Transcription
Hello, I'm Dr. Tara Palmatier of ShrinkForMen.com. If you have a question or would like to schedule a session with me, you can reach me at shrinkforen@gmail.com or ShrinkForMan@protonmail.com. Both of those addresses are in the About section of this video.
Today's video is part two of a two-article series titled "The Narcissist's Stages of Grievance in High-Conflict Divorce." The first part of this series is "Narcissists Don't Feel Grief, They Feel AGGRIEVED in High-Conflict Divorce," and you can find a link to that video also in the About section. So, let's just dive in, shall we?
Okay, divorcing a narcissist or borderline isn't just the end of a marriage. It means stepping onto a battlefield where understanding the narcissist or borderline stages of grievance is a matter of self-defense. In the first article and video, I explored how narcissists and borderlines react to loss as a threat to their false self. And if you recall, the false self is their idea, this idealized image of themselves that they try to project out into the world, some more successfully than others.
So, as I was saying, these individuals react to loss as a threat to their false self, which often leads to aggression rather than grief. As normal or non-disordered folks experience grief, it is their deep sense of grievance, not grief, that drives their destructive behavior in high-conflict divorce. In this second part, I examine the specific stages of grievance that replace a healthy grieving process in these individuals. Understanding these stages is essential for anyone divorcing a partner with narcissistic, borderline, and other antisocial traits. These distorted responses can profoundly impact your well-being and that of your children, making it crucial to anticipate and prepare for the challenges that lie ahead of you.
So, now let's get into the narcissist's stages of grievance. Healthy, non-disordered people typically go through the five stages of grief, as described, or some version of it, as described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her seminal work on death and dying. These stages include denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. Typically, "normies" process grief or threats to our identity by reflecting, seeking support, and gradually accepting the loss. And while we experience pain, we usually don't feel compelled to destroy the source of it. In contrast, narcissists and borderlines, who lack healthy coping mechanisms and emotional maturity, even on the best of days, default to aggression and other destructive behaviors to defend their fragile self-constructs.
And I know this is repetitive, but I'm going to keep repeating it: Narcissists don't feel grief as others do. Instead, they feel AGGRIEVED. And this manifests as grievance. And this distortion of the healthy grieving process is more accurately described as a "grievance," which technically is a word, as I mentioned in the previous video, I looked it up, even though it doesn't sound right. Rather than the healing process of grief, narcissists, borderlines, and other chronically immature people typically begin this grievance process in denial and then quickly spiral into rage-fueled retaliation against perceived slights to their false self. While healthy individuals eventually move toward acceptance, narcissists remain trapped in anger, grievance, and a toxic victim mindset. And this is important to remember because it is this victim mindset that often leads to false allegations of abuse being made against the person who has "rejected" them.
So, first stage: Denial. The first stage of grievance in narcissists and borderlines mirrors the denial stage in Kubler-Ross's model. When a narcissist receives divorce papers but refuses to accept the reality, they may insist it's just a phase you're going through, or that you're not serious, or that you would never abandon them or the kids. They might say, "You're just angry, but you'll calm down," or "You won't really go through with this. You know you'd never do that to me and the kids." In this case, denial is a defense mechanism to protect the false self from the immediate threat of their five fears discussed in part one of this series: the fears of rejection, loss of narcissistic supply, abandonment, feeling inferior or inadequate, and exposure. This stage often sets the false victim narrative for what then becomes a high-conflict divorce and/or custody battle.
Stage two: Anger, or rather, this is the first wave of anger. As denial crumbles, the narcissist transitions into anger, an intense, vindictive rage fueled by the perceived threat to their control and self-image. This isn't just ordinary anger; it is a fury that often leads to threats and aggressive behavior. While healthier individuals might think, "I'm really hurt," a narcissist or borderline thinks, "I'm hurt! It's all your fault! You are going to pay for this!" For instance, the narcissist might lash out with baseless legal threats or smear campaigns designed to damage your reputation. If the narcissist still views you as viable supply and doesn't have backup or new supply waiting in the wings, their survival instincts might temporarily restrain a more extreme response.
Stage three: Bargaining. When anger fails, fails to restore their sense of control, narcissists and borderlines enter the bargaining stage. This phase of a grievance shares some superficial similarities with the bargaining stage in the traditional grief process of "normies." In a healthier adult, bargaining often involves "what if" self-recrimination, such as, "What if I'd done this? If only I'd done that." Feelings of guilt, shame, fear, and self-blame are common. And again, this is for the "normies." Consequently, grieving individuals make deals with themselves, their partners, their bosses, or their families to not feel the pain of loss.
In contrast, grievance-driven bargaining isn't a sincere plea for reconciliation to avoid the pain of losing a treasured relationship, but a manipulative tactic to protect the false self. For narcissists, it's about avoiding the loss of narcissistic supply and the feeling of inferiority. Typically, these individuals will engage in magical thinking, believing that suddenly cleaning the house, or cooking a few meals, or going from no sex to constant sex can make everything okay again. This is where the Hoover technique comes into play. And for those of you who don't know, a Hoover is a manipulative tactic where the narcissist or borderline tries to lure you back with empty promises of change, love bombing, guilt trips, emotional blackmail, intimidation, and bullying, you know, whatever, whatever moves the needle, carrot or the stick, they'll use either.
In a Hoover, bargaining is also an indirect admission of being a bad partner. The narcissist/borderline bargains to do things in the relationship they know that you've wanted all along but couldn't be bothered to do due to their self-centeredness, entitlement, and lack of empathy. For instance, a narcissist might suddenly promise to attend couples therapy or individual therapy, even after years of refusing to do so, just to try to get you to change your mind about leaving. However, they don't offer these concessions because they recognize that their selfishness is wrong. No, remember, they see themselves as special, entitled victims incapable of doing any wrong. Or if they did wrong, well, heck, it was your fault anyway. This is because their false self is threatened by the prospect of losing narcissistic supply, i.e., you.
Narcissists and borderlines will attempt this via, for example, empty promises to improve: "We'll go to couple therapy. I promise to be more understanding and patient. Give me another chance, and everything will be as it once was." Once upon a love-bombing time on Prancing Unicorn Rainbow Non-Stop Sex Island. Emergency blow job. I can't believe I just did that, but I did. Okay, keep going. Sticking with it. Okay. They may also engage in pity plays and guilt trips, or, you know, blah, blah, wine, wine, sniffle, sniffle, "Feel sorry for me," or "Think of the children. Do you want them to come from a broken home?" They may also engage in blame-shifting and victim-playing: "This is all your fault, not mine. You owe me. This always happens to me. You know, my dad abandoned me, and now you are too. You're a narcissist, just like him." Or they may attempt this, the bargaining, via loss of love and companionship scare tactics: "No one else could love you. No one else could put up with you. You'll die alone without anyone to care about you. You and your 10,000 cats or dogs or hedgehogs, whatever."
Another bargaining attempt could involve hierarchy of needs scare tactics. For example, "You won't be able to survive without me. You can't support yourself without me. You can't even manage to get out the door in the morning without me doing everything for you." Another way they may attempt this is through emotional blackmail: "I will kill myself if you leave me, and it will be all your fault." Okay, now, this is wrong. It's abusive. And if your NPD or BPD partner threatens to kill herself or himself, they're, you know, odds are 50% of the population, or 50% of this population is probably evenly distributed amongst the genders, sexist genders, whatever. Anyway, if your BPD or NPD threatens to kill themselves, this is highly emotionally abusive. It is emotional blackmail. And I encourage you, strongly, strongly encourage you to call 911 and report it. First of all, if they really are having suicidal ideation, they need psychiatric care. And if it's just a manipulation tactic, let them explain that to the cops and/or the paramedics. Okay? You are, if you are not a mental health professional, you are in no position to assess that. And even if you are a mental health professional, you lack the objectivity to assess it if this is your partner engaging in the emotional blackmail. Okay? All right.
And finally, another way the bargaining stage may manifest is through just classic intimidation and bullying: "You'll never see the kids again. I'll get the house and all the savings. And if I don't, it'll all go to the attorneys. I don't care. I'll bring the roof down on both our heads. I'll destroy your career. Everyone at church will know what a monster you are." Basically, it ends up sounding like one of those "Desperate Housewives" or "Real Housewives," whatever that stupid reality TV series is. It's just bad reality show threats and other BS.
Okay, so these are nothing more than manipulative tactics to regain power and control over the relationship. Any change he or she promises will likely be temporary, followed by increased resentment for having had to play nice. Oh yeah, they resent that. On the other hand, the threats are probably all very real. When these manipulative tactics inevitably fail, the narcissist or borderline's anger will resurface with even greater intensity. So, plan for it and protect yourself as best you can.
And just a brief therapy anecdote. Years ago, I worked with a gentleman who was married to someone who, I don't know, she's probably a combination of narcissistic, borderline, and histrionic, and also had some pretty sociopathic features in the mix as well. Anyway, he was going to divorce her, but it was a miracle. She all of a sudden, miraculously changed and was behaving as a supportive partner, curbed her out-of-control spending, started cleaning up the house. And by cleaning up the house, I mean basically taking a proverbial bulldozer to all of her hoarding and everything of that nature. Anyhow, poor guy, as it turned out, his vasectomy was not 100% effective, and he got her pregnant. So that was child number four. And yes, he got a paternity test, and the baby was his. And once his then-wife found out she was pregnant, the mask once again dropped. And she actually said verbatim to him, when he asked what's going on, you said you'd seen the error of your ways and you were working with Pastor Jimmy Joe Hooah or whatever the heck his name was. And she said, again, this is a verbatim quote, "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to be nice to you?" And about six months after she delivered the baby, the divorce began. The parental alienation, which had already started, started while the marriage was still, for lack of a better word, intact, really began in earnest. The eldest child was alienated to the point of no return. And then he could no longer afford therapy. So I'm not sure how it all ended. I hope he was able to get his kids help. Okay, end of therapy anecdote. And back to the scripted part of this video.
Okay, stage four: Anger. This is where the surface similarities between the stages of grief and grievance end. When the bargaining Hoovers fail, narcissists and borderlines revert back to anger. Anger is pretty much their default. And this isn't just a return to their previous anger; it's a deeper, more vindictive rage with head notes of bile and other nasty things. Sorry, I was blanking. And it is fueled by their inability to control you and the situation. At this stage, they begin formulating plans to get even, even if they were the ones who initiated the breakup. In their minds, you should have enthusiastically tolerated their abuse because they believe you deserve it. In fact, they think you should welcome their abuse. Scratch that. They don't see themselves as abusive. In their distorted thinking, you're the one who made them treat you the way they treated you. You should be grateful they even allow you to enable them. That's sarcasm. Okay? All right.
This is when scorched-earth tactics in high-conflict divorce, custody, and personal matters escalate, including parental alienation, smear campaigns, and financial sabotage. These tactics can sometimes backfire on them, resulting in losses of money and custody. However, getting them to see this is nearly impossible. These individuals frequently reverse cause and effect, claiming victimhood when, in reality, they are the aggressors. A tactic known as DARVO. And that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. And if you're interested in learning more about DARVO, there, I've done at least one video on that and several articles on the main website. So use the search function.
And finally, stage five: You guessed it. More anger. The final and permanent stage of grievance, emphasis on permanent, is marked by even greater anger rooted in the narcissist/borderline's refusal to manage loss and what they perceive as defeat. For instance, these people view shared custody and an equal distribution of marital assets as a loss. In their eyes, any outcome that is fair to both parties is a defeat. Unable to smite their enemy again, that is you, they become more unhinged, more malicious, and continue making increasingly outrageous false allegations, like a dictator in a bunker surrounded by their most stalwart enablers and ordering the destruction of their own citizens. Narcissists refuse to accept loss or defeat. They disregard court orders, financial settlements, restraining orders, and custody agreements, believing that the rules don't apply to them. When female narcissists lose in family court, they often rage against what they perceive as a biased and rigged system against women and mothers, which is laughable, right? Because there is overwhelming, isn't strong enough word, but overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Even after the legal battles have ended and the children have become adults, these individuals will find a way to express their unresolved rage. They may target you, the children, your friends, the kids' therapists, your individual therapist, their attorney or attorneys plural, your attorney, anyone they believe has wronged them. This behavior perpetuates high-conflict custody disputes and keeps you locked in a cycle of never-ending grievances until you can finally escape it. Once the youngest child turns 18, basically, the narcissist's anger never ends. There's typically no end to the narcissist or borderline's agreement and grievances. Their emotionally stunted inability to navigate the grief process in a healthy and constructive way keeps them stuck in an endless, excuse me, endless cycle of anger and resentment. Even if their anger appears to have gone dormant because they're distracted with newer supply and fresh grievances, it's still there, simmering beneath the surface, waiting to erupt like Mount St. Helens when the right trigger comes along.
Some psychologists theorize that narcissists and borderlines behave this way due to deeply internalized shame. I, however, disagree. These individuals are incapable of feeling genuine shame. If they could feel shame, they wouldn't behave as they do. Instead, they experience embarrassment. And embarrassment is different from shame. When their true selves are exposed, revealing the fragile ego behind their false public persona, instead of processing this exposure constructively, like, you know, by actually getting help and growing as a person, they react with aggressive attacks and by playing the victim.
Okay, so basically, uh, actually, nope, I'm not going to skip that part. Going back here. Here are some key points. Eternal cycle of anger: Narcissists are trapped in a never-ending loop of anger and resentment, unable to move on. Also, there is a dormant but ever-present rage. Their anger never truly disappears; it simply lies dormant, ready to resurface with the right trigger. And also, embarrassment versus shame. These individuals might feel embarrassment when exposed, but it is quickly redirected into aggressive defensiveness, not true shame.
I also want to summarize the behavioral patterns in narcissistic and borderline grievance because this is what you are going to be dealing with if you are divorcing one of these individuals and sharing custody with them. So, one, you can expect grudge-holding. They keep an internal enemies list of every perceived slight, ready to unload their rage when it suits them. You can also expect defensiveness and aggression, which is exposure of their true self leads to aggressive retaliation and playing the victim to deflect criticism. And also, chronic resentment. Even after years have passed, they harbor and act on old grievances, keeping conflicts alive indefinitely, whether or not you participate in the old conflicts with them. They're still fighting a war against you whether you are there to lob back their rage tennis or pickle balls at them and keep it going back and forth. They are still at war with you in their heads, whether you are there or not. In this respect, they're kind of like the old Japanese soldier, Hiroo Onoda, who was still fighting World War II in the Luang Island jungles until he surrendered in 1974. Narcissists commonly carry grudges from a perceived insult and rejection that happened years ago. Man, that's redundant. Oops, I have to edit that out later, but not from the video or the article because I don't do video edits. For example, 20 years post-divorce, your BPD ex manipulates your daughter into asking her stepfather to walk her down the aisle to spite you, even threatening to not attend the wedding if your daughter doesn't agree. As I said, their anger, their grievance, not grief, is never truly resolved. It's simply waiting for an opportunity to resurface.
In conclusion, narcissists and borderlines don't experience grief the way most people do. Instead, they feel a deep sense of grievance when they face rejection, lose narcissistic supply, or suffer embarrassment from exposure. Contrary to what some psychologists believe, these individuals are incapable of genuine shame. They have no qualms about lying or hurting others if it helps them achieve their goals or punish those they perceive as threats to their false self. Any appearance of remorse is likely not true contrition but probably regret over the consequences of their antisocial behavior. Don't mistake the narcissist's or borderline's anger, rage, and discontent during divorce or after losing a promotion for genuine heartbreak, disappointment, or grief. Their intense emotions stem from anger and fear, not emotional loss. What you're witnessing is a reaction to a wounded ego manifesting as narcissistic injury, which can trigger narcissistic rage and, in severe cases, even lead to narcissistic collapse.
If you're unmarried and don't share children, this is the perfect time to go no contact. If you have separate domiciles, block, mute, hunker down until the storm passes. They become bored and/or find new narcissistic supply. If you're married and/or share property, lawyer up. Although dealing with them will remain challenging, it will be somewhat easier without children involved. Either way, the narcissist, borderline, histrionic, or other Cluster B variation ex will be unreasonable, entitled, and demand more than their fair share of assets. Instruct your attorney on your bottom line and prepare for the worst because that, my friends, is all they have to offer.
Okay, that's it for today. Oh, it's a long one, almost 30 minutes. Sorry about that. Thank you for watching. Thank you for your support. I am Dr. Tara Palmatier of ShrinkForMen.com. If you have questions or would like to schedule a session with me, you can reach me at shrinkforen@gmail.com. I will provide links to both the article and video versions of part one and part two in the About section. And you can also find links to all of my social media pages in the About section too. All right, have a great rest of your day. I hope to have a new video posted, if not later this week, then early next week. It will be from the article I just posted this afternoon, which is titled "Why Are Narcissists and Borderlines Like Amber Heard Such Convincing Liars?" Subtitle: "Understanding False Abuse Allegations." And yes, I know Ms. Heard was technically diagnosed with BPD and histrionic personality disorder, but she's got some narcissistic and psychopathic traits as well. All right, that's it. Bye.