Transcription
[Music] I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with some hurtful comments from my boyfriend's inner circle, um, as it pertains to like my self-confidence and self-image, and how do I move past that?
>> Yeah. What happened?
>> Yeah. So, I can just provide some context. So, um, we've been going together pretty quickly. So, like, we got together three years ago, and we're living together now, and everything up until this point has been really great.
>> But um, that is so not quickly, Emily. That's forever.
>> No, really.
>> 3 years.
>> Yeah, it feels like it's been so quick.
>> What's he waiting for?
>> Trust me, I don't even know. And I think this situation might have something to do with it. I'm not really sure. So,
>> yeah, I'm not really sure. So, like, um, he had this like really tight inner circle before we started moving in together.
>> Um, and then once we moved in, they kind of just like dropped off. They don't really come by as much anymore. And I had asked him about it just because it has obviously been on my mind, hey, why aren't your friends come by? Like, your family doesn't come by that much, etc. And um, I had to really grill it out of him, but he said that, um, they make jokes about how I look. And basically, like my parents, and I think it made him uncomfortable. And so that's drawn like a wedge between their relationship. Um, and so some of the stuff that they said, I mean, they come from like his father and his, his friend he's had for like 13 years. And it's all about my weight. Like, the first thing his dad said, and this is what stuck to me, was, um, when I guess my partner showed him pictures of me, was like, "Oh, I didn't know you were into fat girls."
>> And then his,
>> Yeah. And then his friend would say stuff like, um, "She's definitely got an extra push in for the cushion. Like, I didn't realize this was the type of person you're into."
>> Um, and he's been like withholding that information. Like, I literally had to pry it out of him because up until this point, like, no one has come by, and I think he's just trying to like protect himself and protect me.
>> But, um,
>> Can I reframe this for you?
>> Yeah.
>> Um, I don't, I don't think that every idiotic thing that his dad says, or every idiot idiotic thing that his buddies say, um, needs to just be on a pipeline right to you.
>> Yeah. I do like that he drew some pretty firm boundaries and said, "I choose her, and if y'all are going to be disrespectful, then y'all are out."
>> And so I want you to reframe this. I get that, man, that changes everything for you.
>> Yeah.
>> Um, and but I want you to let me say it this way. The, the perfect world that you wanted, which is he's going to keep his inner circle of friends, I'm going to become, we're going to be one big happy friend family, and then I'm going to be really close to his parents, and it's going to be this beautiful picture. That picture's over.
>> But I want you to see the other side of it, which is he chose you. He chose you.
>> I feel like really bad though, and like really guilty. Like I've been extra like it.
>> Why would you take that on? He hasn't put that on you. You're, you're, you went into his backpack. There was nothing in there. So you went in the backyard and you put bricks in your own backpack. Why would you do that?
>> Well,
>> Those guys suck. They're not good men.
>> Yeah.
>> They disparaged him in front of his face. They disparaged the woman that he is probably going to spend the rest of his life with. And he said, "I'm out."
>> Do I have a reason to like question who he was when I wasn't in the picture, or should I just say this is like a sign of a good man?
>> You can say whatever you want. I know I'm a radically different guy than I was.
>> Yeah.
>> And I know, I think I've told this on the show, but I, I had a list that I made when I was 18 years old at the very wrongheaded advice of a mentor. And it was the 10 things that would be non-negotiables for the person I spend the rest of my life with. I'm coming on 26 years with the same person, including marriage and dating. She had two of the 10.
>> And one of them was be a pretty woman.
>> She had one, one characteristic.
>> Yeah.
>> Right. And so, um, no, I mean, I mean, I would hope he would change. I would hope that he has a really like firm belief about this, a political thing, and then he meets somebody who shows him a different side, a different way to interpret, different way to see something, and he changes his mind. And so maybe he was an knuckle-headed man and said, "Beauty is only in this category, only looks like this." And then he met somebody else and he was like, "Oh my gosh, I was wrong. Beauty is way different than I had pegged it." Maybe.
>> I told him I wasn't like upset about because I know he felt awkward to say it.
>> Yeah.
>> And I was like, "Oh, I'm not upset. I'm not triggered." Like, it's their opinion. It doesn't matter. But like internally, right? Like, it's like I've worked so hard to get past these thoughts of feeling like, "Oh, I'm not worthy because of my size." And, and it's just like, those comments brought me right back to where I started. And I don't want to let them, you know, like, I don't want to let them know that I'm like upset, but it's like, it's, they're ruminating in my head, you know?
>> So, flip it around. You, when you, you're frustrated at him for quote unquote keeping this from from you.
>> A little bit, but.
>> I know, but you're doing the same thing back to him.
>> Don't do that.
>> Okay?
>> Because here's the deal. He can feel your tension.
>> Yeah.
>> He can feel you look over his shoulder to see who's texting to see if it's his dad or if it's this other long-term buddy of his.
>> Yeah.
>> He can feel you when you're when you're like, "Hey, what are you doing this weekend?" He's like, "No, I'm just going to hang out with you." And you're like, "God, man." He can feel it. And you know what he's going to do? He's going to blame himself.
>> Yeah.
>> Don't do that.
>> And it's like, I, I don't know if it's, they know that I know. So it's like when I see them, there's this like unspoken tension, you know? And I don't know how to get past that either.
>> You go right through it. You go right through it.
>> I don't bring it up that I know.
>> Do what?
>> I don't bring it up that I know. I just try to stay strong and not let it get to me.
>> Why? Why? That's that's a facade. It got to you.
>> Yeah.
>> Don't be a person who lacks integrity. And in integrity, the the root is integer. It means whole. Don't become part of yourself around other people.
>> Mhm.
>> Right. Yeah.
>> And maybe that, and for some people, like for me, that's making a joke.
>> I had bad acne in high school, and so I would make a joke when people, when I hear people were making fun of me.
>> Where were you last night? I was like, "Well, my my zits were too crazy." And they would kind of go, "Oh gosh." Right? That's the way I would handle it.
>> Some people say, "I just don't want to be around you." Some people say probably it was their weird awkward way of trying to connect with him and say something funny that was kind of mean but kind of funny, and it didn't work.
>> Yeah.
>> You know what I mean? Like, like I remember a buddy of mine got like a really, really nice car, and several of us stood out around the car, and we just were like, "Man, I, I never would have bought that car. That's embarrassing for you. But good, good for you, man." Like, and it was just, it was us being awkward and us being trying to be funny, and it wasn't.
>> Mhm.
>> You know what I mean? And I know a human's not a car. And I know, I know the sensitivities and the joke. I get that.
>> Yeah. I have like, I'm overthinking too, cuz now it's like, as soon as he said that, like maybe this is just me ruminating, but like the pictures on the social media, like he doesn't post them anymore. Like, it's, I feel like I'm not crazy, but I feel like something changed, and I don't know what it is. Like, it's like since they said that, it's like I feel like he might not be as like wanting to show me off. I feel like those comments maybe also be getting to him, and I'm trying to avoid that. Like, really, I'm trying not to, you know.
>> And I'm going tell you, avoidance is going to, is going to melt this relationship from the inside out.
>> But what do I like, I don't know if I like bring it up and say, "Hey, these actually do bother me. I'm still thinking about it like a couple weeks later. It's not going away." And.
>> Yes. Yes. You sit down with him and say, "Hey, you know, I love you. You know, you're my guy, and I've been keeping a secret from you." And all of this conversation, you use the word I, because just on its merits, I think what he did was pretty, pretty dang noble. He picked you.
>> Yeah. And I think you saying, for some reason, I feel have guilt in my soul that you don't have these relationships anymore, or they've gotten real thin, and you chose me, and I'm really grateful that you chose me. But how's your, that was your guy? That was your dad. And I, I spun back out. But here's the thing. Can I ask you a real hard question that's going to give me a lot of mean stuff on the internet?
>> Yeah. Uh, no. Um, not really.
>> No, no, no. Can I ask you a question?
>> Yeah.
>> What is it about what they said that has hit home with you? Take him out of the picture. Have you wrestled with your weight your whole life?
>> My whole life.
>> Okay. Because a lot of times the thing that we're the most self-conscious of, the thing that we have gone to war with our whole life, we wear a pair of glasses, and that's all we see in the world, and that's all we go looking for. So when somebody makes one comment, one joke, we, we were waiting for it because it justifies our belief in our self.
>> Yeah. Like the unworthiness.
>> That's right. And so you don't believe you're worthy of even being in this relationship, of having a guy that's going to dedicate three years to you, of being married to anybody.
>> Yeah.
>> And so you go through every second of every minute of every day looking for somebody to say a thing to justify the way you feel about yourself.
>> Yeah, I think that's spot on. How do I stop that?
>> You have to decide because you're looking for external validation.
>> Okay.
>> And you're looking for external critique. You have to decide from the inside out. And can I tell you something that is very not PC and very not cool to say?
>> Yeah.
>> You have to get to the bottom of why you don't love yourself.
>> And you have to get to the bottom of if your weight is something, your health is something you want to deal with, why has it been so hard to deal with? Like, this just brings me back to like my mom like would criticize me and say, "You don't need to eat that."
>> That's right.
>> Yeah.
>> And so you have. Here's the way I heard the great Terry Real, um, give some wisdom to a client one time, and I'll pass it along to you. You have a, you have a picture of your mom?
>> Yeah.
>> Okay. I want you to take a small picture of your mom. I want you to print it out or put it right there on your phone. And every time, um, you're about to go out with your boyfriend, and you're standing in front of the mirror, and you just want to disappear because you don't like how you look.
>> Mhm.
>> I want you to pull that picture out. And I want you to look at it, and I want you to talk directly to your mom. And I want you to say, "Hey, Mom, I'm about to have less fun with a man who says he loves me because I'm going to choose to believe you and the hate you spewed my whole childhood over him. Thanks, Mom. I choose you today." And you're going to feel ridiculous when you do that.
>> But at some point, you're going to have to say out loud, "What Mom said to me and did was wrong, and it hurt, and I refuse to carry that into future relationships."
>> Mhm.
>> That's going to be, that's really hard.
>> I know it is because it protects you. It protects you. That anger and that rage and those pair of glasses. Who's about to hurt me? Who's about to hurt me? Cuz the one woman that was supposed to love all of you didn't. And by the way, she probably was trying. She just did it the wrong way.
>> Mhm.
>> How old are you?
>> I'm 30.
>> Hey.
>> Too old for this stuff.
>> No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This stuff, I've talked to 70-year-olds who are still struggling with body dysmorphia. Like, it's not.
>> Oh my god.
>> But listen, doesn't go away.
>> It, no, you got to go through it, sister. But listen to me. Um, in the late '90s, like skinny was healthy. That was the, that was what everyone was told.
>> Yeah.
>> And the only way to be seen as loved back in the late '90s was to be thin. That's what we were all told. And so, in a weird, awkward, not healthy way, your mom probably tried.
>> Yeah.
>> And she hurt you. Maybe she was evil. Maybe. I don't know. But all I'm telling you now is at 30, still carrying all this around, still letting her speak into your life, still letting some one of your boyfriend's old bros speak into the woman who's looking in the mirror. I was going to tell you, man, set that crap down. They don't get a vote.
>> Yeah. And.
>> If you are not happy with your with your aesthetic, if you underneath the aesthetic are not happy with your health, if you truly have challenges with your weight, then I want you to say, "I am worth getting to the bottom of these challenges." And not just scrolling Instagram and not just finding online diets, but actually get some help and care. Both of those things are true.
>> Yeah. I mean, you're so right. I, it, and it's crazy because I do feel like I have grown a lot since, you know, my childhood being bullied and stuff, but like those comments just brought me right back to where I started.
>> That's exactly right. That's exactly right.
>> Does that ever stop?
>> When you, when you decide.
>> And here's what's crazy. Okay, I'm going to take some, I'm going to give you, um, um, a scenario that's way outside of what's happening here, just so you can experience it. Okay.
>> Mhm.
>> The worst thing that can happen to a parent in the world is them to, is for a parent to lose a child, right? It's not the way it's supposed to be. Children are supposed to bury their parents, not the other way around. A very common thing that happens is especially in a well, in any situation, is what I call a lightning bolt will pop into the mind of a parent after the funeral of their child, in a casket of their child, in a funeral home. And that's their body's way of trying to keep the parent safe moving forward, to remember the worst thing that ever happened so that we can all stay safe. It's built into us.
>> But when that lightning bolt comes into a parent's head, when that picture snaps into their head, they are faced with an instantaneous choice. Do I want to meditate on the worst moment of my life? Or do I want to immediately say, nope, and switch to a photo in my head, a movie that's going to play in my mind that I have ready to rock and roll of my kid driving his big wheel around and us laughing? Or like the other night when my daughter was trying to figure out how high she could pull my eyelids up and we were laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. I get to pick which one of those, which one of those things I meditate on.
>> Mhm.
>> And so you are, you are overweight?
>> Um, like, not really.
>> Okay.
>> But kind of like my BMI is is, but like I lift, like I'm, I'm a weightlift.
>> Yeah. My BMI is all jacked up too. And I'm just got the guy had to turn the stress test off on me the other day. He's like, "You just got the highest stress test in my office ever." Now, my doctor worked mostly with geriatrics. I kind of cheated. But you know what I mean? So here's the deal. You know the truth.
>> Yeah.
>> But as Brené Brown says, if you go looking for places in the world where you don't belong, 100% you're going to find them.
>> Oh my god.
>> Okay. So, I'm going to ask you, turn the radar off.
>> Turn it off. Yeah.
>> It's not serving you anymore. And when somebody makes a comment, when you feel like this shirt's too big, I mean, too small. I don't look good in these shorts anymore. I just saw my boyfriend, and he saw me in short shorts, and he glanced away real fast. It must be because, fill in the blank. Whatever story you're going to make up.
>> You have a choice in that moment.
>> Okay?
>> Am I going to meditate on, I've always been gross. I'm, look at this. Look at my butt. Look at my cellulite. Look, I'm just trying to come up with the most egregious stuff, right? I'm going to just go down that rabbit hole. Or I'm going to instantly insert that photo in my mind, the first time I turned a corner and I caught him looking at me and he couldn't breathe, and you know you've had those moments too, right?
>> I, yeah.
>> You get to pick what you meditate on.
>> Okay.
>> Okay. And if somebody says something that is crude and disgusting and disturbing.
>> And he just blows by it, that's probably not the guy for you.
>> Yeah.
>> If a man is willing to cut ties with a 13-year friendship because you're not going to talk about my future wife that way.
>> That's a guy I'm going to probably, going to probably going to consider building a house with.
>> Really?
>> Yes.
>> So, his response was good. It's just not nice comments all around that I'm just meditating on.
>> I think you're looking for a reason to end this relationship because, um, you want to be justified in your discomfort and the vulnerability of moving forward and making a relationship with somebody that you can't believe loves you more than you love yourself.
>> Right. That's exactly it. You're getting me to cry.
>> Then stop.
>> That's exactly it. Like, it's like I don't feel like I deserve someone like that, you know?
>> Hey.
>> I think you do. You a good person?
>> I think so.
>> Nope. Are you a good person?
>> Yeah. Yeah. I care a lot about things. I care really deeply. You know, you treat people. I am so upset. Yeah.
>> Do you tip well?
>> Oh, yeah. I was a server my whole life.
>> There you go. Whenever, um, you're walking out of your office building and you see the custodian, are you kind to them?
>> Oh my gosh. Yeah.
>> Okay. You treat your boyfriend really well?
>> Yeah, he's like my best friend.
>> Well, that's just weird. But do you love him?
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Okay. Do you love? Well.
>> I think so. I mean, sometimes I fight, but.
>> Well, we all do. I want you to honor Emily as much as you honor the custodian as you walk out the building. And I want you to love Emily as much as you love the people that work for you in your office building.
>> Okay?
>> And this means you're going to have to start a new relationship with Emily that is based not on the, the stories we're told as kids start to become our experiences, and over time they become the stories we tell ourselves. We just tell them in our own voice. So Mom says, "Hey honey, quit eating that."
>> "Hey honey, go change that shirt. It's too tight. You want that boy to think you're cute, right?"
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That becomes the voice that you tell yourself the stories in.
>> Okay.
>> And here, that's, and that sucks. But here's what's awesome about it. You get to tell yourself new stories if you want to.
>> Okay.
>> And it's scary.
>> Yeah.
>> Can I ask you a real honest question?
>> Yeah.
>> Are you beautiful?
>> No, I don't think so. I think sometimes like.
>> Emily, do you think you're beautiful?
>> Um, yeah. I'll say yeah.
>> Well, don't say it just for me. Does he think you're beautiful?
>> Yeah.
>> Okay.
>> But I don't think myself like I don't feel that way about myself. Like there's a lot I, I feel like I could be doing better.
>> Okay, I want you to explore that and probably need to go talk to somebody. And for whatever it's worth, I've started struggle with body image my entire life, and I talked to a couple different people right now. Okay? It's tough. It'll haunt you. But I want you to care for Emily as much as you care for everybody else. Cuz at the end of the day, you can't get what you don't have. And your cup's pretty empty, and you're just running around your life exhausted looking for reasons why the cup is empty, and they can't fill it up from the outside. It'll never get filled up from the outside. And in a weird way, it shouldn't be able to be drained from the outside either. I want you to write 35-year-old Emily a letter tonight all by yourself. And I want you to start the letter with, "My beautiful." Here's the things I started to do in when I was 30. The work I started to do to fall in love with Emily for the first time so that we could give and accept and anchor into love that was bigger than us. If you don't hear anything else, symbol you're worth being loved. And you're worth being loved really, really well. And don't keep secrets. Sit down with your boyfriend, tell him that you're hurting. Tell him that the whole thing feels weird, and then believe him if he says, "Hey, I chose you." Cuz I want you to choose you, too.