Transcription
What's going on, boys? Today we're talking a little bit about INFJs, particularly their argumentation style when they have a problem with you, and what you can do about it.
Now, the first thing to remember about INFJs is most of their power comes from the people around them; not necessarily people who like them, but people who are around. Now, when an INFJ dislikes you and wants to inflict some kind of damage, they're going to start a drawn-out argument with you where people can see. If you've ever had issues with an INFJ, you'll notice they will rarely argue with you in private. If an INFJ argues with you in private, they are trying to work things out with you, and those arguments typically won't last very long. They'll say something hurtful but true, and then the ball is in your court. They aren't trying to damage you; they're giving you things—some information you might need to better yourself or fix something. If they hit you with something hard but brief in private, then leave you alone with it, you have very little to worry about.
When you need to be concerned is when an INFJ saves an argument for when other people are in the vicinity. When this happens, what they'll do is be just passive-aggressive enough for you to call them on it, and they already know you're going to call them on it. That's why they said it. Then, once you've engaged, they will put the onus on you. "Yeah, I'm acting like this, of course I am. How couldn't I? You said or did this." Now that's tricky, because they just changed the subject, and because you engaged, you took the bait; you bit. You're a little heated; you might not realize they did that, but now you're in a situation in which you're trying to justify yourself to them. And normally what you'll be trying to justify is something they've deemed bad—not necessarily wrong, because that isn't what they care about—but something other people will perceive as bad. If they thought you screwed up and wanted to help, they would have given you the quiet finger jab in private. That's not what they're doing. What they're doing here is giving you the rope to hang yourself with; they're getting you to prove you are engaged in any way with something a group—more than one person—would consider bad. Remember, they saved this for a moment around other people.
Now, after your first justification, they will intentionally misunderstand and get you to do it again and again and again. And if you aren't aware of what's happening, they will pull this off, because one of INFJ's strengths is the ability to communicate with people with their language. It's hard to explain, but have you ever noticed the phenomenon by which someone seems to use your vernacular, so you think they're on your wavelength? Discourse is the word we would use for that—one someone approaches you with your cultural or social form, so you think they're one of you, or you think they're like you. Normally that person would be, because those cultural/social forms are hard to key into, but INFJs are good at picking up on and playing into those things without actually being invested in those cultural or social forms; without actually being on your wavelength. Meaning they're going to make you think their fake misunderstanding is actual misunderstanding. They're going to bait you into repeatedly talking about the exact same thing because you think you're clearing up a misunderstanding, while they're trying to get you to say the words they need you to say to get what they want done.
Now, most of the time with most people, that strategy will work. They don't have backups, and I-types rarely ever have backups. However, if you manage to begin to turn it on them, they'll change the subject again. If they can't get you to say the words they need you to say, they can at least get you angry. That's why they're drawing this out; they're trying to make you look like an aggressor. If they can't make you look like a bad person in front of people, they can get you angry in front of people and make you look unstable.
Now, left unchecked, this strategy will go on until someone else steps in and tries to be a defender. Remember what humans are wired for: indignant mob violence. Once the INFJ has gotten you to trip the mob violence justification switch, it's over. If you defend yourself, people perceive you as an aggressor. If you turn on other people, you are an aggressor. If you run away, you're guilty.
Now, this standard INFJ strategy differs from the standard ENFJ strategy in that ENFJs are much faster. I still don't understand how they do it, but ENFJs are good at tripping that mob violence switch a whole lot faster without needing you to go through all these steps. If an INFJ is quicksand and they get you to sink into this pointless conflict, an ENFJ is a judo master; they'll take one thing, flip you on your ass, then sic all the dogs on you. ENFJs are also a lot harder to defend against when they're aggressing, but INFJs in this situation are a lot easier to deal with. Very simple: all you have to do is not engage. They're trying to get you to damage other people's perception of you, mainly by looking like a bad person or going off the handle. All you have to do to avoid that is not do it. Remember, if they wanted to help, they would be short and blunt in private. They know how to do it, and they're good at it. That isn't what's happening here, and you need to notice that.
Now, once they know they can't capital-M manipulate you in front of people, they're in a bad spot, not only because this plan failed, but also because their second plan failed because you haven't given them a piece of negative evidence about your character. They can't whittle away at you with other people in private. If you'd given them the "you're a piece of chunk," they could use that to imply other things about you to people, and other people would have that chunk to reference and think, "Maybe that's the case. I mean, it happened that one time in front of all of us, so who knows what happens when we aren't around?" Because you didn't fall for it, they can't do that now without looking like a piece of themselves. People like victims they can coddle into villains they can attack—not rumor spreaders. By not engaging, you cut their string short. Remember Ni-types—I still don't understand how Ni is this long-reaching function—they don't plan for—they never have redundancies. You cut their little string of plans, and that will frustrate them because that social control is all they have working for them. Meaning you've rendered them either powerless or angry enough to do to themselves what they were about to do to you, i.e., look bad or lose their—and have a bunch of people turn on them. Which is why the INFJ door slam exists. That's a real thing, and while there are many instances, the INFJ door slam exists as a response to someone's repeated victimization of the INFJ. Many times it happens as a response to the INFJ's own schemes, at which point the group they door slam becomes the target for the next group they infiltrate—lack of a better word. And remember, this doesn't apply to all INFJs all the time.
If an INFJ is on your side and wants to help, they will be curt and mean—really mean—in private, once, and then they'll leave you alone. If an INFJ wants to get you over, they will reserve conflict for public, and they will drag it out. Don't fall for it. You'll know it's happening when you're in public and you should have gotten through to them by now if you were on the same wavelength, if you were on the same side, but they keep shuffling the deck and dragging out this thing.
But that about wraps this one up. I hope you enjoyed watching, cause I certainly enjoyed making it. Like if you enjoy it, because it helps me out a lot. Subscribe if you haven't, because we do this sometimes, and comment your thoughts, because I love hearing from you. Have you ever encountered this? How did you deal with it? Thanks again for watching, everybody. Really, we had a lot of fun on this channel—so much fun, in fact, you can plug it in and play it on a Bluetooth speaker and listen to it—a lot of fun that way. But that's how much we have on this channel, and I look forward to doing this with you guys again in the future.