Transcription
Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Ron Sh. We got so much to talk about tonight. America [music] got sloppy at her birthday party. Trump learns just enough about soccer to cheat at it. And did you ever wish your toilet had AI? No. Well, tough is happening. So, let's get into the headlines. [cheering]
First off, how was everyone's Fourth of July weekend? >> Yeah. [cheering] Did you do all the normal stuff like barbecue or go to the beach or get married at Madison Square Garden? >> Well, I didn't do because it was a billion degrees outside. My AC was working harder than Grand Platinos's PR team. It was so hot my balls declared independence from my penis. But even with the heat, people managed to get outside and celebrate in ways that did not in any way feel like a metaphor for where America's at right now. [music] [cheering]
>> Again, that was not a metaphor for America [laughter] because that guy is completely okay. I mean, seriously, the skydiver is fine and actually fine. Not like Mitch McConnell fine. Just kidding. Mitch Mitch is doing great. He's doing great. [laughter] And uh he can't wait to get back. But you know who did not piss himself while flying through a sky this weekend? President Trump. He spent the holiday reflecting on why America is the hottest country in the world. We are the nation that dreamed and created the modern world and invented the light bulb, the telephone, the airplane, the assembly line, the television, the microchip, the personal computer, the internet, the GPS, the smartphone, and almost everything else that has ever been invented. We invented everything that's ever been invented and also everything that hasn't been invented yet. We also invented cuz I just invented the idea of inventing all your inventions. It's called [cheering] preinvention. [applause] And I just invented that word. We invented all that All right, Trump, give us another one. >> We invented it all. We charted the human genome to cure diseases. Wait, [laughter] what? What do you mean genome? Why? Why is he pronouncing it like it's an old school rapper? [laughter] My top three, Jay-Z, Jeezy, and Jome.
But Trump hasn't just been learning about the human genome. He's also been learning about the sport of sucker. Because America has been hosting the World Cup. YEAH. [applause] Very American to not cheer [laughter] the World Cup. And up to the last week, the US team was doing much better than expected in large part thanks to his leading scorer for Lauren Belogan. Nothing could stop this guy. I mean, nothing. One of the star players on the US men's soccer team getting hit with a red card and forced to skip next week's big game. >> Leading scorer Fowlerin Balagan given a red card for a hard foul. The highle penalty resulting in a player's immediate ejection from the current game and suspension from the very next game they play. >> Oh, what? You're going to give Logan a red card because it looks like maybe he snapped a guy's ankle in slow motion. Yo, everything looks worse in slow motion. You ever seen a guy get hit by a car in slow motion? It looks horrible. It looks like murder, but if you watch it in reverse, it looks like my car revived him. Anyway, for Lauren Belogan's getting a red card meant that he wasn't allowed to play the next game against Belgium. But you know what? That's what's beautiful about sports, okay? Not everything goes your way. What matters is how you rise to the occasion and dig deep to find a way to win. And that's exactly what America did. >> President Trump revealing he intervened, calling FIFA's president to protest Balgan's red card as unfair. >> FIFA now clearing the way for Balagan to play. Psyche. This is America, [applause and cheering] the the land of the Karen. [laughter] And when when life hands us lemons, we call life's manager and say, "Take these lemons back and let Bologan play." And of course, the rest of the world started complaining, say it wasn't fair, asking why President Trump gets to pull strings. Well, there's a good reason why. And I'm a person that loves sports and was a good athlete [laughter] and I understand sports really well. Really well. And that wasn't a foul. See, you heard it from him. You heard it from him. That wasn't a foul. President Trump understands sports. Okay. It's in his genome. It's deep. [applause] [cheering]
>> [applause] >> It's sports is deep in his da. >> So I think he knows what a red card is. I didn't know what the hell a red card was. When I found out I said, "You got to be kidding." Psych. This man didn't know what a red card is. But you know what he did know? How to get a guy a pardon. Yeah. And if you're thinking this is corrupt, well, yeah, it is because that's America's style of play. You think we're going to obey soccer rules? We don't even listen to the Geneva Convention. And there's something else about this case that's even more American. >> Balagan, who is this star player, is also a birthright citizen. He was born in New York, but he was only born in the US because his mother was denied the ability to fly home after being on vacation in the US because she was too pregnant to get on the plane. >> What a twist. Last week, Trump was at the Supreme Court trying to end everyone's birthright citizenship. This week, he personally intervened to protect one specific birthright citizen, previously known as a citizen. And you might think that's hypocritical, but real Americans know this is actually the most American immigration policy ever. Okay, the policy is this all immigrants conceptually, just not the specific immigrants we need to do the jobs we don't want to do, okay? Like picking crops or creating vaccines or playing soccer. And maybe you don't like that about America. And maybe you don't like how we bend the rules when it's in our interest or exploit all the advantages of immigrants while vilifying them. But that's what makes you guys haters on the sidelines while we stay winning.
>> And the dream is over for the team USA in the World Cup Monday night. They lost to Belgium by a final score of 4 to one. >> What the [cheering] four to one? Get the out of my country. All right. This is the worst thing a person pardoned by Trump has ever done. Four to one. [cheering] [applause] For those Americans watching at home who don't understand soccer, 4 to one is a humiliating score. Okay. The Belgians took the red card we canled and shoved it up our goal post. And if you don't think the Belgian players had that in mind when they took to the field against us, just look at how they celebrated afterwards. >> The Belgian players were doing the Trump YMCA dance to mock him. [applause] >> NO, NO, [cheering] NO. They're using our president's own JERKOFF DANCE AGAINST HIM. THEY'RE NOT EVEN GOOD AT IT. LOOK, the dicks are supposed TO BE UP HERE. THEY'RE UP HERE. THEY'RE NOT DOWN HERE. You guys look like idiots doing it like this. [laughter] But But Trump only has himself to blame because thanks to him, we went from being the heroes of our own Disney sports movie to being the villain in some weird European film. I mean, up until last week, America was the scrappy underdog again. But then Trump's intervention galvanized Belgium and the entire world to defeat Team USA for the integrity of the game. And just like everything else he tried to fix, he made it worse and ruined our reputation in the process. Before Trump, [applause] Before Trump, we were a shining eagle soaring through a sky. And now we're this. Oh that was a metaphor. All right. Well,