Transcription
When I was a kid, I was every advertiser's dream. I would see a toy or something that I wanted on TV or in a comic book, and oh man, I would just fall for it, you know? Hook, line, and sinker. I remember there was this one, you know, Army that I really wanted. I saw it in the back of a comic book, and it just captured my imagination. This thing had soldiers and ships and tanks; I mean, it had it all. I could have the best play war game on the planet, and it had this three-dimensional, like, Island set. I mean, I was in. I was in. And this was like 1973 or 1974. And so I had to clip the, you know, the order form from the comic book, stick it in an envelope with my $9.99, which doesn't sound like a lot now, but back then, 10 bucks was a lot of money. That took weeks and weeks and weeks for me to earn that kind of money at that age. And then the ad said I had to wait four to six weeks, but because I lived in Hawaii, it took months for that damn thing to arrive. Yeah, I was expecting a huge ass box, but what actually finally showed up was this teeny tiny little box. And as you might guess, what was inside was not what I was expecting. This is buyer's regret. Yeah, those toys were not what I had hoped for; they were extremely disappointing. And those advertisers knew they were misrepresenting their product, and I, as a kid, was just too much of a pride to admit to myself that I had made a terrible mistake. And I certainly wasn't going to admit it to my mother or my father or to anyone else. I was just going to go with it and act like this was exactly what I had in mind. And I played with that damn toy as much as I possibly could, but I knew every time I opened it up that it was a disappointment.
There is nothing like buyer's regret, especially for something you have such high expectations for. Buying a car, get it home after a few months, you realize maybe it was the wrong car, maybe you should have done more research. Buying a house, all excited, you think you're getting what you want, and it's not. Well, there is no buyer remorse quite like marrying the wrong woman. And I think that happens a lot more often than people realize. I remember seeing a survey where men, when asked if they had any regrets about getting married, over 50% said that they had, at some point, experienced some level of regret for getting married. So today we're going to talk about that. We're going to talk about why men regret it, and why secretly I think most men really would rather be single. So let's get into it.
If you've ever walked into a room through a door that automatically closes behind you, and then you go back to check and realize that door is locked, that's kind of what it's like when you realize you've married the wrong woman. There is a combination of terror and irrationality that hits you when you realize, I've got to figure this out, cuz I have no way out unless I can figure out how I'm going to get out of here. And that's kind of what it's like. I think the regrets that come are inevitable, even in a reasonably good marriage. I think a lot of guys still regret getting married, and it's not even necessarily about the woman; sometimes it's just about the institution itself. For example, I think that the lack of autonomy and independence that men feel when they get married is universal, and you don't notice it at first, cuz nobody gets married with the intention of being miserable. We all get married thinking we're going to be making our lives better. Um, after a couple of years though, you realize that this isn't any better than it was before. I mean, maybe you have a steady supply of intimacy, we'll say, you know, but that's becoming less and less frequent all the time. And now you're no longer a single person; you're no longer able to go out and be yourself by yourself. Every time you leave the house, or frequently, you're either checking in, checking out, or you're bringing someone along with you. So there's no sense of spontaneity. Your life now is revolving around this other person. Now maybe that's what people want; maybe that's something that people hope for and they expect, but I think most guys get into it not realizing that's going to happen to them, that they're now kind of chained to this other human being. They call it the ball and chain, and I know that that's sort of a half joke, but really, it kind of is a ball and chain because every time you move or go do something or don't do something or whatever, you're either having to get permission, give notice, or something, or bring her along. And no matter how much you love her, that gets tiresome. I mean, that truly gets tiresome after a while.
All relationships have some degree of stress. Just living in close proximity with another human being can be a little stressful for anyone. Well, when you layer on top of that all that goes along with being married, um, the stress associated with that relationship is extraordinary. It's unique; it requires a whole new level of, um, emotional maturity that most people are not aware they're going to need when they get into the relationship. Now, if both people identify this need for emotional maturity and are able to make strides toward it and achieving that level of emotional maturity, that's great, because I think there's a way to make it work. But I think that it catches most people off guard. And if both people, like I said, aren't on board with achieving this new level of emotional maturity, it gets pretty tiresome because now you're, um, in a relationship with somebody who, um, maybe is very self-centered, maybe she is very, um, not in accordance with the level of compromise that is necessary to make this relationship work, and she's just adding friction to everything that you do, everything that you say. It's just a constant pushback. Um, yeah, that that friction wears on you after a while. It really does; it gets really, really, really tough to even wake up in the morning sometimes when you know you're going to be dealing with somebody who is constantly pushing back against you. It turns into this lack of respect, then you know that once that lack of respect starts to occur, that she no longer loves you. So you kind of know in the back of your mind that you're in this relationship that's doomed. If you're experiencing that lack of respect on a regular basis, and, uh, yeah, all you want is out; you just want to get out.
Then there's the inevitable role that you take on as a husband, um, and you may have to take on a role as a father, too. So these are roles that you're going to have to learn and you're going to have to conform to, to some degree, because as a husband you're expected to behave in certain ways and provide certain amenities, almost like a hotel. Like when you go to an Airbnb, you expect there to be towels and sheets. Well, as a husband, you're expected to provide, you know, financial support, emotional support, and a lot of other kinds of, um, expectations. Like, for example, um, running errands, picking up things, doing, you know, chores, and doing it without any pushback. You just have to suck it up and just do it because that's what she wants done, and that really wears on you, too. Not having the ability to be your authentic self on a regular basis and just live your own life the way you would want to live it can be very limiting; it can make you feel like you're literally in prison.
Um, every woman that I've ever met has some vision for how her household is going to be, what her home is going to be like. They are nesters. Men, a house is a functional space; it's not necessarily a work of art; it's something we use as necessary to accommodate our needs for comfort and food. Women see it as some kind of a, like a museum, you know, like, or you go to an art museum, and, and they want it to be representative of who they are. Like if you walk into a woman's house and it looks crappy, she takes it personally. Um, it doesn't just have to look nice in terms of having nice furniture and nice things in it, but it's got to be clean and kept very, very orderly. And women take this stuff extremely personally. And if you can't conform to what her vision is of that house, well, your life is going to be miserable; not that it isn't already, but you're going to experience a lot more discomfort associated with that. Men love financial independence, and, um, when you're married, you lose, lose a little bit of your financial independence. You're going to have to deal with her needs for access to your money, and that can be extremely problematic because if you've got goals to save money for retirement or you have some vision for what you want to do with your money in the future, well, that may get pushed to the back burner while she's achieving whatever it is that she thinks she needs to do. And it could be anything from, you know, decorating the house, which of course is a primary, having an extra car, um, it could be, you know, additional babysitting services for children; it could be, um, vacations that she wants to take because she wants to post something on Instagram. But you get the idea; suddenly your money is at risk.
Now I know there's a lot of you guys saying, well, you just set up your boundaries and you just say this and that and you push them around. Well, you know that just leads to more and more misery; it literally comes down to your choice of either staying in the marriage or getting divorced. And of course, if you get divorced, well, then now your assets and maybe even your children are at risk. So the deeper you get into this relationship and you go along with it, the more committed you are to it financially, emotionally, psychologically, etc., the harder it is to get out; the harder it is just to say, screw this, I'm done, I'm leaving and go. Um, yeah, so I think there's a lot of guys out there that are really regretting their decision to get married.
One of the things that most men don't think they're going to have to face is emotional vulnerability. You think you've taken this woman on as a partner, and she's on your team, she's on your side, and she is, so long as everything's going the way she wants it to go. When things stop going her way, you're going to find that she has the ability to use tools that you didn't even know existed to cause you pain and discomfort. And one of them is by, um, attacking your emotions in ways that are, I don't know, they're diabolical, um, by withholding affection, by giving you the silent treatment, by, um, being critical, you know, by judging you, by nagging you, by showing disrespect, um, all of these little things, um, just eat away at your self-esteem. After a while, you know, they start to tear you down. And women can do this better than anyone; women are very good communicators, and they are very emotionally aware, so they know what words trigger which emotions. And if you've been living with a woman for a while, she knows you well enough to know what words are going to push your buttons, and she knows how to get an emotional effect from you that you didn't even know existed. And it's like a Jiu-Jitsu; it's like they can perform this emotional Jiu-Jitsu on you that will tie you up in knots and make you wonder what the hell you're doing with this insane person. Um, but like I said, once you're in, you're in, and it's really tough to get out. That door slams behind you.
I remember when we moved into our house a couple houses ago, so we were married, we get moved into this big ass house, basement's not finished, and we want to get it finished. Well, from our old house, we moved the what's known as a projection TV. And for those of you who have not seen one of these things, they are enormous. So this was like the first HD TV, and so I wanted to get one of these things to watch my football games on, and it was like 55 inches across, which by today's standards isn't that big, but back then, 55 inches was a lot. This was like in 2001, 2002, so it was a high-definition projection TV, and this thing weighed about 500 pounds, I kid you not, and it was huge; it was huge. It had this giant cabinet that it sat in. So the movers put that thing in the basement, cuz I knew that's where I was going to build my man cave in the basement. And so, um, you know, the construction guys came, and they finished out the basement and put up drywall and trim and carpeting, and the basement was just exquisite. I think we spent like 30 or $40,000; it was a great addition to the house, and I was excited as I could be to finally be able to crank up my TV, and that was great, and that went on for a few years, and it was a good, a good situation. But technology moved on, and it became apparent that these flat-panel TVs were a much better way to go. You know, the prices came down, and for, you know, $1,000, you could get a 60-inch TV or 65-inch TV, so it was relatively inexpensive. And so I said, I'm going to get one of these big ass TVs; I'm going to hang it on the wall. But now I had to get this giant TV out of the basement, and guess what? It wouldn't fit. Now, when they finished the basement, that TV was in it, and there was no getting it out of the basement in one piece. I had to literally take that thing apart to get it out. That's what marriage is like; it's like you've built your entire world around it, and now there's no way out, and, and you're going to have to take it apart; you got to take the whole thing apart to get it out, cuz, uh, you're in. Yeah, you're definitely in.
Once things start going bad, then you start wondering about infidelity. You start thinking, is she seeing someone else? I mean, if she's not having sex with you, she's not talking with you, now maybe she's spending a little extra time at work, maybe she's got some, uh, friends that you don't know very well that she's going out to see, and you're wondering, are you just being set up for the big fall? Is she already monkey branching to somebody else? So, as you can see, this whole marriage thing is loaded with reasons for regret. It's a full-time job. If you're going to get into a marriage, you've got to commit 100% all the time to it. And building your frame out long before you bring a woman into it, you have got to have created your world so solid and firm and, and unmovable that no matter what a woman does or comes into your world or how she comes into the world, you're in full control of all aspects of it. But if you're a young guy like I was, and you get married, and you're just happy, you know, she's willing to touch it and all that stuff, um, yeah, yeah, you're, your, your frame isn't strong enough; it's very easy for her to come in and start taking over. The next thing you know, she's, um, she's changing the, you know, the carpeting, she's changing the floor, she's nesting, and then she's kind of taking control, control of your house, and now she's giving you orders: Can you pick this up? Can you pick that up? Can you go here? Can you go there? And on one hand, you feel like you're just doing her a favor; you're just being cooperative; you're, you're on the team; you're doing your team job; you know, you're a player; you're just doing what you do to make sure everything goes well, until it finally comes down to the point where it feels like you've got to accommodate almost every wish to keep this person happy and off your back and not nagging you and not giving you a hard time about anything and everything. The lack of appreciation and the level of entitlement that she experiences is just unworldly, and you just don't figure out where the hell does this come from? Why didn't I see this when I met her originally? Where was all this bad behavior when we were dating? Yeah, it's not there.
So a lot of guys regret getting married. It is the worst kind of buyer's remorse. Yeah, you can feel bad about a toy when you're 10; you know, you can feel bad about a car when you're in your 20s or even a house when you're in your 30s or 40s, but all those things you can get over; all those things you can recover from. But if you got buyer's remorse about a wife, about a marriage, oh man, that's a tough one to get past. And the sad thing about the marriage is you don't know what you've got until you are several years into that relationship. Yeah, you could be married and living in that house with that car with children when that regret hits you, and you go, holy, what did I get myself into? How did I get here? So do what you can to avoid it. Like I say at the end of my videos, stay healthy; if you can, stay single, because man, there is nothing like being single. And I think that a lot of, a lot of married guys are experiencing that buyer's remorse. All right, you guys, that's all I got for you today. It is freezing out here today, and it's windy, so I'm going to cut this one short. Um, I hope you've enjoyed the video; if you have, please leave me some comments; you know, I enjoy reading them. And, uh, if you haven't already, please like and subscribe and share this video with any guys that you think that you know are thinking about getting married; maybe it'll get their wheels turning a little bit; maybe you can save a life. All right, you guys, thanks very much; stay healthy, and if you can, stay single.