Transcription
Conclusion: Is it worth it in the end? This is such an interesting question. I've been asking everyone I interview and I've spoken to more than 100 people, individuals from various walks of life, different socioeconomic statuses, and diverse poly structures. I've talked to people who have transitioned from poly to monogamous relationships, monogous to poly, and everything in between. I've interviewed those in don't ask don't tell marriages, solo poly individuals, parallel poly folks and relationship anarchists. I've engaged these in diverse perspectives. I've asked repeatedly, is it worth it? Is it worth it in the end?
And the responses vary. Not everyone said yes. Not everyone is committed to remaining poly for the rest of their lives. Many are open to evolving in new and different directions. Yet, there remains a resounding sentiment. It's worth it for me to have gone through this experience. It's worth it for me to have taken on this journey of self-discovery.
I've experienced significant trauma over the last 5 years. I had a second child at 22 weeks, August, who lived for only 4 days. The loss was devastating both emotionally and physically as I navigated the trauma my body endured during that time. Shortly thereafter, a friend of mine murdered another friend, his wife, with whom he had three children under the age of six. At the time, my husband and I were pursuing adoption after a failed IVF attempt following the loss of August. After the tragedy, each attorney representing the three boys reached out to us, asking us to fight for custody. So, we did. We fought for those children because they deserved to have someone to advocate for their best interests. In court, our lifestyle and poly identity were on trial. We were interrogated about how our choices could affect our children and our relationship. Our adoption agency faced scrutiny regarding our poly decisions. Ultimately, the judge ruled against us, stating that we needed to reconsider our life choices because we were Polly. Following this, our adoption fell through. An incredibly painful experience.
In response to such circumstances, there are two primary paths that one can take. One way is to revert to monogamy, to seek comfort in what society deems acceptable, prioritizing the vision of parenthood over our lifestyle choice. This was the path that I believe my husband chose and I don't blame him for it because it's a completely defensible viewpoint. Selfless even. The other path is to stand firm in the face of persecution for loving others openly. The path I ultimately have chosen. I feel compelled to advocate for what I believe is right for myself and for countless others. For a life where we can love without filters, embrace one another, build community, and choose unconventional paths.
This stance can be threatening to others. As I've come out of the closet over the past month while writing this book, I have faced numerous judgments from family members, parents, and even acquaintances who've come out of the woodwork to express that God is frowning on my life path. I've received articles claiming that polyamory is merely the latest fad of the ruling class. Ironic considering that many of these articles were behind pay walls. I've been told that it's impossible to be both authentic and public. Yet I cannot not be this way. This is who I am. This is the shape of my heart. I am a bisexual clear queer polyamorous woman deeply in love with my husband and son committed to living in California and striving to be a fully present mother on Cape Cod. It's incredibly hard and confusing.
My lovers come from all walks of life. Rich and poor, tall, short, young, old, extroverted and introverted. They are all beautifully human and deserving of my love. I love them. I love you. I love I will fight for love until the day I die. Whether you choose this path or another, I encourage you to love yourself, others, and to love with abandon. Embrace the uncomfortable aspects of your identity because the world deserves to see the real you. All of you.
As a mother, first and foremost, I will support my child in whatever he chooses. If he identifies as transgender, non-binary, or loves anyone, men, women, or anything in between, I will support him. Whether he chooses to be loud or quiet, public or private, or live anywhere in the world, he will have my unwavering support. That's the world I'm committed to building. A world where my child and others can thrive. I believe you share this commitment, too, because you read this book. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for standing for humanity. We can only create this world together.