Transcription
I'm making this video for blue Neptune. Um, you left a comment about fearful avoidant attachment. So, I'm doing this for you and for anybody else who recognizes themselves as fearful avoidant or anyone who's in partnership with someone who's fearful avoidant. So, hopefully this will be useful for you.
Um, just a very quick introduction. I am Christine. I am a registered member of the BACP, which is the British Association of Counselors and Psychotherapists. and I have a private practice. I work in the UK and I work online. Um I do lots of classes and groups online and this channel is really going to be a kind of database for anyone who's kind of been through those groups, anyone who's come to classes and has had particular questions that we don't kind of get to cover. And what I'm doing in those classes is I'm teaching about lirance and also about the insecure attachment styles. So if you have questions, please ask. um it would be really wonderful to hear from you and obviously the things that you're interested in if I have the answers if I know something about them then I'd be really happy to kind of share that knowledge.
Okay. So fearful avoidant attachment what I will do um is I will give you a description of the insecure attachment styles. I'm going to focus on fearful avoidant, but I'll give you the other two insecure attachment styles as a kind of sort of general way of kind of seeing where fearful fits in with the other two styles because there's a lot of crossover with the insecure attachment styles. And understanding anxious and avoidant can actually give you a better understanding of what fearful is doing. Um, then I'm going to talk to you about the internal switch, which is really, really important in terms of kind of figuring out what you're doing as someone with fearful avoidant attachment. and then I'm going to talk to you about how to start working with the internal switch. Okay. I hope that makes sense.
Um, so I'm going to describe the insecure attachment styles. First of all, I'll describe anxious, then dismissive avoidant, and then fearful avoidant. Um, and for any of you who are not kind of quite clear about your attachment style, I hope what I have will help you kind of really begin to self-identify.
So, anxious preoccupied attachment. If you have this particular style, you are really terrified of abandonment. This is the core fear for you. Any kind of abandonment, it really, really triggers you. It makes you feel absolutely dreadful. And as soon as you see any sign of possible rejection, abandonment in a partner, you will do one thing. You will immediately move towards your partner for reassurance. Reassurance feels to to you like the most important thing. And what you're doing when you're seeking reassurance is that you're looking for co-regulation. Co-regulation is really about being soothed by another person. Now, because you have a core fear of abandonment, the thing that you really struggle with is self-regulation. If, for example, you have a secure attachment, you're able to comfortably do two things. You can self-regulate under stress and you can co-regulate under stress. Now, if you're anxious preoccupied, you're very good at co-regulation. You're very good at asking for support. You're very good at asking for reassurance from a partner or for anybody when you kind of feel really stressed. The thing that's missing for you is self-regulation. So, when you're moving towards a secure attachment, you really have to focus on self-regulation skills. Those are the kind of things that you need more than anything else. They're the kind of the gold standard in a way for you in terms of moving towards a secure attachment.
Now, if you are dismissive avoidant, you are completely different from this. It almost feels as if you are the opposite in a way of someone with anxious attachment. If you're dismissive avoidant, you really do not feel any kind of fear at all of abandonment. This is not something that you're frightened of. You do have a core fear and your core fear is engulfment. That's the feeling of being smothered by somebody else. So, it's totally different from abandonment. And if you are anxious anxiously attached, if you have an anxious preoccupied attachment, when you hear someone describe the dismissive avoidant core fear, it feels really odd. You know, you don't relate to it. And also the dismissive avoidant doesn't relate to abandonment because they've not experienced that. So this is why very often the two styles are kind of at odds in a way with each other. They kind of they don't understand each other. And for the dismissive avoidant, you're exceptionally good at self-regulation. you're really able to manage your own feelings on your own. You know when you are stressed you want to be on your own. You withdraw from other people and you take care of yourself on your own. The thing that you really struggle with is co-regulation. So that's you know moving towards another person asking for reassurance fundamentally being vulnerable. This is the thing that feels exceptionally difficult for you. This is your struggle. So when you're moving towards a secure attachment, you absolutely have to focus on learning co-regulation skills about being kind of well being vulnerable, opening up to another person, really kind of being connected to someone and allowing them to help you and support you. That for the dismissive avoidant can feel very invalidating. It can feel really awful to be helped because of that core fear of engulfment.
Now if you have fearful avoidant, you are different again. So, if you're listening to me describe these two styles, the anxious preoccupied and the dismissive avoidant, and you're thinking, I'm not really sure what I am because I kind of relate to both of them, then it's likely that you are going to be fearful avoidant because fearful avoidant has the core fear of abandonment and also the core fear of engulfment. So, you share those two core fears. And because you share those two core fears, you show up in relationships slightly differently. you have what we call a more reactive style. And I what I mean by reactive is that you are reacting to another person's attachment style. So if for example I am fearful and I meet someone who's avoidant, I'm going to react to their avoidant style and in that relationship I'm going to be anxious. But if I meet someone who's anxious, I'm going to react to their anxious style and I'm going to become avoidant. So that's very different from the other two styles because if I'm anxious preoccupied, I'm always anxious preoccupied in every relationship. If I'm dismissive avoidant, I'm always dismissive avoidant in every relationship. With fearful avoidant, I can really move around. So it genuinely is confusing. And very often clients have said to me, I don't really know what I am and confused because I move around. But the fact that you can say that and the fact that you're using that word confuse kind of usually that means that someone is fearful avoidant. So like I said, you have this ability to kind of move around in relationship and it may be that in one relationship sometimes you're anxious and sometimes you're avoidant and again that would mean that you're fearful avoidant.
You have a thing that we call the internal switch. And this is something that's unique to you. And I'm going to be talking about this quite a lot in this video um because this is the kind of the mechanism of how you try and manage being close to a person or being separate from a person. If I can kind of give you a practical example of what the internal switch looks like. So say I'm fearful and I'm in a relationship and I really I have the kind of urge to get close to my partner. You know I I want reassurance. I'm looking to kind of be with them. I feel kind of quite needy. So what I will do I is I will ask for reassurance. I can do that if I'm fearful. But unfortunately because I'm fearful I start to judge my own behavior. I start to think to myself, "Oh my goodness, Christine, you're being too needy. You're asking for too much reassurance. You know, you're being too much." And when I feel like that, I can switch and I can move over to the avoidant position. And in the avoidant position, I definitely don't feel needy. I definitely don't feel like I need too much from my partner. I feel strong. I feel capable. But again, I start to judge myself and I start to think, "Oh my goodness, I I'm too cold. I don't like how cut off I feel. I really want to be kind of more connected to my partner." So then I switch and I move over to the anxious position. And in the anxious position, I can feel the flow of love. I can feel the kind of connection with my partner. But again, I start to judge my my own behavior. And I start thinking, where is my dignity? Where is my pride? I'm asking for too much so I will switch again. So that's what I'm doing if I'm fearful avoidant. I am trying to switch between the anxious position and the avoidant position. And the major reason that I'm doing that is because I have a discomfort with too much closeness or too much separation.
So the three insecure attachment styles, they all have a difficulty with either closeness or separation or both. If I am securely attached, I am comfortable on my own and I am comfortable with other people. I'm comfortable with closeness and I am comfortable with separation. But it's different from the insecure attachment styles. For anxious preoccupied, I really struggle with being on my own with separation. That's why I'm relying on co-regulation. Dismissive avoidant. I really struggle with closeness and that's why I'm reliant on self-regulation. For the person who is fearful avoidant, you struggle with closeness and you struggle with separation. And what you're trying to do to navigate that is to use the internal switch. So understanding the internal switch is very very important when you're recovering from fearful avoidant attachment. It's the it's the mechanism that you're using to kind of try and feel comfortable. And it doesn't really work. Unfortunately, what happens with the fearful the the internal switch with fearful is that under stress, you lose trust in the idea that somebody else can soothe you and you lose trust in the idea that you can soo yourself. Neither feels like it works. And again, this is different from the other two styles. If I'm anxious under stress, I lose kind of the faith that I can take care of myself, but I do trust that somebody else can. If I'm dismissive, avoidant, I lose trust in the sense that somebody else can soothe me, but I trust that I can. With fearful, unfortunately, you have this position of I don't trust my own thinking and I don't trust another person's thinking. And this does make it more difficult if you're fearful. You absolutely can recover from this. I really want to kind of stress that but it can make it more difficult because you've lost that kind of internal trust and the trust and the external trust as well.
Um, and because of this lack of trust, you are very often judging yourself very harshly. I've used the word judge quite a lot for fearful avoidant and it and it really will come up for you. You're often judging your own behavior because what's happening with the internal switch is externally it's creating this sense of you don't know what you want. One day you want one thing, the next day you want something else. And a partner might find this very frustrating. They might be saying I don't know what you need or you you say that you want one thing and then immediately you're saying that you want something else. So this part of you that's kind of creating this confusion, the internal switch, you're often really judging it very harshly and it may be that other people have judged it harshly too. So what I say to clients who have this, okay, this part has been working really, really hard for you. Okay, we need to love this part. I love this part for you. Okay, it's been doing everything that it possibly can to keep you safe. You have struggled with safety in terms of closeness and you have struggled with safety in terms of separation. Neither has felt safe. So this part is really doing everything everything it can in its power to manage those difficulties. You know it's not easy. So if you can start this process by really beginning to develop self-compassion. It's not an easy thing to develop actually because of this judgment. Which is why I often say to clients, okay, well I can love it. I can love this part of you. Even if you're angry with this part, even if you feel frustrated with yourself for having it, I can love it. And hold it in terms of this is something that's really precious. It's done everything everything it can to look after you. So that's really important to begin that work in terms of kind of just self-love really.
And the next piece of work to do with the internal switch and this is really really useful is that as a fearful you'll probably sorry should say fearful avoidant attachment. I can't just call you a fearful. That's that sounds a bit weird. But as someone with fearful avoidant attachment, you probably already have this sense, like I said, of this internal confusion. But you might also have this sense of I don't actually know how to get in touch with my feelings because what's happening with the internal switch is it's kind of removing you from your feelings. So each time you feel that you're asking for too much, you are removed immediately from that by the internal switch. And each time you feel that you are, you know, you're you're too cold, you're too cut off, it's removing you from that. So it can be very difficult to kind of get in touch with what do I actually feel because this shift, this constant shift. So the piece of work that's very important to do with fearful is to start charting when you are using the internal switch. And you will absolutely see as I've described that it's around abandonment and it's around engulfment. these two core experiences that you have when you when they start to surface you switch. So once you can kind of chart that once you start to notice that the work is to catch yourself just before you switch. Okay? And you don't have to be with that feeling long but the discomfort that you start to feel that that feeling of I this is this is painful and this is stressful and I don't like this feeling. Don't switch. I mean, you will automatically, but allow yourself to kind of feel the discomfort. Whether it's about closeness, whether it's about separation, allow yourself to feel it. And that's then going to start to integrate those two core fears, the abandonment and the engulfment. Because without kind of integrating them, you're kind of you just continue to do the inter internal switch.
So, you can start to chart that with your therapist. This is what I do with clients. We kind of figure out, okay, so when are you switching? And can you just hold yourself in that discomfort? Now when you start feeling that discomfort, you will start unfortunately to judge yourself. Am I doing the right thing? I shouldn't be doing this. This is painful. And this is because you can't trust your own thinking and you can't trust the thinking of another person. So really be aware that that's what's going to happen. As soon as you hit discomfort, you're also going to go into confusion. But that's okay. Okay? As long as you know ahead of time this is what's going to happen. It's all right. All right. Just sit with the confusion. Sit with the discomfort. You don't have to do it for very long. Okay. You're sort of building emotional muscle when you do this. Just do it a little bit. And your therapist can help you that or your counselor can help you with that to just kind of sit with it and go, "Okay, let's just sit with this feeling. Sit with the confusion." You'll find your mind kind of worring. Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing the wrong thing? Ah, you know that that's normal. really really normal for fearful avoidant. And what you're looking for alongside this kind of working through the abandonment and working through the engulfment is also to find yourself in a space that we call the liinal space. I know it sounds like lirance, it's different. The liinal space is the in between space. And of course, if you have an internal switch, you're moving backwards and forwards. You're not really connected to the place in between, which is the liinal space. And again, this is a kind of skill building exercise. What you need is to stay in the middle point. I know sometimes when people are talking about fearful avoidant, they're like, "There's no middle." It's like, "Yes, that's true." You know, you absolutely have to kind of learn how to sit there. Stay in the m the midpoint, the li the liinal space, and don't act. Okay? Don't switch. Now, this takes time. It really does take time. But what you're looking for is that sense of the two realities. Should I do this? Should I do that? Should I stay? Should I go? Just feel that feeling of holding two realities at once because you're looking for the duality and learning to tolerate the duality rather than kind of use the switch. Now again, this takes time. It really does. You are building something in that you haven't had from childhood. you know that anxiety that you feel with fearful you know you're moving away from it as much as possible so again it's about processing the discomfort of not acting the discomfort of not being reactive remember I said it's a reactive style so really really practice being in the liinal now I do find that clients don't kind of know how to do that until they kind of do that in session I mean, you may be very lucky and you may be able to do that in relationship in which case I'm absolutely delighted for you and my my experience is that often to kind of really be in in the present in in that liinal space and not feel that you have to act. It can really take time in therapy to kind of get there because the therapist doesn't need anything from you in the way that a partner might. What happens with fearful is that when the partner needs something, you react to that. As I said, it's a very reactive style, you know. So, the therapist doesn't need anything. That can help you learn, oh, I can just be here. I can be in the liinal and I can learn to not act, to not react, just to be with the duality.
So I hope that makes sense. Really the first thing is to absolutely love yourself in terms of the internal switch. Bring in that kind of sense of thank you. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for kind of really really looking after me. I know that you've been doing the best that you possibly can. and let go if you can of I know it's hard with um fearful to kind of let go of the judgment but really really if you can kind of park the judgment while you're working on this you deserve to understand that this part has been working very hard you have been working very hard to take care of yourself the best way that you know and then the next thing is to really follow the internal switch and see where you are kind of being triggered into using it and then to absolutely move into the liinal space and have that sense of both things can be true and I don't have to know what's right or wrong. I don't have to go into rumination. I don't have to figure it out. I can just be with the confusion because confusion is the thing that makes you act usually for fearful. Um, okay. I think I think that's all I've got today. Um, if there's anything else that I think about in terms of fearful, that's the main piece of work really, but if there's anything else I will do another video. Thank you for watching this.