Transcription
So I was once brought in to work with a politician, quite a senior one actually, to help him come across with more authority and more gravitas in meetings with international heads of state.
So he arrived with an air of forced warmth, big grin, firm handshake, way too much eye contact. He insisted everyone loved him and was convinced he came across as relatable, charming, and commanding. In reality, he came across as slightly too needy and desperate to be liked.
And the thing is, in those rooms with heads of state, billionaires, and people who are around real authority, you can't fake it. They can smell when someone's performing. And when they smell it, they go in for the kill. He thought he was radiating confidence. What they saw was a man trying to prove he belonged there and acting like a clown.
High net worth individuals view over performance as insecurity. The people they respect never perform confidence. They simply have it. So in this video, I'm going to show you the difference so that you can show real authority and avoid the mistake that this particular man made in that room.
We all know the tryard. They exaggerate enthusiasm saying things like "absolutely fantastic," "truly excited to be here." Or they overuse courtesy with lines such as, "It's an absolute honor. Thank you so much." To them, it feels like confidence.
Anyone who needs to perform confidence has already admitted they don't hold it. And this is known as impression management. This is the attempt to control how we're perceived. So psychologists such as Balmeister find that when people fear social rejection, they exaggerate their behavior in an effort to secure approval before it can be denied. That's what overperformance really is. It's a preemptive defense.
The limbic system reads status as safety. So when status feels uncertain, the brain's threat detection circuits, particularly the amygdala, push us to perform. And this can manifest as louder greetings, bigger gestures, or an exaggerated tone.
High net worth clients on boards hire me to observe highle sales negotiations because it gives them a behavioral advantage. A wealth manager was meeting a very long-term client and his two adult children, and he came in full of energy, talking about past deals and how excited he was for the next phase. It was way too much. The father was polite, but when they left, he said to me quietly, "You know, he tries too hard. I don't trust people who need to be liked that much."
I don't teach people how to act confident. I teach them to notice when they're performing fear. So, here's how I train clients to remove performance habits.
Step one is observation. So, I record or watch them in conversation. They always think they look naturally confident until they see it.
Then step two is something we call stripping. We take everything off the table. No smiles, no gesturing, no filler words. So I make them deliver the same point as flatly and briefly as possible. From there we can actually rebuild what's real and start to add natural confidence and authority.
And step three is collaboration. So we add back in warmth through timing and attention rather than through volume or grinning. We use slower tempo, shorter answers, smaller movements, and we test it under pressure until the performance disappears and what's left is authoritative composure.
The thing is, social media has turned performance into a personality. Most of what's presented as confidence online simply masks insecurity. High net worth clients see that instantly. They don't need to be impressed. They need to see control.
Real confidence isn't a performance at all. It's the absence of one.