know, after the discard or whatever that is. Essentially, going silent on a narcissist.

Okay, so what does your silence mean? It means that the narcissists themselves feel irrelevant. They feel powerless to have any effect on you. And it's essentially, you are not having any longer a conversation with the devil. You're not giving the devil access to you to manipulate or control you, or to read your emotional map at the moment where they would know what manipulation to use. So you're cutting off access to yourself in relation to temptation, in relation to fear, in relation to feeling guilty, in relation to feeling compassion. No access. You're a no-go area. They cannot manipulate you without being able to communicate with you.

There's no Hoover potential for the narcissist if you're not speaking to flying monkeys, if you're not giving them any idea as to your emotional state, again, to how you feel, to the fact that the narcissist is maybe still affecting you. You can be on the floor in bits. The narcissist is not going to know that. Although I would have to say, spiritual energy is another area, and I believe in spiritual energy, and I believe they can pick up on the minutest of details, and I believe that they are attuned to the energy of a person that they have enveloped in their is. But that's for another podcast. In general, your best chance of winning against a narcissist is to, in all physical forms, go silent. They will lack the power and control over you if they cannot communicate with you.

They also, your silence gives them nothing to feed on in relation to other people. So they can't go back and say, "Well, I checked in on Paula, and um, she really wants to get back with me. Um, she's not in a good place. Um, or, you know, she's had to sell her house, or she's lost her job, she's not doing well without me. Um, I feel sorry for her." Any of these things, they can't then bring you into the conversation with other people with any new or relevant detail. So they're still droning on and on and on about the old things that happened in the relationship, trying to get people's attention and feed off the drama that it was. And don't get this confused with needing to talk about a relationship with a narcissist to rewire your brain. This is a different process. This is an actual process.

The narcissist is going to Tom, Dick, Harry, Sally, Mud, and Mary to get the attention centered around them and to down you and to up them. It's a whole different dynamic. If they don't have you interacting with them, you know, sending them emails, calling to their house, reacting normally when you don't know about narcissists, like being angry about something they do with the kids, they can't triangulate you with their new supply. And a lot of narcissists will embed a new supply by using their ex or the old supply and presenting themselves as a victim of the past relationship, annoying you and triggering you so that you react in a way that falls on fertile ground with the new partner, who has been told you're crazy. So you feed into the narcissist's narrative.

Now, if you're being silent, and even if you do have shared children, you're being very respectful. You're, even though they lie about this, you know, you're not giving any obvious ammunition. They will lie and still say you're doing things that you're not doing. But the less you give, the less of a common target the new supply and the narcissist have to fight against. Even though the new supply may be fighting against you, thinking that the narcissist has been your victim, so they're kind of trying to defend the narcissist for whatever motivation. Some of them are narcissists themselves. You don't play into that particular and very important next wheel and cycle of the narcissist's behavior pattern.

So your silence really affects the success of their next relationship. And I know that sounds crazy. You know, most people think, "Oh gosh, I'm going to warn the new supply about this narcissist, and you know, that'll show them." And her or her, and that'll warn the new supply, and they'll be able to get away and they won't, you know, be as affected. And that's exactly what the narcissist wants you to do. It doesn't work. It backfires in every which way and plays into the narcissist's narrative. So, and it keeps the relationship going. It fuels that relationship up because they both think they have something special in each other, and that you want the narcissist, and the narcissist is a prize. So your silence really, in this circumstance, if you don't want to facilitate the success of the narcissist's next relationship, stay silent. Stay silent. It is a weapon. It is a weapon because of the way they operate, because of their behavior.

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Yeah, then if you're silent and cut off from the narcissist, they don't have access to your network of friends, family, work colleagues, etc., or the life that they had with you and the connections they made. They may have been able to keep some of them. But if you're not meeting the narcissist, you're not talking about the narcissist, you've told your family and friends about the narcissist, they have less in with them unless they have, unless you have some enemies in your friends and family that you now know, which is a good thing, even though it's hurtful. The narcissist, unless they have that and they've made those connections and they keep them, and their malignant connections that you no longer need in your life anyway, if those people have gone against you, they don't then have that particular network around you.

And remember, narcissists like to shelf people, to store people, to keep people on hold, in standby as backups. So that's what they're banking on, and everything that you come with, that you bring with you into a relationship. So your silence and no contact and total cut off from them robs them of that extra supply and that extra network, on those extra needs being met. They don't have the safety net that they banked on having.

And to conclude this talk about how your silence is so effective, and it's the only effective weapon against a narcissist, against a narcissist coming back to you, against a narcissist delaying your healing process, where an interaction with them actually sets all those neural pathways pinging and alighting again, and the good memories come back, and the grooming the narcissist has laid down in you, so to speak, become reignited. And it's very difficult to extricate yourself when you're still communicating with the person who wrote that software program and installed it in your brain hard drive. You're working hard to uninstall it, to get that virus out of your brain, to get that program out of your brain, so you don't want anyone trying to access it again and start it up again as you're trying to delete it.

The biggest, I suppose, win, if you're looking at it purely from a narcissist's winning and losing aspect, is the narcissist will go silent on you and give you silent treatments in order to bring you under control. And the exact same applies in a big win for you. If you're the one that can maintain a silent, I was going to say treatment, it's not a treatment, it's a, what it is, it's a healing treatment. If you can maintain silence with a narcissist, and they always Hoover. So they'll Hoover at some stage. If you cut off all avenues, you may not know they've tried to Hoover. But if you maintain it with a narcissist, to them, you're in control. You're in control. And the person who's in control, remember, withdraw and silence from a narcissist is one of the ways they feel and gain control over another individual. So if you've done that successfully, in the narcissist's eyes, you are the one in control, and you're the one that wins. And that drives them absolutely bonkers. Bye for now. We will see you again shortly. Take very good care of yourselves.