Transcription
[Music] All right, let's go to Patrick in Cleveland. What's up, Patrick?
Hey, Dr. John. How are you?
Ballin', dude. 22 blades, only Impala. What are you doing?
That's good. Uh, I've been better, but I'm glad to talk to you. That was a good, that was a good diss. You're like, "Ah, that was good."
Thanks, man. I deserve that. All right, so what's up?
So, I am just at a point, like a breaking point in my life, where I feel like I am just so overwhelmed. I don't even know who I am anymore. Like, I'm just ready to explode. I just, I, I don't even know what it's like to be happy anymore, and I just can't take it anymore. So, I need some insight.
Yeah, man. Well, thanks for calling. Unpack that a little bit for me.
Well, it's definitely a lot, a lot to it. I'm definitely a mixed bag with a lot of years of, of trauma and a lot going on. But to get condensed it all, I'd say the last decade of my life. I mean, I'm 30 now, and the last decade of my life, I've just had to constantly be on. And why? I just, well, I'm a chronic people-pleaser, and I, and I take on way more than I can handle.
Okay. It's because I'm so driven and motivated to get where I want in life.
Hold on, hold on. Before we get going, I want us to begin to change your language as you tell the story. Is that cool?
Sure.
So, instead of saying, "I've had to be on for the last decade," I want you to change the language to, "I've chosen to be on for the last decade."
Yeah, that's a good time. We're gonna start taking ownership of this, okay? And that's the first, that's the starting line to getting well.
Okay, cool. So, you've chosen to please everybody and to take on a whole bunch of stuff and to be driven and ambitious. Um, what are you running from? Like, what did somebody tell you that you weren't gonna make it when you were a kid? Or you come from a pretty rough situation? Like, you're, you're running from something. What is it?
I definitely am running. I've been sprinting.
But no, you're exactly, you're exactly right. I came from a really rough childhood. My, uh, the youngest of five boys, divorced family, alcoholics. My mom died when I was 22 on my birthday. I was molested as a kid numerous times. Just a lot, a broken, broken family. I had to constantly be a therapist to my own mom. She overtook my bedroom. I had to sleep in my dad's room. She slept with a knife. It's just a lock.
Yeah. And, and what do you do for a living now?
Well, um, I'm a musician. I play in three different bands, and I am in a sales job. And it's finally, like, a big boy job, you know? I've always taken jobs in my 20s where it was like, "Okay, I didn't really care if I didn't work there anymore." But being 30, I figured it's time to take on a career because I wasn't sure where my music was going, and I was getting to this point where I was getting really discouraged. And now that I've taken on this career, it's becoming harder to balance my music because this is a lot more demanding of a job, and it's, it's, you know, forced me to travel for work. And, and it's really affecting my, my job. I'm almost feeling like I'm going to lose my job because I'm so stressed.
Right. Um, what is the, um, what is the, what does the music give you?
Well, the music is my true passion. And I've always told people, like, it's almost a curse to find your true passion because when you can't guarantee it's going to happen or anything's going to come of it, it's like, you can't just go to college and get your degree and just be like, "Okay, I've made it." It's like, all a gamble.
Yeah. Here, let me back up. So, here's the thing about passion. We're passionate about what we're good at, and we're good at what we practice. And most of us practice what we're made to practice when we're younger, or that we developed the discipline and skill to practice when we're older. And my guess is you've been playing music a long time. And I grew up playing in bands. I still play in bands. I love it. It makes me so joyful. There's nothing funnier than, than playing with a group of people, especially in front of a big audience that enjoys what you're doing. That's something you like doing. But you're getting something from that, not just fulfilling your passion, because you like connecting with people, is my guess. Or you like making other people feel at ease. And that's the same thing that kept you alive as a kid. And now that same defense mechanism has become the way you operate in the world. And it's exhausting because your body is still in fight or flight. See what I'm saying?
You can get passionate about sales as you practice it and get better at it and better at it. And especially if you're selling something you believe in. And you sit down across a table from somebody or a corporation and say, "I can make y'all's lives better with this product." Dude, that connection, you'll get good at that and you'll become passionate about it. I've never been on the radio ever until two and a half years ago, and now I'm super passionate about it. I love it. But I've been practicing like crazy, and I do it all day, every day, and early in the morning. And you know what I mean? So, you'll get passionate. Things, they're getting something from music. And it's either a connection that you finally feel like you belong with a group of men and women that you play with, or in front of an audience, or you're talented. I don't know what the thing is you're getting. But here's the thing, that thing that you're getting is also killing you. And at some point, you're gonna have to pick one band and let the other ones go. You got to say, "I, I do this on the side. This is a thing that I love to do, but I'm going to work really hard to become really good at sales so that I can eat." You see what I'm saying? Or blow it all and say, "Forget it. I'm going to write or die on this thing." Like, I mean, if you want to be a great musician, go be a great musician. And just know that, you know, most musicians don't make it. And that's fine. Um, you don't have to be rich and wealthy to have a good life, but you got to make that decision. And this is the big thing. Exhale.
And so, let me tell you this. I don't think you're addicted to people-pleasing. I think you're trying to survive. And pleasing people when you were young kept you from maybe not getting molested this time, or maybe not getting your head kicked in by one of your older brothers. People-pleasing as a kid, you were told, kept mom from killing herself. That's not an addiction to people-pleasing. That is an addiction to surviving. Okay? Yeah. And that same thing that kept you alive as a kid is now wearing you out. Right? And so, yes, for whatever it's worth, man, I'm just some stranger on the internets, but I'm giving you permission to stop. Your life's worth more than this.
Right. Yeah. And what you don't have is, you don't have a picture of what peace looks like, do you?
Not at all.
Yeah. So, you're running as fast as you can, solving, accomplishing, playing, being good at these things so that people will look at you and go, "That guy's got it together." I'm gonna tell you, you're gonna end up a salesman who's really good. I think every kid should either do theater or and or music. Every single child in the world because if you can master a stage, you can do anything. If you can be good in front of people, whether it's six people or 106 people or a thousand people, you can do anything. You're going to be a great salesman because you know how to connect with an audience. And you're going to get a million dollars, and you're going to pay off your house, and you're going to have a new Tesla, and you're going to be married. And you're going to find yourself asking your kid to move out of his room so you can go sleep in his bed because those things won't heal you. You know what I mean? Yeah. They're cool mile markers on a sprint, but they're not gonna heal you.
And dude, I want to pay my house off, and I want a nice Tesla, and I want, you know what I mean? I want those things, but I know that those things aren't going to solve me.
Right. And the question I have for you is, do you want to stop?
I don't want to stop pursuing my dreams of music. I've not given up the fact that I could maybe make it really, really far. And I've already achieved a good level of success. And I think that's where I struggle is, I don't, I can't come to grips with the idea of possibly never making it.
Whatever that means. Because you've put "making it." Exactly. That's a great point, by the way. "Making it" like what? Who? That bar moves every time you get to wherever you think you're going to go, right? Every time you sell out the theater, they're like, "Well, what about this place?" And every time you sell the club, then it's like, "Why are you going to move? Sell out this place." And so that line moves. But you think that you are going to feel a certain way when you get to a place. And I'm telling you right now, that place does not exist.
You are spot on.
Is that fair?
It is, because I've achieved a lot of these different things, and every time I get them, I go, "Okay, what's next?"
A friend of mine tells a great story. He was a guitar player for a famous songwriter, and he was walking onto Carnegie Hall. He was waiting in the wings, and he had his phone. He's put his phone away. And he got a ding, and he checked his cell phone balance. I mean, his bank balance on a cell phone, and it was negative. He was in the red. Let him know that he'd just been overdraft. And he put it in his pocket as he walked out to play in Carnegie Hall in New York. And it was like, "I made it, and I'm broke." You know what I mean? Like, there is no, or you get off stage like, "That was awesome." And then you get back on the same stupid bus and go to the next town. You know what I mean? You know that.
Yeah. And you'll make an incredible sale, and you'll feel so good, and you'll go to dinner, and you'll feel good. And you wake up the next morning, then you gotta go to the gym again, and then you gotta be nice to your wife and your kids again, and then you got to start the making new cold calls, right? The whole thing just starts over again. And for some people, that fries them out. For me, I've learned to love that about life. I love it because my value isn't found there. And nobody may have ever told you this, but I need you to hear me say, Patrick, you are worth laying down in bed at night, just going to sleep. And you're worth loving somebody and not worrying about if they're gonna molest you or take something from you. Yeah. And you're worth loving somebody all in and not worrying about if they're gonna take their life and die by suicide. You know what I mean? And I know you don't believe me. I know you don't believe me. And it's, you're fair not to believe me. Your body's like, "Okay, that's cute, brother. You haven't lived when I've lived." And you're right.
Um, I share more of your story than you know. But what I'll tell you is this: there is healing on the other side of this if you want it. But here's what that looks like. Okay? And this is hard. You're gonna have to decide to identify the things that kept you alive as a kid that are now hurting you as an adult. Obsession with people-pleasing, trying to do too many things, saying yes to everything, letting one thing that was really important to you, dialing it back a bit so that you can be successful in something else. Those things, you got to identify them and choose to intentionally set them down. And it's going to feel like taking off articles of clothing in a public intersection. You're going to feel completely exposed. And that's where the healing begins.
Yeah. It's almost like if I am less active on social media and engaging with my fans, I feel like I'm, I'm backtracking.
You know? Yes. Yes. I'm trying to stop that.
Listen, Patrick, it's a lie. It's a lie. All burnout is, it's a real thing. It is a physiological thing. It's not just, "I'm tired." It's, you're experiencing it. It's when your body says, "We have been fighting and fleeing for too long. We're out. I'm out. I've tried to get your attention with anxiety. I've tried to get your attention with depression. I've tried to get your attention with chaos. I've tried, I've tried. I'm out. I'm just done." Okay? So your body just says, "Screw you. I'm going home. I'm taking my ball and I'm going home." And so, here's what you've got to promise me. Number one, you'll reach out and decide for the first time in your life, "I'm gonna get healing. I'm gonna go call a professional." And that's what you need. You gotta have counseling. I had to have it. People I love have to have it. You're there. Okay? You need to go talk to a professional and say, "I'm worth this." You also have to pick one of these three bands and say, "I'm gonna sit this one out. I've got too much on my plate."
Are you willing to do that?
100%.
Which band?
That's the struggle is which band I choose because both of them are very, well, all of them are popular and demanding. And it's just hard, just hard to pick.
And then they're gonna find somebody else that plays guitar or bass or drums, and then they're gonna go on about their day, and you are too. And you're gonna feel that twinge of, "Uh, I wish I was there." But then we're gonna move on. You know what I mean? And here's the thing, if that band goes on and becomes Pearl Jam, you know what? You are alive because you won't be on the trajectory you're on.
Yeah. Okay. Sure. So, um, a couple of real quick things, okay? And then I'll let you go, okay? Do I have your commitment to, um, getting well? Like, I want this to be different.
Yes, absolutely.
Okay. So, you're gonna call a professional counselor. You're gonna make that call today.
I've actually already been trying to see one, and she's understanding me, and she's not giving me a lot of skill sets yet.
Okay. On to the next thing. Find somebody that you connect with. And if you don't connect in that first session, say, "Thank you so, so much. I'm grateful for you. You're gonna make another appointment."
No, thank you. I appreciate your time.
Right. Okay. But I want you to go in and say, "I've got some very serious childhood traumas. I've got some very serious pathologies that I deal with, sexual abuse, physical abuse, all sorts of stuff, and I'm ready to heal." I want to use that type of language, take that type of ownership.
The second thing is, is you have to get a group of men in your life that you can do life with. Just hang out. That could be your band, but often band becomes a performance, and it literally, and it becomes a, uh, status thing. You need a group of guys you can prop your feet up with and say, "I'm not doing okay today." And they're not gonna go, "Well, what about the band, bro?" You don't need that. You need a friend that's a banker, and like, one that mows lawns, you know what I mean? Right. That does different things.
Are you married now?
I am not.
Okay. Are you interested in that? Are you just ready to chill?
Well, I'm, I've been with a girl now for four years, and that was another thing that's a side that I would like to get your interest, or excuse me, your intellect from, but I know our time is limited. But she's pressuring me to get married, and I'm just not in the position where I'm ready mentally.
That's cool. I mean, four years is a long time. That's fair for her, and that's fair for you, right?
It is.
Let's set up another call for that one. So, we'll go down that rabbit hole another one. Here's the third thing I want you to commit to. Will you commit to making exercise and sleep and eating a little bit better a priority?
And that I currently do. So, I'm there.
Good. Yep. But you start in that order. Sleep first. Everything comes after sleep. If I have to skip a workout, I'm gonna skip a workout so I can get sleep. I'm gonna miss that. I still haven't seen the new Top Gun movie. I haven't seen several movies that are out because sleep is still the priority.
I haven't had the time.
Okay. Yeah. I'm going to make those priorities. I'm going to miss this gig because of sleep, or I had this gig, so I'm gonna have to sleep anyway. You know what I mean? Make those things a priority so that your body has a chance to do the healing that it needs to do.
Cool. Absolutely.
So, let me tell you this. On the other side of this, fast forward two and a half years, and you're engaged, and if not tied up, okay, I said that in a real negative way. You're married, and not tied up. Like, your life is good. The choices you make right now to decide to be well, there is light at the end of this tunnel if you want to make that journey. And it's gonna suck. It will not be fun, and it will be worth every single step. Because on the back end, you're gonna be able to laugh. You're not gonna have to put your back into a corner like every time you walk into a restaurant, put your back up against the wall so you can see the whole restaurant. You're gonna be able to not get raged out angry when somebody cut you off. You're gonna be able to lay your head down and just fall asleep in the arms of somebody that you love and not worry about what's gonna happen. There's this peace, brother. Does that make sense?
It makes perfect sense.
Do you want that?
I want it more than anything.
Okay. I'm tired. I'm right here. I got it. I got you. All right. So, we're gonna make that call today and find another therapist. And hang on the line here. I'm gonna give you a copy of "Own Your Past, Change Your Future." It's my treat to you. Um, read it. Give it to your girlfriend. Y'all read it together. And, um, begin this journey moving forward. I'm really proud of you for just saying, "Enough's enough. I've got to do something different." I've been there. Millions of people have been there. And the first step is one of bravery. So, good for you, brother. Good for you. You can do it. You can do it. And I'll walk with you every step of the way. Give me a shout back. Let's talk about this girlfriend of yours, too.