Transcription
Now I will tell you about 10 tough life rules that usually no one wants to hear. And people don't want to hear them not for no reason, but because these rules shatter the illusions we are used to believing in. Many people walk around with rose-tinted glasses and absolutely do not want to part with them. But if today you look at the world from a new angle, I assure you that you will become much stronger as a person. My name is Daria Kist. I am a psychologist and researcher. I run my private practice. And let's begin. Rule number one: nobody cares about you. I am a psychologist in the cognitive-behavioral approach. This means that my passion, what I study, is people's thinking, their beliefs, their attitudes. And I perfectly understand and know what people actually think about. They always think only about themselves. It seems to us that we enter some room, and the gazes of strangers are fixed on us. They evaluate how we look, what we are wearing, how much this clothing costs, and so on. But in reality, my friends, no one thinks about you, no one thinks about me, no one thinks about us. People always think only about themselves. Even if you enter this room, a person is not thinking about what you are wearing, but he is thinking about how he looks against your background. That is, in the end, a person is always obsessed only with thoughts about himself, and you are just a background and a reason why certain thoughts arise in his head. People for the most part are concerned only with themselves, their thoughts, their feelings, their experiences. If we were to put on an invisibility cloak and could sit down with any company in a bar and listen to their dialogue or their communication, we would notice that this communication is more likely to resemble a monologue. And everyone in this company is just waiting for their turn, as if, when they can talk about what happened to them. Yes, sometimes out of politeness or to clarify details, people ask some questions, but in reality, when they listen to someone else's story, even at that moment they are not thinking about other people, but about themselves. About how this story could have been in my life, about how I would have acted in this situation, about how good it is that this did not happen to me. This is not some kind of coldness or pragmatism or shallow friendship. This is a property of our consciousness that any information that enters our head is always interpreted through our self. If you are lucky and at least one person has appeared in your life who sincerely asks you questions about your life, cherish them as a gift of fate, because in 99% of cases people are concerned only with themselves and don't even really want to listen deeply to your story. Well, and an important conclusion from all this is that you can stop thinking about what other people think of you, because even when you are telling something, they are still thinking about themselves. Rule number two: the best time is now. It seems to me that now, in the 21st century, people are masters of procrastination. We invented January 1st, from which we start a new life. We invented birthdays for ourselves, when we start a new life. We invented Mondays for ourselves and the mythical tomorrow. And it seems that some day must come, and we, like Moses, yes, will stand before the sea, it will part in two directions like this, and we will go towards our goal. All resistance, all sorts of difficulties and hardships will disappear, and all the knowledge, all the competencies that we need to achieve this goal will descend upon us like manna from heaven. My friends, it is difficult to imagine a greater deception. Any delay in starting, no matter what sauce you serve it with, is simply an excuse for fear. That is, you are afraid of something, you are worried about something, most likely that you will fail, that you will mess up, that someone will laugh at you, that you will invest now and ultimately lose everything. Some of these fears always guide a person when they postpone. We trust this fear so much that we are willing to give our entire lives to it. We look with our inner vision at this future that is supposed to happen. But I personally have never seen this future in my life. Every time I wake up to tomorrow, to the day after tomorrow, I wake up again now. I wake up again today. And this is an important truth that everyone should note for themselves: there is no past and future. There is only the moment here and now. And if there is only the moment here and now, then it is the best time to start what you have been postponing for a long time. Thought number three: uncertainty is normal. I know that many people strive for stability. Mmm, for example, my grandmother, my parents, they strived for stability all their lives. They created some stable assets, for example, acquired real estate, acquired dachas, cars in order to create some constant, some permanent in their lives, as if to fix themselves in some place. The younger generation, people my age and younger, are still looking for such constants in their lives. Someone is looking for a life's work that they can do their whole life. Someone is looking for a partner with whom they can build a relationship for their whole life. That is, one way or another, the theme of stability is relevant for each of us. But the problem is that we are trying to build this stability anyway against a backdrop of instability. And the last 5 years, in my opinion, are simply a collective lesson that shows us that tell God about your plans, and he will show you what will actually happen. People who focus on control, who try to control and plan every step of their future, ultimately come to frustration and pain, because life is a much more complex system than what you see. Millions of factors at every moment, every second influence how the next moment will unfold. And predicting everything is simply impossible. Therefore, the best thing you can do for yourself is to develop resilience to instability. You must learn to live in chaos. You must learn to systematize this chaos. And if, all of a sudden, you wake up the next day and everything has fallen apart again, you need to be able to put it all in order while maintaining inner peace. A person who learns to be calm in chaos, that will be a truly strong person who will achieve success in any field they undertake. Rule number four: there will never be ease. Even now, adults, conscious people who have achieved career and financial success come to me for consultations, and they say that they want to switch to some mode of ease. But, my friends, there will never be ease. If you go through life and year after year you don't feel any internal creative discomfort, it means that you are simply walking along roads that are already well known to you. This place is also called the comfort zone. So, in order to grow and move forward, you still need this very creative discomfort. You will in any case overcome the gravity of life, move forward. The other thing is that in our mentality, it is arranged in such a way that there are those who live in ease and do nothing with their lives for years, yes, show no initiative. And there are those who simply burn out every day, who work at maximum overloads and who constantly go to a psychotherapist to heal their wounds. So, my friends, between these two poles, there is an adequate middle ground. It consists in setting goals for yourself and even throwing yourself challenges that cause about 5-10% stress. That is, there is no ease if you want to grow. You will still have to overcome the gravity of life, overcome creative discomfort. And a person who learns to overcome creative discomfort, that is, to continue doing, despite the fact that you are not succeeding, the results do not match what you wanted, what you dreamed of, if you continue to do it anyway, this person will achieve the greatest success in life. I know this well, because I run this YouTube channel through creative discomfort. Yes, I like it, and many say that I have well-articulated speech and I am pleasant to listen to. My friends, every video is a creative discomfort. Even sitting on this chair now is not very comfortable, because my back is leaning on hard cushions, I cannot fully relax. This is also a creative discomfort, a physical discomfort that I am overcoming now so that this video is released and you see it. Therefore, I do not believe in all this ease. And I believe that the faster a person understands that the key is not to build their life and live in ease, but to learn to be comfortable in discomfort, that's where the real key lies. If you want to consciously manage your life, manage your thoughts, your feelings, and choose actions that lead you forward, I invite you to my therapeutic group, which starts in September 2025. This group will last 10 weeks, and this time is enough to systematically understand your personality. Every week we meet for 2.5-hour sessions, where 30% is theory and 70% is practice. Most of my students easily resolve the issues they come with in the first month of working in the group. The selection for it is strictly individual. You can only get into it after an individual call with me. Therefore, if you want to join, I will leave the link in the description. Rule number five: emotions are solely your responsibility. Yes, you can be offended, provoked, you can be angered. Very often, when we find ourselves in such situations, it seems to us that the problem is not with us, but with the other person. And the problem, and it can indeed be with the other person, but the reaction that we give is always on our territory. That is, it is always our responsibility. If you were offended and after that, yes, there are snot, tears, saliva, and you never want to communicate with this person again and cross them out of your life. If someone angered you, and your fist is already bleeding from hitting the person back and, as it were, standing up for yourself. If such reactions are characteristic of you, yes, lightning-fast, sharp, inconsistent, then it means that you are a consequence of your emotions. Being a consequence of your emotions is very dangerous, because people make most of their mistakes in life on emotions. Recall the last mistakes you made. Many of them were most likely made on emotions, because you did not digitize them in time, did not realize them, and did not choose any behavior. Realize that between every emotion and behavior there is a small gap. And in this gap, there is a choice. And this choice is completely controlled by you. Other people can, in essence, hook you onto some hooks, evoke different mixed feelings in you. But what reaction to give to this is entirely your responsibility, and this is worth acknowledging. So, if there are people around you who constantly provoke you, tease you, do not rush to get rid of them. On the contrary, use this experience to get to know yourself better and work through those emotions that are currently uncontrollable. Rule number six: no one is obliged to love you. Recently, at one of the trainings I attended, our trainer said that you can control absolutely everything in your life. I completely disagree with that. Well, for example, look, I cannot control which fruits I will love and which ones I won't. I really love peaches. All other fruits can be canceled, only peaches can be left. In principle, I will be 100% happy. But there are a huge number of people who hate peaches, who cannot stand them in any form. The same is true in this life, you understand? Sometimes you meet some people, and you don't know in advance whom you will love. You can even make some effort, convince yourself to love someone, but it won't work. You never know what and whom you will love, and who will be unpleasant to you. The same rule applies to us, you know, unfortunately, but you have to admit the fact that sometimes even our relatives and closest people may not love us. It's unclear why. Simply because it turned out that way. Because they didn't have some emotional resonance, and these people simply don't love us. Similarly, we can be completely indifferent to some of our loved ones, even though it seems like we should feel love and some emotions towards them. But, unfortunately, the world works the way it works. And we never know what we will love, whom we will love, and when it will happen. The truth is that even loved ones are not obliged to feel warmth towards you. What can we say about those people who see you for the first time, for example, on the internet. Nevertheless, love cannot be earned by good behavior, self-sacrifice, or any merits. It just appears. Therefore, if love has happened in your life, and it can be friendly love, it can be romantic love, it can be love for a relative, cherish it and treat it as a gift of fate. And remember that when you are given a gift, you owe nothing in return. The next rule, and this is my favorite rule, and it sounds like this: the only person with whom you will spend your whole life is you. Colleagues, business partners, employees, who right now seem like very important people to you, and most likely in 5 years will not participate in your life at all. Relatives, parents, grandmothers, husbands, wives, children are also people who come into your life temporarily, unfortunately or fortunately. The only person with whom you will be from birth to death is you. You must agree, with such a view of this issue, it is completely illogical, sad, and wrong to be yourself in a bad relationship. You will be the person with whom you will die. As scary as it may be to realize today, you will be with yourself in the most difficult moments of life. Even if someone is physically with you, no one is closer to you than you are, inside your head. Therefore, I believe that the main goal of every person's life is to establish contact with themselves. There is nothing sadder than living in conflict with someone from whom you cannot escape. Therefore, right now, if you feel that you have an intrapersonal conflict, if you do not accept some parts of yourself, be sure to bring this to therapy, because the kingdom of God is within us, and it begins when we sincerely and wholeheartedly accept ourselves. Rule number eight: not everyone will be happy about your success. You know, in everyday psychology, there are two concepts: white envy and black envy. Black envy is when a person looks at your success and everything inside him itches, everything inside him burns, and he thinks: "This is unfair, why did you get all this, and I don't have it." And the person starts to go out of their mind. It often happens that a person who has achieved success starts to justify themselves to this person who experiences this black envy, starts to justify why they earned this money, why they hold this position, why they have a good husband or wife, good beautiful children, like from a mayonnaise commercial. This is absolutely unnecessary, because another person's feelings towards you have nothing to do with you. What a person experiences is their frame of reference. There is white envy, when a person looks at you and, you know, you reflect to them what they themselves forbid themselves. But in this case, they will still act more ecologically. They will still be uneasy about your success, but they will use you as a resource. Perhaps they will come to you for advice. Perhaps they will listen to your recommendations. Perhaps they will watch you carefully, and it will be uncomfortable for you. But if a person experiences white envy, it is absolutely safe for you. But remember that people who experience white envy very often try to cling to the person, to the object of their envy, in order to understand what exactly they are doing there to be in this state, in this position. In any case, remember that people are not obliged to be happy about your success. And even the closest people may not take seriously the achievements you have in life. Therefore, the best thing you can do is just forget about it and cultivate self-esteem in yourself. Self-esteem, I will say this in every video, is derived from the words "I evaluate myself." When I evaluate myself, I evaluate my successes, I evaluate my results, then a person begins a truly free life. Rule number nine, and this is very important for people who constantly take mentorships and online courses: you will never find yourself by using someone else's route. In my therapeutic practice, a large number of people come to me after they have invested 10-15 years of their lives in some goal, and in the end realized that this goal is not theirs. For example, their parents once told them that the coolest thing you can do in life is to build a legal practice. Or that every man must have a business. It must be a real male business. And people take these ideas, listen to someone else's routes, yes, someone else's step-by-step plans, and start to follow these step-by-step plans, investing real resources in them. And, most frighteningly, their own strength and time. But in the end, what made another person happy is not necessarily what will make you happy. Someone else's map will not show your way. Someone else's goal is not necessarily your goal. And you will have to go your own way through your own mistakes, through your own snot, tears, and so on. Of course, there is this phrase: a wise person learns from the mistakes of others, a smart person learns from their own mistakes, and a foolish person doesn't learn from their mistakes at all. And it would be good to be this very sage. But my practical life shows that sometimes you are in the position of a smart person and at least once you have to make a mistake, and sometimes you are in the position of a foolish person and you will have to make a mistake several times to understand some truth. Therefore, if you are now obsessed with someone else's instructions, just waiting for someone to come and tell you what to do, understand that this will not lead you anywhere. Even if this person comes and tells you what to do, you can invest a huge amount of your resources in a goal that was never yours. And in the end, you will face great disappointment. Rule number ten: focus on your strengths. Now it is often said that, yes, you need to work on your weaknesses, that, yes, you need to take some area that is weak in you and try to compensate for it, to retrain, to close something there. I propose a completely different approach. Strengthen what is strong. For example, I am just a tree in various financial matters. For me, for example, now submitting a tax declaration, yes, calculating some numbers. For me, this is simply a catastrophe. But I am very good at talking, and this is my natural skill that was given to me from birth. And I choose the following scheme for myself: for things that I cannot do, in which I have no predisposition at all, I give them to people who have a talent for it, and I myself do what I have a talent for. And this, uh, in general, I think, is a universal deal, because if every person developed according to their destiny, according to their talent, then our world would be much more beautiful and better. And there would be no such confusion that we have the most talented artists, accountants, or that accountants work, and people who actually should, I don't know, grow some plants, select some plants, and so on. In general, find your place, and your strengths will point you to your place, and invest in the development of your strengths. And your weaknesses can always be delegated, and you can always attract other people for whom solving this problem will be a joy. This was Daria Kist. Subscribe to the channel. See you in the next videos. And until we meet again. Bye. Yeah.