Transcription
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It sucks. I gotta tell you, that's some of the best klezmer we've ever had on the show. And the only, I just quickly would like to mention, those wonderful musicians are members of four groups: Brave Old World, Cappella, The Klezmer Conservatory Band, and The Cosmedix. So thank you, thank you.
And what do we, what should we know about klezmer? What does it mean? What is it? Well, klezmer is close as Jewish soul music. Jewish soul. And klezmer actually means instrument of song. And so people would go and have their various instruments. We just play for weddings and, and of course, as you could hear, you know, you would have to like, very long weddings. You could dance like seven days with kind of music like that.
Perfect note. You're snowbound here in the theater. It's great to see you again. Happy 1996, ladies. Whenever you want to come in and play anything, anything's welcome. Yes, sir. My thanks also to Sam Neill and her correspondent from Ohio on the street, Tim Barn Horse. Horst, I'm sorry.
Now, we're told that Norm Macdonald, because of the storm, he's snowed in and could not be here tonight. So when Norm gets himself dug out, we'll have him on the show at his earliest possible convenience. But Norm Macdonald, apparently a victim of the storm of 1996. Tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen, Pauly Shore will be here for the entire hour. I was at Pauly Shore gets through a Norma countless snowed-in room. I don't know. Do me a favor. Not now. Stay tuned for Tom Snyder on The Late Late Show. And by the way, today is Tom's first anniversary of being on the air here at CBS with The Late Late Show. Congratulations to Tom and his entire staff. We'll see you tomorrow night. Enjoy the snow. Good night, everybody.
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Okay, ladies and gentlemen, damn the luck, we're out of time. I want to thank Pauly Shore for being here and of course, all the joke-telling kids. Actually, Jed, by the way, how about a nice welcome for us? I'm sure I'm terribly sorry we've run out of time and I would ask you to come back another and we'll talk about you and your life and your family and the motion picture *Heat* with Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. Yes, but thank you very much and please come back another time. All right, I'm sorry about this. We won't let it happen again. I'm gonna eat so much room service on this town. You go. That's the spirit.
And I'm told that Norm Macdonald, who was also supposed to be with us this evening, because of the blizzard, is snowed in and could not be here. And we will schedule him. Thanks. Thanks for watching, everybody. Have a great night. We'll see you tomorrow. Thank you very much.
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That was wonderful. Thank you very much. That was very, very impressive. Now, let me ask you a couple of questions. Do you have to pay these guys? Yeah, you didn't think about that. Here, you just write the overture. You don't worry about paying them. How do you think of this stuff? Well, it somehow just pops, pops out. That's very impressive. Better never do this. Put it right in there. And then that's the crank like that. You can study that in the can. Thank you very much. It was a great pleasure having you here and good luck in your life and your career and thanks for all you folks. It was delightful having here. My thanks also to Sandra Bullock, of course, and Marlon Wayans.
Now, let me mention one thing. Norm Macdonald was supposed to be with us tonight, but because of the storm, he apparently is stranded. And so we'll schedule him in another evening. Thanks for watching, ladies. Get on. Have a great evening. Good night, folks.
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That one's wonderful. Thank you very much. That was very, very impressive. Now, let me ask you a couple of questions. Do you have to pay these guys? Yeah, you didn't think about that. Here, you just write the overture. You don't worry about paying them. How do you think of this stuff? Well, it somehow just pops, pops out. That's very impressive. Better never do this. Put it right in there. And then that's the crank like that. You can study that in the cab. Thank you very much. It was a great pleasure having you here and good luck in your life and your career and thanks for all you folks. It was delightful having here. My thanks also to Sondra Bullock, of course, and Marlon Wayans.
Now, let me mention one thing. Norm Macdonald was supposed to be with us tonight, but because of the storm, he apparently is stranded. And so we'll schedule him in another evening. Thanks for watching, ladies and gentlemen. Have a great evening. Good night, folks.
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Hi. Listen, we're out of time. That was very, very nice. Thank you. I'm quite flattered that you would do that. And you're alright. You weren't injured. Congratulations. Good for you. My apologies to Brian Regan, a very funny comedian. He will not be here tonight. We've run out of time, but you can go see him at a place called Laugh Tracks in St. Louis, January 12th through the 13th. My advice to you, call Trailways now. My thanks to Elizabeth Fey, Jason Alexander, Marv Albert, Tony Randall. And I'm sorry, Norm Macdonald, who was supposed to be here with us tonight, cannot be because he is, I understand, stranded in the, because of the blizzard. He's still not dug out of the snow. We'll see you tomorrow night. Thank you for watching. Good night.
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Thank you, boys. Thank you, Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. We've had a lot of fun here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. And I apologize for that. My thanks to Martin McBride. It says here, I'm guessing it was Martina, wasn't it? Yes, of course. Justin Wilson as well, and Tim Robbins.
Now, I want to make an announcement here. Because of the storm we've had here for the last week, Norm Macdonald, who was originally scheduled to be with us again tonight, is still stuck in the storm and the snow somewhere and could not be joining us. So my apologies to Norm Macdonald, and we'll have him back on the program. Yeah, this is it. If I'm sitting here beside you here, I'm right beside you. I'm over here. Is the chairman has been kind enough to be part of a week-long running gag where every night we announce him as a guest and at the end of the show, I say he can't be here because of the storm. When in fact, he's right here. Norm, you've just been superb. Let's take the Norm Macdonald storm, the week-long running joke. That's Tuesday. Here we go. There's Ben right there. Wednesday. And here we go. Gets the other. Look out. May have been Sue's.
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Norm, it's one of us. It's one of our dog. It's one of our best ever running gags. Congratulations. Good night, everybody.
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Wow. Oh, man. Powerful piece of drama. That's it. Our next guest is the very popular anchor of The Weekend Update segment on Saturday Night Live. Folks, do us a favor. Please welcome our old friend, Norm Macdonald.
Norm. Good to see you. Lauren, you know, we always enjoy your visits. And how's your family? Are they proud of you? Yeah, yeah, they must be. They like that I'm on the TV. You know, it's that they don't really. My grandmother, like, I take my grandmother. Loves you. That's very nice. Give her my best. She always says, she goes, "That David has nice eyes." Oh, well, thank you. But she doesn't care for Saturday Night Live. She says, she says, "They're a bunch of damn dirty hippies." Well, that's not true. Yeah, that's true. Oh, is it true? But she really loves you. And she likes one time on this show, you know. Yeah. And she always says, "How's your friend David Letterman doing?" You know, as if we're friends. I think of you as a friend, you know, in the sense of TV. We're friends. We're TV friends. Do you think? Yeah. We said, "Hear me talk." And then during the commercials, we were uncomfortable away.
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But she has this thing where she thinks we're up playing Yahtzee all night or something. She was good. I find you want to play Yahtzee all night? Well, you know, actually, I don't know. She was telling me, 'cause she always tells me showbiz news, you know, 'cause she cheats. She thinks I'm in showbiz. And she, she gets this to, she has a subscription to People magazine. Oh, sure. So she figures she has like one. Yeah. So she was telling me about this movie that you have been the Late Show satirizing on that the late shift. And she said she phoned me up. She's all excited, you know. She said, "Oh, this mood, they're gonna, this movie with your friend David Letterman, huh?" And she said, "It's all of that, the, the show." She says, "Who, who's gonna be playing you?" I said, "I said, no, nobody's gonna be playing me. I, I'm not, I wasn't that key." Don't sell yourself short. Who's gonna be playing you? She can't hear. Well, so she just keeps saying the same damn thing. So I said, I said, "Michael York will be playing." Well, that's excellent. She loves Michael York. You look a little like Michael York. That'd be good cast. I've been told that.
Now, you know, we were talking to Uma about geography. And she spent part of her early life in India. And you're a Canadian. As is Paul. Yeah, yeah. Where you began as a comedian? Yeah, I did stand-up in Canada. And man, that stinks. Really? Oh, my God. You think you ever go on the road and do stand-up? Yeah, used to do that all the time. Sure. That stinks, right? Yeah. There's not when the travel was grueling. Yeah. Everyone hates you. Yeah. Well, I didn't. I don't need to go on the road for that matter. I remember this one, got one gig I did. It was like, I call him a gig, yeah, 'cause you're in show biz, right? So I, it was in that, a Red Deer, Alberta. You know where that is? He, oh, yes. Part of that Red Deer Metroplex up there in Alberta. Yeah. I was just outside of Red Deer. And just outside of Red Deer. So I couldn't get Red Deer, huh? So for those of them, they didn't understand the verse back. So I was, I was at this gig and it was tough, you know. I like the guy told me before I went on, he said, "You know, you got to do the whole hour." I had to do an hour. Gee, that's girl. It really is tough. And he said, "If you don't do the hour, you don't get the check." Because a lot of people have been, you know, leaving before the hour was over. And so I started doing my comedy, you know, and everyone hated my guts. So like 10 minutes into it, if everyone hates your guts for the first ten minutes, you know, you're not gonna win them over. It's discouraging. Yeah. You know, you're not gonna have a good other 50 minutes. So, so everyone hates me. So then after a whole hour of that, I have to host a joke contest. You know, I bring people from the audience. A little talent show kind of? Yeah. And they tell their jokes. So they go up and they're hostile towards me, you know. They, my God. So every guy, it would be like, he would use me as like the butt of the joke, you know. You gotta be going, "Okay, you know, I have a mic there in their hands." Well, that's what you're doing. Thank you, Nora. Thank you. And what would this be? Would this be a phone?
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So I think I should have loved that in Canada for everything I said. Here's that I wasn't that savvy at that point. But so the guys out there, he's got the mic, you know, and he goes like, he's using me. Everybody, you know, it would be going like, "Okay, folks, here's the joke, eh? What's your name again?" "Norm." "There's this fruit, Norm." You know? So everybody be abusing me more. Finally, this guy comes up, you know, drunk, you know, and he goes, "Hey, Norm." Yeah, yeah. Because, uh, uh, "Well, you want to see my impression of a whale?" You know? Yeah, yeah, that'd be good. Yeah. So he has his beer. So he takes a big swig of beer and then he, like, spits it up all over my face and my shirt. Nice. I didn't even get it either till much later. And there is the sea one, exactly. So now I got, I got stuff dripping over me. I have to give this guy the gift certificate, you know. He won't have to get away. Crazy. So then I'm depressed. I go in the corner. I'm playing Frogger, you know. I got water. I got beer. Was where the beer was? Was that playing the water? Yeah, yeah.
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[Applause] Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen. If you're just joining us, I don't have time to tell you why I like this way. Yeah, it's maybe turn your pants into shorts tonight. That's that's all you need to know. You know, our next guest is the very funny anchorman of Weekend Update on the very popular Saturday Night Live program. When do they tape that show, Paul? Well, it's live. Too. Yeah. And when do they do that? Well, they do it on Saturday night. And they tape it on. So no, they don't tape it. It's alive, though. Saturday Night Live is alive. She's alive. She will do that on Saturday night. Okay, great. Thank you. Please welcome back to the program, our good friend, Norm Macdonald.
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And our night. You know, good to see ya. Nice to have you with. So let me just say one thing. Since we've been here at the Ed Sullivan Theater, almost three years now, we've had you on the show many, many times. Yeah. Other times we've asked me to be on the show, and we've run out of time. And I'm horrible about that. I just want to thank you for your patience and your kindness. And you keep coming back. And it really means a great deal. So you had the big final show, I guess, Saturday night? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we did our last show. Yeah. I think, really, you've been on the program for years now or something like that? Yeah. It's, well, yeah, three years. Yeah. You must. And I think you're kind of like a, you represent solidity. People recognize you from the show a lot, don't they? You're the backbone of the program now. Well, I, I count. Sometimes I get recognized a little bit. I want to become real famous, you know, real like famous famous. Yeah. I want to be like, well, you, you know, famous John Goodman. John Goodman. But I'd say you're more famous than John Goodman. Really? Well, I want to get that kind of fame where just, you know, how people bug you all the time, you know. I'd like maybe a woman show up, figure me for a husband. Yeah. But I get kind of, I think I can make that happen. I kind of, I kind of got half fame, you know? Like sometimes people wrecked, like taking the airplane. They're flying on the airplane. And I get on the airplane. So I got this character beside me, you know, sitting there with me. And he says to me, says he says to me, says he says, "That, he says, I really liked you on the show there." Fred calls me Fred. Fred. Yeah. So he recognized me, but he thought my name is Fred. So I figure, what the hell's the name Fred, right? And so I go, "Yeah, thanks a lot." I don't want to go, "Hey, I'm not Fred." You know, "Thanks a lot." He goes, "Yeah, you're good, Fred. Keep saying it." You know? So I go, "Thanks, man. Thanks. That's good." No, I like your friend. He says to me, "I got ya." Okay. I got the idea. So I just keep talking to him. So then this other character comes out of the bathroom, you know, I had to go to the bathroom. And he's walking down the airplane aisle. And he sees me. He says, "Hey, you're that guy from the show." And I go, "Yeah, yeah." And he goes, "What's your name?" You know? So I go, "It's Fred."
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Explain it. Yeah, yeah. Well, what's your last name? So I go, "I don't want to say Macdonald in case the guy goes, 'No, it's Norma girl.'" Then a tipple. Yeah, sure. So I go, "Fred Kendall." I could say Kendall. Fred Kendall. Yeah. I just came out with Kendall. So the guy goes, "Yeah, that's right." I didn't get along in New York City because I think originally you're one of Paul's countrymen. You guys are both from Canada. How do you get along living here in here? Yeah, yeah. Well, New York City is a lot different, you know. A lot more, you know, homeless bums in New York City. And so I've tried to be nice to them, you know. And I got a lot in my neighborhood. I go to this diner. I eat at the same diner all the time. So I went there and there was a homeless bum outside there. So the guy says to me, says he says, "Can I have some money?" They're always looking for money. Sure. Yeah. So I don't like to give them money on account, you know, then I don't have the money. Yeah, you'd like to have someone share. And also my mom says, "Don't give the homeless bums any money because they'll buy the crack with it." You know? Yeah, buy the crack. Sure. So I don't want, how you don't want that on you. Yeah. So I said, instead of giving the guy money, I say, "Why don't I just treat him to a meal?" You know, it's a very good idea. I haven't been as my guest into the diner. So I go, "You and the guy." Unless we go into the diner for, for like lunch or something. Yeah, for lunch. Commendable thing to do. Yeah. Those nice, you know. So I go in there, sit down with the guy. Turns out the guy, all of a sudden, this unearthly stench fills the place, you know. And smell like, I almost smell like urine. A husband said to me, "It's not like urine." I don't know what it was, but you say, you say it almost, almost. Not quite. So there's a chance maybe it was not your work. Well, it was coming from the direction of the guy's trousers. So, and everybody's trying to eat, you know, and this horrible stench is filling the place. And the guy's mad at me. Old Rudy and other guy that always gives me my food, you know. So, uh, my lord, you know. And so I order some soup. This guy starts ordering all manner of food. Well, sure, he's gonna load up. Yeah. So he's having a hoagie, and then he gets another hoagie, and then he orders a third hoagie, you know. Mystery folk. This guy loved the hoagies. I never seen a guy so. He's eating at everybody else. We can't even eat 'cause the stench is hitting us. No. And again, what does it smell like? [ __ ] was here. Yeah. And at this point, like I'm so, I mean, I wish I'd gone out and bought the guys some crack.
Let me ask you about the Bob Dole, because you do one of the guys, you're doing the shows. Bob Dole. Right. Yeah. I know he contacted you early in the season. Yeah. He wrote, he wrote me a semi random things that it's not a letter, but it's a, comes on a machine. Huh? What the hell is that? In fact, fax. I'm sorry. It's a fax. And so he sent me a fax and he said, "Really like you on the show, you know, and I'm glad to see you're doing Bob Dole. And give me a call anytime, you know." Mr. Bob Dole leaves this message on your ass. Well, sends the fax, right? So then I do him on the show. And then I call him. And then he don't. And then it's his guy that answers the phone. He said, "No, Bob Doyle doesn't like your thing." Oh, really? Yeah, really. So you had conflicting information there. Yeah. Please imagine that from a politician. So it comes time to pay the bill, you know, right? And no, no, no, no. We're done with it. We're done with it. What are you gonna do this summer? I don't know. I'm gonna hang around. Do my. I'm thinking of going on the road and doing some stand-up. I'm gonna be good. Yeah. You like doing that? Sure. That's an excellent show. Yeah. Norm Macdonald, ladies and gentlemen.
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You. [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]
All right, ladies. No, nice to hear this. I've just been to hope tomorrow night as a guest on the show. We'll have the winner of this year's King of Meat Comp. Yes. Our next guest is the very, very funny anchorman of The Weekend Update on the live Saturday night television program called Saturday Night Live. Here is, let's gentlemen, Norm.
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Happy, happy New Year. When I watch you on the Saturday Night Live program, you do your Weekend Update, then you get a tie. You look like a million bucks. Oh, because of my tie. Look like it. So I'm just thinking, you come back, put a tie on. Force. No, no. The reason is because I have my voice is off. I'm sorry. I got laryngitis. I didn't want to have the time. Nobody said it might have caused by the tie. At a time, right? My doctor said of time. I heard it. Mom. Oh, I see. Give yourself a little more room to breathe and to talk. Yeah, man. The greatest. Yeah. It's only been a couple of days, but it's been going good. That's good. Good. You enjoy yourself? Oh, yeah. I had a great holiday, you know, and a Christmas and stuff, you know. I got lots of good presents. That's nice. Actually, I got one present. You ever get a present like, you know, what is the kind of a guy gives you a present that's a lot better than the one you gave to him? Was a little embarrassing. Yeah, yeah. I do it fall all the time. Yeah. So, you know, the guy gave me this year, this guy Fred Johnson, he gave me a whole laser disc system. Wow. Yeah. Great. And I got him, they want him Chia heads. I had opened mine first, you know, so I was like, "Oh, this is great." And then I knew he was gonna open his and see the Chia head, you know. So I synced fast, you know, I was thinking fast. So has he over, and I said, "Yeah, that's not the only thing I got." He goes, "What else?" I go, "Oh, I got you this check here for five hundred dollars." Wow. I wrote that. But Fred, if I know Fred Johnson, probably enjoy the cheering. Fred John's is a good man. Yeah. Damn plant.
Norm, we're only a few days into the new year. They have plans. Anything you'd like to see? How emotions? I have my resolutions. I always make resolutions. That's good. Yeah. And I think that the big mistake people make when they make their resolutions is they, they overreach. You know, they make resolutions that they can't possibly set their goals too high. They set their goals to my ass. And then they, their only sentence ever failure. So what I do is I do the opposite. I set my goals low, knowing that I will reach them. That's. Yeah. And when you do eat and check them off? I check about yours, right? Yeah. So I add to this year. One is I'm gonna get a haircut. And the second one is I'm going to watch that TV show, *Run Away with the Rich and Famous*. Have you? Normal. You've seen a doctor about anything? You just look like you're a little off your game a bit. And you got the laryngitis. I went to the doctor yesterday. And I said, "I'm supposed to go to a specialist." Ya know. An internist. Uninterested. Yeah. Actually, this guy doesn't like me. But I went to any. He, I said, "I gotta do Letterman tomorrow." I know. And he goes, "Oh, yeah, that guy." And I go, "Yeah, about that." Exactly. And, and then he goes, "You know what?" He said, "No." He says, "What? What does a guy like, what is a guy like that make?" No. Yeah. I said, "I don't know. I'm trying to find out about my laryngitis." He kept telling with you like I'm paying your bills. What is that? So the guy gives me, he refuses to give me antibiotics. Antibiotics? Why is that? I don't know. He gave me this stuff called XX2 something. Not ecstasy.
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But nowadays, with these doctors are crazy. You just don't know. You're gonna be careful. Yeah. They give you a smoking the pot. I know. Get yourself a good agent, huh? That's all you need to worry about. So get yourself a good one. I don't know. HMO. My heart. There. Yeah. I don't know what that means. I think fresh. I think Fred Johnson's an age.
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Well, you know, he did get you a very nice. You know, my other friend got me once. Steve Corn. My other friend. He got me a cat once. Oh, is that a good thing to give somebody? That's a horrible thing. As in, you gotta take care of it for the rest of his life, right? Now, it's a commitment. To lifelong commitment. Yeah. And my cat, I had a horrible thing with the last summer. He had a heart attack. No, no. I never have. I never did. And so I went, I came home one day and the cat was there, you know, and he was like, who's like, so like that. And there was like white stuff coming out of his mouth. And he's like, "Hi." So I was like, freaked out, you know. And so I phoned out by a panic. I'd phone up 9-1-1, you know. It's just for people. It turns out that's just for people. So I even said, "What's the one for the cat?" "Cats, you know?" What? Remember? And then the woman goes, "Look, get off the phone. We'll talk." My neighbor, you know, takes me to the Animal Hospital. And I get there and tell people, you know, there's actually animals, like, emergency. Yeah. And so I go in. I got the cat there, you know. And they go, "You know, yes, what's the problem?" And I go, "Look, and it's going hot." And then it's an emergency. Everybody freaks out, you know. It's like on ER, like, "Whoa, the cat." They take it out, you know, and everything's like panic and bedlam, you know. And so I just sit down, sir, reading a magazine in there, you know. And this guy comes out. He's like a doctor, huh? But not a real doctor. So he calls me back. And he goes, "Okay, we gotta talk." You know? So I go, "Okay." Because I like, he's breaking bad news too. He goes, "That your cat has a heart attack." You know, it's like, "Oh, what? I never heard of such a thing." You know, I didn't even, I don't even know they had hearts. So anyways, he goes, "You can go and see him, you know, and you can go and visit your cat." That's nice. So you said you only couldn't have 20 minutes, you know? So they take this room, and it's like, it's like a big room, and there's your cat on a gurney, zel drugged up, you know. And so then you're just, you're alone with your cat. Yeah. That's a nice thing. No, you think after about a minute, you go, "I got a life to get back to." Yeah.
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Got old ladies, you know. I'm going to see you around.
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The second Biff arrives in the bear suit, the goat suit, whatever it is, somebody let me know. All right. Our first guest is the parentally funny anchor of Weekend Update on the popular Saturday Night Live program. Here's our good for Norm Macdonald.
Gar.
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Oh. [Applause] Welcome back to the old show, buddy. Yeah, it's great to be here. What's new in your life? Things going alright? Well, you know, I, the things that are new in my life are from the newspapers. I read the newspapers. That's a good place. An excellent source of new material. Yeah, yeah. So every day I'm reading a lot of news stories. I read today that Dr. Kevorkian, you know, yeah, he killed his 41st patient the day before yesterday. And I don't know, but I think people should start to realize he's not a good doctor, you know. When you think about it. Yeah. Don't go to this guy. He, I kill less people than that. I mean, the doctor seems like it would be a blot on his records. Yeah. And the other big thing I was reading, I read the newspapers. I also read the magazines, you know, the periodical. As a periodic. And I was reading, I don't know if you read the cover of Time magazine, but they got a, the cover this week is a lady saying, "I'm gay." Yeah. It's Ellen DeGeneres. Yeah, yeah. But that's gonna be a slow news week. A lady saying she's gay. That's a big story, I guess. It's brave of her, though, you know. It's brave. It's a great deal of personal catch. And I'll tell you what, take. I read just this morning that Richard Simmons. Now, just take it even further. He now is the making a statement that he's really, really, really gay. That's news to me. That ought to be on the cover. But the big thing in curse is also the Hale-Bopp comet. You've seen it? Haven't seen it. I'm happy to say. I'm proud to say I've seen it like 15, 16 times. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I saw it last night driving home. You did? Oh, it's unbelievable. Yeah. I know. I should see it, you know, because I didn't know who's gonna be around for like a month. I've got a comment because fast, you know, like a bullet, just a comment. It's God. Oh, we'll never see it again. But that this comet is like real slow. And I was reading in a magazine, periodical, as you drollet. Yeah. I was reading that it was named after Hale and Buck. Two guys. Yeah. Yeah. There's two guys. Hale, right? Right. And Bob. They, they discovered it independent of one another. Oh, they did. Yeah. It wasn't like they were hogging the tear. And let me take a look now, you know, they found it in the same night in two different locations. Even know each other. Yeah. Because I don't know. I know so much less than most people. It takes a lot of courage to admit that to what you on the cover of Time. I don't know. But I know things on this street. Yeah, right. Yeah. But anyway, the comic now, I not seen it. Seen it. I don't know where. I know it's in the sky, but I haven't. I went, almost thought I was. I took a plane to see my mother. Oh, that'll be great opportunities. Yeah. And so we got on. We're on the plane. And then the guy comes on, the pilot, you know, he comes on. He goes, "Yes, people love the plane. People plane." You know, he says, "Listen, guys, if you look out, if you're on the left side of the aircraft, you know, if you're sitting, you can look out, see the Hale-Bopp comet." And of course, I'm on the right side. So I look at how to analyze it. Now I got, it's like the wing of the plane. So I get chipped, you know, something I'll. And, you know, I haven't seen it. And then I go to my grandma. I run out my grandmother. My mother. It's my son's grandmother. I go to my mother's. I swear that's right. I can see where. Yeah. I am that she is a grandmother. She is not your grand. Right. Yeah. So I was with her. And I go, she goes, she goes out on her balcony, you know. And she goes, "Oh, Norm, the Hale-Bopp comet is up in the sky." And I go, "Oh, man, I'm gonna see that." But I was watching, I was watching Rhoda, you know, Rhoda. I'm watching. And I fell asleep. Yeah. Not that was Botev. It wasn't boring show. Oh, yeah. But I think, Norm, I think the comment will be visible for a few more days. I really take advantage of it. Well, no, you know, it's weird, the comment, because it's like tainted now because all those guys killed themselves, you know. And now I don't know. You can't look at the con without thinking about a bunch of dirty ghosts flying around the spaceship, you know. Well, that's perhaps your own personal struggle with the comment. What you can.
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When I'm done with you, buddy, we'll be right back here with Norm Macdonald.
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Turtle getting ready. World's only performing turtle being hosed down on 53rd Street. It looks like it might not be alive. No, it's ready to go, huh? It's ready. Gets meditate, right? Yeah. Norm Macdonald here. This is him right here. Justine Bateman and Trace Adkins. And as Ashley, the world's only performing turtle. Now, let's talk a little bit more. You mentioned your preoccupation with the cult in the common. Yeah, yeah. We ever in a cult yourself? What? No. I don't know. Maybe you never know. You know, I never been in a car. Yeah. I would never be in a cult, like I, I mean, I, because like that called my God Almighty, like you were saying, they had to castrate themselves. Yeah. I mean, that's a. I don't think they had to castrate themselves. I mean, I think they had a technician. Uh-huh. Like a dental hygienist. I didn't have to do it themselves. Okay. But they had to get castrated. Yeah. Yeah. That's a thing that, you know, that's a big thing. It's a huge commitment. So you have to really be. You have to really believe. And believe me, you know, I mean, I want to ride in a spaceship as much as the next guy.
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Yeah. Plus, you know what? These guys are probably up in the spaceship and they're like, "Good Lord, what were we thinking? We can't say [ __ ]. Maybe there's some nice-looking ladies out there." Pluto? No dice. No. Yeah, they're frustrated. When maybe the, maybe the aliens are going, "You know, we on our planet, we value testicles."
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You ever, ever do? Because you, to me, seem like a fairly well-grounded guy. You know, I'm very, very keen powers of observation. And I just did. You ever, were you ever like a bonehead? You ever do punk stuff when you were a kid? When I was young, I was crazy. Like I do anything. You know, really? Yeah. It's just like, 'cause you're young, you don't care, you know. You don't have a job, right? Just drifting around from town to town. I remember one time, like, because I used to do, like, you know, like for the purposes of this show, like beer, you know, a little bigger. Yeah, yeah. And so I was like, ripped out of my mind on this beer. It was like, it was like that beer that were you like hallucinate when you had so much beer. Yeah. That's a really good beer. Sounds good. And, and so I remember I went to this place. Is this place that in Canada called Ottawa? Yeah, yeah. It's the capital. It's the capital country. And so they had this thing every year. It's called the Panda game, right? Panda? Panda, like a, yeah. And so, but they just call it. That's not new panas. So, so it's the University of Ottawa versus Carleton University. It's the two universities. And they play a game against this rivalry. That's it. Yeah. And so everybody goes and gets parties up. Has and they do, they drink and they do beer and then they do some more beer and everything, you know. And, uh, and sometimes they mix the beer with the beer. Oh, no. To be very careful. So I went to this thing. And when the thing about the Panda game is, it's just a big party. And every year somebody does something crazy, you know? Like the engineering students from one of the things, like one time they put a bunch of greased pigs on the field. Oh, yeah. I've had a change of greased pig. College pranks. Yeah. College pranks. One, one year they made a big slingshot, giant one, and they shot like water balloons over the other side to hit. And so every year everybody wonders, hey, I wonder what with what's gonna be the big prank. So then I was there. I was really wrecked, you know, I was like, it's up in my head, right? I go, "I'm gonna figure out the prank to do. I'm gonna be that guy." You know. And so I'm walking around. I'm no good at pranks, you know. I'm walking around the state. And I'm trying to thinking. I see, you know, they sell the hot dogs. The hot dogs, too. Yeah. There's a big, like mustard thing where you push on a big pump. Those big yellow things. And you push on the top. If it gets them for your delicious hot dog. Yeah. Monster. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'll grab this, this hottest hot dog mustard thick. And so I grabbed it. Nothing like walking away. And I get back to my seat. And I go, "My idea was, I'll chuck this giant mustard thing onto the field." And then it will cause a big mustard stain on the football field. Oh, that'd be really cool. Because mustard is hard to get. And so I get there, you know, but I'm really wrecked. And I get there and I go, "Huh?" And plus I was way up, like way. No, I would superhuman strength to get that. Superhuman status. Go. And so I take up the mustard. I go, "Ah!" And I throw the mustard up, right? And then the mustard just goes up a little way. And then I see like the top, like starts spinning off of it. And then there's mustard all comes out. And then I just see all these guys like right in front of me. And then so my buddy goes, "Run, run, run for your life."
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Norm, you had a couple of beers before the show. This weekend on Saturday Night Live, the Rob Lowe and the Spice Girls, plus Joe Pesci. Now, I've got a couple of seconds. Go ahead. Do it. Let me see it. I gotta do it. Foul. All right. Do a little me. Yeah. My son players. Do not play nice. Oh, not so easy. What I'm sitting right here. Is it big shot? You're ready on your.
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Here we go. That's like, who's gonna be the? I don't know. Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe and Spice Girls. Ah, yeah. Paul laughs, right? Rob Lowe and the Spice Girls. And being here. Do you enjoy them? You enjoy the Spice Girls? Fault. Nice going, Spice Girls. Yeah, yeah. Well, they'll, they'll be on the show. You, you, you watched the Saturday night show, I guess? Yeah, yeah. Well, the times that are now part. I say, what time in our yard? It's like 11:00. Yeah.
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They're tender. New York City. Go back out there to the, that's the CBS store. And you can go in there and get some beautiful of CBS souvenirs from all your CBS stars, you know. Yeah. Go in there and get like a Charles Osgood coffee mug. Do they have that? Yeah. It's yourself like a Tom Snyder marking pen. Fantastic. Go in there and get all that very hot CBS memorabilia. Arson dies. Yeah. Whether you get a medicine woman. What? I don't know. Anything for my show? Oh, yeah. There's some. Yeah. You actually get a pretty good deal on Calvert if you go in there now. Yeah. Take him home with you tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, with apologies to Peter Jennings, our first guest is the funniest Canadian newsman on television. He is the anchor of Weekend Update on the popular Saturday Night Live. Here is Norm Macdonald.
Arm.
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And on, how you doing, buddy? I'm doing happy. Yeah. You know, I don't want to tell you how to do your business. We've got a suit on. Kill you to wear a tie, you know? Just come on, make me feel better. No, I wanna. You know what? Having as I had a tie, and on the way here, a dirty homeless bum stole it. No, it looks like you're in town on a convention and have decided to go nuts. I was in an elevator, you know, in this hotel. And there were these two Shriners, you know. And so I guess, I don't know, I thought, "Do I look like a gay guy or something?" Because I'm in this. What do you want to look like? Arm. What, what are you trying to look like? I want to look like a guy that would not be on Cunanan's hit list.
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Three Shriner guys. No shrines. That were the hats. Funny hats. And so they were there going, "Hey, how you doing there, fella?" You know, "All right, suit." You know, because I met this hotel. And so then they go, "Yeah, he goes, hey, yeah." They go, "Later on tonight, we got a party going on up in our room. Go, we got some booze, there some broads." You know, "Guy says, you, uh, you like the broads, don't you?" No, I like the ROG. Oh, yeah. No, I know. I wasn't saying anything. I just seen by your suit there, I thought maybe you were kind of a. How do you do? How do you do? What the hell does that mean? That's a game, man. Oh.
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How you feeling? You're all right. Somebody told me you had the flu or something. I'm all right. How do you do? By the way, you know, the flu, you weren't feeling than earlier? A little under the weather. Had a cold. A little bit. Says a little bit sick, you know. I went, I went to the doctor. I was really a doctor, you know, because I'm going to stick. You go to the doctor. Yeah. That's right. Even when I'm not, I'm worried. I'm worried. I'm like, "Well, maybe today I'll get like bowel cancer or something, you know?" Like I, I get concerned. No, I swear. That might sound weird, but there actually is no such thing. I checked in a medical dictionary. Oh. But I go to this doctor and he gives me like, I was giving these crazy things. I just. So he said, "I want to like test out your body fat." You know, meanwhile, I'm a really skinny guy. Like my whole life, I've been skinny. Out of it. Self-conscious about it, you know. Sakana conscious, right? I always had problems with those words. I was not conscience. Just fine. Don't worry about this. This is not an elevator with Shriners. So to relax. So the guy, he says, I said, "I don't need no body fat thing, man. I'm a really skinny guy." So he puts them these calipers on, right? And he tests me out. Comes back. Turns out I'm fat as well as skinny. Seems unlikely, doesn't it? I'm skimming, but also fat. Like I'm basically, I'm bones and then fat over having the bones. Have a horrible body. So, so the guy tells me, "You got to get to running a gym. Oh, start working out a little bit." So I go to the gym. And holy Lord, is ever gonna run. Oh, they're crazy. You gotta like, they got the weights, you know, that's the big thing. Wait, wait machines. Sure. So you got like a lift the way. Ah, that's really heavy. And then you gotta put it down. Then, then afterwards, lift it again, right away. And it's endless. It's like hundreds of lifting. And then afterwards, you're just like, "Soar." And you're not bigger at all. I got no use for being here, you know. I'm just a guy. I watch some TV. I eat a fish sandwich, you know. I don't, I don't got to be big, big, you know. I don't need abs, you know? What am I gonna do that? I can show unto my friends. I go, "Hey, look at the look on my belly. What I got here? Some abs." What are you looking at? You know? But maybe we worked out a little bit. Perhaps Shriners would leave you alone.
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You know, I was watching the tape of you were performing for President Clinton down there to your Correspondents Dinner. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Reiter's the newspaper. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Nice job. I did a great job under a lot of pressure because you have all of the media all over the country. And then you have President, right? Yeah. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's a, the president and the people are that. I don't know what it is either, really. But you go there. The point is, you go there, you do some jokes. Wow. And look in front of the president. Just like a black tie deal. He wears a black. Yeah. You gotta wear tuxedos, right? Yeah. And so tuxedo. And so you have to wear a tie, though. And so you go there. And it's very nerve-wracking because you have to, first, the president goes on and he talks, of course, he does. Well, you know, he doesn't, you know. So, and it's very hard to go on. I don't know if you're familiar with that. Oh, showbiz maxim. Dave, never go on rape directly after the president of the United States. Never follow the president of the U.S. It should be you, then the leader of the free world, after. Yeah. You know, because he's that, you know, he's a big, you know, yeah. So I decided I was nervous, you know, I was very nervous. And I am this technique, like when I get nervous, you know, I have this thing where I to relax, I drink a lot of booze. Yeah. Yeah. Takes the edge off a busy day. No, that's good. So then I realize I'm drunk. Yeah. You know, and the president is over there. He's probably stoned, you know. Yeah. He enjoys the rackets of acting. Well, he said he didn't really smoke, though. He said, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was all like on a thing, you know, like disabled. He'd injured himself. Yeah. He'd injured playing golf or something. Greg Norman at his house. I heard that. I heard the inside scoop was apparently a couple of years ago, Greg Norman had said to him, and this was like a thing. He said, "If you ever make a pass at my wife again, I'll smash your knee with a 5-iron, you dirty bastard." Oh. So that's what happened. But he was like, he was, oh, I was thinking about you know, he was disabled. Plus, he was the president, United States. You imagine the parking spot that guy had? Probably must have been something. But you didn't, you did a nice job down there. Yeah. You made him laugh. Did you get to meet Clinton? I met Clint. Yeah. You meet him. You go to this big room, and there's like a hundred guys, you know. And then it's just a bunch of people like me. And then Clinton comes in. He's the president. You watch them and talks to everybody. And the weird thing is, he's got to talk to, you know, everybody. He has to say like all these things. And so he came up to me. And he was shaking my hand. He goes, he just shook me. He's very charismatic. He's like a, whatever, you know. So he comes to meeting, shakes my hand. He says to me, he goes, he says that he says, "I see your, I see you're eating a pickle." You know, they say, "I don't like a pickle with a chunk missing." So he left it at first. You're like, "Oh, the president." You don't realize like he said this crazy pickle comic. You know, he can't say the same thing to every dude. Has to individualize it, right? Now, you thought of a word there, dude.
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It's fine. That Larry Flynt there. He was there. Yeah. Why was he there? Had he been invited? I mean, yeah. It's this thing where they invite like, they have big guys like the senator of the north, you know, and the senator of the north here. Just senator of the north, you know. The senator of the south couldn't make that visit. So they had the big guys. And then they had the kind of what they call the novelty guys, you know, in the head of novelty. Just the guys can spice it up. They had Larry Flynt, you know, on this wheelchair, you know. You had problems there, you know. Yes. And so he, like, after the thing, he was like, "Weiland." I ran. And then he saw me. Tire. He talks like that. All right. But I'm just gonna talk as if you talk regularly. So he goes, he goes, "Hey, Norm." You know, "Hey, man." So I go, "Hey, how's it going, Larry Flynt?" And then he goes, "Thanks for doing the movie." I was in his movie. Where you were in the movie? Yeah. You know, the people against Larry Fletcher. I was one of the people. He goes, he says, he says, "We know." He says, "When you come out to LA." He says, "Being friendly." Says, "Come on out to LA." Meanwhile, people are listening because I'm Larry Flynt, okay? He goes, "When you come out to LA there, Norm." He goes, "I'll take care." You know, yeah. What, what exactly are we talking about? No, what? That I didn't. I don't know. Different means. I mean, like if my uncle Basil said that to me, that would mean he'd fix me a nice chicken pot pie, take me to a Twins game, you know. He lives in the Minnesota area. Maybe in the cherry cobbler. I don't know. You know, but Larry Flynt could be a different, a different thing.
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Are you having a good summary? Enjoying your summer? My summer, it's no. Now that, yeah, I guess I wasn't expecting that question. Yeah, yeah. What is kind of a peculiar thing to ask a man? Good. Sounded pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Boy, it's hot in here. Yeah. New York, though. Most nice. Oh, nice. Nice. Nice.
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Nor, you go by a little frisky Baxter? Oh, did you?
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Getting ready to go back to work. And it's the 23rd season of Saturday Night Live. It's 27th. It's time to finish it.
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