Transcription
We've all had conversations that feel forced, awkward, or just boring. Sometimes, it gets to the point where you have no idea what to say, like this next clip.
"So, uh, you do a lot of, uh, a lot of charity work?"
"Um, I've been working with a group called FINCA that does microfinance. It's like small loans for mainly women in the developing world."
"Oh, that's great. I do a lot of work with IMDb."
While it's funny on TV, in real life, these conversations are painful. So, in this video, we'll go over five common mistakes that lead to boring conversations and what you can do instead to have an amazing conversation. We'll do this using clips from some of the best conversationalists that we've covered on the channel so far.
The first mistake people make in conversation is energy ducking. Energy ducking is when you come into a conversation with low enthusiasm to avoid standing out. The problem is, when you make your main focus not standing out, you avoid making a negative or positive impression. While being able to read the other person's mood is important, it's equally important to realize that most people want to have fun, funny conversations. They just aren't sure how. So, if you want to stop having boring conversations, stop energy ducking and be the first to initiate playfulness. Watch Jack Black in this next clip for an extreme example.
While most talk show guests simply walk out, wave, and take a seat, Jack immediately establishes he's there to mess around and have a good time. [Applause]
Now, obviously, Jack Black is an over-the-top example. In your own life, you're going to want a way to consistently make conversations more playful without having to flip furniture. By far, the easiest way to initiate playfulness in your life is after you've been asked a question, to do so. Just answer with an absurd, non-literal answer. For instance, watch how Chris Pratt answers this question about his son.
"Who was born severely premature, but he's healthy and he's happy and he does his exercises every day and he's just..."
"What exercises do you do?"
"Well, you know, just like a bench. I put him on the bench. He's putting up like..."
"No, he is doing well. He's really thriving. He's super strong."
This isn't about ducking the question. Eventually, you will give a real answer and share about yourself. It's just about setting a fun, playful tone first. Another perk of being playful? It's very likely that the other person will match you and be playful as well. Notice in this next clip how Craig's first joke completely changes the energy of the conversation.
"Belgium is everything bad for you. Fries, chocolate, waffles, black tar heroin."
"Black tar hero..."
"They sell that out of a food truck now."
"You can get them from vending machines."
"Black tar heroin? Yeah. Chocolate heroin."
The second mistake people make that leads to a boring conversation is assuming interest. Have you ever been talking to someone who launched into a long story you didn't care about? It's the type of thing that can have people excusing themselves to the bathroom just to escape. The key to avoiding that mistake is to create interest before launching into your story. An easy trick for that is to start your story with a story gap. A story gap is when you build interest in a story by hinting at how it ends without spoiling the punchline. For a great example, listen to Kevin Hart tee up this story about his relationship with Michael Jordan.
"Along the way, you run it. You've run into Michael Jordan. I've ran into Mike a couple times. My Mike still might be mad at me. True story. Uh, yo, listen, I pissed my golf..."
"What did you do?"
"You already know the ending of the story: Michael Jordan gets mad at Kevin. But you want to know why and how it happens."
That's the whole point of a story gap: to hint at something that the other person now wants to hear more about. For another example, listen to Tom Hanks.
"Who's the story gap here? I'll tell you one thing that happens to Tom Hanks. Little Tommy Hanks on that on that tree. Larry's bro. Larry's brother. I'll tell you what happened to him. He gets screwed. And I'll tell you how."
By using a story gap, you ensure people will be interested in hearing what you have to say. Okay, so now that you've learned to share information about yourself in an interesting way, it's very likely that people will want to ask you more about yourself. This is where the next common mistake comes in. If you regularly find conversation stalls after you've been asked a question, you may be giving bland, one-to-five-word answers. A bland answer doesn't set the other person up with anything to say back. This happens all the time in small talk.
"Where are you from?"
"Philadelphia."
"What do you do?"
"I work in finance."
Short answers put the conversational pressure on the other person. Now they have to carry the conversation, or else let it fall into awkward silence. It's a bit of an extreme case, but watch this clip with Kanye and Jimmy Kimmel to see an example of this.
"Do you dress them? Do you pick their outfits?"
"You do."
"Is that fun for you?"
"You do."
"Do you design outfits for them?"
"You do."
"Do they love that? I mean, do they understand that process that you draw something and then it becomes their clothes?"
Kanye's short answers there put all the pressure on Jimmy to carry the conversation. On the other hand, listen to Sylvester Stallone after Jimmy Fallon asks about his relationship with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"Schwarzenegger. I, I've read that you guys actually hated each other for a while."
"Well, we were very competitive. Yeah, I think 'hate's' a good word."
[Music]
"Come on."
Stallone could have just ended there, and it wouldn't have been a bad answer by any means because it was funny. But he elaborates, which gives Jimmy more to respond to.
"Did you ever hate somebody so much?"
"He goes, 'I gotta get to the gym. I gotta.' And you know, a musician goes, 'Oh, I hate this guy. I'm gonna blow him away next time.' It just was like The Rolling Stones and The Beatles, you know, they kept you releasing great albums."
Now, this isn't to say that you should ramble every time someone asks you a question. You want to share enough to make conversation easy for the other person, but then create space for them to speak as well. It's important to realize that having a memorable conversation doesn't mean you have to do all the talking. In fact, great conversationalists do the opposite: they get the other person excited to talk as well.
That brings us to the next common mistake people make in conversation: they ask the same default, boring questions. This next clip is scripted to purposely be boring, so it's sad how often our real-life conversations look just like this.
"So, you live in, uh, California?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah, I live in Venice, California."
"So, you, uh, hang out with a lot of showbiz types?"
When you're asking questions, try to ask something that the other person will be excited to answer. Sean Evans is a master at this. He specifically focuses on asking questions about his guests' passions or that let them reflect on things they're proud of. He also avoids the questions they've likely been asked a hundred times in interviews before. And you can see the reactions it gets him.
"A special affinity towards Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. And if so, does it inform the music at all?"
"Bro, I'm impressed with these questions."
"Thank you, man. Curious, when you first moved from Nebraska to California to chase that dream, what level of success seemed realistic to you? Like, what would be your minimum accomplishment for you to feel like, 'Well, wow, I made it'?"
"That's cool. I don't know if I've ever answered that question."
"When you think about all the times that you've been name-checked in rap lyrics, which one's your favorite?"
"Wow, that's..."
If you're talking to someone you just met and you don't know anything about their interests yet, you can also get people excited to talk by asking fun hypotheticals. Joe Rogan is a master of this, and it's part of why people like going on his podcast.
"Had a magic wand and someone said, 'You could do whatever you want to fix this, what would you do?'"
"You were the king of the world, said Ed. What are we going to do?"
"Let's say you become president. What if..."
Questions like that are fun to answer because they let people talk about their values without being constrained by their own potentially boring lives. In addition, these fantasy-style questions instantly make conversation more fun because the person you're talking to gets to imagine these dream scenarios as they answer the question.
"If you're a mayor of New York, what would be your first order of business? What would be the day-one action?"
Okay, this is a good one. Let's go into a specific example you can use in your own life. If you meet someone and ask about their job, but they don't seem excited to talk about it, try following up with a question: "Well, what if you had $100 million and you could do anything you want, what would you do instead?" This will let them dive into whatever's most important to them, which they will love to talk about.
Okay, so now that the other person is talking, we get to the last common mistake people make in conversation: being a passive listener. Talking to someone who's too passive when listening can be boring and even uncomfortable. There are two great tricks to make yourself a likable listener who's fun to talk to, and they're both very easy.
The first is mirroring, by repeating a pattern of behavior of the person you're talking to. This can be gestures, the way they're seated, or the last few words someone says.
"We went to Granny Annie's."
"Granny Annie's."
"Two for one cocktail."
"Two for one cocktails."
"King. What's it... what do you call them?"
"Prime Minister Trudeau. That fella, the Castro lover."
"The Castro lover. I was just gonna say that."
The second easy way to be a likable listener is listening to laugh. For example, watch how easily Joe Rogan laughs with his guests, even when they aren't trying to be funny.
"Humans are the, you know, original gangster."
[Laughter]
"The emergency broadcast system came up. Stay inside. Freezing rain, icy conditions, high winds. Stay inside. Like, beeping. Stay inside."
"And God is like, 'This is amazing, man. Let's go for a run.' And I'm like..."
Sometimes, the thing that most makes someone like you is not when you are smart or funny, but when you make them feel smart or funny. Hearing their own words spoken back to them with an encouraging voice, or seeing that they've made you laugh, can go a long way towards someone enjoying their time with you.
For one last example, watch in this next clip how Craig's guest smiles wider and wider the more Craig cracks up at his joke.
"What are you clapping for?"
[Music]
"What is that ovation for?"
"Think about what you just clapped for."
"Do you think there would be a time in your life that you would clap for that?"
"Oh, as if I would actually use this finger. That come on."
It's important to note here: the goal is not to fake laugh. Instead, you want to cultivate the ability to laugh freely whenever you do find something funny, rather than censor your laughter like most people do, limiting it to a quick chuckle or even just an exhale. If you currently struggle to laugh when you're in conversation, that's totally fine. Laughing is a habit that gets easier the more you do it. So, a good practice is to watch something you know will make you laugh right before you go out. This will prime you to be in a better state to laugh when you're in conversation.
And that's how to never be boring in conversation. Now, if you enjoy these videos but sometimes find it hard to put all of it into practice when you're actually in conversation, you may like our video program, Charisma University. It's a more step-by-step guide that lays out exactly how to turn our most important charisma advice into effortless, unthinking habit, so you can turn it on when you need it. It takes just 20 to 30 minutes a day, and each day comes with a daily action guide so you know exactly how to put what you're learning into practice. And it's sequential, so each day builds upon the last. It also comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee, that's for any reason whatsoever. So, the only way you pay anything is if you think it was worth more than the money you invested into it. I could go on about the program, but rather than tell you what I think, let's take a look at what some of the members have said about their experience after going through Charisma University.
The first one comes from a guy who got promoted to a senior position early in his career, and he says, "I don't even have a bachelor diploma yet. They want me to fill this position." And when asked why, this was the answer: "You have great social skills, which is rare for an engineer. You can think quick on your feet, and you are open and self-assured in your demeanor. Thank you so much for all that you taught me. You have truly changed my life because without Charisma University, I wouldn't have qualified for this position in a million lifetimes."
Now, this next one comes from another person who started a new job. They say, "I wanted to let you know that I nailed those first days at work. Everything that I needed was right there at the moment I needed it: the confidence, the energy, the smile, the positive mindset. And with all your tips from last Tuesday in mind, it just could not go wrong." And he finishes by saying, "I just wanted to emphasize that what I did the previous days would even not have come to my mind if I had not discovered that charisma is a skill that can be learned, thanks to your YouTube channel and university program."
And this last one is a comment from inside the course from someone who used it mainly to improve their social and dating life, and he says, "Life-changing in six weeks. I went from being socially awkward with few friends to the life of every event I attend. I also went from having serious girl problems to dating the girl of my dreams. Charisma University transformed me from a lonely introvert hoping to better connect with people to an energy-filled extrovert who makes new friends everywhere I go."
And there are more success stories just like those in the comments. If you do decide to join the course, if you want to check the course out, click the link on screen now or below in the description. We've had thousands of members go through this course and get a ton out of it, and I hope that you join if this is an area of your life that you're looking to improve. Either way, I hope this video has helped you, and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.