Transcription
Hi, I'm Ava! It's so nice to meet you. Sit. Sit. You know, I've actually never been to Vegas. Do you ever get used to this heat? Yes. So, Jimmy tells me that you're a very talented… Let go of it!
Mom! Mom! They're being insane; they're not letting me leave. Sorry, apparently she won't let Josefina see.
(Scoffs) (Clears throat) Oh, my God! There's nothing in here. Give. Fine. You see the shit I gotta put up with? Unbelievable. They're antibiotics. I got a fucking UTI, okay? Everybody? I'm so sorry I didn't feel like broadcasting to the whole world, but you got me! You got me, detectives; I need relief for my horrific urethra pain, okay? Everybody happy now? Not happy, no. I'm glad to see you're… getting your fluids, sweetheart. You'll have to excuse her. She has a UTI. Oh, and her father just died. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Me? Thrilled. So why are you here? Oh, well, obviously, it would be a huge honor to work with someone like you who's been working so successfully for so long. I mean, you're… a legend.
Wow, a legend. Yeah. So you're a fan. I mean, of course. Would I be here if I wasn't? What's your favorite joke of mine? Man, you know… that's so hard. Well, it shouldn't be. I've written over 30,000; just pick one. Uh… You know what? I would have to say that your TV show is my personal favorite thing that you've ever done. You mean my sitcom from 1973? You've seen it? Oh, yeah. I mean, I… yeah, I've seen… um, clips. Clips? Wonderful. Uh, yeah, well… you know, a lot of the actors on the show that I most recently worked on were stand-ups. You know, I'm gonna stop you right there. I don't work with writers. You don't? No, Jimmy sent you against my wishes.
(Chuckles) I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm gonna kill him. Great, well, this sucks. Yeah, it sucks. Oh, well, at least you didn't waste too much time researching me. I'm sorry, did I… did I do something to offend you? Other than walk those chimney sweep boots on my silk rug? No. Sorry, I… I didn't realize it was a shoes-off situation. Well, it's shoe-dependent. Thank you for your time. Good luck with your career, honey.
Fucking bitch. Excuse me? Do you have something else to say? Yeah. You've just been pretty rude, and I dropped everything to come here. Oh, Christ. Oh, you want a gold star just for showing up? Kinda, yeah, because you're right. I'm not a fan of yours. You caught me. This is all just a little fucking annoying because I flew all the way here on Spirit fucking Airlines, even though I don't want this job in the first place. I mean, the last thing on earth I want to do is move to the desert to write some lame jokes for an old hack. I think you better leave.
Yeah. Can I show you to the door? Or do I have to go back up the chimney? Oh, no, I know my way out. By the way, so cool they let you move into a Cheesecake Factory. Oh, is that where you wait tables? That seems like a better fit. Oh, yeah, I agree, you classist monster. I'd rather slang bang bang chicken and shrimp all day than work here. I mean, fuck! What is this, 50 tassels on one couch? Even Liberace would think it's a bit much. Oh, no, you're incorrect. He actually loved it. He did poppers on that couch in '85. Cool. I'm glad Liberace's butthole was nice and loose in your house. Maybe you should've joined him, since yours is obviously tight as fuck. Oh, hey, before I leave. Did you want to inspect my bag? Maybe I should just piss in a cup. But, you know what, I'm gonna go ahead, I'm just gonna leave a stool sample on your lawn. (Chuckles)