Transcription
Welcome. My name is Ian Salvage. I'm a Hoffman Process teacher, and we're so excited for you to begin this journey with us. So this is a self-guided session designed to primarily support you in several ways during this time, as you await your process start date. This class will provide you with a greater awareness of the basic working concept of the process; help you deepen the work on your pre-process assignment so that you can enter the week already grounded in the work; and also enable you to leave this session with a simple practice you can use to support yourself while you await your process to begin. So, as we go along, please have your handout available. There'll be time when I pause for you to take notes, and let's begin.
So we're going to take some time to talk about the cycle of transformation. We've been using the cycle of transformation for over 50 years now, and it is the structure for the week and the path through which you will experience deep connection to yourself, as well as transform what has been holding you back from experiencing your life in the way you desire. So the cycle of transformation includes several tools and practices that you're going to learn and use during your process week. So there are four steps you're going to be experiencing during your process, and currently you're in the first phase, which is awareness. The awareness piece is the most important one and can bring up many feelings and thoughts, so be kind to yourself, especially as you work through your own pre-process assignment. You will find an overview of the cycle of transformation on pages one and two of your handout packet.
The first step of the cycle of transformation is awareness, which begins with the pre-process assignment. It's designed to get you to explore and think about what's going on in your life today and how that has been influenced by your childhood. So once you become aware that a behavior or a way of being is a pattern and you can name it as such, the next step is to pattern trace. So pattern tracing allows you to begin exploring where you learned a behavior or a way of being in your childhood, from which parent it came from, and it's also important to reflect on the negative cost, the impact of this pattern in your life today. So we're going to go into more depth around this shortly. As you deepen your awareness, it becomes important to understand that you are not your patterns; that they are learned; you took them on to navigate your childhood family; and you were brilliant at adapting them. You're so much more than what you have learned to be. You can move beyond what no longer works for you in your life, and you're striving for an awareness that is honest, but also being non-judgmental and having some self-compassion. Awareness is what we want you to focus on during your wait time. So all the other steps of the cycle of transformation will become clear during your process week, but there's no need to fully understand them at this time. But we're going to briefly just touch on a couple of them right now.
The second step of the cycle of transformation is expression, and it's a natural response to the awareness of the patterns you've lived with. So we're going to be giving you space to express what you couldn't express as a child; to express the hurt, the pain, and the emotions that maybe there wasn't room for; and also help you disconnect from the patterns that live inside you by setting boundaries and saying "That does not define who I am," and saying yes to your true self. The third step is compassion and forgiveness, which is going to deepen your understanding and empathy for yourself and others. This brings you to deeply experience and learn how to be compassionate and forgiving. You'll gain a new level of freedom and peace in life within this phase. Then there's the fourth step, which is the new ways of being. You learn how to lead your life naturally from your deepest wisdom, authentically, rather than leading them from the learned patterns in your childhood.
In summary, going through the cycle of transformation is not about fixing yourself. You're not an endless fix-it project. There's nothing wrong with you, and we really can't emphasize this enough. Instead of fixing, you're going to learn to experience yourself and your life from a place of curiosity, loving kindness, compassion, and in doing so, learn how to love and nurture yourself into healing, which leads into deep evolving change. You'll be equipped to build a new life for yourself. We're going to talk about the negative love syndrome, which is basically the foundation of the work that you'll be doing during the process week. So to start off, think about a parent's specific behavior, um, a mood, an attitude that you couldn't stand when you were growing up, but now in your adult life you have the same behavior, the same mood, or the same attitude. So just take a note of this behavior, mood, mood, or attitude; name it as a pattern; and take note on page three of your handout. And take a few moments to answer these questions on this page: First question: Which parent or parents did you learn this from? Secondly: What were your thoughts and feelings about it when you were a child and experienced your parents acting in this way? How do you feel about yourself now when you actually act in this way? And also: What's the impact, what's the cost in your life when you act in this way? So, for example, let's just say you had a critical parent, and you hated being criticized as a child, but now in your life you find yourself either being critical to yourself or other people in your life, and how that has stayed with you. So press pause on the recording now and write down your own example, so you just practice pattern tracing.
So how does the cycle happen? We hated this stuff in our parents, and when we grow up we continue to act out automatically and compulsively, even when we know better. So more than 50 years ago, Bob Hoffman asked two questions: Why do seemingly rational adults automatically and compulsively continue to think and feel and act in ways that hurt themselves and others? And why is it so hard to change? His answer was what we call the negative love syndrome, and it's universal and it's really just part of the human condition. So consider the qualities of a newborn baby, an infant—they're innocent, they're open, aligned with their needs, and an infant, you know, they're so helpless, so fully dependent on their primary caregiver to survive. So what does a child need? You know, they need food, they need shelter, but what else can they not live without? Uh, they need attention, they need mirroring, uh, connection, and love. And what is love to an infant? It's a quality of attention that lets them know that they are seen, that they are okay, that they are in connection, that they, they will survive. So no parent, even the best of us with the best intentions, can be present 24/7. So in those moments when the child doesn't feel connected, doesn't feel the love that they long for, desire, in that moment they will abandon themselves and take on behaviors; they'll take on attitudes, moods of the caretaker in order to stay connected to them. It's like a false sense of connection—that if I take on their ways of being, that's my way, I get connected. Our survival is threatened in those moments, and we feel there's something wrong with us. So the solution is to abandon ourselves and to take on what we see around us: the behaviors, the moods, the attitudes, the beliefs of our primary caretakers, again to feel that connection and love from our family system.
So as we grow, this becomes a false sense of self that we identify, and we take in the patterns from childhood and live them into our adult lives. And now to Bob's second question: Why is it so hard to change these things about ourselves that we know are hurting us and the people in our lives? You may have tried to think away this stuff—did it work? Maybe occasionally for a little bit, but Bob recognized that these patterns were learned emotionally and physically before our intellects could fully develop. So the energy stored in our bodies and our emotional brains had to be released for real change to occur, and that's what you'll be doing in the second step of the cycle of transformation when you get to the process and have emotional expression.
So we're now going to talk in depth about patterns. We learn patterns in order to survive and to belong—they are coping skills from our childhood; they are learned ways of being. So now what is a pattern? Let's go to page four in your handout and take some notes. CU. Patterns are learned from our parents; they are learned, compulsive, automatic, and reactive; and patterns show up as ways of being and acting; they also show up as beliefs and admonitions; and they can also show up as compulsive feeling states or moods. So let's start with ways of being patterns. For example, maybe you have a pattern of always being closed off or withdrawn, or even always being nice. So take a moment now to write some other ways of being patterns you saw your parents had and how those patterns show up in your life today. Feel free to hit pause and take those notes and then come back when you're ready. Then we have ways of acting patterns. These are patterns that show up in our behavior: criticizing, interrupting, rushing, addictions, yelling, not speaking up, even silent treatment. So think about that and take a moment to write some other ways of acting patterns that your parents had and how they show up for you now. Again, feel free to pause, take some notes. Then we have beliefs and admonition patterns. So some beliefs and patterns that show up in our thinking: something like "There's not enough to go around," "Life is hard," "I can't have what I want," "I'll never get it right," "People always will criticize me or abandon me." Admonitions are the voices that live in our heads, the messages that our parents communicate to us about how to be, maybe like "Always be the best," or "or stay quiet," "Don't show off," "Don't trust anyone." So think about the admonitions that you learned in childhood and write those down, and again press pause. Then we have compulsive feeling states and mood patterns. So these are patterns that are based in feelings. So feelings themselves are not patterns, but when we get stuck in feelings, they become patterns. So, for example, being stuck in resentfulness or numbness or alone or feeling anxious all the time. This often happens in families that there is a chronic mood or feeling state. So, for example, if there was a family that had a lot of loss, there could be a pervasive state of feeling of sadness, and to be joyful feels disharmonious or disloyal to the family; or there might be chronic anger and irritability, of cynicism, perhaps everything is always happy happy joy joy no matter what is happening. So take a moment to write down some of the compulsive feeling states or moods that were prevalent in your family and how those play out in your life today, and again feel free to press pause now.
So now let's take a look about how patterns live in us. So turn to page six in your handout, because we often notice when we read a person's pre-work assignment that many people have a pattern checked off for them but not their parents, or vice versa. So if you remember thinking that you have a pattern but neither parent has one, or that the parent has it and you don't, pay particular attention to this one to see how they may be connected. So there are some basic ways patterns are acted out: it's either through adopting them, or in reaction to them, or rebelling against them, and I'm going to walk you through each of these using examples of being critical. So let's just say the pattern is being critical, and you adopted it, right? So we ask you to take this on as a working model for yourself, as an exploration. We adopt all patterns from our parents in one way or the other, so by acting out these patterns on ourselves or directing them at other people, but also we are drawn to others who do it to us; we set them up to do it for us. So why? It's familiar, family loyalty. So an example is if our parents fought a lot, we learned that love equals fighting and conflict, and if we get into a relationship with someone who doesn't fight back, it can be boring; doesn't even feel like what we learned about love. So when I directly adopt a pattern, there are many ways it can be acted out, using the examples of critical: one, I criticize myself; I do it to myself; two, I do it to others, so I criticize other people in my life; three, I attract others who do this, so I seem to be bringing in significant people into my life who are also critical, or I set up others to criticize me, so I will behave in ways that set people up to actually be critical of myself. So here's where you may see more clearly how your parents' patterns are in your life today. And then we have taking on patterns in reaction to them. So patterns that are in a reaction are when we compensate or protect ourselves to create a reactive pattern. So, for example, my parent was critical; in order to protect myself, I react by withdrawing or becoming invisible, or I don't share my thoughts or feelings. So you're actually taking on other patterns in reaction. A few more examples of how you can be reacting to patterns is maybe a parent was physically abusive, and the child took on a reactive way of being as always being apologetic or cowering; or maybe a parent was withdrawn or uncommunicative and maybe doesn't speak the language, so the child may have become the mediator at a necessity. So you're taking on patterns in reaction to how you experience mom and dad. And then there is rebelling. So when a pattern comes from rebellion, I rebel to be different from my parent. My parent is critical; I'm going to do the opposite. So a rebellion might be to be a pleaser, or to be proud of always being nice and never criticizing, or to hold back your voice, again being the opposite of mom and dad or your caretaker. Rebellion often contains like a "You, I'm not like you." So sometimes rebellion is the best choice; for example, if either or both parents were physically or verbally abusive, many people rebel in order to do the right thing. So rebellion is a two-for-one: we think we're not like them, and we feel righteous about that, but in reality we have both patterns inside of us, and we fight against the way our parents were. So rather than being authentic, we are being not like the parent.
So as you're doing the pre-process assignment, your awar—your awareness—will likely be heightened. So be mindful of the patterns that you—that are showing up in your life, and make the assumption that you are not born this way; that you learned these patterns from one or all of your primary caretakers. So do your best to make the connections to who you learn them from and how you learn them in your life. It could be helpful to make a list of the patterns you notice yourself going into between now and the time you come to the process, especially how you react to significant people in your life. So some of these may be on the list already in the pre-process assignment, and you may also find your own words for certain patterns. And pay particular attention to your self-talk, the things you say to yourself about yourself and about your life. These are also patterns that will be important for you to address, and again asking yourself, "Where did I learn to be self-critical? Where did I learn to speak to myself in this way?" As you do this work, remember that we all have patterns; it's a normal part of being human. There is nothing wrong with you. So be gentle. A phrase that may be useful is "I have patterns, and I am not my patterns. I learned them."
So in the Hoffman Process, you'll learn how to disempower the patterns and embody the qualities of your authentic self, your true self, your spiritual self. Well, welcome back. My name is Ian. I'm a Hoffman teacher, and we're going to talk about the Quadrinity Model. So go to page seven in your handout, and we use a quadrinity model for understanding and describing how we experience process and interact with ourselves, others, and the world. So in this model, we have four aspects of the self: we have our intellect, we have our emotional self, we have the physical body, and we have your authentic self, which we call your spiritual self. The Quadrinity is your whole integrated self, embodying all four aspects. So we're going to be exploring each aspect that's going to be helping you and supporting you into deepening your awareness, and all four of these aspects have vital, positive, and wonderful qualities. In three aspects of your Quadrinity—which is the intellect, the emotional self, and the body—they developed strategies for surviving, for succeeding, and for, for earning love, as you just learned patterns. So we call these strategies of surviving patterns. The problem with the patterns or strategies is they actually move you away from your authentic self. You learned and adopted these patterns in an effort to earn love, to feel safe, based on what your parents and caregivers expected and demanded of you, whether that it was explicit or implicit.
So let's take some time now to explore these four aspects of yourself, and we're going to start with the intellect. This is the thinking aspect of yourself, uh, your logical and problem-solving thought processor, which includes so many wonderful values, um, your intellect has positive qualities such as good judgment, being able to make, you know, rational decisions, and also learning how to, to uh, learning and gaining knowledge, gathering and analyzing information, the ability to problem-solve. So has wonderful, wonderful positive qualities, and some of the common negative patterns of the intellect show up as rationalizing or being critical, being judgmental, um, catastrophizing, or a lot of negative beliefs about who you are, about other people, negative beliefs about the world, world. The intellect is often assessing to see where you line up, so maybe comparing yourself to others, sometimes you are superior, maybe sometimes you're inferior. So the intellect has amazing positive qualities and also has negative patterns. Then we have the emotional self. This is the feeling aspect of the self. The emotional self is the aspect of you which is feeling vital information about what is true for you, what your boundaries are, and what brings you joy, passion, and meaning. So feeling, knowing, and naming your feelings create connection and intimacy with yourself, and we need our full range of feelings, from joy and ecstasy all the way to grief and anger. Yet most of us were taught implicitly or explicitly to deny or shut down our feelings and our emotional needs. So your emotional self is often a younger version of you; we call this an emotional child whose needs were and still are unmet, and you may have learned to shut down your feelings in childhood in order to be accepted and loved; perhaps believe that you must hide or suppress your feelings to be accepted; or maybe learn that there were certain feelings that just weren't allowed to be emoted. So you learn, oh, certain, certain feelings are are okay to emote, so certain feelings I should not. And as an adult, you compulsively use the same strategies to try to get love, and you likely find yourself empty-handed, or more precisely, empty-hearted. So some of the positive qualities of your emotional self are the ability to feel empathy and connection with people in your life, um, your spontaneity and your expressiveness come from your emotional self, and knowing or sensing what's going on within you or around you is a great quality of this emotional part of you. And then some of the negative strategies, or patterns, of your emotional self are maybe you have a limited emotional range or rules about feelings—some feelings are okay to feel, and maybe some feelings are not okay to feel. Another pattern of the emotional self is getting stuck in feelings. So feelings are not patterns, but they can turn into ways of being, so compulsive moods, moving through life with deep sadness or deep anger, typical feelings of people getting stuck in shame, fear, pain, or even numbing out. And then we have the body. This is the sensation and the physical expression aspect of yourself. So your physical body also has a positive—has many positive qualities; it allows you to have expression, uh, navigate the world through your senses and experience pleasure and pain. The body is the physical dwelling place of the other aspects of yourself. So through the voice, through gestures, and through the musculature of your body, you act out and manifest the thoughts of your intellect, the feelings of your emotional self, and the essence of your spiritual self. And also, whether you're conscious of that or not, your body holds the memory of everything that has ever happened to you; your body stores all that you've ever experienced inside. So turning into your body actually brings you into being present in your life. Compulsive posturing, compulsive gesturing, or even ways of walking and moving—maybe your shoulders are always tense, um, the tone in your voice is also could be a pattern of the body. And then there are physical symptoms of unresolved internal conflicts and stress, so chronic tension, chronic illness, headaches and pains are all patterns of the body. And then past traumas, large or small, are held in the body; it may lead to disconnecting from your body or feeling or wanting to run away or to freeze or to fight or to feel numb.
So then we have our spiritual self, and this, this is your pattern-free essence of yourself that is always present. Your spiritual self is a source of your intuition, your inner wisdom, your deep presence, connecting to something greater. Your spiritual self lies in the presence and flows authentically in each moment, rather than strategizing about your life. Your spiritual self is always present as the voice of knowing or intuition or an unshakable sense of self. This is not a floaty, airy being; this is you, fully alive, embodied, and trusting in your own moment-by-moment expression. We use the word spiritual self to signify the aspect, but feel free to use your own words that work best for you. So, for example, my knowing self or my true self or my intuiting self. Has nothing to do with any religion; it refers only to the aspect of you that's all-knowing and loving. It's uniquely you; it's your spiritual self.
So I want to give you an experience of your Quadrinity to help you ground in this concept and to learn this tool so that you can use it for personal support as you await your process, and we call this a the Quadrinity check-in. It's a visualization, and in this visualization I'm going to walk you through all four aspects. So as I do, just notice what's happening for you as best as you can without judgment, just awareness. And remember, there's nothing wrong with you, no matter what your experience is. The Quadrinity check-in is simply an opportunity to pay kind attention to what's going on inside you. So begin by finding a comfortable position in your chair, uh, maybe even gently close your eyes, and just take a deep breath, and then take another deep breath, and just become aware of your breathing. And imagine turning your attention to your intellect. Imagine your intellect dressed as you are today, looking as you do right now, and imagine your intellect standing before you, and get a sense, get a look, a feel, and the presence of your intellect. This is the aspect of you who works very hard, thinking, planning, doing, learning, trying to get by in life, being good enough. Notice the quality of your intellect in this moment, meaning is it anxious, or maybe it's worried, or spaced out, distracted, restless, bored, maybe it's judging and being critical; notice any reoccurring thoughts and opinions that are grabbing your intellect's attention, and just notice whatever may be going on in your mind right now. You don't try to change it; just simply bring your awareness to your intellect. And now ask your intellect, "What do you need from me today? How can I best support you?" And just listen for an answer, fully accept and trust whatever comes. It may be something like just being heard, from you. And your intellect does so much for you in this moment; just give some loving appreciation to your intellect. Now turn your attention to your emotional self, and imagine your emotional self as a much younger version of you, a child about five, six, seven, eight years old, and allow yourself to feel or sense this aspect of you, and see your emotional child standing before you. You might get a visual image or experience a felt sense, a simple knowing; just trust whatever arises. This tender aspect of you has a lot of feelings; what do you notice about your emotional child feeling?
Your child is happy and playful. Maybe it's sad and frightened, maybe confused or angry. There are so many feelings it could be feeling right now. It's okay if there's more than just one. Allow yourself to tune into how this little one is feeling right now; how it felt being a member of your family. You might notice your child may or may not feel loved or deserving of love. Maybe it needs to be the hero or the clown or the outcast to play its role in the family. Just simply notice whatever is there. And you may also be aware that your child's been a source of sweetness and joy, connection, and creativity for you. Allow yourself to be present to this aspect as best as you can, with no judgment, and ask your emotional child, "What do you need from me today? How can I best nourish you?" It might be something as simple as just a hug.
Your emotional self brings so much experience to your life, so bring some loving appreciation to your emotional self. And now become aware of your body. Let it settle in its own natural rhythm of breathing. Mentally scan your body and notice, without the need to change anything, the sensations you're experiencing. You may notice that places are tense or relaxed. Maybe notice tingling in places that feel numb or blank, or warm or cold. Just simply notice; don't try to force it. Notice what you smell in the moment. Notice what you hear. Where do you feel contact with the chair or surface you're sitting on? Notice where the contact is harder or softer, and where do you feel weight in your body, lightness in your body. Just notice. Your body has been carrying a lot for so long, so many years. Our bodies carry patterns and conflicts and repressed feelings, maybe even a lot of criticism. Your body may feel neglected, overworked. So, in this moment, tune in to what your body has lived with and ask your body, "What do you need from me today? How can I best nourish and support you?" And just listen and trust what your body is telling you.
Take a few moments now to send some loving appreciation to your body for all that it has carried and lived through, and acknowledge the strength, the resilience of your body. Recognize that your body holds a vast array of information and wisdom. And now turn your awareness to your spiritual self, your essence, your true authentic self. And see your spiritual self standing before you. You may have to use your imagination, and you might imagine yourself at your best: connected, loving, powerful. This is you at your most authentic, honest, open self, present and real. Notice what your spiritual self looks like—which is you—and just trust what arises and notice the qualities of your spiritual self. For example, maybe you're loving and patient and humorous. Now ask your spiritual self for a message of guidance for you. This is your intuition, your own inner wisdom. It may come in words or an image, maybe a color or felt sense. Just trust whatever comes, however it comes. The message may come in a very subtle way; may not be coming like anything you expect, but simply trust what comes. And now take a moment to appreciate this wise aspect of you for the many ways that it supports you and guides you in your life.
And now take a deep breath and gently bring your awareness back into your body, being supported by the Earth as you take another deep cleansing breath. Tune into your body sensations and just notice what you're experiencing and tune into what you're feeling in this moment, and just find a word or two for it. Staying present to your inner state, slowly open your eyes as you become present to the room around you. So now, in your workbook, turn to pages 9 and 10 and your handout, and just write about your experience of the Quad check. You can press pause and come back when you're ready.
So, in closing, to deepen your connection to yourself, to support yourself, and to grow your awareness as you wait for your process to begin, we suggest you use the quad check visualization. So for those of you on Instagram, a Hoffman teacher leads a version of this every day at 8:00 a.m. Pacific Standard Time, and the recordings are also left on the site, which can be watched at any time. So take a look for us at Hoffman Process on IG, or you can always go to our website and use a link and scroll down to the audio section for the Quadrinity Check-in under HoffmanInstitute.org/tools. So these two resources are noted in your handout, so you can always please check back with these and practice them before you attend. And you may notice more and more awareness of your patterns in relationship to yourself and others as you go forward from this web class. So be gentle, notice the patterns that come up, no judgment, just noticing, and use your awareness to add to your pre-process assignment. And remember, we all have patterns; there's nothing wrong with you for having them. Awareness is simply the first step to transformation, and you are now in the first phase of the cycle of transformation information. So congratulations! You are deepening your awareness and your growth, and by embarking on this work, you're now taking the steps to transform your life. So just take a moment now to give yourself some appreciation for showing up and for doing this work for yourself.
If you have any further questions, please contact our enrollment team at 415-485-5220 or email enrollment@hoffmaninstitute.org. Thank you so much, and we look forward to seeing you soon.