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>> If I should tell u my Catholic father um that I'm agnostic um or if I should um kind of occasionally, you know, go to mass with him um despite, you know, not necessarily feeling the most comfortable uh doing so. Hm. Let's start with the comfort. Why don't you feel comfortable going?
>> So, I was diagnosed with OCD um when I was younger, kind of like my early teens. Um, and part of my, I guess, obsessions would be, um, you know, if I didn't perform a certain behavior, if I didn't do something that, um, if I didn't, you know, pray enough that, um, you know, I would be punished by God. And so there was kind of this like religious aspect to it, um, in the way that, you know, my, um, obsessions and compulsions kind of played out. Um, so that's just kind of an area where I'm a little concerned about, um, you know, maybe reopening um, a wound um.
>> You don't you don't even believe it anymore, right?
>> Correct. Yeah. So, um is it okay if I give a little bit of background just kind of about my family situation?
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. So, um I live with my parents um as well as my wife. Um you know, we have a really good relationship. Um in terms of my like upbringing, um it wasn't a super um you know, religious household, but um we did go to mass, you know, fairly occas uh or fairly often. um you know, usually maybe once a month, something like that, but not every week. Um you know, we would go on major holidays, things like that. Um and I think now that I'm, you know, I'm adult, I'm an adult, um they know I have kind of um my own beliefs about certain things, but um I also want to be respectful of them.
>> Um, you know, so you live in their house.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Yep. Yeah. I mean, my gut here is telling me I I don't know what you would accomplish by telling your dad. I don't know what that would free you from.
>> Yeah. I think the the other difficult aspect is um I I love my dad. We have a good relationship. Um but we don't really have a lot of super um you know, emotional or um you know, we don't really talk about our feelings and things like that. So, um, you know, having those kind of tough conversations with him is something that I've always tried to avoid. Um, you know, I have those conversations more with my mom. Um, but, you know, my dad, he struggles with a lot of guilt, um, about, you know, not attending mass regularly. Um, you know, he, um, it's something that, um, you know, he has also some unresolved like trauma and things like that. So.
>> I know, but what does it have to do with you?
>> Yeah. So, for me, I am I guess I'm just afraid of um you know, I I don't want to hurt him emotionally by having this conversation, but I also want to um kind of honor my own um my beliefs and um just kind of where my comfort lies. And I I I do think he would be um respectful and understanding. Like I don't fear any kind of um you know, verbal or um physical abuse or anything like that. But um I I guess I want to be more open with him and be more vulnerable. Um and I'm just I'm not sure if if I can do that.
>> So I I think there's a couple things here. One is I'm going to go back to it. You and your wife live in their house.
>> Yes.
>> And so if there's a way you can respect them for putting a roof over your head and this isn't violating some deep core value of yours, you're not like a procilitizing atheist.
>> Correct. Like at some point it sounds like you're just like I'm I don't care. I don't believe in the in the hoopla in the mythology of it all. That's fine. And if that's the case, dude, part of being in relationships is being uncomfortable. If you're seeking comfort all the time, you're not seeking relationship. And so I would put on my clothes and go to church, man.
>> Yeah. And if when you were a kid, you believed in all of the theater and it between what you were taught and some challenges you had processing the world and like all that led to like a powerful thing of guilt. And I I wonder if you're agnostic because you're tired as much as you don't believe in it all, but that's for another phone call. Like I again the best way to get to know somebody is not to dump all of your feelings onto them, but it's to ask them to tell you stories about them.
>> Yeah.
>> And so if you want to develop emotional connectivity or relationship with your dad, it would be, "Dad, I want us to start going out once a week. I want to learn all about your story."
>> What?
>> Yeah. I don't know you that well.
>> Yeah, you do. Like no, Dad. We're doing this. we're going tell me about going to church when you were a kid and just let him talk and if he asks you a question you can answer it.
>> Do you get what I'm saying?
>> Yeah.
>> You're taking a taking a selfish approach which I have this stuff in my chest and he needs to know about it and I'm just asking you why. This time of year, everybody's talking about getting more organized. And this year, I want you to focus on organizing your digital life. That's why I recommend Delete Me. Every time you sign up for some free thing online, your personal information gets collected, sold, and shared by data brokers. Delete Me's team of privacy experts finds your personal information, and it gets it taken down. Start this year fresh with fewer distractions and more peace. Go to joindeleteme.com/deloney for 20% off your annual plan. And I'm just asking you why.
>> Yeah. And I I think the biggest thing I've struggled with is the approach because I don't want it to be this big thing where um I'm like, you know, unveiling all this information and kind of um changing, you know, how he how he views me or um things like that. I I want it to be more of like a natural um you know, conversation. And um so I think that is good um perspective to kind of come at it from that lens. Um [clears throat]
>> but you don't feel settled to me.
>> Are you settled?
>> What do you mean?
>> Why are you living with your parents?
>> Okay. Yeah. So um I'm a recent college graduate. Um you know, specifically in in our area, um housing is, you know, ridiculously expensive. So my parents um really encouraged us to live with them. Um you know they want us to to save money to um they also just like you know having us around and um we do as well. So
>> um she does. Yeah I there there are certain you know pros and cons with with that situation. Um you know losing some of that independence that we had in college and feeling like young adults you know um not uh you know going into the world um fully. But um we both are are happy with the situation that we're in and we're really grateful to our parents.
>> What's the timeline on this?
>> So my wife is actually um looking to get into medical school. So um the timeline could be um you know a little more extended um a few more years depending on um if she gets into medical school here um you know maybe another part of the country.
>> match somewhere else. Yeah.
>> But yeah. Yeah. So often when we feel unsettled about our lot in life, where we happen to be financially, where we happen to be spiritually, where we happen to be physically, psychologically, when we feel unsettled, it feels like it would feel better, and I'm using the word feel a lot here, if we took this stuff out of our chest and handed it to somebody else. And often that is a hack towards taking the next right action. And what I'll tell you is if you feel frozen inside of your own skin, dumping things onto somebody will not make you feel better. In fact, it will multiply it because you'll still have that feeling and you'll feel guilty and then you'll feel mad and then you won't have anywhere to go with that anger because you're financially trapped, your wife's in med school, yada yada. Then that turns to rage. And so my question for you is what's the next couple of right actions around your finances around your marriage, around your faith, around your physical body, like being a good steward of your body. Exercise, like what are some things you can do to begin to make peace with you?
>> Yeah, I think um exercise is a big one. Um you know there there are definitely aspects where you know I'm getting back into therapy. I'm trying to work through, you know, some of these um personal issues. And I think um yeah, it was more just imagining myself, you know, in a situation where my dad is kind of asking me about religion and my beliefs. And I don't want to be dishonest with him. Um but I also, like you said, I don't want to dump um dump that onto him um when I am dealing with my own kind of um you know, emotional um baggage.
>> Yeah. So I one I'm going to tell you you you sound like a guy that spends a lot of time in your own head. Is that fair?
>> Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
>> Okay. I want you to get that stuff out of your head and I want you to come up with one or two actions you can take daily towards becoming a guy that you have confidence in.
>> Okay. And this is a man who keeps his promises to himself. And even if it's good economics, even if it's good for the time being, even if it makes everybody at peace, I'm getting the sense that and and you and I could peel it back for a couple of hours, but you are unsettled with you.
>> That's fair.
>> It could be that your wife is going to be a medical doctor and you feel less than. It could be that the fact that you got married and now you're back at your parents house. It could it could be a thousand different things. But this anxiousness, this dragging future problems and holding them in the present isn't helping you, but it's causing you to lose faith and trust in you. And then your wife can't anchor into you. You just begin to spin and loop and loop and loop and loop. Does that sound familiar?
>> It does. It does. Yeah. [clears throat]
>> So, making and not going crazy. I go bananas. My wife always makes fun of me. She calls me uh like January John. She that's her favorite guy in the world because he's crazy. Like I'm gonna do it all. I'm gonna lose 40 pounds. I'm gonna be on time every day. And I just man I just go she But I I'm telling you get two things. I will not budge. I don't care if it's midnight and I just got off my second shift from my second job and I'm going to go exercise for at least 20 minutes cuz I said I would. And I want you to begin a practice of building trust in you. That's number one. Number two, take your old man out and say, "I'm a young married guy and I got a lot to learn. I want to get to know you." And then just throw some questions down on the table and let the old man go.
>> Yeah.
>> And if faith comes up, you can tell him, "Yeah, man. I struggle with that Catholic guilt my whole life. I'm kind of in a place where I don't believe in much of nothing right now and I'm still thinking through it. I'm still working through it or I'm pretty settled. I just as for me right now it's not for me. And by the way, I had a whole I had years where I didn't I was a complete and total atheist. Didn't believe in any of it. But I knew the data that said getting up and having a faith community was good for my body. So I still went. It meant something to my wife and to my family. So I went and that ended up being a path back to something that I never could have imagined cuz the practice was good. Right? If you're going to an abusive faith community, then no, don't go to that. Run from that. Right? But when it's like I don't know, I wear pretty much the same thing all the time. Always. Always. And if I'm going somewhere nice, I went to a funeral the other day. I dressed up and I didn't feel comfortable in my clothes, but I dressed up because it was the right thing to do. It was a way to honor that person's family who died. And I may not go to the church my parents go to. I mean, would never have attended, but if I go to town and I'm in town with my family and they're all getting up to go, I'm going to go with them. You get what I'm saying?
>> I do. Yeah.
>> If it's abusive and I think it's revolting, then I'm not going to go. And I'll have that conversation before, but it sounds like you are try you're uncomfortable in your own skin right now and the way you're trying to become comfortable is to seek comfort. And that sounds exactly like the path, but I want to tell you it's counterintuitive. It doesn't work that way. Actually, if you are uncomfortable in your own chest, you seek more discomfort because on the other side of that, you become somebody that you can trust. And that's where true comfort is. And I know that sounds crazy. Read my buddy Michael Easter's book, The Comfort Crisis. It's a masterpiece. So, to answer your big question, if given all I've heard from your situation, yes, I would just go to church with my dad, man, because it makes him feel whole and good, and that's a way I can love somebody, especially somebody that I'm living in their house right now. It'd be a way to love my mom and it's not a big violation of my values. It's just not something I believe in. But for you, it's like going to a movie once a week. Like, I I know Tom Cruz isn't whatever, but I'll go. And also, it sounds like you want to get to know your old man. Great, dude. Y'all start a weekly breakfast together. And it seems like you need to start thinking about who do I want to be when it comes to my profession. That's awesome. And by the way, I probably wouldn't anchor in too deeply because your wife may get matched at some medical school all the way on the other side of the country. Cool. But I'm going to start taking action steps, not sitting there ruminating. I'm going to commit to a thing for 90 days. I'm going to go do it.