Transcription
Hello. Today I want to talk a little bit about specific content that maybe creates a lot of shame, or people feel like there's something specifically wrong with them because they've gotten into some kind of sexual content which maybe is a little bit more deviant than the vanilla stuff, right? And I feel like most guys with a porn addiction get to that position. I'm not saying everyone does, but I know I did, and a lot of the guys we work with have as well. They often don't even need to really share that with us, but we've had a few guys who have shared certain things.
So, there was a comment like on a YouTube video from last week, and it was about find content. And basically, I think what the guy was saying is like he felt like there was something very specific about the find which would require extra help for him to like get out of that addiction. He used to have that thought at some point in his life, right? And what I want to do is just kind of like share how it really doesn't matter what addiction you have, or it really doesn't matter what content you're looking at. What matters is just how to stop and be in control of all your behaviors because all the thought patterns are actually going to be very, very similar. So it doesn't really matter whether it's fin or a different kind of sexual content or a different behavior altogether.
So Mary, do you want to just kind of like share your perspective on this? And I'll probably ask you a few more questions because it's really been your insights and education on all of this, which has completely transformed my mindset and helped me realize that, you know, all that time when I was looking at certain content, there wasn't actually anything really wrong with me. I just didn't have the right education and tools to deal with the problem that I had in the past.
Yeah. Well, you know, again, it's tolerance, right? With every addiction, you build a tolerance. Um, I had this guy down south, a young guy, and he was just like, he said, "Mary, you just, you don't know how bad the stuff I look at is. It's so bad." He was saying, and you could just see it, you could just hear it in his voice, you know, just how he felt so horrible about himself, you know. And I was like, you got to understand that, you know, I mean, you'd look at the person that is 500 lb and you go, "Oh my god, this is so bad." They'd be like, "Oh, there's something wrong with me. This is so bad." When you build a tolerance with addiction, you know, you just want more and more and more. And with pornography, you can, um, you can, you know, there's only so much time in a day, right? You can do so much. I mean, we've talked to guys that say, "I'm like doing it all day, every day. It's all I think about, right?" So then now if you go to something more extreme, whether it's fend, fem, whatever the heck you're, you know, people are doing, bestiality, I mean, there's all kinds of stuff, you know. Um, and then there can get into the younger stuff, right? And then that then you can get in real trouble, you know, you get caught doing that. And but it's about that tolerance cycle and wanting that relief from the desire. You know, it takes more and it's about addiction. It's not about who you are and that you were somehow rewired as from a kid. Here you are 10 years old, right? Something so wrong with you that you're gonna go and, you know, let someone use you as a footstool and give them thousands of dollars as they degrade you. You know, it's like, no, there's no 10-year-old that is wired for something like that. You know what I mean? It's just like, it's just it's not their fault, you know? It's that tolerance cycle of addiction, which happens most of the time with any addiction, not just pornography, you know.
Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And I think when you're struggling, like looking at certain content, you can just feel so much shame and feel like, "Oh my god, like why am I looking at this stuff?" And, uh, and it can really hit hard because there's few people that you probably feel willing to kind of open up about this stuff about, like you wouldn't really want to share it with people necessarily. And it can completely skew your perspective on like sexuality and things until you realize that actually the content isn't really the problem. It's like the thought patterns, like going into the thought patterns and seeing what's leading to you getting out of control because like it's a bit like once you're out of control and the addictive part of the mind's, you know, sort of taking over and it's pulling you around and it's, yeah, trying to get you to relapse. It's like at that point the addictive part of the mind is going to keep on trying to get you to watch more and more and more and more. And the desire for porn is insatiable. So you're just going to want it more. Like the more you give in and consent to helplessness and let the addictive part of the mind take over, the more you're going to let the addictive part of the mind take over. Like the more power and control over you, the addictive part of the mind will have. And so that's why everything we do is so focused on taking back that control from the addictive part of the mind by changing the thought patterns and knowing exactly how to deal with the addictive part of the mind in quite an assertive way. You know, it's not like we want to have a fight going on internally, but you do have to be quite assertive with a part of your mind to overcome porn addiction.
Yeah. You know, I just, I think of the comparison with porn addiction and food compulsion, you know, porn compulsion, food compulsion, and those extremes, right? I mean, you can eat a lot of food, right? You can eat a lot. You can eat a lot, but now it's like, okay, well, it's still, I'm not satiated, right? Because addiction is, an addictive desire is insatiable. That's what it is, you know. So like the guy I had who would, um, he would suck the jelly out of the jelly donuts and then reinject them with whipped cream. It's kind of now it's become this thing, you know, just to make this eating thing, which is still eating, you know, just more extreme and like whatever. But then, and then I think a really good example of it, you know, I don't want to say degenerating, but deteriorating, um, is bulimia, right? So now you're going to eat and you're going to eat and you're just not satiated because you just want to keep eating, but oh my god, you're so full and you're gaining so much weight. Now you're going to purge, right? And how extreme is that? And like now then, and then you go to anorexia. Now it's like, oh my god. So I'm not even going to go near it. So now this extreme of you're like bone thin, your organs are failing. Now there's really something wrong with you. Now you're diagnosed with eating disorders, you know, even though the original eating disorder was just the food compulsion, right? That became more extreme into bulimia and more extreme into anorexia and now you're you're diagnosed with an eating disorder. And they send these people to psychiatrists, you know, these people are a mess in the world of, you know, the medical community. It's like they're hopeless. They're helpless. They just, they've put them on lots and lots of medications. You know, it's the same thing. But, you know, with pornography, you can't become bulimic or anorexic. I mean, you can, you can like try to avoid everything so much that you're just feeling totally helpless. But it's the same pattern, it's the same tolerance cycle of addiction, you know. So for anyone to think that, you know, it's got to be specialized because it's fin or whatever, it's the same thing. It stems from the same addicted neural pathways, do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah. Yeah. Let me explain that a little bit more. And I think that was the thing for me which really, really helped alleviate some of the feelings of shame for me personally, is like watching the way you explained the solution without actually using the word porn. Like in phase one to phase three, you know, you don't talk about porn. Like of the methods, you talk about all these different compulsions, you know, you talk about nicotine, you talk about food, you talk about, you know, eating disorders and so on and many other ones as well, like gambling and other things. And because the solution that you created with Beyond Compulsion is so not about porn, it kind of helped me see that the whole problem that I had wasn't really to do with my sexuality and instead was just to do with compulsive desire and an inability to stop myself and think rationally.
Yeah. Well, it's like thinking that compulsive eating has to do with hunger. It has nothing to do with hunger. And, you know, to the point that they're like re-plumbing people's stomachs, you know, so that they're less hungry because their stomach is smaller. Has nothing to do with it. You know, nicotine addiction has nothing to do with your lungs. You know what I mean? It's like it's not what it's about. So I, that's good that you were able to see that correlation, you know, that and that I teach the phases all-inclusive as any addiction because I think that really alleviates any shame that could have developed early on in life around these around these desires, you know, to see that everybody's susceptible. Addiction is addiction, and when you get the pathways wired that way, then you do build the tolerance and you're just going to want more because it is insatiable, whether it's, you know, depend, you know, pick your addiction, whatever it is. It's the same process to rewire as it would be, you know, porn or food or whatever it is, you know.
Do you want to like explain a little bit more maybe the thought patterns that someone might have if they are struggling with food in particular, and any similarities that someone may have if they're struggling with a specific content that you know they feel shame around?
Like what do you mean like thought patterns? Like, "So wrong with me?" Like there's got to be something wrong with me that I want to do this, you know? That, I mean, just other than that, I, you know, there's basic junky thinking that they're going to convince themselves to keep engaging. But that would be that's so detrimental because if there's something wrong with you, then it's even more compelling, right? There's something wrong with you that and it's always going to be this way. And when you're feeling horrible about yourself, then when the addictive part of the mind comes in and says, "Well, just go ahead and, you know, inject those donuts with whipped cream." You know, then, well, there's something wrong with me. So of course I'm going to do that and I'm not going to be able to stop myself because I'm just, you know, it makes me think of the guy crying in the car that we did the video on who's the porn addict and crying and crying and crying, calling himself a monster, that there's something very innately wrong with him. I mean, look at how extreme that became, you know.
But self-deprecation junky thinking is that category is so detrimental because like I said, it gets you circling the drain, right? You're feeling absolutely horrible about yourself. The addictive part of the mind knows it. It's like, oh, let's just get feeling really like [ __ ]. And then everything out there's going to validate that, right? So now just, you know, go ahead and do it. And when you're that deep in circling the drain, how are you going to get rational and talk yourself out of that? It's very unlikely without a very powerful tool, you know, and an education to support knowing what's going on so that you actually don't end up circling the drain to begin with.
Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So, let's say you've got someone who's very, very obese and they're definitely in like a food compulsion. So, they might have the thoughts like, "I can't stop myself. Once I have one donut, I need to have the rest of the pack." They might say, "Oh, this is just my genetics. You know, I was, I'm always meant to be fat. Like, this is just who I am. I'm just a fat person." Um, things like that. You know, maybe my metabolism isn't quite right. And all these sort of junky thoughts that they probably use to rationalize and justify why they're overeating food in that specific moment that they choose to eat food. Because if you zone in and you really get like laser-focused on the moment and the real problem, you'll see that there's a moment when someone chooses to engage in a compulsive behavior. And for the overweight person, they have these rationalizations, these junky thoughts. With the person with the fin, it is quite similar then, isn't it? Because it's like you're probably going to be saying like, "Oh, you know, I'm worthless. I don't deserve a woman. You know, I deserve to be treated badly." Um, you know, "I'm inferior. I'm like subhuman. Maybe I don't deserve to actually have a real connection." You know, "These women are goddesses. I just should hand over all my money to them. I'm so deep in this addiction. What's wrong with me? I can't stop." I don't know exactly, but I imagine there may be some thought patterns like that, which, you know, they are kind of similar to the ones around the food, right?
Yeah. Well, the thing is too is then when you gain a lot of weight, or when just like you've gone to this extreme where you're, you know, giving all this money to these women, to these goddesses or whatever, then it's like, "Oh, I'm so far gone. I'm so far gone that I'm never going to be able to get out of this." And there was one thing you said right up front was like, "Oh, if I have a donut, I'm going to eat the whole box." Well, if you have a food compulsion, if you have a donut, the donut's not the problem. The donut is, you have the donut, you may want to eat the whole box, but we're living in a society now that if you want something, you just do it. You know, just do it. It's like you deserve it. It's a reward. And all that kind of thinking is so messed up rather than going, "Okay, donut's reasonable. You know, someone brought donuts to work. I have a donut, but now I want to like go sneak in the back and start scarfing all the donuts." You know, it's like, well, that, you know, you can deal with that desire. You can treat that desire correctly. So, you can have a damn doughnut without hiding in the back reinjecting them with whipped cream or whatever, you know. It's, yeah, but it is, I think it is very similar because when you come to such an extreme place, it's easier for the addictive part of the mind for you to fall prey to that it beating you up right and telling you that you're a worthless piece of [ __ ] anyway, you know. So, which is interesting because the femdom, they are basically telling you, you are a worthless piece of [ __ ]. Kneel down there. We're going to use you as a footstool. You and they, they talk to him like that. You useless piece of [ __ ]. Give me more money right now. And the guys are giving them more money, you know.
And the thing is is those women, they're not that much different from the addictive part of the mind as far as like, you know, the addictive part of the mind will jump right on board and start making you feeling like [ __ ] about yourself, right? So that you just give in and do this addiction even though it's completely and totally harming your life, right? That it's like they're, they're kind of like, you know, like partnering up with the addictive part of your mind, you know?
Yeah. You know, the diet industry partners up with the addictive part of your mind too. It's more of a subtle way, but it's basically the diet industry, the whole entire diet industry is validating that you are helpless.
Yeah. I can honestly just sit here and let you talk because everything you just said there, especially at the end around, you know, how the fin creators, the goddesses, they're like feeding on the addictive thoughts and like they're literally like teaming up with the addict by the mind. That's exactly what I was just thinking there because it's so true. And you might have the thought of like, okay, let's say you start out, you create an OnlyFans account, you pay £10 for the first ever time. And then there's some fin goddess woman, whatever. She, like, I don't know, maybe they can message you. I don't really know the ins and outs of OnlyFans, but she's there and she's like, "Oh, you're a loser. You are paying for OnlyFans. Oh my god, you're pathetic. You know, pay me another £10." And it's like the exact same thought that you have if you know you've eaten that first donut and you go, "Oh, I'm so fat. Like, why do I keep eating these donuts? Oh, I may as well eat some more donuts."
But it's like the finn on women are like basically doing the same [ __ ]. And it's just like really, really like taking advantage of vulnerable people who really in that moment, they are struggling with addiction. That's what's going on.
And then take like all this stuff we've roasted all this [ __ ] advice out there. Now these people are, they know they're miserable. They're like, "Well, I'll go try to, you know, use some of this advice of the doctors with a million views, you know, and all this kind of shit." Right now they're going, "Okay, well, I've done all my, reduce all my triggers. I've done all my distractions. I've done all I tried to work. I did all this, all these things, and it hasn't helped me. So now there really is something wrong with me." And it's interesting that you brought up the OnlyFans because I was just going to say that too, you know, cuz we, I mean, we've worked with guys that thrown thousands and thousands of dollars at these women, you know, but it does feed that because, "Oh my god, I got to, I'm paying this woman. I can't, and something's so wrong with me. I can't get a real girlfriend." And so I got to be on this screen with this woman who doesn't really give a [ __ ] about me. She just wants to make money and she's just bullshitting me into making me feel like I have some sort of value to her, you know. But it's, it's so, it's so interesting because it's like the OnlyFans, the Fendom women, you know, the [ __ ] women, whatever. They're basically teaming up with the addictive part of your mind. Not knowingly necessarily, but it's happening for sure. You know, talk about lose-lose. Holy crap.
Sorry, guys. Wow. Come to BCAG. Stop messing with that [ __ ]. We'll help you.
Help is here. 100%. 100%. Yeah. Let's wrap it up here, though. I do think this may help, you know, one or two people out, especially if you've gone down that route. I think the key takeaway is like, it's not actually really to do with your sexual desires. It's more just not knowing at this point in time how to put the rational mind in control when there's these certain thought patterns that come up which are wired a certain way and probably been wired that way for a while that has led to the tolerance cycle and progressively novel content. And now you're probably doubting yourself, feeling like there's something wrong with you when there really isn't. It's just the misinformation is making the problem worse. And then there's probably some people out there as well who are kind of feeding on those addictive thoughts in addition to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're making money, you know, all the diet industries, all the OnlyFans, all the obviously the fendoms are making money, you know. They're being exploited. So, yeah. Sorry, guys. You know, that sucks. But yeah, help is here. Come and get it. Come and get it.
Yeah. Absolutely. All right. Cool. Thank you for listening and we'll see you in the next one. Bye-bye.