Transcription
I'm Dr Orion terban and this is psyx Better Living Through psychology. The topic of today's short talk is make her work for it.
So, you've probably heard the fact that women disproportionately end relationships, like they break up and divorce at significantly higher rates than men do. Now, there are many, many reasons why that might be the case, but today I'm going to talk about a relatively unappreciated one. Namely, most women don't have to work for the relationships they have.
What do I mean by that? Women make men work for sex. They are not just handing sex out on street corners to all interested parties. Women demand that men be sufficiently attractive, which could take years of hard work. That they engage her emotions and demonstrate authentic interest for the person inside her body, and buy her drinks and meals, and make an effort, and wait until she feels ready, etc., etc.
On the other hand, men often do not make women work for investment. I mean that in a lot of cases, men are offering women relationships, resources, attention, and commitment on a silver platter. Men will jump through their own butts trying to give a woman what they think she wants in order to secure a sexual relationship with her. They surrender the duties and privileges of gatekeeping the relationship in their unwillingness to potentially jeopardize the sexual opportunity.
Now, relationships aren't much different from many things in life. It's easy come, easy go. If it doesn't take much effort, if it doesn't take much sacrifice, if it doesn't take much resilience for a woman to secure a relationship with a man, she is not going to value it very much. This not only means that she is more likely to end a relationship she hasn't really worked for relative to a man, but that she will likely end a relationship sooner and with less provocation as well.
On the other hand, a woman who has worked to secure a relationship and has done so at some cost to herself isn't going to throw it away at the first sign of trouble. She is much more likely to try to make it work because she's pot committed. That's a term from poker. It means that you've already bet enough of your money that you functionally have to play the hand. For better or worse, most women are not pot committed because most men don't give them the opportunity to invest.
So, what can men do instead? I'm so happy you asked. Men, if your goal is to have a peaceful, satisfying relationship with a woman, you need a woman who really wants to be there. She needs to think that you are her very best option, and she needs to be highly attracted to you. When these two things are in place, she is going to perceive being with you to be intrinsically valuable and a privilege, and this will motivate her to make an effort to secure and maintain the relationship.
Remember, people don't think that things that are given freely are valuable. This is just how perception works. Like expensive things aren't necessarily better, but the more expensive something is, the more likely we think that it's good. Research has even shown that more expensive placebos are more effective than less expensive ones. This means that a woman cannot perceive your commitment to be free. In fact, the more expensive it is to her, the more valuable she will perceive it to be, and the more she will desire it. All things being equal, you have to make her work for it.
If you appreciate the insights on this channel, I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book, The Value of Others. Over the course of 432 pages, I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating. I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual marketplace. Once you read The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again. Now available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback formats. The links are in the description.
Now, the way to do that as a man in the sexual marketplace, the way to encourage women to make an effort, is to practice Catch and Release. Don't focus on women and absolutely do not target one to the exclusion of all others. Instead, focus on being attractive to many women, to ascending to your captaincy, to building an emotionally compelling lifestyle, to understanding seduction and intersexual dynamics. Women will circulate in your ambit, and if, like, you can initiate sexual relationships with them and just leave it at that. If a woman wants more, then she'll have to work for it, just like you had to work for it in order to get laid. It's actually kind of fair. Both sides get to gatekeep. It's just that in the modern age, where sex precedes commitment, women gatekeep first, which can lead less successful men to conclude that men don't gatekeep at all.
The legendary Patrice O'Neal had this great bit about how men like to fish for sport, which is very different from fishing for food. I'll put a link to his routine in the description. It's definitely worth checking out if you haven't seen it. They catch the fish because it's exciting and fun and pleasurable to catch fish, and then they throw it back into the water. Now, some fish are going to be upset at being put back into the water. They will feel as though they were just a passing object of the fisherman's fancy and resent being hauled out of their element. But to be fair, these fish often did little to hook the fishermen, which is why they were potentially thrown back into the water. They just thought it was enough to be caught, which isn't true.
However, every once in a while, some fish that was put back into the water is going to jump back into your boat. Now, men, you don't have to have a relationship with any old fish that jumps back into your boat. Again, women don't just give sex to every guy who makes an effort. But you absolutely should only choose to have a relationship with fish that jump back into your boat. These fish are making an effort and doing so at some cost or expense to themselves. After all, there are presumably other boats they could have potentially jumped into.
The benefits of doing this should be obvious. A fish that is chasing you isn't leaving you. Like, it's not physically possible to do both at the same time. A fish that is investing in you isn't criticizing you. It's very difficult for people to put something down that they've poured their heart and soul into. In fact, they will typically go out of their way to reframe their flaws and failures as features and virtues.
Men who insist that women demonstrate through their actions a repeated commitment to securing a relationship at some cost or expense are significantly more likely to end up with women who value the relationship. This is because these women literally created that value through their investment. Do not rob women of the opportunity to do this. Finally, these men also understand that any woman who balks at the necessity of making the effort does not really want the relationship and therefore is not worth the man's investment.
Women insist that you invest before sex, and sex in today's marketplace is insanely cheap. Men, you need to insist that women invest before commitment. It is the far more valuable commodity. A fish that doesn't want to jump back into the boat wants you to join it at the bottom of the sea. Don't let Sebastian fool you. It's better on the boat. It is better on the yacht than in the cold, dark ocean. And the fish know this. That's why they let themselves get caught. So, do not go down to the fish. Have the fish come up to you. And any fish that doesn't want to do that can keep swimming around in the ocean. They're not worth getting wet for.
Do you understand, men? This is your best chance of securing a loving and satisfying relationship with a woman. Choose someone who has made the consistent, repeated effort to choose you. Give her the opportunity to jump back onto the boat, and until that happens, don't take it personally if a fish swims away. Just keep on with the Catch and Release and enjoy your day on the water. It'll happen eventually.
What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message, as it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. And anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter or book a paid consultation can do so on my website. The links to everything are down below. As always, I appreciate your support and thank you for listening.