Transcription
Our next guest is a very funny man, starring in his own television program entitled "A Minute with Stan Hooper." Ladies and gentlemen, Silas and Norm Macdonald!
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Well, it is exciting. You, you, you know the feeling. You have a son. I have a son. He's older. He's got to be at least eight. When he's first born, you know, it's the most, you know, this the most exciting thing that that's ever happened. That's right. Yes. And I'll never forget it. And then six months later, I went hang gliding. Way more exciting. Wow. All right. Well, I'll give that a try. Hang gliding? You see? Yeah. All right.
Now, what's new in your life? Tell us about things that have been going on for you. What do you been up to? I'm not sure. Been, it's a madhouse back there, man, with the animals and Stan's back there. Way to Stan, cancer. He's there with an animal. What's new in your life? How are things going with you? Going good. Going good. I, I'm worried about my health. You know, I went to go in and out of the Mayo Clinic. Familiar with that? Yeah, up in Rochester. And I was, you know, a regular doctor for a while, but these guys suck. They always want to make you feel better, you know, no matter what. You know what I'm saying? Go take your blood pressure and then they go, whatever I got there, they go, 180 over nine. You go, what's that mean? They hit your knee with a hammer. Yeah, yeah, like from the cartoons. And it, and so they may hit your knee, your knee goes, "Avenue!" Excellent. Exactly how your knee should respond when struck by a hammer. So you're saying you didn't feel like you're getting a thorough examination? I don't know. And I want a thorough. So I thought I'd go to the Mayo Clinic and I'll get examined by everybody, you know, everybody, everybody. So I go there and I go to all the doctors, you know. I go to the throat doctor. Right. Doctor. I go to the nose doctor. I go to the stomach doctor. I go to the ass doctor. You know, the ass doctor? The ass doctor. Yeah. I'll tell you something, man. That's the most important doctor. First, that was a little suspicious because I know that in medical school, there comes a time when you have to pick your specialty. All right. Stop it. Stop it. It is very important. Quite seriously, because a lot of, and you know, you're very nervous about that examination. No, because you know, you don't want it to be painful and you know, a lot to be enjoyable. But anyway, so I went to every guy, you know, on every doctor. And I do a thing. I have a little trick with the doctors. I tell them symptoms I don't have. So I get a thorough examination. Tray. Go to the throat diner. Go, "My throat hurts all the time. A constant pain in my throat." The guy's like, "Good Lord." So it gives me a real thorough. And then the stomach doctor, a real thorough. You know, I don't want to talk about the ass doctor. But I go through all the doctors, you know. And I like wheezing and coughing and and so then I get the thorough examination. And how did, how did it learn out? Clean bill of health. Congratulations. Absolutely. Must be a huge piece of mind for it. Yeah, yeah. It gives you peace of mind, you know, for a while. Because doctors really, you know, they can't. That's all they can do is give you not bad news, you know. They can only tell you you have nothing. They can't. They never give you good. You never like the doctor. I'll come out and go, "Good news is the blood test came back. You're immortal." Yeah, that's not gonna happen. They just tell you got nothing. Yet, keep coming back and I'll give you some piece of news. It'll shatter your life. But so anyways, about six months later, I said, "I'll get me some life insurance." Because I have my kid. That's he's got to be at least six. I'll get some life insurance because this is irresponsible of me not to have life insurance. So I apply for life insurance. Every life insurance company turns me down. Why? And then I go, "Holy Lord, something's wrong with ya." Because maybe Mayo Clinic like lost a file or switched the records? Which the records often happens. No, I don't know. The Mayo Clinic, that often happens. No, no, no. But at the lesser, lesser clinics. So, so anyways, I find out that the insurance company is privy to all the doctor's notes and everything. Oh, to the day they had me like with severe abdominal pain, rectal bleeding. Ensure you with your little scheme backfired. Don't like a million dollars in currency. You end up in half a million.
What have you been doing, Stephanie? Oh, you're probably really busy with the show. But you ever get to go out and do? Yeah, I've been, I've been show business for a while and I do the smoky nightclubs, you know. And recently, a place at a dude, I say, "Hey, would you mind going to this hospital, you know, to to entertain, you know, the orderlies and the people in the hospital?" I thought that'd be a nice thing because I don't do a great deal of nice things. So I'm sorry. Wait a minute. You say you don't know how to draw? I don't know yet, but I will. I'll learn as my child approaches this 13th. Perfect. Yeah. So I go to the, I go the last one. The guy Sid Younger's that books this gig, he tells me, you know, you know, you just talk to you, you entertain for the orderlies and the staff and the patients, you know. And I, I get there. So drive me there and looking for the hospital and everything. And we're getting close to the hospital. And all of a sudden, I see you'd like some barbed wire. All right. And there's guards and everything. There's a big giant sign. It says, "State Hospital for the Criminally Insane." So now I'm in first an idea. Everything. And I get in. And now I'm going, "I don't even know if these people deserve a show." Well, if you can brighten anyone's day, I think brighten the day as somebody just slaughtered their family. So I get in there, you know, and I'm like, "All right, well, I guess I'll do it. I'm committed to do it." I go, "Where do I perform?" Like a cafeteria or something? Guys like, "No, we got a theater." Theater in the State Hospital for the Criminally [Laughter] people. And there's like 40 criminally insane guys. And and he has the head like an old by 11 ears on my neck. But it was ridiculous introducing me to these guys. Right. It was like, "Ladies and gentlemen, you know, I'm from Evening at the Improv and George Slobber's Comedy Club. Sean McDonald, you know." There's nothing there. All muttering criminally insane things. [Applause] Walk. I've never had this. I'm walking towards the mic and I start getting heckled. Like, "Nice shoes." [ __ ] that's not good. So I go up and there's all kinds of same things. One guy goes, "Where's the Statler Brothers?" To the mic yet. So I get there and then I started talking. I asked her with my answering machine bit, you know, I just have a nice ed said to them. I said, "Well, that's the beauty of it. I can..." [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause]
Our next guest is a very funny man who has a brand-new comedy album right here entitled "Ridiculous." It's in stores now. Here's the always entertaining Norm Macdonald.
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You look great. I do. Yeah. I mean, we're, well, thank you very much. We haven't seen you in a while, and you look like you're really in shape. You taking care of yourself? You're working out? What's going on here? Yeah, I'm all right. I, I, my cholesterol was, I had problems with my cholesterol. So I went to my doctor last year and I got my cholesterol checked, right? And then I came back again this year. And he's like, "How you doing?" "That cholesterol?" And I go, "I'm not doing it." And he goes, he goes, "Well, I'm looking at your file here and last year it showed that your cholesterol is alarmingly high." Oh. So I go, "Well, you didn't tell me that." And he said, "You know, I told you that." And I go, "No, I would remember that phrase, 'alarmingly high,' you know." So he says, "Well, let's do it again, you know." And I go, "Well, I like the new." In his eating cake and, you know, swallowing it, chugging half and half. So I go, "I know that the trash chugging, too. I know the test will come back and it will be whatever the word is that's worse than alarmingly high, you know." So I was so scared, you know. So it comes back and it's really off the charts, you know. And I'm like, "God, geez, man, are you gonna have to do a Letterman on me there?" You know, because I don't, I don't like that stuff. And he goes, he goes, "No, we haven't reached that level yet, you know. Your cholesterol was high. You can lower it." But he goes, "I have to warn you, you have to lower it or we're gonna have to do a Letterman on you." So I said, "Okay, you know." And I went on this incredible, like, I did it myself. I just checked the www computer and I found out all the things. And in ten weeks, I had my cardiologist was like stunned. She's worked in the field for 26 years. I've never seen it. But anyways, from 296 to 120. Whoa. But the only bad thing is, they have bad cholesterol, good cholesterol. Mmm. I got a good one of the cholesterol didn't change. And my cardiologist explained to me that that cholesterol only be changed by exercise. Sounds like I, you know. So because I'm really good at not doing things, like not eating stuff, but I'm bad at going out and doing stuff. And I saw when I got a trainer. And it was all not good. Chuck. Yeah, man alive. Holy crow. Yeah. Well, it looks like it's paid off. It does. Yeah. What kind of stuff was a trainer doing with it? He was a, these guys are like superhuman. They look like, too ripped rock, you know, from earlier, you know. They're like super human beings, you know. So they think you can do what they can do, you know. And then I've told the guy, "50 bucks an hour." I said, "Look, don't try to earn your money or anything like that, you know. All I want to do is get my cholesterol down. I don't care to have a vein in my arm. No use for abs. I just want to not die." But he's like, he's like, "I know what you can take. I know what you can handle, you know." And I'm like, you know. So he's got me doing the bench presses. And then he do this trick like you go, "Okay, we're gonna fifteen." "You know, five more, three or four more, three more, two, one, one." "I'm ten more." And I go, "What? What do you say? 25 in the first place?" You know. So anyways, I'm in the gym now and we're doing the things. And over in the corner, a fracas happens. A little thing. I wear and turned out guy had a heart attack. And they took him away. I'm like, "What?" "Huh?" He's like, "Yeah, man. I hope they drive to do a Letterman on that guy." [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]
Now, you, you did some traveling, I guess. Some food left. So you were indeed. I did. I never been overseas. And I went to Amsterdam. My dad was in World War II. He's a lot older than I obviously was older than I was. He had me when he was an older fellow. He, he served in World War II and he liberated Holland, you know, from the icy grip of that dork Hitler, you know. So, and, you know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him. [Laughter] And nothing. There's nothing redeeming about the guy. I told you guys, they go, "How on earth could these Germans like follow this lunatic?" You know, and they're like, "Oh, he was an incredible public speaker. You know, he could, oh, he could hypnotize you with his public speaking." And then I see him. He's like, it's not my idea of a silver-tongued devil. Yeah. Not the point. The point is, my dad went over and he liberated on. I'll tell you something about the Dutch. They don't forget. You know, my dad, a dirt-poor farmer, you know, couldn't be poor, went over to Holland, liberated the country. And and they've never forgot. Every five years, he would go and they would throw petals, you know, and and it was fantastic. So grateful the Dutch what the Canadians had done. No, I, I went over in the Canadian Army, right? Yeah. Well, there was my dad, but yeah. No, I, I use my dad as a surrogate for the entire Canadian up. But so I went over because my dad's dead. And so I said, "I'd be great to see, you know." And so I went to a hog, went to Amsterdam. And oh, my lord. At first, you know, it's a picturesque place. People are driving around their bicycles over cobblestone streets with canals, as we do, to pull windmills. And it looks. But then the whole country's got a hell in a handbag. You would not believe this. They got, you can do drugs legally. Really? Legally. They have place called coffeeshops, right? So I went into one. I said, "A man, like a copy." "But can I have a copy?" They're like, "We don't have coffee copies out." "Yeah, we got drugs." "I don't want drugs." "That's wrong." "How are you talking about?" You know. And then prostitutes have prostitutes in the window. You walk along and this process in the window that you can go and have a legal set. It's legal there. And it's all ass over teakettle wrong, you know, you know, crazy people. Just not right. So a guy's one night, I was going back to my hotel. And I'm going back to my hotel. And I can't find my hotel because everything's in, you know, they're all foreigners. So it's all different language, hard to find streets and stuff. So I was walking out forever. Finally, I see my hotel, you know. And I get there. And there's but there's a red light. You know. And have you ever been in those places where not a red light, like a red-light district? A traffic stop light was red. And you know, when the red never changes? Every bit of an experience. So that I'm standing there in the red. A minute goes by. Two minutes go by. Three minutes go by. Whatever. Every minutes go by. And and it never changes. And there's no traffic at all. So if I go, "I'll just walk across the red light, right?" Put hard for me down. Walk cross red light. Immediately a police officer comes riding a bicycle. So then this guy, you know, he's like, "It's gross," you know, talking with this for another thing. And so he writes me a ticket, you know. I go, "Are you kidding me? Your country's a bunch of drug smoke and prostitute. And also, if it wasn't for my dad, then that guy wouldn't let get to death the freedom to drive his fruity bicycle anyway, you know." Yeah, he'd be living in a country where a guy was going.
You see "Ridiculous" in stores now. Norm, always a pleasure. Oh, it's great. [Applause] You.
Our next guest here. Guy. He comes out and he's just funny. That's all this guy. Love this. I mean, I mean, charming, sure. Personable, sure. His hygiene, maybe. But moreover, all he really is, is funny. He will be performing tomorrow and through this weekend at Caroline's, which is right across the street on Broadway. Here's the always entertaining Norm Macdonald.
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I'm so glad you're back, Norm. We haven't seen you in quite a while. I'm glad to see you. How have you been and what do you been doing? Oh, man. Nothing compared to you. Congratulations on young Harry. Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, it's a good boy. Yeah. Yes, son. Oh, I have a son. Yeah. A little older. He's, uh, I want to say he's 10 or 15. The point is this, you, I want to give you a little advice. First of all, they get less cute. Oh, yeah. And you got it when they're young. You got to do certain things. For instance, with, because you love your child more than anything, obviously. And when I was young and I had my little boy, Dagwood. Mmm-hmm. Faymann. Name is Dagwood. I named him after the literary figure, Dagwood Bumstead. His name is Dylan. Dylan, named after Dylan Thomas. Thomas, because my father read me "A Child's Christmas in Wales" every Christmas. So when you're when the kids young, as Dylan was, I used to play basketball with him. And I would always let him win because I figured that was the thing to do as a father. Now he's 16 years old and he can beat me easily. Oh. Now he thinks that he's always been able to beat me. I told him, I said, "No, no, I used to let you win." He's like, "Hmm." So my advice is, beat the hell out of Harry while I can. Well, you can. Not sure that I can't even now. You, you think about the future and taking care of him in the future, you know, because yes, you got to keep your affairs in order just in case anything happens. You know, you got to have a will. And now you got to have the living, living will in case you get incapacitated in life. You have to say what your wishes are, you know. And I made out a living will and I said, "Whatever you do, don't pull that damn plug." Because really, yeah, yeah. Because I tell you what happens. As soon as you get there, you're incapacitated. They get your relatives and your friends around. They go, "Hey, Norm's incapacitated. Any of you guys know?" And they're like, "Oh, yeah. I remember Norm's and we wanted he wanted to get killed. And then we don't have to visit him no more." Yeah. So, so I, I have, I and I also don't have a plug. I have a series of plugs. I don't want one plug. Right. When I'm janitors come with the wide broom, not got my plug, you know. My other suspenders. Exact. I'm, said, "Hey, you don't want to be a burden." I'm like, "Good Lord, I hope I, you know, don't want to be a burden. I'm lying there incapacitated. You know, you can't take ten minutes out of your bridge game to come touch my hand." [Laughter] I agree. I agree with you, Norm. Yeah. Some people then they're living real. They go, "No, I'd much rather not lie in this comfortable bed. Please bury me in the earth." Two points of view on that, Norm. I remember years ago, you told me that you were there for the birth of your son. And I always remembered. And you said that was the most exciting thing you would ever participated in. You remember that? Yes. Yes. And then, and then what happened? I took crystal meth. Oh, no. You did? No. And then you said a couple of weeks later, you went skydiving. Oh, is that? Yeah. That was hang gliding. Yeah. And how was that compared to the birth? I have to do your act for you now. Is that what it's come to? And you said that was much more exciting than the birth. That's above us. All right. I tell you what, we'll be right back here with Norm Macdonald. [Music] [Applause] [Music] Boy, oh boy, Norm. About [Music] [Applause]
How about Leonard Nimoy? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was great. It's thrilling. We got like that. I met in the airport. I met Matlock. Matlock is Andy Griffith. Yeah. And he used to call himself Andy Griffith. Now he goes by Ben Matlock. Really? Close himself in Matlock. But so, yeah, I went into the airport and he was in there. And, you know, the bookstores they have. And so he's in there. He's reading a big one, big thick books, you know. I'm smart. Yeah. So I'm standing over there. I'm looking to leafing through a Jughead comic. I see him over there. I'm gonna sidle up beside old Ben Matlock. Yeah. And I'm gonna grab my big books myself. You don't have to know nothing. Sure. Pretty soon we get in a conversation. We started talking. And I find out how he ever solved that case. We're glad Claude Akins killed. Do you remember? Anyways, whatever. I wanted to talk right. So take ten minutes. I'm talking to him. I'm talking to. He's very friendly, very outgoing, and everything like that. And it was really nice. Then all of a sudden, I realized it wasn't Ben Matlock at all. Really. It's not Andy Griffith. Yeah. Just some old man. And morale, you know, a responsibility to tell people instantly. That never thought of it. And you're sure it wasn't him? Oh, yeah. Because he just kept yapping and yapping. And now, congratulations. You've given up smoking. I did. I quit smoking. It's great news, Norm. Were you up? Lifelong smoker? Yeah. Yeah. I smell lifelong smoker. Your life long? All your life? Oh, of course not all my life. I mean, you start early. Yeah. Well, one, I smoked for a long time. And I smoked as much as you could people to ask me how many packs a day I smoked from when I woke up to when I went to sleep. So you could not smoke more than I did. But I quit. I tried different things. But I quit. I finally quit through sheer tyranny of will. Oh, really? Yeah. One guy, one guy wanted me to try hypnosis. I've heard about that. Yeah. And, you know, who worked for him and everything like that. But I didn't want to do that on account. I'd rather smoke, to tell you the truth. Because I don't want to think of myself as that susceptible to, you know what I mean? But you're kind of soft in the year. Yeah. Like I don't want to go, "Hey, good news. I quit smoking." "Bad news. I no longer have free will." Yeah, I can see that's a real dilemma. Absolutely. Go ahead. Did you, did you ever work with a hypnotist? Written? I think no. But I saw a hypnotist when I, when I was a boy. When I was a teenager. He Ravine the impossible. The impossible-ism. And you saw him in a theater. That's in a big theater. And I don't have you ever seen these shows? They bring up guys from the audience and they tire for them. And then one guy can speak Martian. And then he touched the other guy who he can do something else. He's a, and then a quarterback. And then another guy's a chicken. Anyways, they go, go. And everybody runs around. So anyways, I'll never forget it. Sitting there on the island, my brother and the guy who thought he was a chicken came running by me, pecking at things. And, you know, what the [ __ ] can I live? So it was banking, you know, growing species and all sorts of things. So we exits. Anyways, and then after the show, I'm quite astonished by the whole thing because I'm only a young lad. And I go out into the parking lot. I see the guy. There's the guy that was the chicken. So I walk up to the guy. I go, "Man, how'd that feel? It must have been amazing. You feel like a chicken, right? How did that feel?" And he goes, "Oh, it was cool. Really something. I don't know. You know, because imagine if for 15 minutes you thought you were a chicken, right? Then afterwards, you'd be like, and there I go, 'Hi, say, happy feel, act like a chicken here.' Uh, you know, he'd have to spend the rest of his life trying to get back on track because his mind had been shattered, shattered by the experience of being a chicken." Of course. Well, I guess not. Norm, we're running out of time. But I would be remiss here if I didn't bring up something. People have been bothering me about this for months and months. People go on their show view and they say, "When the next time you see Norm Macdonald, he's got some tremendous stories about the great Bob Uecker." Now, do you have a story you can tell us about Bob Uecker, voice of the Milwaukee Brewers? Well, Bob Uecker is the, is one of my best friends. Is a great man. I know. I already told a story how many was there. And Bob was not too thrilled with that. Startling hurt. I already like. Yeah. But Bob is a very, very funny man. And and I, I go off and going to booth with him, you know. Sure. So one time we were there and John Fogerty was in the audience, you know. "Fortunate Son," you know. So John Fogerty was there. So Bob Uecker is a very interesting guy. He thinks of everybody is the same. He doesn't think of people as stars, right? Now, that he's a very down-to-earth guy. So he was talking to me. He says, "Hey, man, you know that guy?" I go, "Yeah." Goes, "That's John Fogerty, rock and roll singer." Yeah, man. He goes, "But I played in a golf tournament with him." He goes, "You probably think of him as some that likes to bite the heads off of chickens." But this guy can [Applause] That's exactly how I think of it. This guy can get it out of the sand trap like nobody's got a hell of a set of pipes on it. Goes, "Come to seventh-inning stretch. I'll have him up here. I'll sing for you." "No, no, don't do that. I don't have him come up and be for me, please." You know, because what's matter, man? Don't even know who he is? You know. Yes, Bob. I know who he is. It did Creedence Clearwater Revival. Yeah, yeah. [Laughter] [Applause] Like, good. Now, listen. Right across the street on Broadway, there's Caroline's. And the show. Love to get Bob on the show. He'll be there tomorrow through May 10th. Oh, that's a nice long run for you there. Across the street. Too. I like a lady way to sell tickets, Norm. And he'll be at the Helium Club June 18th through the 20th. And Philadelphia. Gosh, I hope we see a sooner than however long it's been. Always a pleasure. It's Norm Macdonald. Lady Dylan. [Applause] [Music] [Applause]
Our first guest is a very funny man and the star of a very funny brand-new television program entitled "Sport Show with Norm Macdonald." And you can see it at the April 12th on Comedy Central. Here is the always entertaining Norm Macdonald.
Lady [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]
I saw that show today, Norm. Very funny. What show? The TV show. Yeah, your TV show. Congratulations. And by the way, you look very youthful. And how come we haven't seen you in two years? Oh, how come I haven't been here in two years? Yeah, man. I've been dizzy. Got a kid, you know. I know you got a kid. Yeah, I do. How old's Harry? He's seven. Yeah. Danny, they grow up so slow. No, don't. It's barely discernible. He's 18. They get far less cute. Yeah. What is cute when they're on the lawn punching you in the chest? Yeah. Anyway, it's good to have you here. It's good. In addition to the new show, "The Norm Macdonald Sport Show," you have, you have like your, was it your first stand-up special? Yes, I did a Comedy Central special, right? One of 40 they did this year on Comedy Central. But it was fun. But I got a weird time. They showed it at at 11:30 on Saturday. And it turned out that that was during this thing called Earth Hour. I think some people know what it is. On Earth Hour, you have to turn off your electricity. Wow. And as you know, as I know, and as they apparently know, TVs are powered by electricity. So, and furthermore, my key demographic is damn dirty hippies. Oh, man. You know, took one on the chin there. Yeah. Now, listen, I'm very surprised and impressed about this. That you, you, you've built kind of like a Twitter following. Yes. I'm an internet sensation. Whoa. I didn't take you for a guy that would know about that kind of. I know all about that stuff. Really? When did you start Twitter? That's your weeks ago. Really? But this is what I did it for. The Oscars. The guy told me how to do it. I was watching the Oscars. And, you know, how horrible those were. And it was pretty easy to do. Just jokes instantly on how horrible everyone. And, you know, and some of the things were nice. Like it was nice to see Kirk Douglas, of course, you know. And he had that terrible stroke, which didn't affect his comic timing at all. But so I twittered. And I ended up twittering 190 tweets. Oh. And which was, it turns out, way too much. Really? So people started telling me to stop. Anyways, get this. Just earlier this having, right before we came on the show, I walked out here. I've been some kind of Twitter feud with Steve Martin. I know that. I know that. Steve also actively twitters. Yeah, yeah. So this is what happened. Dig this. You know how to tweet? No, you don't. Had a tweet? No. Where you've been? So, so, so I, he writes a tweet. I misunderstand it. I reply. Everybody says, "What?" He said, "Okay, well, this is what he said." "I'm not really that great at it, but he said he said, 'Has anybody seen my hat?' Now, I've looked every four for it. I can't find my hat." Right. So I say, "Was it a brown fedora with a red hat band?" But what I didn't know is he sent a Twitpic. Stop right there. Let me just say, if this is an example of Twitter communication, it's invaluable. What do you think I should answer? And this is the last thing you said to me. He goes, "This just came in nine seconds ago. He goes, 'Still mulling over this tweet from Norm to me. It's so enigmatic. Is it a put-down?'" I, I don't, honestly, I, I mean, he lost a hat, right? Yeah. And then you responded, "Is it with a red hat band?" Yeah. I don't. None of this makes any sense. It's a generational thing. [Music] What is it? I will tell you what's cool about the internet. And main internet sensation stuff on YouTube. Now, everybody, you know, I don't know if you remember about, but there's fame. And you get really, Andy Williams quote, "In the future, everybody will be famous for 25 minutes." Yes. I think of Andy Warhol. Andy Williams was "Moon River." And he wrote in generational. Yeah. Okay. But here's the thing. Like, for instance, have you ever heard of Harrison Schmitt? No. Okay. He walked on the moon. I didn't know that. Right. An astronaut. A guy who walked on the moon. There's very few people that have been in a position to go, "Hey, where's the moon?" There it is. Right. Well, you're right. That's a good point. Now, so 12 people have landed on the moon. Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin. Who else? Right. So this Harrison Schmitt fella must be going, "What the hell do I have to do to get famous?" Yeah. Meanwhile, the Kardashians. We know Khloe. We know. It's awful. Yeah. Louis, Louis Kardashian. Oh. We'll be right back with the Norfolk Donald's, everybody. [Applause] [Music]
No, you can tweet, tweet a Steve Martin. Can you tweet him right now? I can tweet it. All right. Just tell him that I said hi. Okay. Yeah. And then you're on the show. And okay. I said, "Awesome." And, oh, and this, I'm sorry about the hat. You know, that's great. Also, while I do this, I tell you this. The great thing about the blogosphere now. The great thing is this. That that you, you have friends. You see what I mean? Yeah. Now, on the computer, I have about a hundred sixty thousand friends. Oh. In real life, I have two. But I actually like my, I like my friends on the blogosphere here. Because this is the thing. Like, they're, they can go like, like in real life, right? Your friend will go, "Hey, my grandmother died this morning." And then you go, "Oh, good. Do you want to come over to my house and talk about it for four hours?" And then on this thing, your friend can go, "Hey, my grandmother died today." And then you go, "Unfollow." Normal. You know. I do. I remember that you were attacking a Steve Martin. Okay. I mean, if you just get that over to him by Labor Day, that'd be. You still gamble at the. If somebody told me that you did. You or did we know? Yeah. It's a gamble. I don't gamble anymore. Anymore. Was it a problem? Yeah. I got to be a problem, man. And then I tried to do it smart. Every time I try to do it smart, a bad thing would happen. No. What do you mean? Well, one time I was trying to handicap baseball, you know, which you can actually beat baseball with your handicapper properly. So I was trying to handicap. And I figured it out for like three hours. And I went down a book. And Miraj, a sports book. Went up to the feller, you know. And there was a guy beside me, a big fat guy, you know, with like over the N. And he's dressed like real rich, you know. He opened a big I - shake. He's filled with $10,000 chips. Pulls out like $750,000. And he's gonna bet on this boxer, boxer, you know, a fighter, you know. Yeah. And it was a four to one underdog. So I said, "I'm not gonna bet my baseball bet. I'll just bet on this four to one underdog, you know." Yeah, cuz this guy must know some. He's probably in the Mafia. So, so I go and watch. I watch this boxing match, dude. And the guy, my guy that I bid on, gets knocked out in 25 seconds. Whoa. So I go back to the book. I go, "What? That guy from the math you with it?" Because that guy's not for the math you. Goes, "That's all Longshot Louie. He's a rich guy. Loves long shots." Just there's just no winning, is there? There's no winning. Nobody ever. Now, this "Sport Show with Norm Macdonald" premieres. You know, it's my birthday, April 12th. I saw it this afternoon. Very funny show. And, and I think it's gonna be a huge hit for higher. Sports joke. Yeah. Oh, you're like racing cars, right? How about that Daytona 500? How about that kid that won, right? How old was he? Like him, 20. Yeah. Yeah. You've raced all around. You know where he went so fast? Apparently, he was texting the whole time. It's generational. The show premieres April 12th on Comedy Central. "Sport Show with Norm Macdonald." [Applause] [Music]
Our first guest is one of the this guy is actually funny. There's no two ways about it. Any way you look at it, up, down, left, right, he's funny. Wake him up in the middle of the night, he's funny. Drive cross-country with him, he's funny. Fight him, sparring session, he's funny. Have him come visit you in the hospital, he's nothing but funny. He'll be at Greenwood Village, Colorado, on April 24th and 25th. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Norm Macdonald. Come on!
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How're you doing, buddy? I'm doing well, sir. Goes crazy. Oh, okay. I've, I've been funny. So horrific. You can work more than funny, my friend. Boom. Some sort of practical joke at this point. I haven't seen it with a wild. I saw you on the Saturday Night Live of a 40th anniversary show. Oh, yeah. You were great on that. And what's been going on? Bring us up to date. What's been on your mind? I had a big pork chop for dinner. And I live in the momma, but my belly too big for the. Anyway, two things struck me while I was eating dinner. Day one, you eat dinner at a restaurant different than you eat dinner at your home. Like your home, you would never say, "Man, I made myself a pork chop. Cook it up 'til it's hot on one side, then turn it over on the other side, cooked it, and then cut into a little bit. I was going in the middle. But while I'm waiting for my pork chop to get nice and hot and delicious so I can eat it, first I'll need a big loaf of bread." So that's at home. Get 20 or 30 pats of butter. The other thing I noticed is dessert. Now, in the old days, dessert, the waiter would come to your table, go, "What you want for dessert? An apple pie or a cherry pie?" You go, "I'll have a cherry pie or apple pie." Don't no reason to divide the audiences early. You don't want to do that. No. But you would order your pie. You did. And everything would be fine on earth. Yeah. Nowadays, it's all different. Guy comes, he's got a big tray. He had a canted angle. Every confection known to man. Suddenly his tone changes. It's not like the pork chop anymore. Some kind of sexual undertones going on. It's like, "You like decadent things? You like not that much?" Oh, yeah. "Once in a while, I guess. May I tempt you?" "Please." "No, I'm a fella." "You're a fella." "It's embarrassing." "A little bit." Now, Norm, I know your age. None of my business. But let me just ask you this. Are you at that age when you start to notice your age is bringing different things to the party? Oh, yeah. I don't remember nothing no more. I used to remember everything, man. Remember all the presidents. Having trouble with the model. The Prime Ministers from Sir John A. Macdonald right up through Stephen Harper, Canadian Prime Minister. But now I can't remain. You know, as an actor, it's hard. I've heard. But I had a TV show once, Norm. I played Norm. That was the one time I was not funny. That was a fine show. But we had a great actor on it. And he was his name was Jack Warden. Remember Jack Warden? Worse. I remember Jeff. Great actor. I think they have a picture of Jack. You have a picture of Jack? There. Yes. You guys remember Jack? Likable by Broadway star. He was, he was on Broadway. He told me as in the man in the glass booth where he had to go an hour and a half, one single monologue. Now, I have a mime on my show, the Norm Show. I played Norm. And his memories got. And he didn't like it, you know. And it frustrated him. And I remember the, and I had to, I was in the scene with him. So I had to remember all my lines just in case he got his rice. So it was really hard on me. As Mohammed toll on you. Yeah. So I remember the first line he had. We're watching a hockey game. He's a tough old guy, playing a tough old guy. And he was like, his line was supposed to be, "I tell you, ignore me. Ha! He's no good anymore. Not since they, not since they put in the helmets." That was a line, right? So he looks over at me and just blank eyes. So I know her. You don't got nothing. But he's trying to use his acting skills, you know. So he looks at me, us, "No, I mean, I mean, on me." And you could see what he remembered through his, what he said. Like, cuz he said it at this exact moment. He'd go like, "No, I mean, I mean, uh, hockey, Namie." [Laughter] Hockey, Namie. And we're in the set is a rink. Oh, yeah. Hockey, Namie. I'll tell you about a cue, know me. I'll tell you, it's no good anymore. No, I mean, you know why it's no good anymore? No, I mean, I'll tell you right now. No, I mean, I mean. That was I really, I really appreciate you coming on here tonight. I don't know if you've heard, but we're not gonna be, I'm not gonna be around much longer. Yes, I understand. There's only 12 shows left. And this may be my last appearance. Well, I hope not. But so, as for us, I was gonna ask for a souvenir. You know, you're the first person to bring this up. And I'm touched. And I want to say to you, Norm, as a friend and as somebody I have admired your entire career, whatever you want is yours. Except Todd. You're not giving up the sweatshirt. All right. Look, anyone. Okay. Excellent. Well, maybe. Oh, I know what. No, wait a minute. That's Norm. Those are expensive. That's, yeah. Be careful. Oh, my God. Mom, look out. That's fine. It's still under warranty. Okay. We'll be right back with Norm Macdonald. [Music]
Have you, uh, I know as a, as a comedian, what at one of the places everybody wants to work because it's all right there. Oh, my God. I'm winded from that job. That, yeah. That's the very well. In all sincerity, I know you don't like to hear these things. Emotions. You're like mixing it like Nixon. But I will say, your hero was Johnny Carson. Yeah. Well, you are my Johnny Carson. Oh, stop it. [Applause] But what complicates things, what complicates things a little, Dave. Johnny Carson was also my Johnny Carson. Good. So I have to Johnny Carson. Let me just say something about you. One of the many things that I love about you has your love of George Miller, who was a great friend of. Oh, my God. I love George Yeller. Yeah. Can I do a George Miller joke? Yeah. Do it. George. Another joke. As a George Miller joke. He goes, "That I was watching Wild Kingdom with my mother." It said at the end, "Directed by Wolfgang Bauer, produced by Wolfgang Bauer." My mother said, "Do you suppose that's the same?" Well, my favorite joke, and it'll take a little explaining. I've pulled it over and over again. It was told by his girlfriend at his memorial after he had passed away. He and his girlfriend not getting along very well. And and George apparently one night had come into her apartment while she was gone and done some mischief. And so she called the police. And she sent them to George's house. And the cops are saying, "You know anything about this?" And he said, "Well, no. What happened?" He said, "Well, among other things, somebody wrote an obscenity on her bedside picture of Jesus Christ." And George said, "Oh, I thought that was Dan Fogelberg." [Applause] [Laughter] There's a passing resemblance. Yeah. So anyway, when you're in Las Vegas, Las Vegas, the artist slogan I've ever heard. "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." They say, of course, it's not true. You can't kill a person. Leave. They'll follow you across state lines. Are you back? You don't face a jury. Your peers. So I said, "What does that mean?" What does it mean? Like, what are they getting at? You know, I started ruminating about it. I quit old. I started whittling. Oh, you whittle? Yeah. When I ruminate, I Ritalin. Ruminate. Yeah. What handed in? And I said, "What does that actually mean?" What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? That came to me in a sudden. What it means is, you can have sex with a prostitute in Las Vegas, and she will not tell your wife. They're very discreet. Huh? In Vegas. They're not ladies. Gossipy. Small-town [ __ ] you know, these blabbermouths. The beauty part. Your Hank Johnson husband. God, I had sex in exchange for cash last night. World. Yeah. Now, Norm, is baseball beginning? And Bob Uecker, the great Bob Uecker, great catcher, a radio announcer now, forever for the Milwaukee Brewers. Funniest man there. Were a very, very funny guy. And it is a dirty. Any dirty? Very talked dirty. Is that a fact? Swears all the time. But you guys are pals. I love it. I love it. What do you? First met him at at Arizona at a spring training game. And I had just gotten a show, "The Norm Show." I played Norm. Everyone's talking about it. So, so Bob Uecker said, "Hey, man, what are you doing now?" So I go, "Oh, I got a show in Las." And he, Bob Uecker had already was a success. Was on a successful stand-up show called "Mr. Belvedere," which starred Christopher Hewett, who studied at the Oxford Academy as Mr. Belvedere, the butler to to Bob Uecker's character. So I said, "I'm doing a show, 'The Norm Show.' I play Norm." And he said to me, he goes, "Hey, man, you know Belvedere?" [Music] "No, I don't. I don't know Belvedere." And he goes, "Oh, man, great guy. Yeah. Big fat guy, but still nice." And he goes, "I'll tell you something about Belvedere you might not know." I go, "What's that?" He goes, "He loves fried mozzarella." I go, "How do you know that?" He goes, "Well, in the back of these TV shows, they have little things where you can get food. That a little stove, you know, with a skillet. And man, I put mozzarella. Yeah. And I'd feed it to him. And then one time, I got called into a big meeting. And all these muckety-mucks were were sitting around. They said, 'You got to stop feeding Belvedere.'" I said, "Man, he likes it." Now, what is the heat? But I will tell you, he's, I'm at one time I was with him. He did not swear.
The only time that he did not, you know, compulsively swear, and it was, we were playing golf at Troon in Arizona. And we, you got, was kind of a wistful moment. We got to the the ninth hole, and he looked out, and there were about six, but four guys and two women. They were, they were like, like real estate people, you know. And he looked out and he's, "Oh man," he goes, "the desert is one of the most beautiful places in the world."
"Norm, man, you know, you look out there at night, and it's just so kaleidoscopic, man. You can't help but believe in God, you know. It breaks my heart when I see these, these people putting up condos and, and, you know, just condo after condo over, over the most beautiful thing in nature." And then he looked at me and he realized, I think, that he hadn't said something dirty in a while. So he said, "Or maybe it's a, yeah, that's right. That's what I was thinking. Middle ground. No, we're just gonna, it's either zero or a hundred miles an hour, Norm. God bless your baby. Yeah, we're gonna see you. We're gonna see you whatever you're up to."
Ladies and gentlemen, could be the funniest man in the world. We got her paperwork on that. He'll be performing at Comedy Works, the Greenwood Plaza Village, in Colorado, April 24th, 25th. God bless you.
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You.
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Ladies and gentlemen, this is something exciting. Our next guest made his stand-up debut. I did not remember that. This man began his television stand-up debut with us 25 years ago. That I didn't know that. Very talented actor. Nobody funnier. Ladies and gentlemen, Norm Macdonald.
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Thanks, guys. Listen, I don't wanna brag, but me and Oprah are making the same money tonight. The show is loosened up considerably. I noticed watching Oprah and Dave. Time a weed and booze. I don't do either of those. The hardest read I ever did was LSD. And I remember as a kid, I was like 16. I remember they warned me. I said, "Hey, you gotta be careful with that LSD on account of you can get a flashback ten years and go by twenty years, thirty years, and a flashback will happen." So I thought, "Hey, that seems like a good deal. You tell me I'd buy a drug for five dollars, I eat us, I get high, and then 20 years later, I got high again."
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That's not the point. I like to stretch my drug dollar. The point is this. Ten years have passed. Twenty years have passed. Thirty years have passed. And no flashbacks. What a [ __ ] that turned out to be. Just more horse by the big ass in companies, that's all it is. But I can't believe it's been a quarter century since I made my television debut as a different bag man. You know, there's back then, I remember if you wanted to take a picture, you would use a camera, not a telephone. As a matter of fact, if you used the telephone, people would look at you odd. You stay there longer. What about in the old days when they took pictures of you, way, way back, you know, where they pulled that thing and exploded and separately? I got a picture of my great-grandfather. Thing took six hours to take your picture. And is the picture of my great-grandfather? One, they had every guy had one picture back then. And it's him like.
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I gotta get back. Feed them hogs. Who's gonna feed the hogs? Soon we gotta feed them high. Now, in the future, of course, will be different. Fifty years from now, people will be going like, "Hey, you want to see a hundred thousand pictures of my great-grandfather?"
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"I got him right here. Plus everything he did every day of his life." Hey, this occurred to me today. I, I did, which I had to show to you. This is a strange abbreviation when you think about it. I is short for I, and then D is short for densification.
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There goes flip that one. Know better. You know that watch the TV. I watch the news. Make you afraid. The news, you know, put all these stories on. Iraq, Iran, North Korea, you know, try to scare you, you know. But does it ever really scare you? Like, you ever wake up in the middle of night? North Korea, that little tiny country across the ocean. I wonder if this'll get me. Plus, didn't Mash settle at late 20 years ago? One day afterwards, that stupid show. There is one country that worries me, though. Not Iraq, not Iran, not North Korea. The only country that really worries me is the country of Germany. I don't know if you guys are history buffs or not. That's out in the early part of the previous century. Germany decided to go to war. And who did they go to war with? The world. Had never been tried before. And so you figure that would take about five seconds for the world to win. But there's actually close. Then about then, about 30 years pass. And Germany decides again to go to war. And again, it chooses as its enemy the world. And this time they have that guy. Strike at it. Clinically. That guy. I'm not even gonna dignify him by saying his name. But I think you know. I've done. But you think at that point, the world will go, "Listen, Germany, here's the deal. You know, you be a country. No more. On account of you keep attacking the world. But in your Mars or something." Anyways, lesson, folks. This will be my last time on the David Letterman Show. I understand. And you know, you know, you guys, we all know that David Letterman was the greatest talk show who, host who ever lived. But I, I remember Dave differently because the first time I saw him, I was 13 years old. I was living and I was living in Toronto, Canada. And I went to a talk show they had there. And David Letterman was the stand-up comedian on the show. And I loved stand-up. And David Letterman did this joke that I told everybody. This joke. I love this joke. It still stays with me. It was my favorite stand-up joke ever. So I'd like to do it for, if you'd like to hear, because I, I was on the street the other day and I saw a garbage truck. And on the back of the garbage truck, there was a small sign that said, "Please do not follow too closely." Another life simple pleasures ruined by a middling bureaucracy. Ladies and gentlemen, remember the old days when, when Dad and pile the kids in the station wagon, we'd all go out and follow a garbage truck. So anyways, I just like to say, I know that Mr. Letterman is not for the mawkish, and he has, he has no truck for the sentimental. But if something is true, it is not sentimental. And I say, unsure, I love you.
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Very funny, Norm. And thank you. Thank you for everything. We do. Norm Macdonald, ladies and gentlemen. That was very sweet. Good night, everybody. Now, stay tuned for James Corden. Belva, speaking. Give out everybody. The pants people.