Transcription
Hey everybody. This Sunday, October 19th, I'll be in Hanover, Maryland at the Hall at Live during my Come Together tour. Then next week, I'm coming all across Indiana. Gary on October 23rd, West Lafayette on October 24th, and Fort Wayne on October 25th and Bloomington October 26th. Get your tickets right now at tomscrow.com/our.
Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.
[Music]
Hi. What's everybody? Oh, this is my camera. I'm Christine. Uh Tim is out touring. Probably has a second family that he needs to support. But with me in his place is the fantastic Rob Eer. Everybody, welcome.
Wow. Thank you. You told me Tom was in uh rehab for eating disorder.
That's right. I forgot about that. Yeah. I didn't want to put it out there, but yes. People have noticed.
That these thoughts.
Yeah. Yeah.
See, I thought it was just him leading up to having an affair and abandoning me because that's where my mind goes cuz I'm mentally normal.
But he could do that fat. He has enough money where he could just be fat and [ __ ].
Oh, that's such a good point. But.
That's so true. But I was but I've always heard that it's like when guys change their appearance and stuff like that's the first step. So I don't know.
Yeah. Good luck with that.
Give a [ __ ]. Yeah. But the good thing is he's just in rehab. Who cares? No, I don't care. I'll be single uh forever anyway. If Tom and I go splitsville, I'm just I'm just going to have more cats and dogs.
Yeah. Well, you could live the life. We call it the lifestyle. The single lifestyle. Yeah. Like how the swingers have the lifestyle.
Oh, yeah.
I have the the single lifestyle. We call it the lifestyle.
The lifestyle.
The lifestyle. Yeah. Where you don't have to Me and Annie were just talking about where you don't have to worry about other people's feelings.
That must be nice. You don't have to meet people's friends and pretend to like them, which is the number one worst.
Part. Do you think that's the worst part or.
Learning their like triggers and what makes them sad and what upsets them and.
No, cuz that I could that I could that I could at least get into like I could find it interesting that someone's like crazy where your friend is an [ __ ] and I'm supposed to be like, "Oh, they're so funny." Yeah, that's No, that's great that they're like loud and like annoying and drunk and I think it's charming.
Yeah, it's so weird because I had a ex-boyfriend whose friends were just awful people, but he was a really good person. And I've always thought about that for for years. Like, what was that guy doing with all these like dirt bags?
What do you think that is?
I don't [ __ ] know. I don't know. Maybe he felt that he wasn't good enough to have good friends. Or maybe he just like the excitement of dirt bags.
Oh.
Cuz I don't know, dude. I don't know. [ __ ] let's call him.
Do you think that's why he was with you?
Well, I'm for sure mentally ill.
Yeah. All right. Well, should we uh thanks for being here and taking Tim Tim's place. And this is going to be fun because you really know the show. For those of you who don't know, Rob is a mommy. Um, that's how we connected in the first place many years ago. You like your mom's house. You've listened to your mom's house.
Yeah. I moved to Austin.
That's true.
Yeah. I'm a bit of a fan. Yeah. True. Yeah. I.
Not today, pal.
But the real honor is that when you have to do a solo show, you call me. And when Tom has to do a solo show, he calls me. That's that's an honor. Like just having me on is one thing, but when you're like.
"Oh man, we got to do this with no one. Can you come do this?" I'm like, "Yeah, it's [ __ ] it's great. It's a It's a true honor.
Because you're a soul mommy.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
You're definitely a mommy by soul. Also, I don't know if you do know this, the fart mic has returned. So, if you feel the need to fart, go ahead.
Okay.
I'll try and muster one up. I had short ribs last night.
Well, there you go. I'll try and pump it up. All right. Let's start with this beautiful opening. Beautiful.
A fat woman is the, you know, equivalent of what a broke dude is. Yeah, nice, mommy.
Timing, timing.
Way to hit the post.
Welcome to your mom's house.
Yeah.
With Tom Seagura and Christina.
Welcome to your mom's house.
[Music]
Meow. Yeah, no, no, no.
[Music]
A fat woman. What does he say? Let's do it again. A fat woman is the, you know, equivalent of what a broke dude is.
I mean, what do you think? It's not untrue. I hate to say this.
Yeah. I mean, because listen, what I think is they both have their they could still both do well somehow out there. Like, you know, broke guys do well, fat chicks do like they they still somehow.
You know, they can pull.
Fat broads. Yeah. But but you're Yeah. Okay. Okay. This is a good topic. Let me go there. So, I started working out at a gym and I I used to work out at a weightlifters gym where there was like toothless men, guys missing limbs, like like war veterans and it was so [ __ ] fun. Like, I really liked it.
This is here.
Yeah.
Wow.
It was like heavy metal and murals of like skulls and [ __ ]. And I was like the only lady there.
Wow.
And I I was catching some looks, you know what I mean? I was like, "Wow, I still got it." And now I go.
With your legs walking in here.
Your legs and your teeth.
Yeah.
And now I go to like a hot girl gym where it's all like super nice older hot ladies and they're all in their their Lululemons and they don't have to cover their bellies or their butts and I'm like, "Oh, okay. Now I now I see where I am in like the pegging order."
So no men allowed.
No, they can be there are men there, but it's where when I go it's like hot, skinny like ladies. We got to talk after. I got to figure out I got to hear where I got to hear where this is.
But the currency totally is. I feel like like you. So the point being like, yeah, I could pull guys, but they're probably not, you know, super duper if I'm like super husky, right?
I think social media has made people such [ __ ] that like even if you're fat or broke or whatever, all you have to do is be like [ __ ] cool and like understanding and not an [ __ ] now. And I think you could do pretty well. Like cuz when I when I was younger and everything, like I I wanted a girl who was like I would see my friends get a girlfriend who like wasn't very hot, but they were like, "No, but she's the best." And I'd be like, "What?" Like I didn't even get it. But now that I'm older, I'm like, "All I want is a woman who's like, "Hey, you don't have to come to my friend's birthday with me."
That's all I want to hear. Like I don't I don't care about anything else. If she's like, "Hey, I want a girl who hates going to things as much as I do." So she'll be like, "Hey, I have to go to this thing. You can stay home. That's all I want to hear.
But she can be fat.
How fat? Well, but it's I'm just saying listen, I'm I'm a lunatic, but there's there's She can do very But I'm not even like doing well like as far as like for a woman, but like I think a woman can be fat and still do very well. Yeah.
That's interesting.
But how fat are we talking about here? Like just.
What's fat? I don't know. But that's the thing. The standards are so different here. Have you ever heard what Carl Loggerfeld has to say on it? Na, go ahead and play. It'll be okay for women to be fat in the future.
I'm afraid. Yes.
But not okay now.
No.
There he goes.
Anyway, that's all he says. He He's quote fat phobic by today's standards, but in like the early 2000s and before, he was like right on, you know?
Listen, I I think it's great to be fat. The only reason not to be fat is because you want to attract a mate. After that, it's like who could like I sometimes like I'll gain like, you know, a few pounds in the belly and like I don't give a [ __ ]. Like I just it's more so my face. Like I have the Irish round face that like if I gain five pounds, it looks like it all goes to my face.
Look, nobody likes to be I don't ever like to be over. But I will say and I I think that men behind closed doors when they're being honest and they talk about their wives, they're like, "Dude, I just don't like it if she's fat." Am I right? Am I [ __ ] Please.
I've never been married. I don't know. I don't know what you if you actually I don't know if you just like love your wife or whatever. like if she gains some pounds over. But I know like when But listen, I think like I don't know if a girl's a little overweight but she's [ __ ] awesome. Like I take that now that I'm 40. When I'm 20 it was like no I want hot and don't care if she's crazy. Where now I'm like.
Yeah, but.
I'm also in the in the camp of like I wouldn't date someone who doesn't go to the gym. But that's not because I want you to be skinny. It's cuz I want you to get your [ __ ] anger out somewhere else before it just not at home. Yeah. Like not I want you to get that out. So, like you're, you know, like I'm way more less likely to like argue after I leave the gym.
Oh, yeah. It get completely balances your life out.
You have to get that out.
Yeah. See, I never cared about weight or or muscularity with men. Is that Is that the word? I don't know. I never.
Sounds smart.
Yeah. I mean, I like these [ __ ] homos like these guys. These like fa like frail looking guys.
Yeah. Like Dave gone like skinny Peter Murphy skinny or just like.
Yeah, that's that's weird. Yeah.
I know. I think I am a fanboy. I think I might be gay man woman. What am I? I don't know.
So, it's slowly happening even here where I live where the sun is going to start cooling off and it's going to get a little bit colder and I can't wait. Listen, if you go to Helix, take their quiz where you say your sleeping position is, what your favorite sleeping temperature is, and if you sleep with somebody or solo, they have cooling mattress covers for hot sleepers, which huge fan of. And they have extra memory foam padding for side sleepers. Some of you are side sleepers. Who are you people? Helix also sells bed frames, pillows, sheets, and a ton of other bedding options. Basically, they've got you covered however you sleep and whatever your optimal sleeping conditions are. So, go to helixleep.com/ymh for 20% off sitewide. That's helixleep.com/wyh for 20% off sitewide. helixleep.com/ym. Guys, enter the room. Dick first. Bluetooth isn't just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership. Bluechu is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. I'm a huge fan. I take them every day whether sex is on the table or not. I just want to be ready. I want someone to see it. That's why I take them and I love it. Guys, this isn't about performance. This is about legacy or third legacy. Give her group chat something to talk about. When you pipe her down, like really do it the way you were supposed to, she's going to tell her friends that you did it. And nothing makes you more of a legend than a little bluech. Discover your options at bluechw.com. We've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of blue free. Just use the promo code yh at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Bluw's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluechu.com for details and important safety information. And a huge thanks to Blu for sponsoring the podcast.
See, I used to like like short Spanish girls with a little weight on them like when I was younger. And then I started hanging out like when I would go to clubs and hang out and all these like guys in clubs, they liked girls who were skinnier. And that just became like the women who were around more. So I started leaning more towards that. Even though like my true thing is like a little like short Spanish girl. Like that's how I really that's how I was brought into this world. Loving loving that. Yeah. But then you you know you changed.
See and and I I my first um sexual dream was about John Goodman. I was like 13 or 12 and I just loved I've always had a crush on John Goodman.
And so when I met Tommy He was heavier and I was like like it was a deeply rooted like shameful weird thing that I kind of liked. Husky gents.
I can just picture you calling your girlfriend after the first date and being like God's like a young John Goodman. And they're like what? You're like I think I'm going to marry this guy.
Oh, I knew I was going to. I just I loved him. I just loved it.
Look at John Goodman in 1962. When you go to that one Facebook, I He looks like Ralph Machio.
I know. He's so adorable.
Wow.
Oh my god.
He looks like uh Who Who's That's Elijah Wood.
Elijah.
That's Elijah. Okay. Yeah, that I I I was thinking that. I was like, who's played Frodo? I was going to say it looks like him. Yeah.
Frodo turned into John Goodman. That's so stupid.
Well, we got to see John Goodman as a kid now. Do we have that? What did he look like?
Oh, I bet he was adorable. Is John Goodman still alive? You know, when people are googling that for you, that's [ __ ].
Yeah.
Oh, he's cute. See, he's just so American and so like.
He just seems like he'd protect you. And.
You know, people who who Google is John Goodman still alive? It takes them like 10 minutes to Google it because they're the people who like loved Roseanne like 30 years ago now. They're like, "Hold on, let me see." They're like, "Is S?"
I think people still secretly love the show Roseanne.
Oh, of course. I don't think it's a secret. Yeah.
Yeah. Look at him. So handsome. The big Labowski. Come on. I don't know. I always liked heavier guys. Even growing up. My dad's fatter friends. I just like those old Hungarian guys with bellies. And to me it's kind of like a Liz they like I don't you know like they're not so uptight. They're not so so disciplined like they can enjoy life or something. Maybe that's.
Or they're just slobs. And maybe they're not afraid that I'm a slob. Maybe that's the truth to it is that my standards get to be lowered which is really the best part. I don't have to try so hard.
Yeah, they're not super anal about stuff.
Yeah, I would [ __ ] really hate that. Now, speaking of dating, you're in the dating world.
I've got some gals for you. Hold on.
Oh, okay.
Let's take a look at these ladies. You tell me if any of these ring your bell. Here we go.
Hi, I'm Ashley Glendon, number 96336. I really want some fun and positive people to help pass my time. I love to laugh and I have a spunky attitude. Um, don't be shy. Hi. Hit me up on jpay.com. And big shout out to Prison Connect.
Can I tell you? Yes.
Yeah.
I'm a sucker. Listen, if I if I wasn't.
Oh [ __ ]. Sorry. Oh no. Oh.
Oh.
Is it It's still going.
She gave you a body shot, dude.
Wow.
She gave you full [ __ ].
See, if I if I didn't know better, I'd be all in. But I know better. You know what I mean? Like I know that this woman will try and like she'll come ruin my life and you know all that stuff. Yeah. But if I didn't know that I'd be in I'd be like who is this angel?
Because you could meet her out in in a bar or whatever in the street.
Yeah. Well, I can't. Yeah. Not you.
Not me.
Do Okay. So, so here's the deal. Do you want to know what she did?
Ooh.
Like I tell you what her offenses are. Do you want to guess?
And we'll see if that makes me like her more or not. I'm going to say she she did something with a guy where they like robbed somebody.
It's always a guy, right? I I think so, too. Like none of these chicks are initiating.
Well, some of them some of them are crazy, but this one just seems she's showing guy hungry. So, I think maybe that led her down the wrong path.
Guy hungry.
You know, where other women you just see a woman, it's like, "Oh, she looks angry. She might have just beaten a woman up or beaten someone up, you know, might have beaten a parking lot attendant to death."
Are you ready?
Mhm.
This is good. She's good. First of all, here's the good news. She's out in February of 2028.
I have an issue.
Go ahead.
This is from an app where you date uh inmates. They shouldn't put the word pay in the name of the app.
JPay. No, you can give them money for.
But that's what I'm saying. That should it should come as like, oh, actually, you know what? You could also send me money. But when the name of the app is J like at least lure me down a thing of like sexy in you know like only.
What was the reason for that? Do you guys remember this thing from JP?
I don't want pay to be the JPEG.
Yeah. Like I think he's saying like it's very forward to just start with the the money.
It might as well be like hey sucker the name of the app.
I know. I agree. They should have n but then what could they call like what what's a Facebook for criminals?
Lonely lonely women.
Locked up. Locked and lonely. Yeah, locked up broads. Yeah, I don't know. Anything but like where's the money?
J, I agree. That's a horrible name.
This is where you put money on their commissary, right?
Right. That's That's not where the dates specifically.
Are you ready to hear what this broad did?
Okay. Controlled substance possession of Fine.
Yeah, big deal. and grand theft by any common law lararseny, embezzlement, extortion, or receiving stolen goods. I mean.
That's not receiving stolen goods. Who doesn't do that? When I was growing up, like, "Hey, this fell off the back of a truck. What are you going to do? Say no to a criminal? You got to take it."
I know. Grand theft by any common law, lararseny. I'm not sure what that means. What does that mean exactly?
Have you ever gotten one of them to fa FaceTime in?
No. I would love to talk to her.
So So Ashley's definitely That's a thumbs up still.
I Oh, all day. If if if she if she was anywhere else, like let's say she was in like a a nunnery and had this video, I'd be like, "We got to break her out. We got to get her out." But knowing that she's in prison and she'll probably try and like take my money and ruin my life. I I instantly go like, "No, I can't I can't do that."
Oh, so here's what she did. Unlawfully taking, carrying away, and permanently depriving the owner of personal property that exceeds a certain monetary value. Okay, big whoop. So, she stole something from some dude or whatever.
Yeah, you could. She could have been mad at somebody been like, "I'm taking the dog."
That's stupid. I agree. She's minor. I think Ashley's still a good candidate for you. I liked how she backed up and gave you a full body shot. Apppropo our earlier discussion of like, you know, fat women are like broke men. She's showing you the goods. She's saying, "I'm thin everywhere." So, she's not luring you in cuz on the profile on the dating apps.
I'm thin everywhere.
Yeah. Like on the dating apps, can't they lure you in with like a nice face pick, but then the body could be totally different?
They can lure you in with a full body pick and then you see and you're like, "This is not the body in the pick."
Really? They do totally different.
They can do full Yeah. They They can trick you in any They take a picture in like a black shirt and pants in front of a black wall and you're like, I think uh I think that's all right. Yeah. And then you meet up and you're like, oh man, good thing this wasn't dinner, you know?
So, what do you do with them? like coffee or you do like a fast. Oh, you don't drink coffee at all.
Yeah, we'll we'll do whatever. But then, you know, there there are some times where you know right away like this is going to like I remember the last girl who I dated for like a long period of time, we met on an app and right away I was like no, I know this is legit and like yeah, I got on a plane to go meet her.
Where.
Cuz it was Miami.
Wow.
And.
Yeah, the best. It was incredible. But we just, you know, it was uh one of us was gonna have to move and it just didn't feel right and it was unfortunate. But.
Yeah, now she's in prison.
Yeah, there's her. That's Ashley. Let's see this one.
But it does feel like she's blowing these kisses to everybody, which I don't like. I'm jealous, you know. I'm a jealous kind of guy.
Yep. I understand what you're saying. Guys want to think that you're you're going to give the goodies only to them.
Yeah.
Only to Rob. The kisses are only for Rob.
Yeah. The the the showing off of the body is only for you.
Yeah. I don't even like when when a when a girl on a dating app like their first thing is like.
Let's not chat. Let's just meet right away. I'm like.
Not like Yeah. I want I want to I want to make sure we're not wasting time. Like if right away I know I'm like, "Hey, do you drink wine every night? Cuz if he has goodbye, I can't I can't do it." Like I just I I don't drink and I don't want somebody who's drunk all the time. I have to get those things out of the way where like a lot of these women are just like nope we we meet right now we're nothing. I'm like goodbye I can't like they cuz you know what it is they've gone down the path like a lot of them say like I don't want a pen pal. They've gone down a path before where a guy just like.
Talked to them forever and then never met them. So now they're like I won't even talk to you like just meet me or nothing.
Wow.
Which I'm the opposite. I'm like no I need to know you're not crazy before I go and meet you because I I'm not dying for a relationship. So if you're like crazy or in prison or blowing everyone kisses or what? Like I can't. If you committ a grand lararseny, I might be a no for me.
Wow. Fascinating, man. This girl.
It's brutal out there.
It is. It sounds okay. So here's Kylie Michelle and name.
Yeah. Here she goes. Let's see.
Hi, my name is Kylie Jackman. My number is 1110819. I'm in Pocutello Women's Correctional Center. I have blue eyes and thick thighs. You can hit me up on JPEG.
You know that I'm scared to like really say absolutely not to some of these women because I'm like they're they're whoever somebody might come and get me. But you know who she and listen, I don't want to be rude but she kind of reminds me of is the person who remember back in the day there was that toy that you would get and it was like a bald guy and you would put the hair on him.
Oh my god. Yeah. Have my kids the magnet. Can you look that up? What is that called when you you put the.
Woolly Willy?
Yeah. Woolly Willy.
Yeah. Can you look Can you get a picture of that up? Because I'm getting strong vibes from her of that.
I know what you're talking about. It's the nose.
Yeah. See, when it's when it has the no hair.
Yes.
Yeah. That's kind That's kind of some similar.
Not to be rude, but I just want to say that's not my type.
Yeah.
Yeah. Uh, woolly Willy is not something I.
Hey, don't you dare put down Kylie. Cuz I will tell you that Kylie, first of all.
She's wife material, I think Kylie, especially at a man of your age and where you're at, she might be your [ __ ] ride or die [ __ ]. You know what I'm saying? Like, and I jud judging by these.
Offend I'm going to go with that she's like a ride or die. Do you want to know what she did?
Well, here's the thing. I think you want a ride or die who's like a nine ride or die cuz if you go too far.
They're too scammy. What are you talking about? You want that girl?
No, because then if you're like ah this [ __ ] girl like I went to go get a to the gym and she wasn't nice to me and then she goes and like cuts her and then you're like oh now I got to be putting stuff in her Jay [ __ ] every week cuz she cut her for me. I don't want you want a nine ride or die. A 10 ride or die is a little too.
Right because you're saying that she's going to be too protective and too invested in the relationship. She doesn't want She doesn't want to lose you cuz she's so like clingy, right?
Like you did what to my man? Like I I I want I want calm.
You know what I mean? But what Yeah. What did she commit? Maybe totally wrong.
No, you're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it because Kylie is like this is like a nothing burger. Controlled substance possession of and burglary out.
Oh, I'm so sorry for judging you. Yeah.
Yeah. That's like that's a nothing burger and she's out um in 2026. Congrats on good behavior.
Hopefully. We'll see. I'll be honest, mommies. I'm not exactly watching Sports Center every night, but even I know that football season is in full swing and everyone's talking about it. And that's why we've teamed up with DraftKings Sportsbook. Tom and the guys in the office are all over DraftKings this season. They're constantly checking the lines and odds, arguing about their fantasy teams. DraftKings has made it super easy to get in on the fun, even if you're not a diehard fan. New customers can bet just $5 and get $300 in bonus bets if your bet wins. And you can use those bonus bets on DraftKings same game parlays for a shot at an even bigger payout. Don't worry if betting isn't available in your state yet. You can still join in with DraftKings daily fantasy sports and compete for real cash prizes. Here's the deal. New customers turn five bucks into 300. If your bet wins, paid instantly in bonus bets. The crown is yours. Sign up using our promo code mom. That's mom.
Gambling problem? Call 1800 gambler. In New York, call 8778 hopey or text y at 467-369. In Connecticut, help is available for a problem gambling. Call 888789-777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bet must win to receive reward. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkg.co/audio. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all-in-one platform designed to build your brand, grow your business, and succeed online. And whether you're selling services, booking clients, or just getting your ideas out there, Squarespace gives you everything you need all in one place. It's super easy to offer services from consultations to online classes. You can book appointments, send professional invoices, and get paid all through your site. No more juggling multiple apps. There's a plethora of cuttingedge design and SEO tools available to build a custom website that's tailored to your brand or business. With their AI website builder and a complete library of award-winning website templates, you'll have a customized site in no time. So, if you've been waiting for a sign to start building your brand, this is it. Head to squarespace.com/mom for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That is squarespace.com/mom. And the code is mom. M. Yeah. I don't think Kylie I don't know.
No privacy, huh? If I If me and her are talking, there's just the whole crews in the back. Huh?
So, she burgled and she has some drugs on her. Big [ __ ] deal. So, what are you going to do? Drugs and not rob people.
Yeah, that's the whole point.
Yeah, of course.
You get gagged and you steal, right?
Yeah. And you burgle.
Yeah. You do some blow and you burgle.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't think Okay, whatever.
No, I think she's probably a sweetheart. She's just She's just unfortunately not my type. Yeah. Yeah.
The first one was more she's blowing the kisses.
Yeah, I see where you're at.
Yeah.
Snob.
Hey, what's up? My name's Janelle Martinez.
Like it.
My number is 114568. I'm located in Idaho. I'm looking for friends, good company, someone to talk [ __ ] with. Emotional and financial support.
Uhoh.
I'm here for a good time, not a long time.
Okay.
Hit me up on JPEG.
See, it's so hot the way she's holding the phone. See, a lot of them sometimes like a rapper. Yeah. They're kind of holding.
She's like, "I want your money."
Yeah.
Yeah. She's very Yeah, she's But listen, I I got to say I But maybe it's just good to be honest, but I don't like the approach of like I want your money right away. It turns me off. I like.
First 10 seconds I was like, "This could be the one." And now it's just a no.
Yeah. Well, here's what I like about um Miss Martinez. She had like the rhyme thing going, you know? Uh.
Here for a good time, not a long time.
Yeah, like I like when they're clever. She come she came up with that. That shows like she's got a brain on her. She's creative. Um.
I don't know if she came up with that, but.
Well, but or maybe she adapt but she adapted it and used it and I really like that. She is a younger inmate. She's only 30 years old.
Looks great.
She's got youth on her side. She's good looking.
Um and uh she wants to have fun. Gray hair. I like her a lot. Okay. Do you want to know what she did?
Yeah.
This one's interesting. I've never even seen this.
Martinez was found to be using mood altering substances for which she had no prescription for which she received a class B disciplinary offense.
What does this even mean? Found to be using mood altering substances.
Aren't there all these cities where like people are like we arrest people 37 times and and and they're fine, but then this girl is just like doing drugs. Who cares?
Oh, here we go.
Oh.
Sorry. I should have kept reading.
Yeah, the upside down phone said maybe she did a little a little something. We don't know.
Can you guess what mood altering substance it was? What do you think? What are you thinking she's doing?
Oh, a labbotomy. Did she get a full.
Methamphetamine.
And that Martinez tested positive for methamphetamine while in custody on her writer?
Oh, in 2023, she was convicted of possession of heroin and fentinyl. Well.
Okay, now.
All right. Big deal.
Sure. Sure. We're like, okay, maybe she deserves a little a little time out.
Drugs. Just try.
Yeah. No, I think it's f. But listen, fent fentanyl. I I wasn't around in the in my drug time wasn't fentanyl. Fentanyl looks real bad, man.
Yeah, it's real bad.
I don't know. It doesn't look like a I don't know. Like, I know a lot of people who started out doing a drug, were having fun, and then and then it became bad where like I I don't know anyone who's like, "Dude, this fentanyl shit's awesome." and then it goes bad. Like it just seems like day one of fentanyl is as bad as the the rock bottom of everything else.
Do you take fentinol voluntarily or isn't it just in drugs now that like it's mixed in and it kills you? I thought that was.
Both. But some people do it Yeah. Some people are doing it just for kicks.
Well, I will say it is pretty spectacular. When I broke my ankle, they gave me a fentanyl patch in the amber lamps and I [ __ ] really loved it. I was like, "What is this?" I think I've told you this before, but there when I was going through my like, you know, getting off of drugs and all this stuff, I remember hearing all the stories and there was one act actor wife and husband in Hollywood and their son was born like, you know, probably had a really odd life the whole like growing up with parents who were famous or whatever. When he was 18 or whatever, he was such an addict that he threw himself down a flight of stairs to get in the ambulance to go to the hospital to get pain meds.
Wow.
That's like Uh.
You're really committed.
Wow.
Yeah, that's a that's a real.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's so um that's interesting. I was reading this dog this book about um Marina. She's a [ __ ] Would you look her up? She's a performance artist. Why can't I remember her? Marina.
Marina Del Rey.
Marina Del Rey. She's from like Bellarus. God damn it. Anyway, she's from this old school communist country. I'm obsessed with her. Yeah. Brahovich. Marina Braz performance artist. Yeah. I'm reading her book, her her autobiography.
And she goes, "When I was a little girl, I had a bleeding disorder and they put me in the hospital for like a month. You think it was the worst time of my life, but it was the best. They were so nice to me there. And my family had to be nice to me when they came to visit me and bring me sweets and toys." And I was like, "Oh, I totally understand that."
Yeah. I'm like, I [ __ ] wish I had gotten in the hospital when I was a kid.
Yeah, I did. I had such bad asthma that I would end up in the hospital, but I hated it.
Cuz you could you can't really like you'd be in the I didn't like being as a kid, you want to run around. You don't want to be in like a hospital bed. It was it was brutal.
I mean, they they couldn't they give you inhalers and stuff to prevent you from being hospitalized.
You know what's so funny is like now that I'm an adult and I'm like, "How come I haven't had an asthma attack in 20 years?" I'm like, "Oh, because when I was a kid, like we just didn't listen." Like they were like, "Hey, you can't do this. You you can't be around cats. You can't be around dogs. And you just as a kid, you're not thinking about that all day. So like you go to somebody's house, they have a cat, you don't know. Next thing you know, you're like like in the [ __ ] hospital. And.
I remember we went to like a show one time that had like fake smoke and I ended up in the hospital.
Oh my god.
Yeah. It was all I had such bad asthma. But my uncle also has asthma because we grew up in a [ __ ] tiny apartment with everyone smoking cools and we both have [ __ ] horrible asthma. Yeah. My grandmother smoked. My great-grandma smoked Paul Mauls and my my grandma and grandpa smoked cools and they would just chain.
Cools. Bring those up. Let's take a look at Paul Mauls and Cools. Cools are menthol. I remember that.
Paul Maul. That's like.
I think it's a red pack if I remember right.
Yeah. With white like a windmills on it or something. That is Oh.
The red pack. Yeah.
Oh, it's so But that wasn't the one that she smoked. She smoked the one that with no filters like that one.
[ __ ] dude. If you click on the one that the thing is on right now.
Yeah. That's what she That's was always in the crib. Yeah. Wherever particular people congregate, huh?
Oh, wow.
Yeah. And they all imagine just like sitting in the apartment smoking cigarettes with your son and his like wife all day with their kids all around. Like it must have been.
Such garbage.
You know what else I look back on when I look at when I lived with my like grandparents and everything? Like I and maybe I'm wrong about this, but my memory is I didn't have one toy. Like I remember other times in my life where like you had these but I just remember like I had my own chair. It was like a neon little plastic chair that they would sit right in front of the TV and I was just like oh while there was just smoke in the room like and I was just sitting there watching TV all day. But I just don't like I know there were times in my life where I had toys but just that time where I live with my grandparents I don't think that they were like oh let's get him toys.
I know.
Like let's it was just like no that oh my god that apartment was you would lay in bed. So I slept on the pull out couch in between my grandma and grandpa and you would hear as soon as like the lights would go off it was like.
And it was it was mice cockroaches every and it was just the [ __ ] and then you would hear one get like caught on a trap and it would make and my [ __ ] grandparents would just sleep right through it and I was in the middle of a [ __ ] pullout couch just like please I want to be anywhere you didn't have the [ __ ] they didn't have remotes yet. So, they had a a block that sat over by the TV and you had to walk over and push cuz it was like instead of just turning the thing and I remember it being like go change the channel and like it would just be like gh like fine, we'll just watch this like you know and it was like [ __ ] I don't want to watch this and they had like this thing you pushed these buttons down on change the channel.
Old old Yeah. God sounds worse than communism. You guys sound more poor than my parents.
But what's funny is like I look back on that and I'm like that was great. Like I I it was just like I remember bedtime was really not great and scary and everything, but like up until that it was my grandma was the best.
She loved you.
She loved me. But also like you know my parents were very young so like it didn't felt like they were passing on these like life lessons to me everywhere. My grandma would be like, "No, you don't do that this way. You do it this way." And then I would do something a different way and it would be easier. And I'd be like, "Wow, that's so nice." Where like.
My my my parents were 18. So like when they were when I was four, they were like 22. I think about me when I was 22. I didn't have a single lesson to pass.
Yeah. What can you teach them.
To a four year except Yeah. I knew nothing.
You drink. Yeah.
Yeah. And especially like I would know even less if I got pregnant at 17 or 18 and then I don't I don't know if my mom like even finished high school.
That because she was pregnant and it's like that must have been so crazy.
But she knew to make you an actor.
Well, she somebody on the street was like this guy should be an actor and she was like yeah let's go on auditions and see what happens. Amazing.
Amazing. Yeah.
Isn't it wild to think like you were in that I because I think I look at the life that my kids have today and like my youngest is seven now and I'm I'm like Julian when I was your age I was already like I was on my own, bro. Like I could already use the stove. I was cooking. I was alone a lot. He's like, "Really? Is that true?" I'm like, "Yeah, dude." Our parents didn't give a [ __ ]. There was no idea of like, you know, someone would call CPS on you or whatever. They just left you there. You know, you were a latch key kid. It was wild. Or even my dad like partying like like I'd wake up in the middle of the night and you're like, "Who's in the house? What's happening?
Who's where is this drunk people? It's awful.
See, with us, it was more like uh like letting people stay. Like it wasn't like random people would just pop in, but it was like, "Oh, like this is this person, this person, and this person. and they're staying with us for months and you're just like, "Oh, okay." But.
In the apartment.
In the apartment. But the thing that like I do like when I look back with my mom and I'm so grateful for is like when I hear people who are like, "Yeah, my mom never said she loved me." I'm like, "That's got to [ __ ] you up." Cuz at least my mom was always like, "I love you the most." Like, you know, she'd be like, "I love you." You know, where I'm like, "God, I can't imagine like for 18 years never hearing your parent be like, I love you." Any.
You think you and I are pretty equal on this one.
Yeah, I haven't, you know, I didn't hear my dad say any words for like 20 years. So, yeah, I love you wasn't on the top where I was.
Yeah, I don't think we said that very often either.
Me and my dad say I love you to each other like once a year when like something bad happens.
Yeah. You know.
Dads are generally a little more.
Yeah. You just don't But I don't want him I don't want him to say I love you to me all the time. I am so I remember feeling so scared of having a real conversation with my parents. Like the thought would make me nauseous.
If one of them would be like, "Let's let's sit down and talk." I'm like, "Well, first of all, that never really happened." But I think the thought of it makes me want to puke, like that level of intimacy with these folks. Like, I don't know.
I'm all right. I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. I think my grandpa or like my dad, like I don't think of it. What are you trying to? What is this? Like, what are you trying to talk about? Yeah. Like, what you see the game yesterday and you're like, "Oh yeah, I saw the game. Yeah, it sucked, huh?" Like, you know, so much better. But I also always think about, like, you know, growing up, it was very much like, as soon as you sat to, like, I haven't seen somebody. As soon as you sit, you bring up bad stuff.
I hate that. It was that's how we always were. It was like a, like, cuz it's New York City, like a, like, traffic. Somebody just did this, and you're like, "Oh yeah, you know what? Somebody did to me." And then, like, you just commiserate.
You know, it's like, "Oh, this bad thing." Where now, like, when I see people, like, "How are you?" And like, you know, things are. That's great. That's totally the Hungarian way, too. It's like, you have to talk about everything that's awful in your life straight away. And I, I hated that. Like, when we go visit relatives in Budapest and you sit down on the hard, like, kitchen wooden furniture, and then, you know, Tundi has his heart problems, and then, you know, Gabbor has his problems, and I'm like, "I don't want to hear this. I don't want to hear any of your problems." Your problems make my dick soft, to quote my husband.
Yeah. And also, like, sometimes it's okay if the people are funny. Like, when you're with funny people and they bring up their problems, it's like they're finding humor in it. But when it's just like, his heart's not working, like, we're just counting down the days until his heart comes out, like. And it's like, "Oh, you're worried that he might die and miss all this, like, you know, this this awfulness?" Like, it's so horrible.
I know. Kill me. Okay, Sarah. Are you ready? Oh, more ladies. I love this. Yeah. She's hot. Hold on. Hi, my name is Sarah Edwards. Ido is 133419. I'm looking for someone sober, a male about in his mid-40s who wants to get to know me. I'm really interesting to talk to and I'm really funny. And, um, I have pre-board in June or July, and then I see commission in September. So, I'm thinking I'll probably be out by September. Um, I'm looking forward to getting to know someone who wants to stay in contact with me. Thank you.
I thought she was saying I have pre-board, like the thing at the airport. I was like, "Oh, that's the worst." Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to. You don't like traveling. You don't want anything. That's the number one. If I give you my phone right now and give you the dating app and scroll through the first 10 girls, I guarantee you at least seven say their whole personality is traveling.
What is that? I don't understand. I hope you have, I hope you're ready to go. I hope I could work from anywhere. And I hope I'm an adventure girl and I love this, and I hope you're ready to. No, I'm not. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for any of that.
And, and you know what? I felt that way for years, and I haven't budged even a little bit. It just makes me angrier and angrier every time I see, like, and I've gotten to the point where, like, I see a woman, I'm like, "She's beautiful. I bet we would get along." But, but her number one thing is like, it's like an emoji of like a tree on a clump of sand, and it's like, "I hope you're ready to go." I'm like, "I don't want to go." Like, your whole personality is getting away.
Getting away from your life. So, what's wrong with your life? And also, who's paying for the traveling? Is she paying for the traveling? Does she expect you to pay for the traveling?
Just sitting on planes. I know. I've done it for 20 years. Airport sucks. All of it is like, like you just said, makes my dick soft. Like, like, "Oh, look, we're in the airport." Like.
I get the same feeling being in an airport as I do when you're in a hospital. Yeah. Like, when you're, as soon as you go through those doors, and you're just like, like, I don't breathe as easy. Like, the whole thing is just like a, like, uh, cuz I, like, you're getting on that plane, they're shutting that door. It's all. Oh, it's terrible. And you're totally out of control. They don't give a [ __ ] if the plane comes or goes. They don't care about you and your life. They don't give a [ __ ].
My OCD going through their rules. Yeah, me too. I can't, I can't take the lack of control. It bothers me. Okay. So, what do you think she did?
Um. H. Yeah. See, I don't know. I'm just. Like, when you look at her. I don't think it's anything too bad. Right? Cuz she seems so gentle. She seems like a first grade teacher. Like, she's so chill. She says she's got a good sense of humor. What did she do? I don't know. I don't think it's anything. It doesn't feel like it's anything that would really, uh, bother me too much. What'd she do?
It's not controlled substance possession of. That's fine. Why are these? She's just me and didn't get caught. I didn't. She got caught. Sucks. Yeah, but it's also like, if you're getting caught with drugs, you are doing something else. Like, what are you doing? Because who gets, who just gets caught with drugs? Like, who's like, "Yo, I was walking, I was walking home yesterday. They [ __ ] bagged me." Like, they knew it was in my pocket. Like, what are you doing?
That's true. To be caught, like, what are you in your car doing? Like, why are you? I would love to know why they're caught. Yeah. You should just do drugs at home or like. Yeah. Or like, if you just have drugs on you. It's like, why would anyone know? Yeah. That's so true. All of my friends had drugs on them at all times when I was growing up in New York City. And once a year, somebody would get caught because they were doing something else.
Yeah. Just don't do anything else. Yeah. Just stay home on your couch and do drugs. Yeah. It's awesome. But I guess maybe when you're doing those other drugs, like the meth and stuff, it forces you off the couch and out.
You're so motivated and inspired, you want to go and [ __ ] [ __ ] up. That's why I would never touch those uppers, man. No, I was a big painkiller guy where you just sit on your couch. My jam.
I forget if I told you, but like the arm of my couch where I kept the ashtray was hard. Like, you could go because of years of just sitting there playing. I would play online poker and smoke cigarettes and take painkillers, and when you ash and like, if it would miss the thing, it would just land on the thing and just became rock hard. Like, and the, the this arm of the couch was a totally different color than the other arm of the couch.
It's [ __ ] perfect. Yeah, it's so so unattractive. I go down too. I don't want to be up. I've already got, you know, enough anxiety in my life. Yeah. I'm always looking for things to calm me down. And that's what I, that's when a when a woman is like, "What are you looking for in a in a partner now?" I'm like, "Someone who could calm me down. I don't want somebody who's going to add pressure to my, you know, like I'm not looking for." Like, there are people who, like I have a friend.
Dude, if I, it's so illegal that I don't know if I could even tell the story on this podcast, but my friend. I don't know if I could do. I guess I can do it, right? Well, it's. We'll just pull it out if we can't. Yeah. No, I don't think. Well. I, I don't know. He was. He was dating. He was dating a girl from another country. Yeah. And like, basically right before, like Trump was coming in, the people in her country told her like, "If you ever want to get to America, it's now or never."
Oh, smart. And she, and she did it. And like the, and he's like, "I'm addicted to the chaos she brings to my life." That like I was talking to her in another country, and then all of a sudden she was like, living on a boat near my house. Like, I just, I can't say too much because it's like, and and he's like, "I'm so addicted to this drama that she brings." And I'm like, "I couldn't be more opposite now." Like, I'm like, "I don't even, I want someone who just brings nothing but like calm."
Chill. 100%. The same way. Like, Tom Segura is practically asleep, and I like that. Yeah. He's just [ __ ] and I sometimes I have to touch him, make sure he's still alive. And that brings me like, "Oh, thank God."
When is he the most animated with you? With me? Or like, you know, you see him the most. So, like, when do you see him the most, like, "Wow, look at him. He's full of personality right now." The, I'll tell you the only time in 20 years that he's really been like, just over the moon, is when he was working on that movie this summer.
Really? He would work. I mean, you know, you know the days that are like 12, 14 hour days, come home fully happy, fully energized, thrilled. Best mood. And then that mood lasted for like a month after he wrapped. He, he was so happy to be an actor. I think he really loved to act. When I was doing Tom's Netflix show, I've never been more angry in the last 20 years.
You hate it. I was. I remember being in the shower at like 5:00 a.m. one day and just thinking about killing Tom. Like, in the shower. And when I saw him in the hair and makeup trailer, I said, "You know what I did? My whole shower this morning, I thought about different ways to kill you." And he loved it. He's like, "I was like, I swear it was the only thing getting me through." Like, my whole body gets sick when I have to set an alarm for like 4:45 a.m. I'm just not that. And I know it's like, you're spoiled, you're this. Yes. Like, I, I just, I can't, I can't do it. I, I'm not a [ __ ] farmer. Like, I can't wake up at 4:45.
It's not pleasant. I, and I don't know if anybody's body ever really truly gets, I don't know, gets used to it because when I was doing the road a lot, and you'd have to take that first flight out from California to the East Coast, and I would be up at like 3:30, 4:00 in the morning, get on that 6:00 a.m. or get across the country to like Connecticut, [ __ ] wake up the next morning to do radio at 5:00 a.m. And you do that for two days, and then, you know, it's such a grind, and I always felt sick. I always felt like puking. Never quite rested. And, um, that's brutal. I have so much sympathy for garbage men who wake up at the butt [ __ ] crack. Why? Why do they have to collect garbage at at that early? Why can't they just do it? Why? Why so early?
Less traffic or something? I don't know. Is there? Can you Google that? What is the utility? Cuz that's the thing. It's like, I, I, I, I know people would be like, "Man, being a garbage man sucks." It's like, I don't, I don't mind like work. I don't mind doing work. But once you say, like, "You got to be here at 6:00 a.m.," I, I full, I just like completely shut down. I, I can't do it.
To avoid rush hour traffic. That makes sense. Yeah. Which allows them to complete their routes faster. But what about. I'd rather work all day. I'd rather, I'd rather do a job. This is so dumb. I know. I'd rather do a job that took eight hours if I could wake up when I want than do something that took an hour if I had to wake up at 5:00 a.m.
Yeah, I feel that. I just can't. I can't be like. I've talked about this before, but like in New York City, cab drivers used to be the angriest people in the world, and they're not anymore because they're Uber drivers now, and they get to make their own schedule. So, when you used to drive and you would get the, uh, medallion, or you had the car for 8 hours, it was like, "Okay, if I get the car at noon to 8, I have to work from the second I get it until the second I'm done." Where now, I talk to Uber drivers, and they're like, "Oh, at three o'clock, I turn the meter off. I go pick up my son from school. I make him [ __ ] lunch. I, I do that. I get to spend time with them." And they're so much happier.
For sure. That's making your own schedule is [ __ ] so important. You know, I, that's the greatest luxury of all is to be able to manage your time the way you want it. Boy, is that a big privilege. Cuz I'm also, but maybe it wouldn't bother me as much if I was somebody who could go to bed whenever they want it. Like, I know some people who are like, "Oh, if I got to go to bed at 8, I go to bed at 8." I cannot go to bed before 2 a.m.
Yeah. No matter what. Like, you, anything. And if I do, like, when I wake up at 4 for, you know, working on Tom's show, doing whatever, within 3 days, I'm back to going to bed at 2 a.m. My body, natural. Yeah. My body. It's from when I was living in Vegas. Like, I think my body just got hooked onto that. Like, I, I used to go to bed at like 7, 8 a.m. every day.
That's not good for you. That can't be good for you. It's horrible. Body clocks. So bad. But I think the way I balance it out was I would sleep for 16 hours. Yeah. You know, and then I would, I, I would never, I wouldn't be on a 24-hour clock when I lived in Vegas. Like, I would, let's say I woke up at noon, and then I went to bed at 8 a.m., and then I would wake up at 6:00 p.m., and then like, I was just like, "Oh, I go to bed when I'm done, and I wake up when I'm done." Like, I don't even think about it. Wasn't like a bed. There was no such thing as like, "It's bedtime."
Yeah. Well, you were on drugs. A lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's why you wanted to stay up, too. You're like, "Oh, I'm [ __ ] feeling good right now. I don't want to go to bed." You know.
I will say, being a mother, the, the, the one thing that I really detested about having kids. I love having my kids. The waking up at the crack of dawn when they're little was the biggest awfulest thing in the world. And now that they're old enough that I can go, "I know you guys are going to wake up at 6. Get on your iPads. I'll see you at 8." Just being able to tell them to [ __ ] right off and get on their iPads. Go make yourself a bowl of cereal. Now parenting is like, it's a joy.
But they still come in and wake you up. Sometimes. The little guy, he wants me to wake up and drink coffee and talk to him, and sometimes I will. It depends. He's really. Yeah, he's cute. He's. He's a good conversationalist. We have a good time. It just depends.
We went to dinner in New York. You want to talk about? You want to talk about how I ruined our dinner in New York? Wait, my kid or you? Uh, me. Your kids were great. You're disgusting. I ruined your. You, you literally, you looked across the table at me and you said, "Don't ever do that again. You ruined my whole dinner."
I, I got so much joy from that. There's two part. There's two. Cuz I don't even remember that one. I'm thinking of the one street. I don't know. I would go. Oh my god. But I didn't know I was doing it. You're just like, you're talking and you're like, "Yeah." And you, and you were like, "You just ruined my whole dinner. I don't want. Tell them not to bring me what I ordered. I don't want it."
So gross. It was so gross because you were getting over a cold and you were sucking. It wasn't getting a cold. It was just like, I got to New York and like something wasn't right, but I wasn't sick. Like, I felt great. Grow up. That wasn't even the worst of it. So, you're sucking in your snots during dinner, and I was like, "This is revolting." And then we're walking. You're nice enough to walk my kids and I back to the hotel, and he's doing it again, sucking in the snot. And then he, he spits on the floor like an old Chinese guy.
That's what the street's for. Can you show? Show me a clip of an old ch. That's what the street is for. Yeah, you spit. In. Not in America. Jack, play. Play it. Do you have a Chinese guy spitting or hawking? We can show him. So disgusting. Give me a bucket. I'll do it right here. I'll throw up. There you are. Oh, they're spitting in each other. There you are, Rob. It's you and your friend. That was wild. That's what you guys found. That's crazy. I thought they were kissing for a second. I know, right? Yeah. You're like an old Chinese guy spitting in the street. So [ __ ] disgusting. So [ __ ] disgusting.
You really hated it. It really bothered you. I don't like it. It made me laugh. So stupid. And you were telling your kids, you're like, "Don't do what Rob is doing right now." Of course. Hey, listen, Rob. You're an open-minded guy. You're into your health. Have you ever tried this?
Have you ever tried horse milk? H. I don't think horses make milk. See, this goes to the thing of like, would I rather her or the prison girl? I think I go with the prison. Girl all day. Yeah. Unless she's doing this just cuz she thinks it's funny, then that's then then maybe I go with her. But if she's doing it as like, "Oh no, I want to pass on like the knowledge I've learned on the farm." I don't know. I don't know. Or she's just doing like a gay. I just, I, I really struggle with the girls from prison stealing my money, you know? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I'd rather them like hurt me than take my money, you know? I'd rather be like, "Oh, yeah, she [ __ ] stabbed me."
I don't like horses because I don't want to have to go back to work. I don't want to start have to having to wake up at 5:00 a.m. So, it's like, "Please just don't take my money." Don't take my. Yeah. I don't think horses make milk. I think that's right. Horses. Such thing as horse milk. Oh, really? Really? Cuz I thought maybe it's like a pregnant woman horse or something. People drink horse milk. Primary fermented beverage called Kumis. Well. What? Well, it's Central Asia and Russia. Well, yeah. There's not much else in [ __ ] Russia, right? Central Asia. No thanks. Yeah. Do do horse moms feed their young? Of course. Yeah. So, then that's that's horse milk, right? Okay. So, then why don't we drink more horse milk and make horse cheese if it's so [ __ ] amazing? Oh yeah. Would you try horse cheese? I'll try anything once.
You know what I really want to do, and I, I haven't pulled the trigger yet because there's this guy on uh YouTube who I watch who just, he works in like a cheese shop, and he just talks about like, "This is the cheese we got today," and he like cuts it open. He, he has such a passion for like the cheese, and then he has like butter and all this stuff. And remember how you guys had the water sommelier? Oh yeah. I want to have the cheese guy on. Not today, pal. But I think I, I don't know if people would, I think people might hate it to just watch me and Jamie eat cheese for a half hour. But I want to do it so bad. But I'm like, I, I just don't want to bore people. But when you hear this guy talk, can you find? It's like Beverly Hills Cheese Shop. If you find this guy, he, it just, when somebody's so passionate. Yeah. He's just so stoked on the subject. I, I get it. When you're. That's why we loved Martin, the water sommelier, because he was so passionate about. So passionate. See, you. It's this guy. It's. It's that not that guy. The other guy. To the. That first guy. Yeah, he is the man. This guy, Alex. And this cheese right here from Krauss. It's called Alex. It just feels his whole life. Super artisan alpine. Uh, Krauss is known for being very, uh. I want that slice. Very organic and very back to the land with their farming practices. Yeah. This is a cheese, hazelnut, chocolatey, alpine style cheese that is going to go really nicely with white wine. Um, I especially love this type of alpine with white burgundy or any other Chardonnay that has just a little bit of alcohol.
Okay. I can't watch it. You know why? Could you imagine if I was dating a prison girl and she saw me watching this? She'd be like, "What the [ __ ] are you watching?" I'm sorry. It's the cheese guy. I couldn't. Yeah. Why don't you like it? Why don't you like it? You know what it is for me? Dairy is very, uh, personal and shameful. I eat cottage cheese in private because I don't like other people watching me. Dairy, too. I'm very weird about public cheeses. Like, I know he's wearing his glove, but then he put the piece of cheese out, and this dirt, dirt bag puts his open palm out, and he gets a palm full of cheese.
Yeah. It's not very sanitary. I don't know. Cheese is mucus to me. It's like hard mucus. And I prefer to eat this privately. This is not a public thing. Cottage cheese. I understand because cottage cheese is gross. But like that, like I love. I find that like sexy. Yeah. A nice wheel of cheese. Like a nice big wheel of parm. Oh. Oh.
Do you think you know? I'm sure you can just buy a big wheel. How much do you think? There's cheese shops. I, I've bought like giant things of cheese. You bought a whole wheel. You bought a wheel of cheese? I burgled. You burgled? I burgled a whole cheese before. You can buy. Oh, [ __ ] hard. There's like $5,000 wheels of cheese. That's bananas, dude. Can you look up? Yeah. How much is a wheel of parm? A wheel. Parmesano Reggiano. $3,000. Yeah. Imagine you got that for someone for their birthday. If I showed up to your birthday party just carrying a big wheel of cheese and I'm like, "She's gonna love this." Well, because you know in the Italian restaurants, they put the pasta in there and then they cheese the pasta that way. I think those are fake Italian restaurants. I don't think real Italians would be okay with that. In Italy. You don't think they do it that way? But they could even do it in Italy, but I think it's like a tourist trap. I don't think real genuine. I don't think Nona. I don't think Nona is throwing the thing in the wheel. Yeah. That's okay. I like it. Mommy likes her. I think soft cheese is gross. I think hard cheese is dope. It's all disgusting cheese. I know that parm looks sexy to me. You know what my favorite is? When you go to a good Italian restaurant and they give you free cheese when you right when you sit down. Wa! I'm like, "This is class." It really is. When you're like, "This is free." Free. Just like [ __ ]. Oh my god. And they're like, "Yeah, if you want more, we'll bring it." Like, "Wow." Yeah. That's when I'm really. Wow. I'm at my peak. Yeah. You know when I get really like excited is when they give you butter, but it's got salt on it. And then you're like, "Wait, this is free?" Like, that's fancy butter. Or when it's like it's got like chives or some [ __ ] in there, and you're like, "Whoa, dude. This isn't regular butter." They took time. And then now that there's YouTube, you could watch people make that kind of butter on, and you're like, "Oh, that's so easy. I thought it would." Like, they take the butter, they put it in the microwave for 30 seconds. They, they, they put like the stuff in it, mix it around, and put it back in the fridge. And then it's just, it's like infused butter. But it seems brilliant.
Bro, I've learned so much from TikTok. Like, I learned how to make full Korean food. I've learned how to draw. I've learned how to do like, uh, papermâchéing. Yeah, you can [ __ ] learn anything now on. Do you watch all, like, what type of people do you watch? Like, who do you like to learn from? Well, the experts, obviously. But is there anything that you're drawn towards, like, like men, women, Asian? Like, what do you, what do you feel comfortable learning from? That's really interesting. That's, wow. I never thought about that, but that's true. Back. Because we all have a bias towards. I, I really feel like Asian men know what's up. Um, they're calm. They're calm in their approach. They're knowledgeable, and I also, I whenever there's an Asian man talking, I listen. Now, I'm also racist when it comes to my doctors. You want Indian? How'd you know? Cuz they're the best, right? Aren't they? Yeah. I think Jewish doctors are good, too, right? Jewishes and Indians. Indian. Yeah. Yeah. But when I was sick with the the chesticular cancer, it was all Indians.
Really? Yeah. Did you have to kick any non-Indians out? Oh, I wouldn't even go visit like a non-ethnic. But did you ever try and bring one in the room and you were like, "No, no, no. Yeah, sorry." No, I wish that'd be funny. So, who do you trust most with your information? Uh, I don't know if it's a trusting, but I do need somebody who's like calm. Like, I need somebody who is like, or. There's this guy I watch who does like a financial thing. If, if you ever watch him, and he has like, he's an Asian guy, but he has like a real attitude where he's like, like he's like, "You don't know that." Like, you know, his name is Clear Value Tax, if you want to look him up, and he just talks about like the stock market, and he'll be like, he's like, "All right, the jobs report is out today." Uh, and he's like angry, and it makes me laugh, but also like gives you. And I like that. But, but I need somebody who's like very chill and like calm and not gonna. Yeah. Is that him? This guy. Yeah. How to build wealth faster. Even smart people miss this. I love that. He wears like nice suits and stuff, but he just, if you, if you just play like 5 seconds of a clip, if you see that, he does like annoyed right off the bat. It's video. I want to talk to you about financial opportunities that can fast track wealth. So these are. Yeah. He's already the demeanor is like, "Come on, you [ __ ] dummies." Yeah. And I like it because it, it, it, I'm never bored watching him where other people, when you just feel like you're learning, where with him, I'm like, "Oh, I can't wait to see what pisses them off." Yeah. And I'll tell you who I don't like to learn papermâchéing from is is really slow-talking older white women who are in their craft corner. I'm like, "I don't want to hear this, Martha. It's going to take you [ __ ] way too long to get the thought out. I like to now, now, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Give me the information."
What? What is you, you papermâché now? I do everything. What is? What is papermâchéing? I don't even know. I'm not even confident. Now that I'm an artist, I've, I've sold art. I, I draw. I do pastels. Oil pastels. And now I started, um, you know, [ __ ] what's this [ __ ] called? Molding. Origami. Claying. Clay molding. Yeah. I make stupid [ __ ] like this. Papermâché. See, mommy, I got to tell you, when you were, when you were like drawing and doing your stuff, I was very supportive and I really like it. I don't like, I don't like this. This is, like, dirty to me. When you start keeping these things in your house, you become dirty. Like, in a year from now, they're going to be like, covered in dust and gross, and I don't want you doing that.
Can I tell you something? You're not wrong. I don't like this. I'm, I'm already upset with myself because I've bought mannequins from Amazon. I'm putting papermâché on mannequins. And it's like, wet. You have to use like wet. Stop this. I agree. Do a different thing. I'm gonna throw out the mannequins, and I'm just gonna go back to drawing and and painting. Very cool. When you were doing that. Thank you. Yeah, that's awesome. Like, that's like respectful. This is like. This is like. This is like dirt. Yeah. I feel like I think the homeless people in New York City used to do this. They used to papermâché. I love papermâchéing though. It is fun. It's. I don't. This really. This puts like a sour. This is like being at the airport for me. I don't like this. It really makes me upset. And none of them are good.
Well, that's cuz these are like the [ __ ] ones. Like, if you get on TikTok and you really [ __ ] look up some papermâché stuff, like these [ __ ] can make some really incredible pieces of art. But. I don't. I don't. Yeah, I agree. It's kind of like it's annoying. It's too messy. The wedding. The wedding. Like, what are you, what are you collecting newspapers to do this? You got. And I was, and I was, I was like, "Don't throw out the Amazon packaging. I'm going to make some papermâché."
Let me save you right now. You're done with this. You're going to go home today, or call if you have somebody working at your house right now, like a nanny, call them now and tell them throw it all out. So when you get home, you don't even have to think about it. Cuz I don't. I don't want you doing this. I don't like this. No. And Tom, you were doing your. You had your gardening, you got your cat. I'm supportive of all of it. This is no good for you. I'm in. It's my era of hobbies, Rob. I got to stay home. You skip this one. I'm fine with all your other hobbies. I think they're awesome. When you were making your goth room in your house, you showed me the. Bad. Awesome. But th this is really, uh, lame.
Okay. Well, can I tell you something? I'm going to listen to your advice because right now in my bedroom, Tom's been gone for two weeks. I've got boxes of right by the door of [ __ ] boxes. Like, I said, the mannequins. There's a, there's a mannequin in a box. I have. This is really. This is what attracts mice. My grandpa used to say when he didn't like something you were doing, he'd be like, "That's how the mice come." And you're like, "All right, I'm done." No, they love like cardboard and paper. You got to stop. They're going to find like a. Remember when they cleared out? All right, I'm going to [ __ ]. I'm throwing it out now. Remember when they cleared out the like Venice tents and they found like rat nests under? That's what they're going to find in your in your room. You can't do that. I know. It really makes me miss that show Hoarders. Remember? That was so good. Yeah. Hoarders is [ __ ] class. The, the key to being a hoarder is that you have to be willing to live in your own feces. You have to live in [ __ ] cuz that's all they. They live in like rat [ __ ], their own [ __ ]. There's just [ __ ] everywhere. See, I love the people who like would have to climb through their place to like find stuff. But as soon as somebody was like, "I [ __ ] in a bucket and I was done." I can't. I can't. Then you're just a [ __ ]. You're. It just became not. I remember like your the stages. There was different types. If you had pathways to things, you were like a contained hoarder. Like, if there were still pathways, you were okay. But. I remember some of them, they found dead cats when they were 75 of them. 75. Yeah, they found cat skeletons. Mommy, no papermâché for you. I think the first step to this is papermâché. This is horrible. But I can make a pumpkin for Halloween. Yeah, that has to. And then you're like, you can't throw these out because. And it's like, what? They're garbage. Stop it. That's what I'm doing. And I'm convincing myself that the kids are going to paint the papermâché pumpkin I made. Guess what? I made that pumpkin a month ago. Nobody's [ __ ] painted it. Anything. Let me save you here. I'm very supportive of all your hobbies. I get, I get to, uh, what do you call it? Cancel one. I could just. Please. This is. That's horrible. Papermâchéing. This is good. You're like dipping newspapers in.
Hold on. Is that a dealbreaker if you were to date a new lady? 100%. If on her, if on her dating profile she's like, "Oh, my free time, I like the papermâché." Done. X. Swipe left. I can't do it. What about? What about a urine drinker? Hold on. She drinks it for health. Is this an either or thing? Papermâché or urine drinking? Yeah, this is a separate thing. A separate thing then? No. But if I have to choose papermâché or drink urine, like maybe she's like on the cutting edge of something with the urine. But you have to kiss her. French kiss her. Cuz honestly. But she's hot. Okay. But I was thinking about this with with Tim, like, what if Tom now in his health craze, in addition to the sauna, the cold plunge, and he's like, "You know what, babe? You got to drink your own urine." And he starts drinking his piss. And I'm like, "Yo, I got to [ __ ] kiss that mouth."
But is he making you drink yours or he's just drinking his and he doesn't care what you do? Then? Then I don't think that would bother you after two weeks. I think you'd forget all about it. But then you have to kiss his. I kiss his mouth. Then so what? And the beard's going to smell like piss and everything's in the beard. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Clean the beard.
Okay. What about? What about if this girl is a a free bleeder? Like one of these period advocates? Do you know these chicks and they're like, "I'm not going to be confined by coex. I'm going to just bleed on my pants and stuff." I dated a girl who tried using like a cup, or I was like, "I don't want any part of this." I was done. As soon as she said it, there was a cup inside of her, I was like, "I'm just, I'm out." Again, I'm not like fiending for a relationship. So, as soon as I don't like something, you know, I'm like, "I'm not somebody who's like, 'Why am I not in a relationship?'" I fully know why. Because I'm like, I like being alone. And I have to find somebody who it's better than being alone. And I, hey, and and the older and crazier you get, I, I agree. This thought of yours is not wrong, my friend. And by the way, I don't go like, "I can do all this stuff." You can't. Like, if I said, "I have a cup in my ass," and you were like, "I'm out." I'd be like, "Yeah." You know what I mean? Fine.
Hold on. If you could theoretically put a period cup in in your vagina to catch the blood, can't you do a diarrhea cup for your butt? But diarrhea is so much. So what? Okay. Well, menstrual blood, you can put a big, a bucket in there. You could put a big bucket in your area. You could put like a, like a long condom length. Can't you put something in there? I would rather just diarrhea. Oh, wow. That's nobody's invented this. I, well, I think it's insane. Yeah. I, I think you'd sell one. Yeah. I don't know. You, you wouldn't be able to pay for the molding once you made one and somebody who's gonna buy. It's horrible. I, I could never.
Cuz think about it. Tried. You. You would have now you have this overflowing thing of diarrhea you have to pull out and clean, and it's, it's just too. Just diarrhea. I get so nervous about leaving the house. I, for a while. When you have diarrhea, you're saying? Yeah. Like, I, there was like a time in my life where I had really bad phobia of vomiting, and I would, this is like in my 20s. I was so anxious, and when I get anxious, I get the OCDs, and I was like, I'd count the hours after I'd eat stuff. So I'd be like, "Okay, I have four hours. I don't have food poisoning. I'm not going to vomit." And it got so bad that I was like, "Oh god, I just ate something. I can't get on the freeway." Like, I can't get on the freeway in LA, cuz what if I'm stuck in traffic and then I'll get diarrhea. You know what I mean? Like, there has to be a solution for diarrhea on the run. But it was. It was growing up, you were worried about or diarrhea? Both. Both. Then it, then it went to diarrhea. But why is there no solution for diarrhea? There needs to be like a diarrhea diaper. There has to be something.
I think it's just a diaper. I think a diaper is a diarrhea diaper, right? Like, little kids are always [ __ ]. It's true. Like, yeah. I think just wear a diaper if you want. Oh, wow. You know, it just had a pajiski effect. Like, I didn't think I could wear a diaper for anything other than pissing in, and now you're telling me I could diarrhea in it as well. Well, yeah. I mean, there's only one other thing you could also do that. What? Pooping. Yeah, you could poop in. You could poop in a diaper.
Isn't that crazy how your brain gets stuck in one place and you're like, "But I can't. This thing is for this thing only." Like, I came to. You were texting the other day about you had one. And then I, and then I was like, "Yeah, I had this epiphany that I can listen to Christmas music any time of the year, right?" It's not just relegated to December. But then does it still make it like as good when December comes around? Yeah, because I, I want to listen to it more. I love it. Okay. Now, I listen to it all the time. But do you have it mixed in with like other songs or is it like? No, it's Christmas specific. I, I'm like, um, autistic where I listen to the same music. There's no deviation. My kids tell you exactly what I listen to. All the same [ __ ] thing. Wait, no. Tell me. Tell them your pajitki effect. So, I had two in the same spot. So, it was when I was doing like my dishes or washing my hands in the kitchen sink, I, I would get water everywhere like every time. And it was like a. I got, and then it would like leave stains sometime of like trailing on the counter like the water, and I'm like, "I forgot to like wipe it up." Or it was a. And then I realized I'm like, "Oh, I don't have to put the water on full blast." Like, I could just put the the faucet on halfway. Right? But, but now I, like, I realized that, and I still every time I put the faucet on, I go full blast, and then the water's going on. I'm like, "Oh, I can, I could turn it halfway down." And then the other thing was I have so I have my bathroom sink, and that's where I have a soap dispenser, and I keep the soap refill under there. So I fill it up, whatever. But I also have a soap thing in my kitchen, uh, on my kitchen sink. But sometimes that would get empty, and I'd be like, "I got to go fill it up," and I'd be like, "I don't feel like filling it up right now." So I would just wait, and then I'd be like, cooking later in the day, and I'd be like, "Oh, I didn't fill it up, and now I can't wash my hands." It's this whole thing. But I realized I could buy another soap refill and put that under my kitchen sink. Yeah. So then I can just fill it up because I don't want to go in the. Yeah. Anytime. And by the way, my bathroom is 20 feet away. I just go, I don't want to do it. And I'm like, "I can't go in the bathroom and get the thing, you know?" I'm like, [ __ ] it. And then I just have an empty soap thing for days. But now I'm like, "Oh, no, I could keep one under here." And it's changed my whole life. I know. This is stupid. You're like, "I could just do that thing." And now I'm [ __ ] [ __ ]. So dumb. I'm like, "Wow, this is really nice."
Well, you know what I just figured out, too? Um, you know, when I wash my hair and my hair is wet and my body's wet, I get out of the shower. I can bring two towels, one for my hair, one for my body. Yeah, that's a life-changing moment. It really is. I, that happened to me when I was like 30, and I did it, and I was like, "Wait a minute." I was I.