Transcription
Some relationships, my beautiful friend, are very draining; they drain your energy. No matter how much you try to please them, you feel that these relationships are difficult to satisfy. So today, Mel Robbins, in her book "The Theory of Overlooking," says, "I addressed this problem in this theory." So what is the theory of overlooking? This is what we will learn in this episode. Prepare a decent cup of coffee, and let's delve into the details of this book.
Peace, mercy, and blessings of God be upon you. Welcome, my beautiful friend, to the "First Chapter, Chapter 1" program. Its idea is that we read the first chapter of every book, so if you like this chapter, you can buy the book and continue reading it.
First, let's remember who Mel Robbins is, because we have previously explained a book of hers on this channel. Her book that we explained before was called "The 5 Seconds Rule," the Five-Second Rule. And she invented this rule when she saw the moment a rocket was launched into space. So I'll try to remind you of the story, if you've forgotten it.
Her life situation was deteriorating from every side at that time. She was unemployed, despite having worked many jobs before, and very respectable jobs. But at that moment, she was unemployed. So she knew she had to look for a job, and despite this, she was procrastinating. "Procrastinating" is a nice word here. Her marital relationship was on the verge of collapse. Her husband was losing, or had almost lost, his restaurant chain project. She had problems with her children. She had problems with her relationships. She had debts. She had unpaid bills. There were many things she needed to fix in her life, but she was drowning in the problem of procrastination. She couldn't find the motivation or energy to get up and fix her life.
She says, "The simplest problem I was supposed to start solving was to wake up early. Get up early in the morning and try to fix these problems." But she says, "I would set the alarm, and every time it rang, I would hit snooze after snooze after snooze until I turned it off and continued sleeping. And I wouldn't wake up until late in the day, or sometimes close to noon." So you can imagine waking up like that before noon, my dear. Your energy, by the time you charge and sharpen it, you'd need three or four hours, and the day would be over, bye-bye.
She says, "One day, I was sitting in front of the television, and I saw the moment a rocket was launched into space. An ordinary moment, meaning almost a normal program, and I was watching, bored, and in a bad state." So she says, "When the countdown came from ten to one, I noticed that these ten seconds were as if they were the point of no return. Meaning, she says, they were counting down the rocket launch as if they were telling themselves, 'We will execute the operation after we count ten seconds, and there's no turning back from that.' Meaning, she says, it would have been normal if they had launched the rocket without a countdown, right? So she was saying, 'No, they had set all the launch operations inside the rocket and from the control centers on the edge of the ten seconds.' All of it was precisely set for these ten seconds. So, once we count 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and 'whoop,' we start the operation, and there's no turning back from that."
So she says, "I said, 'Let me apply this rule to myself.' Meaning, if I decide to do something specific at a specific time, I count for five seconds and start doing it without thinking." Honestly, the idea of this rule is very beautiful, and we explained it in that episode; you can refer back to it. Anyway, she actually applied it, and her life started to change. Meaning, every time she was about to do something, she would count from five to one and launch into doing that thing without thinking. "I'm going to the club." Done. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and "whoop," I get up, get dressed, and go to the club without thinking.
Because she says, "The biggest obstacle against anything we want to do is that when our mind starts to think, it starts to think about the obstacles, and 'Oh God, how much time will it take?' 'Should I do it now or do it later?'" "Well, this is what makes you procrastinate." I liked the word "procrastinate." "This is what makes you procrastinate from doing this thing, my beautiful friend."
So she says, "With this rule, I started to research the psychological reasons and read studies in psychology about whether this thing actually has scientific implications. Are there scientific proofs that this thing truly plays a role in psychology or stimulates it?" And she says, "I found many studies that proved that, and the studies were present in her book." "But in this book," she says, "I faced a different kind of problem." "And the story began almost at her son Oakley's graduation party."
She says, "I have four daughters, all of whom graduated before this son of mine, Oakley. And for all four daughters, we held a graduation party or contributed to the graduation party, meaning..." So she says, "A graduation party requires arrangements and adjustments, and there's high pressure and stress." "She says, 'I expected that the graduation party for my youngest son, Oakley, would be easier, given that I had already done four graduation parties before him.'" "She says, 'But the truth was the opposite.'" "That party was the most stressful and literally messed up party for me."
She says, "First, he was refusing to have a graduation party. Meaning, he didn't even want to attend the graduation party." "So I sat trying to convince him, and eventually he was convinced." "And we started arranging for the party three weeks before. Meaning, there was almost no time." "So by the time we went to the tailor and rented him a suit—meaning, we didn't even tailor it, we rented it—and found the companion who would accompany him to the party, and many other arrangements, we were confused about what to buy, what to do, how to coordinate, how to arrange." "And by God, 'whoop,' the graduation day or the graduation party day arrived."
She says, "That day, the weather was supposed to be clear, but suddenly it turned into a rainy day." "So she says, 'What surprised me was that he was standing, and all his friends were standing, and they were about 20 people.'" "And not one of them brought an umbrella with them, as if they didn't care." "So I came and asked my son, 'Do you have an umbrella?'" "He said, 'No.'" "I said, 'Okay, should I get you an umbrella?'" "He said, 'No, no, Mom, it's not necessary.'" "I told him, 'The rain will dirty your clothes and mess you up, and I don't know what, you need umbrellas!'" "He said, 'Oh Mom, it's not necessary.'" "She says he replied to her with such a very tense response." "So this was the first situation."
The second situation was that during these three weeks, I was looking for decorations for him to wear with his clothes or formal suit. And when I came and showed him the decorations, he said, "I don't want them." She says, "So I tried to convince him that they were nice and beautiful and so on." So she says, "He replied to her in a very irritated tone, saying, 'No, Mom, I don't want them anymore.'" "And that reaction of his somewhat disheartened me a little." "Meaning, I was keen on him and worked hard on these decorations and his arrangements, and he seemed completely unconcerned."
So I went to complain to his father, and told him that "your son is like this, and he doesn't have an umbrella, and I don't know what," "and he doesn't want to wear the decorations, and he doesn't want any of this." So she says, "I didn't get a response from him that would soothe my heart." "So I turned to my daughter, meaning, 'at least try to convince him.'" So she says, "She came closer to me and said, 'Mom, let them be comfortable.'" "I said, 'But they'll get soaked and so on.'" "She said, 'Oh, my dear, let them be comfortable.'"
She says, "So, it was important that I, okay, let the matter go." "She says, 'Then I came and asked him, "Did you arrange dinner?"'" "Meaning, 'Did you book a buffet or a restaurant, did you sort out the dinner matter?'" "He said, 'By God, no.'" "So I said to him, 'Is it possible you didn't arrange anything for dinner? You were supposed to have done this months ago!'" "He said, 'No, don't worry, we're going to have dinner at Amigos restaurant,' a restaurant that serves Mexican tacos." "She says, 'It's a very ordinary restaurant, I mean.'" "So I said to him, 'Amigos restaurant?' He said, 'Yes, Mom, Amigos restaurant, I think we're going there.'" "So she says, 'I was very annoyed. I told him, "Oh, my dear, the restaurant doesn't even have enough tables for you, about 20 people, and you didn't make a reservation, so you'll be in trouble!"'"
Anyway, she says, he got very emotional and said, "Oh Mom, that's enough, don't worry about us, we want to have dinner at Amigos, and that's the end of it." I said, and I also turned to my daughter, "I mean, you see this situation too, and you want me to let it go?" She says, "So I said, 'Okay, I'll handle it. I'll go order them pizza and arrange their entire dinner. These people have no sense of planning.'" "She says her daughter was looking at her with glances like this." "Then she came and held my hand and said, 'Mom, listen, if Oakley and his friends want to go to a taco restaurant before the graduation party, let them do that.'"
She says, "So I replied to her, 'But the restaurant is very small and won't accommodate all of them.'" "'And they will get completely soaked.'" "So she says, 'She told me, "Mom, let them get wet."'" "So I said, 'But his new sports shoes will be ruined.'" "She said, 'Let them be ruined.'" "I said, 'Kendall, they are new!'" "She said, 'Mom, you are bothering them.'" "'Let them go to the party in wet suits.'" "'Let them go eat where they want.'" "'This is their party, not your party.'" "'Let them, let them be.'"
She says, "Her words affected me directly." "Suddenly, my feelings calmed down, my emotions quieted, the tension went away, I accepted the matter." "I said, 'Indeed, let them be.'" "They get wet, let them get wet." "His new shoes, God bless you, let them get ruined." "They don't find a reservation in the restaurant, or they don't find a place, let them eat standing in the rain." "It's not a very important thing." "Indeed, this is their day, this is their party, they want to live it as they want to live it, let them."
She says, "Indeed, indeed, I felt relieved." "The pressure went away, the tension went away, the anxiety went away, the nervousness went away." "And she says, 'I went and took 50 dollars and went to my son and told him, "Here, here is 50 dollars for the taco restaurant you're going to."'" "She says he rejoiced with indescribable joy and guessed, 'Thank you, Mom, for this, I don't know what,' and he ran to his brother." "She says, 'I saw him running, and his shoes were getting stained, God bless you, with the mud from the water, and his suit was getting dirty, and he was happy.'"
So she says, "His feeling of happiness seemed to transfer to me, and I rejoiced." "I said, 'Indeed, indeed, with a phrase we always repeat, I was holding on too tightly, so let them be.'"
So she says, "I went back and thought about the situation and thought about my daughter's words, 'Let them be.'" "She says, 'By God, what a beautiful word!'" "She says the days passed normally, meaning the situation passed completely."
She says, "Until one day came, and I was on Instagram, browsing on my phone like this." "And suddenly, I stumbled upon a post by one of my very well-known old friends." "So she had photographed her vacation in a certain city, and the weather was very beautiful, and the pictures she posted were very beautiful, and moments in the restaurant, and so on." "She says, 'As I was flipping through the pictures, the post was a collection of photos.'" "She says, 'Suddenly, when the full group of my friends appeared, I discovered that my group had traveled without me.'" "The group I always spend time with and lived a lifetime with, they traveled without me."
So she says, "I felt an indescribable feeling of sadness and pain." "And I kept asking, 'Why did they travel without me?'" "'Do they not want me?'" "'Am I bothering them?'" "'Am I annoying them?'" "'Did I do something that made them shun me?'" "She says, 'And then I entered a spiral of thinking.'" "And I was thinking, 'How do I correct the situation?'" "'Should I call this friend of mine and open the topic with her?'" "'And tell them, "Why didn't you take me with you? Why didn't you invite me?"'" "'Or should I send her a message, or wait until she comes and I meet her, and I'll say, "Why, and I don't know what," and so on.'"
She says, "And the more I thought, the more my negative feelings increased." "She says, 'And suddenly, the situation of my son's graduation party came back to me.'" "And my daughter's words, 'Let them be,' came back to me." "She says, 'Indeed, let them. If they want to travel together, let them travel together.'" "It's not like I, in the recent period, due to the abundance of my work, my communication with them decreased." "So maybe they thought I was busy, that's why they didn't call me, so let them be." "And maybe they don't want me to be their friend anymore, also let them be." "The world didn't end or stop."
She says, "And the feeling of peace returned to me." "And indeed, indeed, as we say in colloquial Arabic, 'to hell with it,' they're not the only friends in the world." "There are many others, it's normal." "And maybe the matter isn't personal at all." "Maybe they really traveled at a time that suited them and thought I was actually busy, and I was actually busy, that's why they didn't message me, that's why they didn't call me." "The matter is normal, you see." "She says, 'And my feelings of resentment almost subsided.'" "And I started to see their posts, instead of them trying to provoke me and upset me," "no, I started to see that they are indeed my friends whom I love and who love me, going out and enjoying a trip." "So instead of sending them a message to reproach them, 'Why didn't you take me with you?'" "I should send and tell them, 'Are you happy? May God increase you from His abundant grace. Enjoy yourselves, I hope you had fun. How was the trip?'" "And if they say it was beautiful, I might say, 'Okay, let's do it, I'll go with you,' or wait for them to suggest this topic." "But my handling of this matter changed because I accepted it, and indeed, let them be. Don't let it bother me. The world didn't end or stop."
So she said, "Here, my interest in the topic of overlooking increased." "And does it have foundations in psychology?" "Is this behavior really great because it truly reflected positively on me?" "And I started applying it a lot, actually." "Meaning, if my family whom I invited for dinner were late, it's normal." "My friends who decided, for example, to abandon me, instead of trying to fix them and correct my relationship with them and exert a very strong effort and drain energy, let them be." "People who misunderstand me, I don't need to justify myself to them." "I'll justify myself once. If they understand, welcome. If they don't understand, let them be."
She says, "I started to focus on myself more than I focus on people." "So does psychology have a practice like this?" "She says, 'And indeed, I discovered this.'" "I sat with many doctors and psychologists, girls and boys." "And all of them confirmed to me that this thing exists in psychology." "And they said, 'One of the biggest sources of happiness is for a person to focus on matters that he is able to control.'" "And the biggest sources of unhappiness, anxiety, pressure, stress, and anger is for a person to focus on matters over which he does not have the ability to control."
I cannot control people, nor can I control people's emotions, nor can I control their actions, nor can I force them to love me, nor can I force them to call me and invite me with them, or understand my words, or understand my personality, or understand that I am a very busy person today and don't find time to go out with them like before, or understand that my life has changed, and therefore I can no longer go out with them because their old lifestyle no longer suits me. They don't have to understand everything. I don't have to force them to understand this. Whoever understands among them, all the better. Whoever won't understand, goodbye.
So she says, "Ultimately, dealing with relationships and situations should have a filter." "There are relationships that truly matter to me, even if they drain my energy, I will continue in them." "Important relationships: relationships with my mother and father, my brothers, my sisters, my relationship with my husband or wife, my sons and daughters." "This circle deserves for me to exert energy and strive very hard to correct the relationship." "But for other relationships, you might find a few important ones among friendships, but the rest, no." "And there are many relationships that are neither friendships nor kinship." "Work relationships, office relationships, project relationships, neighborhood relationships, shop relationships, event relationships." "I don't have to force all people to love me." "And I don't have to try to control all situations and try to dominate them."
So she says, "At my son's graduation party, I was trying to control the situation." "I was trying to fix all the mistakes happening in it." "Then I thought, 'Okay, and then what? The mistakes will happen to them, they won't harm them.'" "Ultimately, this is something that won't harm my son, let him live it as it is." "If, by God, there is harm, I might exert effort, but if there is no harm, let him go." "So this is the theory of overlooking."
So she says, "Today, you focus on your life." "See where the areas, situations, or relationships are that drain your energy." "Try to exert your utmost effort to fix them." "But if they are unwilling to be fixed, let them be."
So the summary of this rule, and we have talked about it before in the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," is that you truly have circumstances you can control, and you have circumstances you cannot control. If your thinking is always focused on the circumstances you cannot control, things outside your will and control, he says, "you will feel pressure, tension, anxiety, and sadness." Indeed, this is what Stephen Covey said. "And if you focus on the circumstances that you are able to change, you can change something in them, you can develop them, improve them for the better," he says, "your feelings will be calmer." "And life is a mixture of these circumstances." "You will always have controllable circumstances and uncontrollable circumstances." "You will always see this strange mix continue with you." "So try to always direct your thinking, focus, and effort towards what you can control, what you can change for the better."
So this is the theory of overlooking in a very simple way. And there is a quote I really liked in this book. I highlighted it and posted it on Snapchat, if you saw the Snaps. Mel Robbins said in it, "Do not waste your energy chasing someone who has already chosen to leave." "Don't tire yourself out." "Go back, focus on your life, on your circumstances, on the things you can improve, and move forward."
And this talk, to confirm, does not apply to all relationships, my beautiful friend. There are relationships in your life that are very important, even if they are bad, they must continue. And there are relationships that are replaceable. So, God willing, you are mature and aware and know the difference.
Here concludes today's dose for this beautiful book. And I honestly advise every female to buy this book and read it, because it was written by a female. So the book is a mass of emotions, it will suit you very well, God willing. Because you know, we, I mean, boys are less than you, I mean, in terms of dealing with emotions, our matters are fine. But for you, feelings and emotions, this is your playground. And I think this book will benefit you very, very, very much. If you liked the dose, share it with those you love. Until we meet, God willing, in the next dose. Thank you for listening, and peace.