Transcription
[Music] All right, let's go to Ashley. What's up, Ashley?
Hello, what's up? Hi, Dr. Johnone. Thank you for having me on your show.
You got it, Ashley. What's up?
Um, so my question is, how do you mourn the loss of your marriage while staying in it? Um, so basically, we're together and we're raising a family, but we're not together. Why? We're not seeing other people, but we're not. Do you want to be? Of course. Does the person you're married to want to be? Um, if he does, he doesn't show. Talk into the phone for me. Talk into the phone. His words and his actions don't say that. Um, I begged for counseling. I begged for, I mean, we can do anything. I a book, a podcast, a whatever he wants to come up with, um, to try to like rekindle. But I mean, ultimately, like everything I'm trying is being met with nothing. Nothing that's on his end. And I'm to the point that it's like, I just need to get over him, but I'm going to be with him for a long time. So it's hard to get over somebody you see every day.
Why have you done that to yourself? Why are you choosing this, this path forward?
Cuz I have no ideas like what else to do. Going, um, I wanted to see a therapist, but it's not financially in the books, nor do I have childcare for that. Um, I stay home with the babies, and my husband works.
Yeah, I, I, I don't. I'm gonna say this, it's gonna sound harsh, but I don't believe that. I believe you stay at home. I believe that you've could figure out a way to get to a counselor. In fact, I'm going to take that excuse from you. I'm going to give you three months of free Better Help counseling every week that you can do at your home.
How do you do it with kids? Cuz I'm like, I'm the primary parent. So how old are your kids?
One and three.
Do they not take naps?
Um, they're napping right now, but they haven't figured out how to get them to nap where I get more than like 30 minutes.
Okay. Like, I guess alone time. Do you have a friend with a 10-year-old who could come over and play?
Oh, why don't you? A pretty antisocial person.
Which I am social. I take my kids to do things, but I haven't really met people, I guess. And my only, um, like, I guess friend that I talk to has a newborn and a one-year-old or a two-year-old now.
Okay. My parents help out when they can. But you've created a world that you can't win in. And you've created a world that, um, where you are this sole victim inside of this trapped house. And I don't buy it. I think you could do different things. Why? Why are you thinking so little of yourself?
I don't know. I guess it's just a habit I've gotten into.
But please don't. You're worth more than this. Everything you're involved with is worth more than this. Your original question, you don't mourn a marriage. And just like you're, you're, you're mourning is something that happens when something dies. Are you telling me that right now, this early in your marriage, you're choosing death?
I mean, it's not super early. We're 13 years in, but, um, I'm not. I feel like I have to choose it. I feel like if I, I mean, I've begged, I've twiddled. And if he's not interested, like, what am I? What am I supposed to do? Love myself only and pretend like it's him that loves me?
No. Behavior is a language. He has left you. He's just too much of a coward to say it out loud. Well, sometimes you need to hear it. He has stopped being married to you. Or I'll even say it this way, he is cheating on you with silence.
Yeah, like, a thousand percent. Like, we're fine with all the big stuff, I guess, in life. Like working through finances and I guess the normal stuff people fight about. Those aren't the big things. The big things are, do you love me? The big things are, I'm watching my wife drown and I don't know how to help. Yeah. And I've used those words, like, especially at night when I'm at my wit's end. And I'm also pregnant and due with our third at the beginning of the year. And I'm like, sometimes I just need a minute. And I'll tell him that. And he doesn't get it or he doesn't care, is the way I perceive it. And like, how am I supposed to see somebody to help me figure out me when I mean, even showers are hard at this point.
Of course. So what you're, like, just so I'm clear, when your husband comes home and you have a three-year-old and a one-year-old, and you're very, very pregnant, and you start and you say, "How's your day?" He says, "Fine. How's yours?" And you say, "It was good. Um, I need 30 minutes by myself. I need you to watch the little ones for 30 minutes. I got a shower. I haven't showered. I haven't gone to the bathroom yet today." And he goes, "I'm doing that."
No, he says, "Of course you do," and acts like annoyed. And it's not that he's annoyed to play with the kids, cuz he, he's super great with the kids. Like, comes home and plays with them. And, um, but my youngest right now has become my velcro baby. And they're, she cries. And instead of him trying to like divert her attention to something else or do something else, and he just gets frustrated because she's going through whatever she's going through right now. And then I feel guilty. And I'm like, well, then just forget it because I don't want to put her through that.
Sweetheart, I mean, one-year-olds want their moms. And they cry sometimes. And when dads are frustrated and tense, kids feel the tension and the frustration, and they cry more. But if every time your kid cries and doesn't learn how to be close to Dad, and Dad doesn't learn how to get some little wins with this one-year-old, and you feel guilty and come rescue him and rescue her, you can't then turn around and play the martyr. Just let her be in that kind of.
Yes. And then say, offline, hey, here's two or three or four things that really help when she's crying like that. I see you trying hard. And I know it's hard when that baby just won't stop crying. And when she's just stuck to me like glue, I get that it's hard. Try these couple of things.
What he usually does is let her scream at the bathroom door. And it's like hard for me to take a shower. Or if she's just screaming at me at the baby gate while I'm trying to cook dinner, I can't have her with me because it's dangerous or something. And he won't come help. I mean, he'll say he'll call her a name and tell her to come back to him, but he doesn't actually like physically get her and distract her, which I feel like is, I mean, I guess is what I do. So I feel like that's what's best because of that age. But maybe that's not what's best. Maybe let them just.
No, try it out at the gate. Not what I'm saying at all. Not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that it sounds like a dad who's either a, a terrible human being, an absolute lazy, no-good husband/father who is so lazy he won't even get up and pick up his one-year-old who's screaming her brains out while mom's cooking dinner or mom's trying to go to the bathroom. That's either that, or he's a dad without any tools in his toolkit.
No, he's a, he's a horrible husband. He's an amazing father. I mean, he lets him cry or whatever, but like, just a different parenting style than I have, I guess.
Why haven't, why haven't you all talked about that? I mean, what do you? I guess I don't know. What, what do you say? In my house, my wife was super helpful because I never babysat. I had never changed a diaper before. I didn't know what I was doing.
Oh, no. I give him all the tips. Like, I'll even say, "Hey, will you take them out and swing them so I can get XYZ done?" And what does he say?
Like, doesn't feel like it. Where he, like, I feel like it's more like a control thing where he doesn't want to take my tips because he feels like I'm controlling the situation and he wants to watch the kids how he wants to watch the kids. And that's maybe it's the way I come across. Maybe it's the verbiage I use, but it's not my intention. I just want my kids not to cry at me.
So, so, and, and I'm trying to get somewhere offline when the kids are finally asleep and you crash on the couch and he crashes and you've turned and looked at him and said, "Hey, we're not okay."
Yeah. He says, "Hold on, be quiet. I'm trying to watch TV." No, he gets frustrated. Or like, half the time he'll just fall asleep mid-conversation. And I tell him, like, I'm like, "I'm at my breaking point in this marriage. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing this all on my own." Like, I mean, and he doesn't really, a lot of times, he doesn't respond. He just like will stare at me. "I'm not doing this with you today," or whatever. That's it. Like, I feel like he just locks up super tight and doesn't want to talk about anything.
But well, here's the deal. He's not here. I'm a talker. So I don't know how to get through any of it without talking and figuring it out. That's, that's good. But he's not here. So I'll ask you, why haven't you packed up and gone to your parents' house if you have kids that are screaming and a husband that won't help, that won't listen, that looks at you and says, "I'm not even, I'm not even going to honor you with a response. I'm just going to fall, fall asleep while you're talking. I'm not even going to listen to your helpful tips, even though you're with the kids all day and I'm clearly struggling." Why haven't you just gone to your parents? Why are you choosing to model this for your kids? This is, this is what love looks like.
Um, because there's a whole another aspect to the story that your call probably doesn't. But basically, he can be, uh, very vindictive and mean. And I don't want my kids taken from me.
Why would your kids get taken from you?
Because he has a violent history.
They wouldn't take them from you. They would take them from him. Has he hurt you in the past? Why are you still there?
Because I do love him. And I don't want to be. I don't know.
Ashley, you're not safe. You're not safe. Those kids aren't safe. Are you involved in something that if came to light, they would take your kids away from you? Are you struggling with addiction?
No. Then why would anybody?
What? I don't have any. I don't have any of those things, vices, if you will.
Okay. They usually don't take. In fact, they never take. But if I'm not a wife because he's chose to get rid of me, then where my babies going to go?
Do you think your husband's going to kill you?
I don't. I don't put myself in that situation anymore.
Let me be super clear with you. Let me be super clear with you. I'm about to call the local police in your area. You can't call this show and tell me that you're scared for your life and have me just do nothing.
I'm not. I'm only scared. First of all, I love him. And I want it to be with him.
Okay. He doesn't want to be with you, Ashley. He doesn't want to be with you.
[Music] Right. So I only options to leave. I'm asking you, you're telling me he won't talk to you, he won't listen to you, he won't engage with you. You're scared for your, you're scared for your life.
Relationship stuff. Well, you're drowning. You're dying. You called me on how to mourn something, how to be dead. I guess I was just hoping there was a happy ending somewhere if I could just find a way to be at peace with the cards I was dealt, the cards I chose. Because those cards aren't static. You can hand those cards back to the dealer and get another set. But you can't. You absolutely can't.
No, you can get back out there and raise your kids all alone and be that potentially person. But you're not gonna find, like, I don't feel like you can find anybody decent this day and age.
I think that's 1,000% incorrect. It's not even close to reality. And I know that because I talk to him every single day. Every day. Here's what I think. I think you've lived scared to death for so long. I think you're so exhausted. I think you've got another baby on the way, and that terrifies you. And as you said at the beginning of the call, you like to socially isolate. And your body is screaming at you that you're not safe and you're all by yourself. And when that happens, sometimes the whole world gets real dim. And so if you called me, my hope that you called is because you trust me. And I'm telling you, there is hope and there is light and there are people that will help. But you have to be willing to take their help. And you have to be willing to say, "I'm tired of living like this and I want to do something different."
When you're safe, then you grieve. I didn't want my marriage to look like this. I didn't want to be with a guy that was unsafe. I didn't want my kids to grow up like this. I didn't want to be a single mom with three little ones. Or I didn't want to have to go to a bunch of counseling and try to fix this thing. I don't even mind all that. I just wanted my love back.
I know, I know. But here's the deal. Here's what we're going to do. Couple things. Number one, Jenna is gonna ask you very specifically offline if you're safe. If there are any threats on your life, if there are, we're calling the police. Period. End of discussion. Number two, we're gonna get you some free counseling with our friends at Better Help. And you might have to call somebody over to your house for 30 minutes to watch your kid. Let somebody love you. You have to hear me say the greatest gift you can give your kids right now is that their mom is safe and whole. And that means the greatest gift is not letting them, you know, racing in there every time X, Y, or Z happens. It's making sure you talk to a professional therapist right now. It's making sure the police are involved if you're not safe or this person is violent. It's reaching out to your mom and dad. No, you didn't want that. But here we are. The third thing is, you got to go sit with your mom and with your dad, if they're safe, and say, "I need some help." And it might be asking him to leave. And if that's not safe or smart, then you pack up and say, "I got to be out here for 30 days while we figure out what's next." And if he calls and flips out and you say, "I've tried to tell you that I'm not safe in this marriage. That I'm not okay in this marriage. And if we're going to be back together, we got to build something new." But you don't just cash out that quiet life of desperation. This is just the way this is because people do change, especially when they get new tools. The sun comes up. And if worse comes to worse, there are some amazing people out in the world in this quote unquote day and age. There's a lot going on here, and you need to get to a professional ASAP. Please, please, please make that call today. I've taken away all the barriers for you. I want you to make that call. Hang on the line, and Jenna's going to pick up.