Transcription
Hey y'all, welcome in or welcome back to a new video. Today we're talking all about emotional spending.
Now, in my conscious consumer journey, emotional spending has played a really large role, and one of the larger and more difficult habits for me to change personally. Today, I'm going to be talking about how I changed this particular habit. I'm going to share with you the strategy that I used and my overall experience.
So, we're first going to kind of talk about emotional spending more generally, and then I'm going to share this kind of like two-pronged approach and also provide some questions to help you develop your own approach, or maybe I would say more like think about how this might apply to your life. Now, because we're talking about emotional spending, which is a coping mechanism, there's two notes I have to make.
Number one, your mental health may be involved or intertwined with your coping mechanism. Proceed with caution through this video, and ultimately, in many cases, a mental health professional is going to be your best resource, your best place to turn if you need help.
Number two, because we are talking about coping mechanisms, which, you know, affect mental health, I'm going to be heavily relying on articles and resources from professionals so you get that firsthand, um, knowledge. For me personally, what has made emotional spending a particularly difficult habit to change is that coping mechanisms are, they are habits, but they are a stress response. So, it's a habit that we do when we are stressed, and when we're stressed, we're in particularly vulnerable places, and also we can be like more emotional and also less, less logical. So, I could be excellent with the budget and with rules, but when I was stressed, it became increasingly difficult to stick to those things because I would want to shop, I would want that outlet, and all of that logic and that reasoning can go out the window. You often can't logic with your coping mechanism, and your stress response just doesn't go away because you want it to. So, when it comes to changing these things, you often have to come in with some pre-planning and with some strategies to try for when you need them.
This is what bothers me about kind of discussions about shopping habits, no bias, conscious consumerism, is that a lot of folks just talk about willpower their way through things. You know, like, if you can't stick to your Noby, you're not trying hard enough, or you don't want it enough, or people who say, "Yeah, anybody can do a Noby." Like, yes, you can do it. Absolutely. Coping mechanisms are ingrained responses that we have spent years building up and practicing. It's not as simple as, "I'm not going to do it anymore," or "just don't do it." I think a lot of people would have changed many of their habits, not just shopping, if it was truly that simple.
I do want to touch on impulse shopping a little bit because people talk about impulse shopping in similar ways, as in, like, there is one way to impulse shop, or they treat impulse shopping as one individual, which is not true. Impulse shopping is a habit, but there are many ways that we can practice that habit in our daily lives. One person can have many ways or triggers for impulse shopping. They have an emotional or stress response. Number two, they have poor impulse control, or it's just, you know, straight-up impulsivity. Number three, they're not used to telling themselves no, so they don't tell themselves no. Number four, they're shopping with others and feel pressured. Number five, efficient marketing. I, I mean, I could go on. For me, as an example, I impulse shopped when I was emotionally spending, but I also impulse shopped because I wasn't critically thinking and I chose not to. I also impulse shopped because I didn't say no ever, and it was just, that was a large behavior that I was just always saying, "Yeah, okay, I want something, I'm going to buy it." All of these things are ways that I have impulse shopped. Maybe you have to, and just, and one solution isn't going to work for all of these ways in which we impulse shop.
All right, so how did I change my habit? And I used two things in combination that were greatly effective. Number one, I developed a warning light protocol. And the point of this was to help to get me to a place where I wouldn't need the coping mechanism, or I was able to catch myself early enough where I wasn't in that, like, stress response place. And then number two, I swapped my behavior and the coping mechanism with something that is a healthier alternative, but in the same style that I already use. So, I'll explain both of these things.
I think about warning lights in a similar way to how we use them on cars. When a warning light comes on, let's say, like, your gas symbol on your car, you don't need to take immediate action. Like, if you drive another 5, 10 kilometers, you're going to be fine. But if you don't fill up, you will eventually run out of gas, like, period. And so, there's a finite amount of time that you have to take an action. But ultimately, it's a warning light, or it's an indicator that something is coming. Warning light system is ultimately an indicator.
Emotional spending was such a tough hurdle for me to deal with because when I got into an emotional state, I often didn't care about money. My judgment would be clouded, which is not a great place to be in. I would be down on myself, and I would make poor choices. Warning lights are signs and signals that indicate such a moment is coming. Some examples of my warning lights are things like with drying, using, or wanting to use Poshmark, wanting to lie in bed anytime that's not actually bedtime, feeling easily irritated, willing or interested in spending large amounts of money, feeling like I want to cry without any reason, prone to negative thoughts or self-talk, obsessive behavior. There are some that appear earlier on than others.
If we think of about the, like, mental space in which I would need a coping mechanism, if we think about, like, worst case on a scale that would be 10, and then one would be, I don't need anything, like, I'm great, I'm happy, nothing's wrong. Some of these would appear maybe at a four, others might appear at, like, a six, seven, eight. You get the picture. If you're able to spot your warning lights, then you'll be able to redirect your behavior during a time frame when it's the easiest, or easier to do so. So, changing your behavior or altering your course is way more difficult at a 10 than it is at an eight or a four.
So, the first goal is to learn your warning lights. So, I needed to learn, and you would need to learn, two major things. So, you need to learn two major things: what triggers you, and what you do when you get triggered. You can think back to a time when you were last in, you know, a coping mechanism position, or you can ask, like, friends or family to give you some feedback as to what you were like. My partner was actually super helpful in helping me kind of suss out my list, um, because he did notice some behaviors that I didn't, or he was able to notice when some appear, um, like I thought maybe they would be like a nine or a 10, but he was able to help me kind of, um, clarify my skill. You can also think back to your last spending episode or something that might have been like an iconic one. You know, for me, Black Friday 2019. There was also a moment in 2021, and then, uh, also fall 2022. You know, you can think about those moments and consider, how did you feel? What did you do? You know, what emotions or thoughts were you experiencing during that time? You know, what, what outlets did you go to when you were having a rough day or week? Be as specific as you can. Was it drinking, or was it going to this specific pub after your boss yelled at you at work to drink alone? Because our coping mechanisms are developed over a long period of time, they are, they, they tend to fall into patterns or become predictable. They can evolve over time, like mine was online shopping for a long time, and it just, it morphed over the last, like, four years into Poshmark, in specific. If something makes us feel good, then we're likely to repeat that behavior.
Some more questions to ask yourself are on the screen: How did you feel in the lead-up? Were you frustrated? Sad? What did you do? Sometimes it's specific situations or emotions that lead us to our coping mechanisms. What were the early signs or signals that appeared before you engaged in your behavior? So, if you know your behavior is shopping, you know, you can, you can consider what kind of shopping, where, when, all of that. And then what happened right, right before you did that shopping?
So, of course, the ultimate goal is course correction, right? We want to figure out these signs and signals, not for the sake of it, but so we can alter our behavior. And now we're going to talk about redirecting behavior. My ultimate suggestion is to come up with a set of tools and resources that are at your fingertips that you can use when your next warning light situation comes up. So, I mean, like, really easily accessible. I used to have one on my fridge, um, not necessary for me anymore, and I still have one kind of in a Notion folder hanging out. I used the Notion actually back in 2021 in the first iteration of this, but it wasn't immediate enough, and I would forget at some points, like, when I really needed it, that it existed. So, I put it on the fridge for a while, which was excellent, and it has since gone back to Notion, and that has been working fine.
So, your, your list is primarily going to be comprised of behaviors or like activities that you can do to help mitigate your behavior. Your list should largely be comprised of activities that match your coping style, but also, um, even basic reminders can be very helpful. I have online, I do have some reminders, which I'll get into in just a second, but I also have a couple of worksheets that are in there. Things like thoughts, feeling, actions worksheets, or like, uh, cognitive reframing, or like, thought reframing, um, automatic thoughts, kind of challenging those. Each one takes about two to five minutes to fill out, to fill out, and I don't do all of them. It just kind of depends on what I need in the moment. It's also helpful to consider what kind of course correction is necessary. Like, is this a five-star, like, five-alarm emergency, or is this like a one-star, maybe you're feeling a little antsy kind of thing? Most of the time, when I reach for this worksheet, when I reach for my toolkit, I'm not in zone one, antsy, a little irritable zone. I'm normally a little bit farther up.
So, I think what is also helpful is to, like, find a, a way to be able to rate yourself emotionally, um, or like, rate your stress level. For about three months, I rated my emotions and my stress levels, like, every day, sometimes multiple times a day if there was, like, a distinct change in levels, to help me become acquainted with, like, what is my baseline, and then, like, what does stress look like and feel like. I think this is a good activity to do, um, maybe if you want to help with, like, your signs and signals. You could try that. This data that I collected over many weeks, it wasn't from 2023, it was from earlier, and I did actually use it to help me consider not just, like, my rating system, but also help me think about, like, what stress looks like for me and how I act leading up to using a coping mechanism.
So, the point of developing the warning lights is to course correct as early as possible. However, the course correction that you use, or the strategies, I should say, that you use, or I used, are largely dependent on the coping style. So, the kinds of things that you're going to use are going to be determined by the coping style. So, we're going to talk about these different styles now.
So, I'm, so the examples I'm about to include are not from me or me speculating about what's unhealthy or healthy. The examples that I use come straight from my sources. I want to clarify. So, the four main types are problem-focused, emotion-focused, social-focused, and meaning-focused.
So, let's talk about the coping styles. Number one is problem-focused. So, this style, um, actively addresses the source of stress or problem to find a solution. People who use this style, um, seek to change the situation or the response to it. So, they may analyze the problem, make a plan, and take direct action to resolve this issue. This style is effective when the stress is controllable and requires problem-solving. However, this style can also hyperfocus on problems. Unhealthy examples include overanalyzing and rumination. Healthy examples include brainstorming alternative solutions.
Number two is emotion-focused coping. So, this style involves managing or regulating emotional distress caused by a stressful situation. Instead of directly addressing the problem, those using this style focus on regulating their emotional response. They may seek emotional support from others, engage relaxation techniques, or use distraction methods to alleviate their emotional distress. Unhealthy examples include busyness, bottling things up, toxic positivity. Healthy examples include journaling, cognitive reframing, positive thinking, breathing, or grounding. According to Vander Brandt, at emotion-focused coping strategies reduce the negative emotions associated with the stressor in the short term, but may prevent one from performing a suitable action to address the problem. Emotion-focused coping strategies may therefore impair one's well-being.
Social coping involves seeking advice or, um, assistance, support when dealing with a stressor. So, these styles include talking to friends, family, or professionals to share feelings, gain perspective, or receive help. Uh, this job can be effective for emotional support and problem-solving, and often involves seeking input from those you trust. Unhealthy examples include isolating or venting. Vendor brand at all also argues or extends their view, um, that I was mentioning before, like the emotional styles, to venting because it helps you blow off steam initially, but does nothing to actually address the problem. Healthy examples include talking to a friend, partner, or colleague, booking an appointment with your therapist.
Number four is meaning-focused. So, this is the type of coping style that involves seeking to find purpose, significance, and a sense of meaning in the face of challenging or distressing situations. Rather than directly addressing the problem or solely managing emotions, people who use meaning-focused coping aim to understand the broader significance of their experience. This style is most effective when you can't control a situation or an outcome. Unhealthy examples include overthinking, rationalizing, or intellectualizing. Healthy examples include looking for the good or silver lining in a bad or difficult situation.
Some scholars like Myerson at all and Pang and Thomas, they will, they articulate a fifth style, which they call avoidant. Avoidant-focused. Many authors and researchers adhere to this four-style framework because they argue that the other styles encapsulate the avoidance, particularly the emotion-focused style. However, how and why people avoid it matters. I'm going to talk about the fifth style now, um, because it might appeal to you more than the others.
So, avoidant coping involves efforts to ignore, deny, or avoid a stressor. This coping style typically includes methods of distraction, as well as disassociating or withdrawing from a situation. While avoiding coping usually provides temporary relief, it often leads to long-term negative consequences and is generally considered less adaptive. Unhealthy examples include substance abuse, smoking, impulsive spending, overeating, excessive screen time, and procrastination. Healthy examples include what they dub a controlled distraction. So, this can be things like TV, YouTube, reading, walking, painting. But the ultimate thing that makes this healthy is the controlled part.
Now, these authors have included impulsive spending, slovers spending in this avoidant style. And what style you have, or like, what combination you have, is of course going to depend on your circumstance and also, like, why or what you are avoiding. So, I think if you are part of this, like, avoidance strategy, like these authors are saying, there's probably a mix of styles involved. Avoidance strategies can be particularly destructive if we do not tackle the emotional component. Like, when it comes to stress, you have, like, the actual response, but most stress does come with an emotional component. And all of these other strategies provide outlets for dealing with the emotional component, right? Like, you could talk to a friend, or you could journal about it, or you could do some cognitive reframing. All of, all of those would be strategies for dealing with the, you know, the feelings and the emotions of the stress. But if you do nothing and you just avoid, even if you have a controlled distraction, or a healthier distraction, or you're not harming yourself financially, physically, or mentally, you know, with your change in choice. So, let's say you were overspending and you changed that to painting, or I don't know, going for a walk. That might be a healthier alternative in some respects, but if you don't deal with the emotional component, then you're not getting that full resolution. So, dealing with the emotions is a pivotal part of all stress response that I think that's the part that people tend to leave out. So, how you deal with that, um, is going to be up to you.
I personally resonated with that fifth strategy, as well as the emotion coping, because for me, those two things were together. So, when I was doing my own research for this, I found it helpful to do a controlled distraction at first, and then come back to have that emotional resolution. And this research really just confirmed to me the absolute necessity about dealing with the emotions, and also why, like, during my Noby year and kind of after, I was kind of dealing with these emotional consequences of stuff from the past because there was, if you just, like, distracting yourself and distracting yourself and distracting yourself for years, there's, like, a lot of pent-up emotional baggage, if you will, that just kind of, those unaddressed.
So, to go back to the toolkit, this is the place where I listed my strategies, and I had strategies ready. I mentioned already that I was that I resonated with the avoidant coping. So, I found ways to have controlled distractions that were healthier alternatives. So, not only did I give myself alternatives, but I prepared my alternative to the best of my ability to give myself the greatest chance of success. So, I didn't just, like, list watches, show. I listed particular shows, movies, and episodes, even of those favorite things. And I even, for a while, had a couple of categories, like, if you're feeling really sad, here, if you're feeling really angry, maybe try this. And I had different kinds of techniques. And as I was able to try them out, I had direct links were necessary, so I could just, like, click on them, which is, like, the great thing about Notion is that I could click right through to what I wanted. But I was also able to iterate and I left some notes about, like, what was working and what wasn't.
One thing that I noticed about myself that I mentioned at the top of the video is that one of my signs, morning lights, was obsessive behavior. And I tended to lean in to obsessive behavior, or I would obsess over something while I was in the most vulnerable, vulnerable stage. So, during my most infamous spending moment, um, I was on Poshmark for probably, like, four to five hours a day, if not longer, for multiple days. You know, I racked up over 20 hours on Poshmark in less than a week. And as I iterated through my strategies, I learned that I could lean into the obsessive behavior in a healthy way. And give you an example, I did try strategies like painting, journaling, and, um, going for walks. Those weren't my best strategies because I found it difficult to go out for a walk when I wasn't feeling like it. It worked some time, but wasn't something that I could hold on to concretely. Kind of similar to painting, I needed something, or I guess I learned I needed something that I could do anywhere, as in, like, I didn't have to move from whatever position I was in in order to do that thing. So, if I was at my desk, couch, bed, whatever, I found reading to be like the, the thing. So, it wasn't just like reading generally. I liked big books and series because it was a controlled distraction, but I was also able to kind of get that obsessive element in there, like I did with Poshmark, and it kind of worked swimmingly.
I also loved reading because it gave me an in to deal with the emotional side of things that I had, like, historically avoided. And I would use reading as a way in to thinking about the emotions or whatever I was avoiding. I would start with, like, journaling about the characters in the books, and sometimes I would get to the emotional situation just by thinking about that. Other times, it would just be, I was reading to avoid this, and then, you know, after journaling about the book that I was already interested in and enjoying, I would be journaling for 10, 15, 20 minutes, whatever it was. So, I'm like, easing my way in, having a good time, and then it kind of, it gave me that space and that time to eventually, like, feel comfortable enough to think about or journal about what I wanted to.
The last thing in terms of the toolkit are if-then statements. So, I used if-then statements specifically for, like, the warning lights protocol. So, if this situation arises, then I'll do this. So, as an example, if I feel myself withdrawing, then I'll, let me fill in the blank, then I'll reach out to my partner, then I'll call my sister, then I'll journal. The point of applying if-then statements in the warning lights phase is to give you an actual tangible, actionable solution to a warning light. You so you can create one for each. So, if, if I find myself on Poshmark, then I'll, if I find myself feeling down, then I'll. I did find this helpful initially because your warning lights are a constellation. You don't always feel the exact same warning lights in the exact same way. You might feel one, or you might not notice them until you've reached, let's say, four out of your 10, or however many. And you might also find some warning lights more actionable or easier to action than others. So, giving yourself some options is excellent.
So, to conclude, the warning lights make creating action will change, um, the easiest that you can by doing it at the most opportune time, or at a time where you are at the easiest place to do so. Might not be easy, but in the most opportune moment. And then the actions to take are those that are in line with your coping style.
All right, so as we conclude, if you're somebody who is actively trying to change your own coping mechanisms, or you know, trying to stop emotional spending, I do just want to remind you, this takes time. It takes time to change your habits. It takes time to change your coping mechanisms, and also find combinations of stuff that works. You're going to have to probably do a lot of iterating and learning and, like, listening to yourself. That's okay, because there is some combination out there that will work for you, and the more that you can learn about yourself, the more, you know, intimate the knowledge that you can gain about yourself, the more successful that you'll be.
All right, y'all, that's it for me today. Thanks so much for watching, hanging out. Love if you'd subscribe to catch more content like this. We have more great content coming your way into January, and I hope you'll stick around and I hope to see you again around here soon. Bye.